Legends of Equestria - Forum

closest thing to removal i guess

In my opinion he is really good but the fire may drive some of the ice loving ponies away like my two oc's Moonlight and Floe and Moon's marefriend Snow Dash but Moonlight makes friends with anypony he thinks isn't an enemy so I'm sure they would get along fine  ^-^

Take the Mary sue test. I think this maybe too powerful but that's just me

"Born with the fire" is waaaaaay too vague. Either give him regular parents, or explain your reasoning as to HOW a pony was born out of fire.

Is this supposed to be some sort of demi-god pony? What is this beast-form? I agree with Shadow Heart, take the Mary Sue test: http://www.springhole.net/writing/marysue.htm

Quote from: kenan89 on 2012 Nov 05, 11:16:12
he lives in a fire cloud (a red cloud with some fire on the outside)

A cloud on fire? Clouds are made of water vapor...I have trouble imagining a way that one could burn...


I would also in general recommend that you capitalize the beginning of each sentence, put a space after each comma, and avoid webspeak (idk, whatev, etc). It makes it hard to read what you're trying to say. Also maybe check for run-on or incomplete sentences. People wont be able to tell you what they think about your pony if they can't read your post easily. ^-^

Do you want my opinion?  I don't want to sound harsh, but to be honest, I think it's overpowered, vague, not enough description in terms of age/powers/abilities/personality/history/etc.

Take the Mary Sue test, think very, very hard about what you're trying to use the OC for, and try using variation of words.

Quote
Status:blank flank
what is his talent?  what is his personality?  what does he strive for?  what strengths and weaknesses does he have?

gender: colt/male
age: born with the fire...
what does this even mean?  is he older than Celestia?  younger than Ponyville?  is he a foal? a stallion?  what?

interests:speed,fire,animals and racing
that's a large range, and vague.  what do you mean "interested in speed"?  what does he like about animals?  does he raise them?  does he just like their appearance?  what?

race:pegasus

well i thinks that about it?
so much more you can add here.  I'd recommend taking a look at some of the more descriptive OC pages for ideas.

comment about him. what do you like about him
to be honest, there's not much to comment on or "like" at the moment, since you've given so few details.

bio:
may be parentless never meet his parents,
but he DOES have parents.  so who is he the son of?  was he raised in an orphanage?  did he get adopted?  did he raise himself?

people say that he is born with the fire, which means he kinda is like a fire that can do damage,
what does this mean?  what limits are there to his powers?  is he an elemental?  does he convert into flame?  or does he just have flame-like powers?  or is he just hot-tempered?

he has a beast form but that only get summoned when he is angry or tries to protect anyone,
what exactly does this mean?  what powers come with this "form"?  does he shapeshift?  does he just summon a familiar?  is he fully pony, or something else?

he comes from canterlot (maybe also have a connection with the crystal empire)
WHAT is this "connection"?  was he born a thousand years ago?  is he involved with Somber?  is he a creation of Somber?  what do you mean "have a connection"?

he can do one special thing, control. fire.
"control" in what way?  complete telekinetic control?  does he become part of it?  does it have a will or something?  what does this mean?

people get scared of it thats why he doesnt have any friends and hes lonely
what is "it"?  and there are WAY too many "friendless ponies" around.  No pony is an island, especially not in Equestria.

people say that he burned his parents, thats just a rumor,
if it's not true, then what IS the truth?

well as i said he comes from canterlot, was born in the fire (i mean with :D) it said that the day he can tame his form (beast form) he will be the protector of good and the bad.
which means what, exactly?  is he a demigod?  a normal pony?  a golem?  a djinn?  an ifrit?  an elemental?

he lives in a fire cloud (a red cloud with some fire on the outside)
where?  near Canterlot?  near ponyville?  in Everfree?

he has a fiery personality. he loves making people happy (he also has feelings for a special somepony /)'3')  *) he will probably never get her.
who is "her"?  what is his relationship with her?  how did he meet her?

well idk about you but i wrote enough about him
there is MUCH, MUCH more that can be written here.  you've barely given enough to even BEGIN a critique of.  As a beginning concept, it's all right, but it needs lots of work.

