Jewel Vaunte

[Gracie Sky]

Welp, it's been quite a long time since my last OC! I almost forgot how hard it is to create hair on characters! Feel free to leave any comment, ask any questions, or point out any improvement! I'm pretty sure I didn't get everything I had in my mind during conception of this OC. I probably will be editing it a few more times until I'm happy.


"Could you face away... or just not breathe so hard? I don't want to get my mane damaged."


Meet Jewel Vaunte, an Earth Pony mare who is well known for her performances at the Equestria Pony Show.

The Perfect Strider
Jewel Vaunte has been raised and continuously trained to participate in the Equestria Pony Show since the beginning of her upbringing. It is an annual competition held in Manehatten where the most elegant of ponies from around Equestria face off for the coveted Perfect Pony Trophy. They are judged and scored based on their visual appeal, posture, and ability to complete a series of progressively more difficult hurdles. Her strongest subject within the competition has always been her trot, placing 1st every year in that category. They call her "The Perfect Strider", a title she seems indifferent about.

Trophy Daughter
As the daughter of the boastful high class socialite, Vintage Vaunte, Jewel has lived a very pampered and sheltered life. However, she has little freedom and her father takes credit for all her accomplishments. As a result, she has become compulsively obedient, but unable to operate without instruction. As her entire life revolves around the Pony Show, she is constantly worrying about her self image and how others perceive her, as expressed by that perpetual expression of anxiety she wears on her face. She also has become slightly paranoid about anything that could possibly tarnish her "perfect" appearance, such as rain, physical contact, and cracks in the sidewalk.

Her Brothers
While her interactions with her father are strictly in preperation for the next year's Pony Show, she has two brothers who give her the affection she sorely lacked otherwise. She has developed a strong attatchment to her brothers which borderlines dependancy on them for mental stability. Recently, though, her brothers enlisted in the Royal Guard branch in Manehatten and were taken away for training. How would poor Jewel react?

Her Role
Jewel Vaunte participates in an isolated sub-story which will make an appearance in the Honest to Goodness timeline, most likely duing Pinkie Pie's story arc, since she visits Jewel's hometown of Manehatten. Desperate for somepony to give her personal attention, Jewel ran away from her father and is wandering the streets of Manehatten aimlessly with the intent of reuniting with her brothers. She will have to discover who she really is after some trials and tribulations, with the aid of (most likely) Pinkie Pie.

[Luminescence]

Hmm... there is quite a bit that can be said for this character. As you put each section in subheadings, I will address each of them individually, (with the exception of Her Role) and then as a whole.

The Perfect Strider
This section seems to be what most characters would label as a goal section, but there is a distinct difference here. The words used here do not give a connotation of joy or want, only a goal. It creates a very shallow and sad idea, which is complemented by the look in her eye, congrats.

Trophy Daughter
No. Just Ugh. No. You've seen some of the best and worst OC's Gracie, and yet this? It reads in just a poor fashion. She has an overbearing father who, in most instances I would say "is trying to live through his daughter" but not exactly, is trying to attach goals he ideas of success into his children. When this happens in the real world, one of two things happen: the child rebels against everything the parent stands for, or (as is this case) the child conforms, and loses all sense of self, to become the tool to the parents end. However, in this OC, like most OC's do, the reaction is overblown. The character life becomes the endeavor, to the exclusion of all else. While this is shown quite remarkably, it removes a major development point of a character, personality. Therefore, I can't say this would turn out well.

Her Brothers
There is a very simple word for this condition. Dependency. You even mentioned it in the information, and how it borderlines the condition. However, how it was presented is that these are the only ponies she can be real to. Now, you haven't exactly shown, or told, us what the real her is like, but I assume not this. There is, however, another piece that this part addressees. The brothers are leaving. In real life, this is called a Trigger. "What for?" You may ask. "A Psychotic Break, given the conditions of the individual." I would reply. Also, you asked a question of the readers hear. How would poor Jewel react? Please never, ever do that. Every time I see that, and questions like that, the immediate response I have is "I don't know. I didn't make them, don't ask me!" While the point in asking the question is clear, wanting to draw attention to a potential threat to her precarious hold on ( her idea of ) normal life, it could be done implicitly.

On the Whole
This character is a emotional jumble of Daddy Issues. Normally, this just creates excess drama, but as you stated it in Her Role, that it is addressed, I will relent. Creating a character with a one-track-mind is rather easy, but difficult to use. This character can be handled well, or poorly, like a person with this could be good or bad. It all depends upon how you play her. Well done, and good luck


Sincerely,
Luminescence

[Gracie Sky]

Ah, well, thank you for the feedback! I must admit I was a bit caught off guard that this character could be precieved in this sort of light. Unfortunately, I don't think I can change anything about the character to improve her based on the comments you provided.

Jewel is less of a character and more of a medium of a conflict she will burden on the protagonist she interacts with. I made the conflict first, then conformed the character around it. She will not last past the initial development past overcoming this conflict with her father and brothers, and she is not intended to do so. She is a supporting character designed to last 22 minutes to help the protagonist learn something. Her conflict must remain intact for this to happen... and I thought I did a good job creating an interesting character with that conflict.

You do a good job of explaining the natural reaction of the enviornment Jewel is being raised in, but that was all deliberate. It sounds like you don't agree with the way she is being raised, rather than with the character herself, since she is merely the logical result of being raised as a trophy daughter. That would be an issue with her father, and I plan on him staying the way he is to keep the conflict intact.

I'd also like to point out something I think might be misconcieved, although I only subtlely imply it. Jewel's goals in life have nothing to do with the show, she is only there because her father makes her go. She's far more interested in spending time with her brothers.

On a more general note, I evaluate characters based on potential and how believeable they are within their universe. Jewel has immediate potential since she has such a glaringly obvious conflict in her life, although once that conflict is resolved, she'll probably be stuck on cameo duty. And I believe a pony like this could exist in Equestria. A selfish father who loves his popularity more than his children. I unfortunately don't know where any improvements can be made without jeopardizing the original conflict I wanted the character to impose on the protagonist she interacts with.

[Luminescence]

Oh no doubt, I believe that a pony like this could most defiantly exist! Don't get me wrong, the character is good. Matter of fact, it is an excellent character, for a purpose. While I did find many of the potential pitfalls, they would mainly only come into play if it was used repeatedly.

As you said, that she is more a medium than a character, it becomes apparent the reasons for the back story. If she remained afterward for larger parts of the time, her personality could become a bit wearing, but that wouldn't be the case. Since you clarified that she was to be utilized more than used, it makes much more sense why her personality is so two dimensional.

As for the explanation of the reactions, I did that as a knee-jerk reaction, and I apologize. Generally, if a character has a back story similar to this, it is used as a validation of the characters action, and not a plot device in and of itself. I am sorry about that, it was to cover potential problems. And, yes. I do not agree with the way she was raised, but as it is a plot hook, it is delightful!

I do agree that evaluation of potential is important, and that is what I reported for. However, where I saw a character with problems for staying power, you made a character that didn't need staying power.

With that in mind, it performs admirably for its goal.

[EliteAspect]

I like it.