Asterian Starfall

[Asterian Starfall]

Requesting critiques!

Asterian's story is now complete! I'm still adding on characters for the fun of it though, so to see what's new (and for your amusement), check the change log!

Thanks to Gracie for the continual feedback and critiques!

Spoiler: Asterian Starfall • show

Base information:
Name: Asterian Starfall
Gender: Male (Stallion)
Age: 16
Occupation/Talent: Writer
Other Skills: Alchemy, Hoof-to-hoof combat, Thermal Control
Race: Unicorn
Likes: Listening to conversations, writing, learning
Dislikes: Being disrupted, chaos, uselessness
Favorite Food: Grapes
Favorite Drink: Black Peppermint Tea
Three positive attributes: Creative, Tenacious, and Modest
Three negative attributes: Quick to anger, slightly Naive, and Narrow-Minded
Fear(s): Fear itself
Love Interest(s): None

Spoiler: Appearance • show

Introduction:

Asterian Starfall is a male unicorn with a white coat, a golden two-tone mane and tail. His Cutie Mark is a golden writing quill.

Birth and childhood:

Asterian was born an only child in Ponyville and grew up with a caring mother and a loving father. His childhood was one of earned privilage, and he quickly learned moral values and discipline. Although he wasn't deeply interested in making friends, the ones he had he held dear to him.

Cutie Mark Acquisition:

One day on his way home from school, Asterian decided to venture off into Ponyville's backstreets, just to see what was back there. As he rounded a corner, he was stopped in his tracks by three older earth ponies, whom he recognized from his class. In each of their hooves was a balloon that appeared to be filled with glue. One of them barked, "Hey, kid, come over here!" Asterian was scared and slowly backed away from the group, and as he did, the leader yelled, "Get him!" Asterian ran, dodged, and shifted his way through the alleys, but try as he might, his pursuers were gaining on him. Eventually, he came to town square, and the others stopped chasing him. They wouldn't risk trying to pick on a colt in plain view; they weren't that idiotic. They slowly crept back into the shadows as Asterian gasped for air.

He sat down on a chair and looked up at the sky. As he looked up, a piece of parchment that was caught in the wind hit him in the face. As Asterian was trying to figure out where it could have come from, a mare said, "Oh! Sorry about that!" Asterian looked up and noticed that the mare was the owner of the artists' supply shop, and that she was directing two strong-looking stallions who were moving crates of supplies. Asterian walked over and asked, "Is this yours?" as he levitated the paper towards her. She looked down and said, "Yes, but you can have it. I've got more than enough here. In fact..." She handed him a small quill and a bottle of ink with which to write. "... have these, compliments of the manager." She winked at him, and he assumed she was the manager. Asterian reached for his small saddlebag to pay for the items, but she stuck out her hoof and insisted they were free. He went back to the bench and sat down. Asterian thought, It was nice of her to do that, but what am I going to do with a bottle of ink, a quill, and a piece of paper? He opened the bottle of ink, dipped the quill in it and slowly began to write:

     Today was rather interesting...

He groaned, "Now what?" He sat there and pondered what to write next. The idea came to him like a flash of lightning. Of course, I could write about whatever I want to, but why not write about today! He sat there and wrote away. He stayed there for almost an hour, until his parents came looking for him. "Asterian? Where are you?", they cried out. They spotted him sitting on a bench with three large rolls of parchment, two empty bottles of ink, and four broken quills. They were initially furious with him, but as they drew closer, they couldn't help but be proud of their son.

His father asked, "Son, what're you doing?"

Asterian looked up, and at the sight of his parents, he was eager to show them what he was doing. "Look at this! Who would have thought I could write so much?" Both his mom and dad were grinning ear to ear as they pointed at Asterian's flank. He looked down and noticed that where there was once white, there was a golden writing quill. Asterian was struck speechless. He had found his talent.

Training for Combat:

Not long after acquiring his cutie mark, Asterian begun a writing project that he just couldn't find inspiration for. He sat in the park by himself, looking around. It was busy as ever, but it seemed rather... dull. There wasn't anything out of the ordinary that was happening that day anywhere in town. Ugh... he thought, There's just nothing going on today!

The park was beginning to empty of life as Asterian continued to think. Little did he know that the bullies from the other day were sneaking up behind him. One of them snickered, "This is gonna be hilarious!"

