Legends of Equestria - Forum

Roleplay Board => Original Characters => Topic started by: Gracie Sky on 2012 Sep 02, 01:43:33

Title: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Gracie Sky on 2012 Sep 02, 01:43:33
This is the semi-official Character Critique Thread. I'm Gracie Sky, and I will be hosting this in place of BananaMustang while he is absent. The purpose of this topic is for aspiring authors to have their Original Characters (or OCs for short) looked at and evaluated based on content.

If you have an OC you would like me to look at, I would be more than happy to give you a hopefully fair and constructive opinion on the character(s). Just post whatever information about the character you'd like me to read or post a link that leads to a topic that has such information. I would prefer any links not lead away from this forum, that is my only request.

If you want me to evaluate something specifically or in a specific way, please let me know in the submission. Also, you may send any submissions to me through PMs, but please state if you would like to keep the response within the PMs as well.

This topic is not just limited to me evaluating OCs. If you would like to comment on a particular OC that interests you, by all means feel free to. I'm sure your opinions are also valued by the authors. I would ask that you keep comments somewhat on the positive side, or at least with a positive ring to it. We want to be encouraging and easy to approach, since many newer authors might be a little shy with showing their works off.

Lastly, I was thinking it may be a good idea to showcase some of the more impressive OCs I see, should that happen. Of course, I will ask for permission before showcasing any OC from the author of the character. I'm hoping this will encourage you to do your best, since I believe we as authors seek validation through acknowledgement of our efforts, as they are a reflection of ourselves.

------

I'm also sticking links to my existing OCs down here for my personal use, since they can't all fit in my signature and I'd like convenient access to them. Feel free to use them as well, if you'd like to see my OCs.

Main Characters:
Gracie Sky (http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=3927.0)
Terra Rose (http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=3072.0)
Fletchessa (http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=4234.0)
Kaleido Heart (http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=4488.0)
Tidal Chariot (http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=5298.0)
Cocoabean (http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=5578.0)

Supporting Characters:
Indignia (http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=5763.0) (This topic has been locked)
Delish De Wonder (http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=5914.0)
Alpha Forte and Charity Altrue (http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=6196.0)
Professor Barrelroll (http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=6784.0)
Bitty Pie (http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=7039.0)
Aurora Sky (http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=7437.0)
Sunshine Paradise (http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=8929.0)
Lucidity (http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=10377.0)
Jewel Vaunte (http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=12313.0)
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Gracie Sky on 2012 Sep 02, 01:44:20
This is where possible showcased OCs will reside.

Also, I will be updating this with the list of acknowledged OCs waiting to be reviewed along with those that have already been reviewed. Click on the link of completed OCs to see their review.

Note that I will dedicate every OC to their own reply, with no comments referring to anything unrelated to that particular OC. Also, if you wish to reply to a critique of your OC, pleeeeease don't quote the entire critique.  D:

Cobalt Cloud by Trege - Completed (http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=4374.msg335984#new)
Zinrax, The Lord of Madness by Lord of Madness - Completed (http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=4374.msg338794#new)
Lary by Lary - Completed (http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=4374.msg339129#new)
Lycanthropy by Sponk - Completed (http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=4374.msg339975#new)
Mekanu by SapphirePony - Completed (http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=4374.msg340310#new)
Nightshade by BlackVortex - Completed (http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=4374.msg343010#new)
Feather Scroll and others by The Wandering Magus- Completed (http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=4374.msg346804#new); Part 2 (http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=4374.msg360849#new); Part 3 (http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=4374.msg457009#new)
Rad Thunder by Rad Thunder - Completed (http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=4374.msg349068#new); Part 2 (http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=4374.msg407032#new)
Skyler by Stitchin Time - Completed (http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=4374.msg354853#new)
Cold Sprinkle by Nala Valor - Completed (http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=4374.msg387119#new)
Luminescence by Lunar Eclipse - Completed (http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=4374.msg420863#new)
Majem by Chirp - Completed (http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=4374.msg432824#new)
Xeena by Celia_Tempest - Completed (http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=4374.msg436825#new)
Tiger Stripes by Tiger - Completed (http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=4374.msg439806#new)
Smokeout Knight by Smoke_out - Completed (http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=4374.msg448483#new)
Quick Draw by Link - Completed (http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=4374.msg460234#new)
Violet Light by ShadowHeart - Complete (http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=4374.msg463904#new)
Beyond bored by byndbored - Complete (http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=4374.msg470478#new)
Soul Runner and others by super_chris85 - Completed (http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=4374.msg473265#new)
River Song by hyliawisdom - Completed (http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=4374.msg478550#new)
Maple by ping111 - Completed (http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=4374.msg480395#new)
Lilac Mose by Dasdaq - Completed (http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=4374.msg483507#new)
Coral Helix by OnyZ - Completed (http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=4374.msg487695#new)
Midnight Storm by Stardust Dragon - Completed (http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=4374.msg493074#new)
Wolf Petal by The Silent Wolf - Completed (http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=4374.msg498037#new)
Copper Rose by Copper Rose - Completed (http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=4374.msg500076#new)
Spellsworth by alexandas - Completed (http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=4374.msg504219#new)
Parfait by PrincessParfait - Completed (http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=4374.msg507172#new)
Rainstorm by Yellowpikmin476 - Completed (http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=4374.msg510888#new)
Liaisa Machia by Chirp - Completed (http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=4374.msg518930#new)
Arty Brightshadow and others by ArtVeigar - Completed (http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=4374.msg524307#new)
Dupry by ~Durpy - Completed (http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=4374.msg528610#new)
Itty Bit by Itty Bit - Completed (http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=4374.msg532668#msg532668)
Cosmo Gaze by boboy76 - Completed (http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=4374.msg537370#msg537370)
Soloren by cloudandis - Completed (http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=4374.msg541096#new)
Pyro by ComputerDeathglare - Completed (http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=4374.msg546127#new)
Tanzanite by Fluffy Cloud - Completed (http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=4374.msg552371#new)
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Firefly on 2012 Sep 02, 03:02:05
Oh yes :DDD

I've been waiting for this thread to be created all week  lol Let the OCs pour in!  ;)

Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Rissian on 2012 Sep 02, 03:26:31
I know Mustang already critiqued mine but a 2nd opinion can't hurt right?

http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=1776.0 (It likely contains grammar errors I have yet to correct.)

Mainly Cobalt as the others are still unfinished.
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Lord of Madness on 2012 Sep 02, 07:44:15
Would you please do mine? It has undergone many revisions and story changes and many think its very good. I would love your professional opinion o3o
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Lary on 2012 Sep 02, 09:28:18
Fine. I'll bite. (http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=2073.0)

Don't hold back. I will be very upset if you do.
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Sponk on 2012 Sep 02, 12:40:23
Could you critique my OC Lycanthropy?
http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=4005
Thank you. ^-^
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Gracie Sky on 2012 Sep 02, 17:11:53
This critique is for Cobalt Cloud (http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=1776.0) by Trege.

I can't say I'm fan of camouflage textured ponies, although for what his job is, I suppose it makes sense.

From what I can tell, his special talent is a complex variation of bracing himself. However, that's not what bothers me about it. I get the feeling he is one of those ponies who was forced into his life's calling, instead of him discovering it himself. For example, he gives me the impression of Pinkie Pie back when she was working on a Rock Farm. Her parents probably expected her to be a rock farmer, to which extent her special talent would eventually be something related to her line of work.

The key difference between him and my example is that he appears to take great pride in his line of work, which would justify why his special talent follows that of his family line. It could just be fate for him. You would do well to explain the origin of his special talent/cutie mark, unless you have reason not to explain it.

Now, his personality is pretty basic, but there is one thing I'd like to bring up. You've stated that his lineage and past are sore subjects for him, but I think you may be putting too much emphasis on it. You're making a little too obvious with the way you put it that he has a hidden/tragic past that he's not entirely open about. I think you should make this concept a little more subtle. Facts like these are something people should be experiencing first hand as they learn more about a character, not particularly in his description.
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Rissian on 2012 Sep 02, 19:40:05
When I made Cobalt's page I didn't have the story fully planned out so I had to describe specific things differently, but he actually likes being a Knight and he liked the training. And I see what you mean on hiding his past a bit more now that I actually have a prologue it's probably a good idea to hide that or emphasize on it less. I'm not sure when I'll update his page though the way I write stories and characters is weird it usually happens while listening to music or some other form of inspiration. Sometimes a random idea will happen and I try to refine it into a more advanced idea but then I get stuck for awhile figuring out what I need to change next or what to add. Writing the prologue helped me figure out more things to do with Cobalt though so I need to describe his past less, his personality is my biggest problem he's supposed to be knightly and serious since that's the way he was raised but also supposed to be friendly but still have a personality flaw.
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Stitchin Time on 2012 Sep 02, 19:57:51
If you want... (http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=4220.0)
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: SapphirePony on 2012 Sep 02, 20:20:11
Critique on him if you wish... (http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=4382.0)
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: BlackVortex on 2012 Sep 02, 20:54:52
http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=4349.msg331009#msg331009 (http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=4349.msg331009#msg331009)
Can you please do both ponys? (If you can only do one, do the un-named one please)
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Gracie Sky on 2012 Sep 03, 20:21:40
This critique is for Zinrax, The Lord of Madness (http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=100.0) by Lord of Madness.

I don't really know what he was like before when reading BananaMustang's review of him, but I'm guessing you revised a few things about him.

When we judge other ponies, we first judge them with our eyes. When you see Zinrax, it's not difficult to imagine him to be a pony who you'd probably cross the street to avoid. Blindfold in daylight, outrageous color scheme, "Friends" in the darkness. Even his own parents fear him. Then again, it was them who made him into what he is.

This character has made a clean transition from insane to misunderstood. Anypony who knows why he became the way he did would more likely feel sympathy for him, rather than fear. While I'll admit he probably was crazy closer to the beginning, he seems to be making an active effort to explore the world of friendship outside his dwelling. I can appreciate this development and I'm glad it's there.

Now, as a character in general, I get the feeling he's a little bit too circumstantial. This all happened because he was born with light sensitive eyes, this tradition not to name him, and parents who valued their pride over their own son. It's like fate conspired to mess with him and make him half loony. On the other hand, if it's not one thing, it's another. I can accept the fact this was just the hand life dealt to Zinrax.

Okay, a few recommendations: You could expound on his abilities with magic, since his cutie mark is related to it. I can't comment on his abilities with magic, since I don't know the extent of his knowledge. All I know is he reads a lot of books about magic, but I don't know what he can actually do with magic, based on the reading. Also... why is he black and red? That's not a normal color for ponies of Canterlot. I would like to know if he was just born with it, or if he made it that color by some means... unless that's a secret, of course.

There's no doubt he is a complex character and understanding him will take a lot more effort than one normally puts into understanding somepony. Whether or not such an investment is worth it I'll leave to you as the reader to decide.
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: The Wandering Magus on 2012 Sep 03, 22:31:13
If you would, could you please critique my characters Feather and Juniper (http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=2636)?  Thank you very much x3
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Gracie Sky on 2012 Sep 03, 22:33:23
This critique is for Lary (http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=2073.0) by Lary.

Might as well get these out of the way before I start. They bother me, but I'm not asking you to change them. I'd just like to bring them to your attention, if they aren't already:
-Lary is not particularly a pony name.
-This Fusion Magic can be performed by non-unicorns?
-Larson never knew about Fusion magic until he saw it done, but was still able to cast the spell.
-Even as a son of a Life-Long, he shouldn't be allergic to the sun until he drowns out a soul, based on the requirements you listed.
-Why is fusing with Lyra make him immune to sunrays?

I'm dangerously assuming this character is designed to be for the comical amusement of the reader, and not a character designed to be meaningfully developed.

Your fusion concept is a bit of a reach, but you've established enough backstory with it to make it believable on an Equestrian level. Granted, I think you could improve a few of the details on it... maybe something like not drowning out the other soul. I don't know... it just sounds a little dark for Equestria.

It does seem you left room for the possibility that both souls could coexist in the same body, although it seems that the such a possibility is left at the discretion of the pony casting the spell. It makes me wonder why the other ponies who have cast this spell haven't allowed the other soul to coexist. Maybe there's some sort of complication you haven't mentioned. You should probably give more details about the spell itself, rather than the results. It'll help you answer the inconsistencies I mentioned at the beginning as well.

Now as for Lary the character, his potential is severely subdued because of how much guilt he is carrying. With so much guilt, his true personality has difficulty showing. It's to the point where I don't know if he even has a true personality, much less what it would be like. You've piled a lot of sadness on him, almost too much. There's a delicate line between a tragic character and a character with the worst luck ever.

You're probably aware, but you are treading on some dangerous waters with this character. The part about taking Lyra is honestly one of the lesser concerns I have. It is your story, the fate of everypony is up to you. I'm more worried about this random mad scientist that comes and takes away somepony special to him. It would probably be in your best interest to at some point better explain this mad scientist.

Other than that, his interest in medicine is fine, although a bit sudden. I'm not sure why somepony of his skill would not seek certification, unless he is afraid they would figure him out. It makes me wonder if how he will overcome the power of prejudice against his kind. I'm also worried about this new romantic interest. I won't say anything more on that subject.
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Lary on 2012 Sep 04, 08:40:09
Finally, some constructive criticism.

I've sent you a PM, since I don't want to potentially center the topic on us.
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Rad Thunder on 2012 Sep 04, 10:57:04
To add to the list... :P

Rad Thunder
Spoiler: show
Name: Rad Thunder
Race: Pegasus
Gender: Colt
Age: 22
Coat color: Dark Red
Mane: Blonde with black streaks
Clothes: Sleeveless jacket with short cape, watch on front left hoof, blue elastic bands on back legs knees. And wears shades.
Cutie Mark: Twin bright red lightning bolts
Personality: Brash, confident, but comical and friendly

Backstory: Rad Thunder like most Pegasi, come from Cloudsdale. Even at a young age, he's been a fantastic flier and was always trying to show off at every flight camp he was a part of, but was always shown up by another. One incident was the last straw (3 guesses which one that was), and he finally left Cloudsdale for good to train himself and to hone his flying skills solo.

Cutie Mark and shades story: Rad Thunder got his cutie mark during a dangerous stunt he tried just months after leaving Cloudsdale. He attempted to fly through an active thunderhead. He blazed through the cloud with clear ease, but when he was about to exit the cloud, disaster struck, literally. A lightning bolt hit right in front of his face, blinding him and causing him to crash. When he awoke, his eyes were damaged so much that he was just short of blindness and any form of light was intense to him. But luckily, he bought a pair of sunglasses to wear, and it balanced out his sight somewhat. And it was when he got his sight back that he noticed that he had received his Cutie Mark, a pair of red lightning bolts crossing each other.

Current Story: Rad Thunder travels the country still performing his aerial parkour stunts to any and all who wish to see them. Rad now lives in Ponyville with his sister Sleepless Night, and his marefriend Princess Parfait, who he recently attempted to marry, but both decided it was too soon.
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Stitchin Time on 2012 Sep 04, 19:12:39
Gracie, I'm editting Skyler a bit more, so you can skip over her.
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Gracie Sky on 2012 Sep 04, 21:05:28
This critique is for Lycanthropy (http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=4005) by Sponk.

This character would make a good fictional character in an Equestrian storybook. His traits and back story are somewhat out there, since tragedy and tragic characters are basically one in a million in Equestria.

Of course, I really only have Ponyville standards to go by. I know that if somepony's mother was sick with a life threatening illness, half the town would be doing everything they could to save that pony. Maybe things are different in Trottingham. If you want my opinion on the matter, it's a little too convenient how his father had already passed away and his mother was not too far behind. I'm probably not allowed to ask exactly how the father died... Princess Celestia would be dismayed at all the disharmony present in Trottingham.

Now, as for the character himself, he is very underprivileged, which gives him greater hurdles to overcome. Although, the greater the hurdles, the greater the triumph. I'm not sure why he howls like a wolf, which is why I think he'd make a good storybook character. Sane ponies don't howl like wolves nor are they given wolf-like names by their parents. Why exactly is his cutie mark a wolf howling at the moon, anyways? Does he have some sort of affinity with wolves?

Oh, lastly... the cuts and the clothes (and perhaps everything about him) make him look emo. I hope that was your intention.
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Gracie Sky on 2012 Sep 04, 23:54:06
This critique is for Mekanu (http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=4382.0) by SapphirePony.

I'll be honest, this pony is foreign. His ability to transform is something never seen before in Equestria, unless you're in one of Rainbow Dash's crazy dreams. The fact that his brother forced him to be his personal guinea pig for these awful experiments makes me cringe. That's just not what ponies do to each other.

I get mixed feelings about shapeshifting being his talent and cutie mark, since this was sort of forced on him against his will. It's admirable that he's making the best of it, but I haven't seen anything else about this brother afterwards, whether or not he was brought to justice for what he did.

Speaking of DNA... I don't even know if ponies even have access to that sort of knowledge, even in Canterlot. But apparently this family living on an island has got some idea how to do it. I just hope it stay on this island, lest there be more cruel DNA experiments.

What does Mekanu stand for or represent anyways?
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Gracie Sky on 2012 Sep 06, 21:21:59
This critique is for Nightshade (http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=4349.0) by BlackVortex.

One look at this pony's name and I can tell she's probably going to have some sort of talent regarding the night or darkness.

Her history is a little scary to me. Having an ear bitten off by a hydra, running away from school, and being a troublemaker. The encounter with the Hydra scares me the most, though, because Hydras are always bad news to ponies. I don't really know whether or not I would approve of giving a pony a scar, due to how traumatic this would be. Of course, it's your character and it's not completely out of the ordinary for ponies to get attacked by Hydras, especially if said ponies are being particularly foolish with wandering out in Hydra areas.

Nonetheless, it seems this fiasco was quite troublesome long after it happened. It seems to have turned her into a sort of rebel. Every time I read about a pony who spends a long time being alone, it makes me a bit sad, since there's so much friendship in Equestria looking for her. Then again, maybe it's not her time to discover friendship. It took Twilight quite a while to find it, after all.

Now, one thing I do like about this character is her ability to foresee the future through the stars. That's definitely something you should focus more on, since the night sky is infinite, and so are the possibilities with this talent. I'm not sure what the marking on her shoulder means, but I'll leave that to you to surprise me with when the time comes.
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: BlackVortex on 2012 Sep 06, 22:53:38
Quote from: Gracie Sky on 2012 Sep 06, 21:21:59
This critique is for Nightshade (http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=4349.0) by BlackVortex.

One look at this pony's name and I can tell she's probably going to have some sort of talent regarding the night or darkness.

Her history is a little scary to me. Having an ear bitten off by a hydra, running away from school, and being a troublemaker. The encounter with the Hydra scares me the most, though, because Hydras are always bad news to ponies. I don't really know whether or not I would approve of giving a pony a scar, due to how traumatic this would be. Of course, it's your character and it's not completely out of the ordinary for ponies to get attacked by Hydras, especially if said ponies are being particularly foolish with wandering out in Hydra areas.

Nonetheless, it seems this fiasco was quite troublesome long after it happened. It seems to have turned her into a sort of rebel. Every time I read about a pony who spends a long time being alone, it makes me a bit sad, since there's so much friendship in Equestria looking for her. Then again, maybe it's not her time to discover friendship. It took Twilight quite a while to find it, after all.

Now, one thing I do like about this character is her ability to foresee the future through the stars. That's definitely something you should focus more on, since the night sky is infinite, and so are the possibilities with this talent. I'm not sure what the marking on her shoulder means, but I'll leave that to you to surprise me with when the time comes.


Thanks! Now I must Wright why these things are like that....

1. She was a rebel because she hated boarding school... and only that. Her personality was inspired by the song "Junk-yard society"
2. Who says she has no friends? She's more like... just street-smart and thinking others are kinda dumb. (Think Marina's personality there)
3. Yes, I know... but she dose't even know that's her talent.  It's more like a fate.... *Insert Wolves Of the Beyond Reference here* She only knows that star-gazing is her talent, but she gets strange "Visions" after. 
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Gracie Sky on 2012 Sep 08, 22:34:50
This critique is for Feather Scroll and Juniper Blossom (http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=2636) by The Wandering Magus.

I will be addressing these two characters separately, then as a pair.

Before that, though, a few things about the presentation bother me. First off, your format is bold, but risky. It looks awkward and messy when my window is not maximized; I'm not entirely sure if I recommend using such a format. Secondly, the amount of explanation you do with the relationships between your characters and the unnamed mane 6 I find unnecessary. You take up half of the bio explaining what interactions they've had with the mane 6 and I find it... somewhat irrelevant. Of course, if these interactions are actually important to the character's history, then disregard this part. Thirdly, I don't particularly agree with keeping the mane 6 unnamed. I understand why you're doing it, but remember there's no rule forbidding the use of canon characters in your story. I think it loses impact when you.. uh... anonymize them.

Feather Scroll is a very stable and predictable pony. Such ponies have difficulty standing as a strong central character since they tend to have no outstanding qualities and can become stale/boring without another pony forcing them out of their comfort range. On the other hand, if you can introduce that element of drama, we'll be able to get a glimpse of what Feather Scroll is really made out of. I still don't truly understand what magitronics and spell matrices are, even though you did somewhat explain it to me last time I asked. I think it would be in your best interest to at least give the reader "Magitronics 101" and how it relates to the other fields Feather Scroll is fluent in. If you don't, be prepared to have to explain it every time somepony asks about it.

I think he would also do much better if he had a quirk, a concept tied specifically to him that is emphasized. Don't think you have to invent one, though, you can use something that is already a natural part of him, except emphasized. For Feather Scroll as an example, I think he would benefit from having a "Science Mode", where the mere mention of science or something scientific gets him uncharacteristically excited. In such a mode, he would use scientific talk and be very assertive, yet cooperative; just in a plain old good mood. If you could get readers to think "Feather Scroll" when it involves "SCIENCE!", he'll be a far more distinguished character.

Juniper Blossom sticks out much more as a character, due to her more charismatic attitude and her economic prowess. Ponies just seem to gravitate towards those with confidence. I don't have nearly as much to comment on with her, but there's one thing I think I should bring up. I just don't know enough about her. She is a woodspony and farmer, runs a shop with strict prices, and likes to socialize. Everything else about her is but a more specific example of the aforementioned traits. I don't want to say what you've provided about her is insufficient, it just for some reason bothers me that all I really know about her are most likely things I could deduce after watching her for 10 minutes at her work. Maybe she needs a quirk... I can't really tell what the problem seems to be. Something's just... missing.

The two characters together compliment each other well. Feather Scroll's analytical, yet timid demeanor balances out Juniper Blossom's assertive, yet stubborn personality. Although when I compare the two, it makes me wonder what Juniper Blossom sees in Feather Scroll. In fact... what's a bookworm like Feather Scroll doing at a Festival? I have trouble seeing a shy pony like Feather Scroll actually going to a public social event and not hiding in a corner. I think it would be a sound idea to further explain that fateful meeting, unless you have reason not to.

Edit: Oh, I forget. Juniper Blossom is dying to have an actual blossom in her hair. Just thought I'd mention that, I think it would go great on her. She needs an accessory, anyways, since you gave glasses to accent Feather Scroll.
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Stitchin Time on 2012 Sep 09, 00:35:55
Okay, feel free to critique Skyler now. ^-^
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: The Wandering Magus on 2012 Sep 09, 18:05:52
Thank you very much for your review ^-^

format: sorry x3 It was the one that looked the least cluttered when I looked at how others did their pages, but I know it might not look too great when on smaller screens, might swap it around a bit.
mane 6: it was sort of for back when others were doing all sorts of mane six rps and such, but I guess the stories are optional.

magitronics: i'll probably do just that x3 I'd been procrastinating on it x3
quirk: I generally have him start talking normally and almost unconsciously go into technobabble, all in size-8 font; I might mention that

juniper: I don't really know what else to add x3 i'll try to expand her backstory though!

strange pair: i suppose x3 I might try to expand that part too.

Thanks for the critique!  I had been sort of developing their quirks and backstories through roleplay rather than just making something fixed, but I think I'm starting to develop a fuller backstory for the two of them than I started with.  Feather's not as much as a doormat as he used to be portrayed as, and Juniper's definitely not the same old wood-seller she used to be.  I'll see if I can turn my roleplay stories into proper backstories.  Thank you very much again! ^-^

Edit: I updated the OC biographies and added a section on magitronics.  Again, thanks for the critique!
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Gracie Sky on 2012 Sep 10, 22:53:24
This critique is for Rad Thunder (http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=4374.msg339418#msg339418) by Rad Thunder.

This character is on the edge of interesting, in an odd way. Nonetheless, he gives me the anti-hero of Equestria vibe. That, of course, depends on how important this character will be as you develop him.

Alright, I never was a fan of overdressing a pony, so I can't really fairly comment on the jacket and glasses. His competitive personality is good to have, since it's common for Pegasi to be natural show offs. It might be a little redundant, but that's easy to avoid by giving him a unique twist to separate him from his peers.

Now the details around his cutie mark I have trouble with. What exactly is it? What does it make his special talent? Doing dangerous things? He apparently got it by getting hit by a lightning bolt that blinded him, and the only reason he managed was because he conveniently has sunglasses on him that survived the lightning bolt strike. Of course, it doesn't really matter if it makes logical sense, I'm just saying that's the impression I get.

Well, there's a lot about this pony I don't know about, so I shalln't elaborate on him until you provide a more extensive submission. It probably include more detail on the meaning and acquisition of his cutie mark, quirks about his behavior, preferences, you know, just things that will allow readers to relate more to him.
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Gracie Sky on 2012 Sep 15, 20:56:06
This critique is for Skyler (http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=4220.0) by Stitchin Time.

This is probably one of the most radically different ponies and back stories I have seen.  It seems like you've created a universe completely separate from that of Equestria, but for some reason, incorporated it on the Equestrian timeline. I only say that because of how tall a tale the concept is.

I know I addressed a few of these things the last time, but I still feel the same way about them reading about Skyler now. Being able to transform into an Alicorn or demon, making crystals into deadly weapons, growing a soul, a butterfly scar. I realize Discord has his paws/hooves in this and if anyone could make it happen, he could. But even on that front, it seems out of character for Discord. I could go on a while trying to prove Discord would not create 2 pony spies that have the power to grow souls and then curse them with eternal life, but I'm hoping you can see how far of a reach that is.

I question how she could be in existence this long without some sort of plan from either her or the princesses about how to deal with her condition. I get the feeling she just existed in a sort of isolated cage, with nopony else to talk to for 25,000 years. It's hard for me to imagine otherwise considering how she is just now making friends again in Ponyville.

Now... I'd like to know what these "Elements of Life" are. I'm assuming they are some form of power reminiscent to that of the Elements of Harmony. I think all your ideas in general have some potential to them, and I'd like to give you some advice to improve these ideas and make them more viable in terms of what is considered normal by Equestrian standards. However, I'd first like to know what your objective with this character is. Don't get discouraged by this review, it's a nice OC, but just not when using Equestrian logic.
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: The Wandering Magus on 2012 Sep 15, 21:01:37
Do you do re-reviews?  I kind of overhauled my OC page and added a bunch of stuff x3
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Little Star on 2012 Sep 15, 21:17:51
Pleaseee
\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Gracie Sky on 2012 Sep 16, 01:24:53
I will re-review an OC if I deem there enough change/improvement to warrant additional comments. To that extent, I will only address the new material and how the OC in general may have improved over its old incarnation.

And StarSong, I've glanced at your OC and I would recommend you give more information on them, I have nothing to really critique, maybe save for her personality and appearance. If I were to review it now, it would be a very short review.
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: The Wandering Magus on 2012 Sep 16, 18:01:09
Quote from: Gracie Sky on 2012 Sep 16, 01:24:53
I will re-review an OC if I deem there enough change/improvement to warrant additional comments. To that extent, I will only address the new material and how the OC in general may have improved over its old incarnation.

And StarSong, I've glanced at your OC and I would recommend you give more information on them, I have nothing to really critique, maybe save for her personality and appearance. If I were to review it now, it would be a very short review.
Then if it would not be too much trouble, I'd like to re-submit Feather and Juniper's biographies and the explanation on magitronics at the bottom of the page x3
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Stitchin Time on 2012 Sep 21, 01:10:31
Now replying, because I was too lazy to do it earlier. lol

Skyler was originally created for a fanfic which I never finished. She was created before G4, and therefore did not originate in Equestria nor was Discord's creation, so I shall change her back to that while still maintaining bonds with Luna. ^-^

On the topic of her loneliness, she once had friends, but grew numb to friendship after so many of her loved ones grew old and died, while she could only sit and watch. She became a shell, and Luna tried her hardest to re-insert her into pony-life, but Skyler resisted. She quickly grew bored, but wasn't ready for friendship, so she set out with her sister to find out earth's secrets. She found the Elements of Life, which I am still developing, and decided she might try to find ponies who would fill the Elements. Although she made friendships, Skyler could never find anypony, but the urge to find the other Elements drove her. She lost her mind when Luna was banished, and lost faith in most everything for quite a while. She realized that Luna wouldn't want her to stop, and continued on. She moved to Ponyville shortly before Luna returned, and actually made true friends. The shock of Luna coming back as Nightmare Moon scared her, but her true friends didn't leave her side, and were unfazed by her story. They were the Elements of Life Skyler had dedicated her life to find, and they are slowly helping her recover from everything.
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Nala Valor on 2012 Sep 21, 07:02:10
Could you be kind and review my newest OC?  X3
The link's down below in the sig.
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Gracie Sky on 2012 Sep 22, 19:57:35
This critique is for Feather Scroll and Juniper Blossom (http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=2636) by The Wandering Magus.
This is the second.

