Character Critique Thread

Started by Gracie Sky, 2012 Sep 02, 01:43:33

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Gracie Sky

This is a critique for Lord Fancy Pants (the First), Hackberry Blossom, and Willow Amber Blossom by The Wandering Magus.

At first, I was curious why you would not put as much effort into these characters, but now I can see why. They are 4 generations behind a Mary Sue GM character and Juniper Blossom respectively. On the other hand, I'm not quite sure why you deemed it worthy to bring up these characters of old and make a bio on them, but I'm sure you have a good reason.

Lord Fancy Pants is about 50% stereotypical. Half of your description of him matches my assumptions about him from reading his name. You do have a habit of making half predictable ponies, although that's not particularly a bad thing. Now what I'm wondering about is his supposed destiny of carrying on the Pants name and family line. Isn't it the job of everypony to try and carry on their particular family line or try to lead it to greatness? Although I suppose him specializing in this aspect of life is not too far out there. I also questioned nobles becoming part of the Royal Guard. I don't doubt his ability to fight, but... I just look at the likes of Filthy Rich and think to myself, "Rich ponies are too afraid of breaking a hoof to get involved in fighting." I'm sure that's not the case with Lord Fancy Pants, but be aware that such a view of rich ponies is there. Lastly, I'm rather intrigued by his task of looking for new lands, as some sort of pony Christopher Columbus! Or was he one of the ponies we'd see in the Hearth's Warming Eve play, considering how long ago this was?

I'm going to be combining the other two, since they are engaged and are basically telling the same story from a different point of view. I don't see much to comment on, though. They both came from what I'm guessing to be a old-fashioned self-sufficient family line, can convert bits into the product of their trade, and married each other for reasons unknown. After that, they went on exploring because the Princesses invited them to... which I'm rather curious about. The only thing I found interesting about them is the concept of combining berries with herblism. That could produce some strange results that I can only imagine.
Character Critique Thread

Have your OC fairly and honestly evaluated!


hyliawisdom

http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=5833.0

Could you please review her? I would like to get an opinion, sorry that there's no picture yet.
What am I?! Am I a Brony or a Pegasister? I'm so confused!

The Wandering Magus

Quote from: Gracie Sky on 2012 Dec 03, 17:57:53
This is a critique for Lord Fancy Pants (the First), Hackberry Blossom, and Willow Amber Blossom by The Wandering Magus.

At first, I was curious why you would not put as much effort into these characters, but now I can see why. They are 4 generations behind a Mary Sue GM character and Juniper Blossom respectively. On the other hand, I'm not quite sure why you deemed it worthy to bring up these characters of old and make a bio on them, but I'm sure you have a good reason.

Lord Fancy Pants is about 50% stereotypical. Half of your description of him matches my assumptions about him from reading his name. You do have a habit of making half predictable ponies, although that's not particularly a bad thing. Now what I'm wondering about is his supposed destiny of carrying on the Pants name and family line. Isn't it the job of everypony to try and carry on their particular family line or try to lead it to greatness? Although I suppose him specializing in this aspect of life is not too far out there. I also questioned nobles becoming part of the Royal Guard. I don't doubt his ability to fight, but... I just look at the likes of Filthy Rich and think to myself, "Rich ponies are too afraid of breaking a hoof to get involved in fighting." I'm sure that's not the case with Lord Fancy Pants, but be aware that such a view of rich ponies is there. Lastly, I'm rather intrigued by his task of looking for new lands, as some sort of pony Christopher Columbus! Or was he one of the ponies we'd see in the Hearth's Warming Eve play, considering how long ago this was?

I'm going to be combining the other two, since they are engaged and are basically telling the same story from a different point of view. I don't see much to comment on, though. They both came from what I'm guessing to be a old-fashioned self-sufficient family line, can convert bits into the product of their trade, and married each other for reasons unknown. After that, they went on exploring because the Princesses invited them to... which I'm rather curious about. The only thing I found interesting about them is the concept of combining berries with herblism. That could produce some strange results that I can only imagine.
Thank you very much for the critique!  The characters were for Starsong's "Adventure Across Equestria" Roleplay set before Luna's fall, so I needed some "ancient" characters, and somewhat wished to have a few that were at least tangentially related to my main OCs.

I based his choice to enter the military on the tradition of Renaissance and 1800's aristocrats and nobles having at least a nominal military rank and training.

