My OC thread

Started by Omega_Khaos, 2013 Feb 18, 04:38:36

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Omega_Khaos

2013 Feb 18, 04:38:36 Last Edit: 2013 Sep 09, 05:17:04 by Omega_Khaos
(incomplete but advise would be helpful.)
OK first off not fully finished setting up everything but what i have will be available for all to see.


only thing not right with pic is coat color and wing color

O.C.
Name: Techno (A.K.A. Tech)
Race: Pegasus
Gender: Stallion
Age: 32
Size: 1/2 that of normal Pegasus
Mane/Tail: Red Tech style
Coat: Dusty Grey and covered in dust.
Wings: Metallic Silver (See back story)
Personality: open and outgoing
Cutie Mark: three Gears made of three different materials.
Special Purpose: Machines and working with them as well as on them or just creating them.
Home: Cloudsdale and The Rainbow Fortress
Favorite place to be: working at the Weather Factory repairing their machines.
Favorite Project: The Rainbow Fortress
Likes: almost everyone
Dislikes: all dark beings (not crusader type dislike)
Origin: hasn't told any pony
Current project: The Rainbow Core (see back story)

Back Story: He is a small Pegasus for his age. He is outgoing and open to the realm of possibilities. He lives and works most of the time in Cloudsdale. when not in Cloudsdale or with friends he s working on his masterpiece The Rainbow Fortress. in its final stages he still needs a power source that can power it long after he is gone. He is trying to create the power core needed to keep The Rainbow Fortress active even after he is gone. he is one of few Pegasi that can actually get into the gears of the machines at the Weather Factory for direct repairs to keep production at 100%+.
One day while working on the machines that help produce the spectra he lost much of his wings and was said he could never fly again but after long hours of sick leave from his duties at the factory he created artificial wings that work just as good as Pegasus ones to get himself back on his feet. he now uses his knowledge of Pegasus Anatomy to help others who have lost or never had gained the true ability to fly. His Pegasi abilities stem only from his cutie mark and his special purpose, so as long as he can do his thing with the machines he loves then he is as care free as can be but if one were to hurt any of his machines he is a force to be reckoned with.

Allies/Acquaintances: Exiled Changeling, Chrysteel (an O.C. Changeling Princess, who hates the Changeling Queen for what she has done.)

OK break over, time for me to get back to work.

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O.C. 2
Name: Chrysteel (She chose to give up her Princess title so she can start a new life but it will always be apart of her in the form of her tiara plate on her head)
Age: Filly (about 12 years old)
Gender: Filly
coat: black with holes
Mane/Tail: Teal Blue/Pink (No holes)
Wings: Transparent Teal Green (Has holes)
Favorite Food: anything made with love and care
Likes: True Love (good source of food)
dislike: Arguing of all kinds
Loves: making new friends
Hates: Changeling Queen (for her foolishness in attacking Canterlot)
Home: Homeless/Exile
Origin: Changeling Hive

Background: new to Equestria, but not liked by most because of her ideals. Left the Hive in search of friendship and maybe a true love of her own when she gets old enough. Stays where ever she can and hoping that they don't mind her eating habits. She is very open to ideas and truths but has not idea what a cutie mark is, tough she has heard of them and has seen them, or even if she can get one. her purpose is still unknown to her but she wants to make things right and prove that not all Changelings are love eating vampires. Her first friend is Tech who works in Cloudsdale. she has seen but avoids because of the Changeling incident the mane 6. But does eventually want to be friends with them maybe even help them better understand changelings a little more.

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Thanks. Just drop me a message if ya want to RP and if on will be able to RP for a bit at a time

The Changeling O.C. Chrysteel is available though she is still a foal and very open to development.

~Tech/Chrysteel

Chirp

Umm, please. Keep smileys to a minimum.

Second, what's with the changing colours? None of the alicorns have it.

Third, I hope you're not planning on RPing with Twilight here, people do not like random alicorns in the rp.

Somebeing

At LoE, we are all here to love and tolerate.

Once you leave, if you use such character...

...you will be hated.

Alright alright, to the reviewing.

Cons:

Not much to say, since you aren't done. The most obvious thing, is that your OC is Overpowered by far. Having a part of the main character's name in your name doesn't help, and being a Alicorn is the 1st thing telling me that your pony is Mary Sue. Your overuse of interaction with the main characters and the princesses just tells me that everything, and I mean everything, seems overpowered to me.

If you think that I'm not fair, look at all of us. Most of us would be Alicorns.

P.S. If your planning to use him in the game, they don't allow Alicorns, sadly.

Pros: It is overpowered, but I've seen much worse. I do like the changing colour's mane idea. No-pony has implemented a idea like that.

=P Don't be ashamed, I've done the same mistakes as you did. I just don't want anypony to hate on you for such overpowered beings.

Omega_Khaos

2013 Feb 18, 12:06:23 #3 Last Edit: 2013 Feb 18, 12:11:32 by Omega_Khaos
@Somebeing

As part of his personality the race thing was still up in the air. not to mintion that his perpous means he has to be fast at getting places. His magic is far to specialized in guarding abilities to make him overly strong. he only has chat based relations with them just like all other ponies. He learns from them as much as they learn from their adventures in Ponyville.

