2017 Jun 25, 01:24:23


Author Topic: (Discussion) Honest to Goodness  (Read 1778 times)

Offline Gracie Sky

  • Ready for some Imagination?
    • View Profile
(Discussion) Honest to Goodness
« on: 2013 Jan 17, 01:27:57 »
This will be the place to go to for any discussion regarding the storyline of Honest to Goodness. This includes:

-The Eyes of Fluttershy
-The Eyes of Twilight Sparkle ((Currently in progress))
-The Mysteries of Gracie Sky

Any and all feedback is welcome, so feel free to speak your mind.
« Last Edit: 2014 Mar 04, 19:40:55 by Gracie Sky »
Character Critique Thread

Have your OC fairly and honestly evaluated!

Offline Midnight Breeze

  • Earth ponies are best ponies!
    • View Profile
Re: (Discussion) Honest to Goodness
« Reply #1 on: 2013 Jan 17, 20:58:22 »
First let me say you need to ALWAYS specify who is talking before or after every quote. It's way too easy to get confused as to who is saying what if you don't, especially if there are more than two characters in the conversation. Also, skipping lines between paragraphs helps readability a lot and avoids the unwanted wall-of-text appearance.


There's not yet enough known about the plot to call anything out about it, just two things I noticed.

It's a bit odd that the first thing a military commander thought of when told about the commit was a museum. I'd expect it from a scholar or scientist, like Twilight. But I wouldn't expect a commander to be so dead-set on claiming a museum artifact.

Second, the argument between the pegasi and Luna seemed kind of unreal. As a Princess of Equestria Luna should have total authority over what happens to the commit, yes the commander argues with her and calls her names right to her face as if he's her equal.

Either way, I'd like to see some information about Gracie (whom I'm assuming is the baby pegasus) revealed. Kind of bizarre for a foal to randomly fall from the sky and survive the impact. Is she an alien?

Offline Gracie Sky

  • Ready for some Imagination?
    • View Profile
Re: (Discussion) Honest to Goodness
« Reply #2 on: 2013 Jan 17, 22:12:27 »
I'll reconsider the formatting for the dialogues after I finish.

It's part of Commander Render's overachieving nature to want everything under his jurisdiction to be "perfect", including his museum. No detail is too small on his quest for perfection. I will look for ways to make his obsession over perfection more obvious.

There is no argument between Commander Render and Princess Luna, since Princess Luna is not currently present at the scene. Sir Bratwurst is the one carrying out Luna's command to investigate the scene, so the Commander has no issue arguing with her attendant.

And regarding the baby pegasus... yeah, we'll get there. Still have a lot to develop and it's going to take some time to properly develop her story.
Character Critique Thread

Have your OC fairly and honestly evaluated!

Offline Midnight Breeze

  • Earth ponies are best ponies!
    • View Profile
Re: (Discussion) Honest to Goodness
« Reply #3 on: 2013 Jan 18, 00:12:43 »
There is no argument between Commander Render and Princess Luna, since Princess Luna is not currently present at the scene. Sir Bratwurst is the one carrying out Luna's command to investigate the scene, so the Commander has no issue arguing with her attendant.

Oh, don't know why I was thinking Luna was there. Critical Failure on my part.

Offline Gracie Sky

  • Ready for some Imagination?
    • View Profile
Re: (Discussion) Honest to Goodness
« Reply #4 on: 2013 Jan 31, 22:58:20 »
With the looming threat of Twilight becoming an Alicorn Princess and the fact that my story assumes a Unicorn Twilight, I'll have to proceed with caution when progressing with the story as it is now.

If this Princess thing is permanent and she is raised to the same level as Princess Celestia, it could drastically shift the perspective of a lot of the cast concerning Twilight Sparkle. She is the main character of the story, so I need to be sure I know who I'm dealing with.
Character Critique Thread

Have your OC fairly and honestly evaluated!

Offline Midnight Breeze

  • Earth ponies are best ponies!
    • View Profile
Re: (Discussion) Honest to Goodness
« Reply #5 on: 2013 Feb 01, 02:07:52 »
Rather than trying to keep up with everything, it would be a lot easier on you to just choose a spot in the canon story that the story is assumed to take place.

You could say that it happened between episodes 9 and 10 of season 3, for example.

Offline Gracie Sky

  • Ready for some Imagination?
    • View Profile
Re: (Discussion) Honest to Goodness
« Reply #6 on: 2013 Feb 07, 22:59:19 »
Well... I won't know if I have to cut it off at that point until we know if there's a reason to cut it off there :P

It doesn't change that much, anyways. Twilight Sparkle will still be the main character and still perform the same roles. I think the main things that will change will be the existence of wings and a title of princess. I doubt Twilight herself will change, nor will her friends' view of her.

Oh, the story of Gracie is being paused until more of the story from the perspective of other characters is revealed. Gracie's story so far was to introduce the situation Gracie Sky inherits. It'll be up to Twilight Sparkle and Fluttershy to discover what really happened and who Gracie Sky is, a tale that can only be told from their perspective. Once/if they figure it out, the end result will be told from Gracie's point of view. Until then, Gracie will be amusing readers with her misadventures and "accidents" while she is travelling with Fluttershy.
Character Critique Thread

Have your OC fairly and honestly evaluated!