I will say the improvement is obvious. You placed a lot more emphasis on establishing Feather Scroll's educational background as well as his preferences growing up, which nicely set up how he is in the present day. It looks like he's not as much of a loner as I once imagined, so you did well making that clearer. It all comes together why he would ever get the opportunity to meet Juniper Blossom.

Speaking of Juniper Blossom... she feels the same from the last time I read her. I know it's longer, but it brings to light nothing new, persay. Then again, I don't recall having any quarrels with her design the last time I reviewed her either. It looks like you went into more detail with her family more than anything and their role in her life. Most of it I half figured out, although it doesn't hurt to explain it anyways.

It looks like you've reached the point in these characters' development where any more development doesn't belong in a introductory topic. I'm quite happy with what I see so far, though. I do want to know more about them, but that would be up to me to learn more about them first-hand.

As for the Magic stuff. Nopony is going to read what your wrote about it unless they were attending your magic class. It's too long and technical sounding and at the same time, seemingly irrelevant to the everyday pony. That doesn't mean what you have is bad, but it has that influence that makes the reader think to themselves "tl;dr". Of course, that only applies to anypony who actually finds your explanation, since it's quite out of the way. I don't even know how I noticed it.

Juniper Blossom still needs a blossom in her hair. Just saying. :P
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: The Wandering Magus on 2012 Sep 22, 20:12:14
thank you very much! ^-^

I'm glad Feather's an improvement x3 I still don't quite know what to add for Juniper, but I suppose I've done what I could x3

Glad to hear you're happy with it ^-^

x3 Ponies keep asking, so there it is.  I'll probably give a tl;dr version at the top for those whose eyes glaze over at technical details x3

yeah I guess :P  Might draw that in sometime lol

thank you again for the review!
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Stitchin Time on 2012 Oct 05, 00:53:44
Much, much redo on Skyler's bio, if you'd like to re-review. Sorry for the part with the hellhound just flying by, if I went as in-depth as I'd liked, it'd be a full-blown fanfic. lol

http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=4220.msg317025#msg317025
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Gracie Sky on 2012 Oct 08, 19:03:32
This is a critique for Cold Sprinkle (http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=4498.0) by Nala Valor.

Hmm, this character is unique in several ways.

There are many ponies who live in orphanages, but this is the first time I've seen one that actually lives there with his/her parents, who run it. And I could see how running an orphanage would occupy her parents to the point where they have trouble spending time with her for the other children. It's quite a predicament. I must say this is one of the best uses for an orphanage I've seen to date.

I really do enjoy ice skating ponies, although I think your approach to it is a little awkward. There are ice skates in Equestria, you know? It doesn't seem likely that she would carve knives and stick them on her hooves and accidentally walk on ice. I would suggest another approach for her cutie mark discovery.

She seems to be an okay character. I think there needs to be more explanation on her personality. Her cutie mark needs a bit of revision, as well. I like the scarf, by the way.
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Nala Valor on 2012 Oct 09, 17:23:22
Quote from: Gracie Sky on 2012 Oct 08, 19:03:32
This is a critique for Cold Sprinkle (http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=4498.0) by Nala Valor.

Hmm, this character is unique in several ways.

There are many ponies who live in orphanages, but this is the first time I've seen one that actually lives there with his/her parents, who run it. And I could see how running an orphanage would occupy her parents to the point where they have trouble spending time with her for the other children. It's quite a predicament. I must say this is one of the best uses for an orphanage I've seen to date.

I really do enjoy ice skating ponies, although I think your approach to it is a little awkward. There are ice skates in Equestria, you know? It doesn't seem likely that she would carve knives and stick them on her hooves and accidentally walk on ice. I would suggest another approach for her cutie mark discovery.

She seems to be an okay character. I think there needs to be more explanation on her personality. Her cutie mark needs a bit of revision, as well. I like the scarf, by the way.
thank for the review. ^-^ and now that you mention it... It is kinda awkard the thing about her cutie mark... I'll try to find something else.
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Lunar Eclipse on 2012 Oct 18, 22:51:47
Hi, I know you addressed my first OC, but I think I'm doing a lot better now. Less dismal and more real, I think.
http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=4523.msg353487#msg353487 (http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=4523.msg353487#msg353487)
Thank you, by the way for putting this up. It really makes us (well, at least me) feel good to know someone at looked at our stuff with the will to make us better. Thanks!  :)
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Gracie Sky on 2012 Oct 20, 20:55:16
This is a critique for Skyler (http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=4220.0) by Stitchin Time.
This is the second.

I will first address my opinion on the race of Shadowlurkers Skyler is a part of.

They seem very close to Changelings, in the fact that they can change forms, but they appear to differ based on the fact that they don't mimic their targets and their shafeshifting seems limited to other types of ponies... and demons... I'm still not sure what a demon would be in Equestria. I suppose I should ask you for a few details about this whole shapeshifting business to clear up possible confusion.

-Why would they want to change forms?
-Do they inherit magic/flying when they turn into Alicorns? Demon powers?
-If so, why would they NOT want to always stay in the form of an Alicorn/Demon?
-Is there some sort of restriction?

As for their memories and rebirth process, I get the feeling they are a cursed species and they weren't originally capable of reincarnation as well as all the memories of past lives. An inherent issue with creatures that never die is the fact that... they never die. Their population never drops, it only goes up. Do they even reproduce? If not, where do they come from?

Alright, now I'll address Skyler herself as a character.

First off, I'm not too keen on the idea that her sister was a brat, got reprimanded for it, and then ran away because of it... and then somehow the Shadowlukers blame Skyler on it. You need to provide a good reason why they would find fault in Skyler for the attitude of her sister. Is Skyler responsible for her sister's actions in someway?

I also find the sword in the lake a bit random. It needs a bit of backstory, I think, or at least a sentence explaining it's importance. Failing to do so brings up a few questions.

-Why is this weapon the preferred tool to attack a Hellhound with? Charlotte did go out of her way to fetch it, after all.
-How did they even know it was there?
-Why did noshadowluker else decide to use it?

There's also a bit more... violence with this story than I think belongs in an Equestria environment. Maybe it would make a good fairy tale in Equestrian lore.

And... yeah... still don't know where the Elements of Life came from or whether they have something in common with the Elements of Harmony. You'd do well to explain what they are somewhere in that bio.
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Gracie Sky on 2012 Oct 29, 22:05:10
This is a critique for Luminescence (http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=4523.0) by Lunar Eclipse.

I must admit the flow of this character's bio is somewhat scattered. I have trouble clearly understanding exactly what is going on. You may want to review the method in which you express this character's background with to make it clearer.

From what I can tell, Luminescence has a fascination for light due to being colorblind (which I find to be odd), but found difficulty making light because most of the light in Manehatten is generated by magic. Eventually, he discovered candles and basically became a candle professional.

Now, a candlemaking pony is a welcome addition to the world of Equestria, although with such a profession, he may be condemned to the role of background pony. Of course, that doesn't mean he's any less important than the other ponies!

You might want to make it a little clearer that he uses candles in combination with things like fragrances for the therapeutic effects... if that was your intention with the character, that is. You stated fragrances in the beginning and candles at the end, but never the two in unison.

You might want to add... personality to this character, by the way. I mean more than can be described with a few adjectives. It's such an important part of a character; it's how we relate to them. Such an important aspect deserves at least a few sentences if you can give him such a large bio.
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Celia_Tempest on 2012 Nov 08, 17:39:02
http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=5537.0

I'm sorry to bump, but could you do mine?? The Mary Sue test was a 5, but hearing from another living organism first hand just feels better.
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Lunar Eclipse on 2012 Nov 08, 20:11:14
Wow, sorry. I didn't even realize about half that. Thanks for being Honest :)
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Gracie Sky on 2012 Nov 08, 21:03:03
This is a critique for Majem (http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=5210.0) by Chirp.

To be completely frank, the idea of an elemental pony, much less an entire family of differently aligned elemental ponies, is not a bad idea, but it breaks my suspension of disbelief. I just can't see these ponies existing in Equestria outside foal's tale books.

I've never seen evidence to suggest that a pony can use magic to transform their body into water. Of course, it's magic, so anything is theoretically possible. Still, a spell like this would probably be forbidden, or at least very secretive, since I don't  see ponies turning into water on a normal basis. At least secretive enough that a farmer's son would not have access to such a spell. It makes me wonder how he learned this spell in the first place, unless he just picked it up or even invented it.

Water changing aside, I've never been a fan of ponies who were born with a cutie mark. It takes away the discovery process involved. They say the journey is half the fun. Ponies who start at their destination are half the fun, right? Furthermore, the technical implications are more than I'm willing to address. Let's just say when a pony is born, they aren't handed a surf board and told "Congratulations, you're going to be a surfer!".

His personality contradicts itself a bit, but you've already pointed this out, so it must be deliberate. The main problem I have with such contradictions is I can't tell if he's introverted or extroverted, because he shows signs of both. It's like he's riding the fence. I get the feeling his personality is merely quick to change from what you write. You might want to point that out, if that is the case.

I really don't know what can be done to improve or fix this character. I know changing into water is his thing, but I just... can't... warm up to it. I don't want you to have to change it, either. If I had to give advice, just make him a good swimmer. Becoming one with the water makes him sort of a... a mutant or something. It's just not normal.
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Tiger on 2012 Nov 08, 21:16:27
I know you already looked at Tiger's OC page, but could you give a full length critique of her? Please? ovO

http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=5378.0
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Chirp on 2012 Nov 09, 01:30:37
Quote from: Gracie Sky on 2012 Nov 08, 21:03:03
This is a critique for Majem (http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=5210.0) by Chirp.

To be completely frank, the idea of an elemental pony, much less an entire family of differently aligned elemental ponies, is not a bad idea, but it breaks my suspension of disbelief. I just can't see these ponies existing in Equestria outside foal's tale books.

They're not really elementals, just Majem, but I get your point. I just thought it'd be fun to write it like that since they'll never actually get RP time or anything. Besides, I need a break from haunted pony pasts, a family living together in harmony seemed nice to me.

I've never seen evidence to suggest that a pony can use magic to transform their body into water. Of course, it's magic, so anything is theoretically possible. Still, a spell like this would probably be forbidden, or at least very secretive, since I don't  see ponies turning into water on a normal basis. At least secretive enough that a farmer's son would not have access to such a spell. It makes me wonder how he learned this spell in the first place, unless he just picked it up or even invented it.

Hmm, yes. Well, to be honest, I made up Majem so I could join Magus' "Pony Cosmology" RP. I just started out as a water-loving unicorn, but the turning-into-water was so much fun, I decided that'd be his special talent. I know it's an unusual spell, if not somewhat OP in some situations, but he just had to have that one.
I guess when it's your life's goal, you can go the distance.


Water changing aside, I've never been a fan of ponies who were born with a cutie mark. It takes away the discovery process involved. They say the journey is half the fun. Ponies who start at their destination are half the fun, right? Furthermore, the technical implications are more than I'm willing to address. Let's just say when a pony is born, they aren't handed a surf board and told "Congratulations, you're going to be a surfer!".

No, it's true, but nothing tells us it's impossible to be 'born' with one. To be honest, I got kind of lazy with his background story. The original idea was his father dropping him into a river as a foal, on accident of course. Which ended up Majem saving his father, but that was even more ridiculous (I don't know what's wrong with me from time to time). So actually there's no story at all to his talent. Just the way I came up with him. His talent was clear from the start.

His personality contradicts itself a bit, but you've already pointed this out, so it must be deliberate. The main problem I have with such contradictions is I can't tell if he's introverted or extroverted, because he shows signs of both. It's like he's riding the fence. I get the feeling his personality is merely quick to change from what you write. You might want to point that out, if that is the case.

I'll share a secret with you. I gave him my personality. Like I said before, I made Majem to join Magus' RP, which means he had NO personality whatsoever. He was born in that RP and fleshed out there, which ended up just him being me.

I really don't know what can be done to improve or fix this character. I know changing into water is his thing, but I just... can't... warm up to it. I don't want you to have to change it, either. If I had to give advice, just make him a good swimmer. Becoming one with the water makes him sort of a... a mutant or something. It's just not normal.

A good swimmer, eh? Well, that would contradict to him being a very weak unicorn. His water form allows quick and easy travel through water and he can hold his breath for very long, though.


I'll see if I can make him a bit more interesting, though I think I'll fail to make him attractive to you. Oh well.

Thanks for taking the time out of your life to critique my OC!  ^-^
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Gracie Sky on 2012 Nov 12, 21:02:37
This is a critique for Xeena (http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=5537.0) by Celia_Tempest.

First, the character seems to not be from Equestria. Most obviously, her hometown, Extris, is not a land on the Equestrian map. Furthermore, I don't believe there is a civilization in Equestria that would not be developed enough to graduate past the medieval level, because Princess Celestia should be monitoring this town. I doubt she would allow such a primitive settlement to exist for long. Next, Xeena is not a pony name, unless you can tell me the source of this name that would convince me otherwise. Xeena sounds more like the name of a (human) warrior princess, which is pretty close to what she is. Also, ponies covered with battle scars are unheard of, simply because Equestria is the land of love and tolerance. Ponies don't fight, especially with weapons. I'm ready to believe she is from a land far far away, which would be the most logical approach for this character.

On the other hand, you need to explain why she's hanging out on the outskirts of Ponyville in particular. Does she live there? In the Everfree? Is she just waiting for something to happen?

Now, on to the character herself. She's a rather ironic character, being a strong but unintelligent unicorn. This sort of contradiction does add a few dimensions to her, though. I don't have any problems with her personality; it's fresh. Her history kinda disturbs me since whoever rules Extris apparently raises other ponies' children to be warriors if they show the potential. Are they in some sort of war or something? I get the feeling whoever this ruler is is some sort of tyrant or religious fanatic, not allowing his/her soldier to develop feelings. It's like Extris is raising killing machines who never question or talk back or have their own opinions. It's rather disturbing that anypony who falls out of line gets exiled.

And I just can't warm up to those scars. She looks like a former slave. Somepony get her to a doctor... or to a spa!
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: The Wandering Magus on 2012 Nov 12, 23:06:50
Quote from: Gracie Sky on 2012 Nov 12, 21:02:37
This is a critique for Xeena (http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=5537.0) by Celia_Tempest.

First, the character seems to not be from Equestria. Most obviously, her hometown, Extris, is not a land on the Equestrian map. Furthermore, I don't believe there is a civilization in Equestria that would not be developed enough to graduate past the medieval level, because Princess Celestia should be monitoring this town. I doubt she would allow such a primitive settlement to exist for long. Next, Xeena is not a pony name, unless you can tell me the source of this name that would convince me otherwise. Xeena sounds more like the name of a (human) warrior princess, which is pretty close to what she is. Also, ponies covered with battle scars are unheard of, simply because Equestria is the land of love and tolerance. Ponies don't fight, especially with weapons. I'm ready to believe she is from a land far far away, which would be the most logical approach for this character.

On the other hand, you need to explain why she's hanging out on the outskirts of Ponyville in particular. Does she live there? In the Everfree? Is she just waiting for something to happen?

Now, on to the character herself. She's a rather ironic character, being a strong but unintelligent unicorn. This sort of contradiction does add a few dimensions to her, though. I don't have any problems with her personality; it's fresh. Her history kinda disturbs me since whoever rules Extris apparently raises other ponies' children to be warriors if they show the potential. Are they in some sort of war or something? I get the feeling whoever this ruler is is some sort of tyrant or religious fanatic, not allowing his/her soldier to develop feelings. It's like Extris is raising killing machines who never question or talk back or have their own opinions. It's rather disturbing that anypony who falls out of line gets exiled.

And I just can't warm up to those scars. She looks like a former slave. Somepony get her to a doctor... or to a spa!
maybe now that
Spoiler: show
slavery and tyrrany
are canon, it makes it "not impossible" that there's some sort of warlord fitting the description somewhere outside Equestria beyond the Princesses' political influence?
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: ShadowHeart on 2012 Nov 13, 09:39:50
would u guys possibly be ok with me posting an oc on here rather than start a thread....little scared to do that now so would u guys mind if i just posted an oc here and put a spoiler mark on it...or i can make a thread...
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: The Wandering Magus on 2012 Nov 13, 10:38:09
Quote from: ShadowHeart on 2012 Nov 13, 09:39:50
would u guys possibly be ok with me posting an oc on here rather than start a thread....little scared to do that now so would u guys mind if i just posted an oc here and put a spoiler mark on it...or i can make a thread...
well, it IS meant to be a character CRITIQUE thread, so if you want your OC critiqued, Gracie might allow it, but you'd have to PM her first.
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: ShadowHeart on 2012 Nov 13, 13:40:07
kk thx
that reminded me of this
Spoiler: show
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Smoke_out on 2012 Nov 13, 15:13:33
I'v had plenty of people both critique and compliment both of my OC's incarnations that i'v posted here, but i'd like someone else to give me a more "in depth" critique.

http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=5436.0
Here's the thread, thanks for taking the time to Critique Smokeout for me.
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Gracie Sky on 2012 Nov 13, 20:48:00
Quote from: Gracie Sky on 2012 Sep 02, 01:43:33If you have an OC you would like me to look at, I would be more than happy to give you a hopefully fair and constructive opinion on the character(s). Just post whatever information about the character you'd like me to read or post a link that leads to a topic that has such information. I would prefer any links not lead away from this forum, that is my only request.


Yes, I will critique a character directly posted on this topic upon request, feel free to post away.
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: The Wandering Magus on 2012 Nov 13, 21:56:42
I've made a few more OCs, for Starsong's Adventure Across Equestria RP.  They're the most recent post on my OC page, in my sig.  Could you possibly critique them? x3  Even though I didn't really put near as much effort into their backstory as I usually do x3
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Gracie Sky on 2012 Nov 15, 23:14:25
This is a critique for Tiger Stripes (http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=5378.0) by Tiger.

I must admit I'm having difficulty critiquing this character professionally, because of how unprofessionally adorable she is. I mean when you talk about how your OC races have their own island and meet at a warehouse on occasion to socialize because they are all English speaking creatures, the side of me that is a critic shakes its head, but I still can't help but smile at it.

Now, the idea of a cat turned into a pony is different for sure. I kind of like the idea, although I am not an advocate for pony hybrids/crossovers in general. With a cat from a different world, it's a little more believable. The characteristics of a cat can be associated with that of a pony, making it easier for her to fit in a pony world.

As for your History...  I use the word "convenient" again. When I say that, it refers to the lack of explanation or foreshadowing on about half of the things that has happened in Tiger Stripes's life, and I somehow doubt these details were deliberately left out. Miraculously surviving an earthquake after she was born on top of a pile of rubble... A mirror world from where she saved a character I didn't know existed until Tiger Stripes saved her... A cave that mysteriously appears and leads to Equestria... Do you see what all these lack? A reason. The why and how. Of course, there's no obligation to explain the origins or reasoning behind any of these in something like a character bio. What bothers me is that the way you bring these events up gives me the impression that these are plot devices randomly put in to progress the character.

Or perhaps this character's life has been a reflection of RPs? Yes... that seems more likely. With that in mind, the randomness of her experiences makes more sense and doesn't really require explanation, since what happens in RPs should stay in RPs.

If I were to give you any advice on how to improve this character, you would do well to better explain the things in her history. What is the Mirror World? Who is Shori? How can a cat turned into a pony build a machine that can lead them back to their homeworld? Is the friend a science wizard or something?

Oh... right... you mentioned they started with cutie marks once they entered Equestria. I recommend you change that, it kind of goes against the nature of cutie marks. Either that, or explain why they started off with cutie marks already on them.
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Tiger on 2012 Nov 15, 23:30:53
Quote from: Gracie Sky on 2012 Nov 15, 23:14:25
Spoiler: show
This is a critique for Tiger Stripes (http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=5378.0) by Tiger.

I must admit I'm having difficulty critiquing this character professionally, because of how unprofessionally adorable she is. I mean when you talk about how your OC races have their own island and meet at a warehouse on occasion to socialize because they are all English speaking creatures, the side of me that is a critic shakes its head, but I still can't help but smile at it.

Now, the idea of a cat turned into a pony is different for sure. I kind of like the idea, although I am not an advocate for pony hybrids/crossovers in general. With a cat from a different world, it's a little more believable. The characteristics of a cat can be associated with that of a pony, making it easier for her to fit in a pony world.

As for your History...  I use the word "convenient" again. When I say that, it refers to the lack of explanation or foreshadowing on about half of the things that has happened in Tiger Stripes's life, and I somehow doubt these details were deliberately left out. Miraculously surviving an earthquake after she was born on top of a pile of rubble... A mirror world from where she saved a character I didn't know existed until Tiger Stripes saved her... A cave that mysteriously appears and leads to Equestria... Do you see what all these lack? A reason. The why and how. Of course, there's no obligation to explain the origins or reasoning behind any of these in something like a character bio. What bothers me is that the way you bring these events up gives me the impression that these are plot devices randomly put in to progress the character.

Or perhaps this character's life has been a reflection of RPs? Yes... that seems more likely. With that in mind, the randomness of her experiences makes more sense and doesn't really require explanation, since what happens in RPs should stay in RPs.

If I were to give you any advice on how to improve this character, you would do well to better explain the things in her history. What is the Mirror World? Who is Shori? How can a cat turned into a pony build a machine that can lead them back to their homeworld? Is the friend a science wizard or something?

Oh... right... you mentioned they started with cutie marks once they entered Equestria. I recommend you change that, it kind of goes against the nature of cutie marks. Either that, or explain why they started off with cutie marks already on them.


Thank you very much for the critique, I shall try and improve Tiger further. Very much appreciated!  ^-^
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Gracie Sky on 2012 Nov 24, 17:52:23
This is a critique for Smokeout Knight (http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=5436.0) by Smoke_out.

First off, I'd like to thank you for being so patient while your past incarnation of the OC was being critiqued.

Now, as a character, he is vastly improved and is far more viable to exist in Equestria. His role as somewhat of a Lorekeeper is rather intriguing, I have yet to see anypony like that to date. I encourage you to take his search for knowledge and stories as far as you can. Of course, as you already know, you'll need to be prepared to change whatever lore you introduce when and if it suddenly contradicts the show's canon lore.

I was a little skeptical about his vapor form until you explained it and compared it to Nightmare Moon's vapor ability. I suggest you explain the details of that ability when you bring it up in "Special Abilities", rather than in "Weaknesses" (it's not really even a weakness, is it?). In fact... I'm not even sure you need a Weakness and Strength tab, since I don't feel they add any content other than to detail the finer points of his vapor skill.

I also wonder about his innate ability to detect hidden feelings. Is he psychic and can actually read what other ponies are feeling, or is he just really knowledgeable on pony psychiatry and knows how they are feeling based on experience? I would advise the second, because he is not a Unicorn and being psychic... is quite frankly even beyond the magic Unicorns are capable of. I don't even think Alicorns like Celestia can read minds. I won't say it's impossible, of course. One of my own OCs can read feelings, but she can't really do anything else.

Lastly, I'd like to bring up the whole "Origins of Equestria" thing you have going. Is there any significance about knowing the beings who supposedly created Equestria to the point where Princess Celestia would recommend keeping the knowledge of their existence a secret? You don't need to answer that question, since it would probably spoil whatever plot devices you may have, but I'm just making sure you are prepared to answer that question when the time comes.

... Wait... does that mean DISCORD helped make Equestria?! :I
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Link on 2012 Nov 29, 10:34:13
So I've done a lot of reworking with a new OC that I've been trying out, and I think I'm ready to have him reviewed again. I'm not even sure where I got this idea for this kind of pony, but I really want to make it work and seem believable at the same time. So, here it is (feel free to review both, but the main one I'm posting for is the second, Quick Draw).

http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=2294.msg145564#msg145564
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: ShadowHeart on 2012 Dec 01, 18:43:11
posted a new oc and i wouldn't mind some comments on her or anything that needs work thxies
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: byndbored on 2012 Dec 03, 14:15:35
I'm working on a 2nd chapter to my oc's story if you have any ideas can you let me know.
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Gracie Sky on 2012 Dec 03, 17:57:53
This is a critique for Lord Fancy Pants (the First), Hackberry Blossom, and Willow Amber Blossom (http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=2636.msg312703#msg312703) by The Wandering Magus.

At first, I was curious why you would not put as much effort into these characters, but now I can see why. They are 4 generations behind a Mary Sue GM character and Juniper Blossom respectively. On the other hand, I'm not quite sure why you deemed it worthy to bring up these characters of old and make a bio on them, but I'm sure you have a good reason.

Lord Fancy Pants is about 50% stereotypical. Half of your description of him matches my assumptions about him from reading his name. You do have a habit of making half predictable ponies, although that's not particularly a bad thing. Now what I'm wondering about is his supposed destiny of carrying on the Pants name and family line. Isn't it the job of everypony to try and carry on their particular family line or try to lead it to greatness? Although I suppose him specializing in this aspect of life is not too far out there. I also questioned nobles becoming part of the Royal Guard. I don't doubt his ability to fight, but... I just look at the likes of Filthy Rich and think to myself, "Rich ponies are too afraid of breaking a hoof to get involved in fighting." I'm sure that's not the case with Lord Fancy Pants, but be aware that such a view of rich ponies is there. Lastly, I'm rather intrigued by his task of looking for new lands, as some sort of pony Christopher Columbus! Or was he one of the ponies we'd see in the Hearth's Warming Eve play, considering how long ago this was?

I'm going to be combining the other two, since they are engaged and are basically telling the same story from a different point of view. I don't see much to comment on, though. They both came from what I'm guessing to be a old-fashioned self-sufficient family line, can convert bits into the product of their trade, and married each other for reasons unknown. After that, they went on exploring because the Princesses invited them to... which I'm rather curious about. The only thing I found interesting about them is the concept of combining berries with herblism. That could produce some strange results that I can only imagine.
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: super_chris85 on 2012 Dec 03, 19:43:27
I would like some of mine done here are two of them if y'all don't mind
Soul Runner:
http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=5825.0
thunder Star:
http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=5711.0
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: hyliawisdom on 2012 Dec 04, 16:34:53
http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=5833.0

Could you please review her? I would like to get an opinion, sorry that there's no picture yet.
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: The Wandering Magus on 2012 Dec 04, 16:40:30
Quote from: Gracie Sky on 2012 Dec 03, 17:57:53
This is a critique for Lord Fancy Pants (the First), Hackberry Blossom, and Willow Amber Blossom (http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=2636.msg312703#msg312703) by The Wandering Magus.

At first, I was curious why you would not put as much effort into these characters, but now I can see why. They are 4 generations behind a Mary Sue GM character and Juniper Blossom respectively. On the other hand, I'm not quite sure why you deemed it worthy to bring up these characters of old and make a bio on them, but I'm sure you have a good reason.

Lord Fancy Pants is about 50% stereotypical. Half of your description of him matches my assumptions about him from reading his name. You do have a habit of making half predictable ponies, although that's not particularly a bad thing. Now what I'm wondering about is his supposed destiny of carrying on the Pants name and family line. Isn't it the job of everypony to try and carry on their particular family line or try to lead it to greatness? Although I suppose him specializing in this aspect of life is not too far out there. I also questioned nobles becoming part of the Royal Guard. I don't doubt his ability to fight, but... I just look at the likes of Filthy Rich and think to myself, "Rich ponies are too afraid of breaking a hoof to get involved in fighting." I'm sure that's not the case with Lord Fancy Pants, but be aware that such a view of rich ponies is there. Lastly, I'm rather intrigued by his task of looking for new lands, as some sort of pony Christopher Columbus! Or was he one of the ponies we'd see in the Hearth's Warming Eve play, considering how long ago this was?

I'm going to be combining the other two, since they are engaged and are basically telling the same story from a different point of view. I don't see much to comment on, though. They both came from what I'm guessing to be a old-fashioned self-sufficient family line, can convert bits into the product of their trade, and married each other for reasons unknown. After that, they went on exploring because the Princesses invited them to... which I'm rather curious about. The only thing I found interesting about them is the concept of combining berries with herblism. That could produce some strange results that I can only imagine.
Thank you very much for the critique!  The characters were for Starsong's "Adventure Across Equestria" Roleplay set before Luna's fall, so I needed some "ancient" characters, and somewhat wished to have a few that were at least tangentially related to my main OCs.

I based his choice to enter the military on the tradition of Renaissance and 1800's aristocrats and nobles having at least a nominal military rank and training.

We shall see how the adventure develops, as I am crafting his story as realistically as possible, as I go along :)

I shall attempt to continue expanding their biographies and backstories as I do some research into the ways of life of individuals in the "theme" time period :)  Again, thank you for the review! ^-^
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Gracie Sky on 2012 Dec 06, 21:06:32
This is a Critique for Quick Draw (http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=2294.0) by Link.

I'm a little intimidated by this pony, but I find a few consistency problems with him.

First off, most of his in life decisions I find to contradict your claim that he is unnaturally wise for his age. If being wise leads one to believe that it is smart to "do unto others before others do unto you", I question his wisdom. And if he is the sort to cheat off of others and lie habitually when it suits him, I also question how academically smart he is as well. You say his parents led him down a road of good morals, which leads me to believe he picked up these... rather deceitful qualities from those who bullied him.

The manner in which he acquired his crippling injury is a bit... ugly for Equestria. It makes me kind of cringe just reading about chemicals on open wounds. I'm guessing the whole incident is a plot device to make it where Quick Draw has to use his magic to move around rather than his feet. I'm not even considering how ponies can survive wardrobes being dropped on them (for comical purposes, of course), and come out with but a scratch or a prop cast. I just have difficulty seeing permanent damage on a pony. You might want to give the scenario a second thought.

