Character Critique Thread

[Gracie Sky]

This critique is for Nightshade by BlackVortex.

One look at this pony's name and I can tell she's probably going to have some sort of talent regarding the night or darkness.

Her history is a little scary to me. Having an ear bitten off by a hydra, running away from school, and being a troublemaker. The encounter with the Hydra scares me the most, though, because Hydras are always bad news to ponies. I don't really know whether or not I would approve of giving a pony a scar, due to how traumatic this would be. Of course, it's your character and it's not completely out of the ordinary for ponies to get attacked by Hydras, especially if said ponies are being particularly foolish with wandering out in Hydra areas.

Nonetheless, it seems this fiasco was quite troublesome long after it happened. It seems to have turned her into a sort of rebel. Every time I read about a pony who spends a long time being alone, it makes me a bit sad, since there's so much friendship in Equestria looking for her. Then again, maybe it's not her time to discover friendship. It took Twilight quite a while to find it, after all.

Now, one thing I do like about this character is her ability to foresee the future through the stars. That's definitely something you should focus more on, since the night sky is infinite, and so are the possibilities with this talent. I'm not sure what the marking on her shoulder means, but I'll leave that to you to surprise me with when the time comes.

[BlackVortex]

This critique is for Nightshade by BlackVortex.

One look at this pony's name and I can tell she's probably going to have some sort of talent regarding the night or darkness.

Her history is a little scary to me. Having an ear bitten off by a hydra, running away from school, and being a troublemaker. The encounter with the Hydra scares me the most, though, because Hydras are always bad news to ponies. I don't really know whether or not I would approve of giving a pony a scar, due to how traumatic this would be. Of course, it's your character and it's not completely out of the ordinary for ponies to get attacked by Hydras, especially if said ponies are being particularly foolish with wandering out in Hydra areas.

Nonetheless, it seems this fiasco was quite troublesome long after it happened. It seems to have turned her into a sort of rebel. Every time I read about a pony who spends a long time being alone, it makes me a bit sad, since there's so much friendship in Equestria looking for her. Then again, maybe it's not her time to discover friendship. It took Twilight quite a while to find it, after all.

Now, one thing I do like about this character is her ability to foresee the future through the stars. That's definitely something you should focus more on, since the night sky is infinite, and so are the possibilities with this talent. I'm not sure what the marking on her shoulder means, but I'll leave that to you to surprise me with when the time comes.

Thanks! Now I must Wright why these things are like that....

1. She was a rebel because she hated boarding school... and only that. Her personality was inspired by the song "Junk-yard society"
2. Who says she has no friends? She's more like... just street-smart and thinking others are kinda dumb. (Think Marina's personality there)
3. Yes, I know... but she dose't even know that's her talent.  It's more like a fate.... *Insert Wolves Of the Beyond Reference here* She only knows that star-gazing is her talent, but she gets strange "Visions" after. 

[Gracie Sky]

This critique is for Feather Scroll and Juniper Blossom by The Wandering Magus.

I will be addressing these two characters separately, then as a pair.

Before that, though, a few things about the presentation bother me. First off, your format is bold, but risky. It looks awkward and messy when my window is not maximized; I'm not entirely sure if I recommend using such a format. Secondly, the amount of explanation you do with the relationships between your characters and the unnamed mane 6 I find unnecessary. You take up half of the bio explaining what interactions they've had with the mane 6 and I find it... somewhat irrelevant. Of course, if these interactions are actually important to the character's history, then disregard this part. Thirdly, I don't particularly agree with keeping the mane 6 unnamed. I understand why you're doing it, but remember there's no rule forbidding the use of canon characters in your story. I think it loses impact when you.. uh... anonymize them.

Feather Scroll is a very stable and predictable pony. Such ponies have difficulty standing as a strong central character since they tend to have no outstanding qualities and can become stale/boring without another pony forcing them out of their comfort range. On the other hand, if you can introduce that element of drama, we'll be able to get a glimpse of what Feather Scroll is really made out of. I still don't truly understand what magitronics and spell matrices are, even though you did somewhat explain it to me last time I asked. I think it would be in your best interest to at least give the reader "Magitronics 101" and how it relates to the other fields Feather Scroll is fluent in. If you don't, be prepared to have to explain it every time somepony asks about it.

