My OC Fluttershy Pudding/Ayame Ito

[Fluttershy Pudding]

Name: Fluttershy Pudding
Gender: Mare
Race: Pegasus
Age: 15
Personality: Is sweetie, like of representation affection to others ponies and is shy.
Likes: Love puddings and likes who is cool.
Dislikes: Hates see someone eating pudding in front of her and hates evil ponies

Backstory: She is a good flying that live in Everfree Forest and do not know which is a cone pudding Fluttershy. Discord did Fluttershy Pudding when Fluttershy was away from home and after that was made, flew afraid of him, she met Zecora and went to live in her cabin for a few days after she began to make a beautiful wooden house and flowers.

Spoiler: Her drawing made for me • show

Spoiler: Others drawings • show

Stanwixbuster

Name: Ayame Ito
Gender: Mare
Race: Pegasus
Age: 16
Personality: It's fast, very antisocial with only the other ponies least with Fluttershy Pudding, she not like they rest against in its mane and is very naughty.
Likes: Fluttershy Pudding's hugs, kisses, run.
Dislikes: That a pony gives a kiss in Fluttershy Pudding, lose.

Backstory: Born in Cloudsdale, moved to Ponyville after meeting Fluttershy Pudding, the pony with whom she fell in love, she did not want to show that you like her, so she decides to go back to Cloudsdale. She always had a difficult life, never gave to any soft pony since what was little.

Spoiler: Fluttershy Pudding and Ayame Ito • show

"We meet again Flut Pudi!"

"M-my mom fought with me"
"Your mom? You don't have mom!"
"Oh... Well..."

"You back! Uhuul!"

"I-I love you Flut Pudi..."
"W-what?......I-I-I love you too Ayame......"
*kiss scene*

[Aradia]

Sweetie OC

[Fluttershy Pudding]

Sweetie OC

Thank you 

[Shadow Mare]

Oh god this writing...

[Ramisha]

Oh, I like how she has a wooden cabin with flowers

[Fluttershy Pudding]

Oh god this writing...

??? What's the problem?
Post Merge

Oh, I like how she has a wooden cabin with flowers

Thank you 

[Astranacus]

Oh god this writing...

Please remember the Golden Rule of the forum and to be respectful to other users.

Yours Sincerely

Astranacus

[sammym07]

Uhm...no rudeness intended...but...her name. I think u should maybe change to something, i dunno, less copy-ish? I think Flutter Pudding or something? Just a suggestion. Other than tht, I everthing else!

[Renatan]

This OC could be good, but there is just some serious writing flaws; and I'm not talking about the grammar and spelling. First of all, I feel the need to address this: Discord made her? Why? I'm not even sure he can create life like that! I don't remember it being shown in MLP:FIM that he could do that. The other issue is why does she look like Fluttershy to begin with? You could have easily made her look any way you wanted to. Honestly, I'm sorry, but it feels like you just couldn't be bothered to create your own mane and tail style and that really ruins the "original character" title for me. I have this problem with a few characters in the official show as well, so don't take it personally.

And another thing: so, what's her relation to Zecora? Are they friends? Or did Fluttershy Pudding just up and leave, never seeing Zecora again? This isn't super needed to mention, but it helps your character feel more 3D and not so... background ponyish  Also, how does she operate in society? You say she's shy, but HOW shy? Does she avoid ponies altogether? Or is she like Fluttershy, not minding them but not wanting their attention? This could help develop her. It would be nice to see more traits than just "shy" as well. Otherwise the character seems weird since people can't tell if she's in character or out of character. It can also become a bit boring to some depending on how you use her. I mean, if Applejack was JUST honest and hardworking, she would be pretty plain, wouldn't she?

