Character Critique Thread

[Gracie Sky]

This is a critique of Maple by ping111. No link will be given for this character because the only link I have leads away from this forum.

It seems you have already received professional help on this OC, so it's no surprise that it's in a pretty good state right now.

I might start off by mentioning a few "could-be" flaws that bother me in particular, but aren't really mistakes. First, I find that the name "Maple" is a little short for a name by itself. I feel you should extend the name (ex: Maplean), or add a second name to compliment it (ex: Maple Autumn). Of course, it's purely up to you if you want to change the name. Secondly, you have her too dressed. This is a reoccurring problem with most OCs: ponies in Equestria wearing clothes. Only fashonistas, the Canterlot elite, and cowboys wear clothes on a daily basis. You have a pony that lives in the woods in supposedly their natural state, so I'd expect them to be unclothed more than normal.

Her backstory seems to be pretty well done. I can appreciate parents who prefer to be more in tuned with nature than to live in a city. Their adaption to their lifestyle and to their daughter were fluent enough to believe. Of course... no matter how many times I read it, I still have trouble buying the fact that two well meaninged parents would send their daughter to fast for seven days out in the middle of a forest. You say they are the spiritual type, but what does that even mean for a pony? Is there religion in Equestria? I don't see how starving a child for a week by herself in the woods would give her clairvoyance about her cutie mark. Then again, I'm not her parents, I'm sure they had good reasons.

Good thing it all worked out in the end, she learned that her life's calling was making Maple Syrup. To help her parents pay the rent, she decides to sell Maple Syrup to city ponies. It's kind of weird how they were barely making a living, but never thought to sell Maple Syrup until their daughter rediscovered it... and then they have her go sell it while they continue forging for rudimentary sculptures.

I do like her life in the city, though. It brings to light a lot more of her personality, namely her friendliness and her generosity. She is also constantly learning new things, which is a boon for character development. Of course, she is only learning these things because she previously has been locked out of society by her parents until now. I don't know, her life has been a bit strange until she left the blanket of her parents. Good thing they at least raised her to be a sweet and caring mare.

Oh, last thing. Maple Syrup. Has it really gone this long without being discovered by the general public? And Whitetail Woods tours... she's turning into an entrepreneur, isn't she?

[PrincessParfait]

I'd sure love a critique
http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=2026.msg118982#msg118982

[Gracie Sky]

This is a critique for Lilac Mose by Dasdaq.

Well, there's not much to comment on this character, as all I know about her is that her brother was killed by muggers and she was punished for it and became quite miserable due to that. On the other hand, I have a lot to say about the ethical treatment of one's children and public safety. I'll be brief, though.

I've already commented on it slightly, but it still disturbs me that you would suggest that Equestria and Princess Celestia would allowed this type of character to exist, and I speak of the underlining factors. Even if it's Fillydelphia, the mere whisper of a pony straight out mugging and/or killing another pony (even worse, young ponies still in school) is simply unheard of. However, I will take note that you have not clarified that it was in fact another pony who killed Lilac's brother, you are quite vague on that part. Regardless, you've tread on the dangerous platform of death in Equestria, and for that reason, this character is an extremely tough sell to believe.

It doesn't stop there, though. Somehow her parents find her at fault for the death of her brother, as if she was part of the reason he died. As an act of revenge, they beat her and tear her tail off. This is simply appalling to me and I cannot fathom events like these transpiring in the land of love and toleration. I know it must be terrific for character development, but all you seem to do is make your OCs life as miserable and depressing as possible. It's actually beyond what is possible, from a realistic stand point.

I'd really like to see some high points in her life, if you insist on keeping mugging, murder, revenge, child abuse, and heartbreak in her back story. Something like how she got her cutie mark or what she does to support herself or when she wants to have fun.

... And I really hope whoever killed her brother was found out and put to justice. Nowhere in Equestria should anypony ever dream of being that selfish and cruel.

[Gracie Sky]

This is a critique for Coral Helix by OnyZ.

I'm assuming you want a critique on this character, rather than the one you originally asked for, because you replaced it with Coral Helix.

I see he has a very simple and honest childhood, which I'd like to see more out of OCs, rather than depressing, tragedy-ridden ones. Of course, that all goes south once you stick him in the Everfree Forest for years. Sticking ponies in the Everfree is always a dangerous step to take for an author, due to the inherent danger of the place. They say if a pony goes into the forest, they never return (or at least the ponies that are absolutely new to the forest). But every time a pony goes in for a few years and then comes back out, it sort of takes out of the credibility that the forest is really that dangerous. Now, the only way to avoid that is to make your OC special, possessing a legitimate reason why they, in particular, would be able to survive in such a wretched place.

