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41
Canterlot Archives / Re: Escape from the Past OOC
2015 Jun 03, 02:50:59
Stryder221
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From what I've seen so far, you have a good grasp of character dynamics. Both of the characters you brought, Breaker and Illusion, had a lot of character and you did a good job with expressing it. You also controlled two characters at once, allowing you to control the chemistry between them. I do feel that the interactions between Breaker and Illusion were interesting. They constantly played off of each other's insecurities. While that might not be too difficult since you control both of them, most of these insecurities are born from events that occured in the RP, which you don't control. This clearly demonstrates your abilities to adapt without compromising your characters' integrity.
I also enjoy your use of narration. It's very informative and compliments the dialouge your characters engage in.
There's only two problems I could "conjure" up after reviewing a bit of your material, but they do merit mention. The first is your general aggressiveness when you RP. The primary issue I have concerning this subject is your use of CAPITAL LETTERS, they make you sound irritated or upset when you use them. Reviewing my posts, I think I used caps for a few words, but Gracie was clearly stressed when using them, which is the reason I think they should be used. I have to admit I feel a bit intimidated when you use all caps. Perhaps your characters were also stressed at the time as well, but there are a few instances where the narration uses them, which I thought was out of place. If you weren't trying to sound aggressive, I'd recommend another way to emphasize a particular word or phrase. Of course, if you were trying to sound aggressive, then it worked!
The second issue is probably less of an issue and more of a side effect in the way you chose to RP. You chose to RP with two characters. While it gives you a lot more control in when it to what gets said, it also contains the potential of your interactions with the rest of the cast your don't control. Essentially, it increases the amount of RPing you do with yourself, which is more akin to storytelling than RPing. I realize Peace Keeper also used two characters (and even more), but I believe as the GM, he needs that extra flexibility to keep the story going. Now, remember, I'm only bringing this up so you are aware of my stance on the subject; it's not a problem and you handle using two characters well. There are also a lot of instances where two characters have so much chemistry that they have to be played together. It's highly possible that Illusion and Breaker share that sort of chemistry. I guess all I wanted to say is "Be careful".
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From what I've seen so far, you have a good grasp of character dynamics. Both of the characters you brought, Breaker and Illusion, had a lot of character and you did a good job with expressing it. You also controlled two characters at once, allowing you to control the chemistry between them. I do feel that the interactions between Breaker and Illusion were interesting. They constantly played off of each other's insecurities. While that might not be too difficult since you control both of them, most of these insecurities are born from events that occured in the RP, which you don't control. This clearly demonstrates your abilities to adapt without compromising your characters' integrity.
I also enjoy your use of narration. It's very informative and compliments the dialouge your characters engage in.
There's only two problems I could "conjure" up after reviewing a bit of your material, but they do merit mention. The first is your general aggressiveness when you RP. The primary issue I have concerning this subject is your use of CAPITAL LETTERS, they make you sound irritated or upset when you use them. Reviewing my posts, I think I used caps for a few words, but Gracie was clearly stressed when using them, which is the reason I think they should be used. I have to admit I feel a bit intimidated when you use all caps. Perhaps your characters were also stressed at the time as well, but there are a few instances where the narration uses them, which I thought was out of place. If you weren't trying to sound aggressive, I'd recommend another way to emphasize a particular word or phrase. Of course, if you were trying to sound aggressive, then it worked!
The second issue is probably less of an issue and more of a side effect in the way you chose to RP. You chose to RP with two characters. While it gives you a lot more control in when it to what gets said, it also contains the potential of your interactions with the rest of the cast your don't control. Essentially, it increases the amount of RPing you do with yourself, which is more akin to storytelling than RPing. I realize Peace Keeper also used two characters (and even more), but I believe as the GM, he needs that extra flexibility to keep the story going. Now, remember, I'm only bringing this up so you are aware of my stance on the subject; it's not a problem and you handle using two characters well. There are also a lot of instances where two characters have so much chemistry that they have to be played together. It's highly possible that Illusion and Breaker share that sort of chemistry. I guess all I wanted to say is "Be careful".
