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161
Original Characters / Re: My two OC's
2014 Apr 28, 18:04:43
I'll be critiquing Flurry now. I see you have a lot of other characters, and if you want them critiqued as well, feel free to ask.
You have a clear cut Tsundere character here. Quite frankly, there aren't enough tsundere type OCs around, although that's probably for the best. This archtype needs to be done correctly, or else she loses her credibility as an authentic character.
Now the question is if Flurry was done correctly and what could be done better.
As far as her personality goes, you give barely enough detail to establish her as an outwardly cold character. Mind you, not a lot of detail is needed, but I think it would be helpful to be a bit more specific. First off, it would be wise not to state twice in the same paragraph that she is not a nice pony. On that subject, be sure she's actually a jerk and not just defensive/untrusting. Jerks start or looks for trouble, while the character I'm thinking she is just hates being interacted with due to how much she has been teased in the past and does her best to discourage others from talking to her. Secondly, perhaps you could expound on her flaws, telling us how she is clumsy or unintelligent. Those two adjectives are subjective, so an example for us to compare with our experiences would be beneficial.
On her backstory, you explain that she had overshadowed by her siblings and her flaws caused her to be picked on. That would help explain why she didn't make friends, but it sounds like only one half of the story. There MUST'VE been something she was better at than her peers, but you state no such strength (unless you purposely avoided stating what she's good at). I mention this because I won't believe that there weren't any other ponies in that orphanage who could relate to Flurry and in some way stand up for her. Yes, I understand like her siblings, such friends have the possibility of being adopted, but I think it's worth mentioning that her early life wasn't purely tragic.
I'd also like to know about this one pony who calls her friend, through her defensive exterior.
You need to go into more detail about her cutie mark. I know nothing about it, save it has something to do with coldness and maybe clouds. What exactly is her special talent? How did she discover it? What practical applications does it have in her every day life? Of course, the way you word it, it sounds like you know what her talent is, but don't want to reveal it quite yet. If that's the case, disregard this paragraph.
Now, about this Wendigo business... I don't personally mind that she's half Wendigo, but you shouldn't make her half Wendigo just to make her half Wendigo (for the purposes of being unique). There needs to be a significance to being half Wendigo or else there's really no good reason to bring this fact up. You mention she is resistant to cold, but nopony knows if that's some racial trait or if it has something to do with her special talent. I recommend you invest on developing the impact being half Wendigo has in her life, otherwise it's just a statistic.
To emphasize, she's pretty stable as a character, but I sense a great deal of pessimism in the approach of displaying her characteristics. I don't recall reading a single positive thing about her, which puts her in a darker shade of light than I think she deserves to be in. I'd like to see some good things about her along with the bad, but not just the bad.
Oh, attempted suicide. No. That's the only thing about her that could never be seriously attempted and stay accurate to the show's themes. If you are not aiming to be show accurate, disregard this paragraph.
You have a clear cut Tsundere character here. Quite frankly, there aren't enough tsundere type OCs around, although that's probably for the best. This archtype needs to be done correctly, or else she loses her credibility as an authentic character.
Now the question is if Flurry was done correctly and what could be done better.
As far as her personality goes, you give barely enough detail to establish her as an outwardly cold character. Mind you, not a lot of detail is needed, but I think it would be helpful to be a bit more specific. First off, it would be wise not to state twice in the same paragraph that she is not a nice pony. On that subject, be sure she's actually a jerk and not just defensive/untrusting. Jerks start or looks for trouble, while the character I'm thinking she is just hates being interacted with due to how much she has been teased in the past and does her best to discourage others from talking to her. Secondly, perhaps you could expound on her flaws, telling us how she is clumsy or unintelligent. Those two adjectives are subjective, so an example for us to compare with our experiences would be beneficial.
On her backstory, you explain that she had overshadowed by her siblings and her flaws caused her to be picked on. That would help explain why she didn't make friends, but it sounds like only one half of the story. There MUST'VE been something she was better at than her peers, but you state no such strength (unless you purposely avoided stating what she's good at). I mention this because I won't believe that there weren't any other ponies in that orphanage who could relate to Flurry and in some way stand up for her. Yes, I understand like her siblings, such friends have the possibility of being adopted, but I think it's worth mentioning that her early life wasn't purely tragic.
I'd also like to know about this one pony who calls her friend, through her defensive exterior.
You need to go into more detail about her cutie mark. I know nothing about it, save it has something to do with coldness and maybe clouds. What exactly is her special talent? How did she discover it? What practical applications does it have in her every day life? Of course, the way you word it, it sounds like you know what her talent is, but don't want to reveal it quite yet. If that's the case, disregard this paragraph.
Now, about this Wendigo business... I don't personally mind that she's half Wendigo, but you shouldn't make her half Wendigo just to make her half Wendigo (for the purposes of being unique). There needs to be a significance to being half Wendigo or else there's really no good reason to bring this fact up. You mention she is resistant to cold, but nopony knows if that's some racial trait or if it has something to do with her special talent. I recommend you invest on developing the impact being half Wendigo has in her life, otherwise it's just a statistic.
