Character Critique Thread

Started by Gracie Sky, 2012 Sep 02, 01:43:33

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Gracie Sky

Eh... there really are no instructions on making a character. If you're trying to post a character, you simply start a new topic. A word document isn't really required. As far as I know, you can only post YouTube videos, in which you will need to click on the YouTube button on the reply interface.
Character Critique Thread

Have your OC fairly and honestly evaluated!

Gracie Sky

This is a critique for Tanzanite by Fluffy Cloud.

This is definitely one of the more out there ponies. She has a good amount of personality, although I find some of the events in her storyline to be a little convenient.

First off, she was inexplicably left at an orphanage by her parents. While the orphan card is often played, it can be justified if she was left there for a good (maybe even original) reason. I really hope you have a good reason in mind why her parents could not care for their own child and would burden somepony else with the task with nothing but a letter. I almost wonder what the letter said, like maybe the letter contained the good reason we're all looking for. But if that were the case, I would expect Tanzanite to be understanding that her parents had a good reason why they had to give her to an orphanage. So, either the letter did not state a reason, or the reason was not a good one.

More on the letter, she discovers it because she was dared to... snoop around in the Staff Room by bullies. I'm not exactly sure what the bullies were hoping to accomplish by daring her to snoop around in a restricted room. All I can think of is they wanted to see her get caught and get into trouble. And I also find it unlikely that she would find the single letter that mentions her during her snooping unless it stood out in some way. Even then, why would somepony store this letter in a fashion that makes it stand out more than whatever else was in the staff room? Ignoring all that, she would have to actually read the letter to realize it was written about her, something I don't see her doing if she is pressured for time and not looking for anything in particular. On the other hoof, these events don't really require explanation. You can leave it as sheer coincidence and that'll work. I just was compelled to approach these events from a logical standpoint.

I do like the fact that she always seems irritated, because that gives her a realistic feel. The reason she is upset, the letter from her parents, I find to be a bit weak on its own. Her history of being bullied is a good reason, but she's out of the orphanage now, so its effects on her personality should have less impact. I recommend something currently putting her in a constant bad mood. You mention high class ponies, but it doesn't carry much weight unless we know why high class ponies upset her.

Aaaand, her special ability... is giving ponies she is angry at bad luck? I'm not exactly sure what kind of talent that is or how it could possibly be put to good use. You might want to reconsider the details of her cutie mark and special talent.
Character Critique Thread

Have your OC fairly and honestly evaluated!

Midnight_Breeze

hi! would you mind checking out my OC?
http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=6834.0
I generally help people build their OCs so Im pretty confident my own OC will be good.
I have several ocs...

GlassMirror

 :o Oh! can you do my original character as well? I know you already looked at mine (even though I added some stuff). ovO

Cotton Ball

May I have a second chance I'm redoing mine but its not done yet Please
[move][/move]
Don't be a salad, be the best broccoli you could ever be.

Gracie Sky

I went over your revised story.

I still find it to be incoherent. I can't see students being expelled from school for teasing blank flanks. Many of the names you gave her brothers need some improvement. While I think "Baloney Bob" is a funny name (in a good way), it's not a pony name. She discovered her cutie mark scaring crows away from her mother's garden, although all these facts seem to come out of nowhere. The whole thing in general is hard to follow since the flow is erratic.

You still need to spell check it. I would also suggest explaining things such as the history leading up to scaring crows and getting expelled from school. It makes more sense when we know why the crows had to be scared or why Cherrilee would expel Gold Tiara and Copper Spoon for teasing, but wouldn't do it to Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon, who are equally as guilty of teasing. I realize you're in 4th grade and I should give you a little more slack. At the same time, I don't want to be dishonest in my opinion.
Character Critique Thread

Have your OC fairly and honestly evaluated!

Cotton Ball

2013 Apr 20, 18:41:28 #126 Last Edit: 2013 Apr 20, 18:44:26 by Cotton Ball
My writing is getting bad because in school we took a huge writing test and were not doing writing for the rest of the year so I'm a little rusty
[move][/move]
Don't be a salad, be the best broccoli you could ever be.

GlassMirror

2013 Apr 20, 18:50:19 #127 Last Edit: 2013 Apr 20, 18:51:51 by GlassMirror
Quote from: Cotton Ball on 2013 Apr 20, 18:41:28
Not much to expect from a 4th grader :P And can you say that in terms i understand please


Your story is well made. Yes, you are a 4th grader, I was once a 4th grader writing stories like you, and I took the writing test to, and also now in high school, but the writing test counts more. Your a wonderful 4th grader who is trying to make Flash Dash's story unique, I understand, we all do. But in general, her brothers names still need to be revised just a little, and a cutie mark is something you get when that talent is your passion. I don't think scaring crows could really be something she wants to do all her life. Why not say she wanted to keep the crows away from the garden because she really loved the garden, and wanted to garden as well, getting her cutie mark. This is just a suggestion.

