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121
Canterlot Archives / Re: Escape to the future (Sign-Up RP)
2015 Mar 23, 00:48:37
It was only a matter of time before Gracie finally stopped flailing and popped her head up. After casually examining her mane, she came to two conclusions: she did not have a bee in her mane and her mane was a mess now.
Gracie took a moment to plan her next course of action now. Her first thought was to simply take off back into the sky... but she knew there were bees up there possibly. Her eyes fell to the ground and she noticed that she was sitting on grass. The grass looked different than what she was used to, so she lowered her head to sniff the grass a bit. Then she took a few bites out of it. She concluded that it tasted like grass.
Another insect landed on her mane, but this time it was a butterfly. Gracie saw the butterfly on top of her and became enamoured with it. It slowly started flying away from her and she began following it, as if she were in a trance.
Gracie took a moment to plan her next course of action now. Her first thought was to simply take off back into the sky... but she knew there were bees up there possibly. Her eyes fell to the ground and she noticed that she was sitting on grass. The grass looked different than what she was used to, so she lowered her head to sniff the grass a bit. Then she took a few bites out of it. She concluded that it tasted like grass.
Another insect landed on her mane, but this time it was a butterfly. Gracie saw the butterfly on top of her and became enamoured with it. It slowly started flying away from her and she began following it, as if she were in a trance.
122
Canterlot Archives / Re: Escape to the future (Sign-Up RP)
2015 Mar 22, 20:35:42
Up in the sky there was a little yellow pegasus name Gracie Sky flying around lazily. She was constantly surveying the land below, amazed by all the interesting things she saw. Trees, rocks, clouds, and birds! She occassionally closed her eyes and took a deep breath.
Unfortunately, during one of her breaths, she accidentally ran into a bee. It got caught up in her mane and started making angry buzzing noises. Gracie heard this buzzing and gave a frightful scream! She flailed around in the air in a frenzied panic, trying to get the bee off. Somewhere, she lost the bee, but by that time, she was in a free fall and lost her balance.
She crashed down to earth in the strange forest area she happened to be flying above. Still unaware that her bee companion had left her, she continued to flail around on the ground, shouting out something about not liking bees.
Unfortunately, during one of her breaths, she accidentally ran into a bee. It got caught up in her mane and started making angry buzzing noises. Gracie heard this buzzing and gave a frightful scream! She flailed around in the air in a frenzied panic, trying to get the bee off. Somewhere, she lost the bee, but by that time, she was in a free fall and lost her balance.
She crashed down to earth in the strange forest area she happened to be flying above. Still unaware that her bee companion had left her, she continued to flail around on the ground, shouting out something about not liking bees.
123
Original Characters / Re: Guide: Balancing
2015 Mar 15, 17:06:18
This is a pretty handy guide you have here. I would like to offer my thoughts and opinions on the topic.
First, on a technical note, you might want to specify that this is a guide to balancing powers, unless you plan to add to this with other balancing issues. I'm also a bit uncomfortable with balancing a power around its use in combat, because I honestly don't think combat has any place in the Equestrian universe. In fact, I would avoid calling them "powers" due to its combat-oriented connotations. Talents I find to be a more appropriate word.
What you refer to as a physical constraint I will be refering to as a handicap. I rarely see handicapped ponies, and for good reason too. Ponies in Equestria are well taken care of and are typically in good health. Of course there are still handicapped ponies, but as you said, physical constraints shouldn't be avoided unless it's a critical part to the character. The way Equestria is built actively attempts to prevent defomities in its population, and it's shown to work. 99% of ponies are fit as a fiddle.
What you refer to as a mental constraint I will be refering to as personality or a conflict of interest, because I don't find it to be a constraint of any sort. Everypony is unique in their experiences and how they shape that pony's perspectives and personality. From these, a pony decides what is right and wrong and thus their morals are established. Anything that goes against these morals generates a conflict of interest, in which the pony must make a decision about what is more important to them. This inner struggle can be more complex the grayer the issue is. In short, I agree with you that mental constraints really help develop a character!
About balancing good traits with bad is a misconception, in my opinion. You don't need to give a bad trait to a character simply because they have a good one, or even too many good ones. Instead, you should change your perspective and flip some of these good trait. Each positive trait could simply be the bright side of a two sided coin, but what lies on the opposite side? Ask yourself what could be a possible negative result of having this seemingly positive trait and would that be the case with my character? You can find a lot of flaws with traits simply by asking why they are there. Most likely it came to be in order to prevent or cover up a negative trait or experience.