So, overall, it's a nice start, but that's all it is: a start. You have a base of a character, but not much more. Ambitions? Fears? Friends? What does she think of Discord? How does she remember him? You said she flew away upon seeing him; does this mean she's scared of him? How connected to society is she? Living in the Everfree Forest implies she doesn't want very much attention. I think this character can become something, but she still needs more work. Something to live for (someONE to live for, prehaps?    *wink wink*), anything! Even mentioning minor things can help. For example, let's say I'm an OC. You could say I'm stubborn, a bit shy, and literate (to cover the basics). Okay, what else? I'm a iving thing, I must have more to me. Well, maybe my creator would mention that I love cats, I have a messy room, and that I don't wash my hair as often as I should. BAM. Tiny details added up to something. Now I'm a socially awkward, story writing, cat loving, messy room keeping, shower-phobia having WEIRDO  And that was just a few small details I added. Anything, no matter how small, adds to a character. For one of my OCs I decided that when she wakes up in the morning, she's a pony who has a pillow on the floor, the blankets scrunched up or kicked off the bed, messy hair, and a bad case of morning brain. I also decided that she has a fear of standing on clouds. Why? She's not the best flyer and is a bit paranoid, that's why! She always thinks she'll fall through and not get those wings flapping quick enough to save herself! 

Anyways, I'm out of time to type and have to get into bed Keep these things in mind, though. Change for a character can be good and makes them believable (that OC I mentioned wasn't created being scared of clouds; I made her be scared of them MONTHS after I made her through roleplay.)

[Fluttershy Pudding]

New OC: Ayame Ito

[GlassMirror]

are they both... Girls?

[GoldenTerrabyte]

I think there's one big mistake here. You say Ayame fell in love with Fluttershy Pudding, but they're both girls. It doesn't work that way.

[Ramisha]

Okay this is getting kinda awkward.

[StaticBoom]

Yo Yellow that's a little closed minded man.

Anyway, cute OC's! I can see you tried very hard when making them, hopefully you'll keep refining them to make them better!

[GlassMirror]

Yo Yellow that's a little closed minded man.

Anyway, cute OC's! I can see you tried very hard when making them, hopefully you'll keep refining them to make them better!

I agree with Yellow there. There both very awesome characters, but going.... That way is kinda.... I'll stop here

[MinorityBat]

Like the others have been saying, these OCs are good. They could be better, but they're not the worst pony characters I've seen out there.

(They're an extremely cute pair, too. I'd love to see more of them.  )

However, they do need a lot more information when it comes to their personalities and backstories. And your grammar could use some improvement: it would make your character's information a lot more sensical.

That's what people have problems with.


-

If you don't mind, I'll try rewriting your character information for you. Don't worry, I'll stay true to what you originally wrote. A lot of it is pretty good! 


(If you decide to use these, Fluttershy Pudding, please credit me!

Also, please tell me what you think of my suggestions. I know it may seem mean that we're judging your characters, but I want to help you better yourself as a writer.)


Name: Fluttershy Pudding

(Please don't use Fluttershy's name. It will make people think your character is a recolor.

Suggested names: Pudding Fluff, Shy Puddin', Sweetie Shy, Pudding Pop)

Gender: Mare
Race: Pegasus
Age: 15
Sexual Orientation: Homosexual

(I know you didn't mention that, but considering Ayame fell in love with Pudding, I think it should be included with this character's information.)

Personality: Fluttershy Pudding is a real sweetie. She is very kind and tries her hardest to show others how much she cares about them. She habitually makes gifts for those close to her and makes a point to be there for them whenever they need it. However, she accidentally can go too far and her affection can come off as overbearing, unless the ponies she's showering with kindness are used to it.

Fluttershy Pudding tends to be rather shy, and her timidness gets in the way of her partaking in society. However, she doesn't let it get her down and she can even be quite optimistic at the best of times.

Likes: Fluttershy Pudding loves dessert food (especially pudding) as well as carpentry. She has a cutiemark for making her favorite food, although she'd much rather have a talent for woodworking.

Dislikes: She dislikes seeing ponies eat sweets in front of her- she's a little sensitive about her self-image and usually dines in private. She also hates ponies who she sees as being evil as they are everything she she is against.