We shall see how the adventure develops, as I am crafting his story as realistically as possible, as I go along :)

I shall attempt to continue expanding their biographies and backstories as I do some research into the ways of life of individuals in the "theme" time period :)  Again, thank you for the review! ^-^
(sorry Bakasan, chose this image)
Descriptions and art of my OCs here: http://legendsofequestria.com/forum/index.php?topic=2636
my art: http://legendsofequestria.com/forum/index.php?topic=298
visiting soldier sister, be back 8/12/2013

Gracie Sky

This is a Critique for Quick Draw by Link.

I'm a little intimidated by this pony, but I find a few consistency problems with him.

First off, most of his in life decisions I find to contradict your claim that he is unnaturally wise for his age. If being wise leads one to believe that it is smart to "do unto others before others do unto you", I question his wisdom. And if he is the sort to cheat off of others and lie habitually when it suits him, I also question how academically smart he is as well. You say his parents led him down a road of good morals, which leads me to believe he picked up these... rather deceitful qualities from those who bullied him.

The manner in which he acquired his crippling injury is a bit... ugly for Equestria. It makes me kind of cringe just reading about chemicals on open wounds. I'm guessing the whole incident is a plot device to make it where Quick Draw has to use his magic to move around rather than his feet. I'm not even considering how ponies can survive wardrobes being dropped on them (for comical purposes, of course), and come out with but a scratch or a prop cast. I just have difficulty seeing permanent damage on a pony. You might want to give the scenario a second thought.

Of course, as a whole, he is a decent character. I think what would improve him is putting him in context with your other character, if the two have anything to do with each other. The way I see it, he is an example of the kind of pony I would not what somepony to become. Having said that, due to this nature, he has the capacity to change for the better. This sort of potential to his development adds a nice layer of substance to this character. I think to myself "I hope somepony helps him" and by somepony, I would assume it's another one of your OCs, which is why I suggested putting the two in context with each other.

Overall, keep in mind the points I brought up and he should turn out fine.
Character Critique Thread

Have your OC fairly and honestly evaluated!

ping111

Perhaps you'd like my OC, Maple]?  Please let me know what you think!  Thanks!

Link

Quote from: Gracie Sky on 2012 Dec 06, 21:06:32
This is a Critique for Quick Draw by Link.

I'm a little intimidated by this pony, but I find a few consistency problems with him.

First off, most of his in life decisions I find to contradict your claim that he is unnaturally wise for his age. If being wise leads one to believe that it is smart to "do unto others before others do unto you", I question his wisdom. And if he is the sort to cheat off of others and lie habitually when it suits him, I also question how academically smart he is as well. You say his parents led him down a road of good morals, which leads me to believe he picked up these... rather deceitful qualities from those who bullied him.

The manner in which he acquired his crippling injury is a bit... ugly for Equestria. It makes me kind of cringe just reading about chemicals on open wounds. I'm guessing the whole incident is a plot device to make it where Quick Draw has to use his magic to move around rather than his feet. I'm not even considering how ponies can survive wardrobes being dropped on them (for comical purposes, of course), and come out with but a scratch or a prop cast. I just have difficulty seeing permanent damage on a pony. You might want to give the scenario a second thought.

Of course, as a whole, he is a decent character. I think what would improve him is putting him in context with your other character, if the two have anything to do with each other. The way I see it, he is an example of the kind of pony I would not what somepony to become. Having said that, due to this nature, he has the capacity to change for the better. This sort of potential to his development adds a nice layer of substance to this character. I think to myself "I hope somepony helps him" and by somepony, I would assume it's another one of your OCs, which is why I suggested putting the two in context with each other.

Overall, keep in mind the points I brought up and he should turn out fine.


Thank you very much for your critique Gracie. You brought up a lot of good points which slipped my mind; if you happen to have any suggestions for an alternative to the cause of his leg injury, please let me know.
I'm also glad for the impression you got from him, I plan to develop this in a future RP.  ^-^
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Gracie Sky

This is a critique for Violet Light by ShadowHeart.

I was just wondering if you were aware of the fandubbed "Japony", which serves as the current Japan of the ponyworld.