I think he would also do much better if he had a quirk, a concept tied specifically to him that is emphasized. Don't think you have to invent one, though, you can use something that is already a natural part of him, except emphasized. For Feather Scroll as an example, I think he would benefit from having a "Science Mode", where the mere mention of science or something scientific gets him uncharacteristically excited. In such a mode, he would use scientific talk and be very assertive, yet cooperative; just in a plain old good mood. If you could get readers to think "Feather Scroll" when it involves "SCIENCE!", he'll be a far more distinguished character.

Juniper Blossom sticks out much more as a character, due to her more charismatic attitude and her economic prowess. Ponies just seem to gravitate towards those with confidence. I don't have nearly as much to comment on with her, but there's one thing I think I should bring up. I just don't know enough about her. She is a woodspony and farmer, runs a shop with strict prices, and likes to socialize. Everything else about her is but a more specific example of the aforementioned traits. I don't want to say what you've provided about her is insufficient, it just for some reason bothers me that all I really know about her are most likely things I could deduce after watching her for 10 minutes at her work. Maybe she needs a quirk... I can't really tell what the problem seems to be. Something's just... missing.

The two characters together compliment each other well. Feather Scroll's analytical, yet timid demeanor balances out Juniper Blossom's assertive, yet stubborn personality. Although when I compare the two, it makes me wonder what Juniper Blossom sees in Feather Scroll. In fact... what's a bookworm like Feather Scroll doing at a Festival? I have trouble seeing a shy pony like Feather Scroll actually going to a public social event and not hiding in a corner. I think it would be a sound idea to further explain that fateful meeting, unless you have reason not to.

Edit: Oh, I forget. Juniper Blossom is dying to have an actual blossom in her hair. Just thought I'd mention that, I think it would go great on her. She needs an accessory, anyways, since you gave glasses to accent Feather Scroll.

[Stitchin Time]

Okay, feel free to critique Skyler now.

[The Wandering Magus]

Thank you very much for your review

format: sorry It was the one that looked the least cluttered when I looked at how others did their pages, but I know it might not look too great when on smaller screens, might swap it around a bit.
mane 6: it was sort of for back when others were doing all sorts of mane six rps and such, but I guess the stories are optional.

magitronics: i'll probably do just that I'd been procrastinating on it
quirk: I generally have him start talking normally and almost unconsciously go into technobabble, all in size-8 font; I might mention that

juniper: I don't really know what else to add i'll try to expand her backstory though!

strange pair: i suppose I might try to expand that part too.

Thanks for the critique!  I had been sort of developing their quirks and backstories through roleplay rather than just making something fixed, but I think I'm starting to develop a fuller backstory for the two of them than I started with.  Feather's not as much as a doormat as he used to be portrayed as, and Juniper's definitely not the same old wood-seller she used to be.  I'll see if I can turn my roleplay stories into proper backstories.  Thank you very much again!

Edit: I updated the OC biographies and added a section on magitronics.  Again, thanks for the critique!

[Gracie Sky]

This critique is for Rad Thunder by Rad Thunder.

This character is on the edge of interesting, in an odd way. Nonetheless, he gives me the anti-hero of Equestria vibe. That, of course, depends on how important this character will be as you develop him.

Alright, I never was a fan of overdressing a pony, so I can't really fairly comment on the jacket and glasses. His competitive personality is good to have, since it's common for Pegasi to be natural show offs. It might be a little redundant, but that's easy to avoid by giving him a unique twist to separate him from his peers.

Now the details around his cutie mark I have trouble with. What exactly is it? What does it make his special talent? Doing dangerous things? He apparently got it by getting hit by a lightning bolt that blinded him, and the only reason he managed was because he conveniently has sunglasses on him that survived the lightning bolt strike. Of course, it doesn't really matter if it makes logical sense, I'm just saying that's the impression I get.

Well, there's a lot about this pony I don't know about, so I shalln't elaborate on him until you provide a more extensive submission. It probably include more detail on the meaning and acquisition of his cutie mark, quirks about his behavior, preferences, you know, just things that will allow readers to relate more to him.

[Gracie Sky]

This critique is for Skyler by Stitchin Time.

This is probably one of the most radically different ponies and back stories I have seen.  It seems like you've created a universe completely separate from that of Equestria, but for some reason, incorporated it on the Equestrian timeline. I only say that because of how tall a tale the concept is.

I know I addressed a few of these things the last time, but I still feel the same way about them reading about Skyler now. Being able to transform into an Alicorn or demon, making crystals into deadly weapons, growing a soul, a butterfly scar. I realize Discord has his paws/hooves in this and if anyone could make it happen, he could. But even on that front, it seems out of character for Discord. I could go on a while trying to prove Discord would not create 2 pony spies that have the power to grow souls and then curse them with eternal life, but I'm hoping you can see how far of a reach that is.