To emphasize, she's pretty stable as a character, but I sense a great deal of pessimism in the approach of displaying her characteristics. I don't recall reading a single positive thing about her, which puts her in a darker shade of light than I think she deserves to be in. I'd like to see some good things about her along with the bad, but not just the bad.
Oh, attempted suicide. No. That's the only thing about her that could never be seriously attempted and stay accurate to the show's themes. If you are not aiming to be show accurate, disregard this paragraph.
162
Original Characters / Re: Curious
2014 Apr 21, 17:22:15
Ah, the pursuit of knowledge and experiences, I do enjoy reading about those kinds of ponies.
Let's see here, we have an average Pegasus who fell out of Cloudsdale and discovered he loved the ground and all the wonders on it. This does remind me of a certain shy pony that I know. Of course, it looks like Curious is of a completely different breed of personality, though.
My thoughts on him are a bit scattered, since the details you give about him are scattered. You provide his reaction to a hoofful of possible scenarios, although I'm of the opinion half of them don't particularly need to be stated. It would be better if you took them and found two or three good sentences that describe his typical demeanor. Only specifically bring up a scenario if his reaction deviates from his normal behavior and somehow is significant to know.
Concerning his history, I do find it a bit odd that he would love the ground so much that he would run away from home. It's kind of like saying he loves his fascination of the wonders of the world more than he loves his parents. Now, if he were a little older, old enough to be independant, it would make more sense, but he wouldn't have to run away in that situation. I think it would be better if his parents simply allowed him to go fulfill his purpose.
A few other things I need to point out. One, his name is convenient. It matches up with his cutie mark and his special talent a little bit too nicely. It brings me to the point where I question why his parents named him something so specific as "Curious". I doubt they knew at the time of naming him that he would actually be a curious pony who would be destined to explore all of Equestria.
Two, I'm concerned about how suddenly his cutie mark appeared. Yes, I am also aware the Fluttershy earned hers in a similarly sudden fashion, which I didn't really approve of myself. I would like a bit more lead up to his experiences with being curious in his history. Or at least something to express that he had a curious nature before he got his cutie mark, so we know he didn't suddenly become curious when he hit the ground.
Other than that, a strong character.
Let's see here, we have an average Pegasus who fell out of Cloudsdale and discovered he loved the ground and all the wonders on it. This does remind me of a certain shy pony that I know. Of course, it looks like Curious is of a completely different breed of personality, though.
My thoughts on him are a bit scattered, since the details you give about him are scattered. You provide his reaction to a hoofful of possible scenarios, although I'm of the opinion half of them don't particularly need to be stated. It would be better if you took them and found two or three good sentences that describe his typical demeanor. Only specifically bring up a scenario if his reaction deviates from his normal behavior and somehow is significant to know.
Concerning his history, I do find it a bit odd that he would love the ground so much that he would run away from home. It's kind of like saying he loves his fascination of the wonders of the world more than he loves his parents. Now, if he were a little older, old enough to be independant, it would make more sense, but he wouldn't have to run away in that situation. I think it would be better if his parents simply allowed him to go fulfill his purpose.
A few other things I need to point out. One, his name is convenient. It matches up with his cutie mark and his special talent a little bit too nicely. It brings me to the point where I question why his parents named him something so specific as "Curious". I doubt they knew at the time of naming him that he would actually be a curious pony who would be destined to explore all of Equestria.
Two, I'm concerned about how suddenly his cutie mark appeared. Yes, I am also aware the Fluttershy earned hers in a similarly sudden fashion, which I didn't really approve of myself. I would like a bit more lead up to his experiences with being curious in his history. Or at least something to express that he had a curious nature before he got his cutie mark, so we know he didn't suddenly become curious when he hit the ground.
Other than that, a strong character.
163
Original Characters / Second Fastest Pegasus Race!
2014 Apr 17, 18:25:18
One day, Rainbow Dash decided to hold a contest to find the second fastest Pegasus in Equestria for fun; certainly not to scout out for potential competition. She posted posters for the contest all over the corners of Equestria and every place in between. Rainbow Dash made it clear on the posters that she would be the only judge. She would have to cut all ties with friends and family and judge the contestants solely based on their speed... and of course their coolness.
This contest lasts one week.
The rules are simple:
-Each user is allowed to submit up to three Pegasi.
-Each entry should list the Pegasus's name, picture (optional), and a single sentence related to the Pegasus. Nothing more.
-Each entry should be in spoiler tags so other users don't accidentally see your entry too early.
-No submission should in any way contain or imply anything about Rainbow Dash.
-No submission should be edited after being posted. If you think up a new entry after the first post, submit that in a new post.
-You may look at other submissions after you've submitted your initial ponies.
