Character Critique Thread

[Shadow17598]

I would like to see mine crituqed, as it is kind of bad

Here is the link http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=9416.0

[Blindfire]

I must admit that I'm curious as to what you think of Blindfire. I'm actually using him in the tabletop RPG I run, along with the characters of Liven Courier and Dusty Scroll (who won't be getting her own section of my comments thankfully), so I'd like to know anywhere I can... touch up on his character. Still working on the picture personally, since I tend to get a bit excessive with the details considering I use Gimp and General Zoi's pony creator for them, but I'll likely add that to his page after getting some feedback. Thank you for the consideration, and also for doing this kind of thing in the first place. Getting fair criticism of this kind of thing is surprisingly difficult sometimes. And sorry for subjecting you to the wall of text. I just start writing and... well, being concise is not one of my strong suits. Anyway, Enjoy the Chaos, and thanks again!

http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=9841.0
Edit: And I forgot the link. GO ME! 83

[Arashikage]

Oh hey there's a thread for this?  News to me!  I'd like someone to tell me what they think of Starshell, seeing as how really this is the only pony OC I've had.  My other characters are non-pony.
http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=10275.msg753478#msg753478

[Gracie Sky]

Blindside definitely has enough personality by merit of the way he talks, but I can't really extract any of his less dominant character traits. So far, I've collected that he may or may not be the mellow and direct type of zebra who enjoys elaborating and reminiscing. The fact that it's the character talking about himself tends to mean he won't talk about his own personality, which is kind of important to spell out in an introductory topic (at least the most obvious personality traits, that is). I would approach it by having him say what others say about him, because they would most likely bring up the obvious personality traits I mentioned before.

Now... the autobiography, which is basically 90% of the material, is completely saturated in the character's talking habits, although that does add some charm to it and gives us more insight about how the character percieves his own past. However, the crippling flaw is that it's long. Very long for an introduction topic. Most readers will probably skim over the first few sentences of each paragraph before figuring out it's all about Blindfire's past, which is nice and all, but runs the high risk of losing the reader's interest. Longer history stories really need to be saved for the likes of RPs, where the reader(s) have had a chance to become attatched to the character (through interaction) enough to want to learn about the lenthy past of him.

I'd recommend figuring out what the most critical to know points in his past were and stick to those, hopefully reducing the length of his past by about 75%. It really only needs a paragraph unless there is a visual tie between his past and his present self, like some sort of medallion he wears (or kids that follow him around), in which case you can also explain the medallion (or kids). I would really like to see more details about his present day self, though, as it is almost non-existant currently. You should have a lot to say about his present day self, anyways. He is an accomplished alchemist, he travels often and meets all sorts of ponies, he's blind... which should liven things up, no doubt.

And I don't particularly agree with firestorms causing children to be homeless and alone (trying to avoid the word "orphaned" here). If there house burned down, I'm sure there would be some sort of community effort to help them... at least if it were in Ponyville. I guess I can't speak for any other town. But really, it's all Equestria.

[Blindfire]

Hmm... Thank you, I think I know what to do now. I hadn't realized that the style I used would cause some issues on his personality, and your suggestion is a very nice approach to solve said issues without "breaking character." The observations you've made on him based on how he's talked actually helps me a lot, so I know where to go from there.

Onto the length... Yeah, that's a problem of mine, as you'll likely be able to tell from this response. I start writing and kinda have trouble stopping until the whole story is told. The fact that this is the first time I was actually writing out his history didn't help. And you're right, finding out about the character's history through interaction is better than having it told to you. I'll cut it down a (rather large) bit, probably just rewriting the whole thing and saving the wall of text for myself. On the present... yeah, kinda still fuzzy on his present at the moment. Mainly because he's still doing things in said RPG I mention below, so I should probably figure that out, huh? Hehe. 

Yeah... the whole explosion thing's an artifact from the RPG he's from. It's a bit darker than canon, so I'll rethink that part of his history. Hmm... thank you, you've given me some valuable ideas and insights into both the character and the way I write. I'll definitely be able to improve this. Thanks again for taking the time to help me, and Enjoy the Chaos!

[Ramisha]

Uh, hello. I'm making a new character. I know the story is't really "My Little Pony" like, but, could you take a look?
Right now I've got more info about his company than him... sigh... He's two days old now, I haven't thought of most things yet.
Also he almost never takes off his mask.

Spoiler: show

New pony in town.

The image is obviously no finished.

I'm not so sure about his name, but temporarily it's Arken Wyrmwald.

Age: Somewhere between 26 and 29

Race: Earth pony

Cutiemark: It's a mystery....