@Chirp
Sorry about all the smileys will tone them down.  Used the smileys to state his mood about the things listed. The color change is part of who he is and a mishap from a mood tracking spell he once cast when he was young and has not been able to correct it yet, as I stated for back story kind of complicated.

@ Somebeing & Chirp
not used in RP. i prefer the Pegasus Tech for that stuff. if yall want I can put up his profile up as well.

Gracie Sky

Spoiler: show


Uh... this needs just a touch of professionalism. A nice spelling and grammar check and the use of no more than one smiley at a time. That would be just great.

As for the character itself, I can't really comment on it until he has a story to validate how... interesting his talent is. I'm not really optimistic, though. How does one even protect something like Harmony?
Character Critique Thread

Have your OC fairly and honestly evaluated!

Morning Glory

Yeah, here's the trick with good OCs: Make them fit into the world. With this character, you made the world fit him. While it might be a fun fantasy for you, that's all that it will ever be. Most of the players here won't want to RP with a universe-breaking character.

And in my honest opinion, when you take your character and shove them into the lives of the existing characters, it always looks a little desperate to me. It sounds (to me) like you're saying "Hey! Look at me! My character is really important because they're friends with all these characters!" Other players are not likely to take you seriously. To make your character valuable, you're better off giving them a full personality and lifestyle, with strengths and weaknesses.

This also seems more like a ponysona, or even a fantasy self-insert. Like "If I were a pony, I would want to be just like this!" This generally doesn't result in very good or likeable characters.

I'm not saying this to try to be mean, or put you down, I'm just letting you know how you come across to me.


Let's break it down!


Quote from: Omega_Khaos on 2013 Feb 18, 04:38:36
(incomplete but advise would be helpful.)
OK first off not fully finished setting up everything but what i have will be available for all to see.

O.C.
Name: Twilight Harmony (goes by the name of Silver or Silver-Wing depends on who knows him.) [Like Somebeing said, having a main-character's name in your OC's name is kind of, tactless. If he goes by Silver Wing, why not name him Silver Wing? A pony's name does not have to define what they do. Look at Pinkie Pie. That has nothing to do with partying.]
Race: Alicorn [Erm, yeah. Too overpowered, and just uncreative. Instead of making a character that has a strength, and a weakness, alicorn characters bypass all that to make an uber-Sue. It's basically a cliche, or a trope around here. You also wont be welcome in a lot of RPs]
Gender: Stallion
Age: Unknown (but has been seen sense about discords first sealing) [At the very least he should know his own age. More OP-ness. I'd make him an actual age and leave the immortality to the demi-gods]
Mane/tail: always changing colors [Think of how often he'll clash with himself  :I]
Coat: silver to midnight blue (depends on mood) [Mood-based color changes are kind of cliche. Just pick one]
Cutie Mark: Symbols of the elements in balance. [What would that even look like? o.O ]
Special Purpose: Guardian of Harmony [So, what did he do before Twilight and Co were born? Just sit around?]

Personality: Secretive but open to making new friends. [This kind of contradicts itself. Pick one or the other]
Fav saying: "I protect all that is Harmony. Including the elements."
Birthplace: Unknown to all Equestrians but Alicorns and The Doctor. [It's like you're trying to make a unique sort of  mystery, but it goes so far against the canon, it's only interesting to you, the creator]
Home: a place hidden somewhere in the world of Equestria called "The Rainbow Fortress"(managed and maintained by another O.C. Techno A.K.A. Tech)
Most watched: The Elements of Harmony (but not personal lives) [Stalker, much? :/ ]
Most Protected: Harmony (Unless a lesson is needing to be learned from it) [Ok we get it, he protects Harmony? Is there anything else to this character?]
Likes: Twilight Sparkle [Like as in crush? Cause those my friend are choppy waters. It's just too much of a stretch to ask other players to believe that our favorite ponies have piles of relatives we've never heard of. Sure, maybe one or two, but since everyone has this idea, it ends up being that Rainbow Dash has 21 sisters, 56 boyfriends and 88 secret long lost twins. All the relations of many different OCs just contradict one another too much.]
Dislikes: Chrysalis
Love: Mane 6, Celestia, Luna, Cadence (no intentions of breaking up her and Mr. Armor) [Oh this is the romantic love department? See my above comment nonetheless]
Hates: Darkness of all kinds [That seems to be all this character is. A one-dimensional, cardboard cut-out crusader.]
Those who know of him: mane 6(but not by name), Celestia, Luna, Cadence(but not by name) and The Doctor(plz don't ask because part of complicated back story) [If they don't know his name, they don't really know him, do they? And saying (It's complicated, don't ask), is just sort of frustrating for anyone looking at this character. Either tell us, or don't mention it.]
Friends: Mane 6(though not by name), Celestia, Luna, the Doctor, Cadence(though not by name) and Tech [If they don't even know his name, how is he their friend? I guess he could be called an ally. Still, sounds more like stalker than anything else :s]
Curious about: The happenings of Harmony. [And that's about all he's interested in it seems. Doesn't the guy have a hobby? A job? I presume he doesn't get paid to follow the Mane-six around all day...]

