2017 Jun 25, 01:23:42


Author Topic: Appreciation (Discussion)  (Read 1343 times)

Offline The Stars

  • If the endless dream guides your spirit, seize it!
    • View Profile
Appreciation (Discussion)
« on: 2013 Feb 06, 16:58:54 »
This is a small little poem I've been working on for the upcoming Valentine's Day. This... Isn't exactly accurate because A. I accidentally lost my original rough draft so I'm going purely off of memory and imagination here XD and B. There's still some things that need to be worked out. This was meant to be a part of a card for one special person who I... Well, I haven't admired before, but after getting to know each other professionally, I started drawing closer and closer to her. I don't know her feelings yet, but I feel the need to come out and open up to her. I've always been a shy guy, always afraid to tell my true emotions, but I want to be able to overcome that.

Anyways, this is meant to be a part of an art piece I'm doing and I want you guys to give me a little bit of feedback on this. I've never truly been the poetic type, but please, be FULLY honest with me. If there's anything wrong, address it to me.

Btw, I think the rhyme pattern is... Well, I think this is what we call Free Verse? Correct me if I'm wrong; might be Blank Verse instead.


Appreciation
- Octavius C

For so little time I've known you, but I've already found so much to be appreciative of.
This might sound a bit sappy; I'm still under the curse of shyness
But, I mustered up what courage I could and let my thoughts flow out into text
I want to break this curse and for you, show my amorousness.

I appreciate your fairness when we converse
How you're always straightforward without withholding what you're truly thinking
In all honesty, It makes me quite envious of you,
for you're always able to freely express your emotions without sugarcoating.

I appreciate the valued fellowship you've gifted me
I always feel at peace after we speak.
What was once anguish and acrimony now becomes pure bliss
My only question is "Why did it take us so long to first meet?"

I appreciate that you're a talented young lady, and you stay true to yourself.
You're not one to so easily complain, insult, or show-off.
I feel its an element vacant in too many of us.
But it just goes to show how your benign spirit doesn't wear off.


You may ask why did I not send you a simple rose or some nice chocolates
They are generic, overused; inadequate vessels for my true emotions.
The Hibiscus I present for your wild, exotic, alluring, and unique nature.
And the piece of hard candy for being luscious and adamantine.

Our knowledge of each other is minimal , and it may hinder my chances,
But through a dark hole in my heart, you always seem to shine
And with that being said, there's just one more question to be read :


Will you be my Valentine?




I'd like to personally thank Detective Woona for helping me finish this poem. In all honesty, without him, I never would have made something this amazing, and I thank him so much for helping me in my time of need. If you ever need anything that needs help, Woona, be my guest.
« Last Edit: 2013 Feb 07, 16:05:00 by The Stars »
Heads up!

// Thanks a lot Tiger! :D

Offline Detective Woona

  • It's adorasynthesis, my dear Watson.
    • View Profile
Re: Appreciation (Discussion)
« Reply #1 on: 2013 Feb 06, 18:49:57 »
I'm a little out of my element here, being a Sonnet sort of guy, but I'll give it a go. Here's some suggestions.

Stanza 1, Line 1: That first line is rather...verbose. I assume that's to maintain the form.
Stanza 2, Line 2: Instead of 'to and not hold back' consider 'without withholding.' It will add one syllable to that line.
Stanza 2, Line 4: You may consider taking out the starting 'In.' This would create a parallel between Lines 2 and 4, and give them the same number of syllables, following my previous suggestion.
Stanza 3, Line 3: Sorrow is capitalised but anger and glee are not. Is that intentional?
Stanza 4, Line 4: 'Your' not 'You're.'
Stanza 5, Line 3: Perhaps 'present' instead of 'give'? Also, is 'as a human being' entirely necessary? Not too romantic sounding, is all.
Stanza 5, Line 4: I feel it could be worded better.  'For being so sweet, yet adamant.' I hate the word because.
Stanza 6, Line 3: I feel you intended this to be metered. I recommend adding 'And' at the beginning, removing the first comma, and the word 'more,' for that Zecora couplet feel.

As this is indeed free verse, you can literally do whatever you want with it. Though if you ask me, free verse is harder to pull off well than just about everything else. It is structure, without form; elegant prose is another term I've heard.
Overall, it sounds very essay-like to me. Which I assume is because I am indeed a Sonnet guy, and know next to nothing about free form poetry. So, feel free to ignore any and all suggestions I've made. My feelings won't be hurt in the slightest.

