The Clockwork King

[The Clockwork King]

Name: Clockwork
Age: N/A
Species: Mechanoid
Gender: Identifies as Male
Affiliation: Lawful Evil/Lawful Neutral
Element: Time
Appearance:

• Tall lithe figure that appears to hover through unknown technological means.


• Head is akin to an owl in appearance, with large goggle-like eyes, short beaked nose, no mouth and a metallic black goatee.


• Arms are constructed of copper piping, with bluntly clawed mechanical hands within one a jeweled cane is usually carried.


• Apparel includes cane, a black stovepipe hat with copper rim and a long, dark-red trenchcoat which covers the unseen mode of transportation.


• Lower chest and waist holds a shape akin to an hourglass.

Personality:

• Businesslike. Clockwork is a creature of power first and a machination of evil second. If he cannot buy it out first, he chooses to either find a more advantageous foothold to expand his territories, or raze the offending business to the ground with a force of Mechaponies.


• Impatient. The Clockwork King has no toleration for those without use to him and even less for those who oppose him, he has many sore spots for a cunning individual to poke at, but takes equal care in heavily shrouding his feelings until he can explode in fury at a more convenient time.


• Cunning. As above, Clockwork is a businessman and a master of Time Manipulation. Possibly the most difficult challenge a hero would face would taking down Clockwork and his steadily growing empire whilst attempting to remain on the correct side of the law. It is very possible that Clockwork wrote the laws of Ponykind, and takes enjoyment in halting the progress of problems through loopholes in the law.


• Arrogant. Clockwork is partly responsible for the creation of life in Equestria and even the universe in general, and he makes sure to remind those who seek to stall him as much as possible. His control over the sands of time is a dangerous weapon in his personal arsenal, and he knows it. Flaunting his godly status and his immunity to death itself, Clockwork is a braggart that is all too keen to demonstrate his power.


• Vengeful. Crossing the Clockwork King is unwise to even the Celestial sisters, if not Discord himself, infuriating him entirely courts the notion of being removed from the flow of time altogether, either to live eternal life in a state nothing can detect or annihilation of their corporeal being entirely. Clockwork is vengeful and hateful, and those who do drive him to such measures would be wise to realise one fact. He can wait longer than you can, and the Clockwork King is very good at timing...

Strengths/Abilities:

• Time Manipulation, including the ability to increase, decrease or completely cease the flow of time for himself and a target, if he so wishes.


• Complete control over Mechapony forces from his fortress located on the Island of Fire and Copper. Mechaponies are automatons completely devoted to the Time god. They possess both magical and aerial capabilities, alongside the ability to reconstruct if dismantled. Clockwork usually sends these as emissaries to places of interest to him under a more intelligent squad leader.


• Master of Mechanisms. Clockwork is a stickler for Laws and Progress, and it is the latter that allows him to create that which ponykind has barely scored the surface of. His skill at patenting and creating mechanized devices is second to none, as is his ability to sell such progressive items to the highest bidder. With Clockwork, you go big or go home.

Weaknesses:

• Fiery Temper: Clockwork, for some reason of another, has grown to hate that which tears down his carefully constructed rules, which inevitably includes Life itself. As such, in the company of anything neither mechanical nor mineral will slowly grate on his nerves. Though a careful and strategic character, Clockwork's rage has courted many an unforseen obstruction to his plans, resulting in the Clockwork King having to furiously backpedal in order to stay on top of his oppressors.


• Prideful. Just so is Clockwork glorifying in his accomplishments, but sometimes his pride clouds his vision so much that he cannot see what is going on around him. Destroying a prized device of his, or claiming his superiority over an individual are good ways of distracting him.


• Judgemental. To Clockwork, all organics are seen as inferiors beside scant few. Mutual benefit is a word hardly used by Clockwork, whilst an ally who will side with him and not attempt to remove him from power is unheard of. The only respect that Clockwork is willing to grudgingly part with is reserved for the Celestial sisters, Celestia and Luna, and (ironically) his eternal enemy Queb, who is the Guardian of Life. Earning the King's trust is difficult, his respect even harder, especially if you are labelled by him as a 'lesser god'.