Well, could've been worse. I wanna put some of my own thoughts.

Quote from: kenan89 on 2012 Nov 05, 11:16:12
Status: blank flank

Why still a blank flank?

gender: colt/male
age: born with the fire...

Born with the fire? You mean he popped up from a live fire?

interests:speed,fire,animals and racing

Vagueness, like Magus said. When you say "speed", do you mean flying fast or driving a fast vehicle or running fast?

race:pegasus

well i thinks that about it?

Much like Magus said, there's a lot more you can add like his personality.

comment about him. what do you like about him

I still don't get the "born with the fire" part.

bio:
may be parentless never meet his parents, people say that he is born with the fire,

Parentless? Impossible. Everypony's got to be born from a mare. Why'd he never meet his parents? Was he abandoned?Still don't understand "born with fire"...

which means he kinda is like a fire that can do damage, he has a beast form but that only get summoned when he is angry or tries to protect anyone,

What kind of beast form? Does that make him look like some manticore? There's got to be limits for something so powerful.
"like a fire that can do damage". So he shapeshifts into fire. That's the only thing I have in mind.

he comes from canterlot (maybe also have a connection with the crystal empire)

Expand on this? Why was he born in canterlot? What were his pegasi parents doing there?
Or, in your story, how did the fire there bring him to life?

he can do one special thing, control. fire.

How? He's a pegasus isn't he? How does he control fire?

peopleponies get scared of it thats why he doesnt have any friends and hes lonely

Remember this line.

people ponies say that he burned his parents, thats just a rumor,

"may be parentless" contradicts this sentence.

well as i said he comes from canterlot, was born in the fire (i mean with :D) it said that the day he can tame his form (beast form) he will be the protector of good and the bad.

So he's neutral then. He protects the good from the bad and the bad from the good.
Why is he protector of good AND the bad?
Why would he protect the bad?

he lives in a fire cloud (a red cloud with some fire on the outside)

Um... No comment.

he has a fiery personality.

Well THERE'S your personality. This should've been all the way up there! But didn't you say he was lonely? Why would he have a personality like this if he was lonely?

he loves making people ponies happy

Again, you said he was lonely and everypony was scared of him. They would be too afraid to even let him make them happy.

(he also has feelings for a special somepony /)'3')  *) he will probably never get her.

Who? We must know of this mare he likes ovO

well idk about you but i wrote enough about him

Still needs a lot of explanations for things, like how he materialises out of a fire, who the mare he likes is, and why he's still a blank flank. If he likes fire and can control fire, wouldn't fire be his cutie mark?

closest thing to removal i guess

if it's a "secret" I suppose you've got a right to keep it.  so he's a golem/elemental of some sort?  interesting.  Regardless, my points stand.  You REALLY need to expand on the limits of his powers, elsewise there is too much room for powerplaying and godmodding.  In no way, shape or form is this anywhere near complete as a description.

Also: you're TRIPLE posting.  use the modify button at the top-right corner of your posts if you want to add something; otherwise it's poor form.

Aww, i feel bad about the part where it said "hes lonely", im usually lonely in rl so ik how it feels like  >A<, but here i got loads of friends :3, STILL! he can be friends with one of my ocs! Like..mostly Drixie!  :D

Quote from: Anibell April Dash on 2012 Nov 07, 20:04:26
Aww, i feel bad about the part where it said "hes lonely", im usually lonely in rl so ik how it feels like  >A<, but here i got loads of friends :3, STILL! he can be friends with one of my ocs! Like..mostly Drixie!  :D

show me them maybe he like em

Wow another black/red colorscheme O.C lets see what we got here.