Of course, as a whole, he is a decent character. I think what would improve him is putting him in context with your other character, if the two have anything to do with each other. The way I see it, he is an example of the kind of pony I would not what somepony to become. Having said that, due to this nature, he has the capacity to change for the better. This sort of potential to his development adds a nice layer of substance to this character. I think to myself "I hope somepony helps him" and by somepony, I would assume it's another one of your OCs, which is why I suggested putting the two in context with each other.

Overall, keep in mind the points I brought up and he should turn out fine.
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: ping111 on 2012 Dec 06, 21:18:21
Perhaps you'd like my OC, Maple] (http://www.canterlot.com/topic/11068-maple-final/page__hl__%2Bmaple+%2Bquest)?  Please let me know what you think!  Thanks!
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Link on 2012 Dec 06, 21:48:22
Quote from: Gracie Sky on 2012 Dec 06, 21:06:32
This is a Critique for Quick Draw (http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=2294.0) by Link.

I'm a little intimidated by this pony, but I find a few consistency problems with him.

First off, most of his in life decisions I find to contradict your claim that he is unnaturally wise for his age. If being wise leads one to believe that it is smart to "do unto others before others do unto you", I question his wisdom. And if he is the sort to cheat off of others and lie habitually when it suits him, I also question how academically smart he is as well. You say his parents led him down a road of good morals, which leads me to believe he picked up these... rather deceitful qualities from those who bullied him.

The manner in which he acquired his crippling injury is a bit... ugly for Equestria. It makes me kind of cringe just reading about chemicals on open wounds. I'm guessing the whole incident is a plot device to make it where Quick Draw has to use his magic to move around rather than his feet. I'm not even considering how ponies can survive wardrobes being dropped on them (for comical purposes, of course), and come out with but a scratch or a prop cast. I just have difficulty seeing permanent damage on a pony. You might want to give the scenario a second thought.

Of course, as a whole, he is a decent character. I think what would improve him is putting him in context with your other character, if the two have anything to do with each other. The way I see it, he is an example of the kind of pony I would not what somepony to become. Having said that, due to this nature, he has the capacity to change for the better. This sort of potential to his development adds a nice layer of substance to this character. I think to myself "I hope somepony helps him" and by somepony, I would assume it's another one of your OCs, which is why I suggested putting the two in context with each other.

Overall, keep in mind the points I brought up and he should turn out fine.


Thank you very much for your critique Gracie. You brought up a lot of good points which slipped my mind; if you happen to have any suggestions for an alternative to the cause of his leg injury, please let me know.
I'm also glad for the impression you got from him, I plan to develop this in a future RP.  ^-^
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Gracie Sky on 2012 Dec 10, 19:15:20
This is a critique for Violet Light (http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=5635.0) by ShadowHeart.

I was just wondering if you were aware of the fandubbed "Japony", which serves as the current Japan of the ponyworld.

Now as a foreign advisory and member of a royal family, I would expect her to be accompanied by supervisors or guardians or somepony to keep her safe and keep her in line. You specifically say she doesn't require an escort to go outside, but I don't see a country sending a foreign advisory without some sort of precautionary protection (even if it is the land of love and toleration). I recommend one just for the potential and the ease of bridging the cultural gaps. For example, if she is enjoying her freedom too much, I could imagine her chaperon could be trying in vain to get her to act more civilized like a frustrated babysitter. Also, perhaps her attendant could have some knowledge of both cultures and help explain differences between the two societies' traditions and behavioral tendencies.

You mention she gets occasionally drunk (with freedom?). I recommend against that, even though the Cider in Equestria has been suggested to be alcoholic. There's just something... not right with getting drunk on a show designed for children. I cannot say I approve of it. Of course, if you're just saying she is overindulging on her newfound freedom, then I'm fine, although you'll want to make that more clear with the way to say it.

Your concept is very well conceived, though. I enjoy the idea of a foreign ambassador of sorts, the idea was just recently explored with the Horses from Saddle Arabia. What you have is a more in depth version, something most definitely welcome. However, the reader is going to want learn more, myself included. I hope you have a lot of cultural richness prepared to satisfy your readers' desire for learning about Asian pony civilization. If you do, this OC will do quite well.
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: byndbored on 2012 Dec 17, 10:49:38
I've been working on my OC so maybe you could see how well I'm doing so far i guess.
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Gracie Sky on 2012 Dec 17, 21:33:52
This is a critique for Beyond bored (http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=2268.0) by byndbored.

First of all, you should proofread it for misspellings, capitalization, and formatting. You also use parenthesis a little too often. Fixing these little things will go a long way.

Now... you should be aware how intricate this critique is going to be. You're asking me to evaluate a story that is a reflection of a dream. Most of your concepts are abstract, full of unknown variables and little to no history. I almost feel the story is more focused on than the character. Of course... because this is based on a dream, it should be expected. I will be addressing both the character and the story.

Beyond Bored him is a pretty mysterious pony, he has amnesia and apparently fights with himself. I get the feeling he doesn't have a life, save for being this villain's experiment. I guess I'm trying to say the character is highly undeveloped, since we don't know his past, why he's in a maze, and why he has so many other strange ponies following him. These will need to be explained, along with some other quirks about him, in order to develop the character to a point where he can start being appreciated by your audience. You might even want to address how he even knows his name is Beyond Bored, since he can't remember his past.

The story is full of... I'd like to call them logical fallacies: aspects that don't make sense from a normal thinking pony's perspective. Of course, this piece was inspired by a dream, which don't normally make sense in the first place, so that may explain it. We don't know anything about this villain, so maybe that's a good place for you to start when you develop the story more. You'll also have to explain this group who are "try to make him one of them", and what exactly they are. You also have the apparently unsupervised Beyond Bored essentially using the convenient Canterlot Royal Guard's raid as a distraction as he destroys an evil lair by raiding the unsecured and unguarded armory loaded with weapons capable of destroying an entire building, as though he knew where this armory was, despite not even being able to recall who he is or what he has been doing since foalhood, because you claim that's what anypony would do. You see where the logic doesn't match up, right?

We all like mystery and intrigue in a character, but you need some material behind that. I'd also like to know more about the Beyond Bored of today. What is he doing now? Just wandering around without direction all alone? How does he support himself? Why is his cutie mark a shield with a question mark? Is it because he is a "walking question mark"? Is that truly his talent? I realize dreams and any product of one normally is not restricted by our sense of logic, but you're going to have to introduce some logic for this character to come around and be coherent.
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Dasdaq on 2012 Dec 17, 22:54:25
http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=5906.0 Woooooooooooooooooo Lets give it a go :D
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: OnyZ on 2012 Dec 18, 17:00:30
http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=5931.0

I'm not entirely pleased with how it's written, but I'll just put it here, regardless.
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Stardust Dragon on 2012 Dec 18, 17:54:51
Spoiler: show
http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=3897.msg288464;topicseen#msg288464


This is a little old, but I didn't want to just bump the thread from several months ago.  Would you mind doing a little review of him?

Sorry if the background is a bit excessive or nonsensical.  I don't call myself a writer, so I'm not great at constructing an idea most people can follow.  Also the links I messed up were just reference pictures. I'll post them in order here if you like.

Spoiler: show
(http://i1252.photobucket.com/albums/hh578/LunaKnight100/MidnightStorm.png)
(http://i1252.photobucket.com/albums/hh578/LunaKnight100/MidnightStormCutiemark.png)
(http://i1252.photobucket.com/albums/hh578/LunaKnight100/Stormyshades.png)
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: super_chris85 on 2012 Dec 18, 18:35:19
i got another one i liked you to do plz
http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=5969.0
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: The Silent Wolf on 2012 Dec 18, 21:24:58
If you wouldn't mind, could you critique Wolf Petal, I've nerfed her down a bit and added more to her. The links in my siggy and right here. http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=5703.0
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: byndbored on 2012 Dec 19, 01:40:02
I redid my character's story so when you can let me know your opinion. :D
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Gracie Sky on 2012 Dec 20, 21:18:06
This is a critique for Soul Runner (http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=5825.0), Thunder Star (http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=5711.0), and Johnny Pear (http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=5969.0) by super_chris85.

I will note that all your OCs suffer from bad spelling, capitalization, and grammar. It would help if you proofread your work, or had it proofread by somepony else. They all are kinda short too, so there won't be a lot for me to critique. Each pony will be address separately.

Soul Runner has a lot of antagonistic properties, although it seems it was because he was raised poorly. Still, I find his generally bad attitude to be well done. I may not like ponies with that arrogant personality type, but they are still as needed and important as less selfish ponies are. His run in with the Wonderbolts and his desire to ruin them is a bit petty, but I think you are going in the right direction with this if you plan to go further with the idea.

Thunder Star kind of scares me with his... alien eyes. I find his appearance in general to be... definitely not something from Canterlot. You might want to reconsider his design, unless he has a reason to look like that. Because he comes from a rich family, I find it odd that he'd want to break away from that comfort by roughing it out in Ponyville by himself. Was he particularly unsatisfied with his high life? Nonetheless, his most favorable feature is his proficiency with lightning. This is rather unique for Unicorns, as weather is normally more oftenly related to Pegasi. I always enjoy when authors stretch the race boundaries, as long as it can be believed. I can believe a Unicorn summoning lightning.

Johnny Pear is the most ordinary looking of the three here. I enjoy how relaxed he appears to be and his desire to make other ponies happy with his pear selling. Come to think of it, this is the first pony I've seen who sells pears. I would like to see more farming ponies and more fruits and vegetable sellers! However, due to his rather average personality and endeavors, he might not be able to make it past background pony. Also, I am not fond of the name "Johnny" being assigned to a pony, as it is a name more commonly associated with humans.

Overall, some decent quality OCs. Just make sure you work on the presentation, because it doesn't bode well with some readers like myself when we see half-literate OC biographies.
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Gracie Sky on 2012 Dec 27, 18:27:35
This is a critique for River Song (http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=5833.0) by hyliawisdom.

This is a fairly straightforward character. Most of her bases are covered, although I think you could do better with just a little bit more about her, specifically about more personable details.

I find her to be a pretty quirky character, which is good. I don't see many Pegasi who enjoy swimming more than flying, but it's all too obvious with her, which helps establish her individuality. We do see a lot of musical ponies, or at least it seems like I do. What I REALLY want to see is a pony named "River Dance" who does the... well, you know... river dance. That would be something strangely exciting, I think. Her fear of the dark is a really effective developing point; you can do a lot with this and I recommend you play on this aspect of her as much as you can.

"Introverted until she gets to know you and then can be the best pony you know" is quite overplayed for ponies, although I believe you can't have too many of that type. However, one should strive to keep the concept fresh. Her tendencies to soothe sad friends and hand out advice to troubled friends compliments her shy demeanor. A pony like her is very loyal to the few friends she does have, but it seems the other pony always has to break the ice, if you will. With this sort of mentality, this OC will be more reactionary, rather than proactionary, making her a support character at best.

That being said, I would like to see her behavior when her short supply of friends aren't involved. How does she act while alone, with her boss, family, strangers, etc? Her personality, while pretty good, is one dimensional. You would do well to try and expand her personality, which is why I asked you the previous question(s). Unless you want a one dimensional character, show us more than one side of this OC.

Her backstory is... rather short... and unhelpful. You basically said she graduated from school and moved to Ponyville and that was the last 19 years of her life in a nutshell. Of course, if that's all that is worthy of note, then she has a very boring history. You should definitely give her past another go around.
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Copper Rose on 2012 Dec 27, 20:29:16
I'd love it if you critiqued Copper

http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=6054.msg478399#msg478399
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: alexandas on 2012 Dec 29, 14:31:55
Please critique Spellsworth (http://tinyurl.com/cd7qljy) if you can't tell the link is his name
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Gracie Sky on 2012 Dec 29, 17:57:56
This is a critique of Maple by ping111. No link will be given for this character because the only link I have leads away from this forum.

It seems you have already received professional help on this OC, so it's no surprise that it's in a pretty good state right now.

I might start off by mentioning a few "could-be" flaws that bother me in particular, but aren't really mistakes. First, I find that the name "Maple" is a little short for a name by itself. I feel you should extend the name (ex: Maplean), or add a second name to compliment it (ex: Maple Autumn). Of course, it's purely up to you if you want to change the name. Secondly, you have her too dressed. This is a reoccurring problem with most OCs: ponies in Equestria wearing clothes. Only fashonistas, the Canterlot elite, and cowboys wear clothes on a daily basis. You have a pony that lives in the woods in supposedly their natural state, so I'd expect them to be unclothed more than normal.

Her backstory seems to be pretty well done. I can appreciate parents who prefer to be more in tuned with nature than to live in a city. Their adaption to their lifestyle and to their daughter were fluent enough to believe. Of course... no matter how many times I read it, I still have trouble buying the fact that two well meaninged parents would send their daughter to fast for seven days out in the middle of a forest. You say they are the spiritual type, but what does that even mean for a pony? Is there religion in Equestria? I don't see how starving a child for a week by herself in the woods would give her clairvoyance about her cutie mark. Then again, I'm not her parents, I'm sure they had good reasons.

Good thing it all worked out in the end, she learned that her life's calling was making Maple Syrup. To help her parents pay the rent, she decides to sell Maple Syrup to city ponies. It's kind of weird how they were barely making a living, but never thought to sell Maple Syrup until their daughter rediscovered it... and then they have her go sell it while they continue forging for rudimentary sculptures.

I do like her life in the city, though. It brings to light a lot more of her personality, namely her friendliness and her generosity. She is also constantly learning new things, which is a boon for character development. Of course, she is only learning these things because she previously has been locked out of society by her parents until now. I don't know, her life has been a bit strange until she left the blanket of her parents. Good thing they at least raised her to be a sweet and caring mare.

Oh, last thing. Maple Syrup. Has it really gone this long without being discovered by the general public? And Whitetail Woods tours... she's turning into an entrepreneur, isn't she?
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: PrincessParfait on 2012 Dec 31, 17:47:45
I'd sure love a critique <3
http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=2026.msg118982#msg118982
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Gracie Sky on 2012 Dec 31, 18:45:01
This is a critique for Lilac Mose (http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=5906.0) by Dasdaq.

Well, there's not much to comment on this character, as all I know about her is that her brother was killed by muggers and she was punished for it and became quite miserable due to that. On the other hand, I have a lot to say about the ethical treatment of one's children and public safety. I'll be brief, though.

I've already commented on it slightly, but it still disturbs me that you would suggest that Equestria and Princess Celestia would allowed this type of character to exist, and I speak of the underlining factors. Even if it's Fillydelphia, the mere whisper of a pony straight out mugging and/or killing another pony (even worse, young ponies still in school) is simply unheard of. However, I will take note that you have not clarified that it was in fact another pony who killed Lilac's brother, you are quite vague on that part. Regardless, you've tread on the dangerous platform of death in Equestria, and for that reason, this character is an extremely tough sell to believe.

It doesn't stop there, though. Somehow her parents find her at fault for the death of her brother, as if she was part of the reason he died. As an act of revenge, they beat her and tear her tail off. This is simply appalling to me and I cannot fathom events like these transpiring in the land of love and toleration. I know it must be terrific for character development, but all you seem to do is make your OCs life as miserable and depressing as possible. It's actually beyond what is possible, from a realistic stand point.

I'd really like to see some high points in her life, if you insist on keeping mugging, murder, revenge, child abuse, and heartbreak in her back story. Something like how she got her cutie mark or what she does to support herself or when she wants to have fun.

... And I really hope whoever killed her brother was found out and put to justice. Nowhere in Equestria should anypony ever dream of being that selfish and cruel.
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Gracie Sky on 2013 Jan 05, 18:42:16
This is a critique for Coral Helix (http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=5931.0) by OnyZ.

I'm assuming you want a critique on this character, rather than the one you originally asked for, because you replaced it with Coral Helix.

I see he has a very simple and honest childhood, which I'd like to see more out of OCs, rather than depressing, tragedy-ridden ones. Of course, that all goes south once you stick him in the Everfree Forest for years. Sticking ponies in the Everfree is always a dangerous step to take for an author, due to the inherent danger of the place. They say if a pony goes into the forest, they never return (or at least the ponies that are absolutely new to the forest). But every time a pony goes in for a few years and then comes back out, it sort of takes out of the credibility that the forest is really that dangerous. Now, the only way to avoid that is to make your OC special, possessing a legitimate reason why they, in particular, would be able to survive in such a wretched place.

Your reason seems to be his special talent, the ability to research and understand ecosystems, including that of the Everfree Forest. Now, that does hold a bit of water, but you'll have to consider the following, if you plan to use that reasoning. Most importantly, did he already have his cutie mark when he entered the Everfree, or was it earned while he was in there? You mention he was pretty young at the time, and it seems unlikely that a colt is going to be an expert in the ecosystem of a forest nopony ever comes to, much less to research. Having talent in something does not mean you are skilled at it, which is the nature of refining raw talent. What that leaves me left to believe is he turned from a sheltered pony into the next Robinson Crusoe within the span of a week or so. I could almost believe that, but it would be more convincing if you gave him a few more "survival" credentials before entering the Everfree, such as being at the top of his class in Ponyscouts... hehe, Ponyscouts...

Touching up on the rest of the character, you have a handful of holes to fill with his life after escaping the Everfree. Most importantly, his parents' whereabouts. They must have moved away or for some reason do not live where they used to live several years ago, even though they (I'm hoping) were looking for their son. You don't really provide any details about his search for his parents, only state he kind of misses them. Also, I don't feel that the fact he has been in the wilderness for years makes him socially awkward, unless you're going to try and attempt the same card that was played on Zecora. Even then, he's still a pony and not a Zebra... and even THEN, most ponies in Ponyville quickly warmed up to Zecora. Lastly, his magic shouldn't be as sedated as you say it is. It's hard to believe he didn't use magic at all to help him survive, and considering all that free time he had, he didn't find the time to figure out how to get his magic flowing. Magic is something that develops with age, much like flying for Pegasi. Sure having books that teach you about magic help, but I don't find it to be required. I'd sooner believe he is just not good with magic.

Overall, needs a few touch ups, but it has the potential to shed some light in the dark world of the Everfree Forest.
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: GoldenTerrabyte on 2013 Jan 08, 12:19:32
Link to my OC page is in sig. Critique Rainstorm(on top)
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Gracie Sky on 2013 Jan 10, 21:27:53
This is a critique for Midnight Storm (http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=3897.0) by Stardust Dragon.

I can tell you put a good amount of effort into this OC, based on how much relevant content you put into his description.

From what I can tell initially, you have a pony who is heavily associated with the nighttime part of the day who enjoys identifying constellations. To this extent, he is fluent with flying at night and has taken the job of monitoring the weather at night. I really like how unique an idea like this is amongst weather related ponies. His past flows quite nicely and the manner in which he earned his cutie mark is acceptable. I don't particularly think that teaching yourself to fly at night would make one graduate flight school at the top of your class, but I don't know anything about the curriculum in Cloudsdale to prove otherwise.

One thing I am curious about is what else Midnight Storm does at night. Yes, I know he moves clouds and looks at constellations, but I hardly think that could occupy all his time at night. We all know that even the book worm Twilight Sparkle doesn't spend all her time studying... maybe like 90% of her time studying, though. I only ask because I don't recall Ponyville having much of a night life, so I think it would be in your best interest to consider what there is to do in this unexplored area of Ponyville life. I'm sure there's a lot of flexibility for you here.

Something in your biography I think you could do without is Midnight's relation to the various other ponies in Ponyville. So far, I think only Luna has a valid reason to be a subject of interest for your character. Fluttershy, even though she's my favorite pony, does not belong in his biography, since you basically tell me that he doesn't see much of her. I'm also curious why you would mention Ditzy Doo and more importantly, her relation to Time Turner's fan created role as Doctor Who. I'm sure you are a fan of it, but you realize that this particular part of the character can never bear weight from a canon standpoint. Also, I never really thought of Ditzy as spunky.

And who is Lightning Bolt?

Other than the stuff I mentioned above, I see no additional problems with the OC . It's very well balanced and clean, which I can appreciate.
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Chirp on 2013 Jan 13, 16:32:12
If you find the time in your busy schedule, could you critique my adopted pony Liaisa?
http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=6268.0

It's a base and I'll definitely change it some more, but I'd like to know what you think of her so far.
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Gracie Sky on 2013 Jan 14, 19:43:53
This is a critique for Wolf Petal (http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=5703.0) by The Silent Wolf.

I'm going to get the bigger issues out of the way first.

-The biggest issue is her retractable claws. If you really want to have her keep them, they will require an explanation. Having a pony with claws is about as awkward as a human with (wolf) claws. I'm positive if anypony saw them, they would be kind of intimidated by them. At the very least, they would more likely than not want to know why or how she has claws, since nopony to date has ever been seen able to brandish retractable claws. It's going to be an oftenly asked question, based on how often she shows them, so you need an answer ready.

-My second issue is that you do not address her cutie mark and her special talent in her bio, which would have been really nice. I have no idea how she got to become so good with animals/painting/music, or even how proficient she is at the aforementioned. This is a very important aspect of her as it basically defines who she is, so having a handful of sentences divulge on the topic would be very insightful.

Other than those to key problems, I would clean up your formatting, as it kind of looks a bit sloppy to me.

Her past in school shows a lot of transformation in her character. She is a drama queen, then she opens up after making some friends, then she hardens up a bit due to bullying. Although the process seems a bit hurried, I always encourage characters to learn and grow throughout their lives. Of course, it seems to me that this character develops exclusively in RPs that she attends. This on top of the fact that she is a ponysona, it's rather difficult for me to tell you how you can improve her. It would be like me telling you how to improve your life or how the RPs she went to could improve... that's really not my place.

Regardless, keep up the good work with her. I'm sure she has a lot more growing to do!
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Stardust Dragon on 2013 Jan 14, 23:51:36
Spoiler: show
Quote from: Gracie Sky on 2013 Jan 10, 21:27:53
This is a critique for Midnight Storm (http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=3897.0) by Stardust Dragon.

I can tell you put a good amount of effort into this OC, based on how much relevant content you put into his description.

From what I can tell initially, you have a pony who is heavily associated with the nighttime part of the day who enjoys identifying constellations. To this extent, he is fluent with flying at night and has taken the job of monitoring the weather at night. I really like how unique an idea like this is amongst weather related ponies. His past flows quite nicely and the manner in which he earned his cutie mark is acceptable. I don't particularly think that teaching yourself to fly at night would make one graduate flight school at the top of your class, but I don't know anything about the curriculum in Cloudsdale to prove otherwise.

One thing I am curious about is what else Midnight Storm does at night. Yes, I know he moves clouds and looks at constellations, but I hardly think that could occupy all his time at night. We all know that even the book worm Twilight Sparkle doesn't spend all her time studying... maybe like 90% of her time studying, though. I only ask because I don't recall Ponyville having much of a night life, so I think it would be in your best interest to consider what there is to do in this unexplored area of Ponyville life. I'm sure there's a lot of flexibility for you here.

Something in your biography I think you could do without is Midnight's relation to the various other ponies in Ponyville. So far, I think only Luna has a valid reason to be a subject of interest for your character. Fluttershy, even though she's my favorite pony, does not belong in his biography, since you basically tell me that he doesn't see much of her. I'm also curious why you would mention Ditzy Doo and more importantly, her relation to Time Turner's fan created role as Doctor Who. I'm sure you are a fan of it, but you realize that this particular part of the character can never bear weight from a canon standpoint. Also, I never really thought of Ditzy as spunky.

And who is Lightning Bolt?

Other than the stuff I mentioned above, I see no additional problems with the OC . It's very well balanced and clean, which I can appreciate.


I appreciate the honest critique.  I'll admit I never gave much consideration to what else he did during the night.  It's certainly a valid point I'll address when I have some free time.

As a note, I initially wrote this in regards to my personal favorite characters and fan projects, so I included that he knew some of my favorite characters from the show, but tried to keep it as canon-friendly as possible.  You're right, I am a major fan of Doctor Whooves and Assistant, so I included a reference or two from there when talking about Ditzy.  I kind of forgot to consider other people's opinions and/or canon traits and interactions when I posted the biography for others to view, so that's my fault. 

And in answer to your question, Lightning Bolt is a background pony with no official name: I went off the wiki's "preferred" name for her.  She's the pegasus that flies in and does a quick roll as Twilight steps out of the balloon in the opening, both versions.  I just liked her design, so I included her.  I also used her cutie mark in MS Paint to make Stormy's, so I also owed her for that!

Once again, thanks for taking the time to give this an honest and heartfelt critique, and for not ripping it to shreds like my paranoid mind thought you might. x3
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Gracie Sky on 2013 Jan 17, 20:35:26
This is a critique for Copper Rose (http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=6054.0) by Copper Rose.

I do like what I see in this character. We have an extremely independent pony with a love of making decorations. She actually might be a little too independent for her own good, since she doesn't like receiving orders. On the other hand, I see that stubbornness in her to be a vital character flaw. I can see this flaw being exploitable in order to further develop this character. Ever since Pinkie Pie, I have yet to see much in the way of ponies who are into parties by any means, so I find her talent to be a welcome addition. I'd like to see more detail about how she developed a taste for making party decorations more than it just being a childhood hobby that she eventually became serious about. It's always a good start to describe exactly where and when and why she received her cutie mark.

I did find two things about her that I was uneasy about. The more important of the two are her parents. They wanted her to inherit their hotels and really didn't want to take no for an answer. Of course, Copper Rose wanted nothing to do with hotels, which caused their relationship with each other to take a rather sour turn. Now, it may be true that I cannot stand it when somepony tries to tell you who you should or should not be; it is our job to discover who we are by ourselves, but it really leaves a bad taste in my mouth to see her and her parents leave each other on such bad terms. If you want keep things as you have described them, then I recommend that mending that bridge be one of her top priorities after she can steadily support herself. Even if they were acting selfish, parents only want what is best for their child and family is one of the most important things in life.

The other thing that kind of bothered me is your process by which Copper Rose was trying to raise money to support herself. The whole concept of ponies making a living is an unexplored area of Equestrian life. Yes, most of them have jobs, which we are to assume earn them bits, but I've never seen a homeless or "unemployed" pony before. What I'm trying to point out is that you may be going overboard with her financial history. You go into like two paragraphs explaining her transactions or lack thereof in a world where it is typically safe to assume that everypony is earning enough to support themselves and get the things they need. I'm still trying to figure out who is paying Fluttershy for running an animal shelter which is actually her house.

A really personalized pony, although she still has potential for even more personalization.  Just give the things I brought up some thought and see what changes might be needed.
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: super_chris85 on 2013 Jan 17, 22:52:10
Quote from: Gracie Sky on 2012 Dec 20, 21:18:06
This is a critique for Soul Runner (http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=5825.0), Thunder Star (http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=5711.0), and Johnny Pear (http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=5969.0) by super_chris85.

I will note that all your OCs suffer from bad spelling, capitalization, and grammar. It would help if you proofread your work, or had it proofread by somepony else. They all are kinda short too, so there won't be a lot for me to critique. Each pony will be address separately.

Soul Runner has a lot of antagonistic properties, although it seems it was because he was raised poorly. Still, I find his generally bad attitude to be well done. I may not like ponies with that arrogant personality type, but they are still as needed and important as less selfish ponies are. His run in with the Wonderbolts and his desire to ruin them is a bit petty, but I think you are going in the right direction with this if you plan to go further with the idea.

Thunder Star kind of scares me with his... alien eyes. I find his appearance in general to be... definitely not something from Canterlot. You might want to reconsider his design, unless he has a reason to look like that. Because he comes from a rich family, I find it odd that he'd want to break away from that comfort by roughing it out in Ponyville by himself. Was he particularly unsatisfied with his high life? Nonetheless, his most favorable feature is his proficiency with lightning. This is rather unique for Unicorns, as weather is normally more oftenly related to Pegasi. I always enjoy when authors stretch the race boundaries, as long as it can be believed. I can believe a Unicorn summoning lightning.

Johnny Pear is the most ordinary looking of the three here. I enjoy how relaxed he appears to be and his desire to make other ponies happy with his pear selling. Come to think of it, this is the first pony I've seen who sells pears. I would like to see more farming ponies and more fruits and vegetable sellers! However, due to his rather average personality and endeavors, he might not be able to make it past background pony. Also, I am not fond of the name "Johnny" being assigned to a pony, as it is a name more commonly associated with humans.

Overall, some decent quality OCs. Just make sure you work on the presentation, because it doesn't bode well with some readers like myself when we see half-literate OC biographies.

Thank you for this I understand all of these reasons. At first for Star i wasn't really planning on making him an actual OC but i started to think of his story in my head so i thought it was a good idea also i do need to change to say that he didn't really like the upper-class life cuz of the canterlot folk and his Lightning is just a power he can't per say control weather but he also knows a lot of spells. Soul I was planing on using in Rp when i found one he could easily fit like one of the adventure which i'm waiting on a new one. And Pear i only used johnny as his first name because i honestly can't come up with anything better then that.
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Gracie Sky on 2013 Jan 21, 19:09:24
This is a critique for Spellsworth (http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=6070.0) by alexandas.

I know he's a work in progress, but I still feel I should bring up the many weird things I thought about him.

In general, I find him too over the top. How does one even get lost at birth? Sounds like a convenient way to make him an orphan. It makes me wonder how a newborn, whom you specifically say grew up alone, managed to support himself during his childhood. Not only did he support himself, he had time to learn magic on the side, and became quite good at it, in fact. However, once he got a job at the library, things appear to start looking up for him. He finds out that he's good at writing, which brings out the greedy side of his supposed best friend. Any friend who would value your fictional stories over your friendship can hardly be called a friend.