The way I see it, expelling Gold Tiara and Copper Spoon is going a little to far, I mean, they are little kids are they? there going to do that.

Overall, keep up the good work. ^-^ Hope I helped. ^-^

Gracie Sky

I guess I should've been more helpful...

The essence of writing a good story is understanding cause and effect. For every action, there is an opposite and equal reaction. Everything your characters do are a result of history and furthermore cause a chain reaction of future deeds.

For example, if your character scared off crows from a garden, most people want to understand the reasoning behind it. If you do not explain why the character is scaring off crows, readers have to invent reasons in their head. I could think to myself "Wow, she's really mean for scaring off birds like that. Why is she getting a cutie mark for that?". Now, if we knew ahead of time that crows were eating the vegetables beforehand and that this was an ongoing problem for her mother, then we could deduce that the reason she was scaring the crows was because she wanted to protect her mother's garden. But, that's not all, I also ask myself why she decided to use a thundercloud of all things to scare the crows with? Was she not able to scare them with more conventional methods, like scarecrows or by flying at them herself with something like a rake? I would find her methods a little unorthodox unless you explained to me earlier that she was a weather pony and was busy moving a cloud when she noticed the crows and made the choice to use the thundercloud because it was convenient for her at the moment.

The best place to start when bringing up even the most trivial of tasks is to ask yourself why, because your readers are going to want to know why. With the right reasons, you can make your reader believe a lot more of your material.

:c I probably made that too complicated to follow...
Character Critique Thread

Have your OC fairly and honestly evaluated!

ComputerDeathglare

I editted Pyro a bit, so if you'd kindly take another look, I'd be quite happy.

I am going to throw stuff in so it makes more sense, though.


Since I wrote her backstory in first person, which probably wasn't so smart, there are still things she doesn't understand or even want to tell. I did clean it up a bit, mostly making her sound less like a whiny, self-pitying antisocial.

I also added some of her current story, which includes current relationships. She is a roleplay/somewhat ponysona, so her aggressive side does tie into what she and I have done.

Oh, and I added a section for random quirks and other silly things for fun.


I hope I've made her a bit better since initially writing her story out.
By Sulfur

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byndbored

I was thinking of changing the story of my character to this: (rough draft)
When Beyond bored was a young colt an evil being tried to corrupt him but was unable to do so because he was afraid of becoming evil too much to be turned so in an act of rage the being separated him from his life he had before and erased the memory of both him and his family so that he would give up, but for some reason he still wouldn't do so even asking the being to leave him alone the being tried to weaken he's mind more in response but somehow beyond bored resisted angering the being so much that she decided to make his life terrible and filled with fear as revenge but he fought back and finally stopped her and is now stuck trying to live with the life he is now stuck with.

(This is based on a series of nightmares I had when I was a little kid)
Let me know your opinion. ^-^
Said no to being given a Lucario Pokemon X.
My oc board is in my Signature
http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=2268.0

Gracie Sky

2013 Apr 27, 15:31:51 #131 Last Edit: 2013 Apr 27, 15:38:07 by Gracie Sky
Oh, just so you know, I figured I just should address critiques a little more casually, since I've handled the bulk of OCs this forum provides. The content and opinions expressed won't be different, though.

So I took a look at Pyro again. While I don't particularly remember what it used to be, I got the same impression from it that I did last time. Ambiguous. We don't know the circumstance of her brother's death, we don't know the circumstance of him being brought back to life, and I really have a hard time connecting her need to be more mature than normal as the cause to why she is introverted. It seems to be subtely implying that only immature ponies interact with others their age and make friends.

But I see the essence of where you want to take this character, I only question your execution. I realize that the manner in which her brother dies is important and is most likely being saved for later, but the fact that you straightup point out that he died in the very first sentence gives us only a half understanding in which we try to relate to her with. It's like giving us a cherry pie without the cherries. I think you should give us at least a vague description on how he died or just conceal the fact her brother is dead all together until the character herself is ready to make the big reveal.

But... he's not dead, right? He's... I'm assuming he's like in a half coma. You have to bring up the prior "death" or it wouldn't make any sense why he's so withdrawn, right? Not exactly. I see no reason you couldn't just play him at face value and develop him from there as just a pony who is withdrawn without stating why. You would leave it up to his eventual development as to why he ended up that way and, in turn, develop Pryo, since she is already aware of the why and we can suddenly see her in a new light as her introvertedness is justified.

