My OC, White Prism

[White Prism]

Name: White Prism

Age: 19

Specie: Unicorn

Gender: Male

Appareance: White body, with white hair and green stripes. Ever wear black glasses. Have green eyes and looks kinda grumpy.



Cutie Mark: Green alchemic symbol.



Backstory: Orphaned for as long as he can remember, White Prism is kind of shy when it comes to communication with other ponies, since he doesn't know how to interact well with them, and he is usually serious and focused on his work.
While living on his own, he found that alchemy was his natural talent and that it was was a very useful way to channel, focus and project his magic and enchance it to other purposes, such as creating new spells and crafting  tonics, medicines and potions. He can also transmute things into other items. He has a faster mental process than most ponies that lets him analyze situations or problems more quickly and find a way to solve them. He can draw alchemical circles for multiple purposes including reinforced defense, healing area for sick ponies, or summoning random critters, and many others.  It is hard for him to open to others and he may still look grumpy  while trying to being friendly. If he befriends you, you can always count with him, since he loves to help anyone in need, and to be loyal to his friends.

[Jade Mask 114]

I like him 

[White Prism]

Then you like me  (Beside the story, im like that) Thanks  *Hugs and give another cupcake* Wanted to make it unique in his own way

[Jade Mask 114]

thanks again  my O.C. page link is in my sig

[White Prism]

Ill check it right now 

[Jade Mask 114]

 

[The Silent Wolf]

I really like him, especially his Cutiemark. Also, being a grammar lover there are some places that could use some touching up on grammar.

[Jade Mask 114]

 

[White Prism]

English is my 3rd lenguage, I know I can polish it, still, I try to do my best 

[Jade Mask 114]

English is my 3rd lenguage, I know I can polish it, still, I try to do my best 

oh

[The Silent Wolf]

English is my 3rd lenguage, I know I can polish it, still, I try to do my best 

It's my 1st language so I could help you with the grammar.

[White Prism]

Eeyup
1st lenguage Spanish
2nd lenguage Valenciano (from Valencia inside Spain, since I live here had to learn...but never use it)
3rd lenguage english

And thanks, it can be polished but I think at last is understandable.

[Jade Mask 114]

Eeyup
1st lenguage Spanish
2nd lenguage Valenciano (from Valencia inside Spain, since I live here had to learn...but never use it)
3rd lenguage english

And thanks, it can be polished but I think at last is understandable.

yes

[Jenzy]

Ah, nice. Besides "Glasses Pony, Yay ", interesting start on his story.

Too much power... uh, make sure you don't go that far. Certain people don't like it if a pony overpowers even Twilight Sparkle. But as long as it's balanced, I guess you're OK there.

Always loyal. I like it

[Morning Glory]

Spoiler: show

Name: White Prism

Age: 19

Specie: Unicorn

Gender: Male

Appearance: White body, with white hair and green stripes. Always wears black glasses. He has green eyes and looks kinda grumpy.



Cutie Mark: Green alchemical symbol.



Backstory: Orphaned for as long as he can remember, White Prism is kind of shy when it comes to communication with other ponies, since he doesn't know how to interact well with them, and he is usually serious and focused on his work.
While living on his own, he found that had too much power inside him, so much so that he is afraid of use it more than one or two times daily in case it gets out his control. He is able to create all sort of medicines, tonics, materials. He can also transmute things into other items, as well instantly cast whatever spell he has in mind. Also, he can draw alchemical circles for multiple purposes including reinforced defense, healing area for sick ponies, or summoning random critters. It is hard for him to open to others and he may still look grumpy  while trying to being friendly. If he befriends you, you can always count with him, since he loves to help anyone in need, and to be loyal to his friends.

Proofread for you. It's now much easier for us English speakers to read.



Overall, I'd say he's overpowered. Particularly "instantly cast whatever spell he has in mind". Even Twilight Sparkle has to consult her books and concentrate and practice. And potion making is done a lot around here too. Same thing with orphans- I think there may actually be more OCs without families than with around here. He could just be a loner as opposed to being without a family entirely. Besides, how could he know all this magic if there was no one to teach him? I have trouble believing he taught it all to himself.

I would remove some of his extra abilities, cut back on the "so much power he's afraid to use it" and focus on his enchanted circles more. That's a new idea, and I like it. Even the greatest amount of raw power is useless without a good application, and it's not very creative either. I think this pony would be better if you let him have a normal amount of power and instead let him invent new and clever ways to use it, like with his enchanted circles. That's what makes this pony stand out, so I would highlight it and try to develop it more. I can think of lots of useful circles that he could work with. One that freezes everything inside, one that hides or disguises ponies inside it, one that creates mud or quicksand. There are a lot of possibilities! It's definitely a cool idea and one that you should focus on as what sets your pony apart, instead of loading him with overpowered abilities like so many other OCs.

[White Prism]

[spoiler]

Thanks for the critice  No one teached him, but the experience of live and survival, necessity is a great teacher. About the Orphaned thing, he remember nothing but him since the start of his memory, that's why I tought about making it an orphan and not a loner. And yes, the circles is both an application of alchemy and magic together for make new magic or powers, the raw magic is good, but a mean of focusing or amplification as alchemic circles and runes is never bad in my opinion, they can even help into a faster cast form. About the power part, it was meant as experience and the fact is afraid of the magic inside him, since he dont want to harm  anypony. But ill follow the tips and take off the part appointed.

[Morning Glory]

I'll be happy to proofread any changes you make if you'd like.

[White Prism]

Well, there, I maked some changes. Hope you like them 

[Morning Glory]

That is much better. Now he's a much more believable character. I think you'll have a lot more luck in the RP boards now. Well done! I like him a lot. An original concept for a talent and a sweet little personality. Very nice!


Here's a few quick clean-ups of your changes. This way, RP leaders wont have any trouble evaluating your character when you apply to join.

Spoiler: show

Orphaned for as long as he can remember, White Prism is kind of shy when it comes to communication with other ponies, since he doesn't know how to interact well with them, and he is usually serious and focused on his work.
While living on his own, he found that alchemy was his natural talent and that it was was a very useful way to channel, focus and project his magic and enchance it to other purposes, such as creating new spells and crafting  tonics, medicines and potions. He can also transmute things into other items. He has a faster mental process than most ponies that lets him analyze situations or problems more quickly and find a way to solve them. He can draw alchemical circles for multiple purposes including reinforced defense, healing area for sick ponies, or summoning random critters, and many others.  It is hard for him to open to others and he may still look grumpy  while trying to being friendly. If he befriends you, you can always count with him, since he loves to help anyone in need, and to be loyal to his friends.

[White Prism]

Thanks, im glad you like it  And also thanks for proofread it, as I appointed before, english is my 3rd lenguage (and yet im one of the few people on spain what can say he is good in....) and I try my best when come to writte properly