Meet Lightspeed Flash my 1st oc

Started by lightspeed_flash, 2014 Sep 15, 05:36:35

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lightspeed_flash

2014 Sep 15, 05:36:35 Last Edit: 2014 Sep 21, 08:07:45 by lightspeed_flash
Lightspeed flash

edit: I have to admit that I did not imagine that many people would read this. Far more people have read this than I figured even cared so in a way thanks to all of you for your consideration and interest. ;)

Spoiler: show
 

 
Well this is my character and her story hope i don't disappoint.
personality strengths and weaknesses have been hidden for those of you that don't want see
Spoiler: show

strengths: she is kind, thoughtful, loyal, optimistic, willing to help anypony in need, can fly fast, always willing to teach as well as be taught likes to be serious but knows when to be silly and cut loose
weaknesses: born blind in her left eye.Sometimes can come across as a little mean if she doesn't understand a situation(example is in story) stubborn at times, tends to be anxious sometimes when meeting new ponies


likes: hard work, seeing ponies smile, helping ponies in need, flying for fun, ponies being nice, apples and grapes, making new friends being cautious and knowing what what she is getting herself into, watermelons.

dislikes: bullies(explained in story), severe laziness, fighting(she will fight for friends though) pointless arguments, bad/hurtful or stale jokes(light teasing is fine) being rushed into unknown situations lemons okra and green beans.

talent(sorry if this sounds lame):
Spoiler: show
teaching young pegasai how to fly especially the ones that struggle its not easy but her determination to help ponies in need really makes her shine here


age: she is 13 in her back story but she is currently 15 read on to find out what she has been doing for 2 years
     
Lightspeed was born blind in her left eye. As she grew up she grew used to it by paying extra attention to her surroundings so she doesn't bump into trees or fly into mountains. Because of this she hates being rushed into unknown situations that would allow her to be blind sided on the left.
She is among the best flyers in her class and is highly regarded as such but one thing that bothers her most of all she still hasn't gained her cutie mark. Knowing she is a great flyer and that she loves doing so just as much she is more than confused as to the reason she is a blank flank.

She is tasked with helping coach a few of the more undeveloped flyers she ends up spending time with two in particular one of which can barely fly and the other who can't fly very fast. She tends to the slow flyer first as the Pegasus that is having a hard time needs a little more attention. Lightspeed Flash gives out pointers to the more able one and she is eventually able to get past her limitations and fly faster and get her wing speed up beyond what she had ever imagined. Lightspeed then focuses on the younger less able one and helps her develop her flight technique to the point where she finally grasps the ability to fly much better. Feeling very grateful the two fillies thank her and hug her. Lightspeed then looks at her flank only to find it is still blank frustrated she heads home.

As she is making her way home when she spots a filly falling from a great height to a dangerous rock bed she quickly jumps to action and attempts to save the falling filly. At first it doesn't seem like she is fast enough but out of determination she gains more speed and in a flash of light (in the form of a shock wave with the center being yellow and the outer edges being white) manages to save her before she hits the cold rocky ground below. Then much to her surprise she finally earns her cutie mark a lightning bolt with a shock wave at the bottom and two bolts on side at an angle and upon seeing this she gets excited.

She flies back home to cloudsdale then she notices that a young colt is having trouble getting off the ground. Thinking it is a joke at first because she had never seen a Pegasus pony fail at flying so badly she teases the colt and he and his teacher give her a mean look. She realizes sometimes jokes can hurt someone and quickly apologizes and after seeing that first hand develops a dislike for bullying. As she goes to leave, they both stop her and the teacher asks why she had teased the colt. After explaining they accept her apology. Soon after her teacher from flight school praised her ability to teach the struggling fillies and offers to let her teach once she graduates flight school. She gladly accepts and hugs the teacher because she couldn't be any happier. She is now a teacher at the flight school and coaches the underdeveloped fliers after class.

Okay that is my story I hope you guys like it feel free to tell me what you think. I worked really hard on it and revised it a few times but I wouldn't be surprised if it needs more changes lol well give your thoughts below and have a nice day

edit: credits for changes go to tiger reipie10 and gracie sky thank you all for the awesome feedback and suggestions. Some of which I adapted into this post. Changes made are intended to be final but are subject to change as well as anything else that may need work. Although I can't please everyone I will try my best to right wrongs and fix the broken

changes made
-spoiler tags for strengths and weaknesses
-added more likes and dislikes for more flavor I guess lol
-added to story to try to make some stuff make more sense

Metal_Beat

Great job totally great I didn't skip through the entire thing at all I most definitely read everything entirely ever ever there.