Oh, and I always recommend a thesaurus for any poetic excursion. Not all words are created equal. Some sound and look far prettier than others.
Good luck, Stars!  :D
Steam Name: The Bird Lion
MC Name: Stalwart_Shield

Mmmm, quite.

Offline The Stars

  • If the endless dream guides your spirit, seize it!
    • View Profile
Re: Appreciation (Discussion)
« Reply #2 on: 2013 Feb 06, 19:11:15 »
I'm a little out of my element here, being a Sonnet sort of guy, but I'll give it a go. Here's some suggestions.

Stanza 1, Line 1: That first line is rather...verbose. I assume that's to maintain the form.
Stanza 2, Line 2: Instead of 'to and not hold back' consider 'without withholding.' It will add one syllable to that line.
Stanza 2, Line 4: You may consider taking out the starting 'In.' This would create a parallel between Lines 2 and 4, and give them the same number of syllables, following my previous suggestion.
Stanza 3, Line 3: Sorrow is capitalised but anger and glee are not. Is that intentional?
Stanza 4, Line 4: 'Your' not 'You're.'
Stanza 5, Line 3: Perhaps 'present' instead of 'give'? Also, is 'as a human being' entirely necessary? Not too romantic sounding, is all.
Stanza 5, Line 4: I feel it could be worded better.  'For being so sweet, yet adamant.' I hate the word because.
Stanza 6, Line 3: I feel you intended this to be metered. I recommend adding 'And' at the beginning, removing the first comma, and the word 'more,' for that Zecora couplet feel.

As this is indeed free verse, you can literally do whatever you want with it. Though if you ask me, free verse is harder to pull off well than just about everything else. It is structure, without form; elegant prose is another term I've heard.
Overall, it sounds very essay-like to me. Which I assume is because I am indeed a Sonnet guy, and know next to nothing about free form poetry. So, feel free to ignore any and all suggestions I've made. My feelings won't be hurt in the slightest.

Oh, and I always recommend a thesaurus for any poetic excursion. Not all words are created equal. Some sound and look far prettier than others.
Good luck, Stars!  :D

XD about the 1st line, That's a common mistake for me :V I can try backtracking and deleting and rewording that.

XD The capitalization issues are... Well, kinda of a mistake I always make when I type :U. I usually type so fast I don't really think about the grammar and spelling at times. Stanza 4 line 4... I looked at it several times but I can't see an error there. "Your always" Doesn't really work here since Always is an adverb and it isn't capable of being possessed :U "You're Always = You are always" feels like it fits better there. Scratch that, I read that whole thing wrong :U

Stanza 6 line 3, that was actually intended XD.

To be honest, you actually might be right on my writing style @.@ I'm able to do essays more easily.

:U I wish I had my original writing so I know what the hay did I write before I put it up here! Also... I'm also not really the guy who's used to romance XD I'd actually love trying to be, but I hardly know anything about HOW to be romantic :U

Anyways, thanks for your input Woona :D And Good luck with your blog. XD I honestly love your blog's humor; it has that creative/cleverness mixed together with complete nonsense. (Take the event at the prom >.> )
« Last Edit: 2013 Feb 06, 19:42:14 by The Stars »
Heads up!

// Thanks a lot Tiger! :D

Offline Detective Woona

  • It's adorasynthesis, my dear Watson.
    • View Profile
Re: Appreciation (Discussion)
« Reply #3 on: 2013 Feb 06, 22:14:03 »
Anyways, thanks for your input Woona :D And Good luck with your blog. XD I honestly love your blog's humor; it has that creative/cleverness mixed together with complete nonsense. (Take the event at the prom >.> )

.....
Wrong Woona.   lol

I see you edited the poem already. I like some of the new words, but for that first line, abridged doesn't work. How about something like this: 'Though I've known you for so little time, I've found so very much to appreciate.'
Stanza 1, Line 2: Try 'towards' instead of 'for.'
Stanza 2, Line 2 : You can take the 'and' out.
Stanza 4, Line 3: Typo. Also, I suggest 'many' instead of 'lot.'
Stanza 4, Line 4: Maybe 'steadfast' or 'blithe' instead of 'blessed'? Within the context of that line and stanza, 'blessed' doesn't seem the best choice.
Stanza 5, Line 2:  lol This one just occurred to me, 'inadequate vessels for my true emotions' instead of 'my true emotions wouldn't have been sent.' Just a thought.
Stanza 5, Line 4: Something other than 'alas,' unless you mean to lament her sweetness.
Stanza 6, Line 1: 'Our time was short' suggests that it is over. Try 'Our time together has been short.'
Also, I c wut u did thar, Mr. Couplets.
Just tell me to go away if I'm bothering you with all this. I like helping too much.
Steam Name: The Bird Lion
MC Name: Stalwart_Shield

Mmmm, quite.