Offline Gracie Sky

  • Ready for some Imagination?
    • View Profile
Re: (Discussion) Honest to Goodness
« Reply #7 on: 2013 Feb 16, 17:50:01 »
Hasbro is being very mean to the story. I've picked up on the rumors that the finale is like the first part of a three part series and we won't get to see the other 2 parts until the next season, so I'm not even sure if how permanent the events of the finale are, considering the speculation going around. I don't know whether to keep Twilight as a Unicorn or Alicorn, so I will have to compromise.

The story will progress under the assumption that Twilight Sparkle remains a Unicorn. However, many of her actions will be interchangeable, meaning both types of Twilights could be seen doing this without being out of character. Granted, we've only seen about 8 minutes worth of Alicorn Twilight, I have a suspicion that she hasn't changed at all. My main concern is making sure Unicorn Twilight doesn't do anything that would be "unprincess-like" until we know more about the subject. I'll trust my judgment of that.
Character Critique Thread

Have your OC fairly and honestly evaluated!

Offline Midnight Breeze

  • Earth ponies are best ponies!
    • View Profile
Re: (Discussion) Honest to Goodness
« Reply #8 on: 2013 Feb 16, 19:52:37 »
I'd hardly worry about making Twilight unprincesslike. Celestia herself is hardly posh; she just acts like anypony else for the most part.

Offline Ryo_D_Disk

  • Moderator
  • *
  • Because British
    • View Profile
Re: (Discussion) Honest to Goodness
« Reply #9 on: 2013 Mar 25, 19:54:22 »
its a very nice story Ive just finished reading through what is there and I enjoyed it, the portrail of fluttershy is very good and the way the charaters interact seems natural and I must admit my fondness of the pinkie pie zombie plan

Offline Gracie Sky

  • Ready for some Imagination?
    • View Profile
Re: (Discussion) Honest to Goodness
« Reply #10 on: 2013 Mar 26, 20:16:01 »
 ^-^ Thank you very much for taking the time to read it.

I normally put up a new chapter once a week, maybe more or less, dependent on how I feel at the time. But I'm glad I'm on the right track concerning the characters' personalities.
Character Critique Thread

Have your OC fairly and honestly evaluated!

Offline Ryo_D_Disk

  • Moderator
  • *
  • Because British
    • View Profile
Re: (Discussion) Honest to Goodness
« Reply #11 on: 2013 Mar 26, 20:33:55 »
well i shall do my best to keep watching and being updated (oh i wish there was a way to just watch a topic without leaving a message in it )

but ive decided to slowly read through most of the storys in this area for fun, and I must admit yours is the first ive read and its given me good confidance about the rest. (not that im saying any pony is bad in the slightest)

Offline Gracie Sky

  • Ready for some Imagination?
    • View Profile
Re: (Discussion) Honest to Goodness
« Reply #12 on: 2013 May 16, 22:37:17 »
Does anypony know anything about fimfiction.net? I was contemplating posting my story there, for some professional reviewing, but I'd feel more confident if somepony who was familiar with it would recommend it to me. I looked at it myself and it kinda struck me as a place where all the PG13 and above stories seem to end up. It's a little intimidating.  :c
Character Critique Thread

Have your OC fairly and honestly evaluated!

Offline Wanderer D

  • I can't believe I'm still hungry.
    • View Profile
Re: (Discussion) Honest to Goodness
« Reply #13 on: 2014 Apr 19, 11:29:18 »
Does anypony know anything about fimfiction.net? I was contemplating posting my story there, for some professional reviewing, but I'd feel more confident if somepony who was familiar with it would recommend it to me. I looked at it myself and it kinda struck me as a place where all the PG13 and above stories seem to end up. It's a little intimidating.  :c

I can tell you that it can be intimidating but that that shouldn't put you off. There's all sorts of stories there, like you say PG13 and up, but there's filters to keep the mature stuff out of sight.

Other than that? Well, the type of story you write will usually attract the type of people that enjoy them. So for your story I wouldn't worry too much about trolls and such. You can give me a shout if you get in trouble and I'll make sure something's done about it.

Fimfic offers a lot of really good reviewers. WRITE members are particularly honest about stories and have very specific guidelines about reviewing. Usually they'll give you an extensive review with positive and negative feedback/observations. You can look at reviews from each reviewer to see their style before you ask them to take a look at your story. If they seem too harsh or too mellow, there's other members willing to help.

I gave the Fluttershy chapter a read through, and I can tell it's an interesting story already. I noticed a couple of typos, but I think what drew my attention was how incredibly self-aware Fluttershy was of her mental process.

Phrases like "With this question in my mind" are usually reserved for more immediate/tense issues, not necessarily Flutters waking up in the morning and wondering how she feels today. Unless she has a weird feeling that she can't identify.

Also, on that same first section, while you keep the mellow/shy tone well, I doubt she would feel weird repeating herself too many times, given she has to do it every so often. Maybe she would feel... sheepish? Or if it's something that bothers her about herself, frustrated.

Which brings me to another part I noticed... There was a point where Fluttershy starts shouting (as in, excited) I'd argue that Flutters never shouts, but, when she gets in that type of mood, she speaks loud enough to be heard and with all traces of her shyness gone (before reverting.)

Anyway, just a couple of thoughts, I'll read the rest of the story later, but like I said, don't be afraid of fimfic.