Kamil13PL's attempt at making an OC

[Kamil13PL]

Hi everypony, this is my first attempt at a mlp oc, I'm no expert on mlp so please tell me if its lore friendly or if its any good,
Its still a work in progress. 

Spoiler: Basic information • show

Name: (( still no clue, anyone good at pony names that could help out ?, I'll just call him... Jeff to make writing easier for now ))
Race: Pegasi
Gender: Stallion
Likes: Sleeping on clouds, magic, reading, going to magic shows, animals, alchemy, music, his family, cake but... who doesn't ?.
Dislikes: Conflict, being in the centre of attention, big hairy biting spiders, shadows, the darkness.

Spoiler: Pictures • show

(( Pony creator image's as I suck at drawing ponies, went for white, purple and pink colours which I believe are the very unicorn like colours, if anyone has a suggestion for his cutie mark I would love to hear/see it  ))

Spoiler: Story • show

Story: Jeff was born in Canterlot to a unicorn family, the family had pegasi in the family but that was generations ago, Jeff's family still loved him even if he was different.

Growing up Jeff was always fascinated by the magic that his family had and would ask why is he different, Jeff was sent to a school for ponies of all races in Canterlot the school was like a normal school but with practical magic classes which were compulsory for unicorns and optional for non unicorns,  Jeff was a very shy pony mostly keeping to himself which caused some of the ponies at the school to bully him, at school he learned the basics like how to read and write, then Jeff also learned some alchemy as well the idea behind magic, in practical magic classes the non unicorns were not required to attend but Jeff still attended as he was fascinated by magic and found that even looking at other ponies use magic was enough for him.

In time Jeff's wings had fully developed and he was sent to a flight school/academy/summer camp, there he would be bullied not for looking different but for being very shy, quiet and acting like how a unicorn would, there were some
ponies that stood up for Jeff and protected him and eventually would become friends, Jeff was never the best at flying but he did good he would prefer to keep on his legs however but he did enjoy flying.

One night Jeff and his friends went for a visit to the pony town nearby, for some of Jeff's friends this was the first time to walk on the ground and not just clouds, for Jeff it was normal him being from Canterlot, he was still fascinated by the town especially all the small creatures running or flying around, he had seen some n Canterlot and Cloudsdale, but the ones in Canterlot were all very clean and those in Cloudsdale all had wings, after exploring the town, the group thought it would be fun to go into the Everfree forest which they had heard stories of, Jeff tried convincing his friends not to go but his quiet voice either didn't get to them or they just ignored him, not wanting to leave his friends Jeff went into the forest, the forest was dark, creepy and Jeff had a feeling as if he was watched by something, the group kept going deeper into the forest.

In the forest, Jeff heard the cries of what sounded like some kind of animal, Jeff ran to where he heard the cries from splitting up from his friends, the animal was a wolf cub probably lost in the forest, Jeff gave the wolf some food food and water that he had stored in his bag, Jeff noticed the wolf had an injured leg and remembered that one of his friends took a first aid kit in her bag, Jeff looked around to make sure if the wolf was alone, seeing that the wolf was surely alone Jeff gave the wolf the rest of the food that was stored in his bag and then put the wolf inside, luckily the bag was fairly big and the wolf cub fit in perfectly, Jeff then started looking for his friends, he managed to get back to the place where he had split off from the group, Jeff flew up to get a better view, it was dark making it hard to see Jeff managed to see what looked like a bag not too far away, Jeff landed and started to run towards the bag, the bag belonged to a filly that was in the group the first aid kit was inside, Jeff was worried about his friends but he knew that the sooner he got the wolf's leg at least bandaged the better,

[Kamil13PL]

Actually wrote something that looks like a story here, I would be very happy if anyone could tell me what they think of this story so far.

[annosrules]

It's good start, and kudos for creating a character before creating their appearance. I just have a couple of suggestions; Pegusi walk on the clouds in cloudsdale, so it shouldn't be too large of a surprise for [Jeff]'s Pegasus friends. Also, you should elaborate on what [Jeff] learned about magic, and whether or not he can use some form of it, or is searching for a way to use it.

[Gracie Sky]

The only I really would like to know is why Jeff's parents would send a non-unicorn to unicorn school. I'm fairly sure there is a school for the non-unicorns in Canterlot.

Still, it's an interesting concept to pull magic into the world of Pegasi. I would like to see what you do with it. I don't know enough about the character or his cutie mark (assuming he has one right now) to suggest a name. I am particularly interested in his quirks and what he likes to do during his free time. So far, you mentioned an interest of magic, but if that's it, then you may want to go into more detail about that and provide some more specific examples.

[annosrules]

No offence, but the phoenix bird is rather cliche, I myself have it involved with two of my three OC's. So if.you want something else there's always the owl, or if you really wanted to, make an abstract or metaphoric cutie mark. Again, you don't have to take this suggestion, it's very nitpicky.

[Kamil13PL]

Big thanks to Annosrules and Gracie Sky for taking the time to read through the story and giving suggestions and anyone else who read the story , I'll try to change the story where necessary and yeah the phoenix cutie mark is very cliche I have to agree, the idea of an owl could be interesting but I'll just keep the picture as that of a phoenix until I get more written might be easier to pick a cutie mark when there are more traits, quirks, interests etc.. or just change the picture to one without a cutie mark for now.