My two-and-a-half OCs!

[Link]

---if you rate my OCs under a 7, please leave a detailed comment on why---


Name: Silver Flask
Gender: Male
Age: 17
Race: Pegasus

History:

Spoiler: show

"Why can't you be like us? Why can't you be normal?"
Silver grew up at a strictly earth pony only farming town, far on the other end of Everfree, beyond any thought of a town like Ponyville. Being populated by earth ponies, the town was obviously agricultural, and specialized in exporting lemons, hence the name of the town, Sourfarms.
In one of the largest and most respectable farming families, the Lemons (descendants of the founders of Sourfarms) lived quiet and tightly-knit lives together.
One of the bad attributes of the town however, was that every earth pony there never did and never will welcome a "deformed earth pony" like a pegasus, or a "stuck-up know it all" like a unicorn. Because of the general opinion the town shared on this, the only different ponies they really ever accepted were the Royal Princesses, merely because they needed the sun and moon to grow their crops.
One fateful day, due to either genetics or a strange twist of fate, the Lemons' middle son was born a pegasus. Immediately seeing the consequences of having a pegasus in the family, they hurriedly had their young son wear a vest that constricted and hid his young wings, making him appear to be nothing more than a skinny earth pony. What aggravated them even more was how outgoing and friendly their son was, unlike the rest of them. The Lemons tried their best to discourage this behavior, but with little success.
One day, after living for years of not being allowed to work at the farm with his family or even take off his vest, he was confronted by concerned citizens of the town, who wanted to get him to stop being so "strange" and making friends with their own children, giving them "strange ideas" and "odd behavior". At this confrontation, Silver's vest was caught on a pointy wooden fencepost, tearing his vest open and revealing his young wings to the entire town.
Obviously, this took little time for the council to debate, and before long the young colt stood outside the closing gates of the only home he ever knew, with nothing but the expanse of Everfree in front of him.
not being able to fly due to his fragile and thin wings, he walked through Everfree for days, desperately hoping to find a town where he could work for some food.
By sheer luck, he ran into a group of traveling Zebra, who readily gave the young colt assistance, letting him live with them while they traversed Everfree. During this time, they taught him their secret art of Herblore, and he showed special proficiency in it, earning his own cutie mark. It is here that he ditched his old Lemons name, and took on the new one given to him by the Zebra; Silver Flask. After some time, he matured and became a valued member of the tribe, being the only "pony-folk" among them, along with being very skilled at their art of herbal remedies. For a few years he traveled with his new family and was happy, and even took some time to practice flying, which took him some time to perfect it. 
Eventually, the time came where they had to part, and for the second time in his life, the still young pegasus had to leave his family. He eventually wandered into the vicinity of Ponyville, and set up a cottage in the woods between Ponyville and Canterlot, ready to give help, a warm bed, and a pot of his best soup to any passers-by.

Personality:

A kind young pegasus, he likes to forget about his past troubles, facing each new day with an optimistic grin on his face. Sometimes, he can get depressed by losing friends or thinking about his family, and he likes to shut himself up for a little while, to hide his depressed mood from his friends. Always eager to help, you can know Silver will always do his very best to help you, even if it means danger to his own person. For hobbies, Silver loves to read a good book, especially on the history of Equestria. He has a fairly large collection of books and trinkets on the shelves in his cottage, and you need only ask for the story behind each one. He also loves to cook, specifically soups and pastries. When he has spare time, he also likes to go into the cellar, where many an explosion has been heard before, due to his "experiments".

Strengths:

A very talented flier despite his weak wings, he can manage short flights that require a lot of maneuvering with ease. Obviously, he also has a definite grasp of potion-lore, and could cook up just about anything with a moments notice. He's also an excellent baker and historian.

Weaknesses:

With low endurance, don't expect Silver to do anything physical, as he won't be much help there. His fragile wings also make crashing quite an issue. Along with being easily intimidated, he also has a terrible fear of beetles, spiders, and strangely enough, earth ponies.

Picture(s):

By Morning Glory

Spoiler: show

By Sugarcup:

Spoiler: show

By Johannes:

Spoiler: show

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ANOTHER EDIT: So yea, I'm feeling pretty good about this OC now. He probably needs some more editing, since I just jotted down the history today as it came to me. I'd like to know how you all feel about him.