A few examples: Why am I honest? Because I lied once and somepony got hurt because of it. Now I can say I'm scared of lying or I feel guilty when I'm forced to lie or keep secrets. Why am I really fast? Because I was teased for being slow, so I trained hard! Now I can say I'm self conscious and I conform to how society precieves me.
On a final note, I would like to point out something I always consider when adding any sort of element to my characters. Regardless of how strong or weak an attribute of a character is, I measure it against my Willing Suspension of Disbelief. I don't ask if it is too strong, I ask if it's believable in this universe. Let's be honest, the ability to move the sun at will is probably overpowered, but in this universe, it's established that weather does not move on its own, so it's plausable to assume the sun doesn't move by itself either. Even so, moving something like the sun requires an alicorn princess whose only special talent is specifically moving the sun. The title "Alicorn Princess" was probably earned conisdering the established hierarchy in Equestria and what Twilight had to do to become one, so I'm not going to say Princess Celestia won the lottery to become an alicorn or a princess. No sign of a negative trait to balance this, though, but I still find it balanced. Think a bit about it.
I probably have more to say, but I don't remember anything else at the moment. As always, though, good luck with your OCs! Remember I'm always available to evaluate them!
First, on a technical note, you might want to specify that this is a guide to balancing powers, unless you plan to add to this with other balancing issues. I'm also a bit uncomfortable with balancing a power around its use in combat, because I honestly don't think combat has any place in the Equestrian universe. In fact, I would avoid calling them "powers" due to its combat-oriented connotations. Talents I find to be a more appropriate word.
What you refer to as a physical constraint I will be refering to as a handicap. I rarely see handicapped ponies, and for good reason too. Ponies in Equestria are well taken care of and are typically in good health. Of course there are still handicapped ponies, but as you said, physical constraints shouldn't be avoided unless it's a critical part to the character. The way Equestria is built actively attempts to prevent defomities in its population, and it's shown to work. 99% of ponies are fit as a fiddle.
What you refer to as a mental constraint I will be refering to as personality or a conflict of interest, because I don't find it to be a constraint of any sort. Everypony is unique in their experiences and how they shape that pony's perspectives and personality. From these, a pony decides what is right and wrong and thus their morals are established. Anything that goes against these morals generates a conflict of interest, in which the pony must make a decision about what is more important to them. This inner struggle can be more complex the grayer the issue is. In short, I agree with you that mental constraints really help develop a character!
About balancing good traits with bad is a misconception, in my opinion. You don't need to give a bad trait to a character simply because they have a good one, or even too many good ones. Instead, you should change your perspective and flip some of these good trait. Each positive trait could simply be the bright side of a two sided coin, but what lies on the opposite side? Ask yourself what could be a possible negative result of having this seemingly positive trait and would that be the case with my character? You can find a lot of flaws with traits simply by asking why they are there. Most likely it came to be in order to prevent or cover up a negative trait or experience.
A few examples: Why am I honest? Because I lied once and somepony got hurt because of it. Now I can say I'm scared of lying or I feel guilty when I'm forced to lie or keep secrets. Why am I really fast? Because I was teased for being slow, so I trained hard! Now I can say I'm self conscious and I conform to how society precieves me.
On a final note, I would like to point out something I always consider when adding any sort of element to my characters. Regardless of how strong or weak an attribute of a character is, I measure it against my Willing Suspension of Disbelief. I don't ask if it is too strong, I ask if it's believable in this universe. Let's be honest, the ability to move the sun at will is probably overpowered, but in this universe, it's established that weather does not move on its own, so it's plausable to assume the sun doesn't move by itself either. Even so, moving something like the sun requires an alicorn princess whose only special talent is specifically moving the sun. The title "Alicorn Princess" was probably earned conisdering the established hierarchy in Equestria and what Twilight had to do to become one, so I'm not going to say Princess Celestia won the lottery to become an alicorn or a princess. No sign of a negative trait to balance this, though, but I still find it balanced. Think a bit about it.
I probably have more to say, but I don't remember anything else at the moment. As always, though, good luck with your OCs! Remember I'm always available to evaluate them!
