Character Critique Thread

[~Durpy]

http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=5980.0

Have fun

[byndbored]

I redid my character's story so when you can let me know your opinion.

[Itty Bit]

I'm not exactly sure if you could critique her much due to having very little back story, but any advice on how I could make my pony Itty Bit any better would help. If she doesn't have enough going for her to really be criticized, then I understand. 
http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=6049.msg478193#msg478193

[boboy76]

Well, everypony's doin' it, so here 

Name: Cosmo Gaze
Age: 16
Gender: Male
Race: Unicorn
Likes:Nighttime, the sky, chocolate, being with other ponies, reading.
Dislikes:Being alone, mean ponies, ponies who mess with his friends, being interrupted.
Personality: A kind pony who doesn't like to be messed with, or bothered.
Spells: He doesn't know many advanced spells, he knows as much spells as an average unicorn does.
Appearance:

Spoiler: show

Cutie Mark:

Spoiler: show

Backstory: Cosmo was born in Ponyville but has dreamed of moving to canterlot for a better view at the stars. Ever since Cosmo was a foal he has loved gazing up at the sky at night and examining the stars. He then got an idea, why couldn't he examine them closer? A few days later he got a telescope as a gift from his parents. Cosmo was joyous and couldn't wait to use it at nighttime! When it was night, he pulled up the telescope with his magic and looked through it. When he was looking through it he couldn't believe how much he was missing out on! After he finished looking, he went back into his house. While he was walking through his father told him to look behind him. When he did he noticed his cutie mark had arrived! Cosmo was never happier in his life. The next day Cosmo went to school everypony congratulated him on his cutie mark, he had never been so happy in the past few days. A few years later, his parents told him that they were moving to Canterlot. Cosmo couldn't believe what he was hearing, he had always wanted to go there! The next day Cosmo and his parents said goodbye to all of their friends and boarded the train to Canterlot. The whole train ride Cosmo read a book, and munched on some chocolate that he had gotten before he left. When they finally arrived Cosmo's jaw dropped at how glorious Canterlot was, the buildings were built amazingly, and the art was breathtaking. They then made their way to their new home and settled in, Cosmo has been living there with his family ever since, making new friends and staring into the night sky.

[Gracie Sky]

This is a critique for Liaisa Machia by Chirp.

Ah, this is the kind of pony I like reading about, even ignoring that really adorable picture of her, because I know it's wrong to judge a pony by their cover. Still... braided hair and ribbons appeal to me in particular, but I won't be bringing up her appearance.

There is a lot going for this pony that I approve of and the base of her characteristics are very stable. She was raised by very proper parents who emphasized their proper lifestyle on their daughter. One way or another, they attended many weddings, which she found out she enjoyed a lot.  I sort of find your reasoning a little suspicious, although not suspicious enough to doubt. I would rather her parents run some sort of wedding related business instead of attending their friends' weddings, but it's not a big problem.

Anyways, through these weddings, she seems to get a good grasp on which type of colts go with which types of mares well. As a result, she manages to pair up ponies at the Hearts and Hooves day dance. Predictably and ironically, she finds a match for everypony but herself, due to being too busy making the aforementioned matches. That must've been some line, which goes to show she didn't have any shortage of colts to choose from, assuming she wanted to match one to herself. The fact that she didn't implies none of them were right for her and she's actually really good at her talent. That's partially what I like about her, she's a ponies' champion. I respect ponies who put others' needs ahead of their own, and that fact is driven further if they have to suffer because of it.

Now what I'd like to know more about is this mysterious colt who rescued her out of her pool of solitude and self pity was. No name, no history, no future. They didn't even really dance. He just came and went, but it changed her life around and inspired her cutie mark. I'm hoping this is all deliberate. I'd also like to know more about her post Hearts and Hooves day dance, unless the story ends there. And the name, I still think it's more of a human name than a pony name.

Nice OC, nonetheless. With some refinement, I could offer my seal of approval for this one.

[Chirp]

Thank you so much for your critique, Gracie.

I split the story into "Bio" and "Cutiemark Story" and gave the mysterious colt a race and a least bit of a future and past, but not at all much; it's about Liaisa afterall.