The oddities don't end after he leaves Canterlot. This sounds like RPing material here, but he apparently stops a never previously mentioned evil mastermind with his dragon friend and gets a large collection of "forbidden books" in the process. What's more? He discovers his long lost brother hanging out in the mastermind's evil lair that Spellsworth somehow recognized... after 11 years and probably only seeing his brother once at Canterlot Hospital as he was born before becoming lost. It's... a difficult sell for me.

Because he doesn't want these books to fall into the wrong hands he destroys them all decides to hide them in his own personal library that he built in the ever so dangerous Everfree Forest. One day, while trying out a time travelling spell, he bumps into Clouy and they both get sent back in time 5 years. Oh wait, she happens to be an orphan too! Instead of trying to get back to their original timeline, they just stick around, able to predict what is going to happen in the next 5 years and use this information to gamble on Pegasus Races. Of course, time travel is very dangerous, since you run the risk of running into your 5 year younger self or completely realtering the course of history; like if you knew the evil Redfang was going to try taking over Ponyville in a few years, you could just find him beforehand and stop him before he even got started. But wait, if you do that, your 5 years past self would have never found those forbidden books and would have never been able to do that time travel spell! It's always a better idea to avoid time travel, when you can help it.

Those were the major problems, mostly to do with his history. His character I find to be just fine; he'd be a really good pony to know. But his abilities with magic might be a little... too strong, if he has to sleep for 12 hours a day and reads forbidden books the other 12 hours and needs some weird tonic I've never heard of to keep his body functional due to the magnitude of his magic. Not even Twilight Sparkle has that kind of power.
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: ArtVeigar on 2013 Jan 22, 09:57:21
Could you critique my two OCs (link in signature)? You aready made some comments about Arty in his thread, and I already made some explanations.

Thanks in advance :D
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: alexandas on 2013 Jan 24, 20:35:28
Quote from: Gracie Sky on 2013 Jan 21, 19:09:24
This is a critique for Spellsworth (http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=6070.0) by alexandas.

I know he's a work in progress, but I still feel I should bring up the many weird things I thought about him.

In general, I find him too over the top. How does one even get lost at birth? Sounds like a convenient way to make him an orphan. It makes me wonder how a newborn, whom you specifically say grew up alone, managed to support himself during his childhood. Not only did he support himself, he had time to learn magic on the side, and became quite good at it, in fact. However, once he got a job at the library, things appear to start looking up for him. He finds out that he's good at writing, which brings out the greedy side of his supposed best friend. Any friend who would value your fictional stories over your friendship can hardly be called a friend.

The oddities don't end after he leaves Canterlot. This sounds like RPing material here, but he apparently stops a never previously mentioned evil mastermind with his dragon friend and gets a large collection of "forbidden books" in the process. What's more? He discovers his long lost brother hanging out in the mastermind's evil lair that Spellsworth somehow recognized... after 11 years and probably only seeing his brother once at Canterlot Hospital as he was born before becoming lost. It's... a difficult sell for me.

Because he doesn't want these books to fall into the wrong hands he destroys them all decides to hide them in his own personal library that he built in the ever so dangerous Everfree Forest. One day, while trying out a time travelling spell, he bumps into Clouy and they both get sent back in time 5 years. Oh wait, she happens to be an orphan too! Instead of trying to get back to their original timeline, they just stick around, able to predict what is going to happen in the next 5 years and use this information to gamble on Pegasus Races. Of course, time travel is very dangerous, since you run the risk of running into your 5 year younger self or completely realtering the course of history; like if you knew the evil Redfang was going to try taking over Ponyville in a few years, you could just find him beforehand and stop him before he even got started. But wait, if you do that, your 5 years past self would have never found those forbidden books and would have never been able to do that time travel spell! It's always a better idea to avoid time travel, when you can help it.

Those were the major problems, mostly to do with his history. His character I find to be just fine; he'd be a really good pony to know. But his abilities with magic might be a little... too strong, if he has to sleep for 12 hours a day and reads forbidden books the other 12 hours and needs some weird tonic I've never heard of to keep his body functional due to the magnitude of his magic. Not even Twilight Sparkle has that kind of power.

Well here's the first and easiest explanation of things: He's very crazy.
His magic strength has been tried to smooth over and fix a few things.
You've got the history wrong ((unless i forgot to put what is in my very vast mind)) cluoy, for one, bumped into him, he was simply setting time back five DAYS and got the spell messed up, he knew he was nowhere near ponhyville on those times.  And cluoy's not an orphan, well i don't think she is.  Uhh okay shes not an orphan last i checked.  She is somehow old enough to find a job, also the "weird tonic" is simply rat poisoning Amal, which is simply unicorn magic power bottled up.  he is to strong, i've tried to balance him a bit.  Also the story is to random even for me, I might be making spellsworth a lesser character, Shadow, I've found, is much more fun and interesting and less crazy.  But his past is much more difficult.  Eh, anyway thank you for pointing out some thing i need to expand on and perhaps modify.
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Gracie Sky on 2013 Jan 24, 21:51:53
This is a critique for Parfait (http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=2026.0) by PrincessParfait.

Heh, you should already know I have nothing but praise for this character. On my list of talented Pony OC makers on this forum (not including myself), you make the second best OCs, so my expectations out of you are much higher. Still, I don't expect you to disappoint.

I can see a lot of hidden potential out of Parfait. Her role as a fairytale hunter(?) leaves enormous amounts of flexibility with the various activities she can do and gives her a very unique approach to life. While when I boil it down, she is just living life and giving it a title, she is at least going out and experiencing things and learning important life lessons. She is an embodiment of the ideals promoted in the show, which is something I can appreciate and wished occurred in more OCs.

Her past is very short yet quaint. She was very close to her father and wanted to complete this fairytale book left by her mother. I'm sure that's all we really need to know about her past, but I implore you to consider telling us more than we need to know. That's up to you, since perhaps the rest of her past is irrelevant to her present day self and would hurt the character to include.

I guess I should address her most prominent feature, and that's the abundant levels of cuteness radiating out of her. You name it, if it has anything to do with being cute, she probably has it. As it has always stood with me, I find this cuteness to be excessively deliberate. I'd say she's this close to Tasting like Diabetes (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/TastesLikeDiabetes) and perfectly fitting in with G3. As far as what I would do about it goes, you have one of two ways to help counterbalance her cuteness without completely destroying what she stands for. To help illustrate my suggestions, I will be using the show's current leader in cuteness, Fluttershy.

-Idea #1-
Show us the other sides of her emotions. Fluttershy isn't always soft spoken or kind hearted. When being nice just doesn't cut it, we see rare footage of parts of Fluttershy that she probably isn't too proud of, but still is a necessary part of her.

-Idea #2-
Use a counterbalancing character. This could be another pony or even a pet whose purpose is to help drag a cute character's cuteness closer down the road of reality (without actually taking out of the cuteness). Angel is a good example, with his mean yet impossible to hate treatment of Fluttershy.

Lastly, I think it would be a boon to her if you could tell us what she does other than adventuring to fill up her story telling book. Even Pinkie Pie isn't just known for partying; she is also known for being random, working at a cake retailer, and pulling pranks on the side. I know adventuring covers a lot of possibilities, but I'm looking for something more specific, such as hobbies and exactly what she does to earn a living (or is being a storyteller good money?). The life of a wanderer is really tough since they don't have the luxury of settling down and finding a stable job.

Overall, a very solid character. Very easy to get along with and any trust you give her would be well placed.
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Gracie Sky on 2013 Jan 28, 19:43:34
This is a critique for Rainstorm (http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=5791.0) by Yellowpikmin476.

I'll have to warn you now that since your submission is so small, there won't be a lot for me to critique on. Of course, there are a few things I do want to bring up.

First off, his love of rain I find to be his best feature. The mud on his hooves is also a nice touch, although I can't see mud ever staying on his hooves since he's basically always around rain. His ability to sense and block lightning need more explaining. Are you saying he can predict where lightning will strike? How exactly does one block lightning, anyways? His immunity from getting wet by rain I'm also rather curious about, since everypony else in Equestria gets wet in rain. You so far explain it to the tune of "for some odd reason", which implies nopony knows why he is like that. That'll work for now, I suppose, but I hope you have a legitimate reason that you can provide later on.

One of the oddest things about him is his "element", which you describe as the element of Rain, which is the source of all his "powers". What is this Element of Rain? Is it something like the Elements of Harmony? Or do ponies now have elemental affinities? Regardless, this seems important, so you may wish to bring up some details about these other elements in ponies you are introducing.

Lastly, every other OC you have seems to revolve around Rainstorm in some way or another. Be careful about building too much focus on a singular character, it can be overwhelming for that one character.
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: super_chris85 on 2013 Jan 28, 22:58:17
do you mind doing my other Oc i made her within the last two weeks
http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=6365.0
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Gracie Sky on 2013 Jan 29, 19:46:09
Um... Chris... the character you're asking me to critique has about the equivalent of a paragraph describing her. I don't know how much of a critique I could give off of that. Try to add a little more detail about her by the time I get to her. It would be helpful for the both of us.
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: PrincessParfait on 2013 Jan 29, 21:55:00
Thanks for the compliments and critique.  ^-^ I'll work on the things you said. I added a frog prince as her pet named pistachio. <3
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: GoldenTerrabyte on 2013 Jan 31, 15:09:26
In a word, I'd definitely say he's unfinished. There's definitely more to him.
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: ~Durpy on 2013 Feb 03, 14:48:36
http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=5980.0

Have fun
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: byndbored on 2013 Feb 04, 16:40:00
Quote from: byndbored on 2012 Dec 19, 01:40:02
I redid my character's story so when you can let me know your opinion. :D
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Itty Bit on 2013 Feb 04, 18:00:10
I'm not exactly sure if you could critique her much due to having very little back story, but any advice on how I could make my pony Itty Bit any better would help. If she doesn't have enough going for her to really be criticized, then I understand.  ^-^
http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=6049.msg478193#msg478193
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: boboy76 on 2013 Feb 04, 18:57:11
Well, everypony's doin' it, so here  ^-^

Name: Cosmo Gaze
Age: 16
Gender: Male
Race: Unicorn
Likes:Nighttime, the sky, chocolate, being with other ponies, reading.
Dislikes:Being alone, mean ponies, ponies who mess with his friends, being interrupted.
Personality: A kind pony who doesn't like to be messed with, or bothered.
Spells: He doesn't know many advanced spells, he knows as much spells as an average unicorn does.
Appearance:
Spoiler: show
[IMG]http://i47.tinypic.com/28bsily.jpg[/img]

Cutie Mark:
Spoiler: show
[IMG]http://i45.tinypic.com/f9pan6.png[/img]

Backstory: Cosmo was born in Ponyville but has dreamed of moving to canterlot for a better view at the stars. Ever since Cosmo was a foal he has loved gazing up at the sky at night and examining the stars. He then got an idea, why couldn't he examine them closer? A few days later he got a telescope as a gift from his parents. Cosmo was joyous and couldn't wait to use it at nighttime! When it was night, he pulled up the telescope with his magic and looked through it. When he was looking through it he couldn't believe how much he was missing out on! After he finished looking, he went back into his house. While he was walking through his father told him to look behind him. When he did he noticed his cutie mark had arrived! Cosmo was never happier in his life. The next day Cosmo went to school everypony congratulated him on his cutie mark, he had never been so happy in the past few days. A few years later, his parents told him that they were moving to Canterlot. Cosmo couldn't believe what he was hearing, he had always wanted to go there! The next day Cosmo and his parents said goodbye to all of their friends and boarded the train to Canterlot. The whole train ride Cosmo read a book, and munched on some chocolate that he had gotten before he left. When they finally arrived Cosmo's jaw dropped at how glorious Canterlot was, the buildings were built amazingly, and the art was breathtaking. They then made their way to their new home and settled in, Cosmo has been living there with his family ever since, making new friends and staring into the night sky.

:3
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Gracie Sky on 2013 Feb 04, 20:17:38
This is a critique for Liaisa Machia (http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=6268.0) by Chirp.

Ah, this is the kind of pony I like reading about, even ignoring that really adorable picture of her, because I know it's wrong to judge a pony by their cover. Still... braided hair and ribbons appeal to me in particular, but I won't be bringing up her appearance.

There is a lot going for this pony that I approve of and the base of her characteristics are very stable. She was raised by very proper parents who emphasized their proper lifestyle on their daughter. One way or another, they attended many weddings, which she found out she enjoyed a lot.  I sort of find your reasoning a little suspicious, although not suspicious enough to doubt. I would rather her parents run some sort of wedding related business instead of attending their friends' weddings, but it's not a big problem.

Anyways, through these weddings, she seems to get a good grasp on which type of colts go with which types of mares well. As a result, she manages to pair up ponies at the Hearts and Hooves day dance. Predictably and ironically, she finds a match for everypony but herself, due to being too busy making the aforementioned matches. That must've been some line, which goes to show she didn't have any shortage of colts to choose from, assuming she wanted to match one to herself. The fact that she didn't implies none of them were right for her and she's actually really good at her talent. That's partially what I like about her, she's a ponies' champion. I respect ponies who put others' needs ahead of their own, and that fact is driven further if they have to suffer because of it.

Now what I'd like to know more about is this mysterious colt who rescued her out of her pool of solitude and self pity was. No name, no history, no future. They didn't even really dance. He just came and went, but it changed her life around and inspired her cutie mark. I'm hoping this is all deliberate. I'd also like to know more about her post Hearts and Hooves day dance, unless the story ends there. And the name, I still think it's more of a human name than a pony name.

Nice OC, nonetheless. With some refinement, I could offer my seal of approval for this one.
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Chirp on 2013 Feb 04, 20:58:23
Thank you so much for your critique, Gracie.

I split the story into "Bio" and "Cutiemark Story" and gave the mysterious colt a race and a least bit of a future and past, but not at all much; it's about Liaisa afterall.

I also gave their parents occupations which would perhaps explain better why they attended the weddings?

What I can't change is her name, though. At least the Liaisa part. I like that too much; to me it just fits. I could change the Machia, but I wouldn't know what to change it into right now. If you've got an idea, I'd be more than happy to hear it.
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: cloudandis on 2013 Feb 07, 01:12:42
Eh, what the hay. I might as well give you somethin' to do! Besides, I actually worked on this one x-x

http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=6555.0

Enjoy the read! :D
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Gracie Sky on 2013 Feb 09, 17:57:01
This is a critique for Arty Brightshadow (http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=6094.0) by ArtVeigar

After reading the description, I have the same feelings about the character as I did last time, which I will touch up on and expound on. Overall, I can see what you're trying to attempt with him, but it's a very dangerous road to attempt.

In a nutshell, he can harness light and dark magic based on his current personality, which is a reflection of the mood of the area he's in. When surrounded by optimism, he's very agreeable and uses light magic best. When surrounded by pessimism, he becomes violent and uses dark magic. He was born with a Yin and Yang cutie mark, probably representing the balance of light and dark. It's a really great idea to have an OC so closely attached to emotions, I have one myself, but you face a mountain of obstacles that really give our suspension of disbelief a run for its money.

First off, being born with a cutie marks immediately makes a pony special. He did absolutely no work in try to figure out what his special talent was, nor did he have any say in what he was going to do with his life. A destiny was just handed to him by his fate. If anypony like that ever popped up, especially one with a cutie mark related to the balance of opposites, Princess Celestia would have her nose in it. But... from what I can tell, he is at least trying to live a normal life, despite all these abnormalties about him. I wonder if anypony is even curious about why he was born with a cutie mark or why he changes skin color enough to take him to go see a doctor or some sort of authority figure.

Secondly, this entire business with his attunement to emotions is very... involuntary. The problem with your personality being a reflection of everypony around you is that you have no emotion yourself. We don't know if he's a happy or sad pony because when ever he is happy or sad, it's probably because everypony around him is either happy or sad. It's worse for him, because he has no control over his powers - or emotions. He is hardly a pony more than he is a set of embodied laws designed to scare ponies into being more optimistic. He's dangerous to be around when all is not well, a fact even he is aware of. I would lock up such a threat if he didn't beat me to it by running away and isolating himself for years.

The main thing I suggest for you is to address all the unanswered "whys". Why is he like he is? You don't need me to tell you he is not normal. What happened that was different to make him like he is?

I must say, though, this character does create a lot of intrigue. I'm rather curious to know what he does about his condition and how everything will turn out in the end. Intended or not, that's a good job on your part.
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: ComputerDeathglare on 2013 Feb 09, 19:28:18
Could you do Pyro for me?


http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=6577.0
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Fluffy Cloud on 2013 Feb 09, 21:48:59
Could you do a critique on Tanzanite for me?

http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=6544.0
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: ArtVeigar on 2013 Feb 13, 09:49:53
Quote from: Gracie Sky on 2013 Feb 09, 17:57:01
This is a critique for Arty Brightshadow (http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=6094.0) by ArtVeigar

Spoiler: show
After reading the description, I have the same feelings about the character as I did last time, which I will touch up on and expound on. Overall, I can see what you're trying to attempt with him, but it's a very dangerous road to attempt.

In a nutshell, he can harness light and dark magic based on his current personality, which is a reflection of the mood of the area he's in. When surrounded by optimism, he's very agreeable and uses light magic best. When surrounded by pessimism, he becomes violent and uses dark magic. He was born with a Yin and Yang cutie mark, probably representing the balance of light and dark. It's a really great idea to have an OC so closely attached to emotions, I have one myself, but you face a mountain of obstacles that really give our suspension of disbelief a run for its money.

First off, being born with a cutie marks immediately makes a pony special. He did absolutely no work in try to figure out what his special talent was, nor did he have any say in what he was going to do with his life. A destiny was just handed to him by his fate. If anypony like that ever popped up, especially one with a cutie mark related to the balance of opposites, Princess Celestia would have her nose in it. But... from what I can tell, he is at least trying to live a normal life, despite all these abnormalties about him. I wonder if anypony is even curious about why he was born with a cutie mark or why he changes skin color enough to take him to go see a doctor or some sort of authority figure.

Secondly, this entire business with his attunement to emotions is very... involuntary. The problem with your personality being a reflection of everypony around you is that you have no emotion yourself. We don't know if he's a happy or sad pony because when ever he is happy or sad, it's probably because everypony around him is either happy or sad. It's worse for him, because he has no control over his powers - or emotions. He is hardly a pony more than he is a set of embodied laws designed to scare ponies into being more optimistic. He's dangerous to be around when all is not well, a fact even he is aware of. I would lock up such a threat if he didn't beat me to it by running away and isolating himself for years.

The main thing I suggest for you is to address all the unanswered "whys". Why is he like he is? You don't need me to tell you he is not normal. What happened that was different to make him like he is?

I must say, though, this character does create a lot of intrigue. I'm rather curious to know what he does about his condition and how everything will turn out in the end. Intended or not, that's a good job on your part.



First of all, really thanks for your critique!
For all you've said, now I can just confirm that Arty really doesn't have emotions for himself, at least at the moment. There is even an RP I'm playing where everypony lost their magical abilities, so, incapable of gathering other's emotions, Arty became an emotionless being.

I'll think about all of your suggestions to expand and change the backgorund story, make it more complete and with more sense, and the part I need to really put more thoughts is about his cutie mark and why he was kept unkown even with all his unique characteristics. I'll also change his story along with the RPs I'll be playing.

And about the intrigues, it was more or less intended, as I made it not just for the people who reads his story, but also for myself, as even I don't know how everything will turn out to be. Everything will depends on the RPs I play, as that's what will define his story. Maybe I'll just put some things between RPs so it makes sense.

Thanks again for the critique! :D
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Gracie Sky on 2013 Feb 14, 21:22:44
This is a critique for Durpy (http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=5980.0) by ~Durpy.

I'm not exactly sure how to put this, but this pony has an aura consistent with that of an autobiography. I will be keeping this possibility in mind during the critique.

There's a few critical points that I feel are worth pointing out, although I assume all of these were part of your original intent, but I still feel it merits mentioning. First off is the name, which I'm 99% sure is a play off the fan-named pony of exceeding popularity, Derpy. It's not exactly original, considering everypony enjoys incorporating Derpy into their works nowadays, it seems. However, I'm sure you wanted it this way, and it's not particularly fair of me to judge a name based on the popularity of another. Secondly, there are no video games in Equestria. There aren't even any television sets. Amplifiers... do technically exist, courtesy of Vinyl Scratch. You may wish to reconsider the circumstances surrounding the job he was considering if you want to be more accurate to Equestrian technology.

Okay, now on to the things I saw that could improve as I read your story. First off, you might want to clear up the mystery engulfing this mare who "raised" Durpy. It's not required, if you already understand that anypony who reads the piece is going to wonder exactly who this mare was; particularly whether or not this pony was Durpy's mother and why she was so quick to get rid of him. As a matter of fact, his fillyhood seemed a bit rushed. I think expounding on the key thoughts in his past... and maybe have more than one paragraph would help round out Durpy's development.

Now... his life by himself was partially what gave me the impression he was your ponysona. Looking for jobs, getting money from the "government", and living in apartments are all things people do in real life... but is it something that ponies do? Of course, this is Manehatten, which isn't Ponyville, so I can't say for sure. However, I can say I've never seen a unemployed or homeless pony in the show and I doubt Princess Celestia, who is the government, hands out benefits to her citizens. This touch of the real world may warrant a second look if this OC is not designed to be a ponysona. If it is, it's far more acceptable.

Purple better be his favorite color, because I find his "love at first sight" ordeal with Twilight Sparkle to be a bit too convenient.

Lastly, his special talent doesn't really need to be touched, but you could go into more detail about what exactly he can do with it or how good he is with it. To me, it sounds like all he really needed to do was read a book and a day later, he suddenly became good at something that he hadn't even tried his hoof at until then. Explaining his training process in better detail would really build his credibility.
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Link on 2013 Feb 15, 09:01:35
Sorry, but I just had to correct this one; ponies do in fact have video games, as demonstrated here:

Spoiler: show
(http://fc05.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2013/046/f/7/lolwut_by_ylink1-d5v0f3x.png)
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Gracie Sky on 2013 Feb 16, 18:52:42
Um... yes. While I forgot that scene existed, I find it to be somewhat of a visual gag to emphasize that the pony in question was indeed too young to date a teacher. The fact that it is an outdoor arcade with no means of plugging into an outlet doesn't give it much credibility.

But yes, according to that picture, video games do in fact exist in Equestria.
I will keep this in mind on future reviews.
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Gracie Sky on 2013 Feb 18, 21:06:21
This is a critique for Itty Bit (http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=6049.0) by Itty Bit.

You weren't kidding when you said it was short. I have very little to work with, but I can go over the idea of this character in general.

So what I see is a cute little foal who loves being what one would expect out of a foal. In fact, there's probably a checklist of cute things about a foal and Itty Bit probably would score 100 on that. What would really pull this OC up a notch is something that would set her apart from other foals, who are also cute. Of course, due to her young age, she may have not had enough time to have a quirk. There's no age line, but I think being a year old is old enough to start having quirks. Something like drawing on floors would count as a quirk, but I find it a bit predictable. You should keep shuffling ideas until you have something that says "Itty Bit".

You say she has no/not much history, but I can tell you're just hiding it. Being adopted, it means something happened back then, and whatever it is is super important. I cannot fathom anypony leaving a foal like her, leaving me to believe her parents had no choice. I'm not going to go too far down this road, since I'm sure when the time it right, you'll fill in the gaps in her history.

You're also stating she is an RPing character, meaning she develops as she RPs. I find this to be... a little different for an OC such as her. Developing tends to cause characters to... to age. Eventually, it'll be a tough sell to say she is 1 year old, but has done all these things in RPs. I bring this up because I remember you stating that you intend for her to be forever young, since once she grows up, her name starts becoming unfitting. But don't let that stop you, the purpose of characters are to develop!
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Itty Bit on 2013 Feb 20, 13:17:14
Thank you for the criticism! Though I haven't been as much as an rper as I used to, I still do commonly use Itty Bit in my little tumblr blog. I'll take your words of advice to heart as I continue to play around with her on tumblr~ c:
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Gracie Sky on 2013 Feb 23, 18:39:52
This is a critique for Cosmo Gaze (http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=6503.0) by boboy76.

Just from the name, I would assume this pony just loves to gaze at the cosmos. His parents better be astronomers, or else I would question why they would name their child something so specific.

His story is very quaint, if not overly idealistic. What I mean is he likes Ponyville, but wants to move to Canterlot. He likes watching the stars, but he wants to see them closer. In response to these desires, he gets a telescope and his family moves to Canterlot. It's such a happy, convenient, and drama-free ending, but it gives me the impression that he has not developed as a character at all. Of course, given the choice, I would rather read about a pony like him over an overly tragic OC. Still, I think you have room to give this character... a bit more character.

The soul of character development is what the character learns over his or her life and how that makes him or her a better pony. So far, Cosmo Gaze has learned that Telescopes and Canterlot are awesome, which is true, but doesn't really make for great learning experiences. You need to find a way for him to exert himself, especially when concerning the acquisition of his cutie mark. One does not get a cutie mark for looking through a telescope. One gets a cutie for realizing that his life's passion is watching the stars, but the problem with that is he already knew that he liked watching stars. You need to clearly define that point where he discovers that his special talent is stargazing, as well as giving it a practical application to everyday life. It would be super if you could make him use his special talent in a way that benefits the community around him.

Use the mane 6 for some examples: Twilight Sparkle runs the library, Applejack sells apples, Pinkie Pie sells confections, Fluttershy runs an animal shelter, Rarity runs a fashion boutique, and Rainbow Dash helps maintain Ponyville's weather. All of these professions somehow tie into what the respective pony's special talent is and could not be done by just any pony (as Magical Mystery Cure made apparent). Find something useful for the community that Cosmo Gaze could do with his talent and you'll be on the right track.
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: boboy76 on 2013 Feb 23, 21:20:22
Quote from: Gracie Sky on 2013 Feb 23, 18:39:52
This is a critique for Cosmo Gaze (http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=6503.0) by boboy76.

Just from the name, I would assume this pony just loves to gaze at the cosmos. His parents better be astronomers, or else I would question why they would name their child something so specific.

His story is very quaint, if not overly idealistic. What I mean is he likes Ponyville, but wants to move to Canterlot. He likes watching the stars, but he wants to see them closer. In response to these desires, he gets a telescope and his family moves to Canterlot. It's such a happy, convenient, and drama-free ending, but it gives me the impression that he has not developed as a character at all. Of course, given the choice, I would rather read about a pony like him over an overly tragic OC. Still, I think you have room to give this character... a bit more character.

The soul of character development is what the character learns over his or her life and how that makes him or her a better pony. So far, Cosmo Gaze has learned that Telescopes and Canterlot are awesome, which is true, but doesn't really make for great learning experiences. You need to find a way for him to exert himself, especially when concerning the acquisition of his cutie mark. One does not get a cutie mark for looking through a telescope. One gets a cutie for realizing that his life's passion is watching the stars, but the problem with that is he already knew that he liked watching stars. You need to clearly define that point where he discovers that his special talent is stargazing, as well as giving it a practical application to everyday life. It would be super if you could make him use his special talent in a way that benefits the community around him.

Use the mane 6 for some examples: Twilight Sparkle runs the library, Applejack sells apples, Pinkie Pie sells confections, Fluttershy runs an animal shelter, Rarity runs a fashion boutique, and Rainbow Dash helps maintain Ponyville's weather. All of these professions somehow tie into what the respective pony's special talent is and could not be done by just any pony (as Magical Mystery Cure made apparent). Find something useful for the community that Cosmo Gaze could do with his talent and you'll be on the right track.

ok
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Gracie Sky on 2013 Feb 27, 16:16:52
This is a critique for Soloren (http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=6555.0) by cloudandis.

Wow, this is a pretty long bio. It might be a bit too long, or at least may require being seperated into multiple paragraphs, since you have what is known as a text block.

Oh, you also have her cutie mark story written in its own section as well as in the bio. I don't recommend that, as it becomes redundant. I would suggest you remove her cutie mark aquisition story and just say something simple like "--and then the events of her cutie mark story ensued. After finding her cutie mark--". If anypony realizes they are reading the cutie mark story verbatim, they will just skip it, like I did.

So far, what you do have is very insightful. You describe many aspects of the character's daily life and interaction with her family members. I do enjoy seeing more thought and effort put into OCs. Her talent is very nicely put together and not overly complicated... unlike her husband. I don't even know how a pony can read minds/memories and not abuse such powers. Anyways, Soloren's love and dedication for caring for plants is her strongest aspect. I can also appreciate how she dislikes how other mistreat flowers by using them as decorations, but killing them in the process. Her stance on plant life and the treatment of plants is well established and thought out.

While I praise you on the amount of detail you give, I think in some places, the detail might be a bit overkill. Like when she is caring for the flowers that earn her her cutie mark, you state that she makes sure the flowers recieve a reasonable amount of sunlight and she kept a good supply of rain water. I find a few of these actions to be a given and not really worth stating. I mean, there's a point when common sense would say if she taking care of flowers, she's going to give them sunlight and water. It's not a really big issue, but I felt it was worth brining up. It doesn't require any change if you still believe it necessary to state.

Around the end, things get a little conspicuous, with the breaking in of a robber who stole finacial records and the disappearance of the husband. I'm not going to tread on this ground, since you appear to be deliberately vague, so I'm going to assume you have all the details concerning why a pony would somepony else's finacial records.

Overall, a really well thought out OC. Keep up the good work!
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Gracie Sky on 2013 Mar 05, 20:12:27
This is a critique for Pyro (http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=6577.0) by ComputerDeathglare.

