Morning Glory's OCs ~ Feedback Requested!

[Morning Glory]

Making good OCs is about building a whole person, not just one part of a personality. Some variety is good too. Plus, just logical thinking. You know, what makes sense for this character?

[Sponk]

Making good OCs is about building a whole person, not just one part of a personality. Some variety is good too. Plus, just logical thinking. You know, what makes sense for this character?

She's well explained?

[Morning Glory]

Oh, that was a rhetorical question, not a question for you. Sorry.

[Sponk]

Yeah..

[Chautauquan]

Great job on another new character!  Nice to see a different side of playing a character.  I also think it's great to point out the superficiality is part of the complexity.  I mean, we only call it superficial because that's what we see without knowing the motivation.  There's always something there, and it's nice to think about it.  And, in all honesty, you've got to admit that sometimes everypony wants to take a chance at matchmaking.  'Tis an intriguing exercise. 

[Morning Glory]

Thanks, friend. I've had this idea bouncing around in my head for a while. I wanted to do a kind of "popular girl" pony, but not have her be one-dimensional and rude. She's probably a lot like Rarity to be honest, although that was not my intention. I want to explore the duality of her superficial outside and her complex and emotional inside.

[Gracie Sky]

I must admit I have a bit of trouble imagining Lovey-Dovey.

I'm a bit suspicious of her name, which is extremely focused, not to mention she coincidentally happens to be a professional shipper (although it may be more suitable if she were just a background pony).

I have difficulty seeing a pony who excels at small talk and gossip being super polite at the same time. I feel like it's an oxymoron. Gossip implies a certain degree of informality, commonly found with friends or peers. Now, if she's (more) polite to people who aren't her peers or  friends, I believe that would be more accurately described as hospitable.

Or maybe it's just the order you describe her in. You say she's impatient, vain, and (essentially) mildly selfish, but then say she's sociable, friendly, and polite. It's a very awkward contrast. I recommend finding another way to convey these traits of hers.

Other than that, I'm totally fine with a pony who ships other ponies and is overly romantic.

[Morning Glory]

What I want to emphasize is that she's being friendly, sociable and polite, not because she necessarily wants to befriend somepony or because it's particularly kind, but because she needs to get to know them so she can set them up.

My idea is she wants to add them to her list of potential matches more than any real interest in them as a friend or person. She gets impatient and fussy when she can't get someone she thinks will be a good match to go along with it. Or if she sets up what she thinks will be a good match, and it goes poorly. Or if somepony is particularly difficult to pair up. She does overall mean well with this obsession of hers, but she takes it too far and tries to force ponies together (like a professional shipper, which is an excellent description of her). It is also an indulgence of hers, as you can see, since she gets a great deal of pleasure out of making a good match work.

She does of course have true friends, and with them she is amiable and thoughtful, but only to an extent. She has a high opinion of herself, and she's sure she knows best. She'd be much more interested in adoring fans than anything else, so I would imaging most of her friends are doormats. I can also see her kissing some hooves to butter up  very important ponies. She needs to improve her own reputation and standing after all.

[Gracie Sky]

Hmm... I still can't see a pony who is gathering intel on the ponies she talks to being polite, without it being a false kind of politeness. Perhaps just "Friendly and sociable" would be sufficient enough to describe her conversational habits.

Yeah, I'm stuck on "polite". I'm a little picky about the use of that word, it seems. Politeness takes a certain type of humility I just don't believe she possesses on a casual basis.

[Morning Glory]

You're right. Polite is the wrong word....Proper? Prim? Eloquent? Refined? Cultured? Ceremonious? Something like that might better express what I'm after.

