Original Character Creation

[bananamustang]

Oops! Sorry, didn't see that.

Great work!

The use of the rank and unit names is really good my issue is that he is a petty officer 2nd class and in the REAG. Petty officer is a rank for the navy and coast guard. Look into the air force to get the proper rank. I tend to use a touch of realism when I RP with my military character because I know how it works and want to keep it as believable as possible.

Thanks for the feedback. The reason I made him a PO2 despite being in the Air Guard, was because I was a PO2 in the USNSCC, so I wanted to try and keep that as a sorta homage to that time in my life. That, and I'm really not that good at coming up with rank names. I'll try to come up with some at another time.

Funny. I was in the cadets too. I understand that much of what you are saying about the ranks, but two things: navy has more planes than air force and two is that you can find rank names on wikipedia for all the branches.

[PrincessButton]

I'd love some constructive criticism on my OC. The link is in my signature, I'd love it if you could give me some feedback on Moonbeam.  ((I'd ask you to do Breezy Wind as well but she's not complete yet, I haven't developed her personality and bio and such.)) Please and thank you.

[bananamustang]

I'd love some constructive criticism on my OC. The link is in my signature, I'd love it if you could give me some feedback on Moonbeam.  ((I'd ask you to do Breezy Wind as well but she's not complete yet, I haven't developed her personality and bio and such.)) Please and thank you.

OK I like the look of the character and the cutie mark too. The background, personality, strengths and weaknesses are all good as well. It's the special talent that needs a bit of work. Some rooms might leave it alone, but the fact that she is a Pegasus with "certain connections with celestial bodies" that can make a few people say that it doesn't work or make sense.

There are a few ways around it, but before we get into that I would have to say that you need to elaborate more on whose dreams she is walking. If it is hers then that is ok, but the issue of it being a talent is how does it work to do anything for her or others. If it is others then you might want to consider working out two things: making her a unicorn or making a really strong elaborate story to give her the magic as a Pegasus.

To dream walk in other ponies dreams you should have some sort of telepathic ability. Which could go under the magic category.

Now I have said this before to many others: Everypony has magic. Only Unicorns are able to harness and use it. Pegasus would be next on the list and then earth ponies.

How is a Pegasus able to use magic!? They walk on clouds... duh...

So you can go with genetics and say that one of her parents had been a unicorn and her flying ability isn't very good. Or you can say a curse, but doing that would mean an detailed story as to why.

You need to have a reason for the dream walking and a connection with the planetary bodies really wouldn't work in most places. The more out there the talent the more logic and reasoning you need for it.

Look at the talents of the ponies on the show. Twilight has excellent magical abilities that she had to learn and work at. Dash has excellent flying abilities. The Cakes and so on. Their special talents aren't all that out there. The key thing is that you want to make it believable.

As for Breezy I am sure that you will think of something nice for her.

All you need is something more behind her talent. Just ask yourself why does this work for a Pegasus.

[The Wandering Magus]

If you wouldn't mind, although Project POTATO already did a miniature review, I would like your opinion on my OC's (link in my signature).  Hope it's not too much trouble!

[PrincessButton]

I'd love some constructive criticism on my OC. The link is in my signature, I'd love it if you could give me some feedback on Moonbeam.  ((I'd ask you to do Breezy Wind as well but she's not complete yet, I haven't developed her personality and bio and such.)) Please and thank you.

OK I like the look of the character and the cutie mark too. The background, personality, strengths and weaknesses are all good as well. It's the special talent that needs a bit of work. Some rooms might leave it alone, but the fact that she is a Pegasus with "certain connections with celestial bodies" that can make a few people say that it doesn't work or make sense.

There are a few ways around it, but before we get into that I would have to say that you need to elaborate more on whose dreams she is walking. If it is hers then that is ok, but the issue of it being a talent is how does it work to do anything for her or others. If it is others then you might want to consider working out two things: making her a unicorn or making a really strong elaborate story to give her the magic as a Pegasus.

To dream walk in other ponies dreams you should have some sort of telepathic ability. Which could go under the magic category.

Now I have said this before to many others: Everypony has magic. Only Unicorns are able to harness and use it. Pegasus would be next on the list and then earth ponies.

How is a Pegasus able to use magic!? They walk on clouds... duh...

So you can go with genetics and say that one of her parents had been a unicorn and her flying ability isn't very good. Or you can say a curse, but doing that would mean an detailed story as to why.

You need to have a reason for the dream walking and a connection with the planetary bodies really wouldn't work in most places. The more out there the talent the more logic and reasoning you need for it.

