Character Critique Thread

[Chitin]

Hello, it's Chitin again.

I just wanted to thank you for your review and say that I've taken what you said to heart. I'm honestly surprised I didn't realize how vague my descriptions were. 

I just finished revising Chitin and Weaver's bios and was wondering if you'd give them another look.

Weaver/Chitin

[HaponyHanzo]

hi could you take a look at my oc again? i added and changed some stuff and want to read your thoughts about it http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=8915.0

[narwhaliagames]

could you take a look at my oc
name: oki
gender: male
age: 18
race: unicorn
personality: fun loving, playful, slightly insane, musical, bold, crazy, witty, doesn't care what other ponies think
instrument of choice: his voice
skills: can play a wide variety of instruments, is a skilled singer, can outwit most, is a fast runner, skilled in illusion magic
likes: humor, pranks, music, chaos, fun, the occasional breaking of the 4th wall, pinkie pie
dislikes: seriousness, boredom, sanity, depression
occupation: street singer
appearance: wears a red hoodie that can zip over his face with an odd smiling face on it, he has white fur and a short lime green mane, his cutie mark is the face on his hoodie
theme song:

[Gracie Sky]

I think you should at least properly capitalize so it doesn't appear so amateurish.

With that said, there's really little I can comment on. He does sound a little overpowered, being a street singer skilled with illusion magic, unless you can provide some proof as to how he became good at it. I mean one normally attends school to learn and harness magic and it seems odd that one who would attend school would end up as a street singer.

[Dark Hooves]

Spoiler: show

Name: Silver Wind Rainfall (Orphanage RP
Species: pegasus
Wing power: unknown
Gender: female
Age: 2 almost 3
Coat color: storm cloud silver with slivers of white
Mane and tail color: storm cloud purple
Eye color: left eye purple/right eye gold
Personality: boisterous, fun loving, kind
Positive traits: loves playing with stuffed animals, horse playing, loves to share
Cutiemark: Three wind blown clouds
Special talent: not currently known
B-day: April 4, 2010
Likes: stuffed animals, the color purple
Dislikes: arguing, broccoli
Favorite food: toaster pastries
Occupation: none
Dream job: unknown
Skills: none
Hobbies: drawing, making paper airplanes, anything or anypony that can fly

She just earned her CM in the LiP RP, also I need to edit her life story to bring it up to date with the RP.

[Gracie Sky]

How can a pony have a cutie mark without knowing what their special talent is? I was under the impression a pony received their cutie mark upon realizing that one thing that made them special.

[Dark Hooves]

Spoiler: show

Name: Silver Wind Rainfall (Orphanage RP
Species: pegasus
Wing power: unknown
Gender: female
Age: 2 almost 3
Coat color: storm cloud silver with slivers of white
Mane and tail color: storm cloud purple
Eye color: left eye purple/right eye gold
Personality: boisterous, fun loving, kind
Positive traits: loves playing with stuffed animals, horse playing, loves to share
Cutiemark: Three wind blown clouds
Special talent: creating strong winds
B-day: April 4, 2010
Likes: stuffed animals, the color purple
Dislikes: arguing, broccoli
Favorite food: toaster pastries
Occupation: none
Dream job: unknown
Skills: none
Hobbies: drawing, making paper airplanes, anything or anypony that can fly

She just earned her CM in the LiP RP, also I need to edit her life story to bring it up to date with the RP.

I forgot to put that

[Renatan]

Would you be able to do my OC Dark Grave?  I'm just worried she could be improved and I don't even see it. I won't take anything offensively, so don't hold back. I mean, from what I've seen you're more descriptive then "your OC sucks, and you suck  "