[Morning Glory]

Name: Jellybean
Age: 8 (human years)
Race: Earth pony
Coat color: Medium blue
Mane/tail color: Strawberry red and pink
Eye color: Sandy yellow
Cutiemark: None
Occupation: Child- Student
Residence: Vanhoover

History: Jellybean was born to a middle class family in Vanhoover. Her father Ironclad is a pegasus construction worker. He worked long hours, but when she was five, he was promoted to supervisor and the increase in paycheck meant he could stop working weekends. Her mother Honeykiss is a nurse at the local hospital. With her parents busily employed, Jellybean was left in the care of her grandparents most often. Her grandfather Alabaster, a retired pegasus royal guard, and his wife Marigold, cared for her nearly full time when she was a baby, and they watch her in the afternoon once she was school aged. Jellybean has long sought her cutiemark, inspired by the exciting stories told by her grandpa, but she has yet to discover her special talent.

Personality: Cheerful and naive, Jellybean leads a simple, happy life and likes it that way for the most part. She has three good friends; Poppy, Dizzytwist, and Rosewood. They readily hunt for adventure in the middle of their peaceful Vanhoover suburb, narrowly dodging passing bicycles and eagerly stalking neighborhood cats. She loves to spend time with her grandpa and grandma or, papa and nana as she calls them, respectively. Alabaster takes her for rides in the clouds from time to time, and she's learning to bake with Marigold. Jelly loves to color, and more often than not has been scolded for doodling crayon on the walls and furniture. Her nana is also teaching her to play the piccolo, something Jellybean is struggling with, but is determined to master. When she goes home at the end of the day, she's happy to eat dinner and talk with her parents, and on the weekends she enjoys nothing more to play with her daddy. She is sweet, outgoing and loyal, but easily frustrated. Things don't always come easy to her, and she often just gets crabby and gives up on tasks she decides are too hard. More often than not, her bravado will push her too far and she'll find herself sheepishly apologizing for the resulting mess. However, she's not above cleaning it up and starting over, once she's had time to cool off.


Picture:


Skills/Knowledge: Games (jumprope, hopscotch, hide-and-seek, tag, etc), beginner drawing, basic cooking(mostly baking pies and tarts),  beginner piccolo, rollerskating, basic weather patterns and flight mechanics, basic first-aid

Talent: Unknown
Racial abilities: Earth pony

Earth pony attributes:

Constitution: Individual can go for up to 10 hours without sleep, while still maintaining functionality

Strength: Individual can lift up to 1.2x bodyweight with extreme exertion and energy

Hearty: Individual can labor for long hours (up to 4 hours non-stop physical labor) without expiring

Speed: Ground speed 1.3x that of other pony races

Metabolism: Individual can draw large amounts of energy from small, low-nutrition foods

Sure-footed: Individual has excellent balance and a strong spatial understanding of where feet are placed. Allows easier travel over uneven or unsturdy ground

Heavy-hooved: Individual has exceptionally strong, hard hooves that are unlikely to chip or wear down

Senses: Individual has a stronger sense of smell and hearing than other pony races (1.5x sensitivity)

[Morning Glory]

Early characters are under revision and reorganization. Information is subject to change.


I am currently requesting feedback on Morning Glory, Pen Bitten, and Nightingale. The others I have not revised and reformatted yet.

I am interested in constructive criticism. While I appreciate if all you have to say is "These are good" or "I like #2", please leave a comment about what you like, what you don't like, and what I might change or improve.

[Gracie Sky]

  Wait... what... what is this? Spell and ability descriptions and parameters? I am hoping this is strictly for RP purposes. However, none of the ones you listed appear to be designed specifically for combat, so I suppose there is no problem listing skills for practical usage.

I don't see any issues with Morning Glory's background and personality. However, I'm a little concerned about her talents, namely her skills in caring for animals and plant cultivation. These are generally exclusive qualities in Earth Ponies, in the same manner the ability to fly is an exclusive quality for Pegasi. On the other hand, I have always been an advocate for ponies performing outside their racial standards... for a price.

