Character Critique Thread

Started by Gracie Sky, 2012 Sep 02, 01:43:33

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Gracie Sky

2012 Sep 02, 01:43:33 Last Edit: 2014 Jul 27, 00:40:41 by Gracie Sky
This is the semi-official Character Critique Thread. I'm Gracie Sky, and I will be hosting this in place of BananaMustang while he is absent. The purpose of this topic is for aspiring authors to have their Original Characters (or OCs for short) looked at and evaluated based on content.

If you have an OC you would like me to look at, I would be more than happy to give you a hopefully fair and constructive opinion on the character(s). Just post whatever information about the character you'd like me to read or post a link that leads to a topic that has such information. I would prefer any links not lead away from this forum, that is my only request.

If you want me to evaluate something specifically or in a specific way, please let me know in the submission. Also, you may send any submissions to me through PMs, but please state if you would like to keep the response within the PMs as well.

This topic is not just limited to me evaluating OCs. If you would like to comment on a particular OC that interests you, by all means feel free to. I'm sure your opinions are also valued by the authors. I would ask that you keep comments somewhat on the positive side, or at least with a positive ring to it. We want to be encouraging and easy to approach, since many newer authors might be a little shy with showing their works off.

Lastly, I was thinking it may be a good idea to showcase some of the more impressive OCs I see, should that happen. Of course, I will ask for permission before showcasing any OC from the author of the character. I'm hoping this will encourage you to do your best, since I believe we as authors seek validation through acknowledgement of our efforts, as they are a reflection of ourselves.


I'm also sticking links to my existing OCs down here for my personal use, since they can't all fit in my signature and I'd like convenient access to them. Feel free to use them as well, if you'd like to see my OCs.

Main Characters:
Gracie Sky
Terra Rose
Kaleido Heart
Tidal Chariot

Supporting Characters:
Indignia (This topic has been locked)
Delish De Wonder
Alpha Forte and Charity Altrue
Professor Barrelroll
Bitty Pie
Aurora Sky
Sunshine Paradise
Jewel Vaunte
Character Critique Thread

Have your OC fairly and honestly evaluated!

Gracie Sky

2012 Sep 02, 01:44:20 #1 Last Edit: 2013 Mar 12, 19:34:46 by Gracie Sky
This is where possible showcased OCs will reside.

Also, I will be updating this with the list of acknowledged OCs waiting to be reviewed along with those that have already been reviewed. Click on the link of completed OCs to see their review.

Note that I will dedicate every OC to their own reply, with no comments referring to anything unrelated to that particular OC. Also, if you wish to reply to a critique of your OC, pleeeeease don't quote the entire critique.  D:

Cobalt Cloud by Trege - Completed
Zinrax, The Lord of Madness by Lord of Madness - Completed
Lary by Lary - Completed
Lycanthropy by Sponk - Completed
Mekanu by SapphirePony - Completed
Nightshade by BlackVortex - Completed
Feather Scroll and others by The Wandering Magus- Completed; Part 2; Part 3
Rad Thunder by Rad Thunder - Completed; Part 2
Skyler by Stitchin Time - Completed
Cold Sprinkle by Nala Valor - Completed
Luminescence by Lunar Eclipse - Completed
Majem by Chirp - Completed
Xeena by Celia_Tempest - Completed
Tiger Stripes by Tiger - Completed
Smokeout Knight by Smoke_out - Completed
Quick Draw by Link - Completed
Violet Light by ShadowHeart - Complete
Beyond bored by byndbored - Complete
Soul Runner and others by super_chris85 - Completed
River Song by hyliawisdom - Completed
Maple by ping111 - Completed
Lilac Mose by Dasdaq - Completed
Coral Helix by OnyZ - Completed
Midnight Storm by Stardust Dragon - Completed
Wolf Petal by The Silent Wolf - Completed
Copper Rose by Copper Rose - Completed
Spellsworth by alexandas - Completed
Parfait by PrincessParfait - Completed
Rainstorm by Yellowpikmin476 - Completed
Liaisa Machia by Chirp - Completed
Arty Brightshadow and others by ArtVeigar - Completed
Dupry by ~Durpy - Completed
Itty Bit by Itty Bit - Completed
Cosmo Gaze by boboy76 - Completed
Soloren by cloudandis - Completed
Pyro by ComputerDeathglare - Completed
Tanzanite by Fluffy Cloud - Completed
Character Critique Thread

Have your OC fairly and honestly evaluated!


