My OC for RPing Grey Scale

[Greyscaleisme]

Name: Grey Scale

Eye color: Deep Blue

Mane color: Naturally all white, she dyes a purple stripe in it.

Coat color: Deep black, seems very dark blue in bright light.

Age: 29

Race: Unicorn

Gender: Female

Cutiemark: A shining silver comet

Occupation: Captain of the Lunar Guards in Canterlot.

House: An old apartment in Canterlot.

Backstory: Abandoned as a filly, Grey was taken into an orphanage in Manehattan. As time passed, the orphanage closed, and the orphans were put out on the streets. Grey, young and naive, joined with a group of rather unsavory characters. Despite their inadequacies, they helped her, giving her shelter and food, a family. This group was a mob, violent and cruel, but protective over those they saw promise in. Grey, from a young age, was smart, and possessed very powerful magic. This made her a valuable asset to the mob, and she was trained well. As time passed however, she began to see just how bad her 'family' was, and she disapproved. When she grew of age, she joined the guards, keeping it a secret from all but one of her closest friends. It would come back to haunt her. That friend ratted her out on his first chance, and she was forced to run from Manehattan. She came to Cantermore, and when she was assigned guard duty there, she stayed. She worked her way up through the ranks, talent and skill making her a captain. She became the only member of the Lunar Guards still on active duty, and now that Luna has returned, she is seeking more members to join and hail the moon. The reason she even managed to get into the guards is complex, and it is for that reason, and several others, that the civilian ponies do not know how ponies enter the guards. There are scouts, ponies that have been trained to find, and from a distance, test possible recruits for the guards. When Grey's cutiemark was seen, the scouts went into action. Despite her intelligence, she was no archivist, so she could not help Luna with books or knowledge of the past. And despite her spell adeptness, she was not powerful enough to be a sparring partner. But she was loyal and strong, a great leader, and a good pony, even with her checkered past. It was for this reason, that one day, Grey revived a letter from the recruitment office in Manehattan.

Cutiemark story: One evening whilst prowling the streets of Manehattan, Grey observed a comet go towards, and seemingly disappear into, the moon. Upon seeing this, her cutiemark appeared. She never knew what it meant till she became a Royal Guard. She was destined to be a Lunar Guard, always has been. That comet appeared ever 100 years, and anypony who got a cutie-mark of a comet on that night was destined to serve Luna in some way.

Likes: Good books, music of any kind, home cooking, family, love, friends, and fun.

Dislikes: Ponies who look down on her for being in the guards, ponies who judge her for her past, ponies who act high and mighty because they are rich and 'have connections', and also ponies who break the law in any way for malicious intent.

Fears: Her loved ones dying because she couldn't save them, changelings, and anything having to do with clowns.

[Tiger]

Cutiemark: A beaten and bloody hoof with a protective force field in front of it.

Whoa, um, might want to remove the blood to keep things family friendly... 

Anyways, on to the other stuff. Might I ask what you mean by "Emotional Shield" in her backstory? Does it protect her from the emotions of others or something? That I don't quite understand. 

Second, I find the backstory very shallow.

Why was the colt she protected getting beaten up? Who was beating him up? Were they bullies that wanted his lunch money? Why did Grey Scale suddenly have a powerful spell? Couldn't she have used it before she was beaten up? Unless she had no control over her magic back then, of course...

How did she start owning the cafe "The House"? Did she inherit it? Did she buy it?

Why was she transferred through many homes when only one family adopted her? Did that family leave her to dust somewhere and she had to find her own home, and thus many of her homes were "harsh and cold"?

How did she get into the royal guards? Surely there was some kind of rigorous entrance exam, and how would she have handled that? Also (assuming she was abandoned), how would she have gotten the money to get to Canterlot? (unless she was already there)

Just some thinking points, I guess. Anyway, I really like her personality, it's quite unique C: Just a heads up, you might want to add some likes, dislikes and fears to her to add some depth. Apart from that, good job so far

[Greyscaleisme]

Cutiemark: A beaten and bloody hoof with a protective force field in front of it.

Whoa, um, might want to remove the blood to keep things family friendly... 

Anyways, on to the other stuff. Might I ask what you mean by "Emotional Shield" in her backstory? Does it protect her from the emotions of others or something? That I don't quite understand. 

Second, I find the backstory very shallow.

Why was the colt she protected getting beaten up? Who was beating him up? Were they bullies that wanted his lunch money? Why did Grey Scale suddenly have a powerful spell? Couldn't she have used it before she was beaten up? Unless she had no control over her magic back then, of course...

How did she start owning the cafe "The House"? Did she inherit it? Did she buy it?

Why was she transferred through many homes when only one family adopted her? Did that family leave her to dust somewhere and she had to find her own home, and thus many of her homes were "harsh and cold"?

How did she get into the royal guards? Surely there was some kind of rigorous entrance exam, and how would she have handled that? Also (assuming she was abandoned), how would she have gotten the money to get to Canterlot? (unless she was already there)

Just some thinking points, I guess. Anyway, I really like her personality, it's quite unique C: Just a heads up, you might want to add some likes, dislikes and fears to her to add some depth. Apart from that, good job so far

Eh sorry, I put this up around like 3:00 am or something, so I was more or less delirious.

[Tiger]

Hey, no worries, I'm just giving critique to help you improve your OC, that's all 

[Greyscaleisme]

Ahah, @Tiger she's finally done!

[zendayafan111]

omg hi its been so long
Ah, she seems amazing! I'm working on my new main oc right now, Grey has an interesting backstory c:!

[Greyscaleisme]

omg hi its been so long
Ah, she seems amazing! I'm working on my new main oc right now, Grey has an interesting backstory c:!

