Character Critique Thread

[Aged Rain]

Ooh, I would like a critique, please.

My OC is named Curious, and here is his page.

Thank you

[RuneAlchemist]

Hi hi, Rune here~

Rune & Flurry

I'd be thrilled if you could give me your opinion on the both of them, though i'd love to hear more about Flurry, rather than Rune.

[-ReiMar-]

I'd be happy to hear more critique on my character to make her as perfect as I can)) ^^
Just follow the link in my signature))

[Gracie Sky]

-ReiMar-

Though I'm not generally fond of half-breed and such, this character is balanced and explained enough to validate being partially a dragon. The thing that helped sell it the most was that her becoming part dragon was a result of an isolated accident regarding magic and an artifact, making this outcome difficult to duplicate. I've never heard of a crystal dragon egg, but I could see such a thing existing, and thus all the events tied to it can be fathomable. My only concern is that she somehow turned herself into an egg trying to hatch something; I'm not sure how that all equates to becoming an egg of something that has never existed, unless somehow the spell changed as a result of being reflected by this artifact, which still doesn't make perfect sense. But still, I'm sure you could develop a logical explanation, so it's not a big problem.

I see no issues with her personality, although you might do good to provide a broader perspective or random tidbits and such, seeing as it's a bit narrow about her social interactions only. I also wonder if Serpent Scale's personality is the same as the pony she used to be.

About her abilities, I don't particularly agree with her strength and flying speed. Dragons are strong because they are humongous, but Serpent Scale is about the same size as your average pony. Now, there are smaller dragons as well, and those subjects are the best to compare Serpent Scale's abilities to. From my understanding, a pony sized dragon may be slightly stronger than an Earth Pony. I'm imagining one of those youth dragons trying to have a tug of war with Big Macintosh, by the way. Regardless, Serpent Scale's strength would probably be equal to that of an Earth Pony, since she's not full dragon, unless she specialized in physical strength, which doesn't seem to be the case. As for flying, she's either strong or fast, but not both. You say it yourself that her size slows her down, so it probably is more likely that she's stronger but slower when compared to your average Pegasus. I have no quarrel with all her magic being fire related. It's a nice quirk, you should stick with that.

On a last note, you only briefly mention her life before becoming half dragon. Do you plan on developing who she used to be? Will she reflect on her past? Does she even remember it? There's no issue if you don't plan on it, since the character she used to be doesn't technically exist anymore. I think it would only be worthy of mentioning if she remembers it or has a desire to remember it. But definitely focus more on her present self.



Gamepad, your character I don't think I can offer any meaningful critique to. He's a human turned pony, which I don't encourage in OCs and... there's just a lot about him that doesn't belong in the Equestria universe.

[-ReiMar-]

-ReiMar-

Though I'm not generally fond of half-breed and such, this character is balanced and explained enough to validate being partially a dragon. The thing that helped sell it the most was that her becoming part dragon was a result of an isolated accident regarding magic and an artifact, making this outcome difficult to duplicate. I've never heard of a crystal dragon egg, but I could see such a thing existing, and thus all the events tied to it can be fathomable. My only concern is that she somehow turned herself into an egg trying to hatch something; I'm not sure how that all equates to becoming an egg of something that has never existed, unless somehow the spell changed as a result of being reflected by this artifact, which still doesn't make perfect sense. But still, I'm sure you could develop a logical explanation, so it's not a big problem.

I see no issues with her personality, although you might do good to provide a broader perspective or random tidbits and such, seeing as it's a bit narrow about her social interactions only. I also wonder if Serpent Scale's personality is the same as the pony she used to be.

About her abilities, I don't particularly agree with her strength and flying speed. Dragons are strong because they are humongous, but Serpent Scale is about the same size as your average pony. Now, there are smaller dragons as well, and those subjects are the best to compare Serpent Scale's abilities to. From my understanding, a pony sized dragon may be slightly stronger than an Earth Pony. I'm imagining one of those youth dragons trying to have a tug of war with Big Macintosh, by the way. Regardless, Serpent Scale's strength would probably be equal to that of an Earth Pony, since she's not full dragon, unless she specialized in physical strength, which doesn't seem to be the case. As for flying, she's either strong or fast, but not both. You say it yourself that her size slows her down, so it probably is more likely that she's stronger but slower when compared to your average Pegasus. I have no quarrel with all her magic being fire related. It's a nice quirk, you should stick with that.