Name: Quick Draw
Gender: Male
Age: 25
Race: Unicorn

History:

Spoiler: show

Quick Draw grew up with a kind, loving, middle-class family in Canterlot. Being a unicorn, his parents instilled good morals with him, and Quick Draw was trained by his father at a young age in order to apply for the school for gifted unicorns. However, as he got older, the young unicorn began to find out about the way of the world; during his early years, most stronger stallions would pick on him, and he was quickly relieved of the delusion of "everypony getting along with everypony".
In time, he continued his magic practices, getting into the school for gifted unicorns a year early due to superb progress. As a student there, he was wise for his age, and generally kept up his grades, despite his tendency to procrastinate, or, over time, "borrow" fellow students' answers without being caught.
During this time at school, Quick Draw was aggravated to discover yet another troupe of bullies, looking to establish their own shaky confidence of themselves by picking on those smaller than them. When one day, a prank of theirs went terribly wrong; they had deliberately propped a bucket of miscellaneous foul-smelling chemicals from the labs of the school on top of an old bookshelf, which Quick Draw often visited for a good read to expand his spell-knowledge. As he withdrew a new book from the shelf, the bucket toppled over, landing on the unsuspecting unicorn and toppling the entire bookshelf onto him. Needless to say, the bullies fled before they could be found anywhere near the incident. Upon being examined for injuries after the incident, it was found Quick Draw had a severe injury in his leg; the shelf had cracked it, and some of the chemicals had managed to get into his blood stream. With a permanent loss of the use of his leg, Quick Draw was forced to move himself about with teleportation and levitation spells, to keep from having extreme pains in the joint of his leg. Needless to say, the bullies were identified and expelled, much to the...distaste of their parents.
Something changed in Quick Draw after that day however, and it was not uncommon for him to go missing during the night. During these times, Quick Draw discovered his cutie mark: a shining, glowing wand, which he always said represents his specialties in magic. Coincidentally, later that very month, One of the bullies was found curled up outside his house, muttering and crying about a voice, and how a shadow wouldn't stop following him.
After graduating, Quick Draw developed an interest in his signature spells, including invisibility, silent hoof-steps, and others, primarily designed to keep him from being seen. By now his family had heard about his frequent absences during the night, and were worried sick over him, desperately hoping they hadn't gone wrong and led him into the wrong crowd. As of late, he's not often seen, and when he is, he looks tired and frantic, as if he were constantly on the run from someone, or something.
Some say he went adventuring and found out more than he bargained for, but nopony but him knows for certain. Things certainly looked dark for Quick Draw, until one day.

Personality:

Quick Draw can be nervous or calm, brave or cowardly, kind or rough. In his work, he is usually on the run and backstabbing others before they get to him, keeping him constantly on edge.
Nevertheless, he's unnaturally clever for his young age, and is generally kind to the few ponies he actually trusts.
Since he was young, Quick Draw always enjoyed a good read; generally mystery novels or the like, and can often be found enjoying a good book, when you can find him that is...

Strengths:

Quick Draw, being a unicorn, long ago discovered his favorite brand of magic. Most of his field involves teleportation and infiltration magic, with a small knowledge of healing spells. As much as it would not be considered a "good" strength, Quick Draw has always been an excellent liar, especially after the problem's it's gotten him out of. The only problem is, it takes time to know whether he's actually deceiving you or honestly confiding with you.  He's also very perceptive, often reading lesser ponies like a book, not to mention his quick reflexes (which some say justifies his name).

Weaknesses:

Due to an injury in his childhood, Quick Draw has a limp in his back-right leg, which is held by a weak brace. however, his injury greatly influenced his perfection of teleportation and levitation magic.
Quick Draw often can't help being a little too aggressive to ponies he doesn't know; sometimes he's even a bit suspicious of his own family, which is often only caused by too much stress and too little sleep.

Attacks (for classic style RP games):

Spoiler: show

Attacks:

Shadow Dance - Quick Draw rapidly teleports across a small area multiple times, becomes untargetable and immune to effects during this time, lasts for one turn. PP 5/5

Backstab - Quick Draw fires a powerful bolt of magic, which strikes critically. PP 10/10 (Can only be performed from behind)

All In The Cards - Quick Draw shuffles his deck, and selects a green, blue, or yellow card. Green card heals Quick Draw or his target for 10% of their maximum health. Blue card restores 10% of target's mana/PP. Yellow card removes one debuff on target. PP 15/15

Final Destiny - Quick Draw unleashes his true shadow magic, becoming one with the shadows and unleashing a barrage of magical attacks upon a single target. PP 1/1

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So, this will be fun. I've always wanted to try making this type of character, so here goes. 

Name: Professor Traiborne Honeydew
Gender: Stallion
Age: 89
Race: Unicorn

History:

Spoiler: show

Since childhood, Traiborne was the adventurous type. More than once, his parents would be worrying sick about random disappearances, only to find their son at the doorstep the next morning, hooves covered in mud with a grin on his face, going on a mile-long tangent about what he'd discovered this time. during one of these many treks, he came home to show his parents a shining new cutie mark (one of the few parts of him that was not covered in some form on mud or plant life), a focused sextant, symbolizing his love for exploration and adventure. When he was old enough, his parents had him enrolled in colt-scouts (they never said they don't exist, so hah.). He quickly rose through the ranks, seeing every badge and every reward as a new challenge to face, and of course, new bragging rights. Upon graduating from the colt scouts, he was old enough to venture out on his own, making a goal to see as much of Equestria as possible during his lifetime. Over many years, he traveled from the highest peaks to lowest deserts, bustling cities to small, nearly deserted towns. Each new place one again giving him that thrill he first discovered in his own back yard. Not until he was a quite elderly stallion did he finally settle down. He now lives outside of Ponyville, enjoying a quiet and restful life. He quickly became a local storyteller for foals on that end of town, and the often flocked to his home to listen to a tale or two, every trinket and bauble in his home with a story behind it.