Spoiler: show

Name: Dark Grave
Age: 16
Gender: mare
Race: pegasus
Cutie Mark: a pony skull
Family: none known
Talent: dark magic/necromancy
Likes: solitude, nature, any weather, night
Dislikes: lots of noise, most fillies/colts, bright lights, Celestia or anyone who could interfere with her talent
Enemies: None officially addressed
Friends: Although she never says it, she considers her apprentice, Loath Flash, her friend
Fears: Death, some white magic, powerful ponies, dogs
Bio: Dark Grave was born somewhere uncharted to most ponies, and grew up being taught by her parents. She had no siblings, so she had lots of attention. Her mother was always willing to help her, meanwhile her father worked to keep them alive by gathering food and protecting them from any wild animals, such as Timberwolves. One thing about them, though, was that her father was actually a unicorn; her mother was a Pegasus. Her father had taken her into the woods one day to teach her to gather food that was safe to eat, and to show her what not to eat. While they were there a seemingly mad pony confronted them, demanding them to hand over whatever they had. Of course, this was nothing, for they hadn't even gathered anything yet. This angered the pony, causing him to attack. Dark's father acted quickly, doing the first thing he though of: fight back.
Using his magic he tore a tree limb off, swinging it at the pony.
A sharp crack echoed around the area as the pony slumped over, blood trickling from his head. Dark watched as her father chucked the body away with levitation. He quickly hustled her back to the cottage and told her to stay there for the rest of the day with her mother. But Dark realized something from that experience: she would do anything to use magic. The limits to it were endless. She thought of Celestia and Luna, how they could move the sun and moon! Amazing! She was a Pegasus, but she would still try to learn. In her own way, of course.
Skipping the more grim details, Dark learned magic through using old black magic, long forgotten. She changed things about them so that they could be done with blood, flesh, and bone. No horn needed! To this day she is still practicing, raising her powers. She avoids society as much as possible so as to avoid questions or suspicion. After all, she takes lone, sometimes lost foals and kills them, or cuts off just what she needs and lets them go so long as they don't tell anyone about her.
If they don't bleed to death before they reach anyone first, that is.
(How she met Loath Flash will be described in Loath's bio)
Born in: Unknown
Lives in: A forest some ways away from Ponyville
Theme: none yet
[spoiler][IMG]http://i41.tinypic.com/2iux3qh.png[/img]

[/spoiler]

[Asterian Starfall]

Would you be able to do my OC Dark Grave?  I'm just worried she could be improved and I don't even see it. I won't take anything offensively, so don't hold back. I mean, from what I've seen you're more descriptive then "your OC sucks, and you suck  "

Spoiler: show

Name: Dark Grave
Age: 16
Gender: mare
Race: pegasus
Cutie Mark: a pony skull
Family: none known
Talent: dark magic/necromancy
Likes: solitude, nature, any weather, night
Dislikes: lots of noise, most fillies/colts, bright lights, Celestia or anyone who could interfere with her talent
Enemies: None officially addressed
Friends: Although she never says it, she considers her apprentice, Loath Flash, her friend
Fears: Death, some white magic, powerful ponies, dogs
Bio: Dark Grave was born somewhere uncharted to most ponies, and grew up being taught by her parents. She had no siblings, so she had lots of attention. Her mother was always willing to help her, meanwhile her father worked to keep them alive by gathering food and protecting them from any wild animals, such as Timberwolves. One thing about them, though, was that her father was actually a unicorn; her mother was a Pegasus. Her father had taken her into the woods one day to teach her to gather food that was safe to eat, and to show her what not to eat. While they were there a seemingly mad pony confronted them, demanding them to hand over whatever they had. Of course, this was nothing, for they hadn't even gathered anything yet. This angered the pony, causing him to attack. Dark's father acted quickly, doing the first thing he though of: fight back.
Using his magic he tore a tree limb off, swinging it at the pony.
A sharp crack echoed around the area as the pony slumped over, blood trickling from his head. Dark watched as her father chucked the body away with levitation. He quickly hustled her back to the cottage and told her to stay there for the rest of the day with her mother. But Dark realized something from that experience: she would do anything to use magic. The limits to it were endless. She thought of Celestia and Luna, how they could move the sun and moon! Amazing! She was a Pegasus, but she would still try to learn. In her own way, of course.
Skipping the more grim details, Dark learned magic through using old black magic, long forgotten. She changed things about them so that they could be done with blood, flesh, and bone. No horn needed! To this day she is still practicing, raising her powers. She avoids society as much as possible so as to avoid questions or suspicion. After all, she takes lone, sometimes lost foals and kills them, or cuts off just what she needs and lets them go so long as they don't tell anyone about her.
If they don't bleed to death before they reach anyone first, that is.
(How she met Loath Flash will be described in Loath's bio)
Born in: Unknown
Lives in: A forest some ways away from Ponyville
Theme: none yet
[spoiler][IMG]http://i41.tinypic.com/2iux3qh.png[/img]

[/spoiler]

Kind of dark back-story and personality, but intriguing to me personally!

I like how you defy the usual rules of magic with the fact that your OC is a pegasus. She found a way to do something unique to her and to her alone. Quite creative!

