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Author Topic: It's More Than Just A Cutie Mark (Discussion)  (Read 959 times)

Offline Enstramentall

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It's More Than Just A Cutie Mark (Discussion)
« on: 2013 Mar 29, 11:59:57 »
Hello, everypony! This is the discussion for my fanfic, It's More Than Just A Cutie Mark, found here: http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=6949.0
Honest thoughts and tips, please! I really want this fanfic to be as good as I can get it. ^-^
Hi! Hello! Hola! Benvenidos! Bonjour! Gutentag! :P I think you get the idea.

Offline Ryo_D_Disk

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Re: It's More Than Just A Cutie Mark (Discussion)
« Reply #1 on: 2013 Mar 30, 20:43:29 »
hmm A rather intresting premice so far and Im intrested to see how it may progress, the use of appleblooms strong emotions to the two fighting is handeled rather well but does come off as strong for such a minor argument which is a consern but Im assuming more will be explained in chapters to come

my only other little compaint is that although the naration as applebloom is nice and does work mostly but I personaly found certain naration rather (whats the word) strong and award to read I had to look twice at certain wording, But thats more likely a issue on how I read rather than the writting itself

Regardless Keep up the work and I look forward to reading more

Offline Gracie Sky

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Re: It's More Than Just A Cutie Mark (Discussion)
« Reply #2 on: 2013 Mar 30, 20:57:51 »
I would normally wait until you had more material to critique on, but what you have now does raise some concerns about your style.

I realize you are using first person narrative from Applebloom's perspective, but the accent and the misspellings due to that accent make it difficult to read the narration. It's fine for the dialogue, but I don't recommend her thinking in the same accent as she talks in. I would keep the narration as easy to read as possible while maintaining the narrating character's personality.

Also, you hardly made it 5 sentences before causing a drama explosion. There's not anywhere near enough development leading up to Applebloom bursting into tears, making the whole ordeal feel sudden. I also found it odd that the Cutie Mark Crusaders would recommend doing what their idol/older sister does. I would think they would have already considered that possibility before, unless of course the timeline of this event was nearer to the beginning of the Cutie Mark Crusaders's formation.
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Offline Enstramentall

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Re: It's More Than Just A Cutie Mark (Discussion)
« Reply #3 on: 2013 Mar 31, 00:28:51 »
I can see were these concerns would be raised, and I'll definitley take this into account. I agree about the accents and misspellings, so I'm going to keep it just in the dialogue.

As I said, the arguments and *cough* discord have been going on for a long time. That's why Applebloom burst into tears to easily. If you didn't catch the spoiler, I think you should read the story and the first sentance in the second paragraph for it.

I think this story may be fairly short, so I wanted one of the conflicts aware early on. I can see how this causes concern, and knew I'd have to explain.

Thank you for the help. I'll take it into concideration as I improve upon and continue my story.
Hi! Hello! Hola! Benvenidos! Bonjour! Gutentag! :P I think you get the idea.

Offline Gracie Sky

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Re: It's More Than Just A Cutie Mark (Discussion)
« Reply #4 on: 2013 Apr 02, 20:02:13 »
Don't have a character abbreviate Cutie Mark Crusaders unless they would actually abbreviate it. So far, I have never heard anypony sad "CMC" in the show. I may be mistaken, but I cannot recall such an occurrence.
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Offline Enstramentall

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Re: It's More Than Just A Cutie Mark (Discussion)
« Reply #5 on: 2013 Apr 02, 21:52:26 »
Mkay... just changed it...
Hi! Hello! Hola! Benvenidos! Bonjour! Gutentag! :P I think you get the idea.