Look at the talents of the ponies on the show. Twilight has excellent magical abilities that she had to learn and work at. Dash has excellent flying abilities. The Cakes and so on. Their special talents aren't all that out there. The key thing is that you want to make it believable.

As for Breezy I am sure that you will think of something nice for her.

All you need is something more behind her talent. Just ask yourself why does this work for a Pegasus.

Thanks so much for the suggestions, as soon as I have some free time I'll work on her talent and background to make it more feasible as a pegasus talent.  Thanks again.

[Lusterless Nova]

I usually don't want critism but this is the first time i have ever created a character like this. If you have some free time click the link in my signature and be honest about what you think about Lusterless Nova. By the way his family will later have a small introduction.

[bananamustang]

I usually don't want critism but this is the first time i have ever created a character like this. If you have some free time click the link in my signature and be honest about what you think about Lusterless Nova. By the way his family will later have a small introduction.

Here is another excellent character. The name is nice and actually fairly fitting for the show time. The whole background and even the fact that you are ready to put a good amount of story behind his family is nice. The cutiemark should be a bit more vectored to match the pony so that it doesn't look out of place on his flank, but it looks cool.

You set up his personality well where it identifies his weaknesses and shows how he tries to cope with them.

However, there is the special talent. It works and it fits with the illusions. The summoning might need a bit of work. Either an extension of the summoning can be part of illusions and still use some of the abilities that the summons have, but gives them a bit of restrictions as well. Also you can have a time limit on how long they last. I like the restrictions on summoning a certain number at a time and not having full control over what he summons.

If anything and you want to keep them separate the summoning would be tied to his teleportation and you can add a bit of a story behind his growing friendship with the animals... except the dragon since that didn't turn out well.

Over all this is very good. A slight tweak in the talents and you would be good. I would love to see this character grow as well.

[bananamustang]

Also have been thinking and along with a request to mention. I have no issues with anypony sending a PM to me about anything. You can also hop onto the IRC and see if I can talk there as well. 

[Lusterless Nova]

I think i might start to like criticism. Thank you very much.
Once my current main RP (Desert of Dread) is over i'll see what i can do.

[Moonlight Paradise]

I don't care what you say about mah pony, you already talked about that kind of thing with Dragnmastralex and I don't roleplay much either. Even when I do, it is usually with a different OC.

[Azure Dusk]

I don't care what you say about mah pony, you already talked about that kind of thing with Dragnmastralex and I don't roleplay much either. Even when I do, it is usually with a different OC.

Banana is just offering feedback to ponies that ask for it, he's not trying to offend.

[bananamustang]

I don't care what you say about mah pony, you already talked about that kind of thing with Dragnmastralex and I don't roleplay much either. Even when I do, it is usually with a different OC.

Banana is just offering feedback to ponies that ask for it, he's not trying to offend.

Thank you Azure. I am offering this feedback to those that wish for it. If some are scared or embarrassed to ask for help they can pm or message me. I am doing this to help and to keep my creative juices flowing while I am in school and on a break from the writing team from the game. This is on my own time and not out of direction of any of the other writers.

[bananamustang]

For The Wandering Magus:

As I sent you in the message sorry I missed yours.

Feather Scroll:

Talent: I am assuming this is pretty much alchemy...? This should be a bit more clear as to what it is.

I like the tie in with the talent and his work.

While there is no knowledge if there is an ancient language or different languages across species you took that chance, but be ready to change that if the show does some craziness with it. I like the non direct way that you mentioned part of the mane six, but just keep in mind that some people don't like it when others give themselves a direct connection with them in their story. Personally I say this "Pinkie knows everypony and Ponyville is small so who is to say who doesn't know who?"

So keep in mind if you RP try to not mention them until you get to know the other RPers and if there is a local Twilight, Rarity, and Pinkie Pie that you have them as part of your character's story. If they are understanding and good RPers then they should roll with it or you can just work that reputation with them in a creative manner to have them get to know your OC.

Just try to avoid making him too much like Fluttershy when you rp. He is his own pony.

Juniper Blosso:

Have I mentioned you have good names for your OCs?

Talent: Simple I like it. Just pick one though. It's her special talent. It is what she got her cutie mark for. Feather's talent ties in together meaning that it can lead to just one thing: Alchemy. Woodworking and botany don't really go hoof in hoof. However, it doesn't mean she cant do either one anyway. Just that she needs to have one as a special talent.

You connected her with just about all of the mane 6. Again be careful with that as I said. If a room doesn't have RPers playing any of the mane six you can establish it when you know them well enough. Usually when a cannon is made for a room and there is one player who plays the mane 6 you will have the others to help you out.