Oh yes :DDD

I've been waiting for this thread to be created all week  lol Let the OCs pour in!  ;)

[move=6][/move]Thanks Skardan (signature) and Fudgemuffin (avatar) :D
If I owe you any work you can always visit my gallery:


2012 Sep 02, 03:26:31 #3 Last Edit: 2012 Sep 02, 03:31:11 by Trege
I know Mustang already critiqued mine but a 2nd opinion can't hurt right? (It likely contains grammar errors I have yet to correct.)

Mainly Cobalt as the others are still unfinished.

Lord of Madness

Would you please do mine? It has undergone many revisions and story changes and many think its very good. I would love your professional opinion o3o


Fine. I'll bite.

Don't hold back. I will be very upset if you do.
Could've been something great. But ya' blew it... Ya' blew it.

Skype: Suloboru


2012 Sep 02, 12:40:23 #6 Last Edit: 2012 Sep 02, 13:10:27 by Sponk
Could you critique my OC Lycanthropy?
Thank you. ^-^
Blah blah blah.

Gracie Sky

2012 Sep 02, 17:11:53 #7 Last Edit: 2012 Sep 02, 17:18:12 by Gracie Sky
This critique is for Cobalt Cloud by Trege.

I can't say I'm fan of camouflage textured ponies, although for what his job is, I suppose it makes sense.

From what I can tell, his special talent is a complex variation of bracing himself. However, that's not what bothers me about it. I get the feeling he is one of those ponies who was forced into his life's calling, instead of him discovering it himself. For example, he gives me the impression of Pinkie Pie back when she was working on a Rock Farm. Her parents probably expected her to be a rock farmer, to which extent her special talent would eventually be something related to her line of work.

The key difference between him and my example is that he appears to take great pride in his line of work, which would justify why his special talent follows that of his family line. It could just be fate for him. You would do well to explain the origin of his special talent/cutie mark, unless you have reason not to explain it.

Now, his personality is pretty basic, but there is one thing I'd like to bring up. You've stated that his lineage and past are sore subjects for him, but I think you may be putting too much emphasis on it. You're making a little too obvious with the way you put it that he has a hidden/tragic past that he's not entirely open about. I think you should make this concept a little more subtle. Facts like these are something people should be experiencing first hand as they learn more about a character, not particularly in his description.
Character Critique Thread

Have your OC fairly and honestly evaluated!


2012 Sep 02, 19:40:05 #8 Last Edit: 2012 Sep 02, 19:42:56 by Trege
When I made Cobalt's page I didn't have the story fully planned out so I had to describe specific things differently, but he actually likes being a Knight and he liked the training. And I see what you mean on hiding his past a bit more now that I actually have a prologue it's probably a good idea to hide that or emphasize on it less. I'm not sure when I'll update his page though the way I write stories and characters is weird it usually happens while listening to music or some other form of inspiration. Sometimes a random idea will happen and I try to refine it into a more advanced idea but then I get stuck for awhile figuring out what I need to change next or what to add. Writing the prologue helped me figure out more things to do with Cobalt though so I need to describe his past less, his personality is my biggest problem he's supposed to be knightly and serious since that's the way he was raised but also supposed to be friendly but still have a personality flaw.


2012 Sep 02, 20:54:52 #11 Last Edit: 2012 Sep 03, 02:04:44 by BlackVortex
Can you please do both ponys? (If you can only do one, do the un-named one please)
I will be gone until the pony drought is over... so find me on Feral Heart if you want me :P

Gracie Sky

This critique is for Zinrax, The Lord of Madness by Lord of Madness.

I don't really know what he was like before when reading BananaMustang's review of him, but I'm guessing you revised a few things about him.