Personality: Although a kind, pleasant pony at heart, he can (and often unintentionally) boast about himself. Particularly when relating a trip or two of his, not to mention being a little....eccentric sometimes. He also has a fond love of hot chocolate, with a good book by his side, content to spend the rest of his days at home.

Strengths: Although only average among unicorns for his magic prowess, his knowledge of the world, maps, measurements, and lore is nearly unparalleled. He is also relatively fluent in dragon and griffon native speeches, respectively. 

Weaknesses: After many years of travelling, Traiborne is a bit old and slow from his journeys. He also has a bit of a tendency to boast about himself, often without meaning to. To a new pony, he can often seem harsh, but many learn to ignore his militaristic tendencies.

[Lusterless Nova]

May i offer you my help?
The image you use has a wide empty area. Mind if i delete it? Your avatar would then have the same size as mine.

[Link]

Oh yes please! that'd be awesome! 

[Lusterless Nova]

http://img6.imagebanana.com/img/3k2mnzdf/mypony1_by_ylink1d50usap.png
Here is the link.
Oh and welcome.

[Link]

New OC posted 

[Gracie Sky]

These two ponies are heading in the right direction, it's a good start. Their personalities are informative and has a nice balance between unique and typical.

However... why don't they have cutie marks yet? They are kind of old for blank flanks. Secondly, both of their names could use some improvement because they are not typical pony names. I know you're trying hard with these names, but they both contain flaws that deviate them away from average pony names. Forest's name is a bit too straightforward, I recommend Forest be his last name. Flowering Meadows is the opposite, a bit too roundabout, I recommend condensing her first name to just "Flower".

[Link]

Thanks for the feedback! I'm brand new to making OCs, which is why neither of them have cutie marks yet (I'm trying to decide, plus I fail at editing them in... )

[Gracie Sky]

When you do decide to give them cutie marks, please don't make them too synonymous with their names. That means try not to make Forest's cutie mark a forest or Flowering Meadows's cutie mark a flower meadow. It's okay if they are similar, like a twig of a tree or a petal of a flower. Just realize that ponies were given names before they had their cutie mark and seldomly would a parent name them exactly what their future cutie mark would be, unless their parent's cutie mark is future telling...

[Link]

Oh that's no problem, since neither of them have names that have anything to do with their future cutie marks 

[Link]

Update - I'm putting away my current OCs and starting fresh. With Celestia as my witness - I'm going to make some very original characters with a compelling back-story and interesting lives! This I swear! 

[GalvinRoe]

I'm willing to give LOTS of criticisms on this pony if you'd like. I see A LOT of potential hear but I think it needs A LOT of work too.

If you want my opinion just let me know. I'll lay down a small fort of text, you can take what you want and throw out the rest but I'd like to help you on this character . . . as I said LOTS of potential.

[Link]

So it's better than the last one at least? 

any criticism would be helpful, just please don't be too harsh; I really tried hard on this one. 

[Morning Glory]

I see real effort and considerable improvement here! Well done! I'm very impressed.

You've got a full character that has many facets and interest. I have to admit, when I first saw the start of a sob-story, I was worried, but you recovered well. He has a sad past, but he's not hosting a pity-party at all times because of it. The one small issue I have is I'm not sure this kind of blatant pony racism occurs in Equestria. I suppose if they were secluded enough, it makes sense, but remember that Equestria is overall a happy and peaceful place. I don't think you need to change it, just keep that in mind.

I like his job- different from the typical "speedster/wonderbolt" or "weatherpony" you see for a pegasus. Usually it's earth ponies that are associated with natural, earthy things like potion making, but it's a good choice for him- he was raised by earth ponies and he has earth pony blood- it makes sense.

I like the emotional maturity he seems to have despite his traumatic past. Just try to keep it going- if he's come far enough through this difficult emotional journey (he was outright rejected by the people he loves and depends on most for something he can't help- a horrible thing to go through), then he should be rather insightful and mature- after all, he had to grow up suddenly and violently when he was discovered. Although he'll always be scarred by his past, it seems like you've written him as having ventured far enough from it to embrace his life and enjoy himself despite it all. Well done, this is complex and interesting and much more original than the usual brooding depression cases you see.