Personality: Arken is actually a fun and social pony. He's rather smart.
He is very finicky, and he doesn't have much of a sense for adventure. He just wants to get his job done.
He is impatient and easily annoyed.
In his spare time, he enjoys playing videogames.
His zodiac sign is a Sagittarius.

Backstory: Arken is a specially trained secret agent.
He works with a military organisation. Whether that company is working illegally or legally, he doesn't wish to disclose. (yes it's an illegal company )

Arken is skilled in fighting.
Not killing, mind you. Just disabling enemies and inflicting pain on them. He has never killed anyone, nor has anyone from his company died in combat. This is a pony universe after all!

Arken is well-educated in history and geography.
He has studied in Canterlot, with financing from his parents. May I add, his parents are pretty rich.

Arken has a brother who is a year older than him. His parents are alive too. Unlike MOST characters'....

Other: I'll tell you a little secret. His personality is based on a real person. His backstory is not. Obviously.

Spoiler: His company • show

He started working for his company when he was around 24. They needed a smart and strong stallion for help. They didn't specify what kind of help, and they said they want to change society. As he always wanted to make a difference somehow, he joined.
He soon found out they needed a secret agent. The last one was getting too old... he was 76 and he still wanted to kick Arken's bottom for taking his job. Oh well.  He didn't quite catch what the company was about, but there were some fighter ponies, guard ponies, some office ponies, some useless ponies... And even the company's personal blacksmith. 
A few months later, Arken found out that the company's work was illegal. They sure did want to make a difference, and they didn't care how to do it! He found out about it from a talk with a guard pony after a random passerby got too close to their headquarters.
Alright, I didn't tell you what the company's goal is.
The company's goal is taking over the world (it's not, don't worry) racial and gender equality.
That simple. Yet it wasn't that easy to achieve. See, the company's founder was a nice pony. Her husband wasn't.
He was a thief, a liar, a troublemaker. A politician. And worst of all he didn't agree with his wife.
So the company has problems to this present day. It was forced to hire guards, fighters and even a secret agent.
And that's about it. I'm not going to say anything else, you'll blame for telling you more about my pony's workplace rather than himself!!

[/spoiler]

[bauccgia0]

http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=10381.0
Just thought I'd get a mystery guy going. Tell me it's wonderful! Kidding, just tell me if it's enough to build a character on. Before questions are asked, Laserbolt is the guy I usually play.

[Gracie Sky]

I'll be addressing multiple characters in order they appeared after Blindside.

Starshell:
She's a quaint pony and it looks like she can do her job efficiently. But, other than that, you've told me that she is a talent agent. If that's all you can tell me about her, or all that's important about her, she will be a supportive character at best (when a situation calls for a talent agent). Other than where she was born and her build up to be a talent agent, I know little about her, including things like her personality, friends/acquaintances, and her upbringing. Of course, if she is designed to be supportive, none of this is required.

One thing about her talent, though. It does seem a bit odd that she has been in many school plays and spoken with many actors and then wanted to start looking to this line of work for her cutie mark.  I think it would make her special talent carry more authority if you established a history of her being able to "find the right pony for the right job". This would mean she needs a natural eye for detail and exceptional problem solving skills.

She just needs a bit more work, but she has some promise.

Arken Wyrmwald:
I think he's too far out there to be a realistic character in an Equestrian setting. It's that costume, really. It just screams "I'm up to no good". Does he really go out in public wearing that? His mysterious nature adds to any suspicious a pony would have of him. Now... could an organization that strives for racial and gender equality exist in Equestria? I wouldn't put it past me, but the issue here is that it's illegal for some reason. I would expect more of a union than a secret agent organization.

Although the existence of an organization like this brings up the question of whether or not ponies think they are being discriminated against due to their race and gender. I always imagined most ponies being proud of who they were and not judging others, but there is room for the possibility that there are ponies who aren't.

As for Arken himself... I'd say something if I knew anything about him, but he is shrouded in mystery. He has a family and he is good at fighting and he works for an illegal organization.

Since you're still developing him, I'm sure there's a lot more about him you have in store; just keep the things I just mentioned in mind as you continue to develop him.

West Star:
Uh... hmm... Great so far, but I know literally about 15 seconds worth of time about him. He appeared with certain memories in tact and all other memories lost or hidden. He names himself and starts looking for Laserbolt. I'm not sure what I could suggest to make the character better without asking you reveal something you want to keep hidden in his most likely tragic backstory. If anything, though, try to describe him maybe about a day's worth of time living among ponies who don't know his identity. Describe his tendencies and dominant personality traits that other ponies would observe from him. They don't even need to talk to him, although getting some words out of him would allow the reader to know more about his social habits.

And don't compare him to another pony when describing his appearance. I have no idea what Laserbolt looks like.

