Character Critique Thread

[Gracie Sky]

This is a critique for Luminescence by Lunar Eclipse.

I must admit the flow of this character's bio is somewhat scattered. I have trouble clearly understanding exactly what is going on. You may want to review the method in which you express this character's background with to make it clearer.

From what I can tell, Luminescence has a fascination for light due to being colorblind (which I find to be odd), but found difficulty making light because most of the light in Manehatten is generated by magic. Eventually, he discovered candles and basically became a candle professional.

Now, a candlemaking pony is a welcome addition to the world of Equestria, although with such a profession, he may be condemned to the role of background pony. Of course, that doesn't mean he's any less important than the other ponies!

You might want to make it a little clearer that he uses candles in combination with things like fragrances for the therapeutic effects... if that was your intention with the character, that is. You stated fragrances in the beginning and candles at the end, but never the two in unison.

You might want to add... personality to this character, by the way. I mean more than can be described with a few adjectives. It's such an important part of a character; it's how we relate to them. Such an important aspect deserves at least a few sentences if you can give him such a large bio.

[Celia_Tempest]

http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=5537.0

I'm sorry to bump, but could you do mine?? The Mary Sue test was a 5, but hearing from another living organism first hand just feels better.

[Lunar Eclipse]

Wow, sorry. I didn't even realize about half that. Thanks for being Honest

[Gracie Sky]

This is a critique for Majem by Chirp.

To be completely frank, the idea of an elemental pony, much less an entire family of differently aligned elemental ponies, is not a bad idea, but it breaks my suspension of disbelief. I just can't see these ponies existing in Equestria outside foal's tale books.

I've never seen evidence to suggest that a pony can use magic to transform their body into water. Of course, it's magic, so anything is theoretically possible. Still, a spell like this would probably be forbidden, or at least very secretive, since I don't  see ponies turning into water on a normal basis. At least secretive enough that a farmer's son would not have access to such a spell. It makes me wonder how he learned this spell in the first place, unless he just picked it up or even invented it.

Water changing aside, I've never been a fan of ponies who were born with a cutie mark. It takes away the discovery process involved. They say the journey is half the fun. Ponies who start at their destination are half the fun, right? Furthermore, the technical implications are more than I'm willing to address. Let's just say when a pony is born, they aren't handed a surf board and told "Congratulations, you're going to be a surfer!".

His personality contradicts itself a bit, but you've already pointed this out, so it must be deliberate. The main problem I have with such contradictions is I can't tell if he's introverted or extroverted, because he shows signs of both. It's like he's riding the fence. I get the feeling his personality is merely quick to change from what you write. You might want to point that out, if that is the case.

I really don't know what can be done to improve or fix this character. I know changing into water is his thing, but I just... can't... warm up to it. I don't want you to have to change it, either. If I had to give advice, just make him a good swimmer. Becoming one with the water makes him sort of a... a mutant or something. It's just not normal.

[Tiger]

I know you already looked at Tiger's OC page, but could you give a full length critique of her? Please?

http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=5378.0

[Chirp]

This is a critique for Majem by Chirp.

To be completely frank, the idea of an elemental pony, much less an entire family of differently aligned elemental ponies, is not a bad idea, but it breaks my suspension of disbelief. I just can't see these ponies existing in Equestria outside foal's tale books.

They're not really elementals, just Majem, but I get your point. I just thought it'd be fun to write it like that since they'll never actually get RP time or anything. Besides, I need a break from haunted pony pasts, a family living together in harmony seemed nice to me.

I've never seen evidence to suggest that a pony can use magic to transform their body into water. Of course, it's magic, so anything is theoretically possible. Still, a spell like this would probably be forbidden, or at least very secretive, since I don't  see ponies turning into water on a normal basis. At least secretive enough that a farmer's son would not have access to such a spell. It makes me wonder how he learned this spell in the first place, unless he just picked it up or even invented it.

Hmm, yes. Well, to be honest, I made up Majem so I could join Magus' "Pony Cosmology" RP. I just started out as a water-loving unicorn, but the turning-into-water was so much fun, I decided that'd be his special talent. I know it's an unusual spell, if not somewhat OP in some situations, but he just had to have that one.
I guess when it's your life's goal, you can go the distance.