Your reason seems to be his special talent, the ability to research and understand ecosystems, including that of the Everfree Forest. Now, that does hold a bit of water, but you'll have to consider the following, if you plan to use that reasoning. Most importantly, did he already have his cutie mark when he entered the Everfree, or was it earned while he was in there? You mention he was pretty young at the time, and it seems unlikely that a colt is going to be an expert in the ecosystem of a forest nopony ever comes to, much less to research. Having talent in something does not mean you are skilled at it, which is the nature of refining raw talent. What that leaves me left to believe is he turned from a sheltered pony into the next Robinson Crusoe within the span of a week or so. I could almost believe that, but it would be more convincing if you gave him a few more "survival" credentials before entering the Everfree, such as being at the top of his class in Ponyscouts... hehe, Ponyscouts...

Touching up on the rest of the character, you have a handful of holes to fill with his life after escaping the Everfree. Most importantly, his parents' whereabouts. They must have moved away or for some reason do not live where they used to live several years ago, even though they (I'm hoping) were looking for their son. You don't really provide any details about his search for his parents, only state he kind of misses them. Also, I don't feel that the fact he has been in the wilderness for years makes him socially awkward, unless you're going to try and attempt the same card that was played on Zecora. Even then, he's still a pony and not a Zebra... and even THEN, most ponies in Ponyville quickly warmed up to Zecora. Lastly, his magic shouldn't be as sedated as you say it is. It's hard to believe he didn't use magic at all to help him survive, and considering all that free time he had, he didn't find the time to figure out how to get his magic flowing. Magic is something that develops with age, much like flying for Pegasi. Sure having books that teach you about magic help, but I don't find it to be required. I'd sooner believe he is just not good with magic.

Overall, needs a few touch ups, but it has the potential to shed some light in the dark world of the Everfree Forest.

[GoldenTerrabyte]

Link to my OC page is in sig. Critique Rainstorm(on top)

[Gracie Sky]

This is a critique for Midnight Storm by Stardust Dragon.

I can tell you put a good amount of effort into this OC, based on how much relevant content you put into his description.

From what I can tell initially, you have a pony who is heavily associated with the nighttime part of the day who enjoys identifying constellations. To this extent, he is fluent with flying at night and has taken the job of monitoring the weather at night. I really like how unique an idea like this is amongst weather related ponies. His past flows quite nicely and the manner in which he earned his cutie mark is acceptable. I don't particularly think that teaching yourself to fly at night would make one graduate flight school at the top of your class, but I don't know anything about the curriculum in Cloudsdale to prove otherwise.

One thing I am curious about is what else Midnight Storm does at night. Yes, I know he moves clouds and looks at constellations, but I hardly think that could occupy all his time at night. We all know that even the book worm Twilight Sparkle doesn't spend all her time studying... maybe like 90% of her time studying, though. I only ask because I don't recall Ponyville having much of a night life, so I think it would be in your best interest to consider what there is to do in this unexplored area of Ponyville life. I'm sure there's a lot of flexibility for you here.

Something in your biography I think you could do without is Midnight's relation to the various other ponies in Ponyville. So far, I think only Luna has a valid reason to be a subject of interest for your character. Fluttershy, even though she's my favorite pony, does not belong in his biography, since you basically tell me that he doesn't see much of her. I'm also curious why you would mention Ditzy Doo and more importantly, her relation to Time Turner's fan created role as Doctor Who. I'm sure you are a fan of it, but you realize that this particular part of the character can never bear weight from a canon standpoint. Also, I never really thought of Ditzy as spunky.

And who is Lightning Bolt?

Other than the stuff I mentioned above, I see no additional problems with the OC . It's very well balanced and clean, which I can appreciate.

[Chirp]

If you find the time in your busy schedule, could you critique my adopted pony Liaisa?
http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=6268.0

It's a base and I'll definitely change it some more, but I'd like to know what you think of her so far.

[Gracie Sky]

This is a critique for Wolf Petal by The Silent Wolf.

I'm going to get the bigger issues out of the way first.

-The biggest issue is her retractable claws. If you really want to have her keep them, they will require an explanation. Having a pony with claws is about as awkward as a human with (wolf) claws. I'm positive if anypony saw them, they would be kind of intimidated by them. At the very least, they would more likely than not want to know why or how she has claws, since nopony to date has ever been seen able to brandish retractable claws. It's going to be an oftenly asked question, based on how often she shows them, so you need an answer ready.