"Shh, be quiet!" The second one whispered. They all reached in their saddlebags and pulled out a slingshot with a few balloons, which had been filled with ink. They crept up behind a bush and took aim.

"Fire." They all released their ammunition at once and Asterian was coated with the black liquid. He yelled in disgust, "Eaugh! Where'd this come from?!" As the colt tried to rake the excess ink from his coat, the three reloaded their weapons, this time with balloons that contained red paint. They could barely aim they were laughing so hard, but they still shot, and Asterian received an unwelcome splat of paint to the face. "AHH! Knock it off!" The three couldn't contain themselves, and the leader popped his head out of the brush, saying: "There's some ink for your project, Mr. Bigshot Writer, ha ha ha!" Just then, a unicorn came up to the group and stared intently at them. He commanded, "Leave this child alone and go home." The group stopped laughing. Having realized they had been discovered, they darted out of the brush and out of sight. Asterian was drenched in the viscous fluid. His white coat was likely stained beyond recognition, and what work he had done was ruined. He sat down and began to cry. The unicorn came over to him and asked, "Are you alright?"

Asterian spoke through his weeping, "They've been picking on me for no reason! What did I do to them? Nothing! I have to start all over again for this... this..." His voice faded as he continued to cry. The stallion kneeled down and began to magically remove the ink and paint from the child. He told him, "I'm so sorry for that. I know what it's like to be picked on. I can't help you with the scrolls, but I can help you keep those trouble-makers away. I could teach you how to defend yourself." Asterian looked down at himself and noticed that miraculously, his coat wasn't stained at all. His sobbing ceased as he looked at the unicorn. Asterian said, "You'd do that?" The unicorn nodded, and Asterian agreed to learn. They shook hooves as the elder introduced himself, "I am Still Water, 3rd degree black belt self-defense instructor, and you are my student."

"Asterian Starfall. Thank you."

Asterian's parents weren't quick to accept the offer, but they gradually warmed up to Still Water, and three days after the incident, he began his training. From there, he learned not only self-defense, but how to avoid fights as well. Water taught him how to use fire and ice to create smoke and fog to escape even the worst of situations, as well as how to teleport, but Asterian's knowledge of these spells has gone beyond smoke screens.

Personality:

Asterian has always had a kind and loving nature, even amongst those who show contempt for him. He's rather silent by nature, but once he starts a conversation, it's difficult to stop him. He usually just keeps to himself, often immersing himself in his work. He's a very modest and somewhat humble pony, but can be rather naive at times. He's a little short-tempered and narrow-minded, especially about matters that he deems unimportant.

Formality and Mannerisms:

Asterian speaks in a proper tone when addressing an audience, as well as when he wishes to put emphasis on something. He is well-mannered due to his childhood, and commonly addresses his superiors with formality and discipline.

Writing:

Asterian is a naturally gifted writer, and is currently working as assistant manager at Ponyville's Artists' Supply Store. His works have yet to achieve him fame or fortune, but in the eyes of his colleagues, he is definately distinguished. He knows he has much to learn, and as such dedicates most of his free time to studying writing techniques and developing his own writing style.

Combat skills:

Asterian received training in hoof-to-hoof combat as a colt, thanks to Still Water, whom he met after an event with some school-yard bullies. He is rather skilled at martial arts and practices on occassion. Thanks to his knowledge of pony anatomy, he knows pressure and release points and can strike a target with enough precision to severely cripple their ability to retaliate. Despite this, Asterian is a pacifist and tries to avoid physical confrontation.

Scientific Knowledge:

Asterian is rather intelligent and has a very good understanding of science, physics, and biology. He has taken up alchemy as a hobby, and can create several potions from this skill.

Magical Talent:

Asterian is considered above average in magical capabilities, but only just. In addition to Telekinesis, he can teleport, similarly    to Twilight Sparkle. He has a knowledge of Thermal Control spells, which allow him to perform several feats, such as conjuring a fireball, chilling an object to near freezing, or creating fog by placing fire under ice.

Merriweather:

Asterian also looks after a pet owl named Merriweather. She is a tree owl with white feathers and dark amber eyes. She is a faithful companion of Starfall's and is even helpful at times. He enjoys playing with her, and she is all too happy to fetch down a scroll off the top shelf.

Merriweather can also send messages and small parcels to others, similarly to messenger hawks that are trained to send mail.