Tiger

I just gotta ask, how does teaching other ponies to fly relate to her lightning bolt cutie mark? It doesn't really make sense to me.

Anyways, if I'm not nitpicking on the English, this is a decent good OC C:

A link to my tumblr above!
Tiger's OC page. Should re-do it...

lightspeed_flash

I like to think that her cutie mark represents teaching the students with her being the center bolt, and the children she teaches being the smaller bolts both teaching how to fly and go fast eventually. Thank you for the input and I hope that gave you a better idea of what I was going for  ^-^  she just likes helping people and was good at teaching the two fillies so that's what I went with

Gracie Sky

I won't offer a critique, but I will ask a few questions and point out a few things for you to consider.

1) Is there a good reason this pony is half blind? I mean... does the fact that she is half blind contribute to her development as a character? You don't ever mention the blindness actually affecting any aspect of her life, so it gives me the impression that you put it in there just to make the OC stand out, which I don't recommend. I also find it strange how a half blind pony can be a flight instructor with such a disability, but I won't say it's impossible.

2) If you label an OC's "Likes" and "Dislikes", I would recommend stating unique likes and dislikes. I mean, who doesn't dislike bullies, pointless arguments, and hurtful jokes? For me, those things are sort of a given and I would much rather know the pony doesn't like the taste of lemons or something of that ilk.

3) When you say flash of light, are you saying this pony went at the speed of light? Because... that's faster than Rainbow Dash, who is the fastest pony in Equestria. I know her name is, conveniently enough, Lightspeed Flash, but I would definitely reconsider or be more specific with how fast this pony is capable of going.

4) Why does she tease a Pegasus who can't fly when she a) works with Pegasi who have trouble flying and/or fly very slowly and b) one of her dislikes is bullying? More so, what's the objective of that paragraph? It sounds like it belongs in an RP unless this instance had a significant impact in her life, in which case you should state what exactly about her changed. Maybe this was the point where bullying became one of her dislikes.

5) You do need to get this proofread just a bit.
Character Critique Thread

Have your OC fairly and honestly evaluated!

lightspeed_flash

Ok sorry if I come across as rude or mean during any of this but here is my response to your points.

Ok to answer your first question "is there a good reason why this pony is half blind?" well it's a birth defect caused from her mother drinking too much cider. Not to be rude but I stated that as part of the weakness description.  See she is me if I were a Pegasus pony as I am blind in my left eye.  I don't usually tell people that aspect of me but as it pertains to the question at hand I feel I need to say that much. As to why I don't mention her struggling with the blindness well she again was born that way and all that means is she has to pay more attention and be more aware of her surroundings. I'm sorry if I gave you the impression that I gave her the disability to make her stand out but I made her that way because like I said I am blind in one eye and I used to have the desire to fly and I wanted to have my character reflect that. As for her being a flight instructor her having a heightened sense of awareness of her surroundings allows her to teach ways to be aware of what is going on around you I like to think.
I used to have a desire to teach as well so there is that too. :D I like learning and teaching and I wanted to fly so living my dream through my character where I can have her do things I can't is nice to me sorry to gush or whatever but that is how I feel lol

To answer your second point I understand that my "likes and dislikes" are pretty generic but they are my character's likes and dislikes. I hate to say it but if I have certain likes or dislikes as someone else that just means that we have something in common. It doesn't take away from the fact that we are different or unique. I guess I could have her not like pizza or lemons but that would make her sound picky and I hate coming across  as picky so that is why I stuck to major personality traits such as not liking fighting or liking hard work for example sorry for my bland preferences.

To answer your third point her name is of irony to explain outright lightspeed flash is light= not heavy speed=fast(duh) and the flash of light is an effect that I wanted to have happen when she breaks the sound barrier. In one of the previous drafts of the story I mention that she idolizes rainbow dash and that she is not nearly as fast as her but due to me noticing that people typically frown upon putting or mentioning canon characters in a oc back story I took it out and patched the holes so that is your explanation I guess  she isn't as fast as rainbow and the flash is merely an effect of her breaking the sound barrier not an indication that she actually goes the speed of light thus making her name sort of ironic because people assume things and jump to conclusions as a result. lol 

As for the fourth point as stated in the weakness description when she doesn't fully understand a situation she can jump to the wrong conclusion and come across as mean unintentionally and it was meant as a light hearted tease she wasn't bulling the colt, and because someone doesn't like people that are mean doesn't mean that they don't have the capacity to be mean occasionally whether it is on purpose or not. As for the objective of the paragraph it is to show an example on how she can misread a situation at times and react inappropriately to said situation as highlighted in the weakness part. Example being: how she can come across as mean if she doesn't fully understand what is going on.  I am sorry if it wasn't implied but it is meant to show the point she started to dislike bullying so I guess you are right about that I apologize for not making that clearer.  X3

To explain point five I am not an experienced writer so therefore I was bound to make a mistake or two whether it is grammatical, punctuation, or what have you. Thank you for your feedback it is much appreciated whether it is negative or positive nitpick or complaint but bashing and being mean is a no no obviously.  I hope I answered the questions you asked and helped you understand other points better and with that thanks and have a good day.  ^-^

ReiPie10

I'm not one to talk as I haven't even posted my OC thing, but I might get to that eventually.

