The Story of Dragon Fire

[DragonFire]

Name: Dragon Fire

Age: 21

Race: Pegasus

Occupation: Military

Cutie Mark: Triforce surrounded by a ring of flames and rays

I am Dragon Fire. When I was born, my birth parents weren't able to take care of me, so I was adopted by another pegasus couple who weren't able to have their own children. They treated me so much like I was their own birth child that I didn't even realize I was adopted til I was in my teens, and even then I didn't mind. I still loved them the same cuz they made me who I am. My parents are Nova (father) and Nimbus (mother)

When I was a young colt in flight school, flying came fairly easily to me, although socializing was another story. Even though I was one of the best flyers in my class, I was quite an introvert, so I didn't do very well at making friends. Surprisingly enough, though, there was one pegasus who I was able to get along with well. Derpy Doo (you all know her as Derpy Whooves or Ditzy Doo) was one of the only ponies I was able to open up too, and maybe that was because she was a lot like me, although she wasn't quite as talented of a flyer as I was. We first met when I saw some bullies making fun of her eyes and tried to get them to stop. All I really succeeded in doing was getting us both made fun of, but at least I made a friend in the process

Once we finally graduated from flight school, Derpy went on her way to try her hand as a mail pony while I tried my hand at a few different career paths. First I tried working as a cloud maker, but I quickly learned that that was not the job for me when I accidentally made it snow in July. Then I tried out the working in the Rainbow Factory, and I learned that I was a great designer, but trying to make a career out of it did not turn out well. After that I just kinda did little jobs here and there trying to make a living, but never found anything that I really enjoyed. Not to mention that many ponies thought I was very odd cuz at the time I didn't have my cutie mark yet. All I knew was that I loved flying, but I'd never really figured out who I was or what my special talent was

One day, I was flying over the Everfree Forest on my way to Baltimare for another probably failed attempt at finding a career, when I saw a mare running through the forest from some timberwolves. I flew down to see what I could do to help when I realized that it was my old friend Derpy. She'd been on her way back to Ponyville when she got distracted by something shining on the ground in the forest. When she landed, she got jumped by the wolves. She was able to get away from them, but hurt her wing in the process and wasn't able to fly away, so it didn't take them long to find her and start chasing her. I knew I had to do something and help her or else the bad situation would get much worse. I tried to get them to chase me, but timerwolves are smart enough to know that injured prey will be easier to catch. Luckily, I saw a hoof-blade sticking out of one of the trees we ran by. Hoof-blade's are similar to swords, but instead of having a handle to hold onto, they have a strap that connects them to your hoof. I'd never actually used one before, but Derpy was in trouble and I needed to do something. I grabbed the hoof-blade, shoved it on, and went after the timberwolves. It was kind of a strange experience cuz even though I had no experience with a blade before, but I was able to take out 3 of the timberwolves like it was nothing, and that scared the rest off. Before they came back, I had Derpy hop on my back and I flew her back to Ponyville. Before I left her at the hospital, she told me I should check my flank for a surprise. When I took a look, my cutie mark had finally shown up

Shortly after the Everfree Forest incident, I got a summons to Canterlot. I was kinda surprised cuz it wasn't from Princess Celestia, but Princess Luna. When I met her at Canterlot palace, she told me she'd heard what happened in the forest. She said that she could use some1 with my talents in her personal guard. I was so shocked that I first told her I'd have to think about it. I'd heard stories about the Denizen of the Night and her Guard, and honestly they kinda frightened me. However, after talking to my family, and getting some support from Derpy, I decided to accept her offer, but I requested that she didn't put the transformation spells on me that she put on the rest of her Guard. She said she'd try to keep from changing my appearance as much as possible, but she couldn't make any guarantees that they'd have the same effect as they normally would that way. I told her that'd be fine. We had to wait til the next full moon, cuz that when her magic was at its most powerful. Finally, when the full moon rose to its peak in the sky, she started casting the spells on me. It was an odd sensation to say the least, and I kept my eyes closed through the whole thing. Finally, when the tingle of magic stopped, she told me to open my eyes. I did so, and I could see everything so clearly that I thought it was the next day, but then I looked up and saw the moon still in the sky. Luna looked tired, but otherwise pretty pleased with herself. She told me that she was able to increase my strength, dexterity, stamina, and also gave me the ability to see in the dark and other, subtler things. Unfortunately, I didn't come out of it without any visible changes. My pure dark blue mane and tail got some streaks of white in them. Also, my Triforce cutie mark got surrounded by a ring of flames and rays. I asked Luna why that was, but she wasn't sure. She told me that I might find out as time went on, cuz if my cutie mark changed, that meant my talent had either changed or I'd gotten additional talents. Still, all things considering, it coulda been much worse. At least I didn't turn out as some sorta bat-pony, those guys give me the creeps 