Note: This is simply an exercise to encourage users to think up creative "fast themed" pony names while the open servers are going. There is no reward, the winner will be picked on a dartboard, figuratively speaking. Don't be concerned if your pony's name has already been submitted by another user. I asked for them to be hidden so you wouldn't be discouraged from posting a duplicate, so long as you thought up the name, it's fine to submit it.
Remember: Don't reference Rainbow Dash. No mentioning her at all. Don't even look at her; she has shades on and is impossible to recognize now. Ignore the rainbow colored mane and tail!
My Examples:
Good luck, everypony!
This contest lasts one week.
The rules are simple:
-Each user is allowed to submit up to three Pegasi.
-Each entry should list the Pegasus's name, picture (optional), and a single sentence related to the Pegasus. Nothing more.
-Each entry should be in spoiler tags so other users don't accidentally see your entry too early.
-No submission should in any way contain or imply anything about Rainbow Dash.
-No submission should be edited after being posted. If you think up a new entry after the first post, submit that in a new post.
-You may look at other submissions after you've submitted your initial ponies.
Note: This is simply an exercise to encourage users to think up creative "fast themed" pony names while the open servers are going. There is no reward, the winner will be picked on a dartboard, figuratively speaking. Don't be concerned if your pony's name has already been submitted by another user. I asked for them to be hidden so you wouldn't be discouraged from posting a duplicate, so long as you thought up the name, it's fine to submit it.
Remember: Don't reference Rainbow Dash. No mentioning her at all. Don't even look at her; she has shades on and is impossible to recognize now. Ignore the rainbow colored mane and tail!
My Examples:
Spoiler: show
Spoiler: show
Spoiler: show
Good luck, everypony!
164
Original Characters / Re: Dark Hooves OC list
2014 Apr 17, 14:57:29
I'm not too sure about the "previously unrealized knowledge of dragon breeding" bit after she discovers the dragon egg and her cutie mark. It may be true that she possesses a lot of natural talent for things concerning dragon breeding, but knowledge is something that doesn't automatically come with the territory. You need to study in order to learn the knowledge. If she found the egg and then poured the rest of her time into learning about breeding, she would be a much more believable character.
Other than that, I think she may be a bit incomplete. All I know about her is that she lives in Canterlot and gets bullied.
Other than that, I think she may be a bit incomplete. All I know about her is that she lives in Canterlot and gets bullied.
165
Original Characters / Re: Whats your favorite type of pony and/or what type is your OC
2014 Apr 06, 17:27:53
I like and appreicate all races equally! I don't really have a favorite, to be honest. I'm far more interested in the character of the pony than his or her race.
... But if I had to choose, I'd most likely say a Pegasus.
... But if I had to choose, I'd most likely say a Pegasus.
166
Original Characters / Re: Character Critique Thread
2014 Mar 29, 17:18:23
Being trapped in the dream world is a very delicate subject.
There would be a ton of explanations that would need to be given out if you were to take this sort of road. First off, you'd need to answer why he got trapped in the dream world, since most ponies tend to wake up when morning comes. The very idea of being trapped in the dream world is something more akin to a coma. Secondly, if he was in there for most of his childhood before Luna saved him, why did it take Luna so long to rescue him?
If you can give reasonable explanations to those points I presented, you might be able to pull it off.
There would be a ton of explanations that would need to be given out if you were to take this sort of road. First off, you'd need to answer why he got trapped in the dream world, since most ponies tend to wake up when morning comes. The very idea of being trapped in the dream world is something more akin to a coma. Secondly, if he was in there for most of his childhood before Luna saved him, why did it take Luna so long to rescue him?
If you can give reasonable explanations to those points I presented, you might be able to pull it off.
167
Original Characters / Re: Here's my OC .-.
2014 Mar 25, 15:48:37
Just a friendly reminder that ponies using weapons outside of props are against the forum rules. I strongly recommend changing the bit about the sword.
168
Original Characters / Re: Lucidity
2014 Mar 10, 22:00:18
It's okay with me. I'm sure they at least take a look at it. In fact, if they don't reply, I perceive it as they don't have any problems with it. I mean, I know if all I had to say was "I like your OC", I probably wouldn't say just that. ... Well, as a critiquer, I'd probably say a bit more, but there aren't many other critiquers on the forums. Although thank you for the feedback!
And yes, she'd get along very well with any other night pony. She's a bit bias like that. I'm not a big Luna fan, but her potential as a character is soooooo much greater than Princess Celestia. I appreciate her as a character and constantly explore the possibilities. Lucidity is an extension of one of those possibilities, the Luna version of the School for Gifted Ponies.
And yes, she'd get along very well with any other night pony. She's a bit bias like that. I'm not a big Luna fan, but her potential as a character is soooooo much greater than Princess Celestia. I appreciate her as a character and constantly explore the possibilities. Lucidity is an extension of one of those possibilities, the Luna version of the School for Gifted Ponies.