On the other hoof, I have to say that murdering young, innocent colts/fillies is a little violent. If you wish to dismiss cannon logic, which I myself do, then by all means continue!

I... do not really have much else to say. I am a little busy at the moment.

[Gracie Sky]

Well, first off, I'd like to get all the logical flaws out of the way.

I was wondering if there was a particularly good reason her parents named her Dark Grave. Unless both of them were also practitioners of dark magic, which didn't seem to be the case from what I read, an Equestrian family naming their daughter Dark Grave sounds a bit out of place. It sounds like a case of naming a pony after her special talent, which she didn't have when she was born, thus the flaw.

The maddened pony you mentioned should have a bit of foreshadowing or at least further explanation. He appeared out of nowhere for the sheer purpose of getting killed and then was never mentioned since then. I ask for an explanation because maddened ponies who demand all your belongings and then attack you because you have none I can't see existing, even as a plot device. Furthermore... not too sure a single blow from a broken tree branch would do a pony in. Of course, these all are just details; the whole point of this is just for Dark to see magic being used to kill another pony. I also happen to disagree with murder in Equestria, but that's just preference.

Now... necromancy... hmm. I'm not going to touch that subject, nor will I ask how and from where she was able to learn such arts for the purpose of being able to use magic without a horn.

[Renatan]

Well, first off, I'd like to get all the logical flaws out of the way.

I was wondering if there was a particularly good reason her parents named her Dark Grave. Unless both of them were also practitioners of dark magic, which didn't seem to be the case from what I read, an Equestrian family naming their daughter Dark Grave sounds a bit out of place. It sounds like a case of naming a pony after her special talent, which she didn't have when she was born, thus the flaw.

The maddened pony you mentioned should have a bit of foreshadowing or at least further explanation. He appeared out of nowhere for the sheer purpose of getting killed and then was never mentioned since then. I ask for an explanation because maddened ponies who demand all your belongings and then attack you because you have none I can't see existing, even as a plot device. Furthermore... not too sure a single blow from a broken tree branch would do a pony in. Of course, these all are just details; the whole point of this is just for Dark to see magic being used to kill another pony. I also happen to disagree with murder in Equestria, but that's just preference.

Now... necromancy... hmm. I'm not going to touch that subject, nor will I ask how and from where she was able to learn such arts for the purpose of being able to use magic without a horn.

Thanks! As it turns out, though, most of this is covered in the uncensored version o3o "Skipping all the gorier details". That was my way of saying "more stuff happens but I have to not include it or LOE mods are going to chew me out angrily". The mad pony was actually meant to die from.... well, I can't say it here either  I had to be very careful with my characters Dark Grave, Loath Flash, and Crooked Path so as not to break rules. They have censored bios, so some things aren't included (such as exactly how Dark Grave came to existence. Her parents actually did use dark magic.... I have to leave it at that  )

[moonlight7starshine]

Il let you critique on moonlight when her story is done

[Night Pony]

Is this still open? I posted once my OCs but it went ignored.

[Link]

It is, it's just Gracie is often busy and can't review everyone. I'd reccomend re-posting if it's several pages back.

[Night Pony]

No after I saw that she started reviewing characters after the post, I deleted it.

[Gracie Sky]

  I'm not that busy. While it is possible that I may simply forget to critique a character or lose track of which order I'm doing them in, the most common reason I don't reply to posts is because there is no additional constructive criticism I can add from my last review of the character in question.

I'm rather sure that I looked at Night Pony's OCs before... and commented on them. I can't really say for sure why I didn't reply, since it was a while ago, but if I had to guess, it was probably because there wasn't enough change to the characters and story, for better or for worse, to warrent an entire re-evaluation of your work.

Of course, if you want, I can take another look and possibly give you a very similar review to my last one... Assuming I even did a proper review of your characters. I do know the basics about your two characters, but whether I did a critique on it, I can't say for sure. I apologize for any inconveniences.

[Night Pony]

You never gave opinion on my OCs as far as I can remember. The only review I have is the one from the other thread from bananamustang. The story is largely untouched because I never had any major complaints about it.