-My second issue is that you do not address her cutie mark and her special talent in her bio, which would have been really nice. I have no idea how she got to become so good with animals/painting/music, or even how proficient she is at the aforementioned. This is a very important aspect of her as it basically defines who she is, so having a handful of sentences divulge on the topic would be very insightful.

Other than those to key problems, I would clean up your formatting, as it kind of looks a bit sloppy to me.

Her past in school shows a lot of transformation in her character. She is a drama queen, then she opens up after making some friends, then she hardens up a bit due to bullying. Although the process seems a bit hurried, I always encourage characters to learn and grow throughout their lives. Of course, it seems to me that this character develops exclusively in RPs that she attends. This on top of the fact that she is a ponysona, it's rather difficult for me to tell you how you can improve her. It would be like me telling you how to improve your life or how the RPs she went to could improve... that's really not my place.

Regardless, keep up the good work with her. I'm sure she has a lot more growing to do!

[Stardust Dragon]

Spoiler: show

This is a critique for Midnight Storm by Stardust Dragon.

I can tell you put a good amount of effort into this OC, based on how much relevant content you put into his description.

From what I can tell initially, you have a pony who is heavily associated with the nighttime part of the day who enjoys identifying constellations. To this extent, he is fluent with flying at night and has taken the job of monitoring the weather at night. I really like how unique an idea like this is amongst weather related ponies. His past flows quite nicely and the manner in which he earned his cutie mark is acceptable. I don't particularly think that teaching yourself to fly at night would make one graduate flight school at the top of your class, but I don't know anything about the curriculum in Cloudsdale to prove otherwise.

One thing I am curious about is what else Midnight Storm does at night. Yes, I know he moves clouds and looks at constellations, but I hardly think that could occupy all his time at night. We all know that even the book worm Twilight Sparkle doesn't spend all her time studying... maybe like 90% of her time studying, though. I only ask because I don't recall Ponyville having much of a night life, so I think it would be in your best interest to consider what there is to do in this unexplored area of Ponyville life. I'm sure there's a lot of flexibility for you here.

Something in your biography I think you could do without is Midnight's relation to the various other ponies in Ponyville. So far, I think only Luna has a valid reason to be a subject of interest for your character. Fluttershy, even though she's my favorite pony, does not belong in his biography, since you basically tell me that he doesn't see much of her. I'm also curious why you would mention Ditzy Doo and more importantly, her relation to Time Turner's fan created role as Doctor Who. I'm sure you are a fan of it, but you realize that this particular part of the character can never bear weight from a canon standpoint. Also, I never really thought of Ditzy as spunky.

And who is Lightning Bolt?

Other than the stuff I mentioned above, I see no additional problems with the OC . It's very well balanced and clean, which I can appreciate.

I appreciate the honest critique.  I'll admit I never gave much consideration to what else he did during the night.  It's certainly a valid point I'll address when I have some free time.

As a note, I initially wrote this in regards to my personal favorite characters and fan projects, so I included that he knew some of my favorite characters from the show, but tried to keep it as canon-friendly as possible.  You're right, I am a major fan of Doctor Whooves and Assistant, so I included a reference or two from there when talking about Ditzy.  I kind of forgot to consider other people's opinions and/or canon traits and interactions when I posted the biography for others to view, so that's my fault. 

And in answer to your question, Lightning Bolt is a background pony with no official name: I went off the wiki's "preferred" name for her.  She's the pegasus that flies in and does a quick roll as Twilight steps out of the balloon in the opening, both versions.  I just liked her design, so I included her.  I also used her cutie mark in MS Paint to make Stormy's, so I also owed her for that!

Once again, thanks for taking the time to give this an honest and heartfelt critique, and for not ripping it to shreds like my paranoid mind thought you might.

[Gracie Sky]

This is a critique for Copper Rose by Copper Rose.

I do like what I see in this character. We have an extremely independent pony with a love of making decorations. She actually might be a little too independent for her own good, since she doesn't like receiving orders. On the other hand, I see that stubbornness in her to be a vital character flaw. I can see this flaw being exploitable in order to further develop this character. Ever since Pinkie Pie, I have yet to see much in the way of ponies who are into parties by any means, so I find her talent to be a welcome addition. I'd like to see more detail about how she developed a taste for making party decorations more than it just being a childhood hobby that she eventually became serious about. It's always a good start to describe exactly where and when and why she received her cutie mark.