[Ramisha]

Thank you very much. Yes, he's underdeveloped... I wasn't sure what to put as the company's goal. It's a mysterious company so I'll just say that he doesn't even know what its motives are...
He doesn't really always walk around like that. Well, actually, he usually avoids other ponies...
Thanks agaiN!

[DawnsEmbrace]

Wow, you seem to have a full time job with all these OCs, Gracie.

And you've been doing it for...
A YEAR and a HALF?
Wow.  Way to be dedicated to the job.


I kinda feel bad asking you about mine now...

Well, I guess I'll do it.
Please forgive me!


http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=10393.0


Lunar Composer is over that way.


PS:  I know that the more in-depth auto-biography is long, so I tried my best to make a condensed version, but I'm still not quite happy with it.  If you have the time, and more importantly, the patience to read that whole thing, it would be much appreciated and will give you a better idea of who he is.

[Gracie Sky]

Lunar Composer
I like him. He's very well balanced and doesn't have any overwhelming personality traits, yet is still distinguishable. I'm a tad bit surprised he hasn't met another starcharting pony or joined an astrology club or something of the sort, but I guess there's still plenty of time for things like that.

I most enjoy how you bring up many of the aspects behind a pony name in Equestria, the main one being heritage. He was expected to be a musician, so was named accordingly... except for the "Lunar" part, I don't know what that has to do with music. Anyways... this conflict between his real passion and the passion his parents want him to have serves as a gigantic opportunity to develop him into something truly unique. The best advice I could offer to a character like this (if you haven't considered it already, that is) is to evolve his talent of starcharting by means of influencing it with the music that his parents tried to pass on to him. Perhaps something like being able to compose music based on the alignment of the stars in his starcharts. STAR MUSIC, the stars are the notes!!! It would porbably sound horrible... or it might not! But still, if you did something like this, I'm sure his parents would be really happy that all their efforts weren't in vain. It would also help justify all those tedious hours he spent learning music and maybe even help broaden his perspectives on thing [I]not[/I] starcharting. It would definitely make me say "That's something new!".

Oh... I guess I should ask what he does in the daytime. I assume he's asleep in the day.

Uh... the vials of Poison Joke and the desire to walk even within 100 yards of the Everfree... I'm still a bit skeptical of those aspects of him unless you provide more reasoning behind why he would use Poison Joke as a weapon and why he would go to a forest everypony is afraid of. It's kinda mean to force Poison Joke on other ponies, even if they deserve it. Does Lunar Composer also possess the cure for Poison Joke, so that he can correct his past sinister deeds? Nopony goes into the Everfree for a reason: it's dangerous. Even if it really weren't dangerous, I don't see how a pony could accidentally figure that out. I know Zecora lives there and is fine and dandy, but we are talking about a pony who grew up in a sheltered environment seeing past the danger all ponies have been conditioned to avoid. It merits and explanation.

Last thing I wanted to bring up is auto-biographies. Other than the fact that most authors are conditioned to do the standard format, there are a few flaws with auto-biographies that stand as reasons as to why I personally don't use them. First off, characters are partial towards themselves, for good or for bad. I don't buy it if a pony says "My weakness is I'm timid". It's just not as authentic when you are talking about yourself... you know... like tooting your own horn. There's going to be bias that will interfere with the facts of the character. Having a third person narrator explain the character is a generally safer, albeit less interesting road to take. I will admit an auto-biography does help the reader know the personality of the character more, but you can illustrate a personality in a single sentence, which is why I have more recently included one-liners for my OCs.

The other issue is characters tend to rant about themselves when they get in the moment. Yours is a prime example. Their emotions cause them to stray away from the facts and digress in any which way. There IS a line where a reader will choose not to read something due to its length. Of course, this line is different for everypony, but cluttering the biography with the character's two cents for every event that has happened to them will get in the way at some point.

Don't get the wrong idea. There's nothing wrong with auto-biographies. If you want to use them, more power to you. I would recommend not... sounding too upset by the fact that others don't use them, though. The best thing you could do is make an auto-biography and if other people like the style, they will mimic it themselves.

[DawnsEmbrace]

Whoops, looks like I made this response too long.
To avoid clutter, I put it in here.

Spoiler: show

Yay!  I'm glad you liked (Most) of him. 
You found some problems I didn't think of, so mission accomplished on both ends!
I guess I should address some of those problems you've found first before going on.


In response to Powdered Joke and the Everfree.