Quote from: kenan89 on 2012 Nov 05, 11:16:12
Hi heres blazehunter: [IMG]http://i50.tinypic.com/1zf0xfq.png[/img]

Status:blank flank.
Typical blank flanks for no reason.
gender: colt/male.
age: born with the fire...
What? If you mean where he was born in it has nothing to do with age. What does he say when someone asks him how old he is? Is he a colt , or a grown stallion?
interests:speed,fire,animals and racing.
How is someone interested in speed? Do you mean actual study of physics , and determining how fast things can go at certain conditions , or do you just like running?
race:pegasus.

well i thinks that about it?.
comment about him. what do you like about him.

bio:
May be parentless never meet his parents, people say that he is born with the fire, which means he kinda is like a fire that can do damage. He has a beast form but that only get summoned when he is angry or tries to protect someone.
Oh boy its another black/red pony with no parents.Also can you tell me more about the beast form? I can't really talk about it since all I know is that he has to get angry for it.
He comes from canterlot (maybe also have a connection with the crystal empire). He can do one special thing, control. fire.
Okay how does he have a connection with the crystal empire?It disappeared for 1000 years , and I can't question that logic considering you didn't leave any age. Also this is like an alicorn except he doesn't have a horn , but he can still use all fire spells? Why not just give him a horn then?
Ponies get scared of it thats why he doesnt have any friends and hes lonely.
Again? How many people have the same idea where ponies are afraid of them , and they don't have parents yet for some odd coincidence they all have black/red color scheme.
Ponies say that he burned his parents, thats just a rumor.
Wow you even put the morbid story here. Seriously this is starting to remind me of king Darksoul
Well as i said he comes from canterlot, was born in the fire (i mean with :D) it said that the day he can tame his form (beast form) he will be the protector of good and the bad.
Wow extremely op power , and form. You have everything here don't you?
He lives in a fire cloud (a red cloud with some fire on the outside) he has a fiery personality. he loves making people happy. (he also has feelings for a special somepony /)'3')  *) he will probably never get her.
Well idk about you but i wrote enough about him.
Wow you even added the *Only accessed by pony base.*
Well idk i edited it so it will be easier to read and understand... just for rp im gonna say its difficult to type with hooves

All in all this is exactly what I would expect from a pony of that color scheme. This not only needs more work , but an entire recreation.

Quote from: kenan89 on 2012 Nov 07, 14:36:04

Spoiler: show

Quote from: Tiger on 2012 Nov 05, 23:09:05
Well, could've been worse. I wanna put some of my own thoughts.

Quote from: kenan89 on 2012 Nov 05, 11:16:12
Status: blank flank

Why still a blank flank?

gender: colt/male
age: born with the fire...

Born with the fire? You mean he popped up from a live fire?

interests:speed,fire,animals and racing

Vagueness, like Magus said. When you say "speed", do you mean flying fast or driving a fast vehicle or running fast?

race:pegasus

well i thinks that about it?

Much like Magus said, there's a lot more you can add like his personality.

comment about him. what do you like about him

I still don't get the "born with the fire" part.

bio:
may be parentless never meet his parents, people say that he is born with the fire,

Parentless? Impossible. Everypony's got to be born from a mare. Why'd he never meet his parents? Was he abandoned?Still don't understand "born with fire"...

which means he kinda is like a fire that can do damage, he has a beast form but that only get summoned when he is angry or tries to protect anyone,

What kind of beast form? Does that make him look like some manticore? There's got to be limits for something so powerful.
"like a fire that can do damage". So he shapeshifts into fire. That's the only thing I have in mind.

he comes from canterlot (maybe also have a connection with the crystal empire)

Expand on this? Why was he born in canterlot? What were his pegasi parents doing there?
Or, in your story, how did the fire there bring him to life?

he can do one special thing, control. fire.

How? He's a pegasus isn't he? How does he control fire?

peopleponies get scared of it thats why he doesnt have any friends and hes lonely

Remember this line.

people ponies say that he burned his parents, thats just a rumor,

"may be parentless" contradicts this sentence.

well as i said he comes from canterlot, was born in the fire (i mean with ) it said that the day he can tame his form (beast form) he will be the protector of good and the bad.

So he's neutral then. He protects the good from the bad and the bad from the good.
Why is he protector of good AND the bad?
Why would he protect the bad?

he lives in a fire cloud (a red cloud with some fire on the outside)

Um... No comment.

he has a fiery personality.

Well THERE'S your personality. This should've been all the way up there! But didn't you say he was lonely? Why would he have a personality like this if he was lonely?

he loves making people ponies happy

Again, you said he was lonely and everypony was scared of him. They would be too afraid to even let him make them happy.