I also gave their parents occupations which would perhaps explain better why they attended the weddings?

What I can't change is her name, though. At least the Liaisa part. I like that too much; to me it just fits. I could change the Machia, but I wouldn't know what to change it into right now. If you've got an idea, I'd be more than happy to hear it.

[cloudandis]

Eh, what the hay. I might as well give you somethin' to do! Besides, I actually worked on this one x-x

http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=6555.0

Enjoy the read!

[Gracie Sky]

This is a critique for Arty Brightshadow by ArtVeigar

After reading the description, I have the same feelings about the character as I did last time, which I will touch up on and expound on. Overall, I can see what you're trying to attempt with him, but it's a very dangerous road to attempt.

In a nutshell, he can harness light and dark magic based on his current personality, which is a reflection of the mood of the area he's in. When surrounded by optimism, he's very agreeable and uses light magic best. When surrounded by pessimism, he becomes violent and uses dark magic. He was born with a Yin and Yang cutie mark, probably representing the balance of light and dark. It's a really great idea to have an OC so closely attached to emotions, I have one myself, but you face a mountain of obstacles that really give our suspension of disbelief a run for its money.

First off, being born with a cutie marks immediately makes a pony special. He did absolutely no work in try to figure out what his special talent was, nor did he have any say in what he was going to do with his life. A destiny was just handed to him by his fate. If anypony like that ever popped up, especially one with a cutie mark related to the balance of opposites, Princess Celestia would have her nose in it. But... from what I can tell, he is at least trying to live a normal life, despite all these abnormalties about him. I wonder if anypony is even curious about why he was born with a cutie mark or why he changes skin color enough to take him to go see a doctor or some sort of authority figure.

Secondly, this entire business with his attunement to emotions is very... involuntary. The problem with your personality being a reflection of everypony around you is that you have no emotion yourself. We don't know if he's a happy or sad pony because when ever he is happy or sad, it's probably because everypony around him is either happy or sad. It's worse for him, because he has no control over his powers - or emotions. He is hardly a pony more than he is a set of embodied laws designed to scare ponies into being more optimistic. He's dangerous to be around when all is not well, a fact even he is aware of. I would lock up such a threat if he didn't beat me to it by running away and isolating himself for years.

The main thing I suggest for you is to address all the unanswered "whys". Why is he like he is? You don't need me to tell you he is not normal. What happened that was different to make him like he is?

I must say, though, this character does create a lot of intrigue. I'm rather curious to know what he does about his condition and how everything will turn out in the end. Intended or not, that's a good job on your part.

[ComputerDeathglare]

Could you do Pyro for me?


http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=6577.0

[Fluffy Cloud]

Could you do a critique on Tanzanite for me?

http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=6544.0

[ArtVeigar]

This is a critique for Arty Brightshadow by ArtVeigar

Spoiler: show

After reading the description, I have the same feelings about the character as I did last time, which I will touch up on and expound on. Overall, I can see what you're trying to attempt with him, but it's a very dangerous road to attempt.

In a nutshell, he can harness light and dark magic based on his current personality, which is a reflection of the mood of the area he's in. When surrounded by optimism, he's very agreeable and uses light magic best. When surrounded by pessimism, he becomes violent and uses dark magic. He was born with a Yin and Yang cutie mark, probably representing the balance of light and dark. It's a really great idea to have an OC so closely attached to emotions, I have one myself, but you face a mountain of obstacles that really give our suspension of disbelief a run for its money.

First off, being born with a cutie marks immediately makes a pony special. He did absolutely no work in try to figure out what his special talent was, nor did he have any say in what he was going to do with his life. A destiny was just handed to him by his fate. If anypony like that ever popped up, especially one with a cutie mark related to the balance of opposites, Princess Celestia would have her nose in it. But... from what I can tell, he is at least trying to live a normal life, despite all these abnormalties about him. I wonder if anypony is even curious about why he was born with a cutie mark or why he changes skin color enough to take him to go see a doctor or some sort of authority figure.