42
Canterlot Archives / Re: Escape to the future (Sign-Up RP)
2015 Jun 03, 01:20:39
Gracie Sky hears the humming and turns her head in the direction of the noise. It seems to have been originating from the direction of the Peace brothers, who were near this intresting looking box. Gracie began to wonder what was inside and made no effort to hide that curiosity. She flew a short distance to the box. "Ooh! A box! I love boxes! What's inside? I wanna open it!"
Without even thinking, she "assists" Peacekeeper with opening the box by nudging the lid with her head rather forcefully.
Without even thinking, she "assists" Peacekeeper with opening the box by nudging the lid with her head rather forcefully.
43
Canterlot Archives / Re: Escape from the Past OOC
2015 Jun 01, 19:20:02
I apologize with the delays, but I'm not finding a lot of free time lately. I expect to get the time on Tuesday, at the very latest.
44
Canterlot Archives / Re: Escape from the Past OOC
2015 May 30, 03:38:03
Nocturna
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If I had to say what your biggest weakness is, it would be your lack of confidence in your abilities, and that's something you just recently revealed to me... I am a bit worried about how you precieve my opinion of your RPing abilities. I honestly think you do fine. You have a cool head and your posts are rational and well concieved, features I tend to look forward to in your posts. You and your character have made massive contributions to the RP. In fact, Nocturna is probably the most important character in this storyarc and undergoes the most development of all the characters, hooves down. The way you allude to Nocturna's hidden feelings early in the story did not go unnoticed by me. In fact, I had to go back to look for problems with your RPing, although that could just mean your flaws are harder to notice.
The only real problem that I have with your posts is the amount of content in them. While each post is fluent and of consistent quality, they seemed disappointingly short. While you may simply not have anything more constructive to add to a post, I cannot believe that every post you do suffers from that reasoning. I just get the feeling you have a lot of potential for exploring a situation, but settle with the bare minimum of information to give in a post. I think your biggest post was when she was recalling her memories of what happened to her son (whom I still don't know the correct name to), and yet that was concluded in about a half a paragraph. I spend half a paragraph talking about the way grass tastes; irrelevant but informative, right? I just feel like you're painting inside the space of a postcard when you have an entire canvas to work with. The level of immersion you are capable of can be much greater if you take the time to go into the finer details.
About your OC, it's actually hard for me to figure anything out about her after that last letter she wrote. Barring that, she's very down to earth and collected, but it seems she has trouble maintaining that control. It seems a lot of mystery still surrounds her, but it's controlled mystery, meaning you are aware of it and it is a part of who she is. I deliberately make characters with a bunch of unknowns about them, Gracie Sky included, so I know all about the level of depth that concealing the right facts can give a character. I also like how she adapts to the ponies she meets. She is formal with the Peace brothers, casual with Illusion and Breaker, and soft with Gracie Sky. I honestly can't see any room for improvement with this character as she is now that does impede with the core of her character. The only thing left to do is expand on her character... which seems difficult as her life expectancy seems to be... unstable. Still one of the better OCs out there. I definately would like to see the potential of both you and her more realized.
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If I had to say what your biggest weakness is, it would be your lack of confidence in your abilities, and that's something you just recently revealed to me... I am a bit worried about how you precieve my opinion of your RPing abilities. I honestly think you do fine. You have a cool head and your posts are rational and well concieved, features I tend to look forward to in your posts. You and your character have made massive contributions to the RP. In fact, Nocturna is probably the most important character in this storyarc and undergoes the most development of all the characters, hooves down. The way you allude to Nocturna's hidden feelings early in the story did not go unnoticed by me. In fact, I had to go back to look for problems with your RPing, although that could just mean your flaws are harder to notice.
The only real problem that I have with your posts is the amount of content in them. While each post is fluent and of consistent quality, they seemed disappointingly short. While you may simply not have anything more constructive to add to a post, I cannot believe that every post you do suffers from that reasoning. I just get the feeling you have a lot of potential for exploring a situation, but settle with the bare minimum of information to give in a post. I think your biggest post was when she was recalling her memories of what happened to her son (whom I still don't know the correct name to), and yet that was concluded in about a half a paragraph. I spend half a paragraph talking about the way grass tastes; irrelevant but informative, right? I just feel like you're painting inside the space of a postcard when you have an entire canvas to work with. The level of immersion you are capable of can be much greater if you take the time to go into the finer details.