Thanks! It has been quite a while since I've seen you!

[Gracie Sky]

I was meaning to critique this OC for a while, but I kept pushing it off. Here it is anyway. Actually... this is more of a list of things I think should be improved upon.

I'd like to say this character has strong points, but you need to go more in depths on these points before I could consider them strong points. For example, her character would develop more if you could go into a little more detail about her magic and intelligence. I mean, for a pony who grew up in an orphanage with probably limited means of recieving an education, I'm questioning exactly how she became so smart? Was it from her parents that she just had a lot of natural talent? If so, it makes me wonder who her parents were, if they were so smart and yet they had to abbandon their child (under unknown circumstances). Did she just study in the orphanage a lot? If so, it would be helpful to point that out.

I'm not too thrilled about the concept of the pony version of the mob, especially after you describe them as cruel and violent. It sort of goes against everything MLP stands for. It's not a critical enough issue that I would say to revise that part of her story, but perhaps her involvement with the group should be revisited. She was raised by this mob because they saw potential in her to be profitable(?), but she turned them away when she was old enough to know better. Despite that, however, she allows her involvement with this mob to hang over her head. I suppose I could accept all that, though, since it is her choice, but one thing for sure I think needs a second look: this friend of hers. The one she let her secret be known to and whom revealed that secret the first chance he got. For somepony who is your "closest friend", I find that there needs to be a VERY good reason why he would hurt her like that, but such an explanation is not given. If there is a good explanation and you are simply withholding it for a later time, that's fine, but if event took place simply to move Grey Scale to Canterlot, I would express my difficulty in believing that this could occur in this context.

Her cutie mark also kind of raises some red flags for me. More specifically the fact that it represents her serving as a guard for Luna. It's true her talents seem to lie in being a guard, but not specifically Luna's guard. The fact that she got this cutie mark before becoming Luna's guard goes against how cutie marks are generally a reflection of a talent as the talent is being actively demonstrated. If she got this cutie mark AFTER becoming Luna's guard and realizing how satisfying the experience was, I wouldn't have a problem. The fact that she so happened to see a comet that appears every 100 years, which apparently forces the destiny of ponies who see it to "Luna's Guard", is difficult to believe. Of course, the way this story is structured, the only reason she made it into the guard was because the scouts noticed her cutie mark to be that of one destined to be in the guard. It's like the comet chose her destiny and not her. In light of this, I would highly recommend amending the circumstances behind the cutie mark and Grey Scales admittance into the Lunar Guard.

[Greyscaleisme]

I was meaning to critique this OC for a while, but I kept pushing it off. Here it is anyway. Actually... this is more of a list of things I think should be improved upon.

I'd like to say this character has strong points, but you need to go more in depths on these points before I could consider them strong points. For example, her character would develop more if you could go into a little more detail about her magic and intelligence. I mean, for a pony who grew up in an orphanage with probably limited means of recieving an education, I'm questioning exactly how she became so smart? Was it from her parents that she just had a lot of natural talent? If so, it makes me wonder who her parents were, if they were so smart and yet they had to abbandon their child (under unknown circumstances). Did she just study in the orphanage a lot? If so, it would be helpful to point that out.

I'm not too thrilled about the concept of the pony version of the mob, especially after you describe them as cruel and violent. It sort of goes against everything MLP stands for. It's not a critical enough issue that I would say to revise that part of her story, but perhaps her involvement with the group should be revisited. She was raised by this mob because they saw potential in her to be profitable(?), but she turned them away when she was old enough to know better. Despite that, however, she allows her involvement with this mob to hang over her head. I suppose I could accept all that, though, since it is her choice, but one thing for sure I think needs a second look: this friend of hers. The one she let her secret be known to and whom revealed that secret the first chance he got. For somepony who is your "closest friend", I find that there needs to be a VERY good reason why he would hurt her like that, but such an explanation is not given. If there is a good explanation and you are simply withholding it for a later time, that's fine, but if event took place simply to move Grey Scale to Canterlot, I would express my difficulty in believing that this could occur in this context.

Her cutie mark also kind of raises some red flags for me. More specifically the fact that it represents her serving as a guard for Luna. It's true her talents seem to lie in being a guard, but not specifically Luna's guard. The fact that she got this cutie mark before becoming Luna's guard goes against how cutie marks are generally a reflection of a talent as the talent is being actively demonstrated. If she got this cutie mark AFTER becoming Luna's guard and realizing how satisfying the experience was, I wouldn't have a problem. The fact that she so happened to see a comet that appears every 100 years, which apparently forces the destiny of ponies who see it to "Luna's Guard", is difficult to believe. Of course, the way this story is structured, the only reason she made it into the guard was because the scouts noticed her cutie mark to be that of one destined to be in the guard. It's like the comet chose her destiny and not her. In light of this, I would highly recommend amending the circumstances behind the cutie mark and Grey Scales admittance into the Lunar Guard.

Thanks for the critique! I would like to point out that the comet did not place her as a Lunar Guard, merely pointed out that she would be in the service of Luna in some way. Her intelligence could be considered natural, and it was 'bloomed' by being in the mob.

I can understand your aversion to the 'mob' idea, but I consider Grey to exist in a somewhat darker AU of MLP.

In my eyes, the comet didn't choose her destiny, as it merely pointed out the fact that she would serve Luna in some way.

Her 'best freind's reason for ratting her out was complicated, but I put it down to him actually being loyal to the mob.

Her reason for abandonment I am keeping mysterious, it's never going to be explained. I designed her to have some flaws, and one of them, is never being able to let go of the fact she was abandoned. I want to keep that in her, a wound that will never heal.

Anyway, thanks for the critique, @Gracie Sky !