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Author Topic: (Discussion) A New Breeze  (Read 3559 times)

Offline Midnight Breeze

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(Discussion) A New Breeze
« on: 2012 Oct 02, 02:00:48 »
Doubt anyone cares to comment, but here's your obligatory discussion thread!

Story
« Last Edit: 2012 Oct 02, 20:45:12 by Midnight Breeze »

Offline Repor Fixup

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Re: (Discussion) A New Breeze
« Reply #1 on: 2012 Oct 02, 09:55:45 »
It would help more if both the Discussion and the Story linked to each other, wouldn't it?
Thanks for the drawing, Tiger.

I love to fly around and fix things with my hammer.

Offline Midnight Breeze

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Re: (Discussion) A New Breeze
« Reply #2 on: 2012 Oct 02, 20:45:29 »
It would help more if both the Discussion and the Story linked to each other, wouldn't it?

Have it your way, picky-pants.

Offline Repor Fixup

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A New Breeze Chapter 1-1 Review
« Reply #3 on: 2012 Oct 03, 06:10:14 »
Have it your way, picky-pants.
Well excuuuse me for suggesting something that would make things more convenient. Anyway, here's my review of the story.

This story seems to be about an ultra-timid techno-nerd Earth Pony moving into Ponyville. Well, moving into Ponyville is not what his story's about, but it's pretty much all he does at this time. But it's like that for a very good reason, and that reason is explaining the background of the character that the story is about. He's a city pony that was born and raised in Fillydelphia by his mother. Fluttershy Midnight seemed to be sensitive, shy, and was always picked on as a colt, so he wasn't exactly the type of pony that's good at socializing with other ponies.

He also has been working at a dead-end job at a place called... Tock Clocks? I am guessing that's a place where they make clocks, and nothing else? Kinda like how Quills and Sofas only sell... Quills and Sofas? I don't know. But he somehow manage to stumbled upon what could possibly be his big break. A new job to be exact. The story didn't tell how he manage to stumble upon this opportunity, but I guess the small details doesn't matter sometimes. Who knows, it might be explained in future chapters. He starts heading for a place called Puddinghead Road, and that's pretty much it.


To be honest, I am not exactly sure if the next part of the story is just another part of the first chapter, or if it's the second chapter. So I'm just going to call this the review of Chapter 1 part 1. But pretty good job you did there, you actually went in depth of the character the story was about. It was definitely a step in the right direction.

So overall, Chapter 1 part 1 (I think?) was a good start. So I will rate this chapter a 7.5 out of 10 (7.5/10) Now hopefully you'll post soon so I won't have to double post.  ^-^
Thanks for the drawing, Tiger.

I love to fly around and fix things with my hammer.

Offline Midnight Breeze

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Re: A New Breeze Chapter 1-1 Review
« Reply #4 on: 2012 Oct 03, 16:49:32 »
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Well excuuuse me for suggesting something that would make things more convenient. Anyway, here's my review of the story.

Calm down, bro, I was just being silly!  lol
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He starts heading for a place called Puddinghead Road, and that's pretty much it.

You DID read past the break, right? I had to separate it into two posts because it was too long for one.

But, whatever, I appreciate the review. I didn't think anyone would take interest in the story. Criticisms noted!
« Last Edit: 2012 Oct 03, 18:47:32 by Midnight Breeze »

Offline Repor Fixup

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Re: A New Breeze Chapter 1-1 Review
« Reply #5 on: 2012 Oct 03, 17:09:07 »
Quote
Well excuuuse me for suggesting something that would make things more convenient. Anyway, here's my review of the story.

Calm down, bro, I was just being silly!  lol
Quote
He starts heading for a place called Puddinghead Road, and that's pretty much it.

You DID read past the break, right? I had to separate it into two posts because it was too long for one.

But, whatever, I appreciate the review. I didn't think anyone would take intrust in the story. Criticisms noted!
Sorry, it was hard to tell if you were being silly.  X3

No, I haven't read past the break. Remember, that was part "1" of Chapter 1's review. So I have not gotten to that... Yet.  ^-^ Don't worry, I take interest in stories IF ponies are willing to go on. There's no point in getting into a story if it just comes to a sudden end.  ;)
Thanks for the drawing, Tiger.

