2017 Jun 25, 01:25:57


Poll

What is your opinion of this story?

It was fantastic! Couldn't think of anything wrong with it!
1 (50%)
Cool story bro, but needs a couple corrections.
1 (50%)
It was okay, not bad but not amazing.
0 (0%)
Found it difficult to follow; not a story I'd read twice.
0 (0%)
It was terrible. Please try A LOT harder next time.
0 (0%)

Total Members Voted: 2

Author Topic: (Discussion) Control  (Read 978 times)

(Discussion) Control
« on: 2014 Feb 05, 13:15:48 »
This is the discussion thread for my (work in progress) story titled Control. Please feel free to leave any questions, comments, or criticism here. Thanks a million  :P

Here is a link to the story itself...

Update: The second chapter, "Top of Her Class," is now available for your viewing  ^-^
« Last Edit: 2014 Feb 05, 21:34:51 by OfficerShields »

Offline DawnsEmbrace

  • I'll search the world until the answer's found.
    • View Profile
Re: (Discussion) Control
« Reply #1 on: 2014 Feb 05, 19:10:27 »
  o_O


...


I...I loved it.

I could so clearly envision Shelly's blonde mane swish as she knocked that scum to the dirt, I could just SEE the look of dismay and humiliation on his face when he realized he'd been knocked to the ground by a filly!

I could feel that studying stare the commissioner gave to Shelly, the excitement when she realized she had her cutiemark.

Well, anyway.
That's enough gushing.

I liked it.
A lot.

I have a few things to say though.
Since she is a unicorn, and her cutiemark is a set of handcuffs, I feel as if she could have levitated her fathers cuffs and slapped them onto the robbers hooves, thus getting a handcuff cutiemark, but that's just an idea.  x3

The only bad thing I can say about it was that there isn't more to read yet.   :')
But that's not a real complaint, and will remedy with time.


I'm curious to ask, was the commissioner wearing sunglasses during this scene?  It felt like he was.


Re: (Discussion) Control
« Reply #2 on: 2014 Feb 05, 19:37:26 »
  o_O


...


I...I loved it.

I could so clearly envision Shelly's blonde mane swish as she knocked that scum to the dirt, I could just SEE the look of dismay and humiliation on his face when he realized he'd been knocked to the ground by a filly!

I could feel that studying stare the commissioner gave to Shelly, the excitement when she realized she had her cutiemark.

Well, anyway.
That's enough gushing.

I liked it.
A lot.

I have a few things to say though.
Since she is a unicorn, and her cutiemark is a set of handcuffs, I feel as if she could have levitated her fathers cuffs and slapped them onto the robbers hooves, thus getting a handcuff cutiemark, but that's just an idea.  x3

The only bad thing I can say about it was that there isn't more to read yet.   :')
But that's not a real complaint, and will remedy with time.


I'm curious to ask, was the commissioner wearing sunglasses during this scene?  It felt like he was.

Wow thanks! I'm so glad you enjoyed it!  ^-^ I hadn't actually thought about The Commissioner wearing sunglasses, but that's cool idea. Mind if I add that in there?
I will try to upload concept art of Shelly Shields and The Commissioner, although I'm not sure how  :l
« Last Edit: 2014 Feb 05, 19:52:39 by OfficerShields »

Offline DawnsEmbrace

  • I'll search the world until the answer's found.
    • View Profile
Re: (Discussion) Control
« Reply #3 on: 2014 Feb 05, 23:55:44 »
Okay, so here are my thoughts on Chapter 2.
Daring Do not being real...Heheh...

Anyway, is Ella stalking Shelly?
I know that's most likely not what's going on here, but I get these strange, Pinkie-like senses about things sometimes.
It was odd to me that Ella knew about the interaction between Shelly and Cal moments after it happened.

Also, unless there's some kind of intervention by the commissioner, (Very possible) how is it that Cal, the colt she met rather coincidentally becomes her partner?  Even if this gets explained through the natural course of events, I don't really care too much about such a small nitpick.

Ending Opinion: I liked it just as much as the first one.  No obvious problems I can see here.
Though we all seem to have Gracie Sky to politely bring us down a notch every once in a while.


PS:  I don't mind at all, sunglasses just felt natural to me.

PPS: Just a small grammar correction, not a big deal, but
every time I've seen Mam spelled out, I've seen
Ma'am.  They could be just different ways to spell it though.


Re: (Discussion) Control
« Reply #4 on: 2014 Feb 06, 00:49:10 »
Okay, so here are my thoughts on Chapter 2.
Daring Do not being real...Heheh...

Anyway, is Ella stalking Shelly?
I know that's most likely not what's going on here, but I get these strange, Pinkie-like senses about things sometimes.
It was odd to me that Ella knew about the interaction between Shelly and Cal moments after it happened.

Also, unless there's some kind of intervention by the commissioner, (Very possible) how is it that Cal, the colt she met rather coincidentally becomes her partner?  Even if this gets explained through the natural course of events, I don't really care too much about such a small nitpick.