I like the relationship that these two have. It is a yin and yang thing. They have a lot in common and are opposites at the same time. Now you mention that they received permission to live together. If that is the case then they must be younger than some of the others.

These two could be portrayed in a few different ways. 1. Romantic, 2. Comedy, 3. Both, 4. Friends that go on little adventures. You have a lot of potental with both characters, but a few restrictions.  Once you set the way they are (Honestly, a bit of role play helps feeling out the way they are) you have to stick to it. Sure that goes with other OCs that anyone has, but with Juniper and Feather being the way they are, which is pretty straight forward, you have to make sure she stays outgoing and he stays shy, but not overly so (remember he did make friends on his own).

These are pretty good. I don't see many issues with both of them. If you plan on RPing it would be fun to see them both talk to each other.

[The Wandering Magus]

For The Wandering Magus:

As I sent you in the message sorry I missed yours.

Feather Scroll:

Talent: I am assuming this is pretty much alchemy...? This should be a bit more clear as to what it is.

I like the tie in with the talent and his work.

While there is no knowledge if there is an ancient language or different languages across species you took that chance, but be ready to change that if the show does some craziness with it. I like the non direct way that you mentioned part of the mane six, but just keep in mind that some people don't like it when others give themselves a direct connection with them in their story. Personally I say this "Pinkie knows everypony and Ponyville is small so who is to say who doesn't know who?"

So keep in mind if you RP try to not mention them until you get to know the other RPers and if there is a local Twilight, Rarity, and Pinkie Pie that you have them as part of your character's story. If they are understanding and good RPers then they should roll with it or you can just work that reputation with them in a creative manner to have them get to know your OC.

Just try to avoid making him too much like Fluttershy when you rp. He is his own pony.

Juniper Blosso:

Have I mentioned you have good names for your OCs?

Talent: Simple I like it. Just pick one though. It's her special talent. It is what she got her cutie mark for. Feather's talent ties in together meaning that it can lead to just one thing: Alchemy. Woodworking and botany don't really go hoof in hoof. However, it doesn't mean she cant do either one anyway. Just that she needs to have one as a special talent.

You connected her with just about all of the mane 6. Again be careful with that as I said. If a room doesn't have RPers playing any of the mane six you can establish it when you know them well enough. Usually when a cannon is made for a room and there is one player who plays the mane 6 you will have the others to help you out.

I like the relationship that these two have. It is a yin and yang thing. They have a lot in common and are opposites at the same time. Now you mention that they received permission to live together. If that is the case then they must be younger than some of the others.

These two could be portrayed in a few different ways. 1. Romantic, 2. Comedy, 3. Both, 4. Friends that go on little adventures. You have a lot of potental with both characters, but a few restrictions.  Once you set the way they are (Honestly, a bit of role play helps feeling out the way they are) you have to stick to it. Sure that goes with other OCs that anyone has, but with Juniper and Feather being the way they are, which is pretty straight forward, you have to make sure she stays outgoing and he stays shy, but not overly so (remember he did make friends on his own).

These are pretty good. I don't see many issues with both of them. If you plan on RPing it would be fun to see them both talk to each other.

Thank you very much for your reviews

Re: Talent:

Magitronics are essentially magitech electronics, and spell matrices are like programs.  Like an electrical engineer, Feather needs specialized tools and equipment to properly design magitronic devices, and he needs those devices to program spell matrices for things like magic barding and shield runes.

Without these delicate tools to channel his generally weak but precise magic, he is somewhat useless, like an electrical engineer in a medieval community.

Spell matrices, for those unfamiliar with the concept, are networks of sequences of spells stored in rune-stone devices which build on each other in a chain reaction, similarly to the way an engine works.  The net effect of the spells acting together can be anything from a benign invisibility matrix to a devastating rift matrix.  The more powerful the matrix, the more complex the spells required and the more fragile the construct is.

Re: languages:
lots of RPers here and elsewhere like talking about "ancient languages" and such, and since he's working with multiple forms of magic and stuff, I thought it would be a nice ability to have, both in and out of character.

Re: mane six connections:
you'll notice they're mostly completely optional, having no real strong part in his bio, and they're easily removed.  It's for if I come across ponies talking with the mane six in a random jump-in.

Re: like Fluttershy:
got it   I try to make him a *bit* different, like a sort of mix between Twilight and Fluttershy, actually, with a hint of Rarity since he's sort-of nobility and all.