Water changing aside, I've never been a fan of ponies who were born with a cutie mark. It takes away the discovery process involved. They say the journey is half the fun. Ponies who start at their destination are half the fun, right? Furthermore, the technical implications are more than I'm willing to address. Let's just say when a pony is born, they aren't handed a surf board and told "Congratulations, you're going to be a surfer!".

No, it's true, but nothing tells us it's impossible to be 'born' with one. To be honest, I got kind of lazy with his background story. The original idea was his father dropping him into a river as a foal, on accident of course. Which ended up Majem saving his father, but that was even more ridiculous (I don't know what's wrong with me from time to time). So actually there's no story at all to his talent. Just the way I came up with him. His talent was clear from the start.

His personality contradicts itself a bit, but you've already pointed this out, so it must be deliberate. The main problem I have with such contradictions is I can't tell if he's introverted or extroverted, because he shows signs of both. It's like he's riding the fence. I get the feeling his personality is merely quick to change from what you write. You might want to point that out, if that is the case.

I'll share a secret with you. I gave him my personality. Like I said before, I made Majem to join Magus' RP, which means he had NO personality whatsoever. He was born in that RP and fleshed out there, which ended up just him being me.

I really don't know what can be done to improve or fix this character. I know changing into water is his thing, but I just... can't... warm up to it. I don't want you to have to change it, either. If I had to give advice, just make him a good swimmer. Becoming one with the water makes him sort of a... a mutant or something. It's just not normal.

A good swimmer, eh? Well, that would contradict to him being a very weak unicorn. His water form allows quick and easy travel through water and he can hold his breath for very long, though.

I'll see if I can make him a bit more interesting, though I think I'll fail to make him attractive to you. Oh well.

Thanks for taking the time out of your life to critique my OC! 

[Gracie Sky]

This is a critique for Xeena by Celia_Tempest.

First, the character seems to not be from Equestria. Most obviously, her hometown, Extris, is not a land on the Equestrian map. Furthermore, I don't believe there is a civilization in Equestria that would not be developed enough to graduate past the medieval level, because Princess Celestia should be monitoring this town. I doubt she would allow such a primitive settlement to exist for long. Next, Xeena is not a pony name, unless you can tell me the source of this name that would convince me otherwise. Xeena sounds more like the name of a (human) warrior princess, which is pretty close to what she is. Also, ponies covered with battle scars are unheard of, simply because Equestria is the land of love and tolerance. Ponies don't fight, especially with weapons. I'm ready to believe she is from a land far far away, which would be the most logical approach for this character.

On the other hand, you need to explain why she's hanging out on the outskirts of Ponyville in particular. Does she live there? In the Everfree? Is she just waiting for something to happen?

Now, on to the character herself. She's a rather ironic character, being a strong but unintelligent unicorn. This sort of contradiction does add a few dimensions to her, though. I don't have any problems with her personality; it's fresh. Her history kinda disturbs me since whoever rules Extris apparently raises other ponies' children to be warriors if they show the potential. Are they in some sort of war or something? I get the feeling whoever this ruler is is some sort of tyrant or religious fanatic, not allowing his/her soldier to develop feelings. It's like Extris is raising killing machines who never question or talk back or have their own opinions. It's rather disturbing that anypony who falls out of line gets exiled.

And I just can't warm up to those scars. She looks like a former slave. Somepony get her to a doctor... or to a spa!

[The Wandering Magus]

This is a critique for Xeena by Celia_Tempest.

First, the character seems to not be from Equestria. Most obviously, her hometown, Extris, is not a land on the Equestrian map. Furthermore, I don't believe there is a civilization in Equestria that would not be developed enough to graduate past the medieval level, because Princess Celestia should be monitoring this town. I doubt she would allow such a primitive settlement to exist for long. Next, Xeena is not a pony name, unless you can tell me the source of this name that would convince me otherwise. Xeena sounds more like the name of a (human) warrior princess, which is pretty close to what she is. Also, ponies covered with battle scars are unheard of, simply because Equestria is the land of love and tolerance. Ponies don't fight, especially with weapons. I'm ready to believe she is from a land far far away, which would be the most logical approach for this character.

On the other hand, you need to explain why she's hanging out on the outskirts of Ponyville in particular. Does she live there? In the Everfree? Is she just waiting for something to happen?