169
Original Characters / Re: If I were a pony, this is who I'd be!
2014 Mar 10, 21:49:33
It's really difficult to critique a ponysona. Saying something bad about a ponysona is indirectly saying something bad about the author, which I try to avoid at all costs. The only thing I could really comment on is he delivery, which yes... I suppose there are a few delivery problems in this. I guess I could also offer methods that would help give greater details on the character, which I have a few in mind.
The main issue is spelling and grammar. I realize you're writing freely and unfiltered, but I tend not to find the smilies and the comments in parenthesis appealing. The smilies and parenthesis aren't a big issue, since it's more of an issue in professionalism, but you should at least make sure all your words are spelled correctly.
From reading about this character... I have deduced he likes tea. I will let you know the third time you repeat it does not emphasize it any further unless it's part of a joke. Still, I would like to know more about this love of tea. Go into extensive detail about his experiences with tea. He's shy, but why is that? Why would a shy pony want to be a professional aerial performer like a Wonderbolt? I think you should focus on describing his most dominant features, rather than going down a checklist of everything you know about him.
The main issue is spelling and grammar. I realize you're writing freely and unfiltered, but I tend not to find the smilies and the comments in parenthesis appealing. The smilies and parenthesis aren't a big issue, since it's more of an issue in professionalism, but you should at least make sure all your words are spelled correctly.
From reading about this character... I have deduced he likes tea. I will let you know the third time you repeat it does not emphasize it any further unless it's part of a joke. Still, I would like to know more about this love of tea. Go into extensive detail about his experiences with tea. He's shy, but why is that? Why would a shy pony want to be a professional aerial performer like a Wonderbolt? I think you should focus on describing his most dominant features, rather than going down a checklist of everything you know about him.
170
Original Characters / Re: My OC, Hazed Chorus
2014 Mar 04, 19:56:46
I'm going to warn you right now that this pony wields a weapon, which is against the forum rules unless it's a prop. If a forum moderator sees this, this topic could possibly be locked. I strongly recommend changing this as soon as you can, at which point I will properly critique the character.
171
Original Characters / Re: Pony OC: Design and Resources!
2014 Feb 21, 17:10:27
While I have no trouble developing a personality and a backstory for ponies, I always seem to get stuck when trying to give OCs a visual appearance. I always seem to make something generic or let pony creator make something for me. It's the hair, really. Every time I try to add something different, it makes it look wierd.
But then again, simple is best. I'll figure out how to also make them unquie after some practice.
And those hair tutorials only showed me that everyone but me knows how to make manes
But then again, simple is best. I'll figure out how to also make them unquie after some practice.
And those hair tutorials only showed me that everyone but me knows how to make manes
172
Original Characters / Re: Character Critique Thread
2014 Feb 17, 03:40:20
While I do have a few things to say about Foolin', I don't have a lot of material about him to critique. He has the mindset and talent pool consistent with that of a comedian, but that's the extent of my knowledge of him. It would help immensely if you not only said he was good at something like boxing, but explained exactly how good at boxing he was or how he is different from other boxers. Hightlights of his boxing career would do nicely.
Except you want such examples of his comedian career as well, of course.
And boxing ponies seems a bit off to me, but I've seen jousting and fencing ponies, so boxing isn't that far of a stretch as long as you can sell it.
I find "Foolin'" to be more of a nickname than a name given to one by their parents. Just wanted to let you know, and hopefully that was what you had in mind already.
Except you want such examples of his comedian career as well, of course.
And boxing ponies seems a bit off to me, but I've seen jousting and fencing ponies, so boxing isn't that far of a stretch as long as you can sell it.
I find "Foolin'" to be more of a nickname than a name given to one by their parents. Just wanted to let you know, and hopefully that was what you had in mind already.
173
Original Characters / Re: Character Critique Thread
2014 Feb 10, 17:09:53
Lunar Composer
I like him. He's very well balanced and doesn't have any overwhelming personality traits, yet is still distinguishable. I'm a tad bit surprised he hasn't met another starcharting pony or joined an astrology club or something of the sort, but I guess there's still plenty of time for things like that.
I most enjoy how you bring up many of the aspects behind a pony name in Equestria, the main one being heritage. He was expected to be a musician, so was named accordingly... except for the "Lunar" part, I don't know what that has to do with music. Anyways... this conflict between his real passion and the passion his parents want him to have serves as a gigantic opportunity to develop him into something truly unique. The best advice I could offer to a character like this (if you haven't considered it already, that is) is to evolve his talent of starcharting by means of influencing it with the music that his parents tried to pass on to him. Perhaps something like being able to compose music based on the alignment of the stars in his starcharts. STAR MUSIC, the stars are the notes!!! It would porbably sound horrible... or it might not! But still, if you did something like this, I'm sure his parents would be really happy that all their efforts weren't in vain. It would also help justify all those tedious hours he spent learning music and maybe even help broaden his perspectives on thing [I]not[/I] starcharting. It would definitely make me say "That's something new!".