Re: Names:
thanks

Re: talent:
I guess I'll just stick with woodworking as the talent and gardening as the hobby then, since woodworking is sort of more important backstory-wise.

re: mane six:
as before, the connections aren't exactly strong, and I can cut them anytime depending on the RP I sign up for.

Re: relationship:
wasn't sure how important/allowed "marriage" was in this game/community, so I stuck to "living together with parents' permission" instead.  As such it's a little bit of all four, actually.

Re: RP:
I've had them in a few RPs before, but most of those died... Trader's week, Sonya's RP, Equestria Hearts, etc.  I have them currently playing in Lockdown, but with REALLY changed personalities due to circumstances described in the OP.

Anyhow, thanks for the review

[Gracie Sky]

This is a really good idea, I should have thought of this myself, since I enjoy seeing what creativity other people come up with for characters.

Well, while you're here and offering, I guess it wouldn't hurt if you took a look at my wall of text of an OC. I don't think you read it, but a few ponies on the concept team blew me up about it... although I sort of was expecting it. You'll probably understand if you took a look at it.

Gracie Sky

Be assured everything I put in there was deliberate and possesses a rational explanation... that I won't tell you about right now but is still embedded in the complexity of her story. So don't run around screaming Mary Sue like Tater did, please. v_v

EDIT: Oh, while I'm thinking about it: her color scheme. I made it in pony creator and only later did I find out it's almost identical to another pony's color scheme when I was watching the Royal Wedding and saw what I thought to be Gracie's unknown Earth Pony older sister running the kitchen with Applejack. Learned it was Apple Fritter. I probably have to change Gracie's color scheme and pay more attention to the background ponies... 

[bananamustang]

This is a really good idea, I should have thought of this myself, since I enjoy seeing what creativity other people come up with for characters.

Well, while you're here and offering, I guess it wouldn't hurt if you took a look at my wall of text of an OC. I don't think you read it, but a few ponies on the concept team blew me up about it... although I sort of was expecting it. You'll probably understand if you took a look at it.

Gracie Sky

Be assured everything I put in there was deliberate and possesses a rational explanation... that I won't tell you about right now but is still embedded in the complexity of her story. So don't run around screaming Mary Sue like Tater did, please. v_v

EDIT: Oh, while I'm thinking about it: her color scheme. I made it in pony creator and only later did I find out it's almost identical to another pony's color scheme when I was watching the Royal Wedding and saw what I thought to be Gracie's unknown Earth Pony older sister running the kitchen with Applejack. Learned it was Apple Fritter. I probably have to change Gracie's color scheme and pay more attention to the background ponies... 

MARY SUE!

I kid. Couldn't resist.

I am supposing that the profile was made like that for an RP itself. If not then that is an interesting way of  putting it.

OK. The OC looks nice. I can't see why it would be considered a problem that she has the same colors as Apple Fritter. It happens all the time. Look at the show and tell me how many have the same color schemes.

Overall you gave the character some mystery. She is an orphan and doesn't know anything. Its like a new character for an RPG. You have to build her up. Either through RP or a Fic.

As you said there seems to be a rational explanation to everything you have there. From what you said of the interest if she is too young then it's OK to not have her lean to anything, but at her age she might be leaning slightly to something.

I don't see how this is bad in anyway. It allows you to build the character through experience and interactions. Pretty much you developed an OC that is slightly generic when it comes to being a filly, but that also gives the chance to let her grow up into something that stands out and is unique.

Also if you have some answers to the mysteries of an OC sneak some out. Give a little teaser so that anyone that reads the profile and is paying attention will be curious enough to find out what their story is. However, if your character has strong presence then you might not have to worry about it.

[The Wandering Magus]

By the way, could you possibly post your reviews on deviantart so that if this thread gets deleted there's still someplace we can reference your suggestions?  And if not, would you mind if i copied your review of my oc's for private noncommercial use as reference?

[Lord of Madness]

OH you should do mine... WARNING it has A LOT of information...
(post was WAY to long so i shortened it ^3^)

http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=100.0

[bananamustang]

By the way, could you possibly post your reviews on deviantart so that if this thread gets deleted there's still someplace we can reference your suggestions?  And if not, would you mind if i copied your review of my oc's for private noncommercial use as reference?

Feel free to copy it and paste it ^_^

However, if you want me to put it there I will.

[The Wandering Magus]

By the way, could you possibly post your reviews on deviantart so that if this thread gets deleted there's still someplace we can reference your suggestions?  And if not, would you mind if i copied your review of my oc's for private noncommercial use as reference?

Feel free to copy it and paste it ^_^

However, if you want me to put it there I will.

yes please . In case it gets wiped by another forum purge.