Character Critique Thread

[Nimbus]

Hello, I was just wondering- is this topic still active? I recently re-penned my OC's story, and I was wondering if I could get an evaluation on him. I have a description on the site, but it's not very in-depth. If it's alright with you, may I submit Nimbus's traits and backstory for eval?

Edit: I'll just go ahead and post the link. It's the description for his deviantart image: http://flyboynd.deviantart.com/art/Nimbus-379992538?ga_submit_new=10%253A1375599561&ga_type=edit&ga_changes=1

Edit II: just looked back and realized that deviantart's not a good source. I'll link to a spot on the forums. http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=8661.msg665916#msg665916

[Gracie Sky]

@TheCreeper3
Uh... I apologize. I cannot impartially critique your characters because they... for lack of a better term, they creep me out. I read about Harmony/Bad Harmony having two spines and watching lights and darks shoot out of their eyes and something about going insane and I tried diligently to read on. I sorta quit once I got to The Creeper. I even glanced at the other two, but they all have so many dark undertones. Of course, you just wanted me to evaluate Harmony/Bad Harmony, right?

On a scale of 1 to 10, I would rate him "Very Creepy"!

[byndbored]

When it comes to my oc for some reason I like the idea of him never finding out where he came from, I'm just not sure how to do that, so do you have any ideas?

[TheCreeper3]

Thanks!!! Just so you know, my user name TheCreeper3, thats not just there to be there. The Creeper is my nickname, everyone who has met me knows me by that, my mother even bought me a dog tag that had my name on one side and "Creeper" on the other. There is a reason that they gave me that name

[Link]

so, TheCreeper3, I've looked for myself over your OC page, and while I will readily agree it's a slightly disturbing story, there are a few things you may want to consider.

First of all, there is a very high chance that you will not be allowed to use any of your current OC's in a RP. The reasoning for this is simple; they're all incredibly powerful. Interdimensional travel, powers equal to that of an Alicorn (and one of them actually being one). The only one that you might get away with using is The Creeper. And even then, I can see already it would mean nothing but terrorizing other ponies. 

However, if you're fine with not using them in a RP, that's fine; they're all interesting and somewhat original concepts, the only theme I see with your OC's that I've seen with many others is an involvement with The Doctor.

As for your last OC, I assume that's a work in progress? The backstory was a little short. Nevertheless, that could go somewhere.

Hope this helped, sorta. I'm not much of a critic. 

EDIT: Also, apologies for hijacking the thread, Gracie.

[GoldenTerrabyte]

so, TheCreeper3, I've looked for myself over your OC page, and while I will readily agree it's a slightly disturbing story, there are a few things you may want to consider.

First of all, there is a very high chance that you will not be allowed to use any of your current OC's in a RP. The reasoning for this is simple; they're all incredibly powerful. Interdimensional travel, powers equal to that of an Alicorn (and one of them actually being one). The only one that you might get away with using is The Creeper. And even then, I can see already it would mean nothing but terrorizing other ponies. 

However, if you're fine with not using them in a RP, that's fine; they're all interesting and somewhat original concepts, the only theme I see with your OC's that I've seen with many others is an involvement with The Doctor.

As for your last OC, I assume that's a work in progress? The backstory was a little short. Nevertheless, that could go somewhere.

Hope this helped, sorta. I'm not much of a critic. 

EDIT: Also, apologies for hijacking the thread, Gracie.

If you remember back to the first post, she said anyone can critique in this thread, not just her.

[TheCreeper3]

so, TheCreeper3, I've looked for myself over your OC page, and while I will readily agree it's a slightly disturbing story, there are a few things you may want to consider.

First of all, there is a very high chance that you will not be allowed to use any of your current OC's in a RP. The reasoning for this is simple; they're all incredibly powerful. Interdimensional travel, powers equal to that of an Alicorn (and one of them actually being one). The only one that you might get away with using is The Creeper. And even then, I can see already it would mean nothing but terrorizing other ponies. 

However, if you're fine with not using them in a RP, that's fine; they're all interesting and somewhat original concepts, the only theme I see with your OC's that I've seen with many others is an involvement with The Doctor.

As for your last OC, I assume that's a work in progress? The backstory was a little short. Nevertheless, that could go somewhere.

