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Started by OfficerShields, 2014 Feb 05, 13:15:48
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Quote from: DawnsEmbrace on 2014 Feb 05, 19:10:27 ...I...I loved it.I could so clearly envision Shelly's blonde mane swish as she knocked that scum to the dirt, I could just SEE the look of dismay and humiliation on his face when he realized he'd been knocked to the ground by a filly!I could feel that studying stare the commissioner gave to Shelly, the excitement when she realized she had her cutiemark.Well, anyway.That's enough gushing.I liked it.A lot.I have a few things to say though.Since she is a unicorn, and her cutiemark is a set of handcuffs, I feel as if she could have levitated her fathers cuffs and slapped them onto the robbers hooves, thus getting a handcuff cutiemark, but that's just an idea. The only bad thing I can say about it was that there isn't more to read yet. :')But that's not a real complaint, and will remedy with time.I'm curious to ask, was the commissioner wearing sunglasses during this scene? It felt like he was.
Quote from: DawnsEmbrace on 2014 Feb 05, 23:55:44Okay, so here are my thoughts on Chapter 2.Daring Do not being real...Heheh...Anyway, is Ella stalking Shelly?I know that's most likely not what's going on here, but I get these strange, Pinkie-like senses about things sometimes.It was odd to me that Ella knew about the interaction between Shelly and Cal moments after it happened.Also, unless there's some kind of intervention by the commissioner, (Very possible) how is it that Cal, the colt she met rather coincidentally becomes her partner? Even if this gets explained through the natural course of events, I don't really care too much about such a small nitpick.Ending Opinion: I liked it just as much as the first one. No obvious problems I can see here.Though we all seem to have Gracie Sky to politely bring us down a notch every once in a while.PS: I don't mind at all, sunglasses just felt natural to me.PPS: Just a small grammar correction, not a big deal, butevery time I've seen Mam spelled out, I've seen Ma'am. They could be just different ways to spell it though.
Quote from: Gracie Sky on 2014 Feb 06, 15:10:35Most of the components of your story are sound. Only a few issues I thought worth bringing up.In chapter one, Shelly gives her father a head start in a police carriage and still somehow gets in front of him to a destination he didn't tell her about to tackle two thieves at the same time. Also, I find it difficult to believe two thugs would surrender so quickly if they were up against a 12 year old filly who managed to tackle them. Of course, it might be because they got tackled and knew they couldn't outrun the police coming after them any more as the reason they surrendered. Just something to think about.In chapter 2, the only thing I'm raising a flag on is Cal Gold's interaction with Shelly. It's a hard pill for me to swallow, due to how many coincidences happen at around the same time. A new recruit on his second day lost on campus, probably not the top of his class. He bumps into Shelly by accident, because neither of them were paying attention. Either he's trying to start a conversation, or he forgot where the colt's dormitory was from yesterday, unless he slept outside or something that night. Regardless, her friend Ella Raindrop is a professional shipper and ships her with every stallion whom has a 15+ second conversation with her that she sees. And when she ships, she ships hard; hard enough that Shelly actually start giving it thought.This is fate conspiring to force the pairing to work. I'm fine with them bumping into each other for no reason and talking for no reason, but I don't agree with any lasting impression to occur within this scene. We already know that this meeting is somehow relevant because you bothered showing the event, but not every other time Shelly bumped into ponies and had to give them directions. Cal is going to be a significant character and it's good to know the first time the two met. Ella just kinda ruined it for me there with her relentless pursuit of the subject, though. I would suggest waiting until after a second, more significant meeting between the two later on, that Ella actually has a chance of seeing, before she teases her friend about it.