I question how she could be in existence this long without some sort of plan from either her or the princesses about how to deal with her condition. I get the feeling she just existed in a sort of isolated cage, with nopony else to talk to for 25,000 years. It's hard for me to imagine otherwise considering how she is just now making friends again in Ponyville.

Now... I'd like to know what these "Elements of Life" are. I'm assuming they are some form of power reminiscent to that of the Elements of Harmony. I think all your ideas in general have some potential to them, and I'd like to give you some advice to improve these ideas and make them more viable in terms of what is considered normal by Equestrian standards. However, I'd first like to know what your objective with this character is. Don't get discouraged by this review, it's a nice OC, but just not when using Equestrian logic.

[The Wandering Magus]

Do you do re-reviews?  I kind of overhauled my OC page and added a bunch of stuff

[Little Star]

Pleaseee
\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/

[Gracie Sky]

I will re-review an OC if I deem there enough change/improvement to warrant additional comments. To that extent, I will only address the new material and how the OC in general may have improved over its old incarnation.

And StarSong, I've glanced at your OC and I would recommend you give more information on them, I have nothing to really critique, maybe save for her personality and appearance. If I were to review it now, it would be a very short review.

[The Wandering Magus]

I will re-review an OC if I deem there enough change/improvement to warrant additional comments. To that extent, I will only address the new material and how the OC in general may have improved over its old incarnation.

And StarSong, I've glanced at your OC and I would recommend you give more information on them, I have nothing to really critique, maybe save for her personality and appearance. If I were to review it now, it would be a very short review.

Then if it would not be too much trouble, I'd like to re-submit Feather and Juniper's biographies and the explanation on magitronics at the bottom of the page

[Stitchin Time]

Now replying, because I was too lazy to do it earlier.

Skyler was originally created for a fanfic which I never finished. She was created before G4, and therefore did not originate in Equestria nor was Discord's creation, so I shall change her back to that while still maintaining bonds with Luna.

On the topic of her loneliness, she once had friends, but grew numb to friendship after so many of her loved ones grew old and died, while she could only sit and watch. She became a shell, and Luna tried her hardest to re-insert her into pony-life, but Skyler resisted. She quickly grew bored, but wasn't ready for friendship, so she set out with her sister to find out earth's secrets. She found the Elements of Life, which I am still developing, and decided she might try to find ponies who would fill the Elements. Although she made friendships, Skyler could never find anypony, but the urge to find the other Elements drove her. She lost her mind when Luna was banished, and lost faith in most everything for quite a while. She realized that Luna wouldn't want her to stop, and continued on. She moved to Ponyville shortly before Luna returned, and actually made true friends. The shock of Luna coming back as Nightmare Moon scared her, but her true friends didn't leave her side, and were unfazed by her story. They were the Elements of Life Skyler had dedicated her life to find, and they are slowly helping her recover from everything.

[Nala Valor]

Could you be kind and review my newest OC? 
The link's down below in the sig.

[Gracie Sky]

This critique is for Feather Scroll and Juniper Blossom by The Wandering Magus.
This is the second.

I will say the improvement is obvious. You placed a lot more emphasis on establishing Feather Scroll's educational background as well as his preferences growing up, which nicely set up how he is in the present day. It looks like he's not as much of a loner as I once imagined, so you did well making that clearer. It all comes together why he would ever get the opportunity to meet Juniper Blossom.

Speaking of Juniper Blossom... she feels the same from the last time I read her. I know it's longer, but it brings to light nothing new, persay. Then again, I don't recall having any quarrels with her design the last time I reviewed her either. It looks like you went into more detail with her family more than anything and their role in her life. Most of it I half figured out, although it doesn't hurt to explain it anyways.

It looks like you've reached the point in these characters' development where any more development doesn't belong in a introductory topic. I'm quite happy with what I see so far, though. I do want to know more about them, but that would be up to me to learn more about them first-hand.

As for the Magic stuff. Nopony is going to read what your wrote about it unless they were attending your magic class. It's too long and technical sounding and at the same time, seemingly irrelevant to the everyday pony. That doesn't mean what you have is bad, but it has that influence that makes the reader think to themselves "tl;dr". Of course, that only applies to anypony who actually finds your explanation, since it's quite out of the way. I don't even know how I noticed it.

Juniper Blossom still needs a blossom in her hair. Just saying.

[The Wandering Magus]

thank you very much!