124
Original Characters / Re: Day Dream/Storm: Attack of the OC's
2015 Feb 28, 16:58:09
I wouldn't let the fact that someone else may've thought up the name get in the way, especially if you came up with the name before knowing that. I mean my OCs color scheme I later found out was almost identical to Apple Fritter's color scheme in the show, and I was tempted to change it, but I couldn't bring myself to do it, since it's who I concieved her to be. There is no rule saying two ponies can't have the same name, so don't think you need to change who you are in order to "fit in".
125
Original Characters / Re: My pony OC Luke Aura
2015 Feb 19, 17:34:08
What was the unbeatable game? I Wanna be the Pony? 
126
Original Characters / Re: In need of a pony OC
2015 Jan 31, 17:37:20
I honestly don't see anything wrong with the name Nutter Butter, perhaps except for the fact that the name is already the name of a certain peanut butter flavored sandwich cookie.
If you'd like some help figuring out a good name for your OC, I recommend telling me a bit about the OC first. If you haven't thought up a backstory or something like that, that would be an important starting point. You'll have to work from the ground up. However, I'm sure you have some idea about which direction you wanted to take this character, and I'd very much like to read about it.
If you'd like some help figuring out a good name for your OC, I recommend telling me a bit about the OC first. If you haven't thought up a backstory or something like that, that would be an important starting point. You'll have to work from the ground up. However, I'm sure you have some idea about which direction you wanted to take this character, and I'd very much like to read about it.
127
Original Characters / Re: The God Emperor
2015 Jan 27, 21:08:01
I've also learned that he sits on a throne, which is definitely not a chair! 
128
Original Characters / Re: Cascade, my OC
2015 Jan 27, 05:24:24
Based purely on the image of the pony you provided, this is a very high quality OC. The concept behind her mane and tail is something I've never seen before and I'm very impressed with. I think you're going for ocean waves, but it initially struck me as an evergreen tree with snow drifting on the edges. I like it either way, though, just to let you know.
I'm really hoping the backstory lives up to the quality of the picture. I anxiously await with higher expectations than is usual.
I'm really hoping the backstory lives up to the quality of the picture. I anxiously await with higher expectations than is usual.
129
Original Characters / Re: Rad Thunder's OCs
2015 Jan 18, 21:20:55
2nd in her class? That's got to be the first time I've ever heard that one
Who was first?
Who was first?
130
Original Characters / Re: Oc's ours
2015 Jan 03, 17:16:46
From what I gather, she loves winter! She discovered her special talent of manipulating clouds to produce snow during a winter season where there was a shortage of snow. The picture of her is also very cute!
With that said, I fear she will only be a character of interest during winter, which only covers 1/4 of the year. I wonder what she does during the other three seasons.
Thankfully, I was able to get Google to translate the words, but it does leave a few things to be desired. Still, the language barrier nowadays isn't as big a deal as it may have been in the past. I personally don't mind that he speaks only in spanish as long as he continues to express his creativity to others.
With that said, I fear she will only be a character of interest during winter, which only covers 1/4 of the year. I wonder what she does during the other three seasons.
Thankfully, I was able to get Google to translate the words, but it does leave a few things to be desired. Still, the language barrier nowadays isn't as big a deal as it may have been in the past. I personally don't mind that he speaks only in spanish as long as he continues to express his creativity to others.
131
Original Characters / Re: my pony OCs
2014 Dec 29, 22:34:19
You had my attention until you used the term "MP3 Player", which for some reason, unsettles me more than it probably should. I'll believe Equestria has the technology to develop a kareoke set and a bass cannon, but I'm having trouble believing there are MP3 Players in Equestria. Even if I could believe that, I most certainly cannot believe she was listening to a song created by a band that doesn't exist in Equestria.
While it's fine that she likes certain music, it's best not to tread on specific songs or specific devices.
On a different subject, I was wondering why her fascination of the Wonderbolts were mentioned if she just let that dream die shortly afterwards. Rather than letting it die, it would be better if that dream helped spark her eventual talent of painting magic trails. It is widely known that the wonderbolts leaving behind a signature trail of lightning smoke, so it's no stretch to imagine Aurora Pen mimiced the technique with her own twist on it. It seems too coincidental; I feel that's what you were aiming at with this scenario, but saying she let a dream die would be a slight miscommunication.
I would also like recommend that you do a little proofreading. A lot of words are missing proper capitalization.
While it's fine that she likes certain music, it's best not to tread on specific songs or specific devices.