It's good that he has hobbies, but they're a little bland- cooking and reading are kind of standard fare. There's nothing wrong with that, but just know that LOTS of ponies will share these interests. That's not a bad thing, but keep it in mind.

He looks to have a nice overall balance of strength and weakness. The physical weakness is a good counter to a strong mind, and it makes sense for his character, but don't take it too far. He's weak, but he should not be a complete jellyfish- he wouldn't be able to live by himself. The fears are good, but maybe add some sort of emotional weakness or personality flaw. For all that he's gone through he's got to have some sort of vice or quirk. And in addition to that, include another strength to balance it out. Maybe he's highly empathetic and can easily see through when a pony is trying to hide their pain or suffering. Maybe he's good a puzzle solving and logic, thanks to his work with potions. Something like that will round him out nicely.


This character is compelling and engaging. I want to see what he's like. I want to get to know him and explore more of who he is. You've done very well for your second attempt at character building. My sincerest applause and congratulations go you to. I can really see you put in a lot of careful effort and it shows in spades.

[Link]

Thanks a lot for your advice, I'll definitely add it in once I find a way to implement it. 

[Link]

Updated! I've created a new OC! All reviews and comments will be appreciated!

[The Wandering Magus]

question: is Quick Draw meant to be an "intentional GM's NPC" like Fancy Pants?  Because otherwise if it's meant to be for RP... I really don't want to say it, but in my own, personal, humble opinion, he seems a bit... of a Mary Sue.  Especially given the following line:

"it is said the professor's at the Canterlot School for Gifted Unicorns completely refused to allow him entry, due to his terrifying signature spells."

If he can make professors like Ryo, Feather and Headmaster Crescent and the teachers that watched over Twilight Sparkle herself nervous/"terrified", that's crossing a line in my opinion.

Suggestions (only if meant for RP; the character WILL work for a fanfiction, if written well):
Try not to overpower your character in any way, especially with vague descriptions of abilities that are easily exploitable.
Having a less grimdark character would be nice, but that's just me.
Unless the "rich family family feud" thing is necessary, might be a bit beyond the forum rules about violence and stuff.

My two cents, no offense intended in any way, shape or form

[Link]

Thanks for your advise Magus, I'll definitely take it into consideration! 

I figured I'd try something new with this OC, so I just threw some random ideas I had down; I was very sure he'd need some more work before actually being used in a RP.

[The Wandering Magus]

will look forward to see how it comes out

[Gracie Sky]

Everypony in Sourfarms needs to be sent to the moon. Exiling a child because of his race, outrageous. Worst of all, it's not unheard of that such ponies truly exist in Equestria. After all, we have Pinkie Pie's old family, which definitely was overly old-fashioned. No smiling, no laughing, no parties, just rocks. I'm sure they weren't an isolated family, but part of a like-minded community.

*ahem* Anyways, as an OC, I like him. I love optimistic ponies, especially ones that would have more reason to be pessimistic. Morning Glory kind of covered my general thoughts quite nicely, although she might be overdoing the flattery.

My primary problem is the Everfree. This is a town that exports lemons to ponies in other towns and there was nowhere else for him to go but into the Everfree? This means the town regularly goes through the forest in order to export their goods. that's probably not true, so it must mean the town was basically forcing him into the Everfree. The problem with this is the Everfree is known to be a place where you go into, but never return from. They were basically condemning him to wander lost forever. I mean, I know they are a rather bitter bunch, but they apparently wanted to push him into a cursed forest rather than send him down another road that would lead to another civilized location. I refuse to believe that the only way to and from this town is the Everfree (unless you specifically state it, of course).

I find it convenient how the first thing he ran into in the Everfree was its guardians, the Zebra, who are always where they are needed.

Oh, I want to point out that in his Personality, you should move the sentence about his hobbies into his Strengths, since... I think it doesn't belong in the Personality paragraph. Although... if you move it, it makes his personality seem a little shorter. Maybe another sentence or two about his personality would fix that; I bet you haven't told us everything about his personality yet.

[Link]

Thanks for the critique! The real problem is, Everfree extends quite a distance, and Sourfarms is on the farthest edge, quite out of reach from the areas in the show we're familiar with. The town however mainly exports to other areas of Equestria, considering there's not so much of a demand for lemons in the Ponyville/Canterlot/Appleloosa areas alone.

As for the zebras, I found it quite convenient as well; I wanted him to have that kind of a backstory, but I don't want to condemn him to have grown up eating dead things in a forest, I have my limits on dark things...

And thanks for the part down there, I must have been in a hurry when I edited that part; I usually create OCs and stories in my journal and then just type it all up; probably just got jumbled up a little bit. 

All in all, thanks again for your help, I really appreciate it! Silver is my first official OC, so I expected him to need some work.