I'm glad Feather's an improvement I still don't quite know what to add for Juniper, but I suppose I've done what I could

Glad to hear you're happy with it

Ponies keep asking, so there it is.  I'll probably give a tl;dr version at the top for those whose eyes glaze over at technical details

yeah I guess   Might draw that in sometime

thank you again for the review!

[Stitchin Time]

Much, much redo on Skyler's bio, if you'd like to re-review. Sorry for the part with the hellhound just flying by, if I went as in-depth as I'd liked, it'd be a full-blown fanfic.

http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=4220.msg317025#msg317025

[Gracie Sky]

This is a critique for Cold Sprinkle by Nala Valor.

Hmm, this character is unique in several ways.

There are many ponies who live in orphanages, but this is the first time I've seen one that actually lives there with his/her parents, who run it. And I could see how running an orphanage would occupy her parents to the point where they have trouble spending time with her for the other children. It's quite a predicament. I must say this is one of the best uses for an orphanage I've seen to date.

I really do enjoy ice skating ponies, although I think your approach to it is a little awkward. There are ice skates in Equestria, you know? It doesn't seem likely that she would carve knives and stick them on her hooves and accidentally walk on ice. I would suggest another approach for her cutie mark discovery.

She seems to be an okay character. I think there needs to be more explanation on her personality. Her cutie mark needs a bit of revision, as well. I like the scarf, by the way.

[Nala Valor]

This is a critique for Cold Sprinkle by Nala Valor.

Hmm, this character is unique in several ways.

There are many ponies who live in orphanages, but this is the first time I've seen one that actually lives there with his/her parents, who run it. And I could see how running an orphanage would occupy her parents to the point where they have trouble spending time with her for the other children. It's quite a predicament. I must say this is one of the best uses for an orphanage I've seen to date.

I really do enjoy ice skating ponies, although I think your approach to it is a little awkward. There are ice skates in Equestria, you know? It doesn't seem likely that she would carve knives and stick them on her hooves and accidentally walk on ice. I would suggest another approach for her cutie mark discovery.

She seems to be an okay character. I think there needs to be more explanation on her personality. Her cutie mark needs a bit of revision, as well. I like the scarf, by the way.

thank for the review. and now that you mention it... It is kinda awkard the thing about her cutie mark... I'll try to find something else.

[Lunar Eclipse]

Hi, I know you addressed my first OC, but I think I'm doing a lot better now. Less dismal and more real, I think.
http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=4523.msg353487#msg353487
Thank you, by the way for putting this up. It really makes us (well, at least me) feel good to know someone at looked at our stuff with the will to make us better. Thanks! 

[Gracie Sky]

This is a critique for Skyler by Stitchin Time.
This is the second.

I will first address my opinion on the race of Shadowlurkers Skyler is a part of.

They seem very close to Changelings, in the fact that they can change forms, but they appear to differ based on the fact that they don't mimic their targets and their shafeshifting seems limited to other types of ponies... and demons... I'm still not sure what a demon would be in Equestria. I suppose I should ask you for a few details about this whole shapeshifting business to clear up possible confusion.

-Why would they want to change forms?
-Do they inherit magic/flying when they turn into Alicorns? Demon powers?
-If so, why would they NOT want to always stay in the form of an Alicorn/Demon?
-Is there some sort of restriction?

As for their memories and rebirth process, I get the feeling they are a cursed species and they weren't originally capable of reincarnation as well as all the memories of past lives. An inherent issue with creatures that never die is the fact that... they never die. Their population never drops, it only goes up. Do they even reproduce? If not, where do they come from?

Alright, now I'll address Skyler herself as a character.

First off, I'm not too keen on the idea that her sister was a brat, got reprimanded for it, and then ran away because of it... and then somehow the Shadowlukers blame Skyler on it. You need to provide a good reason why they would find fault in Skyler for the attitude of her sister. Is Skyler responsible for her sister's actions in someway?

I also find the sword in the lake a bit random. It needs a bit of backstory, I think, or at least a sentence explaining it's importance. Failing to do so brings up a few questions.

-Why is this weapon the preferred tool to attack a Hellhound with? Charlotte did go out of her way to fetch it, after all.
-How did they even know it was there?
-Why did noshadowluker else decide to use it?

There's also a bit more... violence with this story than I think belongs in an Equestria environment. Maybe it would make a good fairy tale in Equestrian lore.

And... yeah... still don't know where the Elements of Life came from or whether they have something in common with the Elements of Harmony. You'd do well to explain what they are somewhere in that bio.