Hope this helped, sorta. I'm not much of a critic. 

EDIT: Also, apologies for hijacking the thread, Gracie.

Thank you for taking the time to look over my characters, but I would like to explain something if you wouldnt mind.
First off, yes, they are high powered. The Alicorn though "Gentlecolt Death" He is not a regular RP, I only use him in my abandoned hospital thread where he manipulates the building to make escaping harder for the ponies in it. Then Harmony/Bad Harmony, yes he "could" travel to different dimensions but he is unaware of his ability to do so, falling into this dimension was an accident. He can only open a portal to the void, which I have not done yet since he is rather cautious about tearing holes in time and space, the only thing he can do is tear open another portal that would still be in this dimension, he would just be in a different area. Also I never specified that he had met the doctor, merely that he met a pony with a similar cutie mark, it could have been a different time-lord entirely.
Thank you again for looking over my OC's and I hope you have a wonderful day
P.s. I had a much larger story for my last OC, but the moderators deleted a most of it

[The Wandering Magus]

P.s. I had a much larger story for my last OC, but the moderators deleted a most of it

on this note, I don't know the context in which it was deleted, but this brings up a good point:

always be sure, all of you, to read through ALL the Forum Rules before posting a character backstory.  All the rules apple EVERYWHERE on the forums, not just in RP or in normal conversation.  This includes OC descriptions and backstories as well.  "No violence" means "no violence", 'no weapons" means "no weapons".  If you ever think that you have a good excuse to make an exception, ask a moderator FIRST.

no offense meant, TheCreeper3.  Just using this opportunity to reemphasize that.

[TheCreeper3]

I understand Wandering, but I made that when I first signed up for the forums, I was unaware of the rules at the time, which indeed was my own fault

[Nimbus]

I finally have a real link up and running, if you'd like to review my OC.

http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=8718.0

[Gracie Sky]

@Nimbus
I've already reviewed this OC and taking a look at the small changes you made on the new topic, my opinion still stands. I'll put it here for your perusal.

You carry Nimbus fairly well, but I find him to be a bit wishy-washy. What I mean by that is he does a 180 change in personality because of a single event. First off, I wasn't particularly fond of a pony who succeeded in what he tried without any sort of prior effort in the subject. I'm not sure "naturally smart" can validate scoring 48/50 on an entrance exam (which you indicate is an unprecedented score) without even having to study in school.

Concerning his turnabout, you say he failed a Dizzitron exam three times in a row, which was reason enough for him to get kicked out of the academy. There's a few things wrong with this, if it's the same Dizzitron in the show. One, I doubt being able to pass one specific test merits being disqualified from the academy. Second, you don't make a clear enough connection that the reason Nimbus couldn't pass it being because he didn't study... which doesn't really make sense considering this is a physical activity. Thirdly, it seems a bit rushed to have him immediately abandon his old arrogance and become the epitome of humility. I honestly doubt such a transformation is even possible and even if it were, it sort of takes away from his character by replacing it with a completely different character archetype.

As for his talent, you seem to have it well thought out. As with most all OCs with cutie marks, I would like to know about that moment he earned his cutie mark, since that's a turning point in his life. Of course, if there is reason you can't talk about it, that's fine too.

[Nimbus]

Ah, I see. I apologize for not being clear on the details. Most of your points are cleared up in my story, and I didn't really have a place to put them in my description. At any rate, here are some things I meant to point out.

A few things are different about Nimbus's timeline, including the Dizzitron. In this case, it's a test of flying technique, which would involve considerable study beforehand to actually complete the maneuver "by the book." This could be compared to completing a flight maneuver (I'm currently in a flight school). In my school, we have a "standardization manual" which must be read before attempting a maneuver. Failure to perform any aspect of the maneuver as stated in the book, and the maneuver becomes unsatisfactory. In this case, the Wonderbolts are a very elite performance team, and failing three tests because a student couldn't be bothered to pull out his STAN manual once and look through it is a big red flag. Spitfire explains later that others have failed Dizzitrons and stayed in, but it's the fact that, by all intents and purposes, Nimbus should have passed his test that he's being removed. Wonderbolt's can't afford to be lazy or complacent, and Nimbus proved himself to be both. In short, there's almost no physical aspect to the Dizzitron at all. Any pony able to maneuver has a fighting chance, regardless of wing strength. Think of Nimbus's failure more as a student pilot who, time after time, is unable to recover from a stall. Recovery is simple, yet without a working knowledge of what a stall is and how to recover from one, it can be tricky.