[the dark gods]

Mind doing some on my OCs, wanna know what area's I should improve on, and my OC page hasn't gotten any replies on it so I've went with going here for help.
Physics Shift

Spoiler: show

Name:Physics Shift
Age:31
Species: Unicorn
Gender: Stallion
Coat: Dark Blue
Mane: Neon Blue
Eye: Teal/Greenish
Cutie Mark: Magical Symbol

Backstory: Physics is the older brother of the foals of Red Dawn and Scroll Scriptor. Physics was quick to catch up on his parents legacy of running the Arcane Incantum, the two parents magic shop. Physics himself was a diligent student in school, mostly focusing in sciences and magical classes, eager to please his parents, and brag over his bully of a sister, who took far less "logical" classes then the blue stallion. Due to the pressures set up by his parents, and his own paranoia about failure, Physics didn't have much of a social life, and despite all of his hard-work in many fields, he still couldn't get a cutie mark. Despite his efforts, he was merely good at all the subjects, not outstanding in any of them, a solid A- student in the classes he focused on.

In a very terribly misguided bid to get some field experience for a job early on in life, Physics decided one weekend to rush off to the Everfree Forest, nearly losing himself within a hour of his exploration. Moments before deciding to leave forest, ashamed that he could find nothing, and failed several personal goals he had set up to complete while in the forest (Categorizing magical plants, watch some non-dangerous animals, etc), Physics comes across this small crater in the ground, the ash painting 8 arrows around itself all pointing outward, one with a book in the center, one that nearly glew with magical power. Realizing this wasn't some common book, he grabs the book and rushes home, into the hooves of his parents, who ground him for scaring the daylights out of them.

Physics spent many hours studying the book, learning all it had to offer to him, and as it turns out, the book gave him just what he needed, unlocking the skills and secrets of the magical classes he was having trouble with, along with secrets on magics school didn't offer to the stallion. As it turns out, the symbol on the cover of the mystical book became Physics cutie mark. As he grew older, he continued to read the book, also taking more and more magical classes and potion making skills, until he became of age and inherited the shop/home of his parents, while they and SnapShot moved away to Canterlot.

Due to a lack of friends to keep him out of trouble, Physics had gotten into the wrong crowd, working as a fairly high-up criminal in life, making, delivering, and selling illegal scrolls and other magical items in secrecy. Though after settling down with a wife and finally having children, Physics had mostly stopped his criminal activities. Despite this Physics is still a rather cruel business pony, using the fact he runs the only magic shop in Ponyville to raise prices to more than their real worth, while still low enough that ponies wouldn't travel to Canterlot for their magical needs.

Magical proficiency: Mental magic, illusions, pyromancy.

SnapShot

Spoiler: show

Name: SnapShot
Age: 29
Species: Pegasus
Gender: Mare
Coat: Purple
Mane: Pink
Eye: Deep Yellow
Cutie Mark: A camera

Backstory: Born to the same parents as Physics, the second child of the family, SnapShot saw, just like she saw her wings, knew she would never take her brothers spot as the inheritor of the magic shop that served as her home, and her parents place of business, nor as her parents favored child, and center of attention in the family. So in a bid to curry favor to herself, SnapShot choose to be as different as Physics as possible. Were Physics worked in the classroom on his sciences and magicks, SnapShot took to the outdoors, going for a more physical education, before realizing it wasn't her true calling and took more artistic classes, more directly writing & journalism. where Physics was enclosed and prefered to keep to himself, SnapShot was outgoing and spent as much time with her friends as possible. The only thing that both ponies seemed to share in common other than genes were their great prides. SnapShot could brag about to the entire class for minutes at a time about how great she was, and Physics wrote essays to himself on how factually he was superior to all of his classmates. SnapShot had also taken to playing cruel pranks on her brother as a means of trying to knock him down a notch.

One of the things SnapShot will never give up hanging over her brother was the fact she had gotten her cutie mark earlier than him, having a specific talent that she excelled at, while at the same time Physics was still stuck being in the uncomfortable spot between a generalist and a specialized magic user. SnapShot had gotten her cutie mark while helping out her friends, spying overhead in the clouds on the local bullies taking pictures and writing down notes, before publishing a story exposing the bullies to the school and town for what they really where, giving SnapShot her camera cutie mark, giving her enough credit to make a career of herself as a photojournalist.

When Physics came of age to take over the shop, SnapShot, rather than live under the brother that she considered lesser, stayed with her parents as they moved to Canterlot, and when she came of age moved into a self-made home in the clouds over the fair capitol, and her location made her job far easier, as the political HQ of Equestria made it a great spawn point for the type of small-time corruption she could fight, and even for the type of scandals that she could use to blackmail those she need for an extra-sum of cash.