[Asterian Starfall]

Per request.

One thing I personally have a problem with is your OC's species; A mechanoid. I think by this you actually mean "cybernetic organism" (cyborg). In any event, having a cyborg pony is a little too over-used for an unusual concept and it usually brings ludicrous additions to said pony, such as death lasers or other forms of advanced combat defense or offense. In my mind having a mechanical OC just doesn't work, as one can easily make them as powerful as they want to, not unlike Alicorn OCs.

You say he is a business-pony, presumably a land-owner/real-estate dealer, but you don't really elaborate past that. You don't explain much about how he came to be the business-pony he is, and there is no real story about this pony's past. Every good character, story, and so forth always starts with at least a brief explanation about the past. Besides, I'm curious to see how this pony came to be!

In his personality you say he is vengeful. While I'm not opposed to that in particular, you immediately afterwards say it is folly  for even the Sisters to cross him. This implies that this pony is far more powerful than the sisters Celestia and Luna; the very ponies who raise and lower the sun and moon, respectively. This goes with what I was saying earlier about cyborg OCs -- One can make them incredibly over-powered without realizing they are doing so. Even if we assume that Clockwork is above average in magical skills, you need to justify this by providing some reason as to why he would devote himself to magical arts.

One thing I want to point out again about over-poweredness, "lesser god" is a loose re-naming of "demi-god", which is what all Alicorns are (Celestia, Luna, Cadence, and Twilight). Given your previous explanation of Clockwork's talents, would place him above and beyond the power of the Sisters and even perhaps Discord and Harmony. There is simply no logical reason anypony would ever need that much power.

These are just a few of the problems I see with this character.
With all due respect, I think Clockwork needs a major re-do. He is a stereo-typical villain, and you are way over-powering him.

[The Clockwork King]

Your review has been noted, though I must be quick to point out that Clockwork is not of pony form (note long trenchcoat, lithe figure, arms and hands. A picture shall be uploaded in due time for helpful representation)
But mostly an explanation and a tweaking of characteristics is in order, alongside a bio to explain such things. I want Clockwork to be different, with a different means to enforce a different goal, and if that means he must sacrifice his time powers for simply time magic then I have no qualms. Another interjection I must make is that I used the term "lesser god" too loosely, such title does not include the Princesses or Discord nor any god that Magus would have crafted, but overall it is a complex terminology and shall be removed..
But consider, I did not know of Magus' hierarchy before yesterday. In my mind, Clockwork, alongside the princesses, Chrysalis and my next character to create, Queb, all took up their responsibilities from the moment they were created to halt Discord. It would be his very right to be of godly status, even if he did come away the weakest after the infighting he brought about (the bio shall handle the explanation).

[Asterian Starfall]

 

I'm not one for arguments, but I think my point was misinterpreted: OCs, or at least most OCs, or at least most OCs that tend to be good in quality, are the ones that can be completely ignored and the canon story still read perfectly. Take for instance my main OC, Asterian Starfall.

None of the Mane Six know him so none of them would miss him if he were to disappear.
The same applies for the Sisters and other royalty -- They don't know him, so they can't miss him.
While having adventures of his own in daily life and sometimes in Everfree, said adventures never involve any canon characters, nor are they well-known in the public eye.

A good test to see if your OC is on-track would be to ask the question: "Can I completely remove him/her from Equestria and not have to change anything important as far as the canon storyline?"

You say he was created to stop Discord and that he was at least "rightfully worthy" of godly status (I.E. Alicorn, Royalty, or some other influential form of power). This automatically means, "No. You can not remove this character from the world without making major modifications." This is what I look for in any good OC; They are, for the most part, like background ponies. They aren't supposed to have any real influence on the main canon story, but nonetheless they have a story worth telling.