I kind of feel throwing the death at us first thing reduces the potential for development for both characters involved and not bothering to explain it any further than merely stating it happens leaves me unable to resonate with her as well as I'd like.

And... the whole fire bit... I don't know, it's still a stretch. I cannot buy this as it is now. You need to justify this ability with a very convincing reason. I currently have no reason to believe any pony in Equestria in inherently immune to anything deemed hazardous to every other pony. If you absolutely CANNOT tell us yet, then at least tell us that you can't tell us. It's very easy to sell, just say that the character herself is not aware of why she is immune to fire. At least we can be in the dark together until she finds out why she is the way she is. Also, you need to tell us that moment she discovered she was immune to fire. Most ponies don't test out whether harzardous things affect them or not, regardless if they happen to be fond of said hazard. It would be a boon for her development if you spelled out her progression in dealing with fire a little more.

As for the rest of her story... I like how she has an obbsession over wings... the coltfriend lacks any foreshadowing, although I guess that should be expected since you don't bring up anything she did from the time she ran away and the present day... and I can't say I approve of her making death threats. This is the land of love and tolerance, you know.
Character Critique Thread

Have your OC fairly and honestly evaluated!

ComputerDeathglare

Thank you for your input.

Because she went through a lot as a filly caused her to need to be mentally stronger, but she also felt like she needed to be there for her family, even if the opposite may seem truer. She wasn't interested in friends because she had her family... kind of like Twilight, in a way. I should probably add that.

I've been struggling to come up with a good reason for her tolerance to fire myself, but I know for sure I want her to be a pyro pony. And, d'oh, I now realized I forgot how she learned how she was immune to fire, I'll add that, too.

Her coltfriend is my boyfriend's OC, so they didn't meet in rp, and I can't exactly translate that. At least, not without feeling awkward. And on the death threats, she is a very hotheaded pony with little regard for what happens until it bites her in the flank later, but I can't justify that. It simply happened.
By Sulfur

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Gracie Sky

This is a response to byndbored:

I think you're over reaching and it's a little dark for ponies, so to speak. You seem intent on having this evil force that wants to make your character evil as well. You need to realize that if you want to do something like this, it requires a large amount of lead up. There are a lot of unknown variables, such as who The Being is and why he wants to make Beyond Bored evil. Is Beyond Bored special? What does it even mean to make somepony "evil"?

Evil is a very touchy subject to just throw around in Equestria. There aren't just evil beings running around causing trouble where they please. All forms of evil have development to degree and some backstory. This villain you introduced will need some backstory, as well as you protagonist, or none of the events you described will be believable.
Character Critique Thread

Have your OC fairly and honestly evaluated!

ComputerDeathglare

Hay there.


I'm back with a new OC. Okay, not new, but I really went into her backstory. Keep in mind, she is supposed to be a "Your life sucked. Now smile, walk on, and smile to everyone else." character.

http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=7322.msg611788#msg611788
By Sulfur

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Gracie Sky

You certainly do like making characters that have troubled childhoods. From what I see, we have a black sheep in a family of Unicorn supremacists, except only the sisters are the actual supremacists. Some way or another, the parents are clueless about the fact that their older daughters are teasing their younger one. Even if they were aware, it doesn't appear they would know how to deal with it. I almost don't know who to blame for the way Minni deteriorates as the story goes on, her sisters for picking on her, or her parents for being so oblivious.

Um, some things you might want to change. One, ponies don't beat each other up. I've never seen this happen ever in 3 seasons, for good reasons too. Two, ponies don't... die. I've never seen this happen ever in 3 seasons (only obscure implications), for good reasons too. Three, dogs don't eat ponies. Even if they did, such dogs would not be living in Canterlot. If it was not your intention to be accurate according to the show, then disregard this.

Regardless, most of the events leading up to the death of the nurse serve to make Minni more and more depressed. Then things start kinda heading south. She gets (conveniently) saved by this unicorn character named Sparks whom... I just don't see the purpose in. You labeled her as Minni's best friend, but you do kind of need to support that label. So far, being Minni's best friend entails startling some dogs and following her everywhere, even down her life of crime. Other than these two facts, it would help establish Minni's attachment to Sparks if you included at least one more way she was her best friend.

About this dark streak of hers, you give no reason why she decided to start stealing things. The fact that she just recently found a best friend would more likely deter her from going down such a dark road. What puzzles me even more is that the friends actually assists her in the crimes, essentially consenting and promoting such behavior. Worst of all, this part of her story doesn't seem to actually impact her life overall. You merely point out that she and her friend stole things at some point, but I do not see the significance of it since she does not develop for either good or bad because of it.