When we judge other ponies, we first judge them with our eyes. When you see Zinrax, it's not difficult to imagine him to be a pony who you'd probably cross the street to avoid. Blindfold in daylight, outrageous color scheme, "Friends" in the darkness. Even his own parents fear him. Then again, it was them who made him into what he is.

This character has made a clean transition from insane to misunderstood. Anypony who knows why he became the way he did would more likely feel sympathy for him, rather than fear. While I'll admit he probably was crazy closer to the beginning, he seems to be making an active effort to explore the world of friendship outside his dwelling. I can appreciate this development and I'm glad it's there.

Now, as a character in general, I get the feeling he's a little bit too circumstantial. This all happened because he was born with light sensitive eyes, this tradition not to name him, and parents who valued their pride over their own son. It's like fate conspired to mess with him and make him half loony. On the other hand, if it's not one thing, it's another. I can accept the fact this was just the hand life dealt to Zinrax.

Okay, a few recommendations: You could expound on his abilities with magic, since his cutie mark is related to it. I can't comment on his abilities with magic, since I don't know the extent of his knowledge. All I know is he reads a lot of books about magic, but I don't know what he can actually do with magic, based on the reading. Also... why is he black and red? That's not a normal color for ponies of Canterlot. I would like to know if he was just born with it, or if he made it that color by some means... unless that's a secret, of course.

There's no doubt he is a complex character and understanding him will take a lot more effort than one normally puts into understanding somepony. Whether or not such an investment is worth it I'll leave to you as the reader to decide.
Character Critique Thread

Have your OC fairly and honestly evaluated!

The Wandering Magus

If you would, could you please critique my characters Feather and Juniper?  Thank you very much x3
(sorry Bakasan, chose this image)
Descriptions and art of my OCs here:
my art:
visiting soldier sister, be back 8/12/2013

Gracie Sky

This critique is for Lary by Lary.

Might as well get these out of the way before I start. They bother me, but I'm not asking you to change them. I'd just like to bring them to your attention, if they aren't already:
-Lary is not particularly a pony name.
-This Fusion Magic can be performed by non-unicorns?
-Larson never knew about Fusion magic until he saw it done, but was still able to cast the spell.
-Even as a son of a Life-Long, he shouldn't be allergic to the sun until he drowns out a soul, based on the requirements you listed.
-Why is fusing with Lyra make him immune to sunrays?

I'm dangerously assuming this character is designed to be for the comical amusement of the reader, and not a character designed to be meaningfully developed.

Your fusion concept is a bit of a reach, but you've established enough backstory with it to make it believable on an Equestrian level. Granted, I think you could improve a few of the details on it... maybe something like not drowning out the other soul. I don't know... it just sounds a little dark for Equestria.

It does seem you left room for the possibility that both souls could coexist in the same body, although it seems that the such a possibility is left at the discretion of the pony casting the spell. It makes me wonder why the other ponies who have cast this spell haven't allowed the other soul to coexist. Maybe there's some sort of complication you haven't mentioned. You should probably give more details about the spell itself, rather than the results. It'll help you answer the inconsistencies I mentioned at the beginning as well.

Now as for Lary the character, his potential is severely subdued because of how much guilt he is carrying. With so much guilt, his true personality has difficulty showing. It's to the point where I don't know if he even has a true personality, much less what it would be like. You've piled a lot of sadness on him, almost too much. There's a delicate line between a tragic character and a character with the worst luck ever.

You're probably aware, but you are treading on some dangerous waters with this character. The part about taking Lyra is honestly one of the lesser concerns I have. It is your story, the fate of everypony is up to you. I'm more worried about this random mad scientist that comes and takes away somepony special to him. It would probably be in your best interest to at some point better explain this mad scientist.

Other than that, his interest in medicine is fine, although a bit sudden. I'm not sure why somepony of his skill would not seek certification, unless he is afraid they would figure him out. It makes me wonder if how he will overcome the power of prejudice against his kind. I'm also worried about this new romantic interest. I won't say anything more on that subject.
Character Critique Thread

Have your OC fairly and honestly evaluated!