Oh... I guess I should ask what he does in the daytime. I assume he's asleep in the day.
Uh... the vials of Poison Joke and the desire to walk even within 100 yards of the Everfree... I'm still a bit skeptical of those aspects of him unless you provide more reasoning behind why he would use Poison Joke as a weapon and why he would go to a forest everypony is afraid of. It's kinda mean to force Poison Joke on other ponies, even if they deserve it. Does Lunar Composer also possess the cure for Poison Joke, so that he can correct his past sinister deeds? Nopony goes into the Everfree for a reason: it's dangerous. Even if it really weren't dangerous, I don't see how a pony could accidentally figure that out. I know Zecora lives there and is fine and dandy, but we are talking about a pony who grew up in a sheltered environment seeing past the danger all ponies have been conditioned to avoid. It merits and explanation.
Last thing I wanted to bring up is auto-biographies. Other than the fact that most authors are conditioned to do the standard format, there are a few flaws with auto-biographies that stand as reasons as to why I personally don't use them. First off, characters are partial towards themselves, for good or for bad. I don't buy it if a pony says "My weakness is I'm timid". It's just not as authentic when you are talking about yourself... you know... like tooting your own horn. There's going to be bias that will interfere with the facts of the character. Having a third person narrator explain the character is a generally safer, albeit less interesting road to take. I will admit an auto-biography does help the reader know the personality of the character more, but you can illustrate a personality in a single sentence, which is why I have more recently included one-liners for my OCs.
The other issue is characters tend to rant about themselves when they get in the moment. Yours is a prime example. Their emotions cause them to stray away from the facts and digress in any which way. There IS a line where a reader will choose not to read something due to its length. Of course, this line is different for everypony, but cluttering the biography with the character's two cents for every event that has happened to them will get in the way at some point.
Don't get the wrong idea. There's nothing wrong with auto-biographies. If you want to use them, more power to you. I would recommend not... sounding too upset by the fact that others don't use them, though. The best thing you could do is make an auto-biography and if other people like the style, they will mimic it themselves.
I like him. He's very well balanced and doesn't have any overwhelming personality traits, yet is still distinguishable. I'm a tad bit surprised he hasn't met another starcharting pony or joined an astrology club or something of the sort, but I guess there's still plenty of time for things like that.
I most enjoy how you bring up many of the aspects behind a pony name in Equestria, the main one being heritage. He was expected to be a musician, so was named accordingly... except for the "Lunar" part, I don't know what that has to do with music. Anyways... this conflict between his real passion and the passion his parents want him to have serves as a gigantic opportunity to develop him into something truly unique. The best advice I could offer to a character like this (if you haven't considered it already, that is) is to evolve his talent of starcharting by means of influencing it with the music that his parents tried to pass on to him. Perhaps something like being able to compose music based on the alignment of the stars in his starcharts. STAR MUSIC, the stars are the notes!!! It would porbably sound horrible... or it might not! But still, if you did something like this, I'm sure his parents would be really happy that all their efforts weren't in vain. It would also help justify all those tedious hours he spent learning music and maybe even help broaden his perspectives on thing [I]not[/I] starcharting. It would definitely make me say "That's something new!".
Oh... I guess I should ask what he does in the daytime. I assume he's asleep in the day.
Uh... the vials of Poison Joke and the desire to walk even within 100 yards of the Everfree... I'm still a bit skeptical of those aspects of him unless you provide more reasoning behind why he would use Poison Joke as a weapon and why he would go to a forest everypony is afraid of. It's kinda mean to force Poison Joke on other ponies, even if they deserve it. Does Lunar Composer also possess the cure for Poison Joke, so that he can correct his past sinister deeds? Nopony goes into the Everfree for a reason: it's dangerous. Even if it really weren't dangerous, I don't see how a pony could accidentally figure that out. I know Zecora lives there and is fine and dandy, but we are talking about a pony who grew up in a sheltered environment seeing past the danger all ponies have been conditioned to avoid. It merits and explanation.
Last thing I wanted to bring up is auto-biographies. Other than the fact that most authors are conditioned to do the standard format, there are a few flaws with auto-biographies that stand as reasons as to why I personally don't use them. First off, characters are partial towards themselves, for good or for bad. I don't buy it if a pony says "My weakness is I'm timid". It's just not as authentic when you are talking about yourself... you know... like tooting your own horn. There's going to be bias that will interfere with the facts of the character. Having a third person narrator explain the character is a generally safer, albeit less interesting road to take. I will admit an auto-biography does help the reader know the personality of the character more, but you can illustrate a personality in a single sentence, which is why I have more recently included one-liners for my OCs.