About your OC, it's actually hard for me to figure anything out about her after that last letter she wrote. Barring that, she's very down to earth and collected, but it seems she has trouble maintaining that control. It seems a lot of mystery still surrounds her, but it's controlled mystery, meaning you are aware of it and it is a part of who she is. I deliberately make characters with a bunch of unknowns about them, Gracie Sky included, so I know all about the level of depth that concealing the right facts can give a character. I also like how she adapts to the ponies she meets. She is formal with the Peace brothers, casual with Illusion and Breaker, and soft with Gracie Sky. I honestly can't see any room for improvement with this character as she is now that does impede with the core of her character. The only thing left to do is expand on her character... which seems difficult as her life expectancy seems to be... unstable. Still one of the better OCs out there. I definately would like to see the potential of both you and her more realized.
45
Canterlot Archives / Re: Escape to the future (Sign-Up RP)
2015 May 30, 02:33:06
((It's a simple case of live and learn. We cannot learn from mistakes we do not make. It's not a total disaster, either. We can forage the ending we wanted or at least manage something close.))
[If you have yet to write a letter or react to the letters, you are still open to do so. This is a character independant reaction.]
After looking at all the letters Gracie handed one back to the mailmare. "I can't actually... uh... read that well. Does it say anything about me?"
"Of course!" the mailmare replied with enthusiasm, "Why it's clear right here that you made a lot of ponies smile! Nothing happens by accident with time travel; you clearly were destined to bring those smiles!"
Gracie giggled in response, although a thought just occured to her in that moment. "Right! My friends went through the trouble of writing me these letters! I should write one back! Am I allowed to do that?"
The mailmare put a hoof to her chin as she contemplated her answer. "Hmm... I'll tell you what. Write the letter and I'll hold onto it. I'll find a way to get it to them, even if I have to bend a few of the rules."
Gracie giggled once again. "Aww thanks! You're the best mailmare ever!" Gracie was given a paper and pen and began to furiously write her heart out. After she was done, she had a paper that read "THANKS!" followed by something that resembled her signature. She even drew her "self portriate" in a corner. Afterwards, she handed it to the mailmare, who safely tucked it away in her bag.
[If you have yet to write a letter or react to the letters, you are still open to do so. This is a character independant reaction.]
After looking at all the letters Gracie handed one back to the mailmare. "I can't actually... uh... read that well. Does it say anything about me?"
"Of course!" the mailmare replied with enthusiasm, "Why it's clear right here that you made a lot of ponies smile! Nothing happens by accident with time travel; you clearly were destined to bring those smiles!"
Gracie giggled in response, although a thought just occured to her in that moment. "Right! My friends went through the trouble of writing me these letters! I should write one back! Am I allowed to do that?"
The mailmare put a hoof to her chin as she contemplated her answer. "Hmm... I'll tell you what. Write the letter and I'll hold onto it. I'll find a way to get it to them, even if I have to bend a few of the rules."
Gracie giggled once again. "Aww thanks! You're the best mailmare ever!" Gracie was given a paper and pen and began to furiously write her heart out. After she was done, she had a paper that read "THANKS!" followed by something that resembled her signature. She even drew her "self portriate" in a corner. Afterwards, she handed it to the mailmare, who safely tucked it away in her bag.
46
Canterlot Archives / Re: Escape from the Past OOC
2015 May 29, 22:27:48
Peacekeeper
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For you, your strongest attribute is your dedication and effort. Even in the face of many technical mistakes, I always respect ponies who try their hardest to make something work out. So even if I point out a lot more negative traits in your writing, somepony of your tenacity should be able to overcome these shortfalls with time and practice.
That said, there are a number of things that bother me about the way you write which I'd like to bring up, constructively of course. The first is your fluency. A lot of the sentences you write don't seem to be proper sentences or are just worded confusingly. I really don't know the right way to bring this up, but I get the feeling that English may not be your native language. Your word structures are stiff and... uh... hmm... lack the nuances of a proficient writer. Of course, perhaps you just need more experience as a writer, but that's my take on it.