Nowadays, I'm living alone in Canterlot. I've finally gotten used to the nocturnal lifestyle. I haven't found a special somepony yet, but I'm keeping my eyes open . I dunno if it's part of the changes from Luna's spells, but I'm much more comfortable around people now and have made quite a few friends in Canterlot. I still enjoy going on flights around the mountain, and I get to travel a lot as Luna's emissary to different cities around Equestria. One big change now though is that I tend to wear a cloak most of the time now, cuz I still keep that retractable hoof-blade from the Everfree Forest at all times. Luckily, I've never had a need for it since that night, but better safe than sorry. Luna allowed me to keep it as my weapon of choice, though she did cast a few spells on it to keep it from ever breaking, rusting, dulling, etc. Anyway, that's my story up to date, hope you enjoyed

Feel free to reply, criticize, whatever. This is the first time I ever wrote my OC's story down in as full as I've gotten it up to date. Any helpful ideas would be appreciated and I'll try to answer any questions you might have that haven't been answered in the story. Also, if u wish to have me include my character in any specific role-plays, lemme know and I'll give them a try

[Gracie Sky]

This is very ambitious for a first OC. I can see a lot of promise, but there are a lot of problems I see with this one.

-The name. I would love to know why his parents named him Dragon Fire, even if his father was named Nova (is Nova his real father or his adopted father?).
-Is there a reason why he needed adopted parents or why his real parents couldn't support him? If you have a good reason, but don't want to tell us yet, that's fine.
-He's being shipped with Ditzy Doo. I realize everypony loves Derpy, but she has gotta have at least 100 possible coltfriends by now.
-He saves Ditzy Doo's life. Saving somepony's life is a super convenient way to build their favor. It's like fate went out of its way to put her in that situation. Sticks her in the Everfree due to something shiny, clips her wings, then sticks a bunch of Wolves after her when the only pony in the area is one of her possible coltfriends who becomes instantly good at Hoof-blade fighting in order to save her. (I'm ignoring how one was conveniently discarded within his line of sight)
-Hoof-blades. I strongly recommend against weapons designed to hurt or kill. Fencing Swords are okay, Jousting Spears are okay; those two are meant for sport... and comic relief. I've never seen a weapon brandished by any of Celestia's or Luna's guards.
-Triforce cutie mark. You're combining Hylian lore with Equestrian lore. Nopony should know what a Triforce even is, much less what it represents. It's a bunch of triangles for all they know.
-Luna. How did she hear of this incident if the only two ponies who know about it are Dragon Fire and Ditzy Doo? Word in Equestria must travel fast.
-I was also unaware that Luna transforms the ponies that work for her. It is true that most of them appear unnatural and I never considered the idea that they were actually transformed to look that way. Nonetheless, be careful with this idea.


Don't take this list in a bad way. Like I said, there's a lot of promise, so I thought it would help to point out what breaks the suspension of disbelief with this character from an Equestrian perspective.

However, if you are indeed doing a blatant crossover with My Little Pony and The Legend of Zelda, then I guess a lot more of this would make sense in that context. If it is a crossover, you probably should make it a little more obvious.

[DragonFire]

This is very ambitious for a first OC. I can see a lot of promise, but there are a lot of problems I see with this one.

