Another OC I created beforehand. (much bigger and less secretive than the first)
Profile
Name: Greylak WindStorm
Nickname: Storm
Age: 5642 years old
Gender: Stallion
Race: Pegasus
Appearance: a dark grey pony, with dark blue mane and tail, yellow eyes, and looks a bit old. Has a scar running down his left eye, scars on his legs and body, and a large scar running down his back.
Cutie Mark: a shield with a thunderstorm mark on it.
Occupation: Guardian
Rank: Grand-Master (guildmaster)
Hobbies: Fighting, Blacksmithing, Farming, Defending, Alchemy, and Drinkin'.
Personality: Friendly, Bored, Patient, and Truthful.
Living in: a house in Ponyville, near SugarCube Corner.
Likes: fighting, defending, smithing, farming, the truth, and the Old Ways.
Dislikes: Celestia, bullies, tyrants, necromancers, the New Gods, the Princesses' Mother.
History: A pegasus born into a royal Alicorn family. He became an outcast to his family just of how he was born and was cast out at the age of 10. There were only a few that became a family to him. His grandmother, Maria WindStorm, daughter of the 2nd previous King of Equestria, his uncle, Icleck 'Ice' WindStorm, his 2nd oldest sister, Allie WindStorm, and his little sister, Gaia WindStorm. After cast out, his uncle trained him how to fight and cast magic without a horn. Storm also learned how to farm, forge, and make potions in case he would have to settle down somewhere. When Storm was old enough to travel on his own, he set out to a village where troubles were brewing. He accepted a hard task with only the gear he was given by his uncle. His quest is to rescue a small group of villagers captured by the necromancer, Drakin. A long battle took place between Storm and Drakin and his undead army, but Storm eventually won and rescued the villagers. He was given a small pay for what he had down but he refused seeing how they may need it more than he does. It was then he was given his cutie mark, a shield with his family symbol. Throughout the years of his life, he quickly gained a reputation through quests and good deeds and recieved a title known as "The Storm of the West". He served as a knight to the late King during the wars against the warlords, tyrants, and Discord, the "God" of Chaos. But all of his accomplishments, his title, his story, even his name was forgotten when the late King's daughters were born and ruled over Equestria. The Era of Old died and forgotten and the Era of New was born. Even though forgotten, Storm still carried on his responsibilities to protect the land from evil, especially from that of Old. He has lived throughout Equestria, meeting new friends along the way, making new legends, and protecting others from harm, even if they do not know the truth. His name was soon recognized by a secret organization of protectors known as the Guardians, a world-wide guild whose purpose is to protect the weak from the strong, the innocent from the guilty. When Storm heard of these Guardians and met them, he joined up with the Guardians and slowly rised from the ranks to the highest, Grand-Master. He began looking for a place to stay and Ponyville looked nice enough to stay, especially with all the strange occurances happening within that town. Upon arrival, after an incident happened in the Everfree forest for 10 years, Storm met a young, beautiful mare who goes by the name of Aqua. The two have met only as strangers but began as friends when they left. The two would meet several times, either in a friendly manner or an incident occuring in Ponyville. They soon began to become close and became married. During the years of this time, ponies began to know him as the old guardian of Equestria after hearing of his tales, to some would only believe it is just a fable. Storm now resides in Ponyville, living with his wife in a house next to SugarCube Corner.
QuoteHe became an outcast to his family just of how he was born
Huh?
Think about it, the time of place of which he was born in was before the two ruling Princesses were born and the family he was born in is a Royal Alicorn family. Storm was born as a Pegasus pony, not of Alicorn.
To be straight forward here, his family is cruel to a large extent of his life, even after he became a legend. They even made him a servant for 10 years of his young life before he was casted out of the family estate.
There... are a lot of oddities. Don't take any of these in a wrong way, I just feel inclined to point out these oddities.
One, I refuse to believe a family in Equestria would outcast their child for something so petty as not being an Alicorn. It's already been proven that Alicorns can be "made" from non-Alicorn ponies, so I'm not even sure that reason can even substantiate itself. Getting back to the issue, you're implying some very negative character traits for the parents of Greylak and the royal bloodline of Equestria if they would just abandon a pony who is not an Alicorn. Of course, I can't discredit the possibility that his parents weren't like this, since they are your characters; I'm just saying it feels unlikely based on the general attitude of ponies in Equestria. I'm also guessing Princess Celestia is a descendant, if not another child, of Greylak's father... which would make him Celestia's brother...
Two, Princess Celestia has ruled Equestria for at least 1000 years. You state an unknown age, but that must mean he has a lived longer than the lifespan of your average Pegasus (although it is impossible for me to prove exactly how long ponies tend to live for).
Three, I would not consider Discord to be a God. He is just the spirit of chaos, although I suppose his powers are definitely in league with that of a god, considering what he is capable of.
His cutie mark and wife are never brought up. I didn't know he had a wife until you mentioned it at the end. It would be insightful if you mentioned how he found his wife and cutie mark.
Yes, in Equestria, there wouldn't be an alicorn family that would cast out their own bloodlines, but Storm wasn't born in the times of Equestria but in the era of the Old, or as it is called, Old Equestria. And I should have mentioned the three royal families that has lived and controlled parts of Equestria. The late King of Equestria is not of the WindStorm Family but of another. So, technically, Storm is sort of a cousin to Celestia and Luna.
I should have stated something about Storm's age since I put up his history.
And for Discord being a "god of chaos". I know he is a spirit of chaos, but think of how someone in the medieval age would think of an all powerful spirit of chaos that could make as much destruction as an all-powerful being would do, would be called a god. It would make sense if Storm called Discord a god since he was born during the Old Equestrian Era, which is like old medieval age.
Lastly, Storm's wife belongs to a friend of mine, who roleplays as her whenever we get the chance to roleplay. I could however explain how he met up with her and how they became together. As for his cutie mark, I will have to explain that part too.
Thank you for the review and see if I can correct any mistakes there are.