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Started by Midnight Breeze, 2012 Oct 02, 02:00:48
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Quote from: Repor Fixup on 2012 Oct 02, 09:55:45It would help more if both the Discussion and the Story linked to each other, wouldn't it?
Quote from: Midnight Breeze on 2012 Oct 02, 20:45:29Have it your way, picky-pants.
QuoteWell excuuuse me for suggesting something that would make things more convenient. Anyway, here's my review of the story.
Quote He starts heading for a place called Puddinghead Road, and that's pretty much it.
Quote from: Midnight Breeze on 2012 Oct 03, 16:49:32QuoteWell excuuuse me for suggesting something that would make things more convenient. Anyway, here's my review of the story.Calm down, bro, I was just being silly! Quote He starts heading for a place called Puddinghead Road, and that's pretty much it.You DID read past the break, right? I had to separate it into two posts because it was too long for one.But, whatever, I appreciate the review. I didn't think anyone would take intrust in the story. Criticisms noted!
Quote-Midnight is developing too quickly. 15 years (I don't know his exact age) of being alone, picked on, and harassed he has spent while living in Phillydelphia. Apparently, 15 minutes in Ponyville can undo all that. Although he is somewhat slow in accepting all this, it seems like his life is finally coming around. That's the problem, you're solving his problems in the first chapter of the story. Of course, if you have more problems for him in the near future, then it partially relieves this. However, I still can't get over how you are dismissing the problems of his entire childhood so swiftly. One's past is an excellent source of conflict, and conflict is what keeps the story moving.
Quote- I can't see Pinkie Pie identifying him as the new Tinker pony
Quoteand using that as a reason to invade his room in order to introduce him to Applejack and Twilight Sparkle.
QuoteIf it were me, Applejack currently has no business with him, so I'd leave her out.
QuoteAs for Twilight, I'd have Pinkie Pie suggest that Midnight go see her rather than Pinkie Pie telling Twilight to go visit him in his basement with her (and then immediately leave to make sure Spike hasn't burned her library down).
QuoteMidnight has prejudice against non-Earth Ponies. So far, this is the strongest point in your story and can be the source of great conflict. I'm curious to see how far Midnight is going to take this intolerance for this so-called dependency on magic and flying Earth Ponies have with the other races.