2017 Mar 23, 12:22:55


Author Topic: The Equestrian Swordsman: Memoirs of Two Displaced Cosplayers  (Read 504 times)

Offline HunterOfTheDark

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Hey guys, I recently finished working on the first chapter of a new fanfic, and I could use some feedback. Only constructive criticism please, flames will be used to forge new swords for the protagonist.

001 - Dmetri: The World of Swords
The Equestrian Swordsmen: Memoirs of Two Displaced Cosplayers
By darkponyD



001 - Dmetri: The World of Swords

Listen to our story. It...may be the last chance we get to tell it. It all started with darkness. All around me. The ever present, soul-sucking void. Now how did I get myself and Victoria into this mess? Are we dead? Dying? Unconscious? I don't know. All I know is that buying those swords was a huge mistake. But, I'm getting ahead of myself.

Allow me to start from the beginning...

=||===> 5 hours ago <===||=

=BEEP= =BEEP= =BE - Click. I hate mornings. Mornings are the bane of my existence, I swear! Especially when I need to get up at this ungodly hour! Really, there should be a law against waking oneself up at five in the morning! Well, at least its for a good reason...

What is this 'good reason', you ask? Well, I'm glad you did! Today is the first day of ComicCon 2020! And me and my gir -er- best friend have some costumes to show off. Speaking of which, I quickly jump out of the bed in my hotel room, making a beeline for the bathroom and cold water shower within. I had gotten quite used to mornings like this, mostly because I spent the first eighteen years of my life traveling between Cambodia and the US every year. By this point, waking up at five in the morning and staying at hotels is second nature to me.

Hmm? Whats that you ask? Who am I? Oh, please pardon my poor manners. My name is Dmetri. Dmetri Ross. I am 24 years of age, and a huge fan of animated TV shows, particularly anime and shows originally written for kids, such as Phineas and Ferb, and My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. Yeah, thats right, you heard, well read, what I said, I like My Little Pony, but, we're once again getting off track. Lets get back to the story.

I finish my shower, quickly toweling off before standing in front of my costume. It's truly a thing of beauty. Long black pants, a black t-shirt, and a long, black coat with two sheaths on the back. This is my interpretation of Kirito's armor from the first story arc of Sword Art Online.

With a smirk, I quickly shed my towel and got to work getting into costume, starting with the pants, followed by the shirt, and the coat. Finally, I quickly retrieved my 3DS, PSVita and iPad, stuffing them into various pockets of my coat. I should probably explain why I'm taking all this stuff with me. You see, I'm just a little *coughverycough* paranoid when it comes to my electronics. As a result, I take them everywhere with me. Its times like these that I really wish the dimensional storage space in SAO was real.

In any case, with costume in place, items stowed, and ComicCon pass around my neck, I stride over to the door of the adjoining hotel room, giving it a loud rap with my knuckles. A very tired and irritated "I'm coming, I'm coming" answers me.

After that follows a series of grunts, shuffling, banging and a crash, followed by a few choice Elvish curses. Yes, Elvish. My friends a Lord of the Rings nut, sue me. In any case, the door is soon opened by a young woman of 23, dressed in a red and white breastplate, white undershirt, skirt and boots with an empty sheath on her left hip. This is my friend, Victoria Wroblewski, dressed as Asuna.

"I still don't see why we need to dress like this," she grumbled, rubbing an eye. "I don't even like Sword Art Online."

"Don't let anyone at ComicCon hear that," I retort. "Besides, we're dressed like this cause its cool, and you didn't have any better ideas. Theres only so many times you can dress as Kingdom Hearts characters without it getting old!"

"But I like dressing up as a member of Organization XIII," came her sleep-deprived whine.

I sigh in exasperation. It's always the same with her. Victoria had developed a bit of an anti-animation mentality when she was younger, due to watching a lot of British comedy programs, particularly Monty Python's Flying Circus. When she finally decided to give animated media a shot, she felt, and I quote, 'like [she] was being talked down to, and treated like a violence loving idiot.' Sad, I know. Thankfully, shes still willing to try some animated stuff, as long as she knows what she's getting into before hand.

"Look," I reply, trying to sound diplomatic. "You admitted a month ago that the Kirito and Asuna cosplays looked far better than a lot of the other ones we could have done. On top of that, I spent a ton of money on these costumes. Can't you just live with the costume for the day? Besides, you look great in it!"

Victoria groans in defeat, though not without a slight blush on her cheeks. "Fine, you win. Lets just go before I decide on some form of revenge, otherwise we'll never get to ComicCon."

=||===>

About an hour later, and after a quick breakfast at the hotel, we were finally here. New York ComicCon 2020. It truly is a sight to behold. Thousands of people walking around in crazy costumes from all manner of movies, anime, TV shows and video games. As Victoria and I step into this nerd paradise, our breathe catches in our throats as we take in the vast sea of booths, cosplayers, actors, etc.

"Hey, Dmetri," Victoria nudges me from the side, her eyes not leaving the sea of nerd before us. "What time was that Sherlock panel at?"