On a different subject, I was wondering why her fascination of the Wonderbolts were mentioned if she just let that dream die shortly afterwards. Rather than letting it die, it would be better if that dream helped spark her eventual talent of painting magic trails. It is widely known that the wonderbolts leaving behind a signature trail of lightning smoke, so it's no stretch to imagine Aurora Pen mimiced the technique with her own twist on it. It seems too coincidental; I feel that's what you were aiming at with this scenario, but saying she let a dream die would be a slight miscommunication.
I would also like recommend that you do a little proofreading. A lot of words are missing proper capitalization.
132
Original Characters / Re: Character Critique Thread
2014 Dec 26, 16:42:15
Thrak time traveled from the primordial ages because he fell down a fissure caused by an earthquake. Now, unless there's more than meets the eye on this character's arrival to Equestria, this scenario breaks my suspension of disbelief within the Equestrian universe. I am also trying to decide if the whole concept of dinosaurs in Equestria would be believeable, although I don't see any reason why not as long as it is sufficiently explained. But falling through a crack in the ground and time travelling I wouldn't consider sufficient.
Other than that, though, I don't see any issues with Thrak. I was a little hesitant about giving my opinion on Thrak because there really isn't any nice way to say "I don't think he belongs". Of course, if you could revise the story and come up with a more plausable explanation regarding how Thrak found his way into Equestria, there won't be any issues remaining.
Other than that, though, I don't see any issues with Thrak. I was a little hesitant about giving my opinion on Thrak because there really isn't any nice way to say "I don't think he belongs". Of course, if you could revise the story and come up with a more plausable explanation regarding how Thrak found his way into Equestria, there won't be any issues remaining.
133
Original Characters / Re: Find Aurora In The Next Open LoE~!
2014 Dec 26, 16:27:17
I do like that cutie mark! Very elegant.
I don't know if you know or not, but I feel inclined to point out that you spelled your OC's name wrong in your signature.
I don't know if you know or not, but I feel inclined to point out that you spelled your OC's name wrong in your signature.
134
Original Characters / Re: Classius Von Mayberk
2014 Dec 03, 19:51:23
Your explanation does clear up a hoofful of things. Although it wasn't clear in the way you put it, he DID participate in the contest, but he was forced to do so, even though he didn't want to. You'll want to make that clearer. His "victory" was partially rigged, since the ponies who were voting were probably voting based on who they could best manipulate to their desires in the future. That should also be made clearer, although more or less hinted at, since they probably wouldn't admit to something like that but Classy would probably deduce anyway.
I'm not sure if I should say something like this, since it may or may not be spoiling possible development of Classy... so...
You mention that he is the type of character that would inspire other ponies to be good hearted ponies. This is admirable, but the way you have him setup makes the whole concept a bit... inflated.
First off, you mention he should be somepony who would inspire others to be the best they can despite the odds. The issue I have with that is Classy was never really the underdog, or at least I haven't been made aware of the extent of his struggles in learning the trade after winning the head of his family line. What would really help is if he had a mentor or someone to teach him the trade... or did his father fulfill that role before dying? It's hard for me to believe that even for a prodigy, he was in such a league of his own that he mastered the trade just by his own determination for revenge.
Secondly, he seems to like operating outside the scope of public view. Not too sure how anypony would know about the good deeds he's done... unless you're talking about the readers aspiring to him. Still, it would be a bit of a waste of his potential if a lot of his achievements went unnoticed or were credited to the wrong pony in the eyes of the public.
I'm not sure if I should say something like this, since it may or may not be spoiling possible development of Classy... so...
Spoiler: show
You mention that he is the type of character that would inspire other ponies to be good hearted ponies. This is admirable, but the way you have him setup makes the whole concept a bit... inflated.
First off, you mention he should be somepony who would inspire others to be the best they can despite the odds. The issue I have with that is Classy was never really the underdog, or at least I haven't been made aware of the extent of his struggles in learning the trade after winning the head of his family line. What would really help is if he had a mentor or someone to teach him the trade... or did his father fulfill that role before dying? It's hard for me to believe that even for a prodigy, he was in such a league of his own that he mastered the trade just by his own determination for revenge.
Secondly, he seems to like operating outside the scope of public view. Not too sure how anypony would know about the good deeds he's done... unless you're talking about the readers aspiring to him. Still, it would be a bit of a waste of his potential if a lot of his achievements went unnoticed or were credited to the wrong pony in the eyes of the public.