I love to fly around and fix things with my hammer.

Offline Midnight Breeze

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Re: (Discussion) A New Breeze
« Reply #6 on: 2012 Oct 07, 23:57:50 »
Chapter 2 out.

Offline Repor Fixup

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A New Breeze Chapter 1-2 Review
« Reply #7 on: 2012 Oct 09, 10:05:12 »
Before I get to Chapter 2, allow me to write another review. Oh, Zecora would approve of a sentence like that! :D
Anyway, here comes part 2 of my review of Chapter 1.


Let's see... Where do I begin to explain? I guess I'll be starting off at the part Midnight meets Pinkie Pie.
So Midnight bumps into Pinkie Pie not too long after he has arrived in Ponyville. Skipping over the part where Midnight greets Pinkie Pie (Which is like half the chapter), I must say you pulled off her personality pretty well. Sure, there were a few things off about her. Not to mention you could have made her a bit more hyper. But hey, nopony's perfect, right?

After figuring out Midnight is staying in the basement of some work shop all by himself, Pinkie Pie suddenly thought that a pet would be perfect to keep him company. So she brought him to one of her best friends, Fluttershy. Pinkie Pie had to leave shortly after that, which leaves Fluttershy, and Midnight, two shy ponies, alone. Now, I know Fluttershy isn't the only shy pony in the world, but to me, it felt like Midnight's personality was a little too close to Fluttershy's at this point. Me being a Flutterhsy fan, I'm gonna have to say, you pulled her personality off better than Pinkie Pie's! Sure, she wasn't that shy, but I understand, since she was under the animal subject for the most part. Midnight adopts a jet black raven with purple eyes, and I am going to end that part there. Although I find a laughing raven a bit...weird.

And then Midnight finally arrives at "Widget's Gizmos and Gadgets"! The last place he visits in this chapter! The place where he's going to be working while in Ponyville! The place seemed to have belong to a dark green middle aged mare named Ms. Widget. I did not expect a mare to be running the place, but then again, Equestria has a lot more mares than stallion. A letter for Midnight arrived from his mother (Summer Breeze) before he got there, which he looks into a little later. Ms. Widget took Midnight to a room in the back of a shop that seemed to be messy with a lot of things Midnight has never seen. Come to find out, they were personal tools of Ms. Widget. So they talked a bit, he got approved for the job, she left him to get settled in his new room, and out of nowhere, Moonbeam (Name of the raven he adopted) has came to give Midnight the letter that was mentioned earlier.

In the letter, Midnight's mother was saying something about how much she misses him (Despite the fact he wasn't gone very long), and she was hoping he wouldn't get the job so he would come back home. She was hoping he wouldn't get the job... The way she said it makes me think she already knew he got the job, even though he just got it right before he read the letter. Midnight responded to the letter with another letter detailing his events in Ponyville so far, and that's pretty much it.


So... That was a pretty interesting chapter. There were a few flaws in the characters' personality, some grammar errors, and at times, I've noticed the words were spaced out more than they needed to be. But for the most part, they're just minor mistakes, and it was enjoyable overall. So I'll give this a... 7 out of 10 I guess? (7/10)
Getting ready for the next chapter.
Thanks for the drawing, Tiger.

I love to fly around and fix things with my hammer.

Offline Midnight Breeze

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Re: (Discussion) A New Breeze
« Reply #8 on: 2012 Oct 09, 17:45:34 »
I may have dropped the ball with the drawn out conversations here. Nothing annoys me more in stories than when two characters meet, say 2 sentences, and then part ways. I tried to make the convos more realistic, but I may have overdone it. Like 80% of the story is dialog at this point.  lol

I can't help but agree that Midnight is very similar to Fluttershy. I took your initial criticism on that and amended it a bit in chapter 2. He is still shy but has a bit of a sarcastic deadpan snarker side with Pinkie and Moonbeam. (The characters he knows best at the time)

Also, if you noticed the slight flaw in the letter to Summer, then you will probably freak out when you read about a certain scenario involving an open window in chapter 2.  X3 A Freudian slip-up on my part, didn't explain it well enough. I will let you try to wrap your head around it before I explain.