Spoiler: Change Log • show

June 13th:
Changed Asterian's overly-used, overly-powerful Invisibility Spell to Thermal Control. (I've always liked the idea of conjuring fireballs.)
Asterian now knows hoof-to-hoof combat. (I do irl, it makes sense for my ponysona to as well.)
Added a magical talent section that explains Asterian's spellcasting knowledge.

June 14th:
Credit to Gracie Sky for the first two suggestions!
Changed the circumstances under which Asterian learned self-defense and briefly explained how he learned Thermal Control.
Replaced Asterian's conversational skills with alchemical knowledge. (Gives reason as to why he learned Thermal Control spells)
Gave him Teleportation. (Although only Twilight uses it in the show one can assume it's not too difficult to perform as she Teleports in rapid succession with minimal effort in S2:E3.)
Slight tweaks to everything else. (Just changed the wording a bit.)

June 23rd:
Edited what was here slightly, and created "Silent Meadows", the planned love interest of Asterian Starfall.

June 28th:
Dropped the "Silent Meadows" section and gave Starfall a pet, Merriweather!

July 7th:
Asterian's got a special somepony, Amethyst! No, it's not Amethyst Star.   

July 27th:
Dropped Amethyst as Asterian's love interest.

[Gracie Sky]

Mmm... you definitely take a completely different direction. I think this new direction is more suitable for Asterian and he is definitely far more approachable as a character.

I think I need to get this one bit out of the way, first. The scene with the three bullies seems unnecessary. I think the point you're trying to convey is Asterian gets bullied often. While bullying does exist in Equestria and Ponyville, ponies beating up other ponies does not. I refuse to believe a pony is ever going to put their hooves on another pony with the intent of hurting them and I have never seen evidence of this happening over 3 seasons of the show. The closest thing to this would be... probably a pony "accidentally" bumping into a pony they wish to pick on. Also, it appears that you use this scene to place Asterian conveniently where he needed to be to meet that manager pony who gave him those writing supplies and helping him find his special talent. However, it doesn't sound like he found his cutie mark as a result of running away from the bullies; the scene of meeting the manager is strong enough on its own to exist without the bully scene.

You do a pretty good job of describing how he acquired his cutie mark, but I'd also like to see how he applies it to his everyday life. His role as an assistant manager is a step in the right direction. Of course... he did discover his talent on the spur of the moment, like Pinkie Pie did, so it's possible that he's still exploring his special talent. Still, for it to be his cutie mark, writing must be his strongest passion in life, giving him a lot of natural skill in it. I would like to see just how good he is at it. I mean... right now, it looks like he's better at turning invisible than at writing.

Oh... speaking of invisibility, it seems you really want him to have that ability, for some reason. I'll let you know right now that the story behind him discovering the secrets of stealth is either very convenient or not a secret at all. He learned it from a scroll in the Canterlot Archives on his way to his cousin's house. First off, correct me if I'm wrong, but I thought the Archives were located near the top of Canterlot Castle. Second, did he have to sneak in because the Archives were off limits or being guarded? Furthermore, there was nopony else in the Archives, like the place was abandoned. He picked up the single scroll that stood out the most, which instantly taught him how to become transparent. The logic I'm following here is that any curious pony could just wander into this place and read from this scroll to learn invisibility, but you state that Asterian is the only one who knows how to do this. Why did he need to keep this ability secret anyways? Unless... nopony knows about his ability to go transparent, which brings up why he was want to keep this a secret. Did he not want anypony to know he secretly snuck into the Canterlot Archives without permission? I guess I should just be thankful that he doesn't decide to go back to the Archives and learn other spells that nopony else knows. Nonetheless, if the scroll teaching this spell is so conveniently accessible (and yet so secretive), it's hard for me to imagine Asterian having a monopoly on this skill.

Despite all that stuff, he's going in the right direction.

EDIT: Oh, forgot to mention. Asterian's cousin's name is Victor Draw, as you have pointed out. I feel obligated to mention that unless a character has a significant role in a the character's story, they don't need to be named. You probably know this, since you didn't name his parents, but I just found the mention of the cousin's name unneeded. Is there a reason NOT to name a pony, though? Not really... but giving him a name adds a level of importance to the character. At that point, it becomes a question "is the character that important?". If the answer is no, giving him/her a name adds false or misleading importance to that character. Well... it's not as bad as I'm making it; just keep that in mind when you give a supporting character a name. The only time to add a name to a character that isn't important enough to have one is when it's inevitable. For example, when greeting somepony, it would be socially awkward to greet them without using their name if the two are at least acquaintances with each other.

