Story Discussion "To My Daughter Derpy"

Started by spytim, 2013 Feb 01, 18:50:57

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Well here is the discussion to My Daughter Derpy, talk all you want!  :3

Gracie Sky

Well, if you must, I sorta wanted to stop reading after reading about ponies dying and Ponyville being reduced to rumble. I normally don't entertain stories that are more about a character than the story itself, but when I read it, it has some potential.

The first thing you do is make the story as sad as possible by destroying all we know and love about the show by means unknown. On the other hand, it does make me want to find out exactly what happened to cause all of this trouble.

As you have it right now, you don't develop the current setting enough, in my opinion. You could do things like go into further details about how this disaster in Ponyville is being handled, the state of affairs in Canterlot, and perhaps what Dinky has been doing between leaving and arriving back in Ponyville.

Okay, so those are my initial impressions after reading the story. Don't be discouraged by anything I say, I don't mean them in a negative way. Just realize other readers might have similar impressions, so if you see any changes you think would improve the story from what I've said, I encourage you to make them.
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Hmm ok Ill admit I almost didn't read this one after the first chapter for a few reasons
1) I'm not the best fan of post apocalyptic settings Now don't get me wrong I have no issues with the idea of death in stories nor that being a plot forwarding device, but the genre never caught my eye
2) your use of numbers in the story, Ok this is an odd complaint but in stories writing the number 20 instead of the word twenty, just comes off as lazy and takes emphasis away from the writing, Again don't get me wrong writing numbers to represent numbers is fine like writing the time, but when stating an amount of solders yea lazy I find
And Third The paragraphing yes I know this is an odd one but the spacing there is annoying Yes your writing is in proper paragraphs But the spacing of them Just makes the whole story look like a giant block of text. It could have really done with another line between them
But regardless I did read the story so here are my thoughts overall

Ok im going to be really mean and say I did not enjoy this story, I found it hard to read and not for the emotional reasons you probably wished for The Paragraphing as I said before It made it hard to read. As for character Well honestly the portrayal of most were off And yes im aware Derpy and Dinkie are Fan created for the most part so can be interpreted differently But still they felt off Derpy knowing what her fate was, Dinkies over the top yet Lax reaction to it, there are to many emotions trying to be acted out at once, then out of left feld you introduce a new element to the story then disregard it, which I presume is very thinly veiled foreshadowing

Overall I did not enjoy this im sorry to say, I probably wasn't your intended audience but the story felt cluttered, Awkward and Unattachable, I hope you will find a way to use my objective view in the future and I apologise for my long Rambles   

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