Let me start off by stating you start her life by killing one of her family members... or is he still alive but as some sort of zombie? Regardless, making a foal's first memories of a traumatic nature and using that as a reason why she is antisocial is a bit overplayed. If you want to use this story for her, I recommend putting more detail into it, perhaps explaining exactly what made her brother so important to her that his death would be traumatic to her. You also might want to make it more clear what is going on with her brother, since what you have about him right now is confusing me a bit.

Regardless of her past, it appears as though she still is developing healthily, forming interests and hobbies. Yes, she apparently doesn't have any friends, which is merely a indication of a lack of trust in others she doesn't know. Most ponies who have this trait end up finding out that friends are worth having once she decides to open up. One of the contributing factors for her lack of friends is the fact that she kept moving; you may want to explain why they were always on the move, because that seems a bit too convenient without an explanation.

Now... her cutie mark.. is a flame. She has this because she discovered she likes fire while drawing it during an art session. Furthermore... she somehow discovered that fire doesn't harm her. I would love to know exactly how she came to find this out and why fire doesn't affect her like it would normal ponies. Of course, you don't have to explain it immediately, but understand anypony who finds out that she resists fire like a pro will want to know why and will expect a logical reason. I'm just making sure you have that logical reason in your mind as you continue to develop this character.

You left a lot of room for development for this character, which I like. There are a few details I suggest you fill and you will have an OC that can go far.
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Gracie Sky on 2013 Mar 05, 22:34:36
Eh... there really are no instructions on making a character. If you're trying to post a character, you simply start a new topic. A word document isn't really required. As far as I know, you can only post YouTube videos, in which you will need to click on the YouTube button on the reply interface.
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Gracie Sky on 2013 Mar 12, 19:34:10
This is a critique for Tanzanite (http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=6544.0) by Fluffy Cloud.

This is definitely one of the more out there ponies. She has a good amount of personality, although I find some of the events in her storyline to be a little convenient.

First off, she was inexplicably left at an orphanage by her parents. While the orphan card is often played, it can be justified if she was left there for a good (maybe even original) reason. I really hope you have a good reason in mind why her parents could not care for their own child and would burden somepony else with the task with nothing but a letter. I almost wonder what the letter said, like maybe the letter contained the good reason we're all looking for. But if that were the case, I would expect Tanzanite to be understanding that her parents had a good reason why they had to give her to an orphanage. So, either the letter did not state a reason, or the reason was not a good one.

More on the letter, she discovers it because she was dared to... snoop around in the Staff Room by bullies. I'm not exactly sure what the bullies were hoping to accomplish by daring her to snoop around in a restricted room. All I can think of is they wanted to see her get caught and get into trouble. And I also find it unlikely that she would find the single letter that mentions her during her snooping unless it stood out in some way. Even then, why would somepony store this letter in a fashion that makes it stand out more than whatever else was in the staff room? Ignoring all that, she would have to actually read the letter to realize it was written about her, something I don't see her doing if she is pressured for time and not looking for anything in particular. On the other hoof, these events don't really require explanation. You can leave it as sheer coincidence and that'll work. I just was compelled to approach these events from a logical standpoint.

I do like the fact that she always seems irritated, because that gives her a realistic feel. The reason she is upset, the letter from her parents, I find to be a bit weak on its own. Her history of being bullied is a good reason, but she's out of the orphanage now, so its effects on her personality should have less impact. I recommend something currently putting her in a constant bad mood. You mention high class ponies, but it doesn't carry much weight unless we know why high class ponies upset her.

Aaaand, her special ability... is giving ponies she is angry at bad luck? I'm not exactly sure what kind of talent that is or how it could possibly be put to good use. You might want to reconsider the details of her cutie mark and special talent.
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Midnight_Breeze on 2013 Mar 14, 18:15:45
hi! would you mind checking out my OC?
http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=6834.0 (http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=6834.0)
I generally help people build their OCs so Im pretty confident my own OC will be good.
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: GlassMirror on 2013 Mar 14, 18:36:27
 :o Oh! can you do my original character as well? I know you already looked at mine (even though I added some stuff). ovO
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Cotton Ball on 2013 Apr 19, 20:11:02
May I have a second chance I'm redoing mine but its not done yet Please
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Gracie Sky on 2013 Apr 20, 17:20:40
I went over your revised story.

I still find it to be incoherent. I can't see students being expelled from school for teasing blank flanks. Many of the names you gave her brothers need some improvement. While I think "Baloney Bob" is a funny name (in a good way), it's not a pony name. She discovered her cutie mark scaring crows away from her mother's garden, although all these facts seem to come out of nowhere. The whole thing in general is hard to follow since the flow is erratic.

You still need to spell check it. I would also suggest explaining things such as the history leading up to scaring crows and getting expelled from school. It makes more sense when we know why the crows had to be scared or why Cherrilee would expel Gold Tiara and Copper Spoon for teasing, but wouldn't do it to Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon, who are equally as guilty of teasing. I realize you're in 4th grade and I should give you a little more slack. At the same time, I don't want to be dishonest in my opinion.
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Cotton Ball on 2013 Apr 20, 18:41:28
My writing is getting bad because in school we took a huge writing test and were not doing writing for the rest of the year so I'm a little rusty
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: GlassMirror on 2013 Apr 20, 18:50:19
Quote from: Cotton Ball on 2013 Apr 20, 18:41:28
Not much to expect from a 4th grader :P And can you say that in terms i understand please


Your story is well made. Yes, you are a 4th grader, I was once a 4th grader writing stories like you, and I took the writing test to, and also now in high school, but the writing test counts more. Your a wonderful 4th grader who is trying to make Flash Dash's story unique, I understand, we all do. But in general, her brothers names still need to be revised just a little, and a cutie mark is something you get when that talent is your passion. I don't think scaring crows could really be something she wants to do all her life. Why not say she wanted to keep the crows away from the garden because she really loved the garden, and wanted to garden as well, getting her cutie mark. This is just a suggestion.

The way I see it, expelling Gold Tiara and Copper Spoon is going a little to far, I mean, they are little kids are they? there going to do that.

Overall, keep up the good work. ^-^ Hope I helped. ^-^
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Gracie Sky on 2013 Apr 20, 21:28:31
I guess I should've been more helpful...

The essence of writing a good story is understanding cause and effect. For every action, there is an opposite and equal reaction. Everything your characters do are a result of history and furthermore cause a chain reaction of future deeds.

For example, if your character scared off crows from a garden, most people want to understand the reasoning behind it. If you do not explain why the character is scaring off crows, readers have to invent reasons in their head. I could think to myself "Wow, she's really mean for scaring off birds like that. Why is she getting a cutie mark for that?". Now, if we knew ahead of time that crows were eating the vegetables beforehand and that this was an ongoing problem for her mother, then we could deduce that the reason she was scaring the crows was because she wanted to protect her mother's garden. But, that's not all, I also ask myself why she decided to use a thundercloud of all things to scare the crows with? Was she not able to scare them with more conventional methods, like scarecrows or by flying at them herself with something like a rake? I would find her methods a little unorthodox unless you explained to me earlier that she was a weather pony and was busy moving a cloud when she noticed the crows and made the choice to use the thundercloud because it was convenient for her at the moment.

The best place to start when bringing up even the most trivial of tasks is to ask yourself why, because your readers are going to want to know why. With the right reasons, you can make your reader believe a lot more of your material.

:c I probably made that too complicated to follow...
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: ComputerDeathglare on 2013 Apr 26, 02:21:00
I editted Pyro a bit, so if you'd kindly take another look, I'd be quite happy.

I am going to throw stuff in so it makes more sense, though.


Since I wrote her backstory in first person, which probably wasn't so smart, there are still things she doesn't understand or even want to tell. I did clean it up a bit, mostly making her sound less like a whiny, self-pitying antisocial.

I also added some of her current story, which includes current relationships. She is a roleplay/somewhat ponysona, so her aggressive side does tie into what she and I have done.

Oh, and I added a section for random quirks and other silly things for fun.


I hope I've made her a bit better since initially writing her story out.
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: byndbored on 2013 Apr 27, 02:23:33
I was thinking of changing the story of my character to this: (rough draft)
When Beyond bored was a young colt an evil being tried to corrupt him but was unable to do so because he was afraid of becoming evil too much to be turned so in an act of rage the being separated him from his life he had before and erased the memory of both him and his family so that he would give up, but for some reason he still wouldn't do so even asking the being to leave him alone the being tried to weaken he's mind more in response but somehow beyond bored resisted angering the being so much that she decided to make his life terrible and filled with fear as revenge but he fought back and finally stopped her and is now stuck trying to live with the life he is now stuck with.

(This is based on a series of nightmares I had when I was a little kid)
Let me know your opinion. ^-^
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Gracie Sky on 2013 Apr 27, 15:31:51
Oh, just so you know, I figured I just should address critiques a little more casually, since I've handled the bulk of OCs this forum provides. The content and opinions expressed won't be different, though.

So I took a look at Pyro again. While I don't particularly remember what it used to be, I got the same impression from it that I did last time. Ambiguous. We don't know the circumstance of her brother's death, we don't know the circumstance of him being brought back to life, and I really have a hard time connecting her need to be more mature than normal as the cause to why she is introverted. It seems to be subtely implying that only immature ponies interact with others their age and make friends.

But I see the essence of where you want to take this character, I only question your execution. I realize that the manner in which her brother dies is important and is most likely being saved for later, but the fact that you straightup point out that he died in the very first sentence gives us only a half understanding in which we try to relate to her with. It's like giving us a cherry pie without the cherries. I think you should give us at least a vague description on how he died or just conceal the fact her brother is dead all together until the character herself is ready to make the big reveal.

But... he's not dead, right? He's... I'm assuming he's like in a half coma. You have to bring up the prior "death" or it wouldn't make any sense why he's so withdrawn, right? Not exactly. I see no reason you couldn't just play him at face value and develop him from there as just a pony who is withdrawn without stating why. You would leave it up to his eventual development as to why he ended up that way and, in turn, develop Pryo, since she is already aware of the why and we can suddenly see her in a new light as her introvertedness is justified.

I kind of feel throwing the death at us first thing reduces the potential for development for both characters involved and not bothering to explain it any further than merely stating it happens leaves me unable to resonate with her as well as I'd like.

And... the whole fire bit... I don't know, it's still a stretch. I cannot buy this as it is now. You need to justify this ability with a very convincing reason. I currently have no reason to believe any pony in Equestria in inherently immune to anything deemed hazardous to every other pony. If you absolutely CANNOT tell us yet, then at least tell us that you can't tell us. It's very easy to sell, just say that the character herself is not aware of why she is immune to fire. At least we can be in the dark together until she finds out why she is the way she is. Also, you need to tell us that moment she discovered she was immune to fire. Most ponies don't test out whether harzardous things affect them or not, regardless if they happen to be fond of said hazard. It would be a boon for her development if you spelled out her progression in dealing with fire a little more.

As for the rest of her story... I like how she has an obbsession over wings... the coltfriend lacks any foreshadowing, although I guess that should be expected since you don't bring up anything she did from the time she ran away and the present day... and I can't say I approve of her making death threats. This is the land of love and tolerance, you know.
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: ComputerDeathglare on 2013 Apr 30, 00:56:18
Thank you for your input.

Because she went through a lot as a filly caused her to need to be mentally stronger, but she also felt like she needed to be there for her family, even if the opposite may seem truer. She wasn't interested in friends because she had her family... kind of like Twilight, in a way. I should probably add that.

I've been struggling to come up with a good reason for her tolerance to fire myself, but I know for sure I want her to be a pyro pony. And, d'oh, I now realized I forgot how she learned how she was immune to fire, I'll add that, too.

Her coltfriend is my boyfriend's OC, so they didn't meet in rp, and I can't exactly translate that. At least, not without feeling awkward. And on the death threats, she is a very hotheaded pony with little regard for what happens until it bites her in the flank later, but I can't justify that. It simply happened.
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Gracie Sky on 2013 Apr 30, 20:30:16
This is a response to byndbored:

I think you're over reaching and it's a little dark for ponies, so to speak. You seem intent on having this evil force that wants to make your character evil as well. You need to realize that if you want to do something like this, it requires a large amount of lead up. There are a lot of unknown variables, such as who The Being is and why he wants to make Beyond Bored evil. Is Beyond Bored special? What does it even mean to make somepony "evil"?

Evil is a very touchy subject to just throw around in Equestria. There aren't just evil beings running around causing trouble where they please. All forms of evil have development to degree and some backstory. This villain you introduced will need some backstory, as well as you protagonist, or none of the events you described will be believable.
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: ComputerDeathglare on 2013 May 31, 04:26:27
Hay there.


I'm back with a new OC. Okay, not new, but I really went into her backstory. Keep in mind, she is supposed to be a "Your life sucked. Now smile, walk on, and smile to everyone else." character.

http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=7322.msg611788#msg611788
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Gracie Sky on 2013 Jun 01, 18:18:15
You certainly do like making characters that have troubled childhoods. From what I see, we have a black sheep in a family of Unicorn supremacists, except only the sisters are the actual supremacists. Some way or another, the parents are clueless about the fact that their older daughters are teasing their younger one. Even if they were aware, it doesn't appear they would know how to deal with it. I almost don't know who to blame for the way Minni deteriorates as the story goes on, her sisters for picking on her, or her parents for being so oblivious.

Um, some things you might want to change. One, ponies don't beat each other up. I've never seen this happen ever in 3 seasons, for good reasons too. Two, ponies don't... die. I've never seen this happen ever in 3 seasons (only obscure implications), for good reasons too. Three, dogs don't eat ponies. Even if they did, such dogs would not be living in Canterlot. If it was not your intention to be accurate according to the show, then disregard this.

Regardless, most of the events leading up to the death of the nurse serve to make Minni more and more depressed. Then things start kinda heading south. She gets (conveniently) saved by this unicorn character named Sparks whom... I just don't see the purpose in. You labeled her as Minni's best friend, but you do kind of need to support that label. So far, being Minni's best friend entails startling some dogs and following her everywhere, even down her life of crime. Other than these two facts, it would help establish Minni's attachment to Sparks if you included at least one more way she was her best friend.

About this dark streak of hers, you give no reason why she decided to start stealing things. The fact that she just recently found a best friend would more likely deter her from going down such a dark road. What puzzles me even more is that the friends actually assists her in the crimes, essentially consenting and promoting such behavior. Worst of all, this part of her story doesn't seem to actually impact her life overall. You merely point out that she and her friend stole things at some point, but I do not see the significance of it since she does not develop for either good or bad because of it.

It would greatly enhance her if you went into a lot more detail about the details of her cutie mark. Gaining a cutie mark is a turning point in most all ponies' lives, like a paradigm shift. Was this the first time Minni actually bothered to try her hoof at drawing? I know it's her destiny, but even so, you don't just pick up a pencil and immediately start drawing really well. I would love to know that moment she discovered that drawing was her life. Even after she discovered it, you don't really go into how she integrates this special talent in her everyday life afterwards.

This last problem I found is one of the more crucial ones: she ran away from parents who loved her. I know they had an awkward way of expressing their love, but did they deserve to be deceived by somepony they loved? And was this the only way to get away from them, to trick them? Did she ever consider that she would hurt her parents if they knew, or wonder if they would miss her? Well... she's not a very honest pony, so I suppose this approach wouldn't be out of the realm of possibility. Actually... such a strong reaction from me probably played right into your hand! This appears to be a loose end to eventually be tied up, a wound to eventually mend! Not bad, not bad.

Other than the logical flaws I pointed out earlier, pretty good OC. I'm not fond of the overly tragic types, but she has a lot of room fro growth and I wish her the best of luck.
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: ComputerDeathglare on 2013 Jun 02, 03:50:56
From what I've seen, OC's are have either sad childhoods, good ones, or no backstory. The problem is, is that the first is seen as cliche and maybe even Mary Sue, the second can be seen as overly boring if there are no great spots, which can also be interpreted as Mary Sue, and the final is seen as lazy. I think OC's with slightly darker stories are more interesting, but then again I think my head is too far into the grimdark fics.

I was thinking of bad Babs when I wrote about the bullies. Although she never explicitly beat the CMC up, I do believe she pushed them into mud at some point. I was also thinking a bit more into bullying from my old school, where kids DID get beat up. Also, there in the Perfect Stallion song where they sing "This one's too old!", the stallion is at a funeral. But if you're talking about them falling into deep enough depression to die, I understand. Aand... yeah, I don't really have an excuse for the dogs. Vicious dogs in the worst part of the city?

Sparks and Sketchy were actually just character I drew as a study on MLP anatomy, and eventually decided to give them life. They were drawn together, so I decided they would aid in each others development. I'll make Sparks a page soon, and it'll make Sketchy a bit clearer. I didn't go too much into detail outright because of how much I already wrote. I'm pretty sure there might have been some people intimidated by the size of it.

When she became a teenager, Sketchy also grew her rebellious streak, which was subtle at best when she was a filly. Her parents wanted and expected her to be good. In her already uncertainty of her parent's love, fogged up by teenage angst, she started by snagging small things. Sparks felt guilt for her friend, and followed her hoping she'd see her wrongs. She also covered her up because she would rather die before getting her friend in trouble. when Sketchy finally does see it, she does a one-eighty, becoming what her parents always dreamed.

She does become an artist for a living, I should put more of that in.


Everything will come together in good time. ^-^
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: byndbored on 2013 Jun 03, 09:16:09
The thing about the story of my oc is that I want it to be like what happens when a dark story gets hilariously interrupted by something really silly, I'm just having trouble with the silly part. (I guess I'll have to redo the story all over again :l, oh well :P)
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Gracie Sky on 2013 Jun 03, 19:38:32
If it were me,  I would probably change the general direction of your OC's story. I understand the story is based on a dream, but it stands to be a bit too dark and cynical. If any organization bent on brainwashing ponies are actually out and about asking said ponies to join them, I'm pretty sure Princess Celestia would catch wind of them and put a prompt halt to their operations.

For the most part, you want your OC to have amnesia and have this dark organization after him.

My first piece of advice is to give this group a reason to desire this particular pony above others to the extent that they would pursue him. Also, you need to give his amnesia a reason as well. He doesn't need to be aware of why he can't remember anything, but there needs to be a reason so that he can eventually figure out what happened to him. If you want, you can tie the two together: his amnesia having something to do with why this organization is after him. I recommend this particular path.

Furthermore, for it to make sense, you need to establish backstory; what was happening to your OC before he suffered from amnesia. The part of his memory that got erased could be important enough to this organization that they would go after him, either to silence him or to extract aforementioned information.

Speaking of backstory, you will also need to establish exactly who these Shadow Thunder ponies are and what they are trying to achieve and how other ponies (including Princess Celestia) think about them, if they are even aware they exist.

Once you get these things in line, then we could probably get around to the finer points about his character and projected character development.
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: GoldenTerrabyte on 2013 Jun 04, 22:41:16
Rain is revised and less OP. Try him again. And BTW I hate dark backstories.
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: bauccgia0 on 2013 Jun 05, 09:11:35
I hope I'm not interrupting anything. You can ignore this until you're done with that other guy. I've posted this as a forum by itself. http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=7352.0
Tell me what you think! Thanks, Guys.
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Tiger on 2013 Jun 05, 19:23:19
You could've just given a link to his OC page.

Also, I would suggest adding a backstory to him before asking for a critique. The backstory, or history as some may say, is very important. Some things you can talk about in his backstory are how he got his cutiemark and his earlier childhood.
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: GoldenTerrabyte on 2013 Jun 05, 19:25:57
Quote from: bauccgia0 on 2013 Jun 05, 09:11:35
I hope I'm not interrupting anything. You can ignore this until you're done with that other guy. I've posted this as a forum by itself, but I missed this forum. Tell me what you think!

Laserbolt.
Age: 15
Race: Unicorn
Place of Birth: Manehattan

The Face Behind the Science
(http://i.imgur.com/1doYTNU.png)
(OOC: Yeah, I used pony creator. I ain't so good at the drawing stuff.)
Personality:
Laserbolt isn't a mad genius. He's more of a slightly unhinged egghead. He's the type to "borrow" something, and then make it an integral part of his magical digging machine. He gets mad easily, but cools down just as quickly. He enjoys being around other ponies, but prefers solitude. He does enjoy a good party, though. He can be kind of arrogant, usually after inventing something. He's not big on fighting, and usually stays out of trouble. Unless somepony has something he needs...
Talent:
He is skilled in the art of magic and science, but mostly in the area of trial and error. He is also a skilled teacher.
Occupation:
Teaches Magical Tinkering at the Canterlot University for Adepts.
This is just me talking, but IMO, there's absolutely nothing wrong with using Pony Creator. I encourage its use, as much artwork lacks color. And I like "perfect" pictures made by PC.
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Asterian Starfall on 2013 Jun 09, 21:01:04
May I request a critique on Asterian Starfall? I've completely redone everything from the ground up. Asterian was just too... anyway.

http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=7404.0

- Your friend,
     Asterian Starfall
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: bauccgia0 on 2013 Jun 10, 08:08:14
Well, I haven't even looked through it all just yet, but I have to say, Asterian, you are certainly detailed. When I'm done reading it, I'll give you a full report on what I think.
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Asterian Starfall on 2013 Jun 10, 10:25:36
Quote from: bauccgia0 on 2013 Jun 10, 08:08:14
Well, I haven't even looked through it all just yet, but I have to say, Asterian, you are certainly detailed. When I'm done reading it, I'll give you a full report on what I think.


Thanks for taking a look! All critiques are welcome!
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Quiller on 2013 Jun 21, 18:56:13
A character critique eh? Well, this should be fun! If you get the chance can you take a look at mine? http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=7526.0
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: cloudandis on 2013 Jun 24, 17:24:42
Spoiler: show
Quote from: Gracie Sky on 2013 Feb 27, 16:16:52
This is a critique for Soloren (http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=6555.0) by cloudandis.

Wow, this is a pretty long bio. It might be a bit too long, or at least may require being seperated into multiple paragraphs, since you have what is known as a text block.

Oh, you also have her cutie mark story written in its own section as well as in the bio. I don't recommend that, as it becomes redundant. I would suggest you remove her cutie mark aquisition story and just say something simple like "--and then the events of her cutie mark story ensued. After finding her cutie mark--". If anypony realizes they are reading the cutie mark story verbatim, they will just skip it, like I did.

So far, what you do have is very insightful. You describe many aspects of the character's daily life and interaction with her family members. I do enjoy seeing more thought and effort put into OCs. Her talent is very nicely put together and not overly complicated... unlike her husband. I don't even know how a pony can read minds/memories and not abuse such powers. Anyways, Soloren's love and dedication for caring for plants is her strongest aspect. I can also appreciate how she dislikes how other mistreat flowers by using them as decorations, but killing them in the process. Her stance on plant life and the treatment of plants is well established and thought out.

While I praise you on the amount of detail you give, I think in some places, the detail might be a bit overkill. Like when she is caring for the flowers that earn her her cutie mark, you state that she makes sure the flowers recieve a reasonable amount of sunlight and she kept a good supply of rain water. I find a few of these actions to be a given and not really worth stating. I mean, there's a point when common sense would say if she taking care of flowers, she's going to give them sunlight and water. It's not a really big issue, but I felt it was worth brining up. It doesn't require any change if you still believe it necessary to state.

Around the end, things get a little conspicuous, with the breaking in of a robber who stole finacial records and the disappearance of the husband. I'm not going to tread on this ground, since you appear to be deliberately vague, so I'm going to assume you have all the details concerning why a pony would somepony else's finacial records.

Overall, a really well thought out OC. Keep up the good work!


I'm rather sorry for the late reply, as I've been rather ill. xD I got some injections a while ago to try and fix it. Although, the effects are slower than they should be.

Anyways, thank you very much for your critique! Yes, I was rather iffy about what I should do with the cutie mark story. I knew where it went in the chronological events, seeing as it's part of her history, but at the time I didn't think about maybe putting that in a spoiler rather than simply reposting it in another. SO I can see why you would skip it.

I was also rather tired or at the time, uncreative when it tried to put in the detail about how she cared for the plant. You're right, it's common sense that she would water it and give it sunlight. Anything else for normal plant care wouldn't have added to it either. I did have a bit of info about how the plant would lose health and what not due to droughts or other things, but when I finally got to that part, I completely forgot about it. So I just went with the less creative latter.

As for the father's rather short and vague part in her history, I didn't want to give too many details away about his powers or his disappearance since I had that planned out for when the reader got to read his biography- one I hadn't made before I left for a while. Although, I probably should have added more to him than "They fell in love and he vanished after a few years with her".

The robber came in for certain financial records and other documents pertaining to the patients- as they were a patient. Suffering from amnesia, they had regained a part of their memory regarding Soloren's husband. But I'll save that for his biography.
c: thanks for the review!
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Asterian Starfall on 2013 Jun 25, 09:32:12
May I volunteer my services for character critiques?  X3
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Gracie Sky on 2013 Jun 25, 20:33:26
On the first post.

Quote from: Gracie SkyThis topic is not just limited to me evaluating OCs. If you would like to comment on a particular OC that interests you, by all means feel free to. I'm sure your opinions are also valued by the authors. I would ask that you keep comments somewhat on the positive side, or at least with a positive ring to it. We want to be encouraging and easy to approach, since many newer authors might be a little shy with showing their works off.


It is very helpful to me to have a second opinion. As experienced as I am with critiquing characters, I do have limited perspectives and personal biases, all which can occasionally make me unfair in the way I judge another's work. Of course I do try to be as impartial as possible.
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: bauccgia0 on 2013 Jul 05, 09:32:35
I've added some stuff to my OC's page. I hope no one minds me putting up the link again. Please check it out, and tell me what you think.
http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=7352.0
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Gracie Sky on 2013 Jul 05, 19:01:16
 :I Um... what changed since the last time? Did you want me to comment on the Cherrybuck Season article?
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Tomiix on 2013 Jul 07, 22:06:41
Hello!

I recently discovered this forum and made a quick little page for my OC that I would like you to criticques for fun.

http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=7874.0
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Alassë on 2013 Jul 07, 22:35:10
Oh what they hay? Let's see what you've got to say about my OC. :P

http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=7962.0 (She doesn't have much of a backstory yet, but I'm working on it.) X3
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Gracie Sky on 2013 Jul 08, 20:38:07
I will be critiquing Starlight Champion for now.

Your topic is  75% pictures and 25% text, although I must admit the pictures do a really good job at telling me what kind of pony he is.

There is honestly very little to say about him, except he has amnesia. I would generally look down on it, considering how old he is, but I can tell it's part of your story for him. Still, when one is 17 and has a memory wipe, it brings up why nopony else ever recognizes him. It's like he lived under a rock for 17 years or never made any friends who would miss him and go looking for him. It makes me wonder what exactly his past hides, and I get the feeling it's not something he would be proud of, as it normally is with this sort of situation.

Yep, he's a guard who has trouble fitting in socially, which is rather vague, honestly. I really don't think a lack of memory of one's childhood makes one socially inept. I would sooner believe he is just naturally bad at fitting in with Canterlot society.

I would also avoid specifically bringing up his love life. Such subjects are rarely brought up in Equestria, normally when they are talking about "love" in particular, such as on Hearts and Hooves Day. The main reason being most ponies aren't actively looking for a significant other. Only one of the mane 6 ever showed an interest in a stallion, which ended up being a flop. I honestly don't believe finding a special somepony is very high on a pony's priority list.

And he looks exactly like Shining Armor, except with wings instead of a horn. I already said that, though.  ovO
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Tomiix on 2013 Jul 08, 21:30:07
Quote from: Gracie Sky on 2013 Jul 08, 20:38:07
I will be critiquing Starlight Champion for now.

Your topic is  75% pictures and 25% text, although I must admit the pictures do a really good job at telling me what kind of pony he is.

There is honestly very little to say about him, except he has amnesia. I would generally look down on it, considering how old he is, but I can tell it's part of your story for him. Still, when one is 17 and has a memory wipe, it brings up why nopony else ever recognizes him. It's like he lived under a rock for 17 years or never made any friends who would miss him and go looking for him. It makes me wonder what exactly his past hides, and I get the feeling it's not something he would be proud of, as it normally is with this sort of situation.

Yep, he's a guard who has trouble fitting in socially, which is rather vague, honestly. I really don't think a lack of memory of one's childhood makes one socially inept. I would sooner believe he is just naturally bad at fitting in with Canterlot society.

I would also avoid specifically bringing up his love life. Such subjects are rarely brought up in Equestria, normally when they are talking about "love" in particular, such as on Hearts and Hooves Day. The main reason being most ponies aren't actively looking for a significant other. Only one of the mane 6 ever showed an interest in a stallion, which ended up being a flop. I honestly don't believe finding a special somepony is very high on a pony's priority list.

And he looks exactly like Shining Armor, except with wings instead of a horn. I already said that, though.  ovO


Yeah, I kinda did it spur of the moment. He is meant to be a progression character, to find out what his past is and why nobody recognizes him.

Also, one without any memory of there childhood looses what they learned during that time. So him not remembering social skills gained as a child would be at a disadvantage.
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Midnight_Breeze on 2013 Jul 08, 22:25:22
hi grace! I know its not my original oc, but care o take a look at this one? not much to her yet though Im afraid...


http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=8071.0
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Ronineter on 2013 Jul 09, 16:43:44
I would like to hear some critic on my OC so far, Currently i am still building his profile and correcting some stuff.

http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=8157.0

Edit:I think critic of my OC would be a bit useless now, all my harddrives killed AT once. Got alot of work to do to get my pc working again.
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: bauccgia0 on 2013 Jul 10, 13:00:57
Quote from: Gracie Sky on 2013 Jul 05, 19:01:16
:I Um... what changed since the last time? Did you want me to comment on the Cherrybuck Season article?