-The name. I would love to know why his parents named him Dragon Fire, even if his father was named Nova (is Nova his real father or his adopted father?).
-Is there a reason why he needed adopted parents or why his real parents couldn't support him? If you have a good reason, but don't want to tell us yet, that's fine.
-He's being shipped with Ditzy Doo. I realize everypony loves Derpy, but she has gotta have at least 100 possible coltfriends by now.
-He saves Ditzy Doo's life. Saving somepony's life is a super convenient way to build their favor. It's like fate went out of its way to put her in that situation. Sticks her in the Everfree due to something shiny, clips her wings, then sticks a bunch of Wolves after her when the only pony in the area is one of her possible coltfriends who becomes instantly good at Hoof-blade fighting in order to save her. (I'm ignoring how one was conveniently discarded within his line of sight)
-Hoof-blades. I strongly recommend against weapons designed to hurt or kill. Fencing Swords are okay, Jousting Spears are okay; those two are meant for sport... and comic relief. I've never seen a weapon brandished by any of Celestia's or Luna's guards.
-Triforce cutie mark. You're combining Hylian lore with Equestrian lore. Nopony should know what a Triforce even is, much less what it represents. It's a bunch of triangles for all they know.
-Luna. How did she hear of this incident if the only two ponies who know about it are Dragon Fire and Ditzy Doo? Word in Equestria must travel fast.
-I was also unaware that Luna transforms the ponies that work for her. It is true that most of them appear unnatural and I never considered the idea that they were actually transformed to look that way. Nonetheless, be careful with this idea.


Don't take this list in a bad way. Like I said, there's a lot of promise, so I thought it would help to point out what breaks the suspension of disbelief with this character from an Equestrian perspective.

However, if you are indeed doing a blatant crossover with My Little Pony and The Legend of Zelda, then I guess a lot more of this would make sense in that context. If it is a crossover, you probably should make it a little more obvious.

Thank you very much for the helpful criticism, and honestly, this was my first ever time I tried to put my OC's story down in writing, so it is up for a little editing. Anyway, I'm going to try to doe some explanation in the same order that you made the comments/questions.

The main reason I came up with his name was mainly do to the fact that my online persona in games and such is usually RyuOfFlame, but that couldn't rightly fit for the name of an OC, so I altered it to Dragon Fire. I've been playing around with different reasons as to why he was named that, and the reason that I've come up with that seems the most plausible and interesting is something to the effect of him magically appearing before his adoptive parents in a burst of dragon fire (something akin to the way Twilight and Celestia pass notes to each other). Also, the names for his adoptive parents being Nova and Nimbus were honestly just a lack of creative reasoning on my part. I've seen most pegasi with names that relate to clouds, the sky, etc., and I honestly just couldn't come up with anything so I unfortunately settled with the first names I could come up with.

As for the reason he needed adoptive parents, I actually took that concept from my own life. I was adopted at a very young age, never knew my birth parents, and didn't even realize I was adopted til I was about 10 or so. The story of his adoption is kinda my own story put into his world.

I apologize for the whole "shipping" with Derpy. In all honesty, that was an attempt for me to integrate him with some1 from the MLP cast, and I'm a bit of a fan-filly when it comes to Derpy  . But ya, I totally see where you're coming from with the whole concept of getting her involved in my OC's story. Also, my goal wasn't so much a coltfriend relationship as it was just a childhood friend idea. That's part of the reason why I never had it get more involved than with him helping her out of danger.

The Hoof-blade... Honestly, I can't remember off the top of my head who it is, but I apologize to the author of the Brotherhood fan-fic for that one. It was a story I really got into, and I've always been a bit of a heavy RPGer, so I made an attempt to integrate that into my story. I understand where weapons get a little frowned upon when it comes to integrating them into the MLP world, especially in a similar timeline as it currently sits. I guess combined with the fact that I'm personally going into the military, I wanted to somehow integrate that into my OCs story as well. I heard from a trusted Brony friend that your OCs story should be something to the effect of your own personal story integrated into the MLP world. I'll admit I've never saved any of my friends using a sword on a bunch of wolves, but I guess you could say that was a very early attempt at a piece of fanfiction that I've had some thoughts about writing, though I could never decide on what.

Ok, so, on the topic of the TriForce cutie mark. That one actually took me quite a bit of time to decide on, but when I finally came up with it, I went for it on quite a few reasons. The TriForce stands for strength, wisdom, and courage; all of which are qualities I feel I possess. I'm also what you'd call a hardcore gamer, and I instantly fell in love with the Legend of Zelda series when I first played it, so I used the Triforce as kind of a bridge to connect not only my gamer side to my OC, but also the qualities that I possess IRL, especially considering I'm going into the military. Also, if you take a look at the Art page in this forum, you'll see that I posted a page with some of my artwork, and I also went to college for a year for graphic design, though that didn't work out well when I learned that taking something that I enjoy doing and making a career out of it is not something that would work well for me. So, I let my designer side peek through in the cutie mark as well with the ring of flames and rays surrounding the Triforce. Also, for those of you that have seen that same picture on Google, I personally know the guy that came up with that design and got his OK for using it as a cutie mark. He's actually the same Brony friend I was talking about earlier.