He knows about, and what to do with, Poison Joke, due to witnessing it's effects during the episode Bridle Gossip.
He only keeps one vial on him at any given time, to minimize potential hazards and/or accidents.
Lunar has lots of patience, and that one vial is reserved for the few who can truly break through that.
Chances are, those ponies are jerks, major ones.
Let's take Diamond Tiara as an example.  Her defining trait is that she's a jerk.
If she contracted Poison Joke, it would most likely find some annoying way to NOT let her condescend others.
This experience would (In his opinion) benefit her greatly.  Whether this is a failing on Lunar's part or not, is up to the individual.

He doesn't consider it mean or extreme because of that belief, Lunar's a nice pony.  When dealing with something as delicate as this, he always knows of a remedy.
He places that remedy (In this case being a pouch of herbs and a note on what to do with them,) on the afflicteds doorstep the next night.

As for the Everfree, he walks there because he can be absolutely alone there, a state of being which he is most comfortable in.
He makes his best decisions when he's alone.
He's cautious yes, but not afraid of the forest due to his natural rationality, knowing he can at any time fly straight up to get out.

Don't forget, Lunar's from Canterlot.  He has most likely never heard of the dangers of the Everfree forest, and would be very interested in seeing this lost section of land for himself.
...And possibly mapping it...


As for Auto-biographies...I don't really know what to say.
You bring up all perfectly valid points, and I tend to agree with you.
I should probably just spruce up his regular boring bio.




Okay, this is a bonus bit of information just in case you wanted answers to those little questions, I didn't feel would have a good fit in his bio.

The reason he hasn't met any other pony with Starcharting interests is because I haven't in the forums yet.
As for not joining a club, there would be too many ponies there.  He'd never be comfortable.
Oooh, I could have him start his OWN club!  That way he can ease into meeting new ponies 1 by 1 while still finding ponies who care for what he does.

That was an unexpected idea.  Thanks Gracie!

His first name is Lunar because his family (On his fathers side) has all darker colors.  It's something of a tradition in his family to name children after that fact.
(His fathers name is Mond Komponist which is German for Moon Composer)




Okay.

Okay, okay, okay.


Star Music, is absolutely Celestia-darn BRILLIANT.  Sweet baby Princesses, it's brilliant.


I started doing some thinking on the idea, and have come up with something.
What if Princess Luna helped him write music by putting the stars in the sky a different way every night?
And every time he makes a "Starchart" he's actually writing music that our beloved younger Princess has given him.
Who is, in her own way, trying to teach him a lesson about not giving up on the hopes of your parents.

Oh, and yes, for the most part he sleeps during the day.

[Foolin]

Hello Gracie Sky! Seems like you got a good thing going here. I have some characters that could use an opinion or two. I'd ask for all but that sounds a bit greedy. So if you could at least look over the first one, I'd appreciate it.

http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=10452.0

Thanks in advance!

[Gracie Sky]

While I do have a few things to say about Foolin', I don't have a lot of material about him to critique. He has the mindset and talent pool consistent with that of a comedian, but that's the extent of my knowledge of him. It would help immensely if you not only said he was good at something like boxing, but explained exactly how good at boxing he was or how he is different from other boxers. Hightlights of his boxing career would do nicely.

Except you want such examples of his comedian career as well, of course.

And boxing ponies seems a bit off to me, but I've seen jousting and fencing ponies, so boxing isn't that far of a stretch as long as you can sell it.

I find "Foolin'" to be more of a nickname than a name given to one by their parents. Just wanted to let you know, and hopefully that was what you had in mind already.

[Ivory Valor]

I'm almost scared to ask, but....

http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=10521.0

Please evaluate?

[byndbored]

If I was to change my characters backstory what would you think of the idea of him literally becoming trapped in the dream world for most of his childhood until Luna found him and got him out, do you think that could work in someway.

[Gracie Sky]

Being trapped in the dream world is a very delicate subject.

There would be a ton of explanations that would need to be given out if you were to take this sort of road. First off, you'd need to answer why he got trapped in the dream world, since most ponies tend to wake up when morning comes. The very idea of being trapped in the dream world is something more akin to a coma. Secondly, if he was in there for most of his childhood before Luna saved him, why did it take Luna so long to rescue him?

If you can give reasonable explanations to those points I presented, you might be able to pull it off.

[MrEmu]

A decent explanation could be the fact that Luna was on the moon for 1,000 years, so he could have been trapped for the last -PONY'S AGE HERE- years of Luna's moon banishment...

But WHY he got stuck in a dream still should be explained...

[byndbored]

What if when he was little he found some strange artifact on the ground that would have gave him power over ponies dreams as a way of controlling minds if he used it (he's unaware of what it is or what it does of course), there was something about it that creep-ed(i refuse to believe that's how you spell creep-ed)him out so he broke it resulting in it trapping him in the dream world as the result of some defense mechanism.

[Dark Hooves]

http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=6860.msg737508#msg737508

mah newest original character