135
Original Characters / Re: Lollipop Swirl
2014 Dec 03, 02:32:08
This is the kind of OC I like reading about. A simple pony with simple tastes. Quaint without being dull. A description of the character that isn't long, but still manages to be informative and covers the critical details about the character. An appearance that isn't complex, but still visually appealing. I'd like to see more OCs following this style!
All that almost distracted me from the fact that I critique OCs. The only thing I'm going to say is her name matches her cutie mark. This would unfortunately demote her to background pony in the Equestrian universe. Then again, if that's not an issue, than she is the perfect background pony!
All that almost distracted me from the fact that I critique OCs. The only thing I'm going to say is her name matches her cutie mark. This would unfortunately demote her to background pony in the Equestrian universe. Then again, if that's not an issue, than she is the perfect background pony!
136
Original Characters / Re: Character Critique Thread
2014 Dec 03, 02:18:14
Sorry for the wait, everypony! The holidays aren't the best time for me... and something about Warlords of Draenor. 
For Jackie - I've looked over your OCs again and... I would like to know exactly what you wanted me to re-evaluate. She and the others I'm willing to evaluate haven't changed much. I see you've taken out the surgery and went into a bit more detail about her cutie mark. I would like to hear more about how she applies her special talent in her every day life, although that's just flavor that I think would do her character well and is not really required. As for Russ, well... hmmm... I don't really see anything "wrong" wrong with him... I mean nothing I can offer advice on without destroying who he is. He's probably fine as he is, it just doesn't line up with my personal tastes.
For Dark Hooves - I can't really evaluate any of your characters, since you only offer a list of facts about them. Try to include things like their history. Tell me about how Angel's Breath aquired her talent and how she is different from your average florist. While it is useful to know, I can't relate to things like a pony's birthday and her Wing Power. Even things like her likes and personality need to be put into context, which is the objective of a character's history.
For Jackie - I've looked over your OCs again and... I would like to know exactly what you wanted me to re-evaluate. She and the others I'm willing to evaluate haven't changed much. I see you've taken out the surgery and went into a bit more detail about her cutie mark. I would like to hear more about how she applies her special talent in her every day life, although that's just flavor that I think would do her character well and is not really required. As for Russ, well... hmmm... I don't really see anything "wrong" wrong with him... I mean nothing I can offer advice on without destroying who he is. He's probably fine as he is, it just doesn't line up with my personal tastes.
For Dark Hooves - I can't really evaluate any of your characters, since you only offer a list of facts about them. Try to include things like their history. Tell me about how Angel's Breath aquired her talent and how she is different from your average florist. While it is useful to know, I can't relate to things like a pony's birthday and her Wing Power. Even things like her likes and personality need to be put into context, which is the objective of a character's history.
137
Original Characters / Re: Classius Von Mayberk
2014 Dec 03, 01:55:21
I can certainly appreciate the amount of detail that was put into this character. He is well thought out, but there are a few matters that you may wish to address.
The primary problem I see with Classy is the fact that he is too good. He's better than my suspension of disbelief warrents for him. It's true he was born into the tycoon business and was taught a few things about the trade, but you distinctly label it as "nothing serious". When he was pitted against his two older siblings, he refused to participate and somehow still won... by a land slide. Is this a conspiracy, or is there a good reason he won in a contest he did not participate in? Of course, I don't know what kind of contest it was or how the victor was decided, but I find it very hard to believe Classy could win such a contest. You might want to explain how he beat his two older siblings.
After winning the head seat of his family, he proceeded to win the head of the entire tycoon. He embraced the tycoon doctrine and made all the right choices at the right times. That's hard to believe from a pony who has the experience that would be described as "nothing serious". That leads me to the conclusion that he is simply a natural genius; a prodigy. Or this could be what you mean by "unparallelled luck". Either way, his achievements are beyond what I believe him capable of performing through logical means.
I'm imagining him as a borderline "perfect" character. He is never challenged in the storyline you've provided for him so far. It just seems he already knows what to do to suceed and he is always successful at what he attempts... and even the things he doesn't attempt. I would recommend being careful with this, because we call such characters Mary Sues. His only issue seems to be his struggle to be accepted by his sibblings, whom got kicked out of the family because he won the contest he didn't want to win. This is an acceptable problem he needs to overcome, but I somehow feel the issue is already half resolved. His siblings seem to not mind being forced to leave as much as they mind Classy trying to hand them back their status for free.
