Asterian Starfall

[Asterian Starfall]

*Appears from thin air* Greetings, I am Asterian Starfall.

I'm a kind pony by nature, and one that loves to study. I'm one for logical reasoning; I try to take a logical approach to any issue, regardless of the situation. I was taken in by the regal sisters when I was a colt, and I graduated with highest honors from Princess Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns.

Read more about me here: http://www.mediafire.com/view/qummdp6wq1irmuv/Asterian_Starfall.rtf

See you around... or not... *Vanishes*

[Gracie Sky]

I was impressed by how good your grammar, punctuation, and spelling were. The main concept around the character, housing the spirits of Light and Dark whom occasionally take full control of him, is intriguing and definitely well thought out. However, the reason he has this power is difficult to believe. You're claiming he was just walking through the Everfree Forest, which in itself is quite a stretch seeing that it is commonly accepted that ponies avoid this particular forest. He meets this "Master" who is actually... I'm guessing Lightness and Darkness that was later explained to be housed in the Element of Magic... making this Master the Element of Magic in pony form? Anyways, the Master first tries to shoo away this pony, but changes his mind once he learns that the pony has no parents (which I also find hard to believe based on the circumstances you listed surrounding his abandonment). Instead, he decides to trick this pony into freeing him from a curse by giving it to him instead or something along those lines. There's more I could digress on this subject, but I'll leave it at that.

Also, you've shipped him with Twilight Sparkle and made him good friends with the other mane 6 and the Princesses. But nopony else. You see where I'm going with this, right? You're making him artificially important by involving him with already important characters, regardless if there's a good reason for it. Shipping him with pretty much the main character of the series is always a dangerous endeavor, especially when you have no build up to validate it, as far as I can tell.

I think you have a Marty Stu here, considering all his strengths and weaknesses. Not saying that's good or bad. However, his abilities are rather powerful... more powerful than they probably should be, even considering all the studying he has done and the fact that he's housing the creators of all of Equestria inside of him. You do a good job of balancing him, but the mere existence of some of his abilities make him superior compared to his peers. A pony who grew up as an orphan through questionable means probably shouldn't end up one of the strongest entities in Equestria.

If anything, revise his ability to Control Minds and Control Hearts. Taking away somepony else's free will is walking on thin ice.

[Gracie Sky]

  There's no need to convince me, I already know you've planned this out. All I do is merely point out what I find odd or out of the ordinary in the context you present it. Your story has a lot of potential, so it's important that you are aware of the way other people might view the events of your story and the logic behind them. Don't take anything I say to be an attack of any sort.

*ahem* Back to addessing your story. Based on the perspective on the Fall and the Rise you have given, it's easier to accept the fact that they are the real power behind Asterian and not Asterian himself, who is actually rather weak by himself. I suppose in light of that, it would be more appropriate to call Light and Dark overpowered, but overpowered beings are not unheard of in Equestria.

However, such overpoweredness occupying a pony's body has yet to be explored. I still find your reasoning on how he aquired these powers a bit too coincidental. A pony who had been evading Princess Celestia for who knows how long was found by a lost colt and he just decided to hand the creators of Equestria to him under the pretense that he would never leave the forest. Not exactly sure why he thought that, or even why he wanted young Asterian to stay in the forest... maybe to stay hidden from Celestia? Makes me wonder what would happen if Princess Celestia discovered the possesser of Light and Dark. Oh, but we do know: She takes the holder to her special school of Gifted Unicorns, or was it special in Astrian's case?

From my observations, it appears Light and Dark cannot exist without a physical host, as made clear by the fact that the Master just dumped this burden onto another pony. That sort of implies he could not get rid of it beforehand and needed another pony like Astrian to come waltzing along. I'm ignoring the fact that Light and Dark assumably had physical forms before being trapped in the Element of Harmony. On the other hoof, it appears the bearer of Light and Dark die after transfering the spirits to another host. No idea why that would happen, but it does stand as the only reason I could think of as to why Princess Celestia would allow him to keep two old gods in his body. I mean... the Master gave it to him so easily, I'm sure the princess could figure out a way to extract it and bind the spirts back into the Element of Magic carried by Twilight Sparkle... or did I just read too much into it? Feel free to confirm or correct any of my suspicions.

Regarding Twilight Sparkle, you need to be prepared to better establish not only why Astrian has fallen in love with him, but why she has fallen in love with Astrian. No, because they both are studious will not get the job done. Their similarities only serve to get them to notice each other, seeing how they have a lot in common, but it cannot... should not be used to imply a romantic interest in one another. And there needs to be a proper amount of development that needs to occur before readers will understand and be more ready to accept a ship between these two characters, and that will take a lot of time. I would stick with "aquaintences" for now instead of "love interest" until you further develop this story and give Twilight a plausable reason to like this pony.

Another silly thing I thought to mention before, but does Astrian have a name tag or something? Princess Celestia called him by name when he first woke up. Is she on a first name basis with everypony in Equestria or did she do some extensive research on him before waking him up?