Fluttershy, for example, cares for animals, even though that's a  trait more common for Earth Ponies (I wasn't aware this was commonly associated with Earth Ponies until I read it in a wiki, btw). However, Fluttershy's proficiency with being a Pegasus is  far below the standard. Her flying speed is far slower than most every other Pegasus ever, and I haven't seen an instance where she deals with monitoring the weather.

I, myself, claim a Unicorn who farms (or at least tries to). Her magic and book smarts are definitely below average, to compensate for the fact she's trying to perform a role only Earth Ponies are assigned with.

When I see that Morning Glory is proficient at caring for animals and animals and still is formidable with magic, I see a lack of balancing. I know she was raised with a lot of bits and a high status to back up all her endeavors, but I don't think that makes her better than other ponies. I'm sure you weren't aware she was stepping into Earth Pony territory with her talent, so I thought you should know.

The weird thing is, I don't know exactly how good she is with her magic, animal care, and plant growing. Right now, it looks like she's just average with the aforementioned three. But, as for my recommendation, the better she is at these Earth Pony roles, the less skillful she should be at magic.

I'll address the other two after you reply to this one.

[Morning Glory]

Thanks for responding Gracie- your critiques are always so detailed, honest, and fair. It's clear you put at lot of thought into your answers, and I really appreciate it.

Yes, the numbers/parameters are for Rp only- not to worry. I also hoped to better explain what I meant when I said "life magic", which is a little vague. And I carefully avoided combat-applicable choices. Equestria is not a land of war.

Part of my personal conceptualization of her talent is while on one side of her family she has aristocratic unicorn blood, on the other, she has an earth pony mother who's talent was gardening. A little contrived? Maybe, but it made sense to me. Do the talents of parents always reflect in their offspring? Certainly not. But I also see her being drawn to gardening as a way to feel connected to her mother. That combined with her unicorn magic to manifest in a life-magic talent. I do however like your concept of those with, let's say, "inter-disciplinary"  talents would lose some strength in the standard talent range of their race.

If were to rate MG's magical strength on a scale from 1-10 with Twilight Sparkle at 10 and say...Snips and Snails at 1, she would rank about a 3-4. Part of the reason she has more magic skills in her list beyond just her talent is because of her occupation. It seemed like she would develop (or pick up from others), handy spells for use as a secretary to a political delegate. I tried to make most of those spells small, practical pieces of magic that weren't very complicated and didn't call for extreme amounts of raw power. She did also attend Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns, so we can presume she, as you say, had resources and education to back up her endeavors. I wonder...in what other ways could I strike up a balance here? Is there anything else you would recommend? I don't want to go with any more contrivances, or any cliche cop out (She has anemia! She faints all the time!).

I also wanted to strike up a clash with the stereotypical "healer" and "flowerchild" personality you see with those with healing abilities. It's a role seen in a lot of contemporary children's cartoons and young adult literature. The soft, gentle, kindhearted healer tenderly cares for the wounds of his/her companions. I was interested in exploring a character with a cold, reserved, almost snarky personality with that healing role. An earth pony seemed to fit into that cookie-cutter role too much, so I wanted her to be a unicorn. As you may know, I'm a big fan of earth ponies, and I definitely feel they are a strong third to unicorns and pegasi, even if their strengths aren't as evident. But earth pony just didn't seem right, particularly in the aristocratic setting of Canterlot.

[Gracie Sky]

  You flatter me, really. I'm rather honored to be critiquing your character, since you produce the highest quality ones I've seen on these forums. You really know what it means to develop a character.

I really like how you explained your thought process with her personality and her strength with magic. I'm definitely all for breaking the mold on character archetypes, so I can appreciate you not using the "friend of all living things" personality type for a healer.

As for advice for balancing her, I actually might have something useful for you. I think a good way for you to go with her magic is to use her talent concerning life magic to be the source by which she draws magic from. It's like a give and take circle of harmony; she cares for the life of animals and nature, she becomes more greatly attuned to the energies of their life force, which enhances her magical output but only for her life magic. It's like the whole "The forest looks after those who look after the forest" thing, except with life energy.