Finally, the part involving Luna. I'll wrap both these up in the same description, and a lot of this is kind of personal opinion combined with evidence from the show, not to mention some well known fanfiction and popular concepts. Also, if you have not seen the episodes that include Luna, there may be a couple spoilers in this description, so consider yourself warned in advance. Now, as far as her knowing about what happened between Dragon Fire and Ditzy, I've always kinda been of the opinion that Luna pretty well knows just about anything and everything involving her night and what happens during it. I didn't make it very clear, but the incident with the wolves was a night event, so that may make that a little more understandable as to why she'd know about it. I mean, if she can manifest her consciousness in dreams, it stands to reason that not much that goes on escapes either her and her sister, though they aren't perfect, as the end of season 2 taught us.
The part involving the batponies and transformative magic was honestly something I kinda took from the Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons series. Not to throw to many spoilers at you guys in one fell swoop, but there was a character in the series that was a batpony, and his explanation as to why that was was due to either his ancestors were always batponies that hid away in caves, or that Princess Luna made her personal guard ponies into them and the magic stayed with their descendants. It was an interesting concept and honestly seemed to make some sense from her entourage from the Nightmare Night episode. Anyway, that's where I got that idea from.

Now, I realize that this all got kinda long-winded, but hopefully there's some explanation there as to why I wrote what I wrote. I originally thought of giving my OC eyes like Nightmare Moon's, to fit the dragon concept, but got told by more than one person that that would probably be frowned upon by the Brony community as a whole, so hopefully the appearing in the burst of dragonfire is a tame enough concept to give him his name. The part concerning Ditzy Doo/Derpy Whooves was a rough idea, so if some1 has a suggestion as to a better way to go about the concept of integrating him in with one of the better known ponies, I'm up for suggestions. I was hoping to somehow involve some sort of a relationship, be it childhood friend or whatever, with Vinyl Scratch, but I couldn't come up with anything that seemed to fit. Also, if there are any more questions or helpful criticism, please continue to reply. I appreciate all the help I can get. Once again, thanks for the questions/comments and I look forward to creating a very interesting, yet at the same time very tolerable, piece of work with Dragon Fire's story 

[ShadowHeart]

I rly like your OC and how Luna personally asked him cuz that kind of goes with my story plot. Luna only chooses royal guards or talented fliers personally and only does that if they've done something worthy of her hearing about.

[DragonFire]

I rly like your OC and how Luna personally asked him cuz that kind of goes with my story plot. Luna only chooses royal guards or talented fliers personally and only does that if they've done something worthy of her hearing about.

That's good to hear, and I'm glad you liked it. I borrowed that concept from a lot of fanfictions that seem to use that same concept in some way.

[Gracie Sky]

I feel you should make any references you make be more subtle. A Triforce cutie mark is too direct, and if I recall correctly, each piece resides in a person that embodies it. You shouldn't have somepony who represents all three of them at once, even if you believe that pony has all of them. Embodiment is a much more different than possessing a quality. For example, Fluttershy embodies Kindness, but is she also not honest? Being Wise, Powerful, and Courageous does not mean you embody them. I recommend finding a focus.

This may be a ponysona (I don't know if you specifically stated that yet), but understand that not everything needs to be a reflection of yourself. When authors give content to a character, they typically have only their own experiences to pool from. This may explain why an author who grew up an orphan would make an OC who also grew up an orphan. However, I encourage you to open your horizons and be open to making your OCs more diverse. You can still have your experiences influence things, but they need to be subtle. Having a lot of flexibility for the development of a character helps provide uniqueness.

Lastly, I don't think you should be borrowing canon from non-canon sources. I don't read Fallout Equestria, but I don't think you should be recycling what happens in that story. I think it would be better if you found something more original.

