I'm trying to work on making another OC, Preferably less dismal this time. :)
Unfortunantly, I have no idea for what.
Name: Eclipse
Gender: Male (colt, stallion, it's all personal preference to me)
Age: 18
Race: Pegasus
Appearance: Eclipse has a lighter grey coat, somewhere between charcoal and ash. Semi-long to long mane, midnight blue, with a very unkempt and old, dirty look to it, no matter how clean it may be. Same for the tail, though the hair becomes more detached from the central mass of hair at the end. Soft, yellow green eyes, almost perpetually with a confused or sorry look upon them. More on the slight side of a medium build.
Special talent: Making strange, almost chilling songs or paintings.
Cutiemark: A full moon, obscured by a cloud.
Additional skills: Listening, and carving.
Occupation: Songwriter and traveler.
Strengths: Kind, Caring, Wise, Quiet, and Loyal.
Weaknesses: Slow at accepting others, Very withdrawn, Scatterbrained, Not terribly Strong
Bio:
Music. Soft enchanting music drifting on the night breeze. This was my first memory. I awoke that fateful day with only the memory of a dark night and enchanting melodies flowing through my head. I hadn't a inkling where I was. Desperate to find a place to call home, I tried traveling alone, tried finding where I was from, but when your 7, it was never a very good prospect on your own. I learned to remain very quiet, and to distrust people. The music from that night always stayed with me though. Strange, how the only constant in my life was the very thing that I knew the least about. The world can seem terribly cruel when I was young. Ponies, they always tried to "help me." Help me with what? They never even bothered to ask why I was running. Only the lies of family and new beginnings. How can you begin anew when you know nothing of the old?
When I was 9, I found a forest that behaved, well, differently. I couldn't hear the music that had plagued me since that terrible night. It was here I was determined to stay. I decided to built a hut on the remains of some old ruin, deep in the middle of the wood. Here I stayed and watched and listened and learned the secrets of the forest. The mysteries of the forest enchanted me and always will. I was, well, happy there. It was only later that I found out that my place of happiness and comport was the bane of the same for others. It seems all too fitting looking back now.
Several years after I had finished the hut and knew many secrets of the forest, I was visited by a dark pegasus, but she had a horn too. Confused at the wonder that was before me beheld, I invited her back to the hut, and I spoke to her there. She spoke to me, and she spoke of a old sin of hers that had caused the life I had. What could she mean? Who does she think she is? Prancing up to my hut and saying, I made you to live here? But then she sang that accursed song! It was her! The one that came in the night! I knew that she indeed had driven me to this haven, to escape the music, to try to find my old life and family. I cried, then and there. I don't know how long I was there, crying. I had many times thought of what to do if I found the one who made the music. Now, I knew none of it would be even close to the torture I had. Even this land of silence had been desecrated by her. I had to leave. This, Luna, had taken everything that he held dear. I had overcome this curse of hers, but she came again to plague me! This music, however was insuperable from my identity now, so I dedicated my life to show others the music, so that they might change it for me. Or so that they too may bear my curse, know my pain. To better this, Luna's, music. To better it, so I wouldn't suffer from it any more. I smiled. A name. Eclipse, to overcome his Luna, Mistress of the Moon. I walked away, unknowing that Luna was the only person that could share my suffering. Whispering the song that changed my life.
A few days later, I realized I had gotten my cutie mark. A simple moon and a cloud. Being currently obsessed with the idea that my purpose was to overcome Luna, Priestess of the Night, I believed that this confirmed my purpose was to taint her reputation in nothing else. Only now do I realize the cloud has another purpose, emphasis. Regardless, I went after causing dissonance against Princess Luna with renewed vigor, creating more cacophony and distrust for the Princess, believing that this was my purpose. Oh how I now see the vile creation I helped inspire, this horrid visage that Equestria sees our Princess as.
Shortly thereafter, Luna tracked me down. I was spreading a old and ancient song that would help none, this she knew well. It was there, in my old home she found me. I had come back to write the story of my life in the bark, inner wood and very being of the forest. She made me stay in my old home, to hear her sorrows. She too, had been hearing the song since that fateful night years ago. Years she had spent finding me and trying to help me, to help her escape. She, indeed, had felt my sorrow. I wished I could be angry at her, but I knew that it would do no good. She told me of how the night she took me, she took many others, and few awoke from the sleep they had been put in. Her sister Princess Celsestia was beyond anger when she found out. It took a very long time for their relationship to recover. She too, it seemed had lost family. I- I was beyond words. All I wanted was for her to feel my pain and sorrow. She had, it seemed and for much longer than I had. I told her that I would do all I could to help her, if she would simply promise me this, " Let me have the songs, and don't tell me my past. She was astonished. I had spent the better part of my life trying to escape all that I said I wished to keep. It was part of me now. I did ask her to tell me more of her songs, and to let me remember them. She blessed my mind to hear more than the one song, and I have spent my life since writing them and telling them to the world. I still talk with her every night. Never pony to pony, but I know she hears. I don't know how she hears, but I know she does. I find the world still as distrusting as in my youth, but I find strength to continue on. People still don't trust me, but who can blame them? I spent most all of my life in the Everfree Forest, and everyone knows that that place isn't normal to say the least. Despite their distrust, I still search the world over though. To tell of her songs is what I said I should do. I will follow Luna to the ends of the earth ...Into the Calm and Quiet ...
What do you think?
WE LOVE IT!
Very nice indeed
But you need to work on your structure (so do We)
This is a text block. I recommend you at least separate it into paragraphs so that it becomes readable. Have the paragraphs double spaced away from each other. I should let you fix this formatting ordeal before I critique the OC.
>.< Sorry, didn't realize that there were semi-real standard posting regulations, err I think. I tried to correct it. Hope you like it.
I apologize if I sounded a little too harsh previously.
This is a very peculiar approach to a very peculiar pony. I had to read it a couple of times before I could comprehend exactly what was happening. From my first impression, this pony has a very... complicated condition that boarders on something spiritual. I don't see very many ponies with spiritual conditions, so it's rather intriguing.
Now, her dealings with Luna seem a bit far fetched. You always need to be diligent when important characters play a key role with your character, as you suddenly must inherit all the assumptions that come with the character. This includes things such as canon, personality mastery, and lore related to the character. I generally become more and more suspicious the more you control a canon character, although if you do it correctly, it's more believable.
I just have a difficult time understanding why Luna is connected to this pony. Then again, you have yet to reveal all the crucial details concerning this song and exactly how it works and Eclipse's past. With that still unaccounted for, you have some flexibility with what you can get away with, as long as you can make up for it on a logical scale.
On a final note... it's a really great autobiography style story, but the nature of it makes it a bit... too descriptive. We know a lot more about the pony than I think we should, or we know things that we probably shouldn't. It takes out of the room to develop the character, unless that was not what you intended to do in the first place.