Finally, some constructive criticism.

I've sent you a PM, since I don't want to potentially center the topic on us.
Could've been something great. But ya' blew it... Ya' blew it.

Skype: Suloboru

Rad Thunder

To add to the list... :P

Rad Thunder
Spoiler: show
Name: Rad Thunder
Race: Pegasus
Gender: Colt
Age: 22
Coat color: Dark Red
Mane: Blonde with black streaks
Clothes: Sleeveless jacket with short cape, watch on front left hoof, blue elastic bands on back legs knees. And wears shades.
Cutie Mark: Twin bright red lightning bolts
Personality: Brash, confident, but comical and friendly

Backstory: Rad Thunder like most Pegasi, come from Cloudsdale. Even at a young age, he's been a fantastic flier and was always trying to show off at every flight camp he was a part of, but was always shown up by another. One incident was the last straw (3 guesses which one that was), and he finally left Cloudsdale for good to train himself and to hone his flying skills solo.

Cutie Mark and shades story: Rad Thunder got his cutie mark during a dangerous stunt he tried just months after leaving Cloudsdale. He attempted to fly through an active thunderhead. He blazed through the cloud with clear ease, but when he was about to exit the cloud, disaster struck, literally. A lightning bolt hit right in front of his face, blinding him and causing him to crash. When he awoke, his eyes were damaged so much that he was just short of blindness and any form of light was intense to him. But luckily, he bought a pair of sunglasses to wear, and it balanced out his sight somewhat. And it was when he got his sight back that he noticed that he had received his Cutie Mark, a pair of red lightning bolts crossing each other.

Current Story: Rad Thunder travels the country still performing his aerial parkour stunts to any and all who wish to see them. Rad now lives in Ponyville with his sister Sleepless Night, and his marefriend Princess Parfait, who he recently attempted to marry, but both decided it was too soon.

Stitchin Time

Gracie, I'm editting Skyler a bit more, so you can skip over her.

Gracie Sky

This critique is for Lycanthropy by Sponk.

This character would make a good fictional character in an Equestrian storybook. His traits and back story are somewhat out there, since tragedy and tragic characters are basically one in a million in Equestria.

Of course, I really only have Ponyville standards to go by. I know that if somepony's mother was sick with a life threatening illness, half the town would be doing everything they could to save that pony. Maybe things are different in Trottingham. If you want my opinion on the matter, it's a little too convenient how his father had already passed away and his mother was not too far behind. I'm probably not allowed to ask exactly how the father died... Princess Celestia would be dismayed at all the disharmony present in Trottingham.

Now, as for the character himself, he is very underprivileged, which gives him greater hurdles to overcome. Although, the greater the hurdles, the greater the triumph. I'm not sure why he howls like a wolf, which is why I think he'd make a good storybook character. Sane ponies don't howl like wolves nor are they given wolf-like names by their parents. Why exactly is his cutie mark a wolf howling at the moon, anyways? Does he have some sort of affinity with wolves?

Oh, lastly... the cuts and the clothes (and perhaps everything about him) make him look emo. I hope that was your intention.
Character Critique Thread

Have your OC fairly and honestly evaluated!

Gracie Sky

This critique is for Mekanu by SapphirePony.

I'll be honest, this pony is foreign. His ability to transform is something never seen before in Equestria, unless you're in one of Rainbow Dash's crazy dreams. The fact that his brother forced him to be his personal guinea pig for these awful experiments makes me cringe. That's just not what ponies do to each other.

I get mixed feelings about shapeshifting being his talent and cutie mark, since this was sort of forced on him against his will. It's admirable that he's making the best of it, but I haven't seen anything else about this brother afterwards, whether or not he was brought to justice for what he did.

Speaking of DNA... I don't even know if ponies even have access to that sort of knowledge, even in Canterlot. But apparently this family living on an island has got some idea how to do it. I just hope it stay on this island, lest there be more cruel DNA experiments.

What does Mekanu stand for or represent anyways?
Character Critique Thread

Have your OC fairly and honestly evaluated!

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