It would greatly enhance her if you went into a lot more detail about the details of her cutie mark. Gaining a cutie mark is a turning point in most all ponies' lives, like a paradigm shift. Was this the first time Minni actually bothered to try her hoof at drawing? I know it's her destiny, but even so, you don't just pick up a pencil and immediately start drawing really well. I would love to know that moment she discovered that drawing was her life. Even after she discovered it, you don't really go into how she integrates this special talent in her everyday life afterwards.

This last problem I found is one of the more crucial ones: she ran away from parents who loved her. I know they had an awkward way of expressing their love, but did they deserve to be deceived by somepony they loved? And was this the only way to get away from them, to trick them? Did she ever consider that she would hurt her parents if they knew, or wonder if they would miss her? Well... she's not a very honest pony, so I suppose this approach wouldn't be out of the realm of possibility. Actually... such a strong reaction from me probably played right into your hand! This appears to be a loose end to eventually be tied up, a wound to eventually mend! Not bad, not bad.

Other than the logical flaws I pointed out earlier, pretty good OC. I'm not fond of the overly tragic types, but she has a lot of room fro growth and I wish her the best of luck.
Character Critique Thread

Have your OC fairly and honestly evaluated!

ComputerDeathglare

From what I've seen, OC's are have either sad childhoods, good ones, or no backstory. The problem is, is that the first is seen as cliche and maybe even Mary Sue, the second can be seen as overly boring if there are no great spots, which can also be interpreted as Mary Sue, and the final is seen as lazy. I think OC's with slightly darker stories are more interesting, but then again I think my head is too far into the grimdark fics.

I was thinking of bad Babs when I wrote about the bullies. Although she never explicitly beat the CMC up, I do believe she pushed them into mud at some point. I was also thinking a bit more into bullying from my old school, where kids DID get beat up. Also, there in the Perfect Stallion song where they sing "This one's too old!", the stallion is at a funeral. But if you're talking about them falling into deep enough depression to die, I understand. Aand... yeah, I don't really have an excuse for the dogs. Vicious dogs in the worst part of the city?

Sparks and Sketchy were actually just character I drew as a study on MLP anatomy, and eventually decided to give them life. They were drawn together, so I decided they would aid in each others development. I'll make Sparks a page soon, and it'll make Sketchy a bit clearer. I didn't go too much into detail outright because of how much I already wrote. I'm pretty sure there might have been some people intimidated by the size of it.

When she became a teenager, Sketchy also grew her rebellious streak, which was subtle at best when she was a filly. Her parents wanted and expected her to be good. In her already uncertainty of her parent's love, fogged up by teenage angst, she started by snagging small things. Sparks felt guilt for her friend, and followed her hoping she'd see her wrongs. She also covered her up because she would rather die before getting her friend in trouble. when Sketchy finally does see it, she does a one-eighty, becoming what her parents always dreamed.

She does become an artist for a living, I should put more of that in.


Everything will come together in good time. ^-^
By Sulfur

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byndbored

The thing about the story of my oc is that I want it to be like what happens when a dark story gets hilariously interrupted by something really silly, I'm just having trouble with the silly part. (I guess I'll have to redo the story all over again :l, oh well :P)
Said no to being given a Lucario Pokemon X.
My oc board is in my Signature
http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=2268.0

Gracie Sky

If it were me,  I would probably change the general direction of your OC's story. I understand the story is based on a dream, but it stands to be a bit too dark and cynical. If any organization bent on brainwashing ponies are actually out and about asking said ponies to join them, I'm pretty sure Princess Celestia would catch wind of them and put a prompt halt to their operations.

For the most part, you want your OC to have amnesia and have this dark organization after him.

My first piece of advice is to give this group a reason to desire this particular pony above others to the extent that they would pursue him. Also, you need to give his amnesia a reason as well. He doesn't need to be aware of why he can't remember anything, but there needs to be a reason so that he can eventually figure out what happened to him. If you want, you can tie the two together: his amnesia having something to do with why this organization is after him. I recommend this particular path.

Furthermore, for it to make sense, you need to establish backstory; what was happening to your OC before he suffered from amnesia. The part of his memory that got erased could be important enough to this organization that they would go after him, either to silence him or to extract aforementioned information.

Speaking of backstory, you will also need to establish exactly who these Shadow Thunder ponies are and what they are trying to achieve and how other ponies (including Princess Celestia) think about them, if they are even aware they exist.

Once you get these things in line, then we could probably get around to the finer points about his character and projected character development.
Character Critique Thread

Have your OC fairly and honestly evaluated!

GoldenTerrabyte

Rain is revised and less OP. Try him again. And BTW I hate dark backstories.
I'm back

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