On a last note, you only briefly mention her life before becoming half dragon. Do you plan on developing who she used to be? Will she reflect on her past? Does she even remember it? There's no issue if you don't plan on it, since the character she used to be doesn't technically exist anymore. I think it would only be worthy of mentioning if she remembers it or has a desire to remember it. But definitely focus more on her present self.

Yes, I thought I explained it in the description) The artifact was "Crystal Databank on Dragons' Pysique". It contained dozens of years of research on Dragon physique and possible fusion spells on "Dragon Chimera" making. "Hatch" spell had to magically speed up the rest of development of the Dragon in the egg, just like Twilight used her spell on Spike's egg. But the spell had bounced back on Scales instead. This spell got altered in a way to actually reverse growth process and to turn creatures into Dragons. It absorbed physique data stored inside the artifact, reversed Scales' growth, and then refitted her basic physique into Dragon's. It's not perfect, since true spell was never finished.
Dang it, I'm kinda lost myself in this explanation. x__x" Spell reversed her development to the egg level, then added Dragon info, and with all that she then developed and grew up as Half-Dragon)


I'm kinda bad at creating characters~ ^ ^'' What should I include in character explanation?


Yes, I thought I said that she's as strong as a young Dragon. No way she can rival a big Dragon. As for flying, she actually uses her weight to accelerate. When she flies towards the earth, she gains speed and momentum which she then uses to maintain big speed. But she won't be able to insta-speed up like Pegasi do)


No, her memories are wiped out, as I said in the description. No memories at all. Her character is also differs from what she is now. A rough comparison: she used to be Twilight, but now she's Rainbow Dash) Still, she wants to find out about her past, but she have no idea what it is. All she aims for is finding her Dragon and Pony parents, thinking she's a true hybrid of two species)

[Florid]

I can already tell where this will go

But heres Florid

[Gracie Sky]

Florid looks fine so far, but I can't evaluate just a picture.

Well... I can, but I won't be able to say anything particularly meaningful.
So far the picture is fine. The freckles are a good touch to that relaxed demeanor he carries. His mane is soft and does not distract from the character, although his tail seems to have a deviant red stripe that his mane does not have or even hint at, for some reason. His vest is simple and isn't excessive, especially since it looks like it ties to his special talent somehow. His name is also simple, which I prefer in pony names. On the other hoof, I'm willing to bet 10 bits that he is a flambouyant pony, simply because his name is a synonym for the word. Still, Florid is an uncommon word, so you should be safe from being too predictable by your readers.

I would still like to see some information about him, though.

[NomDePlume]

If you're still doing critiques, I would love it if you would do Nom De Plume. I would love as much advice as you could give me!

http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=13128.0

[Florid]

Florid looks fine so far, but I can't evaluate just a picture.

Well... I can, but I won't be able to say anything particularly meaningful.
So far the picture is fine. The freckles are a good touch to that relaxed demeanor he carries. His mane is soft and does not distract from the character, although his tail seems to have a deviant red stripe that his mane does not have or even hint at, for some reason. His vest is simple and isn't excessive, especially since it looks like it ties to his special talent somehow. His name is also simple, which I prefer in pony names. On the other hoof, I'm willing to bet 10 bits that he is a flambouyant pony, simply because his name is a synonym for the word. Still, Florid is an uncommon word, so you should be safe from being too predictable by your readers.

I would still like to see some information about him, though.

I'll try to sum him up in a nutshell.

Personality wise Florid is what you would call a "dapper dan man" (or pony in this case) Well groomed, well mannered, polite, mostly selfless, an all around gentlepony, and a 'little' obsessed with his appearance but not flamboyant about it. He tends to wear countless outfits but his shirt 'n vest combo being his more 'iconic' outfit. I won't lie I've changed him up a bit once because his original design ( http://i.imgur.com/3P1IQCT.png ) beginning to look a tad iffy to me and he was a bit of a rushed OC. In honesty I'd probably turn his coat to a brown instead now and remove the streak from him  tail.