This sort of approach would be slightly different than how life energy would affect an Earth Pony, since they don't have the means of channeling or projecting energies out of them like Unicorns can. So this hybridism of sorts would make her choice of magic unique. I'm fairly sure most Unicorns do not mix life/earth energies into their magic, since they are energies more common to Earth Ponies.

This would greatly help with explaining how she can use magic that benefits animals and plants. The fact that her mother had a thing for plants help compliment this as well.

Instead of saying her magic is strong, but so is her animal care and botany, you would be saying her magic is strong BECAUSE of her animal care and botany, but that strength is very focused to improve her animal care and botany.

I hope that made sense... 

[Morning Glory]

That's actually really clever. I hadn't thought of that. I was exploring more the realm of her having to sacrifice some of her own life-energy to bring it to other beings, but that felt cliche and really did not feel right in Equestria. The idea of attunement, or sort of, earth pony energy rewarding more earth pony energy is really good- a positive feedback loop. It would have to have some sort of threshold or ceiling to hit, so it wouldn't spiral out of control, but it works. It seems fair, and since most of her abilities are additive and positive, I don't feel she's out of balance in terms of power. She can only really help others. That actually was an idea I had that would be a contingent point for her magic- she couldn't use healing magic on herself- I feel those earth pony energies could only be purposed as an earth pony might use them. So she can care for animals, plants, and maybe even other ponies, but not her own self. Sure, some of her spells could be purposed for her own benefit, (like growing healthy food for her to eat, or purifying that food), but only indirectly. Things like rejuvenation or alleviation would have no effect on her.


I'm also glad how you caught on to the idea that this is sort of unique. Maybe not in the world, or even in Equestria, as I could see it as just being very rare (certainly earth ponies and unicorns have married and produced offspring before), but amongst her peers at school, she would be alone. I feel that this would have served to further isolate and ostracize her from the other students. Which is sort of ironic, since her talent is so much about altruism. I have the idea that maybe a professor at CSfGU would have taken her under their wing, more to study the phenomenon than anything else, but that she would have had this mentor as a companion as opposed to friends in her peers.

[Morning Glory]

Name: Horizon
Gender: Male
Age: 25 (human years)
Race: Pegasus
Coat color: Speckled gray
Mane/tail color: Dark Navy
Eye color: Green
Cutiemark: Sextant
Occupation: Bosun's Mate on the HMS Indefatigable
Residence: Baltimare. Often traveling.

History: Horizon's father Windward was a captain in the Royal Equestrian Navy. His mother Carronade, was the ship's cook on Windward's first assignment as a second lieutenant. They sailed together for several years and were married at sea. After 15 years of service Windward retired, and he and Carronade started their family along Baltimare's Horseshoe Bay. Horizon was firstborn, and his father was taking him sailing before the colt could walk. His little sister Skysail was born nine years later, and by that time Horizon was already sailing his father's sloop alone. He and his father would sit up late in their seaside home, poring over charts as Windward instructed him in navigation at sea.When he was fifteen he applied as a cabin-boy on the small clipper HMS Meridian. The fast and maneuverable ship was usually assigned to escort cargo barges. There he cut his teeth as a sailor and proved to be a valuable crewmember. After three years he had progressed through the ranks to bosun, leading and instructing the crew. After another seven years, he was reassigned to a tallship; the HMS Indefatigable. A large, full-rigged frigate with a compliment of 130 crewmen. The Indi has been assigned to an ambassadorial mission- ferrying delegates to and from the griffon, dragon, and zebra homelands, and transporting royal cargo.