My advice to you would be to make him one of the base Three (earth-pony, pegasus, unicorn). You can make him cybernetic, but try to refrain from giving him any sort of powers that are just ludicrous. One way to test to see if the augmentation is over-powered is to ask, "Is it anything too far past normal unicorn magic?" Given normal unicorns know Telekinesis and usually one or two other spells of a certain type, if it is anything past this, then it is likely too over-powered.

To further my advice, ignore the aspect of him being made/born to fight Discord. You are making him inherently important by involving him with important characters -- A dangerous move for any OC.

I'm sorry if I am acting a little aggressive. Don't be discouraged from modifying your OC though, it took Gracie Sky's advice and roughly five drafts for me to finally get Asterian to where he is now.

[The Clockwork King]

Ah right, in which case such information should be changed to something less imposed on canon. Perhaps a time before Discord was where he fought his war against nature, paid the price once the war stalemated and retreated into obscurity? Since then he has defended his island from chaos and everlasting night (not that the latter would matter to him) and has only now begun with his businesslike approach into mainland Equestria? History books have forgotten he and his enemy, and the only ones able to remember them would be Discord and perhaps the Celestial Sisters.

Apologies if I came off as harsh in my previous post, I have no idea what was up with me.

[Asterian Starfall]

No worries.

But in regard to your idea... no. Let's get back to the basics of building an OC. If somepony were to walk up to you and ask, "What's your OC?", what information would you give them?

Name:
Species/Race:
Gender:
Age (Assume ponies have the same life-span as humans):
Place of Residence:
Typical Disposition (Attitude towards strangers):

I'll try to help you a bit on building Clockwork. Fill out the form and re-post with your answers.

[The Clockwork King]

So kind.

Name: Clockwork
Species/Race: Mechanoid
Gender: Male
Age (Assume ponies have the same life-span as humans): ~3000 years
Place of Residence: Island of Fire and Copper
Typical Disposition (Attitude towards strangers): Distrustful and generally rather rude.

[Asterian Starfall]

Okay, I suppose I should tell you I'm nit-picking every detail now. This was something of a test I devised to help me judge OCs and establish any weak spots in their character build.

[glow=blue,2,300]Blue[/glow] means no issues.
[glow=green,2,300]Green[/glow] means a small issue, but nothing that really needs fixing.
[glow=yellow,2,300]Yellow[/glow] means an issue that could use some fixing or better explanation.
[glow=red,2,300]Red[/glow] means an issue that desperately needs resolving.

Generally, anything past green can be challenged in an OC, meaning somepony can ask, "Why is that so?" The reason for the grading is because the more "severe" the issue, the harder it is to defend your logic and the harder it is to pass off the OC as the background pony it should be.

Name: [glow=green,2,300]Clockwork[/glow] --- This is not something major; it mainly has to do with the fact your pony has no last name, which is not anything important, as, in the show, three of the Mane Six don't have last names.
Species/Race: [glow=yellow,2,300]Mechanoid[/glow] --- This is a concern; There aren't any cyborg ponies in the canon story-line that I am aware of, and having a mecha-OC is a little over-used of an unusual concept that it has become cliche.
Gender: [glow=blue,2,300]Male[/glow] --- Obviously, no issues.
Age: [glow=red,2,300]~3000 years[/glow] --- This throws up a red flag. While I understand your pony is mechanoid and that given proper attention could last forever, that in and of itself is the issue. No pony has lived for 3000 years, not even the Sisters.
Place of Residence: [glow=red,2,300]Island of Fire and Copper[/glow] --- Another red flag. If your pony's place of residence is anything but a canon town or city, you need to be prepared to explain why (s)he lives there and what that place is. You don't really go into any detail about the island other than it is... well, an island.
Typical Disposition: [glow=green,2,300]Distrustful and generally rather rude.[/glow] --- Not really an issue, but others can challenge the character's hostility.

