Discussion - Changeling Relations

Started by The Stars, 2013 Aug 13, 23:07:53

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The Stars

2013 Aug 13, 23:07:53 Last Edit: 2013 Aug 14, 23:16:19 by The Stars
Right, forgot how the forums worked here again XD So, Discuss, Comment, anything? Ovo
Heads up!

// Thanks a lot Tiger! :D

Gracie Sky

You should proofread your work, or have someone else proofread it. While I spotted a few spelling mistakes, I can still understand what is being said from the context. However, a few of your sentences just don't make sense or could be done better. A few of your sentences also kinda run on, so be careful about that too.

Spoiler: Spelling mistake in question • show
It had been two years since the horrendous incident known as The Canterlot Invasion, where the overflowing, love-draining brood of the Everfree Hollows, with decisive planning and brute force, attempted to reign over the Equestrians, in the end looking forward to forcing them to work ask mindless, life-lacking husks that would provide them substance and peace for several decades to come.

Spoiler: Example of a sentence that made little sense • show
I had assumed since they seemed slightly similar in appearance and tactics, which made me assume that you were a defected member of Nekropolis, but that seemed to fall in the case of your mother. ((Celestia assumes twice to the exact same effect))

As for the content itself, I don't find any of the characters particularly memorable (yet), but at the same time, I don't see any issues with Price's character design (yet). I'm sure you'll figure out some way to spice him up during the course of his adventure, though. As for the way you portray the other characters, it's difficult for me to gauge until you start using Twilight Sparkle, since Celestia, Luna, and Crysalis don't have prominent speaking roles in the show. But so far, I don't see any problems.

A few things about the storyflow struck me as odd. First, how long has Price been an Ambassador if he still has to correct his own troops who call him Commander? I would think at least over a month since he's been into contact with Princess Celestia and Twilight Sparkle on several occassions. I realize you did that to nonchalantly bring up his past as a Changling Commander... but you sort of already bring that up later in the same chapter.

Second, when Price enters the counsil room, I had no idea Celestia was in the same room until she spoke. I thought she came out of nowhere and was infiltrating this meeting. You probably should establish Princess Celestia's presence and role in this meeting beforehand, especially since I'm under the impression this is not the first time they have met.

Lastly, my intuition tells me something unpleasant is going to happen to Price near the end of August, since you've foreshadowed his possible heritage and a curious habit of that heritage.
Character Critique Thread

Have your OC fairly and honestly evaluated!

The Stars

2013 Aug 25, 15:05:39 #2 Last Edit: 2013 Aug 25, 15:12:15 by The Stars
To be honest, I was thinking this Fanfiction was just too big of a leap for me @[email protected] Normally I would in no way associate myself with the show's characters, but I figured since this is now a part of my character's life I had to do SOMETHING with them anyways. And as far as royal relations, Price has only really spoken with Celestia about maybe 4 times, including this writing, and a couple of times before Twilight's rise as a princess. And as far as doing Twilight... since she's one of the more commonly speaking it's making me even more scared to actually write her out because I'm always thinking I'll screw this up somehow. @[email protected] Part of me thinks of taking the easy way out and getting somebody who can do a roleplay of Twilight to fill in for this XD

And although Price is an Ambassador, he still much rather prefer to take his military role just as seriously as his diplomatic role. As far as why he's still called a commander? Just a little bit of a running gag his friends pokes him about.

You do make a great point... My grammar and spelling have never really been all that great. XD If I had more time, I'd carefully do some edits, but with being in AP Classes in school, I'm kinda in a tough spot with writing this :U. AP language Comp isn't that bad, but AP Art chews away more time than I'd like.

Oh, and yes... Something wiiiiiiiill happen later if Price chooses to forget his warning.  ovO

Addendum to what you said about the spelling mistakes, Honestly, I think I just type too fast to actually understand what I type; I didn't even know that error existed till you pointed it out @[email protected]
Heads up!

// Thanks a lot Tiger! :D

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