I did find two things about her that I was uneasy about. The more important of the two are her parents. They wanted her to inherit their hotels and really didn't want to take no for an answer. Of course, Copper Rose wanted nothing to do with hotels, which caused their relationship with each other to take a rather sour turn. Now, it may be true that I cannot stand it when somepony tries to tell you who you should or should not be; it is our job to discover who we are by ourselves, but it really leaves a bad taste in my mouth to see her and her parents leave each other on such bad terms. If you want keep things as you have described them, then I recommend that mending that bridge be one of her top priorities after she can steadily support herself. Even if they were acting selfish, parents only want what is best for their child and family is one of the most important things in life.

The other thing that kind of bothered me is your process by which Copper Rose was trying to raise money to support herself. The whole concept of ponies making a living is an unexplored area of Equestrian life. Yes, most of them have jobs, which we are to assume earn them bits, but I've never seen a homeless or "unemployed" pony before. What I'm trying to point out is that you may be going overboard with her financial history. You go into like two paragraphs explaining her transactions or lack thereof in a world where it is typically safe to assume that everypony is earning enough to support themselves and get the things they need. I'm still trying to figure out who is paying Fluttershy for running an animal shelter which is actually her house.

A really personalized pony, although she still has potential for even more personalization.  Just give the things I brought up some thought and see what changes might be needed.

[super_chris85]

This is a critique for Soul Runner, Thunder Star, and Johnny Pear by super_chris85.

I will note that all your OCs suffer from bad spelling, capitalization, and grammar. It would help if you proofread your work, or had it proofread by somepony else. They all are kinda short too, so there won't be a lot for me to critique. Each pony will be address separately.

Soul Runner has a lot of antagonistic properties, although it seems it was because he was raised poorly. Still, I find his generally bad attitude to be well done. I may not like ponies with that arrogant personality type, but they are still as needed and important as less selfish ponies are. His run in with the Wonderbolts and his desire to ruin them is a bit petty, but I think you are going in the right direction with this if you plan to go further with the idea.

Thunder Star kind of scares me with his... alien eyes. I find his appearance in general to be... definitely not something from Canterlot. You might want to reconsider his design, unless he has a reason to look like that. Because he comes from a rich family, I find it odd that he'd want to break away from that comfort by roughing it out in Ponyville by himself. Was he particularly unsatisfied with his high life? Nonetheless, his most favorable feature is his proficiency with lightning. This is rather unique for Unicorns, as weather is normally more oftenly related to Pegasi. I always enjoy when authors stretch the race boundaries, as long as it can be believed. I can believe a Unicorn summoning lightning.

Johnny Pear is the most ordinary looking of the three here. I enjoy how relaxed he appears to be and his desire to make other ponies happy with his pear selling. Come to think of it, this is the first pony I've seen who sells pears. I would like to see more farming ponies and more fruits and vegetable sellers! However, due to his rather average personality and endeavors, he might not be able to make it past background pony. Also, I am not fond of the name "Johnny" being assigned to a pony, as it is a name more commonly associated with humans.

Overall, some decent quality OCs. Just make sure you work on the presentation, because it doesn't bode well with some readers like myself when we see half-literate OC biographies.

Thank you for this I understand all of these reasons. At first for Star i wasn't really planning on making him an actual OC but i started to think of his story in my head so i thought it was a good idea also i do need to change to say that he didn't really like the upper-class life cuz of the canterlot folk and his Lightning is just a power he can't per say control weather but he also knows a lot of spells. Soul I was planing on using in Rp when i found one he could easily fit like one of the adventure which i'm waiting on a new one. And Pear i only used johnny as his first name because i honestly can't come up with anything better then that.

[Gracie Sky]

This is a critique for Spellsworth by alexandas.

I know he's a work in progress, but I still feel I should bring up the many weird things I thought about him.

In general, I find him too over the top. How does one even get lost at birth? Sounds like a convenient way to make him an orphan. It makes me wonder how a newborn, whom you specifically say grew up alone, managed to support himself during his childhood. Not only did he support himself, he had time to learn magic on the side, and became quite good at it, in fact. However, once he got a job at the library, things appear to start looking up for him. He finds out that he's good at writing, which brings out the greedy side of his supposed best friend. Any friend who would value your fictional stories over your friendship can hardly be called a friend.