Secondly, this entire business with his attunement to emotions is very... involuntary. The problem with your personality being a reflection of everypony around you is that you have no emotion yourself. We don't know if he's a happy or sad pony because when ever he is happy or sad, it's probably because everypony around him is either happy or sad. It's worse for him, because he has no control over his powers - or emotions. He is hardly a pony more than he is a set of embodied laws designed to scare ponies into being more optimistic. He's dangerous to be around when all is not well, a fact even he is aware of. I would lock up such a threat if he didn't beat me to it by running away and isolating himself for years.

The main thing I suggest for you is to address all the unanswered "whys". Why is he like he is? You don't need me to tell you he is not normal. What happened that was different to make him like he is?

I must say, though, this character does create a lot of intrigue. I'm rather curious to know what he does about his condition and how everything will turn out in the end. Intended or not, that's a good job on your part.

First of all, really thanks for your critique!
For all you've said, now I can just confirm that Arty really doesn't have emotions for himself, at least at the moment. There is even an RP I'm playing where everypony lost their magical abilities, so, incapable of gathering other's emotions, Arty became an emotionless being.

I'll think about all of your suggestions to expand and change the backgorund story, make it more complete and with more sense, and the part I need to really put more thoughts is about his cutie mark and why he was kept unkown even with all his unique characteristics. I'll also change his story along with the RPs I'll be playing.

And about the intrigues, it was more or less intended, as I made it not just for the people who reads his story, but also for myself, as even I don't know how everything will turn out to be. Everything will depends on the RPs I play, as that's what will define his story. Maybe I'll just put some things between RPs so it makes sense.

Thanks again for the critique!

[Gracie Sky]

This is a critique for Durpy by ~Durpy.

I'm not exactly sure how to put this, but this pony has an aura consistent with that of an autobiography. I will be keeping this possibility in mind during the critique.

There's a few critical points that I feel are worth pointing out, although I assume all of these were part of your original intent, but I still feel it merits mentioning. First off is the name, which I'm 99% sure is a play off the fan-named pony of exceeding popularity, Derpy. It's not exactly original, considering everypony enjoys incorporating Derpy into their works nowadays, it seems. However, I'm sure you wanted it this way, and it's not particularly fair of me to judge a name based on the popularity of another. Secondly, there are no video games in Equestria. There aren't even any television sets. Amplifiers... do technically exist, courtesy of Vinyl Scratch. You may wish to reconsider the circumstances surrounding the job he was considering if you want to be more accurate to Equestrian technology.

Okay, now on to the things I saw that could improve as I read your story. First off, you might want to clear up the mystery engulfing this mare who "raised" Durpy. It's not required, if you already understand that anypony who reads the piece is going to wonder exactly who this mare was; particularly whether or not this pony was Durpy's mother and why she was so quick to get rid of him. As a matter of fact, his fillyhood seemed a bit rushed. I think expounding on the key thoughts in his past... and maybe have more than one paragraph would help round out Durpy's development.

Now... his life by himself was partially what gave me the impression he was your ponysona. Looking for jobs, getting money from the "government", and living in apartments are all things people do in real life... but is it something that ponies do? Of course, this is Manehatten, which isn't Ponyville, so I can't say for sure. However, I can say I've never seen a unemployed or homeless pony in the show and I doubt Princess Celestia, who is the government, hands out benefits to her citizens. This touch of the real world may warrant a second look if this OC is not designed to be a ponysona. If it is, it's far more acceptable.

Purple better be his favorite color, because I find his "love at first sight" ordeal with Twilight Sparkle to be a bit too convenient.

Lastly, his special talent doesn't really need to be touched, but you could go into more detail about what exactly he can do with it or how good he is with it. To me, it sounds like all he really needed to do was read a book and a day later, he suddenly became good at something that he hadn't even tried his hoof at until then. Explaining his training process in better detail would really build his credibility.

[Link]

Sorry, but I just had to correct this one; ponies do in fact have video games, as demonstrated here:

Spoiler: show

[Gracie Sky]

Um... yes. While I forgot that scene existed, I find it to be somewhat of a visual gag to emphasize that the pony in question was indeed too young to date a teacher. The fact that it is an outdoor arcade with no means of plugging into an outlet doesn't give it much credibility.

But yes, according to that picture, video games do in fact exist in Equestria.
I will keep this in mind on future reviews.

[Gracie Sky]

This is a critique for Itty Bit by Itty Bit.