Offline Gracie Sky

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Re: (Discussion) A New Breeze
« Reply #9 on: 2012 Oct 09, 18:28:23 »
I've read the story up to chapter two.

While there are a lot of tiny problems, overall the story is fairly stable. The use of the Mane 6 was done fairly accurately. I can believe most of what's going on.

Ready for a checklist of the aforementioned problems I've noted on?

-Midnight is developing too quickly. 15 years (I don't know his exact age) of being alone, picked on, and harassed he has spent while living in Phillydelphia. Apparently, 15 minutes in Ponyville can undo all that. Although he is somewhat slow in accepting all this, it seems like his life is finally coming around. That's the problem, you're solving his problems in the first chapter of the story. Of course, if you have more problems for him in the near future, then it partially relieves this. However, I still can't get over how you are dismissing the problems of his entire childhood so swiftly. One's past is an excellent source of conflict, and conflict is what keeps the story moving.

-The Mane 6 are actively seeking him out. I can buy accidentally running into Pinkie Pie, since nopony can hide from her when they are new, even if you fly in on a chariot. I can buy Pinkie Pie introducing Midnight to Fluttershy, due to the flow of your story line demanding a pet for him. I can't see Pinkie Pie identifying him as the new Tinker pony and using that as a reason to invade his room in order to introduce him to Applejack and Twilight Sparkle. If it were me, Applejack currently has no business with him, so I'd leave her out. As for Twilight, I'd have Pinkie Pie suggest that Midnight go see her rather than Pinkie Pie telling Twilight to go visit him in his basement with her (and then immediately leave to make sure Spike hasn't burned her library down).


Midnight has prejudice against non-Earth Ponies. So far, this is the strongest point in your story and can be the source of great conflict. I'm curious to see how far Midnight is going to take this intolerance for this so-called dependency on magic and flying Earth Ponies have with the other races.
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Offline Midnight Breeze

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Re: (Discussion) A New Breeze
« Reply #10 on: 2012 Oct 09, 18:57:06 »
Gracie Sky, what a pleasure to be reviewed by you!  ;)


Quote
-Midnight is developing too quickly. 15 years (I don't know his exact age) of being alone, picked on, and harassed he has spent while living in Phillydelphia. Apparently, 15 minutes in Ponyville can undo all that. Although he is somewhat slow in accepting all this, it seems like his life is finally coming around. That's the problem, you're solving his problems in the first chapter of the story. Of course, if you have more problems for him in the near future, then it partially relieves this. However, I still can't get over how you are dismissing the problems of his entire childhood so swiftly. One's past is an excellent source of conflict, and conflict is what keeps the story moving.

Well, my intention was for him to gradually mellow out and come out of his shell after making friends. I have much of the story scripted already and at one point he actually gets into a physical fight with one of the main characters. I can see how doing it too quickly could be a problem, though. Noted.


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- I can't see Pinkie Pie identifying him as the new Tinker pony

Why not? The gadget store didn't pop up overnight, the citizens of Ponyville knew there would be a new tinker coming to town. Then Pinkie bumps into a stallion she's never seen before with a cutie mark consisting of gears and sparks. Not too far fetched that she realized who he was after he told her he'd be living in the gadget store.

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and using that as a reason to invade his room in order to introduce him to Applejack and Twilight Sparkle.

Considering how relentlessly she stalked Cranky, I can see her doing this.

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If it were me, Applejack currently has no business with him, so I'd leave her out.


You got me there. Applejack had little purpose in this chapter, I admit. The way I have it scripted Big Macintosh will play a rather large role later in the story and I needed to give Midnight a way of meeting him, so why not have Applejack give him the invite? Poorly executed, though.  >.<

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As for Twilight, I'd have Pinkie Pie suggest that Midnight go see her rather than Pinkie Pie telling Twilight to go visit him in his basement with her (and then immediately leave to make sure Spike hasn't burned her library down).