I would've liked to have seen Classy actually struggle to get where he is and from what you've provided, I didn't get that feeling. Perhaps you had something in mind, but it's not clear enough to me and I think it needs to be in order for me to better relate to this character.
Other than that, though, very well put together. He just needs to be completed.
The primary problem I see with Classy is the fact that he is too good. He's better than my suspension of disbelief warrents for him. It's true he was born into the tycoon business and was taught a few things about the trade, but you distinctly label it as "nothing serious". When he was pitted against his two older siblings, he refused to participate and somehow still won... by a land slide. Is this a conspiracy, or is there a good reason he won in a contest he did not participate in? Of course, I don't know what kind of contest it was or how the victor was decided, but I find it very hard to believe Classy could win such a contest. You might want to explain how he beat his two older siblings.
After winning the head seat of his family, he proceeded to win the head of the entire tycoon. He embraced the tycoon doctrine and made all the right choices at the right times. That's hard to believe from a pony who has the experience that would be described as "nothing serious". That leads me to the conclusion that he is simply a natural genius; a prodigy. Or this could be what you mean by "unparallelled luck". Either way, his achievements are beyond what I believe him capable of performing through logical means.
I'm imagining him as a borderline "perfect" character. He is never challenged in the storyline you've provided for him so far. It just seems he already knows what to do to suceed and he is always successful at what he attempts... and even the things he doesn't attempt. I would recommend being careful with this, because we call such characters Mary Sues. His only issue seems to be his struggle to be accepted by his sibblings, whom got kicked out of the family because he won the contest he didn't want to win. This is an acceptable problem he needs to overcome, but I somehow feel the issue is already half resolved. His siblings seem to not mind being forced to leave as much as they mind Classy trying to hand them back their status for free.
I would've liked to have seen Classy actually struggle to get where he is and from what you've provided, I didn't get that feeling. Perhaps you had something in mind, but it's not clear enough to me and I think it needs to be in order for me to better relate to this character.
Other than that, though, very well put together. He just needs to be completed.
138
Original Characters / Re: Character Critique Thread
2014 Nov 15, 21:01:35
Thankfully you point out that this is a more realistic Equestria, or I'd tell you that your OC seems to be a bit too negative for the land of love and tolerance. I would like to hear why you decided to base your characters on this darker version of Equestria, although that's ultimately up to you.
First off, you probably should leave out the fact that she is concealing her birth name. Introduction topics should define what is commonly known/widely accepted as fact about the character in question. Of course, if she open about the fact that she changed her name, then there is no issue, although you might want to point such a detail out. However, because she uses an alias indicates it's unlikely that other ponies are aware that Pyro is not her real name, with the exception of her husband/fiancee. Secrets like her real name should be held onto until the time is right during her development, if you had any planned for her.
A lot of the details about her I feel could use a bit more detail. One key detail is the circumstance by which she became so reclusive. You seem to tie it to that accident that sent her brother to the hospital for 8 years, but it's difficult for me to piece together the correlation between the two. Why did her brother going to the hospital make her mature quickly, be a loner, and make it impossible to make friends? Was she dependant on her brother for mental support? I can see that she didn't really get along with her mother, but I don't know why the two couldn't get along. What were they arguing about? If I had to guess, it would be that her mother wasn't letting her do what she desired, which, at the moment, include cats and drawing. A few sentences clearing these questions up would be a great boon to her background.
Now, about her cutie mark... She got it after running away from home. I don't think it's the best scenario, but that's not actually my main concern. It's hard for me to consider this a true cutie mark, based on my knowledge of how cutie marks fundamentally work. My understanding is that a cutie mark is earned during that moment a pony realizes what their special talent in life is. Based on what the cutie mark represents, her talent is staying true to her ambitions. Is that something you can specialize in? It's great that she's passionate, but her cutie mark would be better off reflecting what she is passionate about rather than being passionate in and of itself. ... I hope I'm making sense.