[DragonFire]

I feel you should make any references you make be more subtle. A Triforce cutie mark is too direct, and if I recall correctly, each piece resides in a person that embodies it. You shouldn't have somepony who represents all three of them at once, even if you believe that pony has all of them. Embodiment is a much more different than possessing a quality. For example, Fluttershy embodies Kindness, but is she also not honest? Being Wise, Powerful, and Courageous does not mean you embody them. I recommend finding a focus.

This may be a ponysona (I don't know if you specifically stated that yet), but understand that not everything needs to be a reflection of yourself. When authors give content to a character, they typically have only their own experiences to pool from. This may explain why an author who grew up an orphan would make an OC who also grew up an orphan. However, I encourage you to open your horizons and be open to making your OCs more diverse. You can still have your experiences influence things, but they need to be subtle. Having a lot of flexibility for the development of a character helps provide uniqueness.

Lastly, I don't think you should be borrowing canon from non-canon sources. I don't read Fallout Equestria, but I don't think you should be recycling what happens in that story. I think it would be better if you found something more original.

Hmm, you bring up some very good points. I get what your saying about the part with the Triforce being a pretty blunt reference. Like I've stated earlier, this is my very first attempt at an OC and this is also my first attempt at putting his story in words. I'd have to say the biggest reason that I chose the Triforce is not so much that I feel I embody what it stands for, but that it signifies the qualities that make up who I am. Humility is not my strong suit (just ask any1 who knows me personally), but I honestly feel that I have those 3 traits very dominantly within me. Not to get too much into myself, but I'm going into the military, but I'm much heavier than they normally allow for my height. The only reason they're letting me in is because my body fat percentage is as low as it is, and muscle mass weighs much more than fat. Also, it takes a lot of courage to go fight for one's country. I won't get into the wise part too much, cuz I've made my fair share of "derps." I would still be in college and not going to the military if that wasn't true. However, when I put my mind to it, there's very little I can't do. Anyway, I'm a gamer, and I feel I possess those qualities, so I figured that was one of my better options. I may find something different in the future, but til then, I think I'll roll with this

Ok, as far as the "pony-sona" goes, I guess you could probably call this that. This was mainly an attempt by me to integrate myself into the MLP world as best I could. You could almost say this is somewhat of an embellished biography. It's a work of fiction with enough truth in it to link it back to me. I suppose I could try creating an OC that is completely from the confines of my imagination with no link to my own personal life, but my goal with Dragon Fire is at his base essence to be like myself. Since I have little experience writing, I thought it'd be best to start with working from what I know. I'll probably in the near future create a second OC that is a character in an of himself, but (not to sound to redundant  ) for now I think I'll roll with this

U're not the first person (and probably won't be the last) that has brought up bringing stuff in from other fanfictions. I do very much understand that, and though I tried to make them subtle, I was only attempting to borrow from works that I have a great appreciation for. I do apologize to the authors of said fictions for that, I was not trying to take credit for their ideas at all. I repeat, I'm not an author, and honestly my creative juices at the time of writing this weren't flowing as much as I would have liked. At some point in the future, I would like to maybe write a fanfiction of sorts, but you could say this is a rough first draft at writing something from the MLP world. I do appreciate you bringing all this up so that I could get it addressed. I'm sure if (and when) I make another OC with another story, it'll be very much more original. Anyway, hopefully you guys can continue to find different stuff you'd like to see in the future. Please, if you see anything you'd like addressed, make a reply and bring it up. I'll continue to look at this fairly regularly and learn from my mistakes with this story. Also, if there are parts about this story you like, make sure to bring those up too. All of us like a little flattery now and then 

[Gracie Sky]

  I really like his... mane!

[DragonFire]

Mkay, so it seems to be a somewhat general consensus that my story needs some work, particularly in these few points:

1. I need to alter how I integrate him into the MLP world. "Shipping" with Derpy and kinda sorta with Luna should be avoided, or at the very least made out to be less like shipping and more just a friendship, nothing more and nothing less.

2. Cutie Mark is questionable, though honestly, I like it and I feel that's the main thing.

3. Don't necessarily try to make my OC so much like me that it takes away from the story. Take experiences and such to an extent, but this is a work of fiction, not a biography.

4. Explain the name better and how it came into being. I think the main option with that that I'm going to settle for is him appearing before his adopted parents as a baby in a burst of dragon fire with no real explanation as to who he was or where he came from.

If there is anything else that any1 would like to see addressed, feel free to let me know