A few other notes include your ratio of dialouge vs narration. You sometimes have far too much dialouge and no narration whatsoever, and that does bother me to some degree. Characters who only talk are static, which is not generally a good thing. It doesn't help with the fact that when your characters talk, it seems to go on for longer than is needed. Narration gives you a lot of freedom to express important things that wouldn't fit being expressed by speaking, such as the character's thought process, feelings, intentions, and even more general things, like body language and routine. Try to strike that right balance between dialouge and narration.
Pacing is probably my biggest concern, since it affects all the other RPers. As you could see, nopony was fond of the way you skipped over the farewell scene, although I'm sure you didn't mean it like that. You simply weren't aware of the intentions of the others. This is a critical skill to have, "thinking ahead". I believe this may be why your pacing could use improvement. You need to know when the others are ready to move on, and only move on when everypony involved has done the crucial things they wanted to do. I would definately recommend learning to understand what your fellow RPers could be thinking and adapt accordingly.
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For you, your strongest attribute is your dedication and effort. Even in the face of many technical mistakes, I always respect ponies who try their hardest to make something work out. So even if I point out a lot more negative traits in your writing, somepony of your tenacity should be able to overcome these shortfalls with time and practice.
That said, there are a number of things that bother me about the way you write which I'd like to bring up, constructively of course. The first is your fluency. A lot of the sentences you write don't seem to be proper sentences or are just worded confusingly. I really don't know the right way to bring this up, but I get the feeling that English may not be your native language. Your word structures are stiff and... uh... hmm... lack the nuances of a proficient writer. Of course, perhaps you just need more experience as a writer, but that's my take on it.
A few other notes include your ratio of dialouge vs narration. You sometimes have far too much dialouge and no narration whatsoever, and that does bother me to some degree. Characters who only talk are static, which is not generally a good thing. It doesn't help with the fact that when your characters talk, it seems to go on for longer than is needed. Narration gives you a lot of freedom to express important things that wouldn't fit being expressed by speaking, such as the character's thought process, feelings, intentions, and even more general things, like body language and routine. Try to strike that right balance between dialouge and narration.
Pacing is probably my biggest concern, since it affects all the other RPers. As you could see, nopony was fond of the way you skipped over the farewell scene, although I'm sure you didn't mean it like that. You simply weren't aware of the intentions of the others. This is a critical skill to have, "thinking ahead". I believe this may be why your pacing could use improvement. You need to know when the others are ready to move on, and only move on when everypony involved has done the crucial things they wanted to do. I would definately recommend learning to understand what your fellow RPers could be thinking and adapt accordingly.
47
Canterlot Archives / Re: Escape to the future (Sign-Up RP)
2015 May 29, 18:25:57
((I'm also a bit bummed that proper farewells were not exchanged, but thankfully we both had the same idea to get around it, except I took it a little further. It'll make the scenario a bit more believable and would offer some much needed exposition on the matter.))
The note fell on Gracie's head, catching her attention. Shortly afterwards, a grey colored Pegasus also popped into existance, also landing ontop of Gracie's head. The two collapsed into a pile. After a brief moment, the two managed to get up and shake off the dust that collected. The grey colored Pegasus saw the note still on Gracie's head and grabbed it.
"Ah! There it went!" she exclaimed, "I almost thought I lost it back there, thanks for keeping it safe for me!"
Gracie nodded excitedly, even though she had no idea what was going on. "No problem! But what is that note?"
"Why, it's for you and your friends, actually! It's a letter from a certain somepony you might know. Due to some... "Time Restrictions", I was the only mailmare with the qualifications to deliver it to you! That note is part of a set too! I got a few more here from the same time line for you as well! Almost lost this slippery little devil in the time flux, but thankfully your time signature was strong enough for me to carpool in with the note! See, the note would be over a thousand years old if I hadn't been put on the job! That's how terrific it is!"
The mailmare reached in her bag and gave Gracie a few more letters. Gracie was super eager to read everything, even though there was this thought in the back of her mind that something about this mailmare... seemed a bit off balanced. What exactly did those notes read?
[Any past pony who wishes to write a note to their friends of the future, please do so.]