Now as a foreign advisory and member of a royal family, I would expect her to be accompanied by supervisors or guardians or somepony to keep her safe and keep her in line. You specifically say she doesn't require an escort to go outside, but I don't see a country sending a foreign advisory without some sort of precautionary protection (even if it is the land of love and toleration). I recommend one just for the potential and the ease of bridging the cultural gaps. For example, if she is enjoying her freedom too much, I could imagine her chaperon could be trying in vain to get her to act more civilized like a frustrated babysitter. Also, perhaps her attendant could have some knowledge of both cultures and help explain differences between the two societies' traditions and behavioral tendencies.

You mention she gets occasionally drunk (with freedom?). I recommend against that, even though the Cider in Equestria has been suggested to be alcoholic. There's just something... not right with getting drunk on a show designed for children. I cannot say I approve of it. Of course, if you're just saying she is overindulging on her newfound freedom, then I'm fine, although you'll want to make that more clear with the way to say it.

Your concept is very well conceived, though. I enjoy the idea of a foreign ambassador of sorts, the idea was just recently explored with the Horses from Saddle Arabia. What you have is a more in depth version, something most definitely welcome. However, the reader is going to want learn more, myself included. I hope you have a lot of cultural richness prepared to satisfy your readers' desire for learning about Asian pony civilization. If you do, this OC will do quite well.
Character Critique Thread

Have your OC fairly and honestly evaluated!

byndbored

I've been working on my OC so maybe you could see how well I'm doing so far i guess.
Said no to being given a Lucario Pokemon X.
My oc board is in my Signature
http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=2268.0

Gracie Sky

This is a critique for Beyond bored by byndbored.

First of all, you should proofread it for misspellings, capitalization, and formatting. You also use parenthesis a little too often. Fixing these little things will go a long way.

Now... you should be aware how intricate this critique is going to be. You're asking me to evaluate a story that is a reflection of a dream. Most of your concepts are abstract, full of unknown variables and little to no history. I almost feel the story is more focused on than the character. Of course... because this is based on a dream, it should be expected. I will be addressing both the character and the story.

Beyond Bored him is a pretty mysterious pony, he has amnesia and apparently fights with himself. I get the feeling he doesn't have a life, save for being this villain's experiment. I guess I'm trying to say the character is highly undeveloped, since we don't know his past, why he's in a maze, and why he has so many other strange ponies following him. These will need to be explained, along with some other quirks about him, in order to develop the character to a point where he can start being appreciated by your audience. You might even want to address how he even knows his name is Beyond Bored, since he can't remember his past.

The story is full of... I'd like to call them logical fallacies: aspects that don't make sense from a normal thinking pony's perspective. Of course, this piece was inspired by a dream, which don't normally make sense in the first place, so that may explain it. We don't know anything about this villain, so maybe that's a good place for you to start when you develop the story more. You'll also have to explain this group who are "try to make him one of them", and what exactly they are. You also have the apparently unsupervised Beyond Bored essentially using the convenient Canterlot Royal Guard's raid as a distraction as he destroys an evil lair by raiding the unsecured and unguarded armory loaded with weapons capable of destroying an entire building, as though he knew where this armory was, despite not even being able to recall who he is or what he has been doing since foalhood, because you claim that's what anypony would do. You see where the logic doesn't match up, right?

We all like mystery and intrigue in a character, but you need some material behind that. I'd also like to know more about the Beyond Bored of today. What is he doing now? Just wandering around without direction all alone? How does he support himself? Why is his cutie mark a shield with a question mark? Is it because he is a "walking question mark"? Is that truly his talent? I realize dreams and any product of one normally is not restricted by our sense of logic, but you're going to have to introduce some logic for this character to come around and be coherent.
Character Critique Thread

Have your OC fairly and honestly evaluated!

Dasdaq

dasdaq9537.deviantart.com

I am Currently interested in learning programming along side of my art! if anypony is willing to help that would be awesome! :D

OnyZ

http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=5931.0

I'm not entirely pleased with how it's written, but I'll just put it here, regardless.

Stardust Dragon



This is a little old, but I didn't want to just bump the thread from several months ago.  Would you mind doing a little review of him?

Sorry if the background is a bit excessive or nonsensical.  I don't call myself a writer, so I'm not great at constructing an idea most people can follow.  Also the links I messed up were just reference pictures. I'll post them in order here if you like.