The other issue is characters tend to rant about themselves when they get in the moment. Yours is a prime example. Their emotions cause them to stray away from the facts and digress in any which way. There IS a line where a reader will choose not to read something due to its length. Of course, this line is different for everypony, but cluttering the biography with the character's two cents for every event that has happened to them will get in the way at some point.
Don't get the wrong idea. There's nothing wrong with auto-biographies. If you want to use them, more power to you. I would recommend not... sounding too upset by the fact that others don't use them, though. The best thing you could do is make an auto-biography and if other people like the style, they will mimic it themselves.
174
Original Characters / Re: Shelly Shields, Ponyville Police Pony
2014 Feb 05, 19:41:12
I'm actually a bit worried what this "outside the law" and this "corrupt commissioner" business is. I think somepony needs to inform Princess Celestia to give a surprise evaluation for the law enforcement in Manehatten.
I also find it difficult to see her unable to support herself considering how much she excels at getting things done through any means.
I also find it difficult to see her unable to support herself considering how much she excels at getting things done through any means.
175
Original Characters / Re: Character Critique Thread
2014 Feb 05, 19:33:42
I'll be addressing multiple characters in order they appeared after Blindside.
Starshell:
She's a quaint pony and it looks like she can do her job efficiently. But, other than that, you've told me that she is a talent agent. If that's all you can tell me about her, or all that's important about her, she will be a supportive character at best (when a situation calls for a talent agent). Other than where she was born and her build up to be a talent agent, I know little about her, including things like her personality, friends/acquaintances, and her upbringing. Of course, if she is designed to be supportive, none of this is required.
One thing about her talent, though. It does seem a bit odd that she has been in many school plays and spoken with many actors and then wanted to start looking to this line of work for her cutie mark. I think it would make her special talent carry more authority if you established a history of her being able to "find the right pony for the right job". This would mean she needs a natural eye for detail and exceptional problem solving skills.
She just needs a bit more work, but she has some promise.
Arken Wyrmwald:
I think he's too far out there to be a realistic character in an Equestrian setting. It's that costume, really. It just screams "I'm up to no good". Does he really go out in public wearing that? His mysterious nature adds to any suspicious a pony would have of him. Now... could an organization that strives for racial and gender equality exist in Equestria? I wouldn't put it past me, but the issue here is that it's illegal for some reason. I would expect more of a union than a secret agent organization.
Although the existence of an organization like this brings up the question of whether or not ponies think they are being discriminated against due to their race and gender. I always imagined most ponies being proud of who they were and not judging others, but there is room for the possibility that there are ponies who aren't.
As for Arken himself... I'd say something if I knew anything about him, but he is shrouded in mystery. He has a family and he is good at fighting and he works for an illegal organization.
Since you're still developing him, I'm sure there's a lot more about him you have in store; just keep the things I just mentioned in mind as you continue to develop him.
West Star:
Uh... hmm... Great so far, but I know literally about 15 seconds worth of time about him. He appeared with certain memories in tact and all other memories lost or hidden. He names himself and starts looking for Laserbolt. I'm not sure what I could suggest to make the character better without asking you reveal something you want to keep hidden in his most likely tragic backstory. If anything, though, try to describe him maybe about a day's worth of time living among ponies who don't know his identity. Describe his tendencies and dominant personality traits that other ponies would observe from him. They don't even need to talk to him, although getting some words out of him would allow the reader to know more about his social habits.
And don't compare him to another pony when describing his appearance. I have no idea what Laserbolt looks like.
Starshell:
She's a quaint pony and it looks like she can do her job efficiently. But, other than that, you've told me that she is a talent agent. If that's all you can tell me about her, or all that's important about her, she will be a supportive character at best (when a situation calls for a talent agent). Other than where she was born and her build up to be a talent agent, I know little about her, including things like her personality, friends/acquaintances, and her upbringing. Of course, if she is designed to be supportive, none of this is required.
One thing about her talent, though. It does seem a bit odd that she has been in many school plays and spoken with many actors and then wanted to start looking to this line of work for her cutie mark. I think it would make her special talent carry more authority if you established a history of her being able to "find the right pony for the right job". This would mean she needs a natural eye for detail and exceptional problem solving skills.
She just needs a bit more work, but she has some promise.
Arken Wyrmwald:
I think he's too far out there to be a realistic character in an Equestrian setting. It's that costume, really. It just screams "I'm up to no good". Does he really go out in public wearing that? His mysterious nature adds to any suspicious a pony would have of him. Now... could an organization that strives for racial and gender equality exist in Equestria? I wouldn't put it past me, but the issue here is that it's illegal for some reason. I would expect more of a union than a secret agent organization.
Although the existence of an organization like this brings up the question of whether or not ponies think they are being discriminated against due to their race and gender. I always imagined most ponies being proud of who they were and not judging others, but there is room for the possibility that there are ponies who aren't.
As for Arken himself... I'd say something if I knew anything about him, but he is shrouded in mystery. He has a family and he is good at fighting and he works for an illegal organization.