Now, on to the character herself. She's a rather ironic character, being a strong but unintelligent unicorn. This sort of contradiction does add a few dimensions to her, though. I don't have any problems with her personality; it's fresh. Her history kinda disturbs me since whoever rules Extris apparently raises other ponies' children to be warriors if they show the potential. Are they in some sort of war or something? I get the feeling whoever this ruler is is some sort of tyrant or religious fanatic, not allowing his/her soldier to develop feelings. It's like Extris is raising killing machines who never question or talk back or have their own opinions. It's rather disturbing that anypony who falls out of line gets exiled.

And I just can't warm up to those scars. She looks like a former slave. Somepony get her to a doctor... or to a spa!

maybe now that

Spoiler: show

slavery and tyrrany

are canon, it makes it "not impossible" that there's some sort of warlord fitting the description somewhere outside Equestria beyond the Princesses' political influence?

[ShadowHeart]

would u guys possibly be ok with me posting an oc on here rather than start a thread....little scared to do that now so would u guys mind if i just posted an oc here and put a spoiler mark on it...or i can make a thread...

[The Wandering Magus]

would u guys possibly be ok with me posting an oc on here rather than start a thread....little scared to do that now so would u guys mind if i just posted an oc here and put a spoiler mark on it...or i can make a thread...

well, it IS meant to be a character CRITIQUE thread, so if you want your OC critiqued, Gracie might allow it, but you'd have to PM her first.

[ShadowHeart]

kk thx
that reminded me of this

Spoiler: show

[Smoke_out]

I'v had plenty of people both critique and compliment both of my OC's incarnations that i'v posted here, but i'd like someone else to give me a more "in depth" critique.

http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=5436.0
Here's the thread, thanks for taking the time to Critique Smokeout for me.

[Gracie Sky]

If you have an OC you would like me to look at, I would be more than happy to give you a hopefully fair and constructive opinion on the character(s). Just post whatever information about the character you'd like me to read or post a link that leads to a topic that has such information. I would prefer any links not lead away from this forum, that is my only request.

Yes, I will critique a character directly posted on this topic upon request, feel free to post away.

[The Wandering Magus]

I've made a few more OCs, for Starsong's Adventure Across Equestria RP.  They're the most recent post on my OC page, in my sig.  Could you possibly critique them?   Even though I didn't really put near as much effort into their backstory as I usually do

[Gracie Sky]

This is a critique for Tiger Stripes by Tiger.

I must admit I'm having difficulty critiquing this character professionally, because of how unprofessionally adorable she is. I mean when you talk about how your OC races have their own island and meet at a warehouse on occasion to socialize because they are all English speaking creatures, the side of me that is a critic shakes its head, but I still can't help but smile at it.

Now, the idea of a cat turned into a pony is different for sure. I kind of like the idea, although I am not an advocate for pony hybrids/crossovers in general. With a cat from a different world, it's a little more believable. The characteristics of a cat can be associated with that of a pony, making it easier for her to fit in a pony world.

As for your History...  I use the word "convenient" again. When I say that, it refers to the lack of explanation or foreshadowing on about half of the things that has happened in Tiger Stripes's life, and I somehow doubt these details were deliberately left out. Miraculously surviving an earthquake after she was born on top of a pile of rubble... A mirror world from where she saved a character I didn't know existed until Tiger Stripes saved her... A cave that mysteriously appears and leads to Equestria... Do you see what all these lack? A reason. The why and how. Of course, there's no obligation to explain the origins or reasoning behind any of these in something like a character bio. What bothers me is that the way you bring these events up gives me the impression that these are plot devices randomly put in to progress the character.

Or perhaps this character's life has been a reflection of RPs? Yes... that seems more likely. With that in mind, the randomness of her experiences makes more sense and doesn't really require explanation, since what happens in RPs should stay in RPs.

If I were to give you any advice on how to improve this character, you would do well to better explain the things in her history. What is the Mirror World? Who is Shori? How can a cat turned into a pony build a machine that can lead them back to their homeworld? Is the friend a science wizard or something?

Oh... right... you mentioned they started with cutie marks once they entered Equestria. I recommend you change that, it kind of goes against the nature of cutie marks. Either that, or explain why they started off with cutie marks already on them.