You weren't kidding when you said it was short. I have very little to work with, but I can go over the idea of this character in general.

So what I see is a cute little foal who loves being what one would expect out of a foal. In fact, there's probably a checklist of cute things about a foal and Itty Bit probably would score 100 on that. What would really pull this OC up a notch is something that would set her apart from other foals, who are also cute. Of course, due to her young age, she may have not had enough time to have a quirk. There's no age line, but I think being a year old is old enough to start having quirks. Something like drawing on floors would count as a quirk, but I find it a bit predictable. You should keep shuffling ideas until you have something that says "Itty Bit".

You say she has no/not much history, but I can tell you're just hiding it. Being adopted, it means something happened back then, and whatever it is is super important. I cannot fathom anypony leaving a foal like her, leaving me to believe her parents had no choice. I'm not going to go too far down this road, since I'm sure when the time it right, you'll fill in the gaps in her history.

You're also stating she is an RPing character, meaning she develops as she RPs. I find this to be... a little different for an OC such as her. Developing tends to cause characters to... to age. Eventually, it'll be a tough sell to say she is 1 year old, but has done all these things in RPs. I bring this up because I remember you stating that you intend for her to be forever young, since once she grows up, her name starts becoming unfitting. But don't let that stop you, the purpose of characters are to develop!

[Itty Bit]

Thank you for the criticism! Though I haven't been as much as an rper as I used to, I still do commonly use Itty Bit in my little tumblr blog. I'll take your words of advice to heart as I continue to play around with her on tumblr~ c:

[Gracie Sky]

This is a critique for Cosmo Gaze by boboy76.

Just from the name, I would assume this pony just loves to gaze at the cosmos. His parents better be astronomers, or else I would question why they would name their child something so specific.

His story is very quaint, if not overly idealistic. What I mean is he likes Ponyville, but wants to move to Canterlot. He likes watching the stars, but he wants to see them closer. In response to these desires, he gets a telescope and his family moves to Canterlot. It's such a happy, convenient, and drama-free ending, but it gives me the impression that he has not developed as a character at all. Of course, given the choice, I would rather read about a pony like him over an overly tragic OC. Still, I think you have room to give this character... a bit more character.

The soul of character development is what the character learns over his or her life and how that makes him or her a better pony. So far, Cosmo Gaze has learned that Telescopes and Canterlot are awesome, which is true, but doesn't really make for great learning experiences. You need to find a way for him to exert himself, especially when concerning the acquisition of his cutie mark. One does not get a cutie mark for looking through a telescope. One gets a cutie for realizing that his life's passion is watching the stars, but the problem with that is he already knew that he liked watching stars. You need to clearly define that point where he discovers that his special talent is stargazing, as well as giving it a practical application to everyday life. It would be super if you could make him use his special talent in a way that benefits the community around him.

Use the mane 6 for some examples: Twilight Sparkle runs the library, Applejack sells apples, Pinkie Pie sells confections, Fluttershy runs an animal shelter, Rarity runs a fashion boutique, and Rainbow Dash helps maintain Ponyville's weather. All of these professions somehow tie into what the respective pony's special talent is and could not be done by just any pony (as Magical Mystery Cure made apparent). Find something useful for the community that Cosmo Gaze could do with his talent and you'll be on the right track.

[boboy76]

This is a critique for Cosmo Gaze by boboy76.

Just from the name, I would assume this pony just loves to gaze at the cosmos. His parents better be astronomers, or else I would question why they would name their child something so specific.

His story is very quaint, if not overly idealistic. What I mean is he likes Ponyville, but wants to move to Canterlot. He likes watching the stars, but he wants to see them closer. In response to these desires, he gets a telescope and his family moves to Canterlot. It's such a happy, convenient, and drama-free ending, but it gives me the impression that he has not developed as a character at all. Of course, given the choice, I would rather read about a pony like him over an overly tragic OC. Still, I think you have room to give this character... a bit more character.