[Asterian Starfall]

Changes have been made to Asterian! Read the change log and his story for more info!

[Gracie Sky]

Okay, your daily pointing out of things.

It looks like you still want those bullies trying to beat him up. Furthermore, you portray a pony with a grievous wound. It's a little too violent for a children's show, if show accuracy is one of your objectives. There are ways to express a threatening situation or even an injury that would be more canon appropriate. For example, if bullies find somepony alone in an alleyway, they could get that pony to flee if they were to threaten him with something non-violent like a can of paint, which would still fit in with the general objective of bullies to humiliate their victims, but doesn't physically hurt anypony in the process.

The deal with the martial artist is more difficult to sell, though. Even as a master of self defense, what is he doing in the Everfree Forest? Training? Anyways, he must not be that good if he got injured... or must not be that smart to venture in such a dangerous place in the first place... or both. Anyways, you don't thank somepony by teaching them how to fight. It just sounds awkward to me. I'll suggest two ways to approach this.

1) Change the injury. If you absolutely must have him injured and rescued, change the type of injury to a bruising or spraining instead of a cut. Cuts imply bleeding, and bleeding is a no-no. There are several ways to sell a bruise, such as falling and crashing into a wagon. I suggest Asterian actually be a witness to the accident, so he can later on question the incident because he's interested in what he was doing. When you introduce interest, it's much more believable that the other pony would offer to train him in combat as a way of showing gratitude.

2) Offer to train him. Forget Everfree and forget rescuing. The martial artist comes to Asterian and offers to train him out of sympathy. This is a very easy sell since you've already established that Asterian is being targeted by bullies and prefers to run away at any signs of conflict. I'm sure there could be an occasion this pony watched Asterian getting "attacked" and decided to be a friend and offer to teach him how to defend himself. Paying or not paying is up to you.

You got rid of invisibility and added "thermal control". I'm honestly fine with either, but I feel you need to establish why he wanted to learn either. These aren't "quality of life" spells, so it's not something your everyday pony is going to learn. You will need to eventually establish the circumstances by which he learned this spell. Just avoid "he accidentally found a scroll that taught him the spell". I'll even buy "he needed it for science", since temperature control is commonly found in scientific experiments.
EDIT: Mixed Asterian with another pony I'm currently critiquing who was really into Science. Of course, if Asterian is also into science, for some reason, you can still use it.

[Asterian Starfall]

Thanks for this! Not to pressure you, but I'd be grateful if you would continue to do this!
In response:

I'll make Asterian a novice scientist (as I am, and he's my ponysona). He'll have access to a number of alchemical ingredients and potion schematics. That was a really good idea, though; it would give reason as to why he would learn Thermal Control in the first place... aside combat. As to why he'd take up alchemy, well... Everypony's got to have a hobby.

As for learning self-defense, I'm leaning towards taking your second approach to it. I'm trying to get as realistic to the show as possible, and that's definitely the best approach.

Again, thank you for your time and help and I'd really appreciate it if you would continue to provide feedback!

EDIT: I've updated his story again!

[Gracie Sky]

  I'll help you as much as you'll allow me to. I only want bring out the most in peoples' OCs.

Now then, the one thing I really felt needed to be addressed is the scenario you presented with the bullies that convinced the martial artist to consider training Asterian. What you have is the bullies firing a balloon filled with ink from behind him. I feel the logic you are following is inherently flawed, although I can see what you are trying to accomplish. The fundamental problem is they played a prank on him using the element of surprise. The one prerequisite you need in order to establish the need of learning self defense is... the lack of ability to defend yourself. Realistically, you can't really defend yourself from a surprise ink balloon from some bushes behind him.

What I suggest you do is establish conflict, which is absent in your current scenario, because the bullies run away immediately after taunting him. In order to initiate conflict and demonstrate that Asterian cannot, in fact, defend himself is by obviously giving him an opportunity to defend himself, but have him simply allow himself to be picked on instead. It's very easy to adjust your scenario from a surprise attack to a head on confrontation with the very same ink balloon.

Of course, you need to eliminate the possibility of running away, since it seems he is generally successful if he decides to take that road. Thankfully, you've already encumbered him with a book and a pen, both which would make escape less likely, AND both which he most likely would not abandon, since they carry a lot of sentimental value to him.