"I believe it starts in an hour," I reply, eying three swords and a dagger hanging in a nearby stall. "But first, I think we need to finish our costumes."

Victoria turns her head in the same direction I was facing. "Oh no, nuh-uh! No way, no how! Those things are gonna cost a fortune, and you know it!"

"Oh come on, you know you want a complete costume!"

"No I don't."

"Yes you do."

"No I don't."

"Yes you do."

"You're right, lets go."

With a triumphant grin on my face, I drag her over to the stall I had spotted earlier, where the swords hung, gleaming in the light. Behind the counter was easily one of the creepiest guys I've ever met. He was dressed as the Merchant from Resident Evil 4, so he had the long cloak with overstuffed pockets, but no face mask, and with the creepiest grin ever. He was really getting into character. It almost made me think twice about buying the weapons.

"Got somethin' that might interest ya'?" Merchant asks us, a deep rasp in his voice.

"Um, yeah," I reply. "Me and my friend here would like to take a look at those swords, as well as that dagger."

Merchant raises his eyebrow, as if things weren't quite going according to the script. He turns around, removing the items from their hooks, and setting them down gently on the counter.

The first sword is a rapier, about 30 inches long, and rather thin as well, with a round guard and simple hilt. The Lambent Light. The second sword is a one-handed sword, also about 30 inches long. Both the blade and the hilt as black as coal, giving off a deadly air. The Elucidator. The third sword is also a one-handed sword, this one about 33 inches long. The blade and the hilt both a gentle, light blue, giving off an aura of gentle, deadly, beauty. The Dark Repulser. Finally, we come to the dagger. Its a Persian design with a curved blade bearing various ancient writings carved into the blade. The hilt is transparent with a jewel embedded at the top, and you could easily see the sand in it. The Dagger of Time.

I couldn't believe my luck. Four of the greatest (well, I say greatest) blades in all anime/video game history all here, just waiting to be bought!

"How much for all four?" I ask.

"For you," Merchant smirks. "$20 for all four."

With a grin, I quickly hand over the money and grab my newly purchased weaponry. The first thing I did was hand Victoria the Lambent Light, which she quickly sheathed. Next, I sheathed the Elucidator and the Dark Repulser in the sheathes on my back. The Dagger of Time, however, I decide to examine a little closer.

One could easily tell that the craftsmanship of the Dagger was exquisite, but something about it was bothering me. Before I could figure out what, however, I hear a cry from Victoria. I whip my head in her direction, only to see her slowly fading from sight.

"Victoria!" I cry as I reach out to her, just managing to grab her wrist before she disappeared, taking me with her into the void.

And now, here we are, right back at the start of the story. We've been in this void for who knows how long. But wait, is that a light I see up ahead...?

=||===>

"...I think its coming around."

I feel myself slowly coming to in the land of the living, a splitting headache, and a familiar voice greeting my ears. A very familiar voice... Now where have I...

My eyes quickly snap open to take in the blue face and white face of...

"Princess Celestia?! Princess Luna?!?!"

The two faces nod. "Yes, those are our names, but how did a creature such as yourself come to know us?" Asked the white one.

Of course, I never got the chance to answer, as I promptly fell unconscious in a dead faint.

=||===>Elsewhere<===||=

The sparkling streets of the Crystal Empire buzzed with activity, with the Crystal Ponies buying and selling their wares, all the while, a dark shadow goes unnoticed, slipping through the crowd. It was of a female, humanoid shape, but aside from that, it was near impossible to make out any of her features, even if she wanted to be seen. Her head was whipping to and fro, searching for something. Or perhaps, it was somepony she was looking for.

It was at that moment that a loud trumpet was heard. All eyes, including the female's, turned towards the entrance of the street as a large procession made its way through the street. At the front of this procession was a black unicorn stallion in royal garb.

The female gave a wide smirk. "I have you now!" she said in a cold, cruel voice. She closed her eyes, as a a faint aura appeared around her hands. Almost immediately, as the procession neared her position, an anvil dropped right in front of the black stallion, and then another fell in the crowd, and another, and another, causing the crowd to go into a panic. As it so happens, a white, wall-eyed mail mare was passing by overhead, pulling a shipment of anvils behind her. Unbeknownst to the masses, a faint aura appeared around the lock, causing it fail, which in turn drops the shipment. Coincident, right?

In any case, while the chaos played out, the female glided to the black stallion's side...
Dig the wax out of your ears because I've got something to say! He takes the blazing sun in his bare hands and endures the searing heat. A mans man sustained by strength of will. When you hear of the great Kamina they're talking about me! You'd best remember that.

I like the ending, and I really like how you tell the different points of view, I sadly don't find that too often in writing. It's good to know that you have it though, and it really looks like you put a lot of effort into this. But I think you need to add a tiny but more of who's saying what. And not just, "No I don't." "Yes you do." "No I don't." "Yes you do." "You're right, lets go."I also like who you drifted it into chaos with a good cliff hanger. Other than that, this is really good and well thought out, nice job.
« Last Edit: 2015 Aug 19, 09:12:31 by Gypsy »