[Tiger]

Spoiler: show

This is a critique for Tiger Stripes by Tiger.

I must admit I'm having difficulty critiquing this character professionally, because of how unprofessionally adorable she is. I mean when you talk about how your OC races have their own island and meet at a warehouse on occasion to socialize because they are all English speaking creatures, the side of me that is a critic shakes its head, but I still can't help but smile at it.

Now, the idea of a cat turned into a pony is different for sure. I kind of like the idea, although I am not an advocate for pony hybrids/crossovers in general. With a cat from a different world, it's a little more believable. The characteristics of a cat can be associated with that of a pony, making it easier for her to fit in a pony world.

As for your History...  I use the word "convenient" again. When I say that, it refers to the lack of explanation or foreshadowing on about half of the things that has happened in Tiger Stripes's life, and I somehow doubt these details were deliberately left out. Miraculously surviving an earthquake after she was born on top of a pile of rubble... A mirror world from where she saved a character I didn't know existed until Tiger Stripes saved her... A cave that mysteriously appears and leads to Equestria... Do you see what all these lack? A reason. The why and how. Of course, there's no obligation to explain the origins or reasoning behind any of these in something like a character bio. What bothers me is that the way you bring these events up gives me the impression that these are plot devices randomly put in to progress the character.

Or perhaps this character's life has been a reflection of RPs? Yes... that seems more likely. With that in mind, the randomness of her experiences makes more sense and doesn't really require explanation, since what happens in RPs should stay in RPs.

If I were to give you any advice on how to improve this character, you would do well to better explain the things in her history. What is the Mirror World? Who is Shori? How can a cat turned into a pony build a machine that can lead them back to their homeworld? Is the friend a science wizard or something?

Oh... right... you mentioned they started with cutie marks once they entered Equestria. I recommend you change that, it kind of goes against the nature of cutie marks. Either that, or explain why they started off with cutie marks already on them.

Thank you very much for the critique, I shall try and improve Tiger further. Very much appreciated! 

[Gracie Sky]

This is a critique for Smokeout Knight by Smoke_out.

First off, I'd like to thank you for being so patient while your past incarnation of the OC was being critiqued.

Now, as a character, he is vastly improved and is far more viable to exist in Equestria. His role as somewhat of a Lorekeeper is rather intriguing, I have yet to see anypony like that to date. I encourage you to take his search for knowledge and stories as far as you can. Of course, as you already know, you'll need to be prepared to change whatever lore you introduce when and if it suddenly contradicts the show's canon lore.

I was a little skeptical about his vapor form until you explained it and compared it to Nightmare Moon's vapor ability. I suggest you explain the details of that ability when you bring it up in "Special Abilities", rather than in "Weaknesses" (it's not really even a weakness, is it?). In fact... I'm not even sure you need a Weakness and Strength tab, since I don't feel they add any content other than to detail the finer points of his vapor skill.

I also wonder about his innate ability to detect hidden feelings. Is he psychic and can actually read what other ponies are feeling, or is he just really knowledgeable on pony psychiatry and knows how they are feeling based on experience? I would advise the second, because he is not a Unicorn and being psychic... is quite frankly even beyond the magic Unicorns are capable of. I don't even think Alicorns like Celestia can read minds. I won't say it's impossible, of course. One of my own OCs can read feelings, but she can't really do anything else.

Lastly, I'd like to bring up the whole "Origins of Equestria" thing you have going. Is there any significance about knowing the beings who supposedly created Equestria to the point where Princess Celestia would recommend keeping the knowledge of their existence a secret? You don't need to answer that question, since it would probably spoil whatever plot devices you may have, but I'm just making sure you are prepared to answer that question when the time comes.

... Wait... does that mean DISCORD helped make Equestria?!

[Link]

So I've done a lot of reworking with a new OC that I've been trying out, and I think I'm ready to have him reviewed again. I'm not even sure where I got this idea for this kind of pony, but I really want to make it work and seem believable at the same time. So, here it is (feel free to review both, but the main one I'm posting for is the second, Quick Draw).

http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=2294.msg145564#msg145564

[ShadowHeart]

posted a new oc and i wouldn't mind some comments on her or anything that needs work thxies

[byndbored]

I'm working on a 2nd chapter to my oc's story if you have any ideas can you let me know.