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Author Topic: The Clone Wars: Friendship is Magic (Discussion)  (Read 795 times)

Offline Flagwaver

  • MLP:FiM is actually Spike's villain origin story!
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The Clone Wars: Friendship is Magic (Discussion)
« on: 2014 Jan 02, 00:39:56 »
Please use this thread to discuss the story The Clone Wars: Friendship is Magic!

I live on criticism, both negative and positive!

Offline Flagwaver

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Re: The Clone Wars: Friendship is Magic (Discussion)
« Reply #1 on: 2014 Jan 16, 14:18:17 »
I've posted the third journal entry. 

 D: CRITICIZE ME!!!  DD:

Offline Gracie Sky

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Re: The Clone Wars: Friendship is Magic (Discussion)
« Reply #2 on: 2014 Jan 16, 20:28:53 »
I've been reading since you first put it up, but since it appears that you need a bit of feedback, I'll give you my opinions.

I sorta skipped reading the second half of the first chapter because the first half really didn't get my attention, honestly... I'm not very knowledgeable with Star Wars lore (after episode 6 that is), nor am I interested in trying to figure out most of the references you make in the story. I'm not sure if the first chapter is there to establish the main character or to establish the circumstance around him getting teleported or whatnot to Equestria. Either way, I found the story far more interesting when he became a pony and was suddenly in a world unfamiliar with him, talking to creatures he would have never imagined talking to. It appears as though he is going to go through a lot of searching to discover why he was here in the first place, which makes me wonder if I missed something important in the first chapter. I would almost recommend integrating the first chapter into the second and third and so forth chapters, as sort of flashbacks of his memories, as they come back to him. This would allow you to start the story as a pony and introduce the Star Wars elements in a more controlled fashion.

Speaking of that, I would very much like to see such Star Wars elements actually being demonstrated. So far, Starfire has just been along for the ride of finding out how he got here while pondering the strange habits of the inhabitants of Equestria. His rank as a Jedi Knight has been established to the mane 6, but the caliber of his skills have yet to be even hinted at. All he has really done concerning the Force is read everypony else's attunement to the Force. Can he even use the Force as a pony? I know you can levitate things with the Force, so that would definitely be a good start. Yes, Twilight can also do that, but she credits her abilities to magic, and not the Force. In fact, that would be a good starting point for Starfire to attempt to explain the difference of the Force and magic to Twilight. I bet Twilight really wants to know (unless Starfire didn't actually mention the Force when explaining what Jedi were). Also, Lightsabers somewhere. Anywhere.
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Offline Flagwaver

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Re: The Clone Wars: Friendship is Magic (Discussion)
« Reply #3 on: 2014 Jan 17, 01:58:29 »
Gracie Sky, typically I do not do rewrites in the middle of a story, but I have been having a slight amount of stress over the opening of the story, and I believe that you have just cleared up what I need to do.  Thank you.

This will only take a little editing, but I am planning to add a short vignette before every other (or every, depending on how the planning pans out) story dealing with something Jedi-related that ties into the story.

As for lightsabers... just wait.  It is still a couple of months off, but it will arrive before you know it!

Offline Astranacus

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Re: The Clone Wars: Friendship is Magic (Discussion)
« Reply #4 on: 2014 Jan 17, 13:23:51 »
The story in questiong is against the forum rules and has been locked, it will remain so for a couple of days before being removed.

If you have any questions please PM me.

Post Merge
The story is going through the process of being ammended, thank you for cooperating it will now be unlocked so the changes can take place and it can continue.

Yours Sincerely

Astranacus
« Last Edit: 2014 Jan 18, 09:38:30 by Astranacus »

Offline Flagwaver

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Re: The Clone Wars: Friendship is Magic (Discussion)
« Reply #5 on: 2014 Jan 20, 11:50:20 »
The storyline is currently going through a small update to incorporate the suggestions of the Mod team.  It is also being made more pony-centric with the Jedi added (rather than the other way around).