Personality: Enthusiastic and amiable, Horizon loves nothing more than being at sea. He takes great pride in fulfilling his family's legacy of service to the crown. A highly skilled crewman, he is practiced in nautical navigation. He serves as bosun's mate on the Indefatigable, acting as a leader and instructor to the rest of the crew, second to the bosun. He is daring and eager for action, but never wishes to put his fellow crew in danger. He's quite skilled with the standard-issue slingshots the sea-faring ponies carry, able to make surprising accurate shots for a pony with such bulky, imprecise hooves. Never without his father's compass around his neck, he assists in navigation and orientation of the frigate. Often he is charged with breaking in new recruits, as he teaches them new skills patiently and thoroughly. He embraces his responsibilities, but sometimes fails to delegate duties to the crew, taking on more tasks than he can accomplish. He also is a bit of a glutton, eagerly gobbling down his rations each night and always hungry for more. In the sailing tradition, he can be superstitious and sometimes insists that certain traditions and rituals are what maintain safety and prosperity on board the Indi. Focused and determined, he likes mares well enough, but often enough their advances go over his head while his attention is on his ship; too busy planning and organizing to chat. He keeps an extensive log of animals sightings, and is always on the look out for a rare new fish or bird.With a keen eye and clear head he leads the crew through thundering gale and clear skies alike.


Picture:



Skills/Knowledge: Sailing theory, boat safety, nautical navigation, knot tying, sail rigging, advances slingshot, weather interpretation, standard pegasus flight safety and basic weather team maneuvers, foul-weather flying, intermediate oceanography and marine biology

Talent: Nautical navigation
Racial Abilities: Pegasus

Pegasus Attributes:

Flight: Individual can maintain a hover for up to 4 hours. Can maintain slow flight (15km/h and less)for up to 6 hours. Can maintain fast flight (maximum 65 km/h) for up to 30 minutes.  Time is reduced if carrying passengers or cargo.

Agile: Individual is highly maneuverable and has a good sense of spatial reasoning and quick reflexes

Senses: Individual has a heightened sight capacity, seeing 1.75x further and with more clarity than other pony races. Eyes are most sensitive to movement and color, but not detail.

Lightfoot: Individual can more easily walk stealthily, with reduced sound of footfalls and diminished hoofprints

Balance: Extreme balancing abilities allows individual to use wings to balance on a single hoof for up to 5 minutes.

Weather control: Individual can direct and relocate clouds, stir up winds, and cause lightning to strike.

Cloud walking: Individual can physically interact with clouds as if they were a solid object, standing on them, and using them as building material

Float: Individual has a lower body density than a different race pony of the same build. Allows easy gliding and extended flight.

[Gracie Sky]

Guns... no. There are no firearms in Equestria (or at least I pray that there aren't). Even if they shoot glue, ponies are incapable of handling handguns or pistols and the very idea of guns as a weapon is not something I believe Love and Tolerance would promote. Party cannons are pushing it already.

I'm also not to fond of the speckled texture.

Other than that, thumbs up!

[Morning Glory]

Yeah I grappled with that for a while, which is why he didn't go up until now. How they would fire them is the issue. I guess I can omit that, but it loses some of the feel- I was inspired by Napoleonic naval wars- something like Horatio Hornblower. I agree with the idea of Love and Tolerance in Equestria, but we've seen conflict before. I figured the peaceful way would be the nets. Maybe I'll switch it to merchant sailing.  But we have Royal Guards so it seems like there would be some kind of Royal Navy. Hmmm....Yes, I think I'll make it a trade vessel, carrying royal cargo, so it's still service to the crown. Maybe trading with the Griffon nation, or an ambassador's ship. I'll leave a few of the net cannons, just cause it seems like they would have some way to repel pirates (and we know there are pirates since Pip dressed up as one).

I went for speckles since it's an actual fur pattern seen on ponies- appaloosa. I like them when they're subtle- if it was pink with green spots I'd have issue. 

[Gracie Sky]

You can keep it a frigate, but please... ANYTHING but guns. Have them use slingshots that fire... ... ... water balloons! I'm sure you can find something to send the same message in a more Equestria appropriate manner.