Next, the entrance exam Nimbus took was a flying aptitude test, meaning he was graded in person by an instructor evaluating his flying ability. There was no written test. As such, this would be unrelated to his school performance.

Finally, there's the matter of his personality turnaround. I'd have thought such a complete reversal wouldn't be possible if I hadn't experienced it myself. Nimbus's disenrollment was based on my own, from the Air Force Academy, and largely for the same reason. I know firsthand that having a dream like that completely collapse really forces one to take a look at him/herself. I'm a completely different person now than I was a year ago. The thing about Nimbus is that he was actually quite modest before he applied for the Academy. Being accepted was what changed him.

I'm currently working on his Cutie Mark origin story, and I'll update my character post with that when I have it finalized. Again, please don't take any of this as me being upset. You did an excellent critique.

Edit: I also took several of your observations into account and redid Nimbus's backstory. Since I haven't fully established his past in my story, I used this as an opportunity to get a concrete backstory I can build on later on down the road. The link I posted before has a more clearly-written backstory.

[Gracie Sky]

Concerning the Entrance Exam: The issue has been cleared up. If there is no written test, then no studying is needed. I might have to have a word with Spitfire to add a written test, though.

Concerning the Dizzitron: The issue has been cleared up. If he was removed his own negligence derived from his lack of studying, I can accept Spitfire kicking him out.

Concerning the turnabout: I believe the turnabout is possible, but it should be a gradual process. He probably has no experience being humble, so I think he would need to work at it. In fact, having him struggle to discover how to be a better pony is the crux of character development. I recommend exploring this as much as you can.

[Nimbus]

Thanks again for reviewing Nimbus! I'll definitely work on the turnabout, and I agree that it's definitely an area for some character development. At this point, Nimbus is trying to get back to the pony he was, instead of the pony being accepted made him be. I can't thank you enough for this. It's the first time anyone's actually evaluated him.

[Bane Emural]

Here is another OC I made during an rp I did.
http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=8739.0

and I did do a few changes for Bane, but they are hardly for one to notice. Bane Emural is a pony of secrets.

[Ramisha]

Ummm...could you please just tell me if my pony is suffering from Mary-Sueness? Please be honest,I wouldn't like an OC that is perfect  ...here added a little tiny bit more info 

ps. I'll try to make it look more like Shinerai's reference sheets (you probably don't know who that is so here: http://shinerai.deviantart.com/gallery/40874652 )

[Tiger]

Ummm...could you please just tell me if my pony is suffering from Mary-Sueness? Please be honest,I wouldn't like an OC that is perfect  ...Oh,may I also add that she is naive and impatient,I just forgot to add it until now but that will be fixed. 

Fixed the img 

[Gracie Sky]

@Ramisha
If you are talking about the OC Whispers in your topic, then I don't see a strong indication of Sueness. However, there is very little for me to go off of. The only issue I had with Whisper's past is that you indicated that he refuses to battle because he watched his brother injure his wing in a fight... or was it the brother who refused to battle since then? Regardless, ponies don't "battle" in Equestria; they talk their differences out, for better or for worse. I am generally unaccommodating to the concept that ponies would actually physically harm each other, except for the occasional visual gag (Rainbow Dash getting sat on by Pinkamena and Fluttershy tossing a tourist into a clock tower for example). If show accuracy is one of your goals, I would recommend rethinking that line or offering some serious explanations as to how that situation came into being.

[Bane Emural]

I remade the history a little bit more, added the history behind his cutie mark, his wife Aqua, and a few other details. Also explained a few things about Storm and the era he lived in a post after yours.

http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=8739.msg669788#msg669788

[Ramisha]

Oh, thanks so much! I wasn't really sure about his personality but I decided that he would hate to fight (as in the game you have to battle wolves I believe?or not?) but I wasn't sure why would he hate it so I randomly wrote something. Thanks a lot!