The note fell on Gracie's head, catching her attention. Shortly afterwards, a grey colored Pegasus also popped into existance, also landing ontop of Gracie's head. The two collapsed into a pile. After a brief moment, the two managed to get up and shake off the dust that collected. The grey colored Pegasus saw the note still on Gracie's head and grabbed it.
"Ah! There it went!" she exclaimed, "I almost thought I lost it back there, thanks for keeping it safe for me!"
Gracie nodded excitedly, even though she had no idea what was going on. "No problem! But what is that note?"
"Why, it's for you and your friends, actually! It's a letter from a certain somepony you might know. Due to some... "Time Restrictions", I was the only mailmare with the qualifications to deliver it to you! That note is part of a set too! I got a few more here from the same time line for you as well! Almost lost this slippery little devil in the time flux, but thankfully your time signature was strong enough for me to carpool in with the note! See, the note would be over a thousand years old if I hadn't been put on the job! That's how terrific it is!"
The mailmare reached in her bag and gave Gracie a few more letters. Gracie was super eager to read everything, even though there was this thought in the back of her mind that something about this mailmare... seemed a bit off balanced. What exactly did those notes read?
[Any past pony who wishes to write a note to their friends of the future, please do so.]
48
Canterlot Archives / Re: Escape from the Past OOC
2015 May 29, 04:30:34
Since it seems the RP is ending "soon", I would like to offer critiques on RPing performance to those interested. I've never actually critiqued something like this, but I'm sure it can't be any different from the normal OC critiques I do. The idea is to offer feedback and my opinion on key aspects of RPing performed by the individual, as well as acknowledging areas of strength and weakness in terms of general literacy. This feedback is solely for helping develop your RPing skills further, so you have something to reflect upon.
And, of course, if you want me to evaluate your OC specifically, without addressing your RPing abilities, I can do that as well. In fact, I can address both, if you really want to! Don't be afraid to get specific about what exactly you want me to evaluate. I'm fairly flexible.
And, of course, if you want me to evaluate your OC specifically, without addressing your RPing abilities, I can do that as well. In fact, I can address both, if you really want to! Don't be afraid to get specific about what exactly you want me to evaluate. I'm fairly flexible.
49
Canterlot Archives / Re: Escape to the future (Sign-Up RP)
2015 May 29, 04:15:55
Gracie's magic net disappears as soon as she rematerializes in the current time. She blinks a few times and lands on the ground nearby Peacekeeper.
"Where did everypony go?" she asked, her eyes searching the area for the others. "I don't see a lot of them. Our friends, I mean. That strange light didn't make them disappear, did it? Where are we now, anyway? This is certainly not a castle."
"Where did everypony go?" she asked, her eyes searching the area for the others. "I don't see a lot of them. Our friends, I mean. That strange light didn't make them disappear, did it? Where are we now, anyway? This is certainly not a castle."
50
Canterlot Archives / Re: Escape to the future (Sign-Up RP)
2015 May 28, 13:43:22
((I'm so glad you didn't try to save her with a telekenisis spell, remembering that she had a magic net on! 
Extra points for you!))
Gracie got suddenly tackled by Breaker and saved from the falling bookcase. Gracie took a moment to get up and answer his questions. "Yup! I'm perfectly fine! Thanks!"
Gracie glanced around the room and saw that the ponies weren't fighting anymore. She really didn't know why, although she was happy about it. Deciding to inquire, she tried moving towards them, but the net was still on her and impeded her. In light of that, she tried flying again, but the net disoriented her just as much as last time. She swerved once again into yet another bookcase, causing it to teeter. However, this time, Gracie remained in the air after the collision and began drifting in another direction, colliding with a bookcase on the opposite side of the room.
There were probably no more standing bookcases by the time Gracie was done here.
Extra points for you!))Gracie got suddenly tackled by Breaker and saved from the falling bookcase. Gracie took a moment to get up and answer his questions. "Yup! I'm perfectly fine! Thanks!"
Gracie glanced around the room and saw that the ponies weren't fighting anymore. She really didn't know why, although she was happy about it. Deciding to inquire, she tried moving towards them, but the net was still on her and impeded her. In light of that, she tried flying again, but the net disoriented her just as much as last time. She swerved once again into yet another bookcase, causing it to teeter. However, this time, Gracie remained in the air after the collision and began drifting in another direction, colliding with a bookcase on the opposite side of the room.