The oddities don't end after he leaves Canterlot. This sounds like RPing material here, but he apparently stops a never previously mentioned evil mastermind with his dragon friend and gets a large collection of "forbidden books" in the process. What's more? He discovers his long lost brother hanging out in the mastermind's evil lair that Spellsworth somehow recognized... after 11 years and probably only seeing his brother once at Canterlot Hospital as he was born before becoming lost. It's... a difficult sell for me.

Because he doesn't want these books to fall into the wrong hands he destroys them all decides to hide them in his own personal library that he built in the ever so dangerous Everfree Forest. One day, while trying out a time travelling spell, he bumps into Clouy and they both get sent back in time 5 years. Oh wait, she happens to be an orphan too! Instead of trying to get back to their original timeline, they just stick around, able to predict what is going to happen in the next 5 years and use this information to gamble on Pegasus Races. Of course, time travel is very dangerous, since you run the risk of running into your 5 year younger self or completely realtering the course of history; like if you knew the evil Redfang was going to try taking over Ponyville in a few years, you could just find him beforehand and stop him before he even got started. But wait, if you do that, your 5 years past self would have never found those forbidden books and would have never been able to do that time travel spell! It's always a better idea to avoid time travel, when you can help it.

Those were the major problems, mostly to do with his history. His character I find to be just fine; he'd be a really good pony to know. But his abilities with magic might be a little... too strong, if he has to sleep for 12 hours a day and reads forbidden books the other 12 hours and needs some weird tonic I've never heard of to keep his body functional due to the magnitude of his magic. Not even Twilight Sparkle has that kind of power.

[ArtVeigar]

Could you critique my two OCs (link in signature)? You aready made some comments about Arty in his thread, and I already made some explanations.

Thanks in advance

[alexandas]

This is a critique for Spellsworth by alexandas.

I know he's a work in progress, but I still feel I should bring up the many weird things I thought about him.

In general, I find him too over the top. How does one even get lost at birth? Sounds like a convenient way to make him an orphan. It makes me wonder how a newborn, whom you specifically say grew up alone, managed to support himself during his childhood. Not only did he support himself, he had time to learn magic on the side, and became quite good at it, in fact. However, once he got a job at the library, things appear to start looking up for him. He finds out that he's good at writing, which brings out the greedy side of his supposed best friend. Any friend who would value your fictional stories over your friendship can hardly be called a friend.

The oddities don't end after he leaves Canterlot. This sounds like RPing material here, but he apparently stops a never previously mentioned evil mastermind with his dragon friend and gets a large collection of "forbidden books" in the process. What's more? He discovers his long lost brother hanging out in the mastermind's evil lair that Spellsworth somehow recognized... after 11 years and probably only seeing his brother once at Canterlot Hospital as he was born before becoming lost. It's... a difficult sell for me.

Because he doesn't want these books to fall into the wrong hands he destroys them all decides to hide them in his own personal library that he built in the ever so dangerous Everfree Forest. One day, while trying out a time travelling spell, he bumps into Clouy and they both get sent back in time 5 years. Oh wait, she happens to be an orphan too! Instead of trying to get back to their original timeline, they just stick around, able to predict what is going to happen in the next 5 years and use this information to gamble on Pegasus Races. Of course, time travel is very dangerous, since you run the risk of running into your 5 year younger self or completely realtering the course of history; like if you knew the evil Redfang was going to try taking over Ponyville in a few years, you could just find him beforehand and stop him before he even got started. But wait, if you do that, your 5 years past self would have never found those forbidden books and would have never been able to do that time travel spell! It's always a better idea to avoid time travel, when you can help it.

Those were the major problems, mostly to do with his history. His character I find to be just fine; he'd be a really good pony to know. But his abilities with magic might be a little... too strong, if he has to sleep for 12 hours a day and reads forbidden books the other 12 hours and needs some weird tonic I've never heard of to keep his body functional due to the magnitude of his magic. Not even Twilight Sparkle has that kind of power.

Well here's the first and easiest explanation of things: He's very crazy.
His magic strength has been tried to smooth over and fix a few things.
You've got the history wrong ((unless i forgot to put what is in my very vast mind)) cluoy, for one, bumped into him, he was simply setting time back five DAYS and got the spell messed up, he knew he was nowhere near ponhyville on those times.  And cluoy's not an orphan, well i don't think she is.  Uhh okay shes not an orphan last i checked.  She is somehow old enough to find a job, also the "weird tonic" is simply rat poisoning Amal, which is simply unicorn magic power bottled up.  he is to strong, i've tried to balance him a bit.  Also the story is to random even for me, I might be making spellsworth a lesser character, Shadow, I've found, is much more fun and interesting and less crazy.  But his past is much more difficult.  Eh, anyway thank you for pointing out some thing i need to expand on and perhaps modify.

