2017 Mar 27, 12:25:48

Author Topic: King Equestrius: The Discussion  (Read 907 times)

Offline GalvinRoe

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King Equestrius: The Discussion
« on: 2012 Nov 08, 04:12:27 »
The Story: http://forum.legendsofequestria.com/index.php?topic=5548.0

And here we are:  the discussion.

Please leave critiques, criticisms, likes and dislikes. Your honest opinion, if you would. I want to improve as a writer but I must know my faults.

Thanks, in advance :3.

- Your friend, Galvin Roe.

Offline GalvinRoe

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Anonymous Critique
« Reply #1 on: 2012 Dec 24, 13:09:51 »
 An anonymous critique from a very kind fellow. Thank you for taking your time to read my story, then give a detailed critique on it. I appreciate it.

Hello GalvinRoe!

An excellent story you have going there! I hope I can read the rest of it soon, but I guess I'll have to discuss this now, eh? I don't like doing that, but, oh well. Here goes: (I pay a lot of attention to details and might not even type a helpful critique.)

- Layout

Let's begin with the begin. The titles:
- Chapter 1: No whitespace underneath title. Question mark in title.
- Chapter 2: No complaints.
- Chapter 3: Error with the bold. Not the same as title outside of spoiler.
- Chapter 4: No bold. Not centered.
Details! Terribly sorry.

A second thing I'd like to mention would be your use of whitespaces and paragraphs. In the first chapter there are no whitespaces to be found at all, whereas the other chapters have a lot of them. Too many, even, creating paragraphs of one sentence. (We don't like that, do we?)
It seems to me like you used a new paragraph anytime a new pony became subject of speech or description. That is completely unnecessary; several ponies can take part in one topic.
par·a·graph  (pr-grf)
1. A distinct division of written or printed matter that begins on a new, usually indented line, consists of one or more sentences, and typically deals with a single thought or topic or quotes one speaker's continuous words.
So, it's not about the ponies, it's about what is currently going on. Like a chapter is a part of the book, the paragraph is a part of the chapter. Make them bigger, it's more fun to read and easier to keep track of where you are as a reader. (Really, I had some problems with that.)

The next thing I could say something about is really small and barely worth mentioning. It's only a deal in chapter 4.
I don't know what these things are called, so I'll give an example of what you did:
           The king felt under his eyes, his skin was beginning to feel loose. Those dark lines symbolized the decline of his powers, others would hardly of noticed but he could read the signs and Grendin had seen them too.
                 It meant the time for procrastination was over, decency and charity would not save Equestria.
                 Lord Equestrius came to lay his soft pearl mane on his friend's shoulder. “Are you going to read that message sent by Grendin?”

The spaces you put in front of your sentences. I'm not sure why you used them. Not that they're a bad thing, but could you keep the same distance if you are to use them multiple times? It's a little confusing when reading.

Don't worry, I have positive things to say, too. Like the "---" you used to show a change of place in the story. I really liked that and even used it in this post to show things from outside my post (Only I used a lot more lines.)! Aside from that, I like that you put spaces between the dots in your ellipses; it may be me, but they give more meaning to the ellipsis.

A final thing I could say about layout would be letters. You used a parchment in chapter four, so I'll just mention this: Use italic for written messages. I think it's more a personal thing, so you really don't have to do it.

- Spelling

Yes, they're annoying and inevitable. Spelling mistakes: you made them; and a lot more than I expected from you, really. I could reread the story and point them out, but it's late and I'm tired. Besides, learning from your mistakes gets you further than being corrected, I believe.
I'm not going to be a grammar nazi and kill you because of these, but I'm just pointing out that you should always be careful.

- Storyline

Now for the actual content. Let's finally hear what I have to say about what may come, and not was has already been.
To start off, after a lot of critique, I'm sure you'd like to hear some nice things, don't you? Well, you're in luck! The story itself was fantastic. I like how the princesses are the center of attention, and even in some sort of danger, rather than somepony solving things on his own. If Celestia and Luna are helpless, then it'll require the combined efforts of all the ponies in Equestria to resolve this crisis. I don't know what you have planned for this story, but it has a lot of potential and, like I said, I can't wait to read the rest of it!

But, nothing is perfect. Which is good and bad, but let's not start a philosophical debate here.
What I did not like about your story was that it didn't take me away into a land of imagination. Usually when I read a book, I can visualize the story, the landscapes, the buildings and the characters. In your story, however, this wasn't the case; only Arin was being described well enough to give myself an image (Of course I knew what the characters from the show look like, but I hope you get my point.).
I'm not sure if it's incompletion in your words that brings lack of imagination. Perhaps you should reread and retype it, use a different way to describe things.

- Overall

I liked the story. It really caught my attention and I wanted to continue reading for the entire time I was, but I guess I expected too much from you and now I am slightly disappointed. It's not your fault, my expectations were just extremely high, and you still managed to nearly meet those.
Congratulations on your story and here's your final score:
 - 7,5/10

Your friend.