Since you're still developing him, I'm sure there's a lot more about him you have in store; just keep the things I just mentioned in mind as you continue to develop him.
West Star:
Uh... hmm... Great so far, but I know literally about 15 seconds worth of time about him. He appeared with certain memories in tact and all other memories lost or hidden. He names himself and starts looking for Laserbolt. I'm not sure what I could suggest to make the character better without asking you reveal something you want to keep hidden in his most likely tragic backstory. If anything, though, try to describe him maybe about a day's worth of time living among ponies who don't know his identity. Describe his tendencies and dominant personality traits that other ponies would observe from him. They don't even need to talk to him, although getting some words out of him would allow the reader to know more about his social habits.
And don't compare him to another pony when describing his appearance. I have no idea what Laserbolt looks like.
176
Original Characters / Lucidity
2014 Feb 02, 15:46:40![](http://[url="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v199/The_Shyan/Lucidity_zps6019ac19.png"]http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v199/The_Shyan/Lucidity_zps6019ac19.png[/url])
"What would a daylover like you know about Princess Luna?"
Lucidity is a Unicorn mare from Canterlot who is currently a student at Luna's School for Gifted Ponies.
Her Mane
Before you know anything more about her, be warned never to talk about her mane in her presence. She does not like the way her mane looks and she does not like anypony who mentions it. However, she doesn't want to change it, for some reason. She issues a warning to first time offenders and is likely to punt repeat offenders over the horizon.
Her Cutie Mark
Lucidity's cutie mark is a dream catcher, representing her special talent to have lucid dreams. This means she can consciously become aware that she is dreaming while dreaming and manipulate her dreams to her liking. However, she is unsure what use her special talent can be. Word of Lucidity's talent reached Princess Luna and Luna extended an invitation to her to be a student a student at Luna's School for Gifted Ponies. Ever since accepting the invitation, Lucidity has been working diligently to discover the extent of her abilities and how they could possibly be useful outside her own dreams.
Daylovers
During her stay in the school, Lucidity has grown extremely attached to Princess Luna. On the other hoof, she has fostered a disdain for ponies who follow Princess Celestia and endlessly sing her praises. She has often been caught using the phrase "daylover" when referring to such ponies, although she has been repeatedly scolded for using such terminology. As almost all ponies outside the school are daylovers, she is more often than not seen in a generally foul mood. She does seem to lighten up considerably if you say something good about Luna, though.
Her Role
Lucidity is going to make an appearance in the story "Honest to Goodness: The Eyes of Twilight Sparkle" as a supporting character. In the story, Lucidity is tasked by Luna to help investigate the epidemic as a representative of the school, a role she wears proudly. Unfortunately, the pony she is assigned to assist happens to be the most critically acclaimed daylover in all of Equestria; the former personal protégé of Princess Celestia turned superstar, Princess Twilight Sparkle. I wonder how that will turn out.
177
Original Characters / Re: Character Critique Thread
2014 Jan 30, 14:11:36
Blindside definitely has enough personality by merit of the way he talks, but I can't really extract any of his less dominant character traits. So far, I've collected that he may or may not be the mellow and direct type of zebra who enjoys elaborating and reminiscing. The fact that it's the character talking about himself tends to mean he won't talk about his own personality, which is kind of important to spell out in an introductory topic (at least the most obvious personality traits, that is). I would approach it by having him say what others say about him, because they would most likely bring up the obvious personality traits I mentioned before.
Now... the autobiography, which is basically 90% of the material, is completely saturated in the character's talking habits, although that does add some charm to it and gives us more insight about how the character percieves his own past. However, the crippling flaw is that it's long. Very long for an introduction topic. Most readers will probably skim over the first few sentences of each paragraph before figuring out it's all about Blindfire's past, which is nice and all, but runs the high risk of losing the reader's interest. Longer history stories really need to be saved for the likes of RPs, where the reader(s) have had a chance to become attatched to the character (through interaction) enough to want to learn about the lenthy past of him.
I'd recommend figuring out what the most critical to know points in his past were and stick to those, hopefully reducing the length of his past by about 75%. It really only needs a paragraph unless there is a visual tie between his past and his present self, like some sort of medallion he wears (or kids that follow him around), in which case you can also explain the medallion (or kids). I would really like to see more details about his present day self, though, as it is almost non-existant currently. You should have a lot to say about his present day self, anyways. He is an accomplished alchemist, he travels often and meets all sorts of ponies, he's blind... which should liven things up, no doubt.
And I don't particularly agree with firestorms causing children to be homeless and alone (trying to avoid the word "orphaned" here). If there house burned down, I'm sure there would be some sort of community effort to help them... at least if it were in Ponyville. I guess I can't speak for any other town. But really, it's all Equestria.