Her relation with with Riptide advanced a little faster than I can believe, especially with a character you've established as a loner. It feels like you're implying that she can make friends as long as the other pony initiates the contact, and the only reason another pony has been able to make contact with her is because she was on the run and currently resting. Even then, it's still a stretch how Riptide was conveniently at the right place at the right time and felt compelled to speak to a complete stranger sitting alone on a bench. Of course, I don't know anything about Riptide, so it could be in his personality to do such a thing. Regardless, I feel the two connected a bit too quickly and smoothly, given the personality and current motivations of Pyro. I recommend touching up a bit and making that date occur with a bit more hesitation (or at least spell out that hesitation).
Finally, she learned animation. I'm assuming computer animation, although I would like you to specify. And I don't know what an MMA is, so it's likely many of your readers won't, so I'd also recomend specifying that one out.
Oh, right, last last thing. I would really like to hear about that rainbow color in her mane, unless it's just her natural hair color. And that collar, too, unless that also is just an accessory she wears for no important reason.
First off, you probably should leave out the fact that she is concealing her birth name. Introduction topics should define what is commonly known/widely accepted as fact about the character in question. Of course, if she open about the fact that she changed her name, then there is no issue, although you might want to point such a detail out. However, because she uses an alias indicates it's unlikely that other ponies are aware that Pyro is not her real name, with the exception of her husband/fiancee. Secrets like her real name should be held onto until the time is right during her development, if you had any planned for her.
A lot of the details about her I feel could use a bit more detail. One key detail is the circumstance by which she became so reclusive. You seem to tie it to that accident that sent her brother to the hospital for 8 years, but it's difficult for me to piece together the correlation between the two. Why did her brother going to the hospital make her mature quickly, be a loner, and make it impossible to make friends? Was she dependant on her brother for mental support? I can see that she didn't really get along with her mother, but I don't know why the two couldn't get along. What were they arguing about? If I had to guess, it would be that her mother wasn't letting her do what she desired, which, at the moment, include cats and drawing. A few sentences clearing these questions up would be a great boon to her background.
Now, about her cutie mark... She got it after running away from home. I don't think it's the best scenario, but that's not actually my main concern. It's hard for me to consider this a true cutie mark, based on my knowledge of how cutie marks fundamentally work. My understanding is that a cutie mark is earned during that moment a pony realizes what their special talent in life is. Based on what the cutie mark represents, her talent is staying true to her ambitions. Is that something you can specialize in? It's great that she's passionate, but her cutie mark would be better off reflecting what she is passionate about rather than being passionate in and of itself. ... I hope I'm making sense.
Her relation with with Riptide advanced a little faster than I can believe, especially with a character you've established as a loner. It feels like you're implying that she can make friends as long as the other pony initiates the contact, and the only reason another pony has been able to make contact with her is because she was on the run and currently resting. Even then, it's still a stretch how Riptide was conveniently at the right place at the right time and felt compelled to speak to a complete stranger sitting alone on a bench. Of course, I don't know anything about Riptide, so it could be in his personality to do such a thing. Regardless, I feel the two connected a bit too quickly and smoothly, given the personality and current motivations of Pyro. I recommend touching up a bit and making that date occur with a bit more hesitation (or at least spell out that hesitation).
Finally, she learned animation. I'm assuming computer animation, although I would like you to specify. And I don't know what an MMA is, so it's likely many of your readers won't, so I'd also recomend specifying that one out.
Oh, right, last last thing. I would really like to hear about that rainbow color in her mane, unless it's just her natural hair color. And that collar, too, unless that also is just an accessory she wears for no important reason.
139
Original Characters / Re: Meet Lightspeed Flash my 1st oc
2014 Sep 20, 19:43:50
I take no offense. I generally know if somepony is being deliberately hostile with me when I offer criticism. Rest assured I only make these points with the interest of improving your character in mind. Most of the things I notice and point out I would like to believe are also things that others might notice as well.
I will admit that sometimes I am simply misinformed when I make a comment. For example, I didn't finish reading all her weaknesses or else I would've worded my 4th point differently. However, I don't like reading about things like strengths and weaknesses of characters. It kind of ruins a lot of the potential for development in a character when their weaknesses are spelled out rather than discovered.
Anyway, as long as you are aware of my points and wish to keep your story the same is fine with me. I only point out what sticks out to me as possibly odd and offer my recommendations. I will comment a bit further on your explanations, although I will keep them brief.
In response to your character's blindness being a reflection of you, that's fine. The blindness itself doesn't have to be significant in itself, although I do see the potential for developing this aspect of the character. I would probably keep the reasoning out, though. Birth defects from drinking is not normally a subject of healthy discussion in Equestria.
