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Author Topic: flutter wonder  (Read 737 times)

Offline peachesandcream

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flutter wonder
« on: 2015 Nov 07, 20:09:40 »
chapter 1:life

it was a bright sunny day in equestria , two young ponies were sitting under a gazebo. They held each other close they felt the pure chemical joy coursing threw there bodies. then love happened, the young mare looked deep into the dashing stallions eyes. they drew closer then the male (flash) whispered into the femails ear (flower) "lets get out of here", "agreed" she replied. he took her hoove and slowly led her to the caves in southern phillidelphia, she let down her hair from the beautiful bow she had tied herself just to impress him. he laid her down and well you can figure out what the next descrbtional scentences would be. they finished and he looked deep into flowers eyes and said marry me, she flinched , he asked "whats wrong", she put her head in her hooves and started to sob. He held her close its your "parents isint it", she looked up with guilt written accross her face "i love you but marrage destroys ponies" she replied with tears running down her face. "Then we dont have to get married just be with me forever", flash replied and she hugged him soo tight he new their love would last forever.

He picked her up and they walked home together in the sunset. later on that month she found out she was pregnant and thats were we skip ahead 9 months.

they are in a hospital she is laid out across the gourney screaming in agonising pain as the contractions get worse and worse. flash takes her hoove and says"you can do this . . . your almost a mother", he kissed her fore head now "push honey!" she looked at him and she looked the most aggressive he has ever seen her (but hey every femail is like this during birth) she screamed " if i get threw this im going to take a vacation", he looked her in the eyes trying not to laugh and said "you got it, now push!", she screamed and the doctor said "its almost here one more time". she screamed "dear celestia" and pushed with all of her might then time stopped. there was a baby crying she paused releived of the pain but in shock she was a mother, and flash was a father.

she looked at the doctor who was wrapping her new born in a blancket "let me hold it", the doctor replied "yes mam", and handed her the child. she held it in her arms and shed a tear of joy "is it a philly or a colt" she asked the doctor replied "its a philly" she smiled and looked at flash. "what should i name her" she asked flash with the most joyouse expression, flash replied still in shock "well it should start with an ’f’" she looked puzzled and asked "why" he said "im flash your flower so we should have the trend continue like a family tradition". she smiled "thats excellent" and thought for awhile untill she said "flutter wonder my preciouse angel" and kissed her on the forehead then kissed flash. "one happy family" he replied "one happy family".

Flash and flower ive in a townhouse in south phillidelphia. flower wonder is 27 years old a young blue mare with pink and silver in her main. flower has green eyes, a beautiful smile, and amasing wings that make her a pegasus. she is a loving mother is known for her gardening and her love for nature.

flash shy is 31 years old a lovely yellow stallion with orange hair and hints of red threw it. he has blue eyes and great wings making him a pegasus too. flash is a family man, has always wanted one ever since he philly sat for the neighbor and due to his love for the family environment got his cutie mark and discovered he was meant to have a family and keep one no matter what.

flutter wonder is a pale yellow young philly with long flowing pink hair. she has blue eyes and is known then for her sence of adventure and for her wonderouse love for others, but she does tend to have an attitude at moments but her parents love her to death anyways.

this family was described as the perfect family(even though the parents refused to get married but they had their reasons). they all loved each other, they went out as a family constantly, flutter thrived in school, had no problems making friends, life was great.

then the one day that would later depict the version of flutter that everyone knew took place. it was a saturday evening and flower was taking flutter home from the movies. her and flutter were walking in south philli (even though flower had been warned not to do so at night for it was dangerouse) flower had no worries though because she had done it many times before but that night was her last test of luck. she wanted to get home quicker so she took a short cut threw an alley then when she got about half way threw something happened.

"stay close to me honey" flower said to flutter when she suspected they were not alone. they trotted slowly for things grew eerie in that alley. then a random pony popped out of the dark with a knife drawn, she turned around to run but another pony was there too with a knife drawn also. she pushed flutter away past the first pony and screamed "hide". she looked at the two ponies and asked "what do you want" they both snickered and pounced on her pinning her to the ground. flutter was hiding in a doorway crying un ending streams of tears she watched as the two ponies violated her mother in ways that are unspeakable. flower was sobbing "stop please", and the pony violating her "whispered your daughter is next" , flower screamed "flutter run home and dont look back" then she yelped as the pony stabbed her in the stomach. he turned around and signed to his partner to get flutter. flutter quickly began to gallop as fast as she could sobbing the entire way home. her heart was racing the journey seemed to be an eternity. then she spotted her home and started screaming "help me!", her father darted out the front door and the other two ponies quit chasing her and ran for their lives. flash ran too her and grabbed her in his arms looked her in the eyes and asked "where is your mother", she sobbed "in the alley" her father said "go into the house, call 911, lock the door, and stay there" flutter obeyed. he turned tward the alley and began to gallop faster than he ever has in his life he got to the alley and found flower in a pool of blood fighting for her life. he grabbed her in his arms she was still alive to his releif he placed his hoove on her wound and applied as much pressure as possible. "im here hunny im here" he said with her head against his chest she whispered "is flutter. . .ok" he said "yes she is in the house she is fine" flower then began coughing up alot of blodd he turned her on her side to releive the blood from her lungs and said "hang in there hun help is on the way". tears then flowed from his eyes because he just realised how bad she was. she held him close and in a panic said "flash give her a good life" , he said "no we are doing it together just stay awake i love you too much too loose you". she then reached in her sattle bag and pulled out a locket "this is a family tradition to give it to your first daughter at her wedding" she placed it in his hoove"give it to her on her wedding", he took it and said "dont talk like that your going to live" then he heard sirens approaching he jumped with hope "they are almost here" but when he looked down she was asleep he shook her crying "wake up!" and began crying on her chest. the paramedics arrived and ordered him off her but he didnt let go easy they had to separate him from her like he was a leach. they put her on a gourney and took her away in an ambulence. he fell to the ground and began to curse at the air when he calmed down he looked at the locket and said"please dear celestia let her live"
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Offline Gamepaw

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Re: flutter wonder
« Reply #1 on: 2016 Jan 16, 14:50:35 »
Not sure if it is exactly LoE appropiate but I`ll give it a little mini mini review thingy.

Capitals are missing everywhere. Names of ponies and places need capitals. Such as Equestria or Celestia. Beginnings of sentences/paragraphs also need capital letters.

Also when using words that are combination of two. E.g I am to I'm use a apostrophe ' like I just did.

Try to avoid huge paragraphs, it becomes a wall of text and people just stop reading/taking it in.