(he also has feelings for a special somepony /)'3')  *) he will probably never get her.

Who? We must know of this mare he likes

well idk about you but i wrote enough about him

Still needs a lot of explanations for things, like how he materialises out of a fire, who the mare he likes is, and why he's still a blank flank. If he likes fire and can control fire, wouldn't fire be his cutie mark?

"hes born with the fire" he was created with fire he might been a demon or something
and the reson fire is not his mark is because he might aswell not actually be a pony lol...
[/quote]
"Might be a demon."
That just makes him a lot more OP.
Still, how does he form out of fire? Do the ashes form themselves into a completely overpowered "pony"?

I'll have to agree with Blues to quite a large extent on this one. Sorry, he's just too overpowered for our likings.

the color scheme is fine but u need to get rid of one power, get rid of his beast form or fire powers

closest thing to removal i guess

Kenan please stop double/triple posting, keep everything in one post or use the edit button otherwise im closing this topic

i think u should get rid of the beast form. Blaze Hunter would be a hunter of blaze if he could't control fire!

Oh no don't get me wrong I have nothing against that color scheme its just that its overused , and I always manage to predict what the O.C is with it. I take one look at a color scheme , and I already check off adopted/ageless/blank flank/op/only accessed by himself house/extremely important role/morbid story of the not original list. I would give my soul to someone that made a red/black O.C without any of those qualities.

Quote from: Blues-Music on 2012 Nov 10, 09:01:39
Oh no don't get me wrong I have nothing against that color scheme its just that its overused , and I always manage to predict what the O.C is with it. I take one look at a color scheme , and I already check off adopted/ageless/blank flank/op/only accessed by himself house/extremely important role/morbid story of the not original list. I would give my soul to someone that made a red/black O.C without any of those qualities.

hmm... I should try just for kicks lol

closest thing to removal i guess

wut do u mean, ur oc looks fine!

Quote from: ShadowHeart on 2012 Nov 19, 14:25:43
wut do u mean, ur oc looks fine!

hes a bloody monster dude.... i just wanna regret creating him and his occ page

Quote from: Smoshy on 2012 Nov 22, 17:55:48

;u;

Smoshy tinks dis pony is good pony. Of course there are a 'few' things you could change/specify... But I'm just taking this as a "Rough Draft Pony."

And putting things like "No offence" in front of the things you say doesn't lessen the rudeness.... I was reading through some of the comment and I understand when you post such things you're asking for judgement but, sheesh. >3< You could be a little more nice.

*squeals and hides* 

When we're saying bad things about OCs, we're trying to help the person improve their OC, not trying to bad mouth them. By pointing out their mistakes, we can help them improve in those aspects.

Of course, SOME people take it in wrongly... That's the problem with these forums, like Blues said. No one can ever take criticism.

*i* can take criticism...

Quote from: The Wandering Magus on 2012 Nov 22, 22:18:24
*i* can take criticism...

Of course there are exceptions.

But most ponies, mostly n00bs, just can't take criticism and go "OMG U SO MEAN I HATE U HSDHSDD"  :l

Quote from: Tiger on 2012 Nov 22, 23:36:45

Quote from: The Wandering Magus on 2012 Nov 22, 22:18:24
*i* can take criticism...

Of course there are exceptions.

But most ponies, mostly n00bs, just can't take criticism and go "OMG U SO MEAN I HATE U HSDHSDD"  :l

I can tell x3  it takes time to mature and get used to frankness on the internet.

what about super sensetive ponies....they aren't noobs  >.<

Quote from: kenan89 on 2012 Nov 25, 12:44:51
someone.. please kill him.. NOW put him out of his misery ;_;

Hey, chill. Everyone's gotta start at something. Most of the time, that something is overpowered. Hay, my very first OC was a sonic fan character, and she was EXTREMELY overpowered. Everyone makes their first mistake, and then they move on.

Just start his characteristics from scratch again. There is nothing wrong with his design, it's just his history and all that stuff.

if you honestly want to start over then do so. I've trashed a lot of characters before but just know that it was your first attempt and that it wasn't THAT bad