Back Story: (kind of complicated, so can't spell it out here yet got to organize it some more first)
Children: One, adopted changeling, Chrysteel (an O.C. Changeling Princess, who hates her mom and what she has done.)

[I'm not even touching this....  >:/ ]



time to start watching the elements grow and evolve.



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Name: Techno (A.K.A. Tech)
Race: Pegasus
Gender: Stallion
Age: 32
Size: 1/2 that of normal Pegasus
Mane/Tail: Red Tech style
Coat: Dusty Grey and covered in dust.
Wings: Metallic Silver (See back story)
Personality: open and outgoing
Cutie Mark: three Gears made of three different materials.
Special Purpose: Machines and working with them as well as on them or just creating them.
Home: Cloudsdale and The Rainbow Fortress
Favorite place to be: working at the Weather Factory repairing the machines.
Favorite Project: The Rainbow Fortress
Likes: almost everyone
Dislikes: all dark beings
Origin: unknown
Current project: The Rainbow Core (see back story)

Back Story: He is a small Pegasus for his age. He is outgoing and open to the realm of possibilities. He lives and works most of the time in Cloudsdale. when not in Cloudsdale or with friends he s working on his masterpiece The Rainbow Fortress. in its final stages he still needs a power source that can power it long after he is gone. He is trying to create the power core needed to keep The Rainbow Fortress active even after he is gone. he is one of few Pegasi that can actually get into the gears of the machines at the Weather Factory for direct repairs to keep production at 100%+.
One day while working on the machines that help produce the spectra he lost much of his wings and was said he could never fly again but after long hours of sick leave from his duties at the factory he created artificial wings that work just as good as Pegasus ones to get himself back on his feet. he now uses his knowledge of Pegasus Anatomy to help others who have lost or never had gained the true ability to fly. His Pegasi abilities stem only from his cutie mark and his special purpose, so as long as he can do his thing with the machines he loves then he is as care free as can be but if one were to hurt any of his machines he is a force to be reckoned with.

OK break over, time for me to get back to work.


[This character is much better. Way more interesting and likeable. The flightless pegasus is a popular trope, but not a terrible one unless it's over-dramatized. This character fits into the world, rather than stretching the world to fit him.
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Sorry, about the messy nature of how some of it turned out but these are my mane two O.C.s but only one (the Pegasus) will actually be RPing anytime soon. i do have one more also listed in Harmony's bit but she is still a long ways from completion.

Now I know people don't like Alicorns but i added harmony as a bit of a Cross-over O.C. So can ya please be Kind with him. [I'm not sure what you're crossing-over with, but that's generally not a very good idea. MLP has such an extensive universe with lots of unique rules that it's hard to find other franchises that cross-over smoothly without disrupting the world or the characters in a considerable way.]

Thanks. Just drop me a message if ya want to RP (Tech only) and if on will be able to RP for a bit at a time

~Tech






[All in all, the first OC seems kind of pointless. He seems like a fever dream almost- a fantasy of what his creator would like to be in the MLP universe. Aside from being a champion of harmony, he has no characterization at all. Bland, flat and one-dimensional. Not to mention following the mane-six without introducing himself to them is kind of...creepy :I. And since you aren't using him in RP, why post him here?

Your second character is much better, but since he's tied to the first, he kind of gets dragged down int he process. I would just start with a plain-old everyday pony. Believe it or not, these ones are much more successful in Rp, end up being much better developed, and are way more well-liked in the community. I realize I was a little harsh on your first character, but it's hard not to want to point out where someone went wrong. It's clear you're a big fan of the existing character and want to be a part of their lives. But you can't really do that cooperatively, which is what RP is all about. If you really are attached to this character and his plot, maybe write a fic about him instead.

I hope you don't take this review personally, as it is not intended as an attack against you. I'm just hoping you'll understand where you went wrong and I hope you will keep making characters and improving as a writer  ^-^.]





Omega_Khaos

2013 Feb 19, 23:21:42 #6 Last Edit: 2013 Feb 19, 23:56:03 by Omega_Khaos
@Morning Glory
O.C. 1
Never uses real name around them.(removed. Thanks for the help he is always the one most start with and not noticing the other one.) on another note in some ways your right I would like to be him in Equestria but not the way i portray him. (different personalities and cutie marks). Also not wanting to be a stalker but a close friend anypony can rely on. His watching of the elements is a task given to him by Celestia(and it helps his purpose). haven't got the Back story finished so too many questions come up.

O.C. 2
He not really connected to the first that just where the first lives. also the universe of Equinox is where he is from but didn't want to say that for fear of people not liking him, also he never told any pony(his dark secret). His life is much more like a normal pony then the other the only thing he got going for him is the tech part. The R.B.F.(Rainbow Fortress) will only go with Tech (his pet project) not with Twilight Harmony. (thanks for the words it helped allot.)  :D

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