I added some other stuff, I can't remember if it's minor or not, but I know I added some back story. And yes, that would help.
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Gracie Sky on 2013 Jul 10, 19:25:48
I will be addressing three requests at once, since I can't really critique these types of requests.

@ssumppg
There's really nothing for me to critique, unless you want me to tell you that I like her personality. You might want to tell us a bit about her history, especially considering how old she is. I'm assuming it has something to due with her ability with time travel, perhaps? I'd love to hear more about this "time" aspect in her name.

@Midnight_Breeze
Um... you might want to proofread it a tiny bit. And... I'm not too sure about the first person narrative style you're using. It does have it's charm, although I guess it just doesn't feel professional for my tastes. However, the idea of a ghost pony who is playful is a really good idea.

@Ronineter
So far, I know he's a optimistic engineer and that's it. I cannot judge a OC based on only that. Tell me things like how he became an engineer or how good he is at it or what his life was like growing up or maybe even influencial ponies he has met. Something that is or was important in his life and caused him to develop. That's what readers like reading about.
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Alassë on 2013 Jul 11, 00:08:40
Quote from: Gracie Sky on 2013 Jul 10, 19:25:48
@ssumppg
There's really nothing for me to critique, unless you want me to tell you that I like her personality. You might want to tell us a bit about her history, especially considering how old she is. I'm assuming it has something to due with her ability with time travel, perhaps? I'd love to hear more about this "time" aspect in her name.
Alrighty, I'll get her back-story tidied up and posted. :)
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Kittilot on 2013 Jul 11, 16:24:38
Could you do Bubblegum Blitz? She has a short bio, so it shouldn't be too hard.

http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=8281.msg643065#msg643065
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Shadechaser on 2013 Jul 11, 16:51:01
This is my character. Any thing don't like or want to know just say.
http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=8276.0
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Bane Emural on 2013 Jul 11, 21:37:34
Can you do mine? This is the first time I have made a bio of my OC.

http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=8177.0
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Ebony Inkwell on 2013 Jul 12, 12:46:00
I'd love it if you could critique mine! :)

http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=8306.msg644146#msg644146

He's not meant to be anything special - just an average 'lil pony.
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: PrincessMorningStar on 2013 Jul 12, 21:33:02
well I have added more onto it, hopefully its a bit better. Might be a little corny though, I was up at like 12 am writing and editing, so lets see what you other ponies think.

http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=8287.msg643244#msg643244
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Alassë on 2013 Jul 13, 02:54:39
Quote from: ssumppg on 2013 Jul 11, 00:08:40
Quote from: Gracie Sky on 2013 Jul 10, 19:25:48
@ssumppg
There's really nothing for me to critique, unless you want me to tell you that I like her personality. You might want to tell us a bit about her history, especially considering how old she is. I'm assuming it has something to due with her ability with time travel, perhaps? I'd love to hear more about this "time" aspect in her name.
Alrighty, I'll get her back-story tidied up and posted. :)
Back-story added! :D http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=7962.0    Certain parts of her history are meant to coencide with events in the Doctor Who universe, fyi. :nod:
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: GoldenTerrabyte on 2013 Jul 13, 10:43:37
I updated them a little. Can you give me a critique for basically all of them at once. Eventually I'll put together a more solid list of likes and dislikes for each of them.
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Gracie Sky on 2013 Jul 13, 17:31:47
Gah, this is more requests than I was anticipating! I should've seen this coming with the pre-alpha testing and all.

Okay, I'll be speeding up from casual to not-as-casual-as-casual.

Since most all the requests have provided links, I will give my opinions on those topics, rather than trying to address them all at once here in the same post. The following users I have acknowledged and will critique shortly:

bauccgia0
Kittilot
Shadechaser
Bane Emural
Ebony Inkwell
PrincessMorningStar
ssumppg
Yellowpikmin476

Quite the list, isn't it?
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Shadow Mare on 2013 Jul 14, 01:00:45
Don't know why I bother but just so curious, want to critique my ocs?
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Shadechaser on 2013 Jul 15, 21:32:13
Could you critique my new OC? Raincrystal
link is in sig.
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: 0jackie0 on 2013 Jul 19, 18:32:52
I know you'll be busy and probably won't be able to get around to it quickly enough, but I'd like to add my name to the list, if that's not a problem.
http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=8458.0

I have four, with a fifth one halfway completed, which I'll post later. There's quite a bit of reading, so if you only pick one, or even none, I'll understand. xDD
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Gracie Sky on 2013 Jul 20, 19:06:50
Jackie, I would like to critic your OCs, but I did request that any links stay within the forums. Not that I'm afraid of following foreign links... well... actually... maybe I am. >.<

I'd feel much better if you would just copy and paste it somewhere for me.
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: GoldenTerrabyte on 2013 Jul 20, 22:47:43
You should be! DeviantArt can be dangerous!
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: 0jackie0 on 2013 Jul 20, 22:59:54
Quote from: Gracie Sky on 2013 Jul 20, 19:06:50


Sorry about that, I had to be that jerk that didn't follow the rules. ^_^; I'm on my phone right now, so I'll jump on my laptop in a bit and type it up. Please don't hate me. > o <


Post Merge

Quote from: Gracie Sky on 2013 Jul 20, 19:06:50


There, I fixed it. Once again, sorry about that. Dx
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: tiny.parcel on 2013 Jul 28, 11:26:23
Hello again, Gracie~

I have another character that I would love to hear your opinion on. (http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=8591.0)

He also needs a name, and considering how you handled Razz Fangle, I think you're just the mare for the job. <3
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: byndbored on 2013 Jul 29, 23:13:30
I want to remake my ocs story again but in order to do so I think I may have to make a world with it's own characters and it own mythos and so on and so forth, should I do it? I have some ideas I could try if so.
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Bane Emural on 2013 Aug 02, 16:33:28
I remade my OC's background.
http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=8177.0

And I am trying to make it a bit secretive about his past.
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Gracie Sky on 2013 Aug 03, 17:44:39
@byndbored
That may be the best road, if you want to use your characters as you have them now. Of course, it's a lot of hard work to develop an entirely new world and do it well. It might just be easier to change your characters to be more Equestrian like. It's your choice, however.

@Bane Emural
Uh... I don't see what you changed, honest. Sorry.
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: TheCreeper3 on 2013 Aug 03, 18:27:00
Sorry to bother but, you remember my character right, Bad Harmony?
Anyway, you were right, I didn't make much of a story for him and I decided to go by that and create more detail.
I was hoping that if you weren't busy, you could take a look at my OC Harmony/Bad Harmony once more.
The link to the page can be found here-

http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=7546.0
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Nimbus on 2013 Aug 04, 02:22:56
Hello, I was just wondering- is this topic still active? I recently re-penned my OC's story, and I was wondering if I could get an evaluation on him. I have a description on the site, but it's not very in-depth. If it's alright with you, may I submit Nimbus's traits and backstory for eval?

Edit: I'll just go ahead and post the link. It's the description for his deviantart image: http://flyboynd.deviantart.com/art/Nimbus-379992538?ga_submit_new=10%253A1375599561&ga_type=edit&ga_changes=1

Edit II: just looked back and realized that deviantart's not a good source. I'll link to a spot on the forums. http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=8661.msg665916#msg665916
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Gracie Sky on 2013 Aug 05, 21:07:21
@TheCreeper3
Uh... I apologize. I cannot impartially critique your characters because they... for lack of a better term, they creep me out. I read about Harmony/Bad Harmony having two spines and watching lights and darks shoot out of their eyes and something about going insane and I tried diligently to read on. I sorta quit once I got to The Creeper. I even glanced at the other two, but they all have so many dark undertones. Of course, you just wanted me to evaluate Harmony/Bad Harmony, right?

On a scale of 1 to 10, I would rate him "Very Creepy"! >.<
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: byndbored on 2013 Aug 05, 22:30:55
When it comes to my oc for some reason I like the idea of him never finding out where he came from, I'm just not sure how to do that, so do you have any ideas?
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: TheCreeper3 on 2013 Aug 05, 23:20:33
Thanks!!! Just so you know, my user name TheCreeper3, thats not just there to be there. The Creeper is my nickname, everyone who has met me knows me by that, my mother even bought me a dog tag that had my name on one side and "Creeper" on the other. There is a reason that they gave me that name ovO
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Link on 2013 Aug 06, 09:04:37
so, TheCreeper3, I've looked for myself over your OC page, and while I will readily agree it's a slightly disturbing story, there are a few things you may want to consider.

First of all, there is a very high chance that you will not be allowed to use any of your current OC's in a RP. The reasoning for this is simple; they're all incredibly powerful. Interdimensional travel, powers equal to that of an Alicorn (and one of them actually being one). The only one that you might get away with using is The Creeper. And even then, I can see already it would mean nothing but terrorizing other ponies. 

However, if you're fine with not using them in a RP, that's fine; they're all interesting and somewhat original concepts, the only theme I see with your OC's that I've seen with many others is an involvement with The Doctor.

As for your last OC, I assume that's a work in progress? The backstory was a little short. Nevertheless, that could go somewhere.

Hope this helped, sorta. I'm not much of a critic.  >.<

EDIT: Also, apologies for hijacking the thread, Gracie.
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: GoldenTerrabyte on 2013 Aug 06, 10:46:09
Quote from: Link on 2013 Aug 06, 09:04:37
so, TheCreeper3, I've looked for myself over your OC page, and while I will readily agree it's a slightly disturbing story, there are a few things you may want to consider.

First of all, there is a very high chance that you will not be allowed to use any of your current OC's in a RP. The reasoning for this is simple; they're all incredibly powerful. Interdimensional travel, powers equal to that of an Alicorn (and one of them actually being one). The only one that you might get away with using is The Creeper. And even then, I can see already it would mean nothing but terrorizing other ponies. 

However, if you're fine with not using them in a RP, that's fine; they're all interesting and somewhat original concepts, the only theme I see with your OC's that I've seen with many others is an involvement with The Doctor.

As for your last OC, I assume that's a work in progress? The backstory was a little short. Nevertheless, that could go somewhere.

Hope this helped, sorta. I'm not much of a critic.  >.<

EDIT: Also, apologies for hijacking the thread, Gracie.
If you remember back to the first post, she said anyone can critique in this thread, not just her.
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: TheCreeper3 on 2013 Aug 06, 14:11:04
Quote from: Link on 2013 Aug 06, 09:04:37
so, TheCreeper3, I've looked for myself over your OC page, and while I will readily agree it's a slightly disturbing story, there are a few things you may want to consider.

First of all, there is a very high chance that you will not be allowed to use any of your current OC's in a RP. The reasoning for this is simple; they're all incredibly powerful. Interdimensional travel, powers equal to that of an Alicorn (and one of them actually being one). The only one that you might get away with using is The Creeper. And even then, I can see already it would mean nothing but terrorizing other ponies. 

However, if you're fine with not using them in a RP, that's fine; they're all interesting and somewhat original concepts, the only theme I see with your OC's that I've seen with many others is an involvement with The Doctor.

As for your last OC, I assume that's a work in progress? The backstory was a little short. Nevertheless, that could go somewhere.

Hope this helped, sorta. I'm not much of a critic.  >.<

EDIT: Also, apologies for hijacking the thread, Gracie.
Thank you for taking the time to look over my characters, but I would like to explain something if you wouldnt mind.
First off, yes, they are high powered. The Alicorn though "Gentlecolt Death" He is not a regular RP, I only use him in my abandoned hospital thread where he manipulates the building to make escaping harder for the ponies in it. Then Harmony/Bad Harmony, yes he "could" travel to different dimensions but he is unaware of his ability to do so, falling into this dimension was an accident. He can only open a portal to the void, which I have not done yet since he is rather cautious about tearing holes in time and space, the only thing he can do is tear open another portal that would still be in this dimension, he would just be in a different area. Also I never specified that he had met the doctor, merely that he met a pony with a similar cutie mark, it could have been a different time-lord entirely.
Thank you again for looking over my OC's and I hope you have a wonderful day
P.s. I had a much larger story for my last OC, but the moderators deleted a most of it X3
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: The Wandering Magus on 2013 Aug 07, 16:30:00
Quote from: TheCreeper3 on 2013 Aug 06, 14:11:04
P.s. I had a much larger story for my last OC, but the moderators deleted a most of it X3
on this note, I don't know the context in which it was deleted, but this brings up a good point:

always be sure, all of you, to read through ALL the Forum Rules before posting a character backstory.  All the rules apple EVERYWHERE on the forums, not just in RP or in normal conversation.  This includes OC descriptions and backstories as well.  "No violence" means "no violence", 'no weapons" means "no weapons".  If you ever think that you have a good excuse to make an exception, ask a moderator FIRST.

no offense meant, TheCreeper3.  Just using this opportunity to reemphasize that.
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: TheCreeper3 on 2013 Aug 07, 21:01:56
I understand Wandering, but I made that when I first signed up for the forums, I was unaware of the rules at the time, which indeed was my own fault
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Nimbus on 2013 Aug 08, 11:33:27
I finally have a real link up and running, if you'd like to review my OC.

http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=8718.0
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Gracie Sky on 2013 Aug 08, 17:29:44
@Nimbus
I've already reviewed this OC and taking a look at the small changes you made on the new topic, my opinion still stands. I'll put it here for your perusal.

QuoteYou carry Nimbus fairly well, but I find him to be a bit wishy-washy. What I mean by that is he does a 180 change in personality because of a single event. First off, I wasn't particularly fond of a pony who succeeded in what he tried without any sort of prior effort in the subject. I'm not sure "naturally smart" can validate scoring 48/50 on an entrance exam (which you indicate is an unprecedented score) without even having to study in school.

Concerning his turnabout, you say he failed a Dizzitron exam three times in a row, which was reason enough for him to get kicked out of the academy. There's a few things wrong with this, if it's the same Dizzitron in the show. One, I doubt being able to pass one specific test merits being disqualified from the academy. Second, you don't make a clear enough connection that the reason Nimbus couldn't pass it being because he didn't study... which doesn't really make sense considering this is a physical activity. Thirdly, it seems a bit rushed to have him immediately abandon his old arrogance and become the epitome of humility. I honestly doubt such a transformation is even possible and even if it were, it sort of takes away from his character by replacing it with a completely different character archetype.

As for his talent, you seem to have it well thought out. As with most all OCs with cutie marks, I would like to know about that moment he earned his cutie mark, since that's a turning point in his life. Of course, if there is reason you can't talk about it, that's fine too.
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Nimbus on 2013 Aug 08, 19:00:18
Ah, I see. I apologize for not being clear on the details. Most of your points are cleared up in my story, and I didn't really have a place to put them in my description. At any rate, here are some things I meant to point out.

A few things are different about Nimbus's timeline, including the Dizzitron. In this case, it's a test of flying technique, which would involve considerable study beforehand to actually complete the maneuver "by the book." This could be compared to completing a flight maneuver (I'm currently in a flight school). In my school, we have a "standardization manual" which must be read before attempting a maneuver. Failure to perform any aspect of the maneuver as stated in the book, and the maneuver becomes unsatisfactory. In this case, the Wonderbolts are a very elite performance team, and failing three tests because a student couldn't be bothered to pull out his STAN manual once and look through it is a big red flag. Spitfire explains later that others have failed Dizzitrons and stayed in, but it's the fact that, by all intents and purposes, Nimbus should have passed his test that he's being removed. Wonderbolt's can't afford to be lazy or complacent, and Nimbus proved himself to be both. In short, there's almost no physical aspect to the Dizzitron at all. Any pony able to maneuver has a fighting chance, regardless of wing strength. Think of Nimbus's failure more as a student pilot who, time after time, is unable to recover from a stall. Recovery is simple, yet without a working knowledge of what a stall is and how to recover from one, it can be tricky.

Next, the entrance exam Nimbus took was a flying aptitude test, meaning he was graded in person by an instructor evaluating his flying ability. There was no written test. As such, this would be unrelated to his school performance.

Finally, there's the matter of his personality turnaround. I'd have thought such a complete reversal wouldn't be possible if I hadn't experienced it myself. Nimbus's disenrollment was based on my own, from the Air Force Academy, and largely for the same reason. I know firsthand that having a dream like that completely collapse really forces one to take a look at him/herself. I'm a completely different person now than I was a year ago. The thing about Nimbus is that he was actually quite modest before he applied for the Academy. Being accepted was what changed him.

I'm currently working on his Cutie Mark origin story, and I'll update my character post with that when I have it finalized. Again, please don't take any of this as me being upset. You did an excellent critique.

Edit: I also took several of your observations into account and redid Nimbus's backstory. Since I haven't fully established his past in my story, I used this as an opportunity to get a concrete backstory I can build on later on down the road. The link I posted before has a more clearly-written backstory.
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Gracie Sky on 2013 Aug 09, 20:30:33
Concerning the Entrance Exam: The issue has been cleared up. If there is no written test, then no studying is needed. I might have to have a word with Spitfire to add a written test, though.

Concerning the Dizzitron: The issue has been cleared up. If he was removed his own negligence derived from his lack of studying, I can accept Spitfire kicking him out.

Concerning the turnabout: I believe the turnabout is possible, but it should be a gradual process. He probably has no experience being humble, so I think he would need to work at it. In fact, having him struggle to discover how to be a better pony is the crux of character development. I recommend exploring this as much as you can.
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Nimbus on 2013 Aug 09, 23:15:44
Thanks again for reviewing Nimbus! I'll definitely work on the turnabout, and I agree that it's definitely an area for some character development. At this point, Nimbus is trying to get back to the pony he was, instead of the pony being accepted made him be. I can't thank you enough for this. It's the first time anyone's actually evaluated him.
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Bane Emural on 2013 Aug 10, 14:45:04
Here is another OC I made during an rp I did.
http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=8739.0

and I did do a few changes for Bane, but they are hardly for one to notice. Bane Emural is a pony of secrets.
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Ramisha on 2013 Aug 15, 07:10:16
Ummm...could you please just tell me if my pony is suffering from Mary-Sueness? Please be honest,I wouldn't like an OC that is perfect  o_o ...here added a little tiny bit more info  :nod: (http://s10.postimg.org/e56d86ikn/q3gsss.png)

ps. I'll try to make it look more like Shinerai's reference sheets (you probably don't know who that is so here: http://shinerai.deviantart.com/gallery/40874652 )
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Tiger on 2013 Aug 15, 08:03:39
Quote from: Ramisha on 2013 Aug 15, 07:10:16
Ummm...could you please just tell me if my pony is suffering from Mary-Sueness? Please be honest,I wouldn't like an OC that is perfect  o_o ...Oh,may I also add that she is naive and impatient,I just forgot to add it until now but that will be fixed.  :nod: (http://s15.postimg.org/8tt0vyf3t/q3gsss.png)

Fixed the img  :nod:
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Gracie Sky on 2013 Aug 15, 17:35:43
@Ramisha
If you are talking about the OC Whispers in your topic, then I don't see a strong indication of Sueness. However, there is very little for me to go off of. The only issue I had with Whisper's past is that you indicated that he refuses to battle because he watched his brother injure his wing in a fight... or was it the brother who refused to battle since then? Regardless, ponies don't "battle" in Equestria; they talk their differences out, for better or for worse. I am generally unaccommodating to the concept that ponies would actually physically harm each other, except for the occasional visual gag (Rainbow Dash getting sat on by Pinkamena and Fluttershy tossing a tourist into a clock tower for example). If show accuracy is one of your goals, I would recommend rethinking that line or offering some serious explanations as to how that situation came into being.
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Bane Emural on 2013 Aug 15, 21:56:10
I remade the history a little bit more, added the history behind his cutie mark, his wife Aqua, and a few other details. Also explained a few things about Storm and the era he lived in a post after yours.

http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=8739.msg669788#msg669788
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Ramisha on 2013 Aug 16, 04:20:44
Oh, thanks so much! I wasn't really sure about his personality but I decided that he would hate to fight (as in the game you have to battle wolves I believe?or not?) but I wasn't sure why would he hate it so I randomly wrote something. Thanks a lot!
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Ramisha on 2013 Aug 18, 15:59:30
Uuuuummmmmmm...This might not be nice of me,as you've already helped me with my pony Whispers, but could you evaluate my other ponies? http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=8753.msg670843#msg670843 And maybe suggeest a name for the first pony....I was thinking Hamerhead,or Aegis,or something with dragons or earth or Tomb Raider(as I was named after Lara Croft)...I'm not good with names that represent myself,but I'm good with naming others.  <3
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Gracie Sky on 2013 Aug 20, 00:01:13
@Bane Emural
Most of the things you explain would be acceptable in context that the world you speak of isn't the Equestria that is featured on the show. Of course, that pretty much falls into the category of "fanfiction".

@Ramisha
There is nothing to evaluate. You only have pictures of your OCs... and only one of them works for me. I really don't want to attempt to give my opinion with such limited knowledge.
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Ramisha on 2013 Aug 20, 03:43:34
sorry then :( for me the pictures have text and they both work,I'll try to fix them but I don't know why aren't they working.Or even better,I should leave the photo and just copy the text.Anyways,thanks for taking your time and telling me that they don't work  ^-^
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Bane Emural on 2013 Aug 21, 15:17:39
Thanks, and it does sound like it is of fanfiction now that I look at it. The world is of an era before the time of Equestria. Thanks for the review.  ^-^
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Ramisha on 2013 Sep 13, 04:46:46
Uh, umm, sorry to bother you, but what do you think-which name is better for a pony:
Raidwood - I like this one because it's a pun on redwood which references my pony's colors and also contains raid- a reference to Tomb Raider as I was named after Lara Croft. Oops I've told you my name now  :P
or
Dusty Claw - I also like this one because it's more pony-like and it references my pony's dusty colors, and archaeology-I always wanted to become one (or a secret agent/spy...but seriously this one is more... normal) and Lara Croft is one too.....
Please help,I love both of these names!  :I
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Tiger on 2013 Sep 13, 05:09:27
Quote from: Ramisha on 2013 Sep 13, 04:46:46
Uh, umm, sorry to bother you, but what do you think-which name is better for a pony:
Raidwood - I like this one because it's a pun on redwood which references my pony's colors and also contains raid- a reference to Tomb Raider as I was named after Lara Croft. Oops I've told you my name now  :P
or
Dusty Claw - I also like this one because it's more pony-like and it references my pony's dusty colors, and archaeology-I always wanted to become one (or a secret agent/spy...but seriously this one is more... normal) and Lara Croft is one too.....
Please help,I love both of these names!  :I

Talking in pony sense, a half of these two names are fine as they're purely based off appearance. But we're not sure if there's really a "Lara Croft" in the world of Equestria.
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Ramisha on 2013 Sep 13, 06:29:59
True but still...I wanted something to resemble Lara Croft.
Maybe Daring Do is the Tomb Raider?
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Gracie Sky on 2013 Sep 13, 14:43:36
I would avoid using the word "raid" in a pony's name, due to the... more violent implications. I would also avoid using the word "claw", unless this pony has claws... which would be odd for a pony, to say the least.

I might push more for "Runewood" or "Dusty Diamonds". If you need more suggestions, let me know.

Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Ramisha on 2013 Sep 13, 15:10:39
Wow thanks,Runewood sounds really cool  :o I'm not good with names... but I also think that raid can be used in different ways, e.g. I raided my fridge today. But you are right,it's mostly used in violent ways....
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: pkgod101 on 2013 Sep 13, 18:03:22
Can you Critique my OC please. http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=9009.0
I just finished its BIO and would definitely appreciate some feedback.
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: GoldenTerrabyte on 2013 Sep 13, 19:07:21
My OCs have changed much since their last critique. Please critique them! Link in sig.
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: SuperNovaNightmare on 2013 Sep 13, 19:30:11
Hello! I was wondering if you would please critique my two characters, Super Nova, and Froth Spiral. Thanks, and don't hold back. :D

Link: http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=9022.0

Thanks for reading, Bubai :3
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Ramisha on 2013 Sep 14, 04:16:49
Ok, I thought about my pony's name before I fell asleep.
I wanted something with "dusty" in it because my pony's colors aren't really bright as you can see from my avatar.
So I was thinking: Dusty Aegis-too long, Dusty Rune-rune is a bit overused...
Dustyshield! That is pretty cool.
My name also means "protection" in latin,I've been researching a bit.
But I also like Dusty Claw or Dusty Talon because...umm,uh they sound cool but as you said it's not really fitting for a pony.
Or maybe Dusty Hills? Dustytail? Dusty Wind!
Ugh I'm not good with names.

ps: so much dust
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Chitin on 2013 Sep 14, 15:28:35
Hello, I was wonder if you could possibly critique my character(s), Chitin, and his alternate form, Weaver (http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=8964.0). I'll accept any criticism you have about them, so feel free to tell me everything you come up with.
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Gracie Sky on 2013 Sep 15, 00:52:31
@Yellowpikmin476
Most all your characters have a habitual shortness about them. It really makes it difficult for me to find something to comment on that would be meaningful, since I'm rarely one for small talk. I could comment on them as a group or on purely a conceptual level, but such evaluations would be brief. If you need help figuring out how to expound on your descriptions, imagine I'm asking any particular OC's friends or family members to tell me about them and imagine what those friends or family members would tell me about them and summarize all that. Even if some ponies aren't fond of the OC in question, that would definitely add a dimension of complexity to the OC if we piece together exactly why the OC is not on good standing with the interviewee. Cutie mark stories are also a plus.

@Ramisha
If you're having trouble finding a suitable second name for a first name you believe to be perfect, try looking somewhere else for your answer. It's clear you want him to be into artifacts and adventuring, but try going back to his roots (his parents). Were they also adventurers or archaeologists? Maybe their role can play a part in what they named their child. Also, perhaps a second word might not be required if you can enhance the first name to the point where it can stand alone. Give it some more thought. If you need suggestions from me, don't hesitate to ask (although it would be fantastic if you could claim you were the inventor of your OC's name).
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Ramisha on 2013 Sep 15, 04:38:20
Thanks,I was thinking about the pony's parents and I couldn't find anything,but then I found the perfect name: Mountain Dust.
Well,you see,this pony is based on me, and when I was born I was dead for about 5 minutes but then I (obviously) came back to life. I know it sounds silly but it's true-my heart stopped for those 5 minutes.
Then I found the name Mountain Dust and thought about how would if fit me and this came to my mind:
Everything goes on-mountains rise,mountains crumble. Only dust remains. Just like I crumbled from life and rose back,and now I'm only the dust with the spirit of the mountain.............
oh my gosh that sounds so cheesy. And a bit dark.
Oh well.
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: GoldenTerrabyte on 2013 Sep 15, 19:40:26
Quote from: Gracie Sky on 2013 Sep 15, 00:52:31
@Yellowpikmin476
Most all your characters have a habitual shortness about them. It really makes it difficult for me to find something to comment on that would be meaningful, since I'm rarely one for small talk. I could comment on them as a group or on purely a conceptual level, but such evaluations would be brief. If you need help figuring out how to expound on your descriptions, imagine I'm asking any particular OC's friends or family members to tell me about them and imagine what those friends or family members would tell me about them and summarize all that. Even if some ponies aren't fond of the OC in question, that would definitely add a dimension of complexity to the OC if we piece together exactly why the OC is not on good standing with the interviewee. Cutie mark stories are also a plus.

@Ramisha
If you're having trouble finding a suitable second name for a first name you believe to be perfect, try looking somewhere else for your answer. It's clear you want him to be into artifacts and adventuring, but try going back to his roots (his parents). Were they also adventurers or archaeologists? Maybe their role can play a part in what they named their child. Also, perhaps a second word might not be required if you can enhance the first name to the point where it can stand alone. Give it some more thought. If you need suggestions from me, don't hesitate to ask (although it would be fantastic if you could claim you were the inventor of your OC's name).
That piece of advise I'm definitely taking. Cutie mark stories. I don't know exactly how I'd solve the other problems, but I can definitely think about cutie mark stories. Also, my main question is this: How have thay been improved/made worse since your last look at them?
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: HaponyHanzo on 2013 Sep 16, 05:24:26
I would like a critique on my oc.  http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=8915.0
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Gracie Sky on 2013 Sep 16, 21:34:57
Quote from: Yellowpikmin476 on 2013 Sep 15, 19:40:26That piece of advise I'm definitely taking. Cutie mark stories. I don't know exactly how I'd solve the other problems, but I can definitely think about cutie mark stories. Also, my main question is this: How have thay been improved/made worse since your last look at them?


X3
Forgive my very forgetful memory, but I do review a decent number of OCs. I honestly have no recollection of what the previous incarnations of your characters looked like, so I cannot compare them with the way they currently are. However, I have it on good faith that characters get better with time and practice!
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: byndbored on 2013 Sep 17, 00:24:20
Since I'm still having trouble with working with my character I think I should at least tell you about how I want his back story to work. I'm trying to make a character who seen so many scary things that it doesn't effect him that much anymore, who may never know where he came from but doesn't care anymore, and who has problems trusting anyone including himself but is able to stay calm for the most part. (keep in mind I came up with him by using ideas from dreams I had when I was a kid.)
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Chitin on 2013 Sep 17, 01:00:51
Hello, it's Chitin again.

I just wanted to thank you for your review and say that I've taken what you said to heart. I'm honestly surprised I didn't realize how vague my descriptions were.  :I

I just finished revising Chitin and Weaver's bios and was wondering if you'd give them another look.

