My OC, White Prism

Started by White Prism, 2013 Jan 23, 17:59:23

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Morning Glory

Well, you're already doing better than me. I took one year of Spanish and two years of French in school and I couldn't write two proper sentences in either language right now even if you paid me.

I would recommend an English spell-checker if you can find one. While some of your problems are with word-use and conjugation of verbs, some are just plain old spelling errors; easy to fix. The rest just takes time and practice. And one of the best ways to do that is to roleplay. Join some of the jump-ins and give it a try. Have fun!

White Prism

Im inside the Royal Academy of Magic already  ^-^ And thanks, im sure ill have fun, hope you too. (Also, I have bad/under average memory most times and random derps, thats why sometimes my english can look odd)
Insanity? Me? *Laught evil and madly*


Link to my ponysona/OC~
http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=6392.0

Weremetalwolf

I like your OC ^-^ but does he like/hate/fear something, I'm just curious X3
<br />My channel<br />My DA<br /><br />

ShadowHeart

I see a full metal alchemist brotherhood friend! I wub that anime. Um, I do think the, super fast thought process and spell talent may be a bit much. I think the alchemy talent is plenty enough.

Join the changeling herd, or she'll devour your love!

White Prism

Weremetalwolf: The fear of hurt ponies for fault of control what make him to be more gentle handling things and try to avoid touching anypony and touch bugs with his hoofs, silly but both he and me (well, us since after all it's a me) like to be on a safety distance from something bigger than a butterfly  :P

ShadowHeart: The idea of the alchemy wasnt really coming from FMA but it can be related, since the alchemic circles arent only for transmute, but for realize various effects what cant be meant to happen with raw magic. Also, the faster mental process dont mean what he is an uber genious what can resolve anything in a moment, just what is easier for him  ^-^
Insanity? Me? *Laught evil and madly*


Link to my ponysona/OC~
http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=6392.0

ShadowHeart


Join the changeling herd, or she'll devour your love!

Gracie Sky

2013 Jan 24, 19:59:39 #26 Last Edit: 2013 Jan 24, 20:03:36 by Gracie Sky
For some reason, this pony reminds me of Richter Abend from Tales of Symphonia 2. Those piercing eyes with those glasses...

Oh, about him. Alchemy is a good touch, since the only one to date is Zecora. The cutie mark might be a little... complex. Three small symbols in a large symbol just looks too overdone to me. And he's an orphan.
Character Critique Thread

Have your OC fairly and honestly evaluated!

GoldenTerrabyte

2013 May 25, 08:59:28 #27 Last Edit: 2013 May 25, 09:09:19 by Yellowpikmin476
Quote from: Morning Glory on 2013 Jan 23, 20:56:48
Spoiler: show
Name: White Prism

Age: 19

Specie: Unicorn

Gender: Male

Appearance: White body, with white hair and green stripes. Always wears black glasses. He has green eyes and looks kinda grumpy.



Cutie Mark: Green alchemical symbol.



Backstory: Orphaned for as long as he can remember, White Prism is kind of shy when it comes to communication with other ponies, since he doesn't know how to interact well with them, and he is usually serious and focused on his work.
While living on his own, he found that had too much power inside him, so much so that he is afraid of use it more than one or two times daily in case it gets out his control. He is able to create all sort of medicines, tonics, materials. He can also transmute things into other items, as well instantly cast whatever spell he has in mind. Also, he can draw alchemical circles for multiple purposes including reinforced defense, healing area for sick ponies, or summoning random critters. It is hard for him to open to others and he may still look grumpy  while trying to being friendly. If he befriends you, you can always count with him, since he loves to help anyone in need, and to be loyal to his friends.


Proofread for you. It's now much easier for us English speakers to read.



Overall, I'd say he's overpowered. Particularly "instantly cast whatever spell he has in mind". Even Twilight Sparkle has to consult her books and concentrate and practice. And potion making is done a lot around here too. Same thing with orphans- I think there may actually be more OCs without families than with around here. He could just be a loner as opposed to being without a family entirely. Besides, how could he know all this magic if there was no one to teach him? I have trouble believing he taught it all to himself.

I would remove some of his extra abilities, cut back on the "so much power he's afraid to use it" and focus on his enchanted circles more. That's a new idea, and I like it. Even the greatest amount of raw power is useless without a good application, and it's not very creative either. I think this pony would be better if you let him have a normal amount of power and instead let him invent new and clever ways to use it, like with his enchanted circles. That's what makes this pony stand out, so I would highlight it and try to develop it more. I can think of lots of useful circles that he could work with. One that freezes everything inside, one that hides or disguises ponies inside it, one that creates mud or quicksand. There are a lot of possibilities! It's definitely a cool idea and one that you should focus on as what sets your pony apart, instead of loading him with overpowered abilities like so many other OCs.
I agree with you on the "more familyless OCs than OCs with families" thing. That just represented all I believe in on this forum. And you had some cool ideas. You should use them for your OCs. I want to have an encounter with a pony with such abilities in RP.
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