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Author Topic: Ponystories: White Shimmer (Discussion)  (Read 823 times)

Offline White Shimmer

  • You think i will stay in one form? No! Too boring!
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Ponystories: White Shimmer (Discussion)
« on: 2013 Nov 20, 12:43:43 »
This will be or is the discussion thread for my 1st story,
Ponystories: White Shimmer: http://legendsofequestria.com/forum/index.php?topic=9420.0

Just leave your critic here.
« Last Edit: 2013 Nov 20, 13:22:18 by White Shimmer »

Offline Ramisha

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Re: Ponystories: White Shimmer (Discussion)
« Reply #1 on: 2013 Nov 21, 06:20:43 »
"Twillight...Twillight! Are you okay?"
"Spike? Forget the letters and go wake up the
others. We're meeting at Fluttershys cottage!"

you messed up the colors at this part.
ANyway it's really interesting! I can't wait to read more  :D

Offline Gracie Sky

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Re: Ponystories: White Shimmer (Discussion)
« Reply #2 on: 2013 Nov 21, 15:54:07 »
It's a good story for a beginner. You have the essentials for a good plot to develop.

There are a few technical problems with it. You have a tendency not to capitalize "I" when used by itself. Fluttershy's dialouge color is really hard to see on this white background. I don't normally recommend using colored fonts when doing dialouge, but it is very helpful with a setup like you have, where characters are speaking without any narration in between. Lastly... um... well, you advance the plot disturbingly quickly.

However, don't bother yourself with the details I brought up just yet. It's more important that you finish telling your story before you start worrying about what needs to improve. So keep going.
Character Critique Thread

Have your OC fairly and honestly evaluated!

Offline White Shimmer

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Re: Ponystories: White Shimmer (Discussion)
« Reply #3 on: 2013 Nov 22, 01:39:47 »
Thanks for the tips, Guys!

The colours are already right, thanks for the hint, Ramisha!

And the point that the plot is advanced very quickly is a bit right.
But that was just the Prologue, the real story will be longer.
Something like 10-15 Chapters and a Epilogue....