Weaver/Chitin (http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=8964.0)
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: HaponyHanzo on 2013 Sep 24, 06:39:34
hi could you take a look at my oc again? i added and changed some stuff and want to read your thoughts about it http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=8915.0
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: narwhaliagames on 2013 Sep 28, 14:19:45
could you take a look at my oc
name: oki
gender: male
age: 18
race: unicorn
personality: fun loving, playful, slightly insane, musical, bold, crazy, witty, doesn't care what other ponies think
instrument of choice: his voice
skills: can play a wide variety of instruments, is a skilled singer, can outwit most, is a fast runner, skilled in illusion magic
likes: humor, pranks, music, chaos, fun, the occasional breaking of the 4th wall, pinkie pie
dislikes: seriousness, boredom, sanity, depression
occupation: street singer
appearance: wears a red hoodie that can zip over his face with an odd smiling face on it, he has white fur and a short lime green mane, his cutie mark is the face on his hoodie
theme song:
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Gracie Sky on 2013 Sep 30, 20:06:46
I think you should at least properly capitalize so it doesn't appear so amateurish.

With that said, there's really little I can comment on. He does sound a little overpowered, being a street singer skilled with illusion magic, unless you can provide some proof as to how he became good at it. I mean one normally attends school to learn and harness magic and it seems odd that one who would attend school would end up as a street singer.
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Dark Hooves on 2013 Sep 30, 20:14:01
Spoiler: show
Name: Silver Wind Rainfall (Orphanage RP
Species: pegasus
Wing power: unknown
Gender: female
Age: 2 almost 3
Coat color: storm cloud silver with slivers of white
Mane and tail color: storm cloud purple
Eye color: left eye purple/right eye gold
Personality: boisterous, fun loving, kind
Positive traits: loves playing with stuffed animals, horse playing, loves to share
Cutiemark: Three wind blown clouds
Special talent: not currently known
B-day: April 4, 2010
Likes: stuffed animals, the color purple
Dislikes: arguing, broccoli
Favorite food: toaster pastries
Occupation: none
Dream job: unknown
Skills: none
Hobbies: drawing, making paper airplanes, anything or anypony that can fly


She just earned her CM in the LiP RP, also I need to edit her life story to bring it up to date with the RP.
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Gracie Sky on 2013 Sep 30, 20:32:36
How can a pony have a cutie mark without knowing what their special talent is? I was under the impression a pony received their cutie mark upon realizing that one thing that made them special.
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Dark Hooves on 2013 Oct 01, 18:30:37
Quote from: Dark Hooves on 2013 Sep 30, 20:14:01
Spoiler: show
Name: Silver Wind Rainfall (Orphanage RP
Species: pegasus
Wing power: unknown
Gender: female
Age: 2 almost 3
Coat color: storm cloud silver with slivers of white
Mane and tail color: storm cloud purple
Eye color: left eye purple/right eye gold
Personality: boisterous, fun loving, kind
Positive traits: loves playing with stuffed animals, horse playing, loves to share
Cutiemark: Three wind blown clouds
Special talent: creating strong winds
B-day: April 4, 2010
Likes: stuffed animals, the color purple
Dislikes: arguing, broccoli
Favorite food: toaster pastries
Occupation: none
Dream job: unknown
Skills: none
Hobbies: drawing, making paper airplanes, anything or anypony that can fly


She just earned her CM in the LiP RP, also I need to edit her life story to bring it up to date with the RP.


I forgot to put that lol
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Renatan on 2013 Nov 05, 17:23:44
Would you be able to do my OC Dark Grave?  ^-^ I'm just worried she could be improved and I don't even see it. I won't take anything offensively, so don't hold back. I mean, from what I've seen you're more descriptive then "your OC sucks, and you suck  >:/"

Spoiler: show


Name: Dark Grave
Age: 16
Gender: mare
Race: pegasus
Cutie Mark: a pony skull
Family: none known
Talent: dark magic/necromancy
Likes: solitude, nature, any weather, night
Dislikes: lots of noise, most fillies/colts, bright lights, Celestia or anyone who could interfere with her talent
Enemies: None officially addressed
Friends: Although she never says it, she considers her apprentice, Loath Flash, her friend
Fears: Death, some white magic, powerful ponies, dogs
Bio: Dark Grave was born somewhere uncharted to most ponies, and grew up being taught by her parents. She had no siblings, so she had lots of attention. Her mother was always willing to help her, meanwhile her father worked to keep them alive by gathering food and protecting them from any wild animals, such as Timberwolves. One thing about them, though, was that her father was actually a unicorn; her mother was a Pegasus. Her father had taken her into the woods one day to teach her to gather food that was safe to eat, and to show her what not to eat. While they were there a seemingly mad pony confronted them, demanding them to hand over whatever they had. Of course, this was nothing, for they hadn't even gathered anything yet. This angered the pony, causing him to attack. Dark's father acted quickly, doing the first thing he though of: fight back.
Using his magic he tore a tree limb off, swinging it at the pony.
A sharp crack echoed around the area as the pony slumped over, blood trickling from his head. Dark watched as her father chucked the body away with levitation. He quickly hustled her back to the cottage and told her to stay there for the rest of the day with her mother. But Dark realized something from that experience: she would do anything to use magic. The limits to it were endless. She thought of Celestia and Luna, how they could move the sun and moon! Amazing! She was a Pegasus, but she would still try to learn. In her own way, of course.
Skipping the more grim details, Dark learned magic through using old black magic, long forgotten. She changed things about them so that they could be done with blood, flesh, and bone. No horn needed! To this day she is still practicing, raising her powers. She avoids society as much as possible so as to avoid questions or suspicion. After all, she takes lone, sometimes lost foals and kills them, or cuts off just what she needs and lets them go so long as they don't tell anyone about her.
If they don't bleed to death before they reach anyone first, that is.
(How she met Loath Flash will be described in Loath's bio)
Born in: Unknown
Lives in: A forest some ways away from Ponyville
Theme: none yet
[spoiler][IMG]http://i41.tinypic.com/2iux3qh.png[/img]

[/spoiler]
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Asterian Starfall on 2013 Nov 05, 17:41:12
Quote from: Renatan on 2013 Nov 05, 17:23:44
Would you be able to do my OC Dark Grave?  ^-^ I'm just worried she could be improved and I don't even see it. I won't take anything offensively, so don't hold back. I mean, from what I've seen you're more descriptive then "your OC sucks, and you suck  >:/"

Spoiler: show


Name: Dark Grave
Age: 16
Gender: mare
Race: pegasus
Cutie Mark: a pony skull
Family: none known
Talent: dark magic/necromancy
Likes: solitude, nature, any weather, night
Dislikes: lots of noise, most fillies/colts, bright lights, Celestia or anyone who could interfere with her talent
Enemies: None officially addressed
Friends: Although she never says it, she considers her apprentice, Loath Flash, her friend
Fears: Death, some white magic, powerful ponies, dogs
Bio: Dark Grave was born somewhere uncharted to most ponies, and grew up being taught by her parents. She had no siblings, so she had lots of attention. Her mother was always willing to help her, meanwhile her father worked to keep them alive by gathering food and protecting them from any wild animals, such as Timberwolves. One thing about them, though, was that her father was actually a unicorn; her mother was a Pegasus. Her father had taken her into the woods one day to teach her to gather food that was safe to eat, and to show her what not to eat. While they were there a seemingly mad pony confronted them, demanding them to hand over whatever they had. Of course, this was nothing, for they hadn't even gathered anything yet. This angered the pony, causing him to attack. Dark's father acted quickly, doing the first thing he though of: fight back.
Using his magic he tore a tree limb off, swinging it at the pony.
A sharp crack echoed around the area as the pony slumped over, blood trickling from his head. Dark watched as her father chucked the body away with levitation. He quickly hustled her back to the cottage and told her to stay there for the rest of the day with her mother. But Dark realized something from that experience: she would do anything to use magic. The limits to it were endless. She thought of Celestia and Luna, how they could move the sun and moon! Amazing! She was a Pegasus, but she would still try to learn. In her own way, of course.
Skipping the more grim details, Dark learned magic through using old black magic, long forgotten. She changed things about them so that they could be done with blood, flesh, and bone. No horn needed! To this day she is still practicing, raising her powers. She avoids society as much as possible so as to avoid questions or suspicion. After all, she takes lone, sometimes lost foals and kills them, or cuts off just what she needs and lets them go so long as they don't tell anyone about her.
If they don't bleed to death before they reach anyone first, that is.
(How she met Loath Flash will be described in Loath's bio)
Born in: Unknown
Lives in: A forest some ways away from Ponyville
Theme: none yet
[spoiler][IMG]http://i41.tinypic.com/2iux3qh.png[/img]

[/spoiler]


Kind of dark back-story and personality, but intriguing to me personally!

I like how you defy the usual rules of magic with the fact that your OC is a pegasus. She found a way to do something unique to her and to her alone. Quite creative!

On the other hoof, I have to say that murdering young, innocent colts/fillies is a little violent. If you wish to dismiss cannon logic, which I myself do, then by all means continue!

I... do not really have much else to say. I am a little busy at the moment.
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Gracie Sky on 2013 Nov 05, 22:23:01
Well, first off, I'd like to get all the logical flaws out of the way.

I was wondering if there was a particularly good reason her parents named her Dark Grave. Unless both of them were also practitioners of dark magic, which didn't seem to be the case from what I read, an Equestrian family naming their daughter Dark Grave sounds a bit out of place. It sounds like a case of naming a pony after her special talent, which she didn't have when she was born, thus the flaw.

The maddened pony you mentioned should have a bit of foreshadowing or at least further explanation. He appeared out of nowhere for the sheer purpose of getting killed and then was never mentioned since then. I ask for an explanation because maddened ponies who demand all your belongings and then attack you because you have none I can't see existing, even as a plot device. Furthermore... not too sure a single blow from a broken tree branch would do a pony in. Of course, these all are just details; the whole point of this is just for Dark to see magic being used to kill another pony. I also happen to disagree with murder in Equestria, but that's just preference.

Now... necromancy... hmm. I'm not going to touch that subject, nor will I ask how and from where she was able to learn such arts for the purpose of being able to use magic without a horn.
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Renatan on 2013 Nov 09, 11:10:42
Quote from: Gracie Sky on 2013 Nov 05, 22:23:01
Well, first off, I'd like to get all the logical flaws out of the way.

I was wondering if there was a particularly good reason her parents named her Dark Grave. Unless both of them were also practitioners of dark magic, which didn't seem to be the case from what I read, an Equestrian family naming their daughter Dark Grave sounds a bit out of place. It sounds like a case of naming a pony after her special talent, which she didn't have when she was born, thus the flaw.

The maddened pony you mentioned should have a bit of foreshadowing or at least further explanation. He appeared out of nowhere for the sheer purpose of getting killed and then was never mentioned since then. I ask for an explanation because maddened ponies who demand all your belongings and then attack you because you have none I can't see existing, even as a plot device. Furthermore... not too sure a single blow from a broken tree branch would do a pony in. Of course, these all are just details; the whole point of this is just for Dark to see magic being used to kill another pony. I also happen to disagree with murder in Equestria, but that's just preference.

Now... necromancy... hmm. I'm not going to touch that subject, nor will I ask how and from where she was able to learn such arts for the purpose of being able to use magic without a horn.


Thanks! X3 As it turns out, though, most of this is covered in the uncensored version o3o "Skipping all the gorier details". That was my way of saying "more stuff happens but I have to not include it or LOE mods are going to chew me out angrily". The mad pony was actually meant to die from.... well, I can't say it here either  >.< I had to be very careful with my characters Dark Grave, Loath Flash, and Crooked Path so as not to break rules. They have censored bios, so some things aren't included (such as exactly how Dark Grave came to existence. Her parents actually did use dark magic.... I have to leave it at that  :()
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: moonlight7starshine on 2013 Nov 09, 11:12:37
Il let you critique on moonlight when her story is done
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Night Pony on 2013 Nov 09, 15:30:08
Is this still open? I posted once my OCs but it went ignored.
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Link on 2013 Nov 09, 15:32:48
It is, it's just Gracie is often busy and can't review everyone. I'd reccomend re-posting if it's several pages back.
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Night Pony on 2013 Nov 09, 15:34:48
No after I saw that she started reviewing characters after the post, I deleted it.
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Gracie Sky on 2013 Nov 10, 02:22:16
 :I I'm not that busy. While it is possible that I may simply forget to critique a character or lose track of which order I'm doing them in, the most common reason I don't reply to posts is because there is no additional constructive criticism I can add from my last review of the character in question.

I'm rather sure that I looked at Night Pony's OCs before... and commented on them. I can't really say for sure why I didn't reply, since it was a while ago, but if I had to guess, it was probably because there wasn't enough change to the characters and story, for better or for worse, to warrent an entire re-evaluation of your work.

Of course, if you want, I can take another look and possibly give you a very similar review to my last one... Assuming I even did a proper review of your characters. I do know the basics about your two characters, but whether I did a critique on it, I can't say for sure. I apologize for any inconveniences.
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Night Pony on 2013 Nov 10, 03:04:10
You never gave opinion on my OCs as far as I can remember. The only review I have is the one from the other thread from bananamustang. The story is largely untouched because I never had any major complaints about it.
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: the dark gods on 2013 Nov 10, 21:25:00
Mind doing some on my OCs, wanna know what area's I should improve on, and my OC page hasn't gotten any replies on it so I've went with going here for help.
Physics Shift
Spoiler: show

Name:Physics Shift
Age:31
Species: Unicorn
Gender: Stallion
Coat: Dark Blue
Mane: Neon Blue
Eye: Teal/Greenish
Cutie Mark: Magical Symbol

Backstory: Physics is the older brother of the foals of Red Dawn and Scroll Scriptor. Physics was quick to catch up on his parents legacy of running the Arcane Incantum, the two parents magic shop. Physics himself was a diligent student in school, mostly focusing in sciences and magical classes, eager to please his parents, and brag over his bully of a sister, who took far less "logical" classes then the blue stallion. Due to the pressures set up by his parents, and his own paranoia about failure, Physics didn't have much of a social life, and despite all of his hard-work in many fields, he still couldn't get a cutie mark. Despite his efforts, he was merely good at all the subjects, not outstanding in any of them, a solid A- student in the classes he focused on.

In a very terribly misguided bid to get some field experience for a job early on in life, Physics decided one weekend to rush off to the Everfree Forest, nearly losing himself within a hour of his exploration. Moments before deciding to leave forest, ashamed that he could find nothing, and failed several personal goals he had set up to complete while in the forest (Categorizing magical plants, watch some non-dangerous animals, etc), Physics comes across this small crater in the ground, the ash painting 8 arrows around itself all pointing outward, one with a book in the center, one that nearly glew with magical power. Realizing this wasn't some common book, he grabs the book and rushes home, into the hooves of his parents, who ground him for scaring the daylights out of them.

Physics spent many hours studying the book, learning all it had to offer to him, and as it turns out, the book gave him just what he needed, unlocking the skills and secrets of the magical classes he was having trouble with, along with secrets on magics school didn't offer to the stallion. As it turns out, the symbol on the cover of the mystical book became Physics cutie mark. As he grew older, he continued to read the book, also taking more and more magical classes and potion making skills, until he became of age and inherited the shop/home of his parents, while they and SnapShot moved away to Canterlot.

Due to a lack of friends to keep him out of trouble, Physics had gotten into the wrong crowd, working as a fairly high-up criminal in life, making, delivering, and selling illegal scrolls and other magical items in secrecy. Though after settling down with a wife and finally having children, Physics had mostly stopped his criminal activities. Despite this Physics is still a rather cruel business pony, using the fact he runs the only magic shop in Ponyville to raise prices to more than their real worth, while still low enough that ponies wouldn't travel to Canterlot for their magical needs.

Magical proficiency: Mental magic, illusions, pyromancy.

SnapShot
Spoiler: show

Name: SnapShot
Age: 29
Species: Pegasus
Gender: Mare
Coat: Purple
Mane: Pink
Eye: Deep Yellow
Cutie Mark: A camera

Backstory: Born to the same parents as Physics, the second child of the family, SnapShot saw, just like she saw her wings, knew she would never take her brothers spot as the inheritor of the magic shop that served as her home, and her parents place of business, nor as her parents favored child, and center of attention in the family. So in a bid to curry favor to herself, SnapShot choose to be as different as Physics as possible. Were Physics worked in the classroom on his sciences and magicks, SnapShot took to the outdoors, going for a more physical education, before realizing it wasn't her true calling and took more artistic classes, more directly writing & journalism. where Physics was enclosed and prefered to keep to himself, SnapShot was outgoing and spent as much time with her friends as possible. The only thing that both ponies seemed to share in common other than genes were their great prides. SnapShot could brag about to the entire class for minutes at a time about how great she was, and Physics wrote essays to himself on how factually he was superior to all of his classmates. SnapShot had also taken to playing cruel pranks on her brother as a means of trying to knock him down a notch.

One of the things SnapShot will never give up hanging over her brother was the fact she had gotten her cutie mark earlier than him, having a specific talent that she excelled at, while at the same time Physics was still stuck being in the uncomfortable spot between a generalist and a specialized magic user. SnapShot had gotten her cutie mark while helping out her friends, spying overhead in the clouds on the local bullies taking pictures and writing down notes, before publishing a story exposing the bullies to the school and town for what they really where, giving SnapShot her camera cutie mark, giving her enough credit to make a career of herself as a photojournalist.

When Physics came of age to take over the shop, SnapShot, rather than live under the brother that she considered lesser, stayed with her parents as they moved to Canterlot, and when she came of age moved into a self-made home in the clouds over the fair capitol, and her location made her job far easier, as the political HQ of Equestria made it a great spawn point for the type of small-time corruption she could fight, and even for the type of scandals that she could use to blackmail those she need for an extra-sum of cash.

After her brother had introduced her to Flame, a pony that she had first seen at Physics wedding, she had decided to marry the stallion, moving in with him, and back to her home town of Ponyville.

Proficiency: Camera work, journalism, stealth
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Gracie Sky on 2013 Nov 19, 21:56:36
Okay, there are a few problems, some being minor details and some being... major details. I will address them in order that I see them.

-Parents don't require names, unless they play a major supporting role in the character's life in the present time. I mean, like he still lives at home and addresses his parents often, something like Applejack to Granny Smith. The rare occasion Twilight Sparkle's and Rarity's parents visit, we never learn their names; this is deliberate. --This is not a big problem, just something to consider.

-The book in the crater is a blatant plot device that unfortunately breaks my suspension of disbelief (meaning I don't buy the legitimacy of the event in question). He's the first to discover a dubious book he wasn't looking for after an hour of wandering in a forest he was never supposed to be in in the first place and it so happens to help him in the school subjects he was studying. I still don't know what the book was about or what exactly Physics Shift special talent is (potion making?), so you might want to add those details in somewhere. We need to know a little bit more about this book, including why/how he was the one who found it and how it got there in the first place. --This is a big problem, I recommend revising.

-I don't believe ponies live criminal lives. At least in Ponyville, that is. Aside from Gilda, who was visiting, I've never seen underhanded work at play. Of course, underhanded work is not meant to be seen, so it's possible I've just never caught possible thieves in Ponyville in the act. --This is not a big problem, just something to consider.

-SnapShot has a convenient name because she is named after her cutie mark. I bring this up because if my name were SnapShot and I was debating what I was good at, I think I would drift towards journalism or photography first. It's typically unwise to name an OC after their cutie mark due to ponies receiving names a birth, when their future special talent is still unknown. It makes me question exactly why two ponies who named their first child Physics Shift would name their second child something suspiciously specific like SnapShot. --This is not a big problem, just something to consider.

Other than those issues, the OCs are fine from what I can tell.
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: the dark gods on 2013 Nov 20, 22:53:05
Quote from: Gracie Sky on 2013 Nov 19, 21:56:36
Okay, there are a few problems, some being minor details and some being... major details. I will address them in order that I see them.

-Parents don't require names, unless they play a major supporting role in the character's life in the present time. I mean, like he still lives at home and addresses his parents often, something like Applejack to Granny Smith. The rare occasion Twilight Sparkle's and Rarity's parents visit, we never learn their names; this is deliberate. --This is not a big problem, just something to consider.

Meh, just a small detail I felt like adding in, better then simply calling them mom and dad, and I have RPed as them before....

Quote
-The book in the crater is a blatant plot device that unfortunately breaks my suspension of disbelief (meaning I don't buy the legitimacy of the event in question). He's the first to discover a dubious book he wasn't looking for after an hour of wandering in a forest he was never supposed to be in in the first place and it so happens to help him in the school subjects he was studying. I still don't know what the book was about or what exactly Physics Shift special talent is (potion making?), so you might want to add those details in somewhere. We need to know a little bit more about this book, including why/how he was the one who found it and how it got there in the first place. --This is a big problem, I recommend revising.

It's was a book that happened to have quite the bit of general information, I could write up a quick reason for the placement of the book being there. And I do know it's a total Deus Ex Machina, totally admit that, don't mind it being the only one, and I won't write it out of the story for the complicated reason that I've already used it in a bit of quite RPs already, and it was a major part of it, don't mind if it's the only thing wrong with this.

Quote
-I don't believe ponies live criminal lives. At least in Ponyville, that is. Aside from Gilda, who was visiting, I've never seen underhanded work at play. Of course, underhanded work is not meant to be seen, so it's possible I've just never caught possible thieves in Ponyville in the act. --This is not a big problem, just something to consider.

It's not actually "in" Ponyville as much as it's in the Everfree, Physics just lives in Ponyville.

Quote
-SnapShot has a convenient name because she is named after her cutie mark. I bring this up because if my name were SnapShot and I was debating what I was good at, I think I would drift towards journalism or photography first. It's typically unwise to name an OC after their cutie mark due to ponies receiving names a birth, when their future special talent is still unknown. It makes me question exactly why two ponies who named their first child Physics Shift would name their second child something suspiciously specific like SnapShot. --This is not a big problem, just something to consider.

Ehhh, I can live with that, made her at a time when I didn't expect her to be a major RP character of mine, circumstance forced her to be one and I had to adapt with what I had.

Quote
Other than those issues, the OCs are fine from what I can tell.

Okay I can live with those problems, I'll mess around with the book part a bit in my free time after I do some thinking on the details....
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Shadow17598 on 2013 Nov 21, 21:10:13
I would like to see mine crituqed, as it is kind of bad :P

Here is the link http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=9416.0
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Blindfire on 2014 Jan 28, 23:02:05
I must admit that I'm curious as to what you think of Blindfire. I'm actually using him in the tabletop RPG I run, along with the characters of Liven Courier and Dusty Scroll (who won't be getting her own section of my comments thankfully), so I'd like to know anywhere I can... touch up on his character. Still working on the picture personally, since I tend to get a bit excessive with the details considering I use Gimp and General Zoi's pony creator for them, but I'll likely add that to his page after getting some feedback. Thank you for the consideration, and also for doing this kind of thing in the first place. Getting fair criticism of this kind of thing is surprisingly difficult sometimes. And sorry for subjecting you to the wall of text. I just start writing and... well, being concise is not one of my strong suits. Anyway, Enjoy the Chaos, and thanks again!

http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=9841.0
Edit: And I forgot the link. GO ME! 83
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Arashikage on 2014 Jan 28, 23:16:11
Oh hey there's a thread for this?  News to me!  I'd like someone to tell me what they think of Starshell, seeing as how really this is the only pony OC I've had.  My other characters are non-pony.
http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=10275.msg753478#msg753478
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Gracie Sky on 2014 Jan 30, 14:11:36
Blindside definitely has enough personality by merit of the way he talks, but I can't really extract any of his less dominant character traits. So far, I've collected that he may or may not be the mellow and direct type of zebra who enjoys elaborating and reminiscing. The fact that it's the character talking about himself tends to mean he won't talk about his own personality, which is kind of important to spell out in an introductory topic (at least the most obvious personality traits, that is). I would approach it by having him say what others say about him, because they would most likely bring up the obvious personality traits I mentioned before.

Now... the autobiography, which is basically 90% of the material, is completely saturated in the character's talking habits, although that does add some charm to it and gives us more insight about how the character percieves his own past. However, the crippling flaw is that it's long. Very long for an introduction topic. Most readers will probably skim over the first few sentences of each paragraph before figuring out it's all about Blindfire's past, which is nice and all, but runs the high risk of losing the reader's interest. Longer history stories really need to be saved for the likes of RPs, where the reader(s) have had a chance to become attatched to the character (through interaction) enough to want to learn about the lenthy past of him.

I'd recommend figuring out what the most critical to know points in his past were and stick to those, hopefully reducing the length of his past by about 75%. It really only needs a paragraph unless there is a visual tie between his past and his present self, like some sort of medallion he wears (or kids that follow him around), in which case you can also explain the medallion (or kids). I would really like to see more details about his present day self, though, as it is almost non-existant currently. You should have a lot to say about his present day self, anyways. He is an accomplished alchemist, he travels often and meets all sorts of ponies, he's blind... which should liven things up, no doubt.

And I don't particularly agree with firestorms causing children to be homeless and alone (trying to avoid the word "orphaned" here). If there house burned down, I'm sure there would be some sort of community effort to help them... at least if it were in Ponyville. I guess I can't speak for any other town. But really, it's all Equestria.
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Blindfire on 2014 Jan 31, 03:41:06
Hmm... Thank you, I think I know what to do now. I hadn't realized that the style I used would cause some issues on his personality, and your suggestion is a very nice approach to solve said issues without "breaking character." The observations you've made on him based on how he's talked actually helps me a lot, so I know where to go from there.

Onto the length... Yeah, that's a problem of mine, as you'll likely be able to tell from this response. I start writing and kinda have trouble stopping until the whole story is told. The fact that this is the first time I was actually writing out his history didn't help. And you're right, finding out about the character's history through interaction is better than having it told to you. I'll cut it down a (rather large) bit, probably just rewriting the whole thing and saving the wall of text for myself. On the present... yeah, kinda still fuzzy on his present at the moment. Mainly because he's still doing things in said RPG I mention below, so I should probably figure that out, huh? Hehe. 

Yeah... the whole explosion thing's an artifact from the RPG he's from. It's a bit darker than canon, so I'll rethink that part of his history. Hmm... thank you, you've given me some valuable ideas and insights into both the character and the way I write. I'll definitely be able to improve this. Thanks again for taking the time to help me, and Enjoy the Chaos!
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Ramisha on 2014 Feb 02, 15:36:14
Uh, hello. I'm making a new character. I know the story is't really "My Little Pony" like, but, could you take a look? :D
Right now I've got more info about his company than him... sigh... He's two days old now, I haven't thought of most things yet.
Also he almost never takes off his mask.
Spoiler: show
New pony in town.
(http://s6.postimg.org/mangy5h7l/asljdfb.png)
The image is obviously no finished.

I'm not so sure about his name, but temporarily it's Arken Wyrmwald.

Age: Somewhere between 26 and 29

Race: Earth pony

Cutiemark: It's a mystery.... :P

Personality: Arken is actually a fun and social pony. He's rather smart.
He is very finicky, and he doesn't have much of a sense for adventure. He just wants to get his job done.
He is impatient and easily annoyed.
In his spare time, he enjoys playing videogames.
His zodiac sign is a Sagittarius.

Backstory: Arken is a specially trained secret agent.
He works with a military organisation. Whether that company is working illegally or legally, he doesn't wish to disclose. (yes it's an illegal company :P)

Arken is skilled in fighting.
Not killing, mind you. Just disabling enemies and inflicting pain on them. He has never killed anyone, nor has anyone from his company died in combat. This is a pony universe after all!

Arken is well-educated in history and geography.
He has studied in Canterlot, with financing from his parents. May I add, his parents are pretty rich.

Arken has a brother who is a year older than him. His parents are alive too. Unlike MOST characters'....

Other: I'll tell you a little secret. His personality is based on a real person. His backstory is not. Obviously.

Spoiler: His company • show
He started working for his company when he was around 24. They needed a smart and strong stallion for help. They didn't specify what kind of help, and they said they want to change society. As he always wanted to make a difference somehow, he joined.
He soon found out they needed a secret agent. The last one was getting too old... he was 76 and he still wanted to kick Arken's bottom for taking his job. Oh well.  :P He didn't quite catch what the company was about, but there were some fighter ponies, guard ponies, some office ponies, some useless ponies... And even the company's personal blacksmith.  :o
A few months later, Arken found out that the company's work was illegal. They sure did want to make a difference, and they didn't care how to do it! He found out about it from a talk with a guard pony after a random passerby got too close to their headquarters.
Alright, I didn't tell you what the company's goal is.
The company's goal is taking over the world (it's not, don't worry) racial and gender equality.
That simple. Yet it wasn't that easy to achieve. See, the company's founder was a nice pony. Her husband wasn't.
He was a thief, a liar, a troublemaker. A politician. And worst of all he didn't agree with his wife.
So the company has problems to this present day. It was forced to hire guards, fighters and even a secret agent.
And that's about it. I'm not going to say anything else, you'll blame for telling you more about my pony's workplace rather than himself!!
[/spoiler]
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: bauccgia0 on 2014 Feb 03, 19:54:41
http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=10381.0
Just thought I'd get a mystery guy going. Tell me it's wonderful! :D Kidding, just tell me if it's enough to build a character on. Before questions are asked, Laserbolt is the guy I usually play.
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Gracie Sky on 2014 Feb 05, 19:33:42
I'll be addressing multiple characters in order they appeared after Blindside.

Starshell:
She's a quaint pony and it looks like she can do her job efficiently. But, other than that, you've told me that she is a talent agent. If that's all you can tell me about her, or all that's important about her, she will be a supportive character at best (when a situation calls for a talent agent). Other than where she was born and her build up to be a talent agent, I know little about her, including things like her personality, friends/acquaintances, and her upbringing. Of course, if she is designed to be supportive, none of this is required.