After her brother had introduced her to Flame, a pony that she had first seen at Physics wedding, she had decided to marry the stallion, moving in with him, and back to her home town of Ponyville.

Proficiency: Camera work, journalism, stealth

[Gracie Sky]

Okay, there are a few problems, some being minor details and some being... major details. I will address them in order that I see them.

-Parents don't require names, unless they play a major supporting role in the character's life in the present time. I mean, like he still lives at home and addresses his parents often, something like Applejack to Granny Smith. The rare occasion Twilight Sparkle's and Rarity's parents visit, we never learn their names; this is deliberate. --This is not a big problem, just something to consider.

-The book in the crater is a blatant plot device that unfortunately breaks my suspension of disbelief (meaning I don't buy the legitimacy of the event in question). He's the first to discover a dubious book he wasn't looking for after an hour of wandering in a forest he was never supposed to be in in the first place and it so happens to help him in the school subjects he was studying. I still don't know what the book was about or what exactly Physics Shift special talent is (potion making?), so you might want to add those details in somewhere. We need to know a little bit more about this book, including why/how he was the one who found it and how it got there in the first place. --This is a big problem, I recommend revising.

-I don't believe ponies live criminal lives. At least in Ponyville, that is. Aside from Gilda, who was visiting, I've never seen underhanded work at play. Of course, underhanded work is not meant to be seen, so it's possible I've just never caught possible thieves in Ponyville in the act. --This is not a big problem, just something to consider.

-SnapShot has a convenient name because she is named after her cutie mark. I bring this up because if my name were SnapShot and I was debating what I was good at, I think I would drift towards journalism or photography first. It's typically unwise to name an OC after their cutie mark due to ponies receiving names a birth, when their future special talent is still unknown. It makes me question exactly why two ponies who named their first child Physics Shift would name their second child something suspiciously specific like SnapShot. --This is not a big problem, just something to consider.

Other than those issues, the OCs are fine from what I can tell.

[the dark gods]

Okay, there are a few problems, some being minor details and some being... major details. I will address them in order that I see them.

-Parents don't require names, unless they play a major supporting role in the character's life in the present time. I mean, like he still lives at home and addresses his parents often, something like Applejack to Granny Smith. The rare occasion Twilight Sparkle's and Rarity's parents visit, we never learn their names; this is deliberate. --This is not a big problem, just something to consider.

Meh, just a small detail I felt like adding in, better then simply calling them mom and dad, and I have RPed as them before....

-The book in the crater is a blatant plot device that unfortunately breaks my suspension of disbelief (meaning I don't buy the legitimacy of the event in question). He's the first to discover a dubious book he wasn't looking for after an hour of wandering in a forest he was never supposed to be in in the first place and it so happens to help him in the school subjects he was studying. I still don't know what the book was about or what exactly Physics Shift special talent is (potion making?), so you might want to add those details in somewhere. We need to know a little bit more about this book, including why/how he was the one who found it and how it got there in the first place. --This is a big problem, I recommend revising.

It's was a book that happened to have quite the bit of general information, I could write up a quick reason for the placement of the book being there. And I do know it's a total Deus Ex Machina, totally admit that, don't mind it being the only one, and I won't write it out of the story for the complicated reason that I've already used it in a bit of quite RPs already, and it was a major part of it, don't mind if it's the only thing wrong with this.

-I don't believe ponies live criminal lives. At least in Ponyville, that is. Aside from Gilda, who was visiting, I've never seen underhanded work at play. Of course, underhanded work is not meant to be seen, so it's possible I've just never caught possible thieves in Ponyville in the act. --This is not a big problem, just something to consider.

It's not actually "in" Ponyville as much as it's in the Everfree, Physics just lives in Ponyville.

-SnapShot has a convenient name because she is named after her cutie mark. I bring this up because if my name were SnapShot and I was debating what I was good at, I think I would drift towards journalism or photography first. It's typically unwise to name an OC after their cutie mark due to ponies receiving names a birth, when their future special talent is still unknown. It makes me question exactly why two ponies who named their first child Physics Shift would name their second child something suspiciously specific like SnapShot. --This is not a big problem, just something to consider.

Ehhh, I can live with that, made her at a time when I didn't expect her to be a major RP character of mine, circumstance forced her to be one and I had to adapt with what I had.

Other than those issues, the OCs are fine from what I can tell.

Okay I can live with those problems, I'll mess around with the book part a bit in my free time after I do some thinking on the details....