Offline The Stars

  • If the endless dream guides your spirit, seize it!
    • View Profile
Re: Appreciation (Discussion)
« Reply #4 on: 2013 Feb 06, 22:49:03 »
Anyways, thanks for your input Woona :D And Good luck with your blog. XD I honestly love your blog's humor; it has that creative/cleverness mixed together with complete nonsense. (Take the event at the prom >.> )

.....
Wrong Woona.   lol

I see you edited the poem already. I like some of the new words, but for that first line, abridged doesn't work. How about something like this: 'Though I've known you for so little time, I've found so very much to appreciate.'
Stanza 1, Line 2: Try 'towards' instead of 'for.'
Stanza 2, Line 2 : You can take the 'and' out.
Stanza 4, Line 3: Typo. Also, I suggest 'many' instead of 'lot.'
Stanza 4, Line 4: Maybe 'steadfast' or 'blithe' instead of 'blessed'? Within the context of that line and stanza, 'blessed' doesn't seem the best choice.
Stanza 5, Line 2:  lol This one just occurred to me, 'inadequate vessels for my true emotions' instead of 'my true emotions wouldn't have been sent.' Just a thought.
Stanza 5, Line 4: Something other than 'alas,' unless you mean to lament her sweetness.
Stanza 6, Line 1: 'Our time was short' suggests that it is over. Try 'Our time together has been short.'
Also, I c wut u did thar, Mr. Couplets.
Just tell me to go away if I'm bothering you with all this. I like helping too much.

XD I had to laugh at that part, but please, be my guest Woona. Your help is very much appreciated :D ... and DARNIT XD There are too many Woonas >.> But in all seriousness, I am very thankful you're offering your best to help me out :P

As for line 5, I kinda wanted to keep it to where there's a word rhyming with Adamant... For some reason I like the sound of that word XD. I hope I can find a word to top adamant :U
For Stanza fooour.... Hmmm.... Will Reputable work? And btw, now that you mentioned my typo, It somehow made me forget the difference between It's and its XD

I'll have to work on this in the morning though @.@ I gotta get to bed before my grandmother starts yelling.

Hm, 2nd Edit done with. How's it going so far? Oh, and I got to keep the word adamant XD Well, a form of it.
« Last Edit: 2013 Feb 07, 06:41:59 by The Stars »
Heads up!

// Thanks a lot Tiger! :D

Offline Detective Woona

  • It's adorasynthesis, my dear Watson.
    • View Profile
Re: Appreciation (Discussion)
« Reply #5 on: 2013 Feb 07, 15:29:13 »
For Stanza fooour.... Hmmm.... Will Reputable work? And btw, now that you mentioned my typo, It somehow made me forget the difference between It's and its XD
Hm, 2nd Edit done with. How's it going so far? Oh, and I got to keep the word adamant XD Well, a form of it.
Hmm....'reputable' doesn't really work either. I say this because, assuming all lines in stanza 4 are intended to be related, that descriptive word doesn't reflect the aforementioned qualities of  "not one to so easily complain, insult, or show-off." You are looking for a word which sums up these traits to describe her spirit. Also, adamant is a good word.

Here's how I remember 'its' and 'it's':
Spoiler
<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yc2udEpyPpU" target="_blank">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yc2udEpyPpU</a>


Stanza 1, Line 1: I believe you are missing an 'of' at the end.
Stanza 1, Line 2: 'For' isn't the droid you are looking for. If you invert the sentence, you get: 'I was always driven for shyness.' Not much sense does it make, when inverted read. You need a word better connecting 'driven' and 'shyness.'

Other than that, it's looking good.   ^-^
Have some padding on standby, she's going to get swept off her feet.
                             
Steam Name: The Bird Lion
MC Name: Stalwart_Shield

Mmmm, quite.

Offline The Stars

  • If the endless dream guides your spirit, seize it!
    • View Profile
Re: Appreciation (Discussion)
« Reply #6 on: 2013 Feb 07, 15:44:11 »
Other than that, it's looking good.   ^-^
Have some padding on standby, she's going to get swept off her feet.
                             


XD Now I'm blushing  very hard. But thanks a lot Detective, I won't forget how much help you've been :D
Heads up!

// Thanks a lot Tiger! :D