Spoiler: show




The Silent Wolf

If you wouldn't mind, could you critique Wolf Petal, I've nerfed her down a bit and added more to her. The links in my siggy and right here. http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=5703.0
If The Silent Wolf is to long, just call me Kake

Skype if you happen to want to talk to me: Pokemonvskirby
I'm a little seal nerd, short and stout, here is my flipper, here is my snout~

byndbored

I redid my character's story so when you can let me know your opinion. :D
Said no to being given a Lucario Pokemon X.
My oc board is in my Signature
http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=2268.0

Gracie Sky

This is a critique for Soul Runner, Thunder Star, and Johnny Pear by super_chris85.

I will note that all your OCs suffer from bad spelling, capitalization, and grammar. It would help if you proofread your work, or had it proofread by somepony else. They all are kinda short too, so there won't be a lot for me to critique. Each pony will be address separately.

Soul Runner has a lot of antagonistic properties, although it seems it was because he was raised poorly. Still, I find his generally bad attitude to be well done. I may not like ponies with that arrogant personality type, but they are still as needed and important as less selfish ponies are. His run in with the Wonderbolts and his desire to ruin them is a bit petty, but I think you are going in the right direction with this if you plan to go further with the idea.

Thunder Star kind of scares me with his... alien eyes. I find his appearance in general to be... definitely not something from Canterlot. You might want to reconsider his design, unless he has a reason to look like that. Because he comes from a rich family, I find it odd that he'd want to break away from that comfort by roughing it out in Ponyville by himself. Was he particularly unsatisfied with his high life? Nonetheless, his most favorable feature is his proficiency with lightning. This is rather unique for Unicorns, as weather is normally more oftenly related to Pegasi. I always enjoy when authors stretch the race boundaries, as long as it can be believed. I can believe a Unicorn summoning lightning.

Johnny Pear is the most ordinary looking of the three here. I enjoy how relaxed he appears to be and his desire to make other ponies happy with his pear selling. Come to think of it, this is the first pony I've seen who sells pears. I would like to see more farming ponies and more fruits and vegetable sellers! However, due to his rather average personality and endeavors, he might not be able to make it past background pony. Also, I am not fond of the name "Johnny" being assigned to a pony, as it is a name more commonly associated with humans.

Overall, some decent quality OCs. Just make sure you work on the presentation, because it doesn't bode well with some readers like myself when we see half-literate OC biographies.
Character Critique Thread

Have your OC fairly and honestly evaluated!

Gracie Sky

This is a critique for River Song by hyliawisdom.

This is a fairly straightforward character. Most of her bases are covered, although I think you could do better with just a little bit more about her, specifically about more personable details.

I find her to be a pretty quirky character, which is good. I don't see many Pegasi who enjoy swimming more than flying, but it's all too obvious with her, which helps establish her individuality. We do see a lot of musical ponies, or at least it seems like I do. What I REALLY want to see is a pony named "River Dance" who does the... well, you know... river dance. That would be something strangely exciting, I think. Her fear of the dark is a really effective developing point; you can do a lot with this and I recommend you play on this aspect of her as much as you can.

"Introverted until she gets to know you and then can be the best pony you know" is quite overplayed for ponies, although I believe you can't have too many of that type. However, one should strive to keep the concept fresh. Her tendencies to soothe sad friends and hand out advice to troubled friends compliments her shy demeanor. A pony like her is very loyal to the few friends she does have, but it seems the other pony always has to break the ice, if you will. With this sort of mentality, this OC will be more reactionary, rather than proactionary, making her a support character at best.

That being said, I would like to see her behavior when her short supply of friends aren't involved. How does she act while alone, with her boss, family, strangers, etc? Her personality, while pretty good, is one dimensional. You would do well to try and expand her personality, which is why I asked you the previous question(s). Unless you want a one dimensional character, show us more than one side of this OC.

Her backstory is... rather short... and unhelpful. You basically said she graduated from school and moved to Ponyville and that was the last 19 years of her life in a nutshell. Of course, if that's all that is worthy of note, then she has a very boring history. You should definitely give her past another go around.
Character Critique Thread

Have your OC fairly and honestly evaluated!


alexandas

Please critique Spellsworth if you can't tell the link is his name
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I'm probably not here, but If I am, call me moon rabbits.
This is for you, guys: http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=10581.msg878328#msg878328
:ajshifty::-3 (bloomberg)

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