One thing about her talent, though. It does seem a bit odd that she has been in many school plays and spoken with many actors and then wanted to start looking to this line of work for her cutie mark.  I think it would make her special talent carry more authority if you established a history of her being able to "find the right pony for the right job". This would mean she needs a natural eye for detail and exceptional problem solving skills.

She just needs a bit more work, but she has some promise.

Arken Wyrmwald:
I think he's too far out there to be a realistic character in an Equestrian setting. It's that costume, really. It just screams "I'm up to no good". Does he really go out in public wearing that? His mysterious nature adds to any suspicious a pony would have of him. Now... could an organization that strives for racial and gender equality exist in Equestria? I wouldn't put it past me, but the issue here is that it's illegal for some reason. I would expect more of a union than a secret agent organization.

Although the existence of an organization like this brings up the question of whether or not ponies think they are being discriminated against due to their race and gender. I always imagined most ponies being proud of who they were and not judging others, but there is room for the possibility that there are ponies who aren't.

As for Arken himself... I'd say something if I knew anything about him, but he is shrouded in mystery. He has a family and he is good at fighting and he works for an illegal organization.

Since you're still developing him, I'm sure there's a lot more about him you have in store; just keep the things I just mentioned in mind as you continue to develop him.

West Star:
Uh... hmm... Great so far, but I know literally about 15 seconds worth of time about him. He appeared with certain memories in tact and all other memories lost or hidden. He names himself and starts looking for Laserbolt. I'm not sure what I could suggest to make the character better without asking you reveal something you want to keep hidden in his most likely tragic backstory. If anything, though, try to describe him maybe about a day's worth of time living among ponies who don't know his identity. Describe his tendencies and dominant personality traits that other ponies would observe from him. They don't even need to talk to him, although getting some words out of him would allow the reader to know more about his social habits.

And don't compare him to another pony when describing his appearance. I have no idea what Laserbolt looks like.
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Ramisha on 2014 Feb 06, 13:00:39
Thank you very much. Yes, he's underdeveloped... I wasn't sure what to put as the company's goal. It's a mysterious company so I'll just say that he doesn't even know what its motives are...
He doesn't really always walk around like that. Well, actually, he usually avoids other ponies...
Thanks agaiN!
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: DawnsEmbrace on 2014 Feb 06, 14:47:37
Wow, you seem to have a full time job with all these OCs, Gracie.

And you've been doing it for...
A YEAR and a HALF?
Wow.  Way to be dedicated to the job.


I kinda feel bad asking you about mine now... :I

Well, I guess I'll do it.
Please forgive me!


http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=10393.0


Lunar Composer is over that way.


PS:  I know that the more in-depth auto-biography is long, so I tried my best to make a condensed version, but I'm still not quite happy with it.  If you have the time, and more importantly, the patience to read that whole thing, it would be much appreciated and will give you a better idea of who he is.
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Gracie Sky on 2014 Feb 10, 17:09:53
Lunar Composer
I like him. He's very well balanced and doesn't have any overwhelming personality traits, yet is still distinguishable. I'm a tad bit surprised he hasn't met another starcharting pony or joined an astrology club or something of the sort, but I guess there's still plenty of time for things like that.

I most enjoy how you bring up many of the aspects behind a pony name in Equestria, the main one being heritage. He was expected to be a musician, so was named accordingly... except for the "Lunar" part, I don't know what that has to do with music. Anyways... this conflict between his real passion and the passion his parents want him to have serves as a gigantic opportunity to develop him into something truly unique. The best advice I could offer to a character like this (if you haven't considered it already, that is) is to evolve his talent of starcharting by means of influencing it with the music that his parents tried to pass on to him. Perhaps something like being able to compose music based on the alignment of the stars in his starcharts. STAR MUSIC, the stars are the notes!!! It would porbably sound horrible... or it might not! But still, if you did something like this, I'm sure his parents would be really happy that all their efforts weren't in vain. It would also help justify all those tedious hours he spent learning music and maybe even help broaden his perspectives on thing [I]not[/I] starcharting. It would definitely make me say "That's something new!".

Oh... I guess I should ask what he does in the daytime. I assume he's asleep in the day.

Uh... the vials of Poison Joke and the desire to walk even within 100 yards of the Everfree... I'm still a bit skeptical of those aspects of him unless you provide more reasoning behind why he would use Poison Joke as a weapon and why he would go to a forest everypony is afraid of. It's kinda mean to force Poison Joke on other ponies, even if they deserve it. Does Lunar Composer also possess the cure for Poison Joke, so that he can correct his past sinister deeds? Nopony goes into the Everfree for a reason: it's dangerous. Even if it really weren't dangerous, I don't see how a pony could accidentally figure that out. I know Zecora lives there and is fine and dandy, but we are talking about a pony who grew up in a sheltered environment seeing past the danger all ponies have been conditioned to avoid. It merits and explanation.

Last thing I wanted to bring up is auto-biographies. Other than the fact that most authors are conditioned to do the standard format, there are a few flaws with auto-biographies that stand as reasons as to why I personally don't use them. First off, characters are partial towards themselves, for good or for bad. I don't buy it if a pony says "My weakness is I'm timid". It's just not as authentic when you are talking about yourself... you know... like tooting your own horn. There's going to be bias that will interfere with the facts of the character. Having a third person narrator explain the character is a generally safer, albeit less interesting road to take. I will admit an auto-biography does help the reader know the personality of the character more, but you can illustrate a personality in a single sentence, which is why I have more recently included one-liners for my OCs.

The other issue is characters tend to rant about themselves when they get in the moment. Yours is a prime example. Their emotions cause them to stray away from the facts and digress in any which way. There IS a line where a reader will choose not to read something due to its length. Of course, this line is different for everypony, but cluttering the biography with the character's two cents for every event that has happened to them will get in the way at some point.

Don't get the wrong idea. There's nothing wrong with auto-biographies. If you want to use them, more power to you. I would recommend not... sounding too upset by the fact that others don't use them, though. The best thing you could do is make an auto-biography and if other people like the style, they will mimic it themselves.
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: DawnsEmbrace on 2014 Feb 10, 20:12:12
Whoops, looks like I made this response too long.
To avoid clutter, I put it in here.


Spoiler: show
Yay!  I'm glad you liked (Most) of him. 
You found some problems I didn't think of, so mission accomplished on both ends!
I guess I should address some of those problems you've found first before going on.


In response to Powdered Joke and the Everfree.

He knows about, and what to do with, Poison Joke, due to witnessing it's effects during the episode Bridle Gossip.
He only keeps one vial on him at any given time, to minimize potential hazards and/or accidents.
Lunar has lots of patience, and that one vial is reserved for the few who can truly break through that.
Chances are, those ponies are jerks, major ones.
Let's take Diamond Tiara as an example.  Her defining trait is that she's a jerk.
If she contracted Poison Joke, it would most likely find some annoying way to NOT let her condescend others.
This experience would (In his opinion) benefit her greatly.  Whether this is a failing on Lunar's part or not, is up to the individual.

He doesn't consider it mean or extreme because of that belief, Lunar's a nice pony.  When dealing with something as delicate as this, he always knows of a remedy.
He places that remedy (In this case being a pouch of herbs and a note on what to do with them,) on the afflicteds doorstep the next night.

As for the Everfree, he walks there because he can be absolutely alone there, a state of being which he is most comfortable in.
He makes his best decisions when he's alone.
He's cautious yes, but not afraid of the forest due to his natural rationality, knowing he can at any time fly straight up to get out.

Don't forget, Lunar's from Canterlot.  He has most likely never heard of the dangers of the Everfree forest, and would be very interested in seeing this lost section of land for himself.
...And possibly mapping it...


As for Auto-biographies...I don't really know what to say.
You bring up all perfectly valid points, and I tend to agree with you.
I should probably just spruce up his regular boring bio.




Okay, this is a bonus bit of information just in case you wanted answers to those little questions, I didn't feel would have a good fit in his bio.

The reason he hasn't met any other pony with Starcharting interests is because I haven't in the forums yet.
As for not joining a club, there would be too many ponies there.  He'd never be comfortable.
Oooh, I could have him start his OWN club!  That way he can ease into meeting new ponies 1 by 1 while still finding ponies who care for what he does.

That was an unexpected idea.  Thanks Gracie!

His first name is Lunar because his family (On his fathers side) has all darker colors.  It's something of a tradition in his family to name children after that fact.
(His fathers name is Mond Komponist which is German for Moon Composer)




Okay.

Okay, okay, okay.


Star Music, is absolutely Celestia-darn BRILLIANT.  Sweet baby Princesses, it's brilliant.


I started doing some thinking on the idea, and have come up with something.
What if Princess Luna helped him write music by putting the stars in the sky a different way every night?
And every time he makes a "Starchart" he's actually writing music that our beloved younger Princess has given him.
Who is, in her own way, trying to teach him a lesson about not giving up on the hopes of your parents.

Oh, and yes, for the most part he sleeps during the day.
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Foolin on 2014 Feb 14, 19:27:55
Hello Gracie Sky! Seems like you got a good thing going here. I have some characters that could use an opinion or two. I'd ask for all but that sounds a bit greedy. So if you could at least look over the first one, I'd appreciate it.

http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=10452.0

Thanks in advance!
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Gracie Sky on 2014 Feb 17, 03:40:20
While I do have a few things to say about Foolin', I don't have a lot of material about him to critique. He has the mindset and talent pool consistent with that of a comedian, but that's the extent of my knowledge of him. It would help immensely if you not only said he was good at something like boxing, but explained exactly how good at boxing he was or how he is different from other boxers. Hightlights of his boxing career would do nicely.

Except you want such examples of his comedian career as well, of course.

And boxing ponies seems a bit off to me, but I've seen jousting and fencing ponies, so boxing isn't that far of a stretch as long as you can sell it.

I find "Foolin'" to be more of a nickname than a name given to one by their parents. Just wanted to let you know, and hopefully that was what you had in mind already.
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Ivory Valor on 2014 Mar 03, 03:02:00
I'm almost scared to ask, but....

http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=10521.0

Please evaluate?
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: byndbored on 2014 Mar 29, 01:00:58
If I was to change my characters backstory what would you think of the idea of him literally becoming trapped in the dream world for most of his childhood until Luna found him and got him out, do you think that could work in someway.
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Gracie Sky on 2014 Mar 29, 17:18:23
Being trapped in the dream world is a very delicate subject.

There would be a ton of explanations that would need to be given out if you were to take this sort of road. First off, you'd need to answer why he got trapped in the dream world, since most ponies tend to wake up when morning comes. The very idea of being trapped in the dream world is something more akin to a coma. Secondly, if he was in there for most of his childhood before Luna saved him, why did it take Luna so long to rescue him?

If you can give reasonable explanations to those points I presented, you might be able to pull it off.
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: MrEmu on 2014 Mar 29, 18:14:05
A decent explanation could be the fact that Luna was on the moon for 1,000 years, so he could have been trapped for the last -PONY'S AGE HERE- years of Luna's moon banishment...

But WHY he got stuck in a dream still should be explained...
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: byndbored on 2014 Apr 01, 01:13:49
What if when he was little he found some strange artifact on the ground that would have gave him power over ponies dreams as a way of controlling minds if he used it (he's unaware of what it is or what it does of course), there was something about it that creep-ed(i refuse to believe that's how you spell creep-ed)him out so he broke it resulting in it trapping him in the dream world as the result of some defense mechanism.
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Dark Hooves on 2014 Apr 13, 23:33:28
http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=6860.msg737508#msg737508

mah newest original character
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Aged Rain on 2014 Apr 17, 19:15:04
Ooh, I would like a critique, please.

My OC is named Curious, and here (http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=10738.0) is his page.

Thank you 0:)
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: RuneAlchemist on 2014 Apr 21, 11:30:32
Hi hi, Rune here~

Rune & Flurry (http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=11395.0)

I'd be thrilled if you could give me your opinion on the both of them, though i'd love to hear more about Flurry, rather than Rune.
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: -ReiMar- on 2014 Jun 21, 08:26:44
I'd be happy to hear more critique on my character to make her as perfect as I can)) ^^
Just follow the link in my signature))
:)
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Gracie Sky on 2014 Jun 28, 23:20:41
-ReiMar-

Though I'm not generally fond of half-breed and such, this character is balanced and explained enough to validate being partially a dragon. The thing that helped sell it the most was that her becoming part dragon was a result of an isolated accident regarding magic and an artifact, making this outcome difficult to duplicate. I've never heard of a crystal dragon egg, but I could see such a thing existing, and thus all the events tied to it can be fathomable. My only concern is that she somehow turned herself into an egg trying to hatch something; I'm not sure how that all equates to becoming an egg of something that has never existed, unless somehow the spell changed as a result of being reflected by this artifact, which still doesn't make perfect sense. But still, I'm sure you could develop a logical explanation, so it's not a big problem.

I see no issues with her personality, although you might do good to provide a broader perspective or random tidbits and such, seeing as it's a bit narrow about her social interactions only. I also wonder if Serpent Scale's personality is the same as the pony she used to be.

About her abilities, I don't particularly agree with her strength and flying speed. Dragons are strong because they are humongous, but Serpent Scale is about the same size as your average pony. Now, there are smaller dragons as well, and those subjects are the best to compare Serpent Scale's abilities to. From my understanding, a pony sized dragon may be slightly stronger than an Earth Pony. I'm imagining one of those youth dragons trying to have a tug of war with Big Macintosh, by the way. Regardless, Serpent Scale's strength would probably be equal to that of an Earth Pony, since she's not full dragon, unless she specialized in physical strength, which doesn't seem to be the case. As for flying, she's either strong or fast, but not both. You say it yourself that her size slows her down, so it probably is more likely that she's stronger but slower when compared to your average Pegasus. I have no quarrel with all her magic being fire related. It's a nice quirk, you should stick with that.

On a last note, you only briefly mention her life before becoming half dragon. Do you plan on developing who she used to be? Will she reflect on her past? Does she even remember it? There's no issue if you don't plan on it, since the character she used to be doesn't technically exist anymore. I think it would only be worthy of mentioning if she remembers it or has a desire to remember it. But definitely focus more on her present self.



Gamepad, your character I don't think I can offer any meaningful critique to. He's a human turned pony, which I don't encourage in OCs and... there's just a lot about him that doesn't belong in the Equestria universe.
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: -ReiMar- on 2014 Jun 29, 14:43:55
Quote from: Gracie Sky on 2014 Jun 28, 23:20:41
-ReiMar-

Though I'm not generally fond of half-breed and such, this character is balanced and explained enough to validate being partially a dragon. The thing that helped sell it the most was that her becoming part dragon was a result of an isolated accident regarding magic and an artifact, making this outcome difficult to duplicate. I've never heard of a crystal dragon egg, but I could see such a thing existing, and thus all the events tied to it can be fathomable. My only concern is that she somehow turned herself into an egg trying to hatch something; I'm not sure how that all equates to becoming an egg of something that has never existed, unless somehow the spell changed as a result of being reflected by this artifact, which still doesn't make perfect sense. But still, I'm sure you could develop a logical explanation, so it's not a big problem.

I see no issues with her personality, although you might do good to provide a broader perspective or random tidbits and such, seeing as it's a bit narrow about her social interactions only. I also wonder if Serpent Scale's personality is the same as the pony she used to be.

About her abilities, I don't particularly agree with her strength and flying speed. Dragons are strong because they are humongous, but Serpent Scale is about the same size as your average pony. Now, there are smaller dragons as well, and those subjects are the best to compare Serpent Scale's abilities to. From my understanding, a pony sized dragon may be slightly stronger than an Earth Pony. I'm imagining one of those youth dragons trying to have a tug of war with Big Macintosh, by the way. Regardless, Serpent Scale's strength would probably be equal to that of an Earth Pony, since she's not full dragon, unless she specialized in physical strength, which doesn't seem to be the case. As for flying, she's either strong or fast, but not both. You say it yourself that her size slows her down, so it probably is more likely that she's stronger but slower when compared to your average Pegasus. I have no quarrel with all her magic being fire related. It's a nice quirk, you should stick with that.

On a last note, you only briefly mention her life before becoming half dragon. Do you plan on developing who she used to be? Will she reflect on her past? Does she even remember it? There's no issue if you don't plan on it, since the character she used to be doesn't technically exist anymore. I think it would only be worthy of mentioning if she remembers it or has a desire to remember it. But definitely focus more on her present self.


Yes, I thought I explained it in the description) The artifact was "Crystal Databank on Dragons' Pysique". It contained dozens of years of research on Dragon physique and possible fusion spells on "Dragon Chimera" making. "Hatch" spell had to magically speed up the rest of development of the Dragon in the egg, just like Twilight used her spell on Spike's egg. But the spell had bounced back on Scales instead. This spell got altered in a way to actually reverse growth process and to turn creatures into Dragons. It absorbed physique data stored inside the artifact, reversed Scales' growth, and then refitted her basic physique into Dragon's. It's not perfect, since true spell was never finished.
Dang it, I'm kinda lost myself in this explanation. x__x" Spell reversed her development to the egg level, then added Dragon info, and with all that she then developed and grew up as Half-Dragon)
X3

I'm kinda bad at creating characters~ ^ ^'' What should I include in character explanation?
X3

Yes, I thought I said that she's as strong as a young Dragon. No way she can rival a big Dragon. As for flying, she actually uses her weight to accelerate. When she flies towards the earth, she gains speed and momentum which she then uses to maintain big speed. But she won't be able to insta-speed up like Pegasi do)
:D

No, her memories are wiped out, as I said in the description. No memories at all. Her character is also differs from what she is now. A rough comparison: she used to be Twilight, but now she's Rainbow Dash) Still, she wants to find out about her past, but she have no idea what it is. All she aims for is finding her Dragon and Pony parents, thinking she's a true hybrid of two species)
:D
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Florid on 2014 Aug 10, 14:07:25
I can already tell where this will go

But heres Florid

(http://i.imgur.com/JRb0R6p.png)
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Gracie Sky on 2014 Aug 10, 14:37:24
Florid looks fine so far, but I can't evaluate just a picture.

Well... I can, but I won't be able to say anything particularly meaningful.
So far the picture is fine. The freckles are a good touch to that relaxed demeanor he carries. His mane is soft and does not distract from the character, although his tail seems to have a deviant red stripe that his mane does not have or even hint at, for some reason. His vest is simple and isn't excessive, especially since it looks like it ties to his special talent somehow. His name is also simple, which I prefer in pony names. On the other hoof, I'm willing to bet 10 bits that he is a flambouyant pony, simply because his name is a synonym for the word. Still, Florid is an uncommon word, so you should be safe from being too predictable by your readers.

I would still like to see some information about him, though.
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: NomDePlume on 2014 Aug 19, 01:08:21
If you're still doing critiques, I would love it if you would do Nom De Plume. I would love as much advice as you could give me!

http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=13128.0
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Florid on 2014 Aug 20, 02:49:07
Quote from: Gracie Sky on 2014 Aug 10, 14:37:24
Florid looks fine so far, but I can't evaluate just a picture.

Well... I can, but I won't be able to say anything particularly meaningful.
So far the picture is fine. The freckles are a good touch to that relaxed demeanor he carries. His mane is soft and does not distract from the character, although his tail seems to have a deviant red stripe that his mane does not have or even hint at, for some reason. His vest is simple and isn't excessive, especially since it looks like it ties to his special talent somehow. His name is also simple, which I prefer in pony names. On the other hoof, I'm willing to bet 10 bits that he is a flambouyant pony, simply because his name is a synonym for the word. Still, Florid is an uncommon word, so you should be safe from being too predictable by your readers.

I would still like to see some information about him, though.

I'll try to sum him up in a nutshell.

Personality wise Florid is what you would call a "dapper dan man" (or pony in this case) Well groomed, well mannered, polite, mostly selfless, an all around gentlepony, and a 'little' obsessed with his appearance but not flamboyant about it. He tends to wear countless outfits but his shirt 'n vest combo being his more 'iconic' outfit. I won't lie I've changed him up a bit once because his original design ( http://i.imgur.com/3P1IQCT.png ) beginning to look a tad iffy to me and he was a bit of a rushed OC. In honesty I'd probably turn his coat to a brown instead now and remove the streak from him  tail.

Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Dark Hooves on 2014 Sep 07, 01:13:33
http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=6860.msg849489#msg849489
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: ComputerDeathglare on 2014 Nov 14, 20:32:12
Is this still open? I redid Pyro a looooooooot.

http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=13516.0
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Gracie Sky on 2014 Nov 15, 21:01:35
Thankfully you point out that this is a more realistic Equestria, or I'd tell you that your OC seems to be a bit too negative for the land of love and tolerance. I would like to hear why you decided to base your characters on this darker version of Equestria, although that's ultimately up to you.

First off, you probably should leave out the fact that she is concealing her birth name. Introduction topics should define what is commonly known/widely accepted as fact about the character in question. Of course, if she open about the fact that she changed her name, then there is no issue, although you might want to point such a detail out. However, because she uses an alias indicates it's unlikely that other ponies are aware that Pyro is not her real name, with the exception of her husband/fiancee. Secrets like her real name should be held onto until the time is right during her development, if you had any planned for her.

A lot of the details about her I feel could use a bit more detail. One key detail is the circumstance by which she became so reclusive. You seem to tie it to that accident that sent her brother to the hospital for 8 years, but it's difficult for me to piece together the correlation between the two. Why did her brother going to the hospital make her mature quickly, be a loner, and make it impossible to make friends? Was she dependant on her brother for mental support? I can see that she didn't really get along with her mother, but I don't know why the two couldn't get along. What were they arguing about? If I had to guess, it would be that her mother wasn't letting her do what she desired, which, at the moment, include cats and drawing. A few sentences clearing these questions up would be a great boon to her background.

Now, about her cutie mark... She got it after running away from home. I don't think it's the best scenario, but that's not actually my main concern. It's hard for me to consider this a true cutie mark, based on my knowledge of how cutie marks fundamentally work. My understanding is that a cutie mark is earned during that moment a pony realizes what their special talent in life is. Based on what the cutie mark represents, her talent is staying true to her ambitions. Is that something you can specialize in? It's great that she's passionate, but her cutie mark would be better off reflecting what she is passionate about rather than being passionate in and of itself. ... I hope I'm making sense.

Her relation with with Riptide advanced a little faster than I can believe, especially with a character you've established as a loner. It feels like you're implying that she can make friends as long as the other pony initiates the contact, and the only reason another pony has been able to make contact with her is because she was on the run and currently resting. Even then, it's still a stretch how Riptide was conveniently at the right place at the right time and felt compelled to speak to a complete stranger sitting alone on a bench. Of course, I don't know anything about Riptide, so it could be in his personality to do such a thing. Regardless, I feel the two connected a bit too quickly and smoothly, given the personality and current motivations of Pyro. I recommend touching up a bit and making that date occur with a bit more hesitation (or at least spell out that hesitation).

Finally, she learned animation. I'm assuming computer animation, although I would like you to specify. And I don't know what an MMA is, so it's likely many of your readers won't, so I'd also recomend specifying that one out.

Oh, right, last last thing. I would really like to hear about that rainbow color in her mane, unless it's just her natural hair color. And that collar, too, unless that also is just an accessory she wears for no important reason.
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: 0jackie0 on 2014 Nov 16, 01:00:14
Hi, Gracie! <3 Its been a while, hasn't it? I've added three more characters and gotten rid of one, if you wanted to give them a lookover. ^_^

Jackie and the Gang (http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=8458.0)
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Etherdrone on 2014 Nov 16, 01:09:41
Classius Von Mayberk (http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=13449.0) says hello!
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: ComputerDeathglare on 2014 Nov 16, 19:23:15
Thanks, Gracie!

Yes, Pyro IS going to get developed a lot, and this also doubles as my answer for why she's in an alternate Equestria. She's a part of a story blog which is meant to be happy at first glance, but it has dark undercurrents, like Pyro's life.

If asked about it, she'll explain why she changed her name and refuses to speak it, but won't go out of her way to say, "Actualllllyyyy... my name isn't really Pyro."

I always forget to talk about her brother, sometimes I omit other character's backstories because I either am trying to keep it relevant or because I'm an airhead sometimes. :P He had pneumonia which caused severe brain damage. She had to be in hospitals so often, being in school was almost impossible, and later because she moved around so often, she gave up the effort of trying to find new friends everywhere. She had to be mature because she quickly learned not to aggravate her parent's already high stress levels, so she became reclusive and "small" in a sense. She matured because she had to think like an adult who is respectful of others, than a foal who will pester for things they want, hence causing more stress, even if it is slightly damaging to her in some way. Also, Pyro unrightfully believes she could have done something to save him, although it was impossible.

She fights with her mother over literally everything. Her mother only knew to release stress by yelling at her, and after a few years, she got sick of it, dropped her morals of not causing more trouble, and starting yelling back.

Her original cutie mark was a jack-of-all-trades kind of cutie mark, because this Equestria is more realistic, instead of the general thought that ponies are only good at whatever their cutie mark can be perceived as, they have multiple talents that they can be very good at, but more as hobbies than their general job that their cutie mark shows. After switching her to my Equestria, I decided that this glob of things she's really good at was too much, and gave her one that still fits her, being extremely passionate about many aspects and ponies in her life once she's happy. She doesn't ever know exactly what it stands for, and spend a lot of time pondering it before deciding that must have been it. Also, another interpretation could be repeatedly in RPs, people keep making her a comfort for their OCs, so she is a bit of a "guiding light".

The story of her meeting Riptide is because of a short fic my boyfriend wrote for me for my birthday. I can't post it because of a short NSFW nightmare scene. Pyro would be really shy and jumpy, afraid he might kick her out. And she would be a little hesitated, but she's also drunk on freedom and isn't thinking straight.

MMA stands for Mixed Martial Arts, which is probably another reason why it fits into a darker universe, since I doubt ponies fight for entertainment. And yes, computer animation.

She likes rainbows. She doesn't have any other reason other than aesthetics, same for her collar.
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Dark Hooves on 2014 Nov 16, 21:52:22
how's about OC Angel's Breath

she is the first spoiler tag on page 1 of my OC list
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Gracie Sky on 2014 Dec 03, 02:18:14
Sorry for the wait, everypony! The holidays aren't the best time for me... and something about Warlords of Draenor. X3

For Jackie - I've looked over your OCs again and... I would like to know exactly what you wanted me to re-evaluate. She and the others I'm willing to evaluate haven't changed much. I see you've taken out the surgery and went into a bit more detail about her cutie mark. I would like to hear more about how she applies her special talent in her every day life, although that's just flavor that I think would do her character well and is not really required. As for Russ, well... hmmm... I don't really see anything "wrong" wrong with him... I mean nothing I can offer advice on without destroying who he is. He's probably fine as he is, it just doesn't line up with my personal tastes.

For Dark Hooves - I can't really evaluate any of your characters, since you only offer a list of facts about them. Try to include things like their history. Tell me about how Angel's Breath aquired her talent and how she is different from your average florist. While it is useful to know, I can't relate to things like a pony's birthday and her Wing Power. Even things like her likes and personality need to be put into context, which is the objective of a character's history.
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: 0jackie0 on 2014 Dec 05, 21:04:39
It was more to see if you were willing to critique the others, not really Jackie or Russ. > w < May I ask why you did not want to critique the other? Sugar Drop I can see, but Thrak it 'technically' canon, which is usually what you like to look for. Is it because he's not g4?
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Gracie Sky on 2014 Dec 26, 16:42:15
Thrak time traveled from the primordial ages because he fell down a fissure caused by an earthquake. Now, unless there's more than meets the eye on this character's arrival to Equestria, this scenario breaks my suspension of disbelief within the Equestrian universe. I am also trying to decide if the whole concept of dinosaurs in Equestria would be believeable, although I don't see any reason why not as long as it is sufficiently explained. But falling through a crack in the ground and time travelling I wouldn't consider sufficient.

Other than that, though, I don't see any issues with Thrak. I was a little hesitant about giving my opinion on Thrak because there really isn't any nice way to say "I don't think he belongs". Of course, if you could revise the story and come up with a more plausable explanation regarding how Thrak found his way into Equestria, there won't be any issues remaining.
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: Aurora Pen on 2014 Dec 26, 22:30:11
i'd love it if you did some critique for my Aurora Pen~! ^ .^  0:) <3

http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=13694.0
Title: Re: Character Critique Thread
Post by: 0jackie0 on 2014 Dec 31, 03:31:27
Quote from: Gracie Sky on 2014 Dec 26, 16:42:15
Thrak time traveled from the primordial ages because he fell down a fissure caused by an earthquake. Now, unless there's more than meets the eye on this character's arrival to Equestria, this scenario breaks my suspension of disbelief within the Equestrian universe. I am also trying to decide if the whole concept of dinosaurs in Equestria would be believeable, although I don't see any reason why not as long as it is sufficiently explained. But falling through a crack in the ground and time travelling I wouldn't consider sufficient.

Other than that, though, I don't see any issues with Thrak. I was a little hesitant about giving my opinion on Thrak because there really isn't any nice way to say "I don't think he belongs". Of course, if you could revise the story and come up with a more plausable explanation regarding how Thrak found his way into Equestria, there won't be any issues remaining.


Well, this is where I scratch my head and admit my embarrassment. In the effort to get everything onto one page, I had to pull Thrak's info from three separate sites, cuz I'm inconsistent. I just realized that I still have his first backstory on there. xD I'll have to go looking for the one that WAS revised. My apologies on that.