Remember to read the forum rules!
Started by The Stars, 2013 Feb 06, 16:58:54
0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.
Quote from: Detective Woona on 2013 Feb 06, 18:49:57I'm a little out of my element here, being a Sonnet sort of guy, but I'll give it a go. Here's some suggestions.Stanza 1, Line 1: That first line is rather...verbose. I assume that's to maintain the form.Stanza 2, Line 2: Instead of 'to and not hold back' consider 'without withholding.' It will add one syllable to that line. Stanza 2, Line 4: You may consider taking out the starting 'In.' This would create a parallel between Lines 2 and 4, and give them the same number of syllables, following my previous suggestion.Stanza 3, Line 3: Sorrow is capitalised but anger and glee are not. Is that intentional?Stanza 4, Line 4: 'Your' not 'You're.'Stanza 5, Line 3: Perhaps 'present' instead of 'give'? Also, is 'as a human being' entirely necessary? Not too romantic sounding, is all.Stanza 5, Line 4: I feel it could be worded better. 'For being so sweet, yet adamant.' I hate the word because. Stanza 6, Line 3: I feel you intended this to be metered. I recommend adding 'And' at the beginning, removing the first comma, and the word 'more,' for that Zecora couplet feel. As this is indeed free verse, you can literally do whatever you want with it. Though if you ask me, free verse is harder to pull off well than just about everything else. It is structure, without form; elegant prose is another term I've heard. Overall, it sounds very essay-like to me. Which I assume is because I am indeed a Sonnet guy, and know next to nothing about free form poetry. So, feel free to ignore any and all suggestions I've made. My feelings won't be hurt in the slightest.Oh, and I always recommend a thesaurus for any poetic excursion. Not all words are created equal. Some sound and look far prettier than others.Good luck, Stars!
Quote from: The Stars on 2013 Feb 06, 19:11:15Anyways, thanks for your input Woona And Good luck with your blog. XD I honestly love your blog's humor; it has that creative/cleverness mixed together with complete nonsense. (Take the event at the prom >.> )
Quote from: Detective Woona on 2013 Feb 06, 22:14:03Quote from: The Stars on 2013 Feb 06, 19:11:15Anyways, thanks for your input Woona And Good luck with your blog. XD I honestly love your blog's humor; it has that creative/cleverness mixed together with complete nonsense. (Take the event at the prom >.> ).....Wrong Woona. I see you edited the poem already. I like some of the new words, but for that first line, abridged doesn't work. How about something like this: 'Though I've known you for so little time, I've found so very much to appreciate.' Stanza 1, Line 2: Try 'towards' instead of 'for.'Stanza 2, Line 2 : You can take the 'and' out. Stanza 4, Line 3: Typo. Also, I suggest 'many' instead of 'lot.'Stanza 4, Line 4: Maybe 'steadfast' or 'blithe' instead of 'blessed'? Within the context of that line and stanza, 'blessed' doesn't seem the best choice.Stanza 5, Line 2: This one just occurred to me, 'inadequate vessels for my true emotions' instead of 'my true emotions wouldn't have been sent.' Just a thought.Stanza 5, Line 4: Something other than 'alas,' unless you mean to lament her sweetness.Stanza 6, Line 1: 'Our time was short' suggests that it is over. Try 'Our time together has been short.'Also, I c wut u did thar, Mr. Couplets. Just tell me to go away if I'm bothering you with all this. I like helping too much.
Quote from: The Stars on 2013 Feb 06, 22:49:03For Stanza fooour.... Hmmm.... Will Reputable work? And btw, now that you mentioned my typo, It somehow made me forget the difference between It's and its XDHm, 2nd Edit done with. How's it going so far? Oh, and I got to keep the word adamant XD Well, a form of it.
Quote from: Detective Woona on 2013 Feb 07, 15:29:13Other than that, it's looking good. Have some padding on standby, she's going to get swept off her feet.