Now... the autobiography, which is basically 90% of the material, is completely saturated in the character's talking habits, although that does add some charm to it and gives us more insight about how the character percieves his own past. However, the crippling flaw is that it's long. Very long for an introduction topic. Most readers will probably skim over the first few sentences of each paragraph before figuring out it's all about Blindfire's past, which is nice and all, but runs the high risk of losing the reader's interest. Longer history stories really need to be saved for the likes of RPs, where the reader(s) have had a chance to become attatched to the character (through interaction) enough to want to learn about the lenthy past of him.
I'd recommend figuring out what the most critical to know points in his past were and stick to those, hopefully reducing the length of his past by about 75%. It really only needs a paragraph unless there is a visual tie between his past and his present self, like some sort of medallion he wears (or kids that follow him around), in which case you can also explain the medallion (or kids). I would really like to see more details about his present day self, though, as it is almost non-existant currently. You should have a lot to say about his present day self, anyways. He is an accomplished alchemist, he travels often and meets all sorts of ponies, he's blind... which should liven things up, no doubt.
And I don't particularly agree with firestorms causing children to be homeless and alone (trying to avoid the word "orphaned" here). If there house burned down, I'm sure there would be some sort of community effort to help them... at least if it were in Ponyville. I guess I can't speak for any other town. But really, it's all Equestria.
178
Original Characters / Re: Teacloud // tea enthusiast! (CRITIQUES WELCOME!)
2014 Jan 30, 00:45:50
Ah, you have cleared up some of my concerns with your explanations.
I would like to justify the mane 6's names with a few reasons I've theorized. Rainbow Dash has a rainbow colored name and it is highly likely she came from a competative family; unconfirmed either way. Fluttershy may have also come from a family line with terminal shyness; would be great if we could meet her parents, though. Rarity is... a rather ambiguous name when trying to define its meaning... I'm not sure if it is implying "rare", but I don't see any correlation between her name and her talent.
Not to say names shouldn't have any relation to what the pony is destined to be, but as you said, it shouldn't be dictated by what the pony is skilled at. It's only really the obvious references that seem to lack that creative spark that I raise the convenient flag on, but if there is a good reason for that name to exist for that pony, there's no quarrel.
I would like to justify the mane 6's names with a few reasons I've theorized. Rainbow Dash has a rainbow colored name and it is highly likely she came from a competative family; unconfirmed either way. Fluttershy may have also come from a family line with terminal shyness; would be great if we could meet her parents, though. Rarity is... a rather ambiguous name when trying to define its meaning... I'm not sure if it is implying "rare", but I don't see any correlation between her name and her talent.
Not to say names shouldn't have any relation to what the pony is destined to be, but as you said, it shouldn't be dictated by what the pony is skilled at. It's only really the obvious references that seem to lack that creative spark that I raise the convenient flag on, but if there is a good reason for that name to exist for that pony, there's no quarrel.
179
Original Characters / Re: Teacloud // tea enthusiast! (CRITIQUES WELCOME!)
2014 Jan 28, 19:31:26
I'll start of by saying the character is very well developed. A lot of detail in her personality and her visual appearance is unique.
I get this feeling her inability to fly is all in her head at this point. I mean... just based on the illustrations you've provided so far. Her wings don't seem to be as stunted as I imagined they would be.
Her name also seems convenient, although it appears that she chose to pursue tea just because it was in her name. I am curious as to how her parents decided on the name Teacloud when naming their daughter. It's of little consequence at this point, since she doesn't have a cutie mark about tea yet. Hopefully she doesn't get a cutie mark about tea at all...
I think she missed something not going to school. I'm sure there's some sort of branch in the education system for the Pegasi that are... less able to fly. Sure Fluttershy didn't take it... It just sounds like you home schooled her as a sort of a shortcut, unless it turns out she will be less knowledgeable later down the line.
I get this feeling her inability to fly is all in her head at this point. I mean... just based on the illustrations you've provided so far. Her wings don't seem to be as stunted as I imagined they would be.
Her name also seems convenient, although it appears that she chose to pursue tea just because it was in her name. I am curious as to how her parents decided on the name Teacloud when naming their daughter. It's of little consequence at this point, since she doesn't have a cutie mark about tea yet. Hopefully she doesn't get a cutie mark about tea at all...
I think she missed something not going to school. I'm sure there's some sort of branch in the education system for the Pegasi that are... less able to fly. Sure Fluttershy didn't take it... It just sounds like you home schooled her as a sort of a shortcut, unless it turns out she will be less knowledgeable later down the line.
180
Original Characters / Re: Time to spin a tale, striped and pale.
2014 Jan 28, 17:41:50
Here, I have something that might help with your condition. It's... um... a white tipped stick thing that helps you scout out the ground in front of you, so you don't walk into walls or holes. You just... hod it in your houh yike zis an' heel da groun' in hron'a you.
I don't know if you already got something like this... but... here, have it. It can be a spare one.
I don't know if you already got something like this... but... here, have it. It can be a spare one.