There were probably no more standing bookcases by the time Gracie was done here.
51
Canterlot Archives / Re: Escape to the future (Sign-Up RP)
2015 May 28, 04:44:48
Gracie yelped when Double Edge barged into the room and smacked Combo across the room. In her panic, she attempted to make more distance between her and that violent pony, but since she was tied up by the magic net, she immediately tripped. Thankfully her wings stopped her from hitting the ground, but she was very disoriented. Her wings had a hard time keeping her up, so she was swerving and ended up flying into the base of a nearby bookcase. The collision caused her to fall to the ground and also caused the bookshelf to being falling down towards Gracie! Gracie wasn't aware of this, however, since she was facing away from the bookshelf as she tried getting to her feet.
52
Canterlot Archives / Re: Escape from the Past OOC
2015 May 27, 15:42:53
I just wanted to point out that two different names were given as the name of Nocturna's foal: Strabright on page 21 and Sunset on page 35. Yes, I did recent skim over the whole RP, making sure I don't create any contradictions in my most recent posts. However, I'm wondering if these different names were deliberate or simply an error.
Oh, and Peace Keeper, when I saw the name of your first OC being Combo... I really thought the name of the second one would be "Breaker"
But we already have a Breaker, right?
Oh, and Peace Keeper, when I saw the name of your first OC being Combo... I really thought the name of the second one would be "Breaker"
But we already have a Breaker, right?
53
Canterlot Archives / Re: Escape to the future (Sign-Up RP)
2015 May 27, 15:23:06
"Oh, wow! That's very interesting! I love sunsets too, although I have to watch them from inside the orphanage, since I'm not allowed outside after dark."
Gracie shook her head, realizing that she was digressing. Although maybe digressing wasn't such a bad idea. Gracie had some more words she wanted to say, but it would be better if she were closer to Nocturna, so Gracie left the table she was hiding under. It was at this point a certain important factor concerning Gracie Sky was revealed. She was covered by one of the magic nets that was thrown earlier. Apparently she intercepted one accidentally, which spooked her into fleeing under a table. She was under that table hidden since then, so her net was not collected. Since this net was designed for adult ponies, she managed to fit her head, wings, and legs out of the net, but she was still hoplessly tangled in it. Although Gracie hasn't realized it yet, the net supressed the weakening curse Nocturna used earlier, so she wasn't in a weakened state. On the other hoof, she couldn't exactly walk and fell over after only a few steps.
Regardless, she kept trying to get back up and make her way closer to Nocturna. "You should let us help you save Sunset! We're all nice ponies... even Breaker! After all, you helped us all out too, right? So don't think that nopony is on your side!"
Gracie shook her head, realizing that she was digressing. Although maybe digressing wasn't such a bad idea. Gracie had some more words she wanted to say, but it would be better if she were closer to Nocturna, so Gracie left the table she was hiding under. It was at this point a certain important factor concerning Gracie Sky was revealed. She was covered by one of the magic nets that was thrown earlier. Apparently she intercepted one accidentally, which spooked her into fleeing under a table. She was under that table hidden since then, so her net was not collected. Since this net was designed for adult ponies, she managed to fit her head, wings, and legs out of the net, but she was still hoplessly tangled in it. Although Gracie hasn't realized it yet, the net supressed the weakening curse Nocturna used earlier, so she wasn't in a weakened state. On the other hoof, she couldn't exactly walk and fell over after only a few steps.
Regardless, she kept trying to get back up and make her way closer to Nocturna. "You should let us help you save Sunset! We're all nice ponies... even Breaker! After all, you helped us all out too, right? So don't think that nopony is on your side!"
54
Canterlot Archives / Re: Escape to the future (Sign-Up RP)
2015 May 27, 13:57:07
"No! There's something you still have!" Gracie shouted back, somehow sympathetically, "You have us! We're you friends! Or at least I'm your friend, even though we only met each other like a day ago. But if you have a problem, it is always better if you ask for help, so we can work together on it! That's what I learned in Ponyville, where everypony is nice to you and helps you out! I might not be very useful, but if there's something I could do to help you save your foal, I would do it! Wh-what's your foal's name, anyway?" Gracie seemed very interested in knowing, if only in the interest of not refering to it as Nocturna's foal.