Backstory: Fluttershy Pudding is a recluse and lives in the Everfree Forest as a result. She is rather wary of the creatures that dwell within its boundaries, but is talented at flying and has escaped many a close encounter.

Originally, Discord wanted another lackey, and was curious to see whether he could create life- he was able to mess with the fabric of reality, after all. Operating on this logic, he attempted to do so with the aid of magic, but failed. So he gave up, put Fluttershy Pudding under his spell, and she became Discord's servant until the Mane Six ended his reign of chaos.

Ashamed that she was subjected to the power of someone so evil and feeling that Ponyville's residents would regard her with hatred for serving Discord, Fluttershy Pudding ran away from home (her cottage was located in the town). She ended up in the Everfree Forest and stumbled upon Zecora's home, requesting shelter as well as advice. The zebra agreed to help the pegasus and became Fluttershy Pudding's mentor as well as a close friend.

Zecora taught her that she was a very useful, good pony, and helped her to discover that she was talented at carpentry. Fluttershy Pudding built a small home in the forest, where she still lives to this day.

Fluttershy Pudding is getting over her fears and returns to Ponyville now and then. She even managed to make a friend, Ayane.


Name: Ayame Ito

(Why does Ayame have a Japanese name? I know she's an OC, but you didn't state what her ethnicity was specifically.)

Gender: Mare
Race: Pegasus
Age: 16
Sexual Orientation: Homosexual
Ethnicity: Japanese; also fluent in speaking english

Personality: Ayane is a laid back, fast talking pegasus with a love of everything cool. She is friendly and outgoing, and extremely talented in the flying department. However, she tends to be hotheaded in compromising situations and is sensitive to the judgement of others. As a result, Ayame is rather antisocial and modest about her abilities, preferring to perform in private.

Likes: Ayame is best friends with Fluttershy Pudding and has a crush on her. She loves her very much (although she hasn't revealed her feelings yet) and likes to be intimate with her. Ayame adores flying and running, and admires ponies such as the Wonderbolts and Rainbow Dash.
Dislikes: When ponies get close to Fluttershy Pudding. Ayame can be a little overprotective and jumps to conclusions quickly, and she thinks they're trying to steal her friend from her. She is also extremely competitive and can't stand losing.

Backstory: Ayame was born in Cloudsdale and strived to be her best the second she learned how to fly. She was rather clumsy and wasn't very athletic as a filly, however. That put her pretty low on the popularity list amongst her peers. As a result, Ayame practiced flying and performing tricks until she disputed the claims of the bullies at her school. However, it left her with mental scarring and she became quite antisocial, spending most of her time inside her home.

On some days, Ayame would visit Ponyville. The residents of the town below Cloudsdale didn't know who she was, and so she was generally welcomed there. Whoever caught her flying, as rare as this was, cheered her on, and she accepted their compliments despite the fact that it made her uncomfortable.

The day came when Ayame met  Fluttershy Pudding. Ayame had injured her wing in an accident, and was hoping to return to Cloudsdale with a means of healing it. So she went to see Zecora, and came across the shy pegasus' home. Fluttershy Pudding was initially reluctant to talk to her, but Ayame discovered how kind she was, and found she could be herself with her new friend. They visited each other often, even after Ayame was healed.

Ayame developed a crush on Fluttershy Pudding, and the two became increasingly close. Fluttershy Pudding's naivety, however, led her to be ignorant of her pal's affectionate manners.
Post Merge

I think there's one big mistake here. You say Ayame fell in love with Fluttershy Pudding, but they're both girls. It doesn't work that way.

Uh... dude, if you're going to say that, then you've got to clarify whether you were referring to how love in MLP works or not.

It may not work that way in the show, but keep in mind that these are OCs.

[Renatan]

I think there's one big mistake here. You say Ayame fell in love with Fluttershy Pudding, but they're both girls. It doesn't work that way.

Why would you say that?  :'(

[MrEmu]

Alrighty this is getting a bit off topic people, try to stay away from discussions like this because they only lead to fights and end up getting the post being locked. so lets change the subject back to the OCs.