[Dark Hooves]

http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=6860.msg849489#msg849489

[ComputerDeathglare]

Is this still open? I redid Pyro a looooooooot.

http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=13516.0

[Gracie Sky]

Thankfully you point out that this is a more realistic Equestria, or I'd tell you that your OC seems to be a bit too negative for the land of love and tolerance. I would like to hear why you decided to base your characters on this darker version of Equestria, although that's ultimately up to you.

First off, you probably should leave out the fact that she is concealing her birth name. Introduction topics should define what is commonly known/widely accepted as fact about the character in question. Of course, if she open about the fact that she changed her name, then there is no issue, although you might want to point such a detail out. However, because she uses an alias indicates it's unlikely that other ponies are aware that Pyro is not her real name, with the exception of her husband/fiancee. Secrets like her real name should be held onto until the time is right during her development, if you had any planned for her.

A lot of the details about her I feel could use a bit more detail. One key detail is the circumstance by which she became so reclusive. You seem to tie it to that accident that sent her brother to the hospital for 8 years, but it's difficult for me to piece together the correlation between the two. Why did her brother going to the hospital make her mature quickly, be a loner, and make it impossible to make friends? Was she dependant on her brother for mental support? I can see that she didn't really get along with her mother, but I don't know why the two couldn't get along. What were they arguing about? If I had to guess, it would be that her mother wasn't letting her do what she desired, which, at the moment, include cats and drawing. A few sentences clearing these questions up would be a great boon to her background.

Now, about her cutie mark... She got it after running away from home. I don't think it's the best scenario, but that's not actually my main concern. It's hard for me to consider this a true cutie mark, based on my knowledge of how cutie marks fundamentally work. My understanding is that a cutie mark is earned during that moment a pony realizes what their special talent in life is. Based on what the cutie mark represents, her talent is staying true to her ambitions. Is that something you can specialize in? It's great that she's passionate, but her cutie mark would be better off reflecting what she is passionate about rather than being passionate in and of itself. ... I hope I'm making sense.

Her relation with with Riptide advanced a little faster than I can believe, especially with a character you've established as a loner. It feels like you're implying that she can make friends as long as the other pony initiates the contact, and the only reason another pony has been able to make contact with her is because she was on the run and currently resting. Even then, it's still a stretch how Riptide was conveniently at the right place at the right time and felt compelled to speak to a complete stranger sitting alone on a bench. Of course, I don't know anything about Riptide, so it could be in his personality to do such a thing. Regardless, I feel the two connected a bit too quickly and smoothly, given the personality and current motivations of Pyro. I recommend touching up a bit and making that date occur with a bit more hesitation (or at least spell out that hesitation).

Finally, she learned animation. I'm assuming computer animation, although I would like you to specify. And I don't know what an MMA is, so it's likely many of your readers won't, so I'd also recomend specifying that one out.

Oh, right, last last thing. I would really like to hear about that rainbow color in her mane, unless it's just her natural hair color. And that collar, too, unless that also is just an accessory she wears for no important reason.

[0jackie0]

Hi, Gracie! Its been a while, hasn't it? I've added three more characters and gotten rid of one, if you wanted to give them a lookover. ^_^

Jackie and the Gang

[Etherdrone]

Classius Von Mayberk says hello!

[ComputerDeathglare]

Thanks, Gracie!

Yes, Pyro IS going to get developed a lot, and this also doubles as my answer for why she's in an alternate Equestria. She's a part of a story blog which is meant to be happy at first glance, but it has dark undercurrents, like Pyro's life.

If asked about it, she'll explain why she changed her name and refuses to speak it, but won't go out of her way to say, "Actualllllyyyy... my name isn't really Pyro."