Anyways, the blindness thing doesn't really fit into the story anywhere, and the dislikes are still kind of bland. But I have a suggestion.

Lightspeed Flash dislikes being rushed into unknown territories, as she prefers knowing what's ahead and being cautious about where she puts her left side.

I'm done with suggestions.

Tiger

Quote from: ReiPie10 on 2014 Sep 19, 23:48:39
I'm not one to talk as I haven't even posted my OC thing, but I might get to that eventually.

Anyways, the blindness thing doesn't really fit into the story anywhere, and the dislikes are still kind of bland. But I have a suggestion.

Lightspeed Flash dislikes being rushed into unknown territories, as she prefers knowing what's ahead and being cautious about where she puts her left side.

I'm done with suggestions.

Did you not read the post right before yours about why she's actually half blind..?
That's a pretty good suggestion though.

Anyway, I understand that you'd like to make your OC similar to you, but remember that your OC isn't exactly equal to you. Let's take my OC, Tiger, for example. She's outgoing and friendly, but IRL, the creator of the OC, me, is very shy and introverted. Essentially, she's quite the opposite of me.

But yeah, you don't have to make your OC just like yourself. If you still want to keep the half blind part, though, then I think it would make things better if you added ReiPie's suggestion, so that there would seem to be some use of it for those that don't know that you're half blind IRL.

A link to my tumblr above!
Tiger's OC page. Should re-do it...

Gracie Sky

I take no offense. I generally know if somepony is being deliberately hostile with me when I offer criticism. Rest assured I only make these points with the interest of improving your character in mind. Most of the things I notice and point out I would like to believe are also things that others might notice as well.

I will admit that sometimes I am simply misinformed when I make a comment. For example, I didn't finish reading all her weaknesses or else I would've worded my 4th point differently. However, I don't like reading about things like strengths and weaknesses of characters. It kind of ruins a lot of the potential for development in a character when their weaknesses are spelled out rather than discovered.

Anyway, as long as you are aware of my points and wish to keep your story the same is fine with me. I only point out what sticks out to me as possibly odd and offer my recommendations. I will comment a bit further on your explanations, although I will keep them brief.

In response to your character's blindness being a reflection of you, that's fine. The blindness itself doesn't have to be significant in itself, although I do see the potential for developing this aspect of the character. I would probably keep the reasoning out, though. Birth defects from drinking is not normally a subject of healthy discussion in Equestria.

Concerning the character's "light flash", I would recommend going into more depth and explaining how this flash came to be or what exactly is going on. We know what breaking the sound barrier looks like due to Rainbow Dash. Are you suggesting that breaking the sound barrier produces different visual effects based on the pony who breaks it? I'm actually willing to accept a reason like that, since the Sonic Rainboom is clearly "Rainbow Dash flavored".
Character Critique Thread

Have your OC fairly and honestly evaluated!

ReiPie10

Quote from: Tiger on 2014 Sep 20, 19:40:13Did you not read the post right before yours about why she's actually half blind..?

Yeah, I did, I just meant that even if you want your OC to have aspects of yourself, they should fit in, affect the story, and have a purpose other than "It's like a ponified meeeeeee!  :D"

lightspeed_flash

@tiger and reipie10 as well as anyone else that may not understand this if for you (this wasn't mentioned anywhere so i am saying it here)
the differences between me and my oc are as follows
-i am usually quiet and keep to my self while lightspeed is more social although sometimes nervous
-i bump into things sometimes lol and she pays close attention to everything she does while flying so she doesn't smack into any trees or mountains
-i freeze up and panic under great stress while she faces the problem head on and doesn't back down
-i can't fly or have the ability to teach and she can fly and does teach

Just a few examples of what sets us apart

-ReiMar-

She's not an Alicorn or princess, so I already like her) X)
lol

Tiger

Quote from: -ReiMar- on 2014 Sep 21, 08:50:07
She's not an Alicorn or princess, so I already like her) X)
lol

I'll be honest, that's actually what I wanted to post initially xD It feels so good to see a non-Mary-Sue as a first OC.

A link to my tumblr above!
Tiger's OC page. Should re-do it...

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