BlackVortex's OC Thread

Started by BlackVortex, 2012 Aug 30, 21:47:13

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2012 Aug 30, 21:47:13 Last Edit: 2012 Oct 01, 10:27:02 by BlackVortex
I shall now put them all on one thread!

                                                                                                                         Ponys (More to come)

Name: Raven
Gender: Female
Age: Unknown (Ages differently because of the breeds crossed.)
Cutie mark: Pure black Raven feather.
Talent: Forestry
RP Colour: This
Pets: Huracain's Last Breath, a female Greater Equestrian Night Fury

              Family Tree
              Mother    +    Father: Drifting Tides
              Raven, Sparrow + Staid Glass (Unicorn)
                                         Fay (Unicorn)

Looks: Pure white, mane and tail, along with her body. She has a tail closer to that of a mythological unicorn, that of a lions, and a more bumpy alicorn (Horn) She has dark redy-brown eyes, but they shine so they appear light brown. She is a Equestrian unicorn-Mineralogical unicorn hy-bread, but she doesn't know. She likes to were lots of jewelry and make up. most ponys just think she is an albino, so they never wondered about her origins. She is tall and thin wich is simply a result of the breeds. (Not like Celestia's height or even Cadince, more like how Twist is slightly taller then the other fillies.)

History: Her mother was a Mythological Unicorn, so she was abandoned with her twin brother at an orphantige in a poor section of Cannterlotte. She and her brother were newborn foals at the time. The workers found that she was much thinner than her brother, (Which of coarse is natural for the breed) and thought that she was sickly. She was told this all her life and eventually came to believe it.(It helped that it was true, she just would not believe it at first.)  Her brother was adopted quite quickly, and left to life in Ponyville. (Her brother was grey, so there was no second thought about his coloration.) She never was adopted and thus gained a cold and distant personality. She likes to be left alone, and is happiest when in a forest. She studded to work in forestry, and gained her cutie mark for it. When studding, she became fascinated with Bio Luminescence. When she learned that the best place to see examples of it was the Everfree, she caught the next train to Ponyville, were she is living currently on the outskirts closest to The Everfree.

Name: N/A Nightshade
Gender: Female
Age: 19
Cutie mark: N/A, but has a crescent  moon-shaped, glowing mark on her shoulder, and white, glowing stars (How they look in the sky, like dots) trailing from her shoulder to her rump. Only on her right side.
Talent: Reading the stars and the moon to foresee events in the distant future
RP Colour: This
Pets: None
Looks:  Earth pony. Light blue coat, long lavender mane and tail. Her forlock covers her left eye, and her tail is a split 3-point. She has light green eyes. She's short, and a little chubby. She only has one ear, her left one is missing.
History:She was born in LassPegasus. She was born normal, and treated as such. One summer when  she was 5, her and some friends decided to go into a wild area away from the city. After about half an hour of walking, they came upon a hydra. The hydra attacked them, and her ear was ripped off by it. When they got home, her parents were horrified, and took her to the Emergency Room. They couldn't do anything about it. When school started, they sent her to boarding school. She hated it. She cased alto of trouble there. Finally, she ran away. After a week of being  alone, she was taken in by a bunch of other runaways. When she was 7, she found that her talent was star gazing- but, by doing it, she was able to read the stars and foretell the future. Her cutie mark never appeared, but on a blue moon, a strange making appeared on her shoulder. She left the group of ponys, and now lives on her own, travelling from place to place.
Personality: She's a street-smart tomboy. She also has a bit of an ego, and likes to "teach" runaway foals. She can be very kind, but most likely is not. Water terrifies her.

Name: Huricane
Gender: Female
Age: 2000 (20)
RP Colour: Red
Looks: Purple  Night Fury, smaller than most. No ripped wings, but small scars on her ears, and red makings. Oh here, I drew her a pic:  http://][IMG][/img][/URL]

History: When I figure it out, I will put it here.

Art hoard:
Spoiler: show

By Devmoder011

By Cutiebone

By ShadowHeart

By Ezmira

By Lary

By I Like Lobsters

By Firefly][IMG][/img][/URL]

By I Like Lobsters

By  Kamikaze

By Cutiebone

Thanks to all artists!