The soul of character development is what the character learns over his or her life and how that makes him or her a better pony. So far, Cosmo Gaze has learned that Telescopes and Canterlot are awesome, which is true, but doesn't really make for great learning experiences. You need to find a way for him to exert himself, especially when concerning the acquisition of his cutie mark. One does not get a cutie mark for looking through a telescope. One gets a cutie for realizing that his life's passion is watching the stars, but the problem with that is he already knew that he liked watching stars. You need to clearly define that point where he discovers that his special talent is stargazing, as well as giving it a practical application to everyday life. It would be super if you could make him use his special talent in a way that benefits the community around him.

Use the mane 6 for some examples: Twilight Sparkle runs the library, Applejack sells apples, Pinkie Pie sells confections, Fluttershy runs an animal shelter, Rarity runs a fashion boutique, and Rainbow Dash helps maintain Ponyville's weather. All of these professions somehow tie into what the respective pony's special talent is and could not be done by just any pony (as Magical Mystery Cure made apparent). Find something useful for the community that Cosmo Gaze could do with his talent and you'll be on the right track.

ok

[Gracie Sky]

This is a critique for Soloren by cloudandis.

Wow, this is a pretty long bio. It might be a bit too long, or at least may require being seperated into multiple paragraphs, since you have what is known as a text block.

Oh, you also have her cutie mark story written in its own section as well as in the bio. I don't recommend that, as it becomes redundant. I would suggest you remove her cutie mark aquisition story and just say something simple like "--and then the events of her cutie mark story ensued. After finding her cutie mark--". If anypony realizes they are reading the cutie mark story verbatim, they will just skip it, like I did.

So far, what you do have is very insightful. You describe many aspects of the character's daily life and interaction with her family members. I do enjoy seeing more thought and effort put into OCs. Her talent is very nicely put together and not overly complicated... unlike her husband. I don't even know how a pony can read minds/memories and not abuse such powers. Anyways, Soloren's love and dedication for caring for plants is her strongest aspect. I can also appreciate how she dislikes how other mistreat flowers by using them as decorations, but killing them in the process. Her stance on plant life and the treatment of plants is well established and thought out.

While I praise you on the amount of detail you give, I think in some places, the detail might be a bit overkill. Like when she is caring for the flowers that earn her her cutie mark, you state that she makes sure the flowers recieve a reasonable amount of sunlight and she kept a good supply of rain water. I find a few of these actions to be a given and not really worth stating. I mean, there's a point when common sense would say if she taking care of flowers, she's going to give them sunlight and water. It's not a really big issue, but I felt it was worth brining up. It doesn't require any change if you still believe it necessary to state.

Around the end, things get a little conspicuous, with the breaking in of a robber who stole finacial records and the disappearance of the husband. I'm not going to tread on this ground, since you appear to be deliberately vague, so I'm going to assume you have all the details concerning why a pony would somepony else's finacial records.

Overall, a really well thought out OC. Keep up the good work!

[Gracie Sky]

This is a critique for Pyro by ComputerDeathglare.

Let me start off by stating you start her life by killing one of her family members... or is he still alive but as some sort of zombie? Regardless, making a foal's first memories of a traumatic nature and using that as a reason why she is antisocial is a bit overplayed. If you want to use this story for her, I recommend putting more detail into it, perhaps explaining exactly what made her brother so important to her that his death would be traumatic to her. You also might want to make it more clear what is going on with her brother, since what you have about him right now is confusing me a bit.

Regardless of her past, it appears as though she still is developing healthily, forming interests and hobbies. Yes, she apparently doesn't have any friends, which is merely a indication of a lack of trust in others she doesn't know. Most ponies who have this trait end up finding out that friends are worth having once she decides to open up. One of the contributing factors for her lack of friends is the fact that she kept moving; you may want to explain why they were always on the move, because that seems a bit too convenient without an explanation.

Now... her cutie mark.. is a flame. She has this because she discovered she likes fire while drawing it during an art session. Furthermore... she somehow discovered that fire doesn't harm her. I would love to know exactly how she came to find this out and why fire doesn't affect her like it would normal ponies. Of course, you don't have to explain it immediately, but understand anypony who finds out that she resists fire like a pro will want to know why and will expect a logical reason. I'm just making sure you have that logical reason in your mind as you continue to develop this character.

You left a lot of room for development for this character, which I like. There are a few details I suggest you fill and you will have an OC that can go far.