Concerning the character's "light flash", I would recommend going into more depth and explaining how this flash came to be or what exactly is going on. We know what breaking the sound barrier looks like due to Rainbow Dash. Are you suggesting that breaking the sound barrier produces different visual effects based on the pony who breaks it? I'm actually willing to accept a reason like that, since the Sonic Rainboom is clearly "Rainbow Dash flavored".
I will admit that sometimes I am simply misinformed when I make a comment. For example, I didn't finish reading all her weaknesses or else I would've worded my 4th point differently. However, I don't like reading about things like strengths and weaknesses of characters. It kind of ruins a lot of the potential for development in a character when their weaknesses are spelled out rather than discovered.
Anyway, as long as you are aware of my points and wish to keep your story the same is fine with me. I only point out what sticks out to me as possibly odd and offer my recommendations. I will comment a bit further on your explanations, although I will keep them brief.
In response to your character's blindness being a reflection of you, that's fine. The blindness itself doesn't have to be significant in itself, although I do see the potential for developing this aspect of the character. I would probably keep the reasoning out, though. Birth defects from drinking is not normally a subject of healthy discussion in Equestria.
Concerning the character's "light flash", I would recommend going into more depth and explaining how this flash came to be or what exactly is going on. We know what breaking the sound barrier looks like due to Rainbow Dash. Are you suggesting that breaking the sound barrier produces different visual effects based on the pony who breaks it? I'm actually willing to accept a reason like that, since the Sonic Rainboom is clearly "Rainbow Dash flavored".
140
Original Characters / Re: Meet Lightspeed Flash my 1st oc
2014 Sep 16, 20:31:29
I won't offer a critique, but I will ask a few questions and point out a few things for you to consider.
1) Is there a good reason this pony is half blind? I mean... does the fact that she is half blind contribute to her development as a character? You don't ever mention the blindness actually affecting any aspect of her life, so it gives me the impression that you put it in there just to make the OC stand out, which I don't recommend. I also find it strange how a half blind pony can be a flight instructor with such a disability, but I won't say it's impossible.
2) If you label an OC's "Likes" and "Dislikes", I would recommend stating unique likes and dislikes. I mean, who doesn't dislike bullies, pointless arguments, and hurtful jokes? For me, those things are sort of a given and I would much rather know the pony doesn't like the taste of lemons or something of that ilk.
3) When you say flash of light, are you saying this pony went at the speed of light? Because... that's faster than Rainbow Dash, who is the fastest pony in Equestria. I know her name is, conveniently enough, Lightspeed Flash, but I would definitely reconsider or be more specific with how fast this pony is capable of going.
4) Why does she tease a Pegasus who can't fly when she a) works with Pegasi who have trouble flying and/or fly very slowly and b) one of her dislikes is bullying? More so, what's the objective of that paragraph? It sounds like it belongs in an RP unless this instance had a significant impact in her life, in which case you should state what exactly about her changed. Maybe this was the point where bullying became one of her dislikes.
5) You do need to get this proofread just a bit.
1) Is there a good reason this pony is half blind? I mean... does the fact that she is half blind contribute to her development as a character? You don't ever mention the blindness actually affecting any aspect of her life, so it gives me the impression that you put it in there just to make the OC stand out, which I don't recommend. I also find it strange how a half blind pony can be a flight instructor with such a disability, but I won't say it's impossible.
2) If you label an OC's "Likes" and "Dislikes", I would recommend stating unique likes and dislikes. I mean, who doesn't dislike bullies, pointless arguments, and hurtful jokes? For me, those things are sort of a given and I would much rather know the pony doesn't like the taste of lemons or something of that ilk.
3) When you say flash of light, are you saying this pony went at the speed of light? Because... that's faster than Rainbow Dash, who is the fastest pony in Equestria. I know her name is, conveniently enough, Lightspeed Flash, but I would definitely reconsider or be more specific with how fast this pony is capable of going.
4) Why does she tease a Pegasus who can't fly when she a) works with Pegasi who have trouble flying and/or fly very slowly and b) one of her dislikes is bullying? More so, what's the objective of that paragraph? It sounds like it belongs in an RP unless this instance had a significant impact in her life, in which case you should state what exactly about her changed. Maybe this was the point where bullying became one of her dislikes.
5) You do need to get this proofread just a bit.