I always forget to talk about her brother, sometimes I omit other character's backstories because I either am trying to keep it relevant or because I'm an airhead sometimes. He had pneumonia which caused severe brain damage. She had to be in hospitals so often, being in school was almost impossible, and later because she moved around so often, she gave up the effort of trying to find new friends everywhere. She had to be mature because she quickly learned not to aggravate her parent's already high stress levels, so she became reclusive and "small" in a sense. She matured because she had to think like an adult who is respectful of others, than a foal who will pester for things they want, hence causing more stress, even if it is slightly damaging to her in some way. Also, Pyro unrightfully believes she could have done something to save him, although it was impossible.

She fights with her mother over literally everything. Her mother only knew to release stress by yelling at her, and after a few years, she got sick of it, dropped her morals of not causing more trouble, and starting yelling back.

Her original cutie mark was a jack-of-all-trades kind of cutie mark, because this Equestria is more realistic, instead of the general thought that ponies are only good at whatever their cutie mark can be perceived as, they have multiple talents that they can be very good at, but more as hobbies than their general job that their cutie mark shows. After switching her to my Equestria, I decided that this glob of things she's really good at was too much, and gave her one that still fits her, being extremely passionate about many aspects and ponies in her life once she's happy. She doesn't ever know exactly what it stands for, and spend a lot of time pondering it before deciding that must have been it. Also, another interpretation could be repeatedly in RPs, people keep making her a comfort for their OCs, so she is a bit of a "guiding light".

The story of her meeting Riptide is because of a short fic my boyfriend wrote for me for my birthday. I can't post it because of a short NSFW nightmare scene. Pyro would be really shy and jumpy, afraid he might kick her out. And she would be a little hesitated, but she's also drunk on freedom and isn't thinking straight.

MMA stands for Mixed Martial Arts, which is probably another reason why it fits into a darker universe, since I doubt ponies fight for entertainment. And yes, computer animation.

She likes rainbows. She doesn't have any other reason other than aesthetics, same for her collar.

[Dark Hooves]

how's about OC Angel's Breath

she is the first spoiler tag on page 1 of my OC list

[Gracie Sky]

Sorry for the wait, everypony! The holidays aren't the best time for me... and something about Warlords of Draenor.

For Jackie - I've looked over your OCs again and... I would like to know exactly what you wanted me to re-evaluate. She and the others I'm willing to evaluate haven't changed much. I see you've taken out the surgery and went into a bit more detail about her cutie mark. I would like to hear more about how she applies her special talent in her every day life, although that's just flavor that I think would do her character well and is not really required. As for Russ, well... hmmm... I don't really see anything "wrong" wrong with him... I mean nothing I can offer advice on without destroying who he is. He's probably fine as he is, it just doesn't line up with my personal tastes.

For Dark Hooves - I can't really evaluate any of your characters, since you only offer a list of facts about them. Try to include things like their history. Tell me about how Angel's Breath aquired her talent and how she is different from your average florist. While it is useful to know, I can't relate to things like a pony's birthday and her Wing Power. Even things like her likes and personality need to be put into context, which is the objective of a character's history.

[0jackie0]

It was more to see if you were willing to critique the others, not really Jackie or Russ. > w < May I ask why you did not want to critique the other? Sugar Drop I can see, but Thrak it 'technically' canon, which is usually what you like to look for. Is it because he's not g4?

[Gracie Sky]

Thrak time traveled from the primordial ages because he fell down a fissure caused by an earthquake. Now, unless there's more than meets the eye on this character's arrival to Equestria, this scenario breaks my suspension of disbelief within the Equestrian universe. I am also trying to decide if the whole concept of dinosaurs in Equestria would be believeable, although I don't see any reason why not as long as it is sufficiently explained. But falling through a crack in the ground and time travelling I wouldn't consider sufficient.

Other than that, though, I don't see any issues with Thrak. I was a little hesitant about giving my opinion on Thrak because there really isn't any nice way to say "I don't think he belongs". Of course, if you could revise the story and come up with a more plausable explanation regarding how Thrak found his way into Equestria, there won't be any issues remaining.

[Aurora Pen]

i'd love it if you did some critique for my Aurora Pen~! ^ .^ 

http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=13694.0