The main issues with your OC are his age and place of residence. Try changing these two around for just a second in the form and see if you can "improve" him a little.

[The Clockwork King]

For the second time, Clockwork is not a pony. He "walks" upright, has arms and hands, identifiably almost humanoid in shape.
Regardless.
Species will be changed to Spirit, possibly a ghost in a machine if that would be allowed. Utilising dark magic, Clockwork transferred his spirit from mortal body to one he created to better suit his needs. His form beforehand is lost even to him.

Age decreased from ~3000 years to ~200 give or take mortal years.

The Isle of Fire and Copper is to the south of Equestria, around the equator, it has been Clockwork's home for 10 decades and is heavily industrialised to suit his needs, as well as well defended. Notable features of the island include the volcano located off centre on the small island, alongside the copper plated structures that engulf  most of the volcano's base. Near the tip sits Clockwork's palace, defended by guards and gates alike whilst inside sit extensions of the factories present on the outside. Lava has been drained to create more landmass and to remove the risk of flooding during mining operations.

[Asterian Starfall]

I know he's not a pony, I'm only referring to him as that because it's second-hoof nature for me to do so.

Don't be too upset with this, but... you kind of made him worse.

Species/Race: [glow=red,2,300]Spirit[/glow] --- The main reason this is bad is because we don't see spirit-ponies walking around in Equestria, and in my mind, spirits also can not interact with the world around them, rendering this OC pointless in any given story.
Age: [glow=red,2,300]~200[/glow] --- You are still over the limit for an average life-span. Ignore the fact he is automated for a second.
Place of Residence: [glow=red,2,300]Island of Fire and Copper[/glow] --- You may have explained this, but you are not helping your situation by saying he owns a palace, which implies some form of royalty, which goes back to what I said earlier.

Let me offer an example of one of my OCs, Octavia Winters. I swear I'm not biasing anything against you, nor for me.

Name: [glow=green,2,300]Octavia Winters[/glow] --- This can raise the question, "Why Octavia? Why name her after the earth-pony musician?" but setting that aside, there are no real issues with the name other than a reference. My argument for this topic is: "Okay, so she's named Octavia, but don't you think there's got to be another 'Lyra' or 'Derpy' out there somewhere? I personally met four 'Aubrey's in real life." You usually want to avoid using names similar to those in canon (like using "Sparkle" for a last name), but in this instance it is not much of an issue because the logic behind the decision is well-defended.
Age: [glow=blue,2,300]17[/glow] --- You always want to try and make it to where the character's age is sensible.
Species/Race: [glow=blue,2,300]Unicorn[/glow] --- Anything other than the typical Three races will throw you up from blue to yellow on this test instantly.
Gender: [glow=blue,2,300]Female (Mare)[/glow] --- Obviously, anything other than male or female is a red flag.
Place of Residence: [glow=green,2,300]Ponyville[/glow] --- While most unicorns seem to live in Canterlot, Octavia moved away from her hometown due to her line of work (Royal guard agent). Regardless of the aforementioned statement, there are unicorns that live in Ponyville, and since it is a canon town, there isn't much that can be questioned.
Typical Disposition: [glow=blue,2,300]Kind and gentle[/glow] --- You typically want an OC to avoid wanting to kill anypony they see, but you can even make the pony hostile without much of a problem.

Octavia's name and place of residence can be challenged, albeit with weak grounds. There is enough canon-friendly logic to defend her character if an aspect is in question.

So if we say for instance that your OC is a unicorn, lives in... Canterlot, and is perhaps twenty-seven years of age, here's where the sheet would stand:

Name: [glow=green,2,300]Clockwork[/glow] --- Same reason as before; nothing important.
Species/Race: [glow=blue,2,300]Unicorn[/glow] --- Nothing to challenge.
Gender: [glow=blue,2,300]Male (Stallion)[/glow] --- Same here.
Age: [glow=blue,2,300]27[/glow] --- Also here.
Place of Residence: [glow=blue,2,300]Canterlot[/glow] --- A unicorn living in Canterlot is perfectly normal. Nothing to contest.
Typical Disposition: [glow=green,2,300]Distrustful and generally rather rude.[/glow] --- Same reason as before; nothing important.