Well, the issue with that is, given Midnight's personality, I can't really see him seeking anyone out on his own initiative. Pinkie Pie is kind of a tool here in introducing him personally.

Quote
Midnight has prejudice against non-Earth Ponies. So far, this is the strongest point in your story and can be the source of great conflict. I'm curious to see how far Midnight is going to take this intolerance for this so-called dependency on magic and flying Earth Ponies have with the other races.

I don't particularly see Midnight as racist, he's just pro-Earth Pony and wants the best for them. Though I did write his and Twilight's debate to give the reader something to consider about him: Do you feel Midnight is justified in his beliefs, or do you agree with Twilight that he is being selfish?

Admittedly, Midnight's career will not be the main plot of the story, it will be about social conflicts. I'm just setting up a bit of character development here.

All and all, you've raised some decent points here and hopefully future chapters will improve thanks to your review, much appreciated!  :]
« Last Edit: 2012 Oct 09, 19:00:42 by Midnight Breeze »

Offline Gracie Sky

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Re: (Discussion) A New Breeze
« Reply #11 on: 2012 Oct 09, 20:38:46 »
Justified? Only in his mind.
Selfish? By no means.
Prideful? To a fault.

Somepony is going to learn very important lessons on the foundations of friendship, namely Love and Tolerance.
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Offline Midnight Breeze

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Re: (Discussion) A New Breeze
« Reply #12 on: 2012 Oct 14, 18:57:21 »
Chapter 3 out.

Also, why does the discussion have 3 times as many views as the actual story?  :s

Offline Gracie Sky

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Re: (Discussion) A New Breeze
« Reply #13 on: 2012 Oct 15, 15:36:08 »
 :I

Try not to focus on irrelevant details.
Nice job with Applejack in chapter 3, by the way.
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Offline Midnight Breeze

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Re: (Discussion) A New Breeze
« Reply #14 on: 2012 Oct 18, 02:45:40 »
Chapter 4 out. The mane plot is finally revealed here. Next chapter is where things will start getting juicy.

Offline Gracie Sky

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Re: (Discussion) A New Breeze
« Reply #15 on: 2012 Oct 20, 22:26:14 »
Obvious crush on Fluttershy is obvious.  :s
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Offline Midnight Breeze

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Re: (Discussion) A New Breeze
« Reply #16 on: 2012 Oct 22, 18:11:22 »
Chapter 5 out. Midnight has a very bad day.  >.<

Also, who thinks I should just rename Moonbeam to Trollbeam at this point?

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Re: (Discussion) A New Breeze
« Reply #17 on: 2012 Oct 23, 14:03:49 »
YAY! Can`t wait for next chapters. ovO

Offline Midnight Breeze

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Re: (Discussion) A New Breeze
« Reply #18 on: 2012 Oct 24, 00:20:49 »
Chapter 6 out. Decided to do this one fast because it's mostly just a boring bridge chapter.

Decided I better start condensing things into spoilers, I think I broke the forum with the enormous posts.  >:/

EDIT: Sorry I'm running late on chapter seven, I'm having a touch of writer's block at this point. Yes, the main plot is entirely scripted, but I'm having a bit of trouble bridging the gaps.

It doesn't help that my keyboard is dying, making typing very annoying. Will hopefully have chapter seven up tomorrow.
« Last Edit: 2012 Nov 01, 15:10:22 by Midnight Breeze »

Offline Midnight Breeze

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Re: (Discussion) A New Breeze
« Reply #19 on: 2012 Nov 05, 22:02:45 »
Aaaaaaaaand chapter 7 (finally) out.

Sorry it took so long, my keyboard finally kicked the bucket and I had to buy a new one. Hopefully won't be such a big gap between chapters again.

Chapter 8 now out. No, I didn't forget Rarity existed; she finally makes her debut in this chapter. Could really do with some more feedback, I don't like double posting.
« Last Edit: 2012 Nov 11, 21:43:04 by Midnight Breeze »