[Gracie Sky]

This is a critique for Parfait by PrincessParfait.

Heh, you should already know I have nothing but praise for this character. On my list of talented Pony OC makers on this forum (not including myself), you make the second best OCs, so my expectations out of you are much higher. Still, I don't expect you to disappoint.

I can see a lot of hidden potential out of Parfait. Her role as a fairytale hunter(?) leaves enormous amounts of flexibility with the various activities she can do and gives her a very unique approach to life. While when I boil it down, she is just living life and giving it a title, she is at least going out and experiencing things and learning important life lessons. She is an embodiment of the ideals promoted in the show, which is something I can appreciate and wished occurred in more OCs.

Her past is very short yet quaint. She was very close to her father and wanted to complete this fairytale book left by her mother. I'm sure that's all we really need to know about her past, but I implore you to consider telling us more than we need to know. That's up to you, since perhaps the rest of her past is irrelevant to her present day self and would hurt the character to include.

I guess I should address her most prominent feature, and that's the abundant levels of cuteness radiating out of her. You name it, if it has anything to do with being cute, she probably has it. As it has always stood with me, I find this cuteness to be excessively deliberate. I'd say she's this close to Tasting like Diabetes and perfectly fitting in with G3. As far as what I would do about it goes, you have one of two ways to help counterbalance her cuteness without completely destroying what she stands for. To help illustrate my suggestions, I will be using the show's current leader in cuteness, Fluttershy.

-Idea #1-
Show us the other sides of her emotions. Fluttershy isn't always soft spoken or kind hearted. When being nice just doesn't cut it, we see rare footage of parts of Fluttershy that she probably isn't too proud of, but still is a necessary part of her.

-Idea #2-
Use a counterbalancing character. This could be another pony or even a pet whose purpose is to help drag a cute character's cuteness closer down the road of reality (without actually taking out of the cuteness). Angel is a good example, with his mean yet impossible to hate treatment of Fluttershy.

Lastly, I think it would be a boon to her if you could tell us what she does other than adventuring to fill up her story telling book. Even Pinkie Pie isn't just known for partying; she is also known for being random, working at a cake retailer, and pulling pranks on the side. I know adventuring covers a lot of possibilities, but I'm looking for something more specific, such as hobbies and exactly what she does to earn a living (or is being a storyteller good money?). The life of a wanderer is really tough since they don't have the luxury of settling down and finding a stable job.

Overall, a very solid character. Very easy to get along with and any trust you give her would be well placed.

[Gracie Sky]

This is a critique for Rainstorm by Yellowpikmin476.

I'll have to warn you now that since your submission is so small, there won't be a lot for me to critique on. Of course, there are a few things I do want to bring up.

First off, his love of rain I find to be his best feature. The mud on his hooves is also a nice touch, although I can't see mud ever staying on his hooves since he's basically always around rain. His ability to sense and block lightning need more explaining. Are you saying he can predict where lightning will strike? How exactly does one block lightning, anyways? His immunity from getting wet by rain I'm also rather curious about, since everypony else in Equestria gets wet in rain. You so far explain it to the tune of "for some odd reason", which implies nopony knows why he is like that. That'll work for now, I suppose, but I hope you have a legitimate reason that you can provide later on.

One of the oddest things about him is his "element", which you describe as the element of Rain, which is the source of all his "powers". What is this Element of Rain? Is it something like the Elements of Harmony? Or do ponies now have elemental affinities? Regardless, this seems important, so you may wish to bring up some details about these other elements in ponies you are introducing.

Lastly, every other OC you have seems to revolve around Rainstorm in some way or another. Be careful about building too much focus on a singular character, it can be overwhelming for that one character.

[super_chris85]

do you mind doing my other Oc i made her within the last two weeks
http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=6365.0

[Gracie Sky]

Um... Chris... the character you're asking me to critique has about the equivalent of a paragraph describing her. I don't know how much of a critique I could give off of that. Try to add a little more detail about her by the time I get to her. It would be helpful for the both of us.

[PrincessParfait]

Thanks for the compliments and critique.  I'll work on the things you said. I added a frog prince as her pet named pistachio.

[GoldenTerrabyte]

In a word, I'd definitely say he's unfinished. There's definitely more to him.