This would put him on-track towards being a great OC!
Of course, if you wish to keep a cybernetic aspect of him, you could say he invented an augmentation gauntlet/headset or something of that sort, but avoid anything too unusual. Bear in mind that it has to be non-lethal and legal in Equestrian law (For argument's sake, pretend this is real-life law.)

[The Clockwork King]

Ok.
Right.
Fine.
How about this?
Name: Clockwork
Age: 50
Species: Unicorn
Gender: Stallion
Place of Residence: Isle of Fire as before, yet without the palace. Some of the larger factories are also partial to his living quarters.
Disposition: Severely distrustful of anything neither mineral nor mechanical, but puts on a gentlemanly, if sardonic, facade for customers.

[Asterian Starfall]

Again, I apologize if I am offending you. I know what it's like to have your hard work come under fire like this, but I'll stop helping if I'm being too grudging. I mainly try to guide others to see their mistakes rather than correct them myself, so forgive me as well if I am a little cryptic.

Okay, here's where Clockwork is after your revision:

Name: [glow=green,2,300]Clockwork[/glow] --- No real argument; Same as before.

Age: [glow=blue,2,300]50[/glow] --- Perfect!

Species: [glow=blue,2,300]Unicorn[/glow] --- Also good!

Gender: [glow=blue,2,300]Stallion[/glow] --- Excellent!

Place of Residence: [glow=green,2,300]Isle of Fire as before, yet without the palace. Some of the larger factories are also partial to his living quarters.[/glow] --- Good, but only just. You will need to further elaborate on the island in his back-story. For now, though, it can be left alone.

Disposition: [glow=green,2,300]Severely distrustful of anything neither mineral nor mechanical, but puts on a gentlecolty, if sardonic, facade for customers.[/glow] --- Nothing to contest other than "Why is he so mean?", but I won't do that to you.

What I would do is keep these in a text document and slowly add on to them to re-create Clockwork from the ground up. So far so good!

Same deal as before: Fill out the form with what Clockwork is at the moment. I'll then analyze it and give you advice as needed.

Talent:
Occupation:
Magical Abilities (Ignore Telekinesis):

[The Clockwork King]

Talent: Creating and selling machines with purpose (An inventor if you will).
Occupation: Current CEO of Clockwise Industries.
Magical Abilities: Possesses heat based magic, ordinarily utilized though contraptions which attach to his horn, such as a welding torch or a headlight. Such powers can be utilised without attachments, but are more dangerous due to the exposed flames.

[Asterian Starfall]

Talent: [glow=blue,2,300]Inventor[/glow] --- There is not much to argue on this point, as every society will always progress in technology. Excellent!

Occupation: [glow=green,2,300]CEO of Clockwise Industries[/glow] --- Based on the name, this also implies he is the founder/owner as well. The only problem I think anypony could have with this would be, "But that means his company does something in the canon world!", but this is null and void in my opinion. Again, as long as it's not too influential, it is fine.

Magical Abilities: [glow=blue,2,300]Thermal Control[/glow] --- Heating something has been shown in the show when Twilight ignites a candle without a parent flame. For this reason, I made it Asterian's spell of choice; it is generally not questioned when magical beings conjure fire/ice-balls. Perfect!

You're doing great on these! Now for the tough part -- Write a back-story based off of the new Clockwork and see where it stands. What I usually do is I start with a brief introduction for appearance, then move on to another brief description for childhood and birth. After that, a long story about how the OC acquired their Cutie Mark, followed by any other relevant information in the story-line. Finish with brief descriptions of his personality, talent, magical talent, and any other information deemed important in the story.

*Debonair accent* Think you can handle that?