55
Canterlot Archives / Re: Escape to the future (Sign-Up RP)
2015 May 27, 02:47:19
The table Gracie Sky was hiding under shook violently as the filly inside hit her head on the top of it. Gracie poked her head out from underneath the tablecloth and her eyes were immediately drawn towards Nocturna. Her eyes confirmed what Gracie could feel from the tone of her voice, great pain. Gracie could not comprehend why she looked so sad, but Gracie could not bear to see a pony so sad, so sad that they were also angry at the same time. But she could sense that this situation was far more dangerous than anything she's been recently confronted with. What was she to do about this? The only thing she knew: anything she could.
"N-nocturna! W-what are you doing? Why are you so sad? Please tell me!" Gracie shouted, hysterically worried.
"N-nocturna! W-what are you doing? Why are you so sad? Please tell me!" Gracie shouted, hysterically worried.
56
Canterlot Archives / Re: Escape to the future (Sign-Up RP)
2015 May 25, 16:13:14
As soon as the nets were thrown and a lot of words were thrown, Gracie took cover under the nearest table she could find. This one was covered in a tablecloth, so it completely hid her from sight, although it was very unlikely that she got under there before anypony could see her, especially since her tail was still sticking out. She was trembling in apprehension, which made the table tremble as well. Whatever they were arguing about was uncomprehensible to her, since the sheer volume and hostility of their voices scared her.
57
Canterlot Archives / Re: Escape to the future (Sign-Up RP)
2015 May 24, 07:10:47
Gracie Sky pranced around Nocturna as she was explaining these things. Even though they were in a castle, which she evidently wasn't fond of, this particular room was so curious! She had never seen anything like all these runes and materials that were scattered all over the place. Since Nocturna seemed to be the only pony around that was familiar with this setting, Gracie began directing her powers of suggestion (baby doll eyes), in hopes that something cool would happen. Eventually, she just couldn't contain herself any longer.
"Wow! This place is all glowy! Is like like a magic room or something? Look! There's a book over here! It's really thick! Ooh, another book! Wow! There must be at least ten books on this shelf. How come they are all so big? I'll never be able to read this! What are these strange looking letters on this book? I wanna take one of these wierd rocks home with me! Can I, please? I just want one! This one is my favorite looking one! See how it glows green? I really like green!"
"Wow! This place is all glowy! Is like like a magic room or something? Look! There's a book over here! It's really thick! Ooh, another book! Wow! There must be at least ten books on this shelf. How come they are all so big? I'll never be able to read this! What are these strange looking letters on this book? I wanna take one of these wierd rocks home with me! Can I, please? I just want one! This one is my favorite looking one! See how it glows green? I really like green!"
58
Original Characters / Re: My OC for RPing Grey Scale
2015 May 24, 06:57:34
I was meaning to critique this OC for a while, but I kept pushing it off. Here it is anyway. Actually... this is more of a list of things I think should be improved upon.
I'd like to say this character has strong points, but you need to go more in depths on these points before I could consider them strong points. For example, her character would develop more if you could go into a little more detail about her magic and intelligence. I mean, for a pony who grew up in an orphanage with probably limited means of recieving an education, I'm questioning exactly how she became so smart? Was it from her parents that she just had a lot of natural talent? If so, it makes me wonder who her parents were, if they were so smart and yet they had to abbandon their child (under unknown circumstances). Did she just study in the orphanage a lot? If so, it would be helpful to point that out.
I'm not too thrilled about the concept of the pony version of the mob, especially after you describe them as cruel and violent. It sort of goes against everything MLP stands for. It's not a critical enough issue that I would say to revise that part of her story, but perhaps her involvement with the group should be revisited. She was raised by this mob because they saw potential in her to be profitable(?), but she turned them away when she was old enough to know better. Despite that, however, she allows her involvement with this mob to hang over her head. I suppose I could accept all that, though, since it is her choice, but one thing for sure I think needs a second look: this friend of hers. The one she let her secret be known to and whom revealed that secret the first chance he got. For somepony who is your "closest friend", I find that there needs to be a VERY good reason why he would hurt her like that, but such an explanation is not given. If there is a good explanation and you are simply withholding it for a later time, that's fine, but if event took place simply to move Grey Scale to Canterlot, I would express my difficulty in believing that this could occur in this context.