If I missed some art you did for me, give me the link so I can put it here.
I will be gone until the pony drought is over... so find me on Feral Heart if you want me :P


Credit goes to Frosting Blush.


I will be gone until the pony drought is over... so find me on Feral Heart if you want me :P


Credit goes to Frosting Blush.


Oh no... I'm getting that feeling again e_e

Pardon me. It's just that, whenever I see a nice OC design I feel like drawing them out, so expect a gift art from me soon. Firefly, you creep XD

Ok I hope you don't mind if this page gets filled up with words; I have alot of opinions in regards the Raven OC of yours  ^-^

However much I'd like for myself to take a good read at your OC's biography and description first, art has always been the first thing that catches my eye wherever and whenever; so I'll just start of by saying: I REALLY REALLY like her mane.

The other things I noticed, though, are the spelling mistakes and certain misphrased sentences.

Simple words like 'started', 'orphanage', 'Canterlot' and 'hybrid' were not spelled correctly, whereas more complicated terms such as 'luminescence', 'mythological' and 'coloration' had no mistakes in them. What I am trying to state here is the sense of irony, that you can get the difficult words right but yet the simple ones wrong; try to take note of that in the future, it will allow people to understand your work alot better.

About the sentences, majority of them were good and expressed with clarity, but this one statement, "he was told this all her life and eventually came to believe it.(It helped that it was true, she just would not believe it at first.)", was confusing. "It helped that it was true" : what was true? Her spoken heritage or her 'sickness'? If you could find a better way to phrase this expression, people will understand the link in a better way. But the fact that you didn't mention her heritage bugging her at all later on in the story made this 'believe or not believe' situation unworthy of mentioning  >:/

Moving on to the content of the history, I really liked how you expressed the difference between normal unicorns and mythological unicorns through their physical coloration; mythological unicorns are pure white from head to hoof (or not, because you didn't state the basic colours of the species, only your OC) , whereas normal unicorns have their usual rainbow-coloured variety as seen in the show. I also like how you put her 'normal' brother in; though he may seem not of much use on the outside, he is actually the one that prevents people from questioning Raven's origins and just classify her as sickly instead (the mythological unicorns shall remain a myth  ovO )

The part about her personality is very believable, but I do wonder about the story behind her forest visits. As far as I know, there are hardly any forests in Canterlot, so how does she know that she feels happy in forests? We've only seen a few patches of green in Canterlot so far, and that is the Royal Garden and the area around the castle (where an orphan like her would hardly be permitted stroll into), definitely no wild forests.

"She started to work in forestry" : Again, how did she come in contact with these things? Especially with her being a mere, unwanted orphan in an orphanage located away from the main city in Canterlot?
"she caught the next train to Ponyville" : How did she do so? Did she beg for money for the ticket, or did she just jumped onto a train at the last minute?
"she is living currently on the outskirts closest to The Everfree" : If she's fascinated by forests, why not just make her move into the Everfree?

Other Points and Suggestions:
1) About her cutiemark, how is a pure black raven feather related to her talent? It is sure related to her name, and probably makes her design look more unique, but cutiemarks are supposed to be related to an OC's talent as directly as possible.
2) If you want to introduce a new species in an OC's background story, I would suggest you introduce the whole species as well, whether it is only a brief description or not (I would count mythological unicorns as a new species)
3) Being a fan of the movie 'How to Train your Dragon' and the novel series as well, I can understand what you are trying to describe when you say "Night Fury". But again, not everyone might know what you are talking about, and blending two seemingly different (yet nice) shows might not always be a good idea. For example, you'll have to go on and explain how a dragon around twice the size of your OC was tamed by her, and how the dragon is able to stay uncanonical to the show despite being so big.

Sorry for the length, and note again that this is just my suggestion and opinion ^-^

[move=6][/move]Thanks Skardan (signature) and Fudgemuffin (avatar) :D
If I owe you any work you can always visit my gallery:


Whoa. That's alot of text :I But thanks.
I will be gone until the pony drought is over... so find me on Feral Heart if you want me :P

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