Ending Opinion: I liked it just as much as the first one.  No obvious problems I can see here.
Though we all seem to have Gracie Sky to politely bring us down a notch every once in a while.


PS:  I don't mind at all, sunglasses just felt natural to me.

PPS: Just a small grammar correction, not a big deal, but
every time I've seen Mam spelled out, I've seen
Ma'am.  They could be just different ways to spell it though.

 Haha, you would have never guessed that Pinkie was related to AJ in the show. I may expand upon the Daring Do plot twist...  ;)

Ella Raindrop is meant to be sort of a mix between Pinkie Pie and Derpy; the silly, "slightly over enthusiastic about everything" companion of Shelly's story, but is easy going enough to play a role in a story with this particular theme. One can only imagine how she knows the things she knows  x3

And you're right; the relationship with Shelly and Cal does progress further into the story.

Offline Gracie Sky

  • Ready for some Imagination?
    • View Profile
Re: (Discussion) Control
« Reply #5 on: 2014 Feb 06, 15:10:35 »
Most of the components of your story are sound. Only a few issues I thought worth bringing up.

In chapter one, Shelly gives her father a head start in a police carriage and still somehow gets in front of him to a destination he didn't tell her about to tackle two thieves at the same time. Also, I find it difficult to believe two thugs would surrender so quickly if they were up against a 12 year old filly who managed to tackle them. Of course, it might be because they got tackled and knew they couldn't outrun the police coming after them any more as the reason they surrendered. Just something to think about.

In chapter 2, the only thing I'm raising a flag on is Cal Gold's interaction with Shelly. It's a hard pill for me to swallow, due to how many coincidences happen at around the same time. A new recruit on his second day lost on campus, probably not the top of his class. He bumps into Shelly by accident, because neither of them were paying attention. Either he's trying to start a conversation, or he forgot where the colt's dormitory was from yesterday, unless he slept outside or something that night. Regardless, her friend Ella Raindrop is a professional shipper and ships her with every stallion whom has a 15+ second conversation with her that she sees. And when she ships, she ships hard; hard enough that Shelly actually start giving it thought.

This is fate conspiring to force the pairing to work. I'm fine with them bumping into each other for no reason and talking for no reason, but I don't agree with any lasting impression to occur within this scene. We already know that this meeting is somehow relevant because you bothered showing the event, but not every other time Shelly bumped into ponies and had to give them directions. Cal is going to be a significant character and it's good to know the first time the two met. Ella just kinda ruined it for me there with her relentless pursuit of the subject, though. I would suggest waiting until after a second, more significant meeting between the two later on, that Ella actually has a chance of seeing, before she teases her friend about it.
« Last Edit: 2014 Feb 06, 15:15:06 by Gracie Sky »
Character Critique Thread

Have your OC fairly and honestly evaluated!

Re: (Discussion) Control
« Reply #6 on: 2014 Feb 07, 02:07:39 »
Most of the components of your story are sound. Only a few issues I thought worth bringing up.

In chapter one, Shelly gives her father a head start in a police carriage and still somehow gets in front of him to a destination he didn't tell her about to tackle two thieves at the same time. Also, I find it difficult to believe two thugs would surrender so quickly if they were up against a 12 year old filly who managed to tackle them. Of course, it might be because they got tackled and knew they couldn't outrun the police coming after them any more as the reason they surrendered. Just something to think about.

In chapter 2, the only thing I'm raising a flag on is Cal Gold's interaction with Shelly. It's a hard pill for me to swallow, due to how many coincidences happen at around the same time. A new recruit on his second day lost on campus, probably not the top of his class. He bumps into Shelly by accident, because neither of them were paying attention. Either he's trying to start a conversation, or he forgot where the colt's dormitory was from yesterday, unless he slept outside or something that night. Regardless, her friend Ella Raindrop is a professional shipper and ships her with every stallion whom has a 15+ second conversation with her that she sees. And when she ships, she ships hard; hard enough that Shelly actually start giving it thought.

This is fate conspiring to force the pairing to work. I'm fine with them bumping into each other for no reason and talking for no reason, but I don't agree with any lasting impression to occur within this scene. We already know that this meeting is somehow relevant because you bothered showing the event, but not every other time Shelly bumped into ponies and had to give them directions. Cal is going to be a significant character and it's good to know the first time the two met. Ella just kinda ruined it for me there with her relentless pursuit of the subject, though. I would suggest waiting until after a second, more significant meeting between the two later on, that Ella actually has a chance of seeing, before she teases her friend about it.

Thanks for the input, I'll take these points into consideration as I'm editing. Two things I would like to point out though are that it was Shelly's father who tackled the two criminals where as Shelly got the runner. This event may be better directed, so I will give it a look to see if there's something I can change so that it makes better sense.

And Shelly, when she first came upon Cal, was briefly overtaken by his stunning good looks which leads to her obvious compression of an inner crush. I will further emphasize this in the editing overhaul i'm planning. Ella Raindrop caught on without witnessing the event firsthand due to Shelly's body language, only knowing exactly who the colt was when Shelly mentioned him by name.