Her cutie mark also kind of raises some red flags for me. More specifically the fact that it represents her serving as a guard for Luna. It's true her talents seem to lie in being a guard, but not specifically Luna's guard. The fact that she got this cutie mark before becoming Luna's guard goes against how cutie marks are generally a reflection of a talent as the talent is being actively demonstrated. If she got this cutie mark AFTER becoming Luna's guard and realizing how satisfying the experience was, I wouldn't have a problem. The fact that she so happened to see a comet that appears every 100 years, which apparently forces the destiny of ponies who see it to "Luna's Guard", is difficult to believe. Of course, the way this story is structured, the only reason she made it into the guard was because the scouts noticed her cutie mark to be that of one destined to be in the guard. It's like the comet chose her destiny and not her. In light of this, I would highly recommend amending the circumstances behind the cutie mark and Grey Scales admittance into the Lunar Guard.
I'd like to say this character has strong points, but you need to go more in depths on these points before I could consider them strong points. For example, her character would develop more if you could go into a little more detail about her magic and intelligence. I mean, for a pony who grew up in an orphanage with probably limited means of recieving an education, I'm questioning exactly how she became so smart? Was it from her parents that she just had a lot of natural talent? If so, it makes me wonder who her parents were, if they were so smart and yet they had to abbandon their child (under unknown circumstances). Did she just study in the orphanage a lot? If so, it would be helpful to point that out.
I'm not too thrilled about the concept of the pony version of the mob, especially after you describe them as cruel and violent. It sort of goes against everything MLP stands for. It's not a critical enough issue that I would say to revise that part of her story, but perhaps her involvement with the group should be revisited. She was raised by this mob because they saw potential in her to be profitable(?), but she turned them away when she was old enough to know better. Despite that, however, she allows her involvement with this mob to hang over her head. I suppose I could accept all that, though, since it is her choice, but one thing for sure I think needs a second look: this friend of hers. The one she let her secret be known to and whom revealed that secret the first chance he got. For somepony who is your "closest friend", I find that there needs to be a VERY good reason why he would hurt her like that, but such an explanation is not given. If there is a good explanation and you are simply withholding it for a later time, that's fine, but if event took place simply to move Grey Scale to Canterlot, I would express my difficulty in believing that this could occur in this context.
Her cutie mark also kind of raises some red flags for me. More specifically the fact that it represents her serving as a guard for Luna. It's true her talents seem to lie in being a guard, but not specifically Luna's guard. The fact that she got this cutie mark before becoming Luna's guard goes against how cutie marks are generally a reflection of a talent as the talent is being actively demonstrated. If she got this cutie mark AFTER becoming Luna's guard and realizing how satisfying the experience was, I wouldn't have a problem. The fact that she so happened to see a comet that appears every 100 years, which apparently forces the destiny of ponies who see it to "Luna's Guard", is difficult to believe. Of course, the way this story is structured, the only reason she made it into the guard was because the scouts noticed her cutie mark to be that of one destined to be in the guard. It's like the comet chose her destiny and not her. In light of this, I would highly recommend amending the circumstances behind the cutie mark and Grey Scales admittance into the Lunar Guard.
59
Canterlot Archives / Re: Escape to the future (Sign-Up RP)
2015 May 23, 00:12:44
Gracie's ears flickered as she listened to Nocturna's plan. A simply marvelous idea popped up in her head!
"Wait! I got an idea! Instead of an illusion, how about a real pony running and screaming! I am an expert at running and I can also scream a lot too when I want to!"
"Wait! I got an idea! Instead of an illusion, how about a real pony running and screaming! I am an expert at running and I can also scream a lot too when I want to!"
60
Canterlot Archives / Re: Escape to the future (Sign-Up RP)
2015 May 21, 04:02:47
While Gracie did seem to calm down slightly, it appeared as though something still troubled her. Regardless, she did want to go back home, so